SHIBBOLETH: ACT TWO
SCENE ONE:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
DIRECTLY AFTER LAUREN TELLS ANIS HER NAME.
ANIS
Do I know you?
LAUREN
We were at school together.
ANIS
Really? When?
LAUREN
You were in the year above me. Umm are you here with anyone? I’m just with a friend, she’s freshening up
MATT ENTERS BLEARY EYED.
MATT
Ah, you’re here, I thought you had gone and done something rash
INTRODUCTIONS ARE NECESSARY:
ANIS
Matt, Lauren.
MATT
Lauren.
LAUREN
Matt.
LAUREN’S FRIEND ENTERS FROM THE TOILET.
LAUREN (MOTIONS TOWARDS FRIEND)
Anis, Atia.
ANIS
Atia.
ATIA
Anis.
ANIS
Matt, Atia.
MATT
Atia.
ATIA
Matt.
PAUSE. IT’S CLEAR FROM HIS LOOK THAT ANIS WANTS MATT TO GO AND TALK TO ATIA, SO HE CAN TALK TO LAUREN
ANIS
Matt?
MATT
Anis…(UNDERSTANDING)…(AS IF TO SAY GOODBYE)Lauren…(AS IF TO SAY HELLO)Atia!
MATT SITS WITH ATIA, LEAVING ANIS WITH LAUREN.
LAUREN
So…do you like olives?
ANIS
In my drink?
LAUREN
Yeah.
ANIS
Not particularly, why?
LAUREN
I knew a guy in the agency who loved olives. How about a dry martini with an olive?
ANIS
You knew a guy in an agency?
LAUREN
Yes, he was obsessed with olives, he taught me this drink, you’ll like it.
ANIS
Go ahead then.
LAUREN ORDERS.
ANIS
So you know people in the agency?
LAUREN
I know people in the agency, yes.
ANIS
An agency, eh?
LAUREN
Mm-hm.
PAUSE.
ANIS
What agency?
LAUREN
Oh! Right, I don’t know he was very secretive, I think he was a spy.
ANIS
It just so happens I work for an agency.
LAUREN (LAUGHS)
Are you seriously using that to pick me up?
ANIS’ WARM FACE WASHES AWAY AND NOW SUDDENLY HE IS STANDOFFISH, COLD AND CLINICAL.
ANIS
Are you seriously trying to pick me up with that ‘I know you from school’ bullshit?
LAUREN IS SILENT.
ANIS
Who are you?
LAUREN
I’m Lauren.
ANIS
Shit me not with that shit.
THE DRINKS COME.
LAUREN
Try it.
ANIS
You try it.
LAUREN
See this mint, here?
FISHES OUT MINT FROM DRINK.
LAUREN
You need to press down on it with your thumb on the palm of your hand. That’s how the taste comes out.
LAUREN TAKES A POLITE SIP.
LAUREN
Now you try it.
ANIS DOESN’T TAKE HIS EYES OFF HER AS HE SWALLOWS SOME OF THE DRINK.
ANIS
Pretty good.
LAUREN
I know.
ANIS
So what’s your story, where do you really know me from?
LAUREN
I can’t say.
ANIS
You can’t say?
LOOKS OVER AT MATT TALKING TO ATIA.
MATT
Do I need to put on a little weight?
ATIA
Weight? No…height!
MATT
Ok…
BACK TO ANIS.
ANIS
How do you know her?
LAUREN
She goes to my judo class.
ANIS
Really? What the hell for?
LAUREN
A half hour of knife and stick fighting...you never know, this is a dangerous world: a girl needs to protect herself.
ANIS
So you’re quite athletic?
JUMP CUT TO THEM SHAGGING IN MATT’S HIDEOUT.
LAUREN (REACHING PINNACLE OF SEXUAL CLIMAX)
Yes! Yes! YESSSSSSS!!!
JUMP CUT TO THEM RELAXING UNDER THE SHEETS. LAUREN IS SMOKING A CIGAR.
ANIS
So you are quite athletic? After I asked that we were just shagging, so I didn’t really get an answer to it
LAUREN
Yes, you did, I was screaming ‘yes’
ANIS
Right you were.
CUT TO MATT AND ATIA STANDING AT THE DOORWAY.
MATT
Dude, that’s my bed, I was gonna get with this!
POINTS TO ATIA.
ATIA
Ugh, no you were never.
SHE SLAPS HIM.
MATT
Why did you come up with me then?
ATIA
For her. Come ON, Lauren, we have to get going.
ANIS
This isn’t terribly polite, she and I are in fact in a state of post coitus!
ATIA
Yeah, the whole block heard her screaming yes, stop showing off.
LAUREN PROVOCATIVELY SUCKS ON HER CIGAR.
LAUREN
It’s ok, go on without me, I actually have work to do.
ANIS
What you on about?
LAUREN
Dude, chill!
ATIA
Alright, Lauren, I’ll see you later and Matt…next time I see you, I’ll kill you.
SHE LEAVES. NOW IT IS JUST MATT LOOKING AT A SWEATY SHAGGED OUT ANIS AND LAUREN ON HIS BED. THEY GIVE HIM A DIRTY LOOK SIGNALLING THAT HE SHOULD LEAVE.
MATT
Dude, my bed!
ANIS
Get outta here.
MATT
Sleaze.
MATT LEAVES.
ANIS
Did he ruin the moment?
LAUREN
If anything, he increased my sex drive, fancy a sixth shag?
ANIS
Is the Pope Catholic?
LAUREN
You’re a Muslim, what do you care?
ANIS
Sorry, did THAT ruin the moment?
LAUREN
Nah, sex drive still increasing.
ANIS
Alright, let’s bump uglies.
LAUREN
Yes, let’s.
THEY DO AND IT’S KINDA GROSS IF YOU KNOW BOTH OF THEM.
SCENE TWO:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
ANIS WAKES UP IN MATT’S BED NEXT TO A SLUMBERING LAUREN. HE GETS UP AND STRETCHES, SHOWING HIS TIGHT BROWN BUTTOCKS TO THE CAMERA. HIS STAGGERINGLY VAST GIRTHY PENIS HAS TO BE DIGITALLY ERASED LIKE RALPH FIENNES’ IN RED DRAGON. ALSO NOW LAUREN’S HAIR IS BROWN. YOU MIGHT THINK THAT HER HAIR CHANGE IS IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT, BUT YOU’D BE AS WRONG AS ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE WATCHING ROSAMUND PIKE OVERLY CLOSELY IN DIE ANOTHER DAY. LAUREN’S BACK CATCHES HIS EYE. HE SPOTS A TATTOO AROUND HER KIDNEY. IT SAYS MM. ANIS MOUTHS ‘MATT McLERON’ AND SHAKES HIS HEAD TO REFRESH HIMSELF. HE NOW DOES NOT TRUST HER. THIS IS CONVEYED BY A SUDDEN LOW GUITAR PLUCK ON THE SOUNDTRACK. HE LOOKS IN HER BAG AND FINDS SOME ODDMENTS AND ENDBITS. THEN HE FINDS AN IDENTITY CARD WITH HER FACE ON. WE DO NOT SEE THE CARD.
JUMP CUT TO LAUREN’S BACK GETTING SLAMMED AGAINST THE WALL. THEY ARE BOTH STANDING UP; ANIS IS HOLDING HER BY THE NECK.
ANIS (RIDICULOUSLY GRUFF)
Who are you????
LAUREN (GASPING)
I told you!
ANIS HOLDS UP THE I.D. CARD TO HER FACE.
ANIS
Who are you working for??
LAUREN
Stop! Stop!
ANIS
Tell me the truth!
LAUREN
Alright, alright…I’m working for GA943.
ANIS
Why are you here?
LAUREN
Division Director Karen gave me orders to find you. I’m on transfer from Wandsworth.
ANIS
Do they know where I am?
LAUREN
No…not yet, I haven’t had a chance to warn them.
ANIS THROWS HER TO THE GROUND.
ANIS
Leave!
MATT ENTERS THE BEDROOM.
MATT
I’m not being funny, yeah, I ain’t trying to be rude, right, but do you mind, you’ve been shouting the odds all night, wait…what’s going on?
ANIS
She’s a spy.
MATT
That explains a lot…wow how convenient is it that she ended up meeting us?
ANIS
There was no convenience, and no happenstance either! She was sent by Division Director Karen.
MATT
That bitch!
LAUREN
Look, please, I’m on your side.
MATT
What? Why?
ANIS
Yeah, why should we believe you?
LAUREN
Anis, there is a reason I haven’t reported back to GA943.
ANIS
How do we know you haven’t already?
LAUREN
We haven’t spent a moment apart since we met! Not even when I went to the toilet!
ANIS
Duuuude, I told you to keep that hush! (CATCHES THE SHOCKED LOOK ON MATT’S FACE AND RENEWS HIS GRUFF VOICE) So why should we trust you?
LAUREN
Believe it or not, I’m on your side…I wouldn’t have sex eight times in one night with a man I met wearing slippers in a bar if I wasn’t on his side. I’m not that kind of woman. My mother told me, when I was a little girl, that I would one day meet a man who would disagree with everything my job stood for, but I’d just be hopelessly helpless to betray my job for him.
MATT
Eh?
LAUREN
And although she’s never had sex with a man, I believe in her words.
ANIS
Well, that’s refre-…what??
LAUREN
I’m not going to tell Karen that I found you; I’m going to join you.
MATT
Other than that stuff about her mum being a virgin, I think Lauren is talking sense…if she was on our side, she could work with us against GA943…at least until we can clear your name.
ANIS
I haven’t trusted her since I met her, don’t worry, Matt.
MATT
Well, dude, I’m sorry to cut this morning short, but you’ve got that meeting in an hour.
ANIS
Oh yeah…it’s rush hour, I’m going to have to be quick.
LAUREN
What’s the meeting about?
MATT
There’s a reason we are being guarded about it, we can’t trust you, we don’t know you.
LAUREN
Like, two seconds ago you were telling him to keep me around! You can trust me, I can help, just let me know what you’re doing.
MATT
Well, you can help, but we’re not prepared to fill you in completely.
ANIS
Matt, can you stay here with Lauren, and wait for me to call you up after meeting him?
MATT
Sure.
ANIS DRESSES TO LEAVE, THEN LEAVES.
SCENE THREE:
EXT. WESTMINSTER STATION - DAY
IT IS RAINING AND ANIS LOOKS SUITABLY GOTHIC GLARING OUT AT THE MURKY DRIZZLY STREETS UNDER HIS TINY UMBRELLA AND TRENCH COAT. HE IS MET BY T, A GANGLY BLACK MAN.
T
Mr Seabourne…always a pleasure.
ANIS (GLOOMILY)
T.
T
Let’s take this to a more hospitable setting.
T LEADS ANIS BACK INTO THE STATION AND AFTER ENSURING NO ONE IS LOOKING, OPENS A SECRET DOOR.
SCENE FOUR:
INT. MYSTERIOUS LOCATION ONLY ACCESSIBLE ONLY BY MYSTERIOUS DOOR IN STATION - DAY
T IS LEADING ANIS DOWN SOME OLD GLOOMY POORLY LIT STEPS DEEP UNDERGROUND.
ANIS
Where are we?
T
This is a place I’ve longed to show you.
ANIS
What is it?
T
A place agents don’t have to worry about.
THERE ARE NO MORE STEPS SO NOW THEY ARE WALKING IN SOME MASSIVE LOOKING WAREHOUSE.
T
This is storage, a junkyard.
ANIS (POINTING)
Hey, that looks familiar.
T
And so it should, it saved your life on the Indy mission before you destroyed it.
ANIS
I see, this is…
T
Where the gadgets go to die…and we won’t be disturbed.
ANIS
You are not looking to turn me in to Karen or Lawratu?
T
Please…of course you had no hand in the death of all those fine agents. I am here to help you with this pursuit of yours, to clear your name and find those responsible.
ANIS
I’m glad to have you on board.
T
Oh I won’t take a direct hand, I have to stay here and keep my job, but I will give you some items that may save your life.
ANIS NODS.
ANIS
I need a new suit.
T
Well three buttons is a little nineties, Mr Seabourne.
ANIS
You know what I mean?
T
I’ve got just the thing.
A LITTLE WHILE LATER NOW, ANIS IS DRESSED TO PERFECTION.
T
How is it?
ANIS
Cut to measure…perfect. Brioni?
T
Rest assured.
ANIS
The shoes…Black Oxfords?
T
The finest kind, with, of course, all the usual features. Now, pay attention, I know you are going to need a substantial amount of funding for this, so here is a gold card…
ANIS
Excellent.
T
…If you slide the top strip forwards, like this (DEMONSTRATING) this little clip comes out (IT DOES) you can use it as a lock pick.
ANIS
Well, they always said having a gold card can open brand new doors.
T
That’s not a common axiom in the parlance I tend to use myself, I think you made that phrase up purely to make a crap pun, but no matter, if you slide the top strip backwards, which I’m NOT going to do, it activates a five-second timed ignition inside, combusting the magnesium strip inside with a concentrate of C4, powerful enough to pierce an armoured car, so be very careful…
ANIS
Beware of the credit crunch!
T
Indeed…remember, forward for the lock pick, backward to blow up. And here’s a nice little surprise…your new car.
ANIS
I get a new car?
T
Yes.
ANIS
Ah, sweet!
T PULLS A TARPAULIN OFF A BIG SEXY LOOKING CAR. A SLEEK MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR.
T
Your new car: bulletproof, bombproof, shockproof, fireproof, laser proof, and burglar proof. Proof of just about anything.
ANIS
Ha. Then how do I get in?
T
Funny, you should say that, it’s configured to your fingerprints only. Now, it’s equipped with grille mounted machine guns, stinger missiles, smart torpedoes, rocket launchers, and harpoons. Extras: battering rams, revolving registration plates, smokescreen, oil jets, spike dispenser, tyre slashers, cement jets, mine dispensers, all-points radar, grenade launchers, standard ejector seat, driver and passenger, radar absorbent material for stealth, jet engine, CCTV, lasers, land-to-air/land-to-land/land-to-water heat seekers, flamethrowers, bulletproof tyres…oh, and four parachutes, in case you drive off a cliff again.
ANIS
Where do I sign!
T
You will find it exceedingly difficult to trash this car, Seabourne, but still, take care of it.
ANIS
Thank you. Ah, I need some ammo, my gun’s out.
T
Take some on your way out. Well, that’s all.
ANIS
I’m very grateful, but now I have to meet Oscar. He says he has information about the real person behind this.
T
Alright, watch your back.
ANIS
Till next time.
SCENE FIVE:
EXT. WATERLOO STATION - DAY
ANIS IS PARKING THE MERCEDES MACLAREN SLR AT WATERLOO STATION. ANIS’ THEME IS PLAYING (WHATEVER THAT IS). HE GETS OUT AND STRIDES INTO THE SHELTER OF THE STATION. AFTER SOME SEARCHING HE SPOTS OSCAR STANDING COMPLETELY STILL AMIDST THE JOSTLING CROWD. ANIS APPROACHES HIM.
ANIS
Oscar.
OSCAR
Anis.
ANIS
What’s the story?
OSCAR
They are all after you. Trust no one.
ANIS
I could see that for myself…what do you have for me?
OSCAR
Well you know, Farhad and I were investigating the suspicious activity of David Thornevil…it’s this I want to discuss with you.
ANIS
I’m all ears.
OSCAR
Yes…but not here, we should move. It’s dangerous.
SCENE SIX:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
MATT AND LAUREN ARE DOING BACKGROUND CHECKS ON DAVID THORNEVIL USING THE INTERNET…SOURCE OF EVERYTHING.
LAUREN
I can’t find anything.
MATT
Look harder.
LAUREN
I am.
MATT FURROWS HIS BROW AT THE SCREEN, TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING. WE FOLLOW HIS EYES MOVING LEFT AND RIGHT READING FROM THE LAPTOP. HIS EYES STOP.
MATT
Lauren, do you know what Synopsense is?
LAUREN
No, I’ve never heard of it.
MATT
This company has been a financial backer of Thornevil for ages, but I can’t find it anywhere on the internet. I’m checking into the bank accounts of Thornevil’s…they’ve received a donation of £3,030,303,030.30 from Synopsense. I’m not sure this organisation even exists.
LAUREN
What do you want me to do?
MATT
I want you to widen your search to include Synopsense. Something’s up.
SCENE SEVEN:
INT. OSCAR’S CAR - DAY
OSCAR IS DRIVING ANIS AROUND BATTERSEA.
OSCAR
David must have been onto us, that’s the only reason for the murders yesterday.
ANIS
What was he up to?
OSCAR
He is an oil tycoon, but there were some irregularities with the banking, something to do with Synopsense. GA943 got involved…asking for trouble like we always do, and look what happened. Over a hundred good men and women got killed…for nothing.
ANIS
And apparently I’m to blame. You mentioned Synopsense, that’s what…is that…?
OSCAR
It’s a damn joke, Anis. Farhad is dead. He and I…we were so close to getting that fucker.
ANIS
Presumably you two were undercover?
OSCAR
Yes.
ANIS
Then how could anything get traced back to GA943?
SILENCE.
ANIS
Presumably if you two were both doing your jobs right, there was no way to connect GA943 with an investigation into David Thornevil…unless you guys weren’t doing your jobs…How did Thornevil even know to strike yesterday when every agent would be present in one location. Only an employee could have known about it…unless…
OSCAR’S GUN CLICKS AGAINST ANIS’ HEAD. ANIS STOPS TALKING. OSCAR PULLS OVER, THEN TURNS TO FACE ANIS. ANIS LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE.
ANIS
How could you…we were your own people. It was a slaughter.
OSCAR
You’ve heard enough. I’m bringing you in. You’ve already been scapegoated. A clean death, and my part in this will be over.
SCENE EIGHT:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF TIME HAS ELAPSED. LAUREN AND MATT ARE REALLY BORED.
LAUREN
Ugh.
MATT
Jesus, I’m sick of this.
LAUREN
Let’s put the TV on.
MATT
I hardly see how that’s going to help.
LAUREN
Because surfing the internet has so far.
MATT
God, you’re annoying.
LAUREN
You’re worse.
MATT
Bloody hell! Fine!
MATT THROWS THE REMOTE AT HER. IT GRAZES ONE STRAND OF HER JUMPER’S MATERIAL.
LAUREN
Owwwwww!!!! That hurt! You didn’t have to beat me with a remote!
MATT
Overreaction much?
LAUREN
Erm, I’m sorry, you’re not from California, so I don’t know why you’re doing that thing they do, saying ‘much’ after stating some loserish comment, turning it into a question.
MATT
Oh just shut up and turn the TV on.
LAUREN
No! I won’t now! LOSER.
MATT’S LIPS THIN.
SCENE NINE:
INT. OSCAR’S CAR - DAY
ANIS IS SUBTLY THUMBING HIS POCKET FOR HIS GUN.
OSCAR
Ah ah ah! Give your gun to me. Slowly. Carefully.
ANIS SLOWLY PULLS OUT THE GUN FROM HIS POCKET. BEFORE YOUR EYES CAN REGISTER HE SKILLFULLY FLICKS HIS GUN SO IT’S COCKED AT OSCAR.
ANIS
Shoulda killed me when you had the chance. I’m not giving up.
OSCAR
Oh tush. You amuse me. Here we are both of us with guns aiming at each other. The first person to pull the trigger wins. So why haven’t you pulled yours?
ANIS
I need information.
OSCAR
Oh, what a boring reason.
ANIS
If you shoot me, I’ll shoot you instantly after.
OSCAR
If you shoot me, I’ll shoot you instantly after.
IT IS TENSE.
AFTER A WHILE OF HOLDING UP A GUN TO EACH OTHER’S HEADS, THEIR ARMS ARE GETTING TIRED.
OSCAR SUDDENLY MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SOMETHING OFFSCREEN.
OSCAR
Whoa! Look behind you!
ANIS
Yeah, I’m not falling for that.
OSCAR
You can forgive one for trying.
ANIS SUDDENLY MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SOMETHING OFFSCREEN
ANIS
Shit! What’s that?
OSCAR TURNS TO LOOK AND GETS HIT WITH THE BUTT OF ANIS’ GUN. FURIOUS AT FALLING FOR ANIS’ TRICK, HE SNARLS AND TRIES TO STRANGLE ANIS. ANIS GETS HOLD OF OSCAR’S WRIST AND APPLIES PRESSURE SO THAT BLOOD CUTS OFF. OSCAR LETS GO OF ANIS’ NECK AND ANIS KICKS OSCAR IN THE STOMACH AGAINST THE DRIVER’S WINDOW.
SCENE TEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
THE TV IS NOW ON. THE SQUABBLE HAS BEEN SORTED OUT. FOR NOW.
MATT
Why are we watching this?
LAUREN
There’s nothing else on.
MATT
Just check.
LAUREN
I don’t need to check.
MATT
But what if there’s something good on?
LAUREN
I’ll check when the adverts come on.
MATT
Yeah but the adverts on TV all come on at the same time, what would be the point?
LAUREN IGNORES MATT.
MATT
Um…that’s my TV, you know!
LAUREN IGNORES MATT AND WATCHES THE TV.
A BLACK PRIEST COMES ON TV.
BLACK PRIEST
Hello, good evening, and welcome to Mad Skillz, I’m your host, Reverend Ramsey Hassan. I’m going to be asking every one of you, the viewer to please call in and donate to our cause. Remember hell is full of paedophiles, racists, fascists, terrorists, tourists, people with bad breath, spiders, traffic wardens, flies, Paris Hiltons, those people who, when you get out of the way to avoid them are still somehow in your way, slow walkers, people who always reject you and cancel your appointments, your real father, slick salesmen, con artists, tax men, and the people who cancelled Futurama. If you call and donate to us, you will be guaranteed a place in heaven, which is full of Scarlet Johanssons, Maria Sharapovas, Vernon Kays, Sir Tom Jones’s, Luciano Pavarottis, everlasting mp3 players, ultra high speed internet connection, every film and TV show available on Blu-ray, pralines and cream Haagen-Dazs, clean teeth, good smells, hot buttered toast, and mountains of money.
MATT
Again…why are we watching this?
LAUREN IGNORES MATT AND WATCHES THE TV.
REVEREND RAMSEY
Well, we were on yesterday, and yesterday, we made…drumroll please…thanks Mike, the drumroll supervisor, everybody. We made…5 billion Euros…and I’m just getting how much that is in pounds, bare with me…three billion and thirty million, three hundred and three thousand and thirty pounds, thirty pence!
MATT SITS UP.
MATT
£3,030,303,030.30???? There it is!
MATT JUMPS UP AND SITS CLOSE TO THE SCREEN WATCHING INTENTLY.
REVEREND RAMSEY
In just a moment I’ll have the figures for today…how much have we raised today? How much? Well ladies and gentlemen, God has told me that today we have raised another seven million pounds! But he also tells me he is going to send everyone to hell with the bad breath and paedophilia if we don’t donate together a combined forty five million, so please ring up folks. Remember, I’m doing this for free.
MATT
They’re up another seven million? Quick, Lauren, refresh the screen showing the money contributed by Synopsense.
LAUREN DOES.
LAUREN
Yep, it’s now 3 billion and thirty seven million.
MATT
Oh my god, of course! That’s how he’s doing it. This whole televangelism thing is a front to fund this Thornevil bastard…so why nothing for Synopsense? Unless…try searching the databank of Reverend Ramsey Hassan.
LAUREN
I’m looking now…ok he was a political activist in the eighties, got committed to jail…for fornication with a, oh my god…
MATT
What?
LAUREN
A bear!
MATT
Well, never mind that, what’s he been up to recently?
LAUREN
It says here that he has been hosting this televangelism show for the past three years…about the same amount of time Thornevil’s getting himself established.
MATT
Oh I’m seeing right through this. I’m gonna use my laptop too. Keep looking…I’m glad we’re finding more.
SCENE ELEVEN:
INT. OSCAR’S CAR - DAY
ANIS AND OSCAR ARE FIGHTING IT OUT INSIDE THE CAR. OUTSIDE OF THE CAR, SOME CHAVVY KIDS ARE POINTING AND LAUGHING COS THEY THINK THERE ARE PEOPLE SHAGGING INSIDE.
INSIDE THE CAR OSCAR’S ELBOW HAS SUNK INTO ANIS’ NECK. ANIS CAN’T BREATHE. ANIS REPEATEDLY KNEES OSCAR IN THE NADS, BUT OSCAR DOESN’T EVEN REACT. ANIS GIVES UP AND WRIGGLES SO OSCAR LOSES HOLD, THEN GIVES OSCAR A COLOSSALLY MASSIVE HEADBUTT. OSCAR’S NOSE BREAKS AND HE SCREAMS AGONISED.
OSCAR
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHAAAAIIIEEEEE!!!!
HE PUNCHES ANIS IN THE FACE WITH A LOUD SMASH.
ANIS
Agh! Gordon Bennett!
OUTSIDE THE CAR, ITS JOSTLING HAS ATTRACTED POLICE ATTENTION.
INSIDE THE CAR, BOTH TRAINED GOVERNMENT OPERATIVES GRASP EACH OTHER’S NECK AND SQUEEZE AS HARD AS THEY BOTH CAN. THEY BOTH GO RED AND GET WEAKER. ANIS TAKES ADVANTAGE OF OSCAR’S WEAKENING AND SOON OSCAR DIES. BEFORE ANIS CAN GET HIS BREATH BACK, THE WINDOW IS SMASHED AND HE IS DRAGGED OUT BY ROUGH POLICE HANDS.
PC#1
Oi oi. What’s going on here then? Just felt like fucking in a public place in the morning eh, guv?
ANIS (CHOKING)
It’s not…
THE SECOND POLICE OFFICE INSPECTS THE REST OF THE CAR.
PC#2
Eh! It was another bloke in ‘ere!
PC#1 LOOKS AT THE BRUISED ANIS ON THE FLOOR DISGUSTED.
PC#2
And ’e’s dead.
PC#1
’E’s dead?
PC#2
’E’s dead, ’e is, I toldja
PC#1 ROUGHLY HAULS ANIS UP TO HIS FEET AND HANDCUFFS HIM BEHIND HIS BACK.
PC#1
Well, you sir, are under arrest. You do not need to say anything…
ANIS
Wait, just…
ANIS TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THIS DUMB COPPER WHO ACTUALLY OBEYED THE ‘WAIT’ COMMAND AND DOES ANOTHER SICKENING HEADBUTT. HE DOES A SUPREMELY SLICK JUMP WHERE HE HYPER BENDS HIS KNEES AND BRINGS HIS CUFFED HANDS UNDERNEATH THEM SO THEY ARE NOW IN FRONT OF HIM, AND BEFORE THE FIRST CONSTABLE’S NOSE HAS EVEN STARTED TO BLEED, HE HAS THE SECOND OFFICER IN A CHOKEHOLD. AFTER A REALISTIC AMOUNT OF TIME, TWENTY STRANGLING BONE-CRUNCHING SECONDS OR SO, THE SECOND POLICE OFFICER FALLS UNCONSCIOUS NEXT TO THE OTHER POLICEMAN.
CHAVVY KID
Fahkin’ ’ell!
PC#1 GETS ON THE RADIO AND RADIOS FOR BACK UP THROUGH HIS BLOOD SOAKED FACE.
PC#1
Back up…send back up!
ANIS GRABS HIS GUN FROM THE CAR AND SCAMPERS AWAY CROUCHED DOWN USING CARS AS COVER. PC#1 FIRES OFF A COUPLE OF WIDE SHOTS AT ANIS. ANIS CROUCHES DOWN BEHIND SOME CARS AND BANGS OFF SOME WARNING FIRE. PC#1 RETURNS IT, AND BY NOW BACK UP HAS ARRIVED. ANIS’ EYES DART LEFT AND RIGHT AS HE TRIES TO MAKE A PLAN. HE TAKES A TIME OUT FROM THINKING TO FIRE OFF MORE WARNING SHOTS. ONE OF THE BULLETS HITS THE POLICE CAR’S PETROL TANK. THE NOISE IS SO LOUD THE WINDOWS OF THE CAR ANIS IS USING AS COVER SHATTER SENDING GLASS OVER HIM. HE PEEKS UP TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED AND HE STARES AGHAST AT THE POLICE CAR, ELEVATED BY AN OTT FIREBALL FORTY FEET INTO THE AIR IN SLOW MOTION. HE STARES FOR A MOMENT AS THE CAR HOVERS IN THE AIR. HE LOOKS AT HIS GUN, SURPRISED, THEN BACK AT THE MASSIVE FIREBALL HOVERING CAR ORGY. THEN, GRAVITY HITS AND THE CAR BEGINS ITS DESCENT TO THE GROUND. ANIS IS ALREADY RUNNING.
ANIS IS RUNNING AWAY, LOOKING FOR AN ESCAPE ROUTE. HE DARTS DOWN AN ALLEY. NOW THE POLICE HAVE MORE SUPPORT AND START TO PURSUE HIM DOWN THE ALLEY. ANIS JUMPS ONTO A BIN AND VAULTS OVER A CHAIN FENCE, DESPITE THE HINDRANCE OF HAVING CUFFED HANDS. HE DARTS OUT OF THE ALLEY BUT IS BLOCKED OFF BY ANOTHER POLICE CAR. ANIS DODGES THE CAR AND DEFTLY SHOOTS ONE OF THE CAR’S TYRES. POLICE GET OUT TO SHOOT BUT HE HAS ALREADY VANISHED.
ANIS IS RUNNING AND RUNNING, THEN STOPS TO GET HIS BREATH. A SHOT GOES OFF BY HIS HEAD AND HE FLINCHES. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM, SO HE DECIDES TO SCARPER. HE RUNS AND BOUNDS INTO THE ROAD. HE STANDS IN FRONT OF AN ONCOMING CAR AND WAVES HIS GUN. THE CAR, A BUGATTI VEYRON, SQUEALS ON THE BRAKES. ANIS RUNS AROUND THE SIDE OF THE CAR AND BRANDISHES HIS GUN AT THE DRIVER’S WINDOW.
ANIS
Move over, and stay calm.
THE WINDOW WINDS DOWN AND WE SEE THE DRIVER IS MOVIE STEREOTYPE NUMBER 534: THE LOUDMOUTH BLACK GUY. HIS NAME IS MARTIN.
MARTIN
Muthafucka, you musta lost yo goddamn mind!
ANIS CLICKS THE GUN IN MARTIN’S FACE.
MARTIN
Whoa, this muthafucka ain’t messin’ around.
MARTIN SCOOCHES OVER. ANIS GETS IN AND DRIVES AWAY.
MARTIN
W’a’g’w’an’n, muthafucka? Why you gotta fuckin’ getaway so muthafuckin’ fast? Shit! You’re handcuffed! You must be in some deep shit!
ANIS
Please stop talking, I’m not guilty, I work for the government, there’s just been a misunderstanding.
MARTIN
Muthafuckas in a misunderstandin’ don’t be just be pullin’ over random drivers. Muthafuckas in a misunderstandin’ wait for the misunderstandin’ to be resolved and shit.
ANIS HAS GIVEN UP ON TALKING AND WEAVES THROUGH THE TRAFFIC.
THERE IS A HELICOPTER ABOVE THEM WHICH ATTRACTS ANIS’ ATTENTION.
ANIS
Ah shit…
MARTIN
What?
ANIS
There must be a tunnel around here somewhere, so I can lose the chopper.
MARTIN
Wha…that helicopters tracking you? In my muthafuckin’ baby? Git the fuck outta mah car!
ANIS
Look, they don’t know I’m in a car, just act normal, and it’ll be fine.
MARTIN
This is some booooshit.
ANIS COMES TO A TRAFFIC LIGHT AT A CROSSROADS. A POLICE CAR COMES INTO VIEW FROM ANIS’ RIGHT. ANIS STARES AT IT, SILENTLY PRAYING.
ANIS (MURMURING)
Come on, come on, nothing to see here.
WE LINGER ON THE POLICE CAR FOR A FEW TENSE MOMENTS. THEN IT POPS THE SIREN.
ANIS
Crap.
ANIS PULLS UP THE HANDBRAKE, SLAMS HIS FEET ON THE ACCELERATOR AND SWITCHES UP THE GEARS.
MARTIN
Shiiiit!!
THREE POLICE CARS FOLLOW THEM.
MARTIN
Mu’afucka, you headin’ for the bridge! There’s too much traffic!
ANIS (DRIVING. NO NONSENSE)
Well there’s one thing they didn’t count on…my reckless disregard for human life!
ANIS VEERS TO AVOID THE TRAFFIC ON BATTERSEA BRIDGE AND RIDES UP THE KERB ONTO THE PAVEMENT. HE HAS TO LET GO OF THE WHEEL SO HIS CUFFED HANDS CAN REACH THE GEAR STICK. HE CLUTCHES IT WAY UP INTO FIFTH.
MARTIN
You sure are a crazy sonofa…whoaaaaaa!!!
ANIS IS ZOOMING OVER THE BRIDGE, BEEPING THE HORN FRANTICALLY. JOGGERS DIVE ‘COMICALLY’ OUT OF THE WAY INTO THE TRAFFIC. FOR SOME REASON THAT MUSTASCHIOED BORAT LOOKING FRUIT CART OWNER IS JUST WALKING DOWN THE BRIDGE. HE SEES THE BEEPING CAR HEADING TOWARDS HIM AND HE SENSIBLY JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY. INSTEAD OF DIVING INTO THE ROAD, HE JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY INTO THE THAMES. ANIS DRIVES BY.
NOTHING TO FEAR, HOWEVER, THE MUSTASCHIOED BORAT DUDE EMERGES FROM THE RIVER WITH A FISH SLAPPING ON TOP OF HIS HEAD. HE SPEWS OUT A LOAD OF RIVER WATER, THEN HE SHAKES HIS FIST ANGRILY AFTER THE CARS, SCOWLING AND CURSING.
BACK WITH ANIS, HE’S BACK ON THE ROAD, STILL TRYING TO ELUDE THE COPS, BUT IS HAVING TROUBLE BECAUSE OF THE HELICOPTER. HE PULLS OUT INTO THE OPPOSITE LANE, AND VEERS AROUND PAST MILLBANK. A POLICE CAR CUTS HIM OFF AND DRIVES IN FRONT OF HIM.
MARTIN
We’re dead, muthafucka! They come for us!
BEFORE ANIS CAN REPLY, A MISSILE HAS BEEN FIRED INTO THE POLICE CAR. THERE IS AN EXPLOSION IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEY STARE AGAPE AS THE POLICE CAR SAILS OVER THEIR HEADS.
ANIS AND MARTIN
What the f…
ANIS AND MARTIN LOOK LEFT TO SEE WHERE ‘THE F…’ THE MISSILE CAME FROM. THERE IS A CAR DRIVING BESIDE THEM. STANDING FIRM THROUGH THE SUN ROOF IS A GORGEOUS SKINNY BLONDE GIRL HOLDING A BAZUKA.
ANIS
Holy shit…
MARTIN
She’s NICE!
ANIS PANICS AS HE SEES HER LOAD ANOTHER MISSILE AND AIM FOR HIM. ANIS GETS OUT HIS GUN AND SHOWS IT TO MARTIN.
ANIS
Do you know how to use a gun?
MARTIN
Whoa, mu’afucka, you ain’t getting’ my fingerprints on that shit!
ANIS
Then fucking drive!
ANIS SLIDES HIS SEAT BACK FORCEFULLY. THIS ISN’T A TIME TO DEBATE.
ANIS
Take the wheel!
MARTIN
Whoa, mu’afucka! My car!! Whatchoo doin’!!
ANIS DEFTLY SLIDES HIMSELF OVER INTO THE BACKSEAT, LEAVING MARTIN TO CLIMB AWKWARDLY INTO THE DRIVING SEAT. ANIS ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOWS AND AIMS AT THE BLONDE GIRL.
SHE FIRES AT THE CAR.
ANIS
MOVE!!!
MARTIN SWERVES WILDLY INTO MILLBANK, NARROWLY AVOIDING THE MISSILE, AND DOES A 360 DEGREE TURN ON THE GRASS. HE GETS OFF THE PARK BACK ONTO THE MAIN ROAD AND GETS DIRECTLY BEHIND THE CAR.
MARTIN (SMUG)
How’s that for drivin’?
ANIS
We do not want to be behind her, get in front!
MARTIN
Oh yeah, shit!
THE CARS RACE PAST WESTMINSTER.
THE BLONDE GIRL RELOADS THE MISSILE AND AGAIN AIMS AT THE CAR. ANIS POPS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SHOOTS AT HER. SHE GETS DOWN, HER HEAD JUST PEEKING OUT OF THE SUNROOF. SHE AIMS THE BAZUKA BY FEEL. SHE FIRES.
MARTIN STEERS OUT OF THE WAY JUST IN TIME TO COME IN ON HER CAR’S RIGHT SIDE. THE MISSILE HITS THE TAILING POLICE CAR WHICH BLOWS UP, SOMERSAULTING SPECTACULARLY, BLOCKING THE OTHER FOLLOWING POLICE CARS. THE GIRL JUMPS AS BULLETS SCATTER AROUND HER HEAD. SHE SEES THE DENTS FROM THE BULLETS PEPPERED ON THE CAR’S ROOF AND LOOKS UP. IT’S THE POLICE HELICOPTER. SHE RELOADS THE BAZUKA AND AIMS.
MARTIN PULLS THE CAR IN FRONT OF HERS. HE LOOKS BACK AT ANIS. ANIS IS ABOUT TO SHOOT THROUGH THE REAR WINDOW. MARTIN’S EYES BUG OUT.
MARTIN
Mu’afucka please! What do you think you’re doing?
ANIS
I’m trying to stop her!
MARTIN
Stop her without breaking my goddamn window!
ANIS TURNS HIS HEAD AND CRANES HIS NECK OUT OF THE WINDOW. IT’S AN AWKWARD POSITION. HE STOPS SCOWLING AS HE HEARS THE SOUND OF THE MISSILE. IT’S NOT FIRED AT HIM, HOWEVER. HE LOOKS AND SEES THE MISSILE FIRE INTO THE SKY AT THE HELICOPTER. IT HITS. THE HELICOPTER EXPLODES, AND FLAMING OFFICERS PRECIPITATE ONTO THE TRAFFIC.
ANIS
Alright, this girl’s a psycho.
ANIS TAKES AIM, AND FIRES AT HER, BUT HIS KILLER AIM IS THROWN OFF BY MARTIN’S PANICKY DRIVING.
ANIS
Keep it straight! Wait, turn here! Over the bridge!
MARTIN
Mu’afucka, we going back over ANOTHER bridge??? You goddamn crazy???
ANIS
Do you WANT to get bazukad??? Then shut up and drive!
MARTIN (QUOTING RIHANNA)
Shut up and drive, drive…
MARTIN SWERVES WILDLY. SUDDENLY ANOTHER CAR COMES OUT ONTO THE ROAD. THE DRIVER IS ALSO SHOOTING AT THEM.
MARTIN
Fucking hell, what we gonna do?
ANIS
Don’t panic! Just drive down to Waterloo.
THE THREE CARS RACE DOWN THE BRIDGE, SIDE BY SIDE, WITH MARTIN’S CAR IN THE MIDDLE. ANIS SPIES A SIGN IN FRONT OF THE IMAX.
ANIS
Try to keep on the right!
ANIS MOVES ONTO THE RIGHT BACK SEAT, ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW, AND FACES THE BAZUKA GIRL’S CAR.
HE FIRES AT THE WOODEN SIGN, WHICH GETS DESTROYED.
ANIS
Keep on the right!
BY KEEPING THE CAR ON THE RIGHT, THEY HAVE FORCED THE BLONDE GIRL ONTO A MAKESHIFT RAMP USING THE COLLAPSED SIGN. HER CAR FLIES INTO THE AIR, HEADING STRAIGHT TO THE IMAX.
CUT TO:
INT. IMAX CINEMA.
THE AUDIENCE IS AVIDLY WATCHING SPIDER-MAN 2 IN 3D.
ON SCREEN:
TOBEY MAGUIRE AS PETER PARKER
…kiss you?
KIRSTEN DUNST AS MARY JANE WATSON
I need to know something. Just one kiss.
KIRSTEN DUNST MOVES TO KISS TOBEY MAGUIRE.
IN AUDIENCE:
AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLED GARY
Gosh watching this in 3D makes everything seem more realistic.
AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLED SUMAYYA
The film’s been on for an hour and forty minutes, isn’t it a kind of badly written, hackneyed thing for someone sitting in the audience to make that sort of comment on it now?
ON SCREEN A CAR SUDDENLY FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW AT THE CAFÉ WHERE TOBEY MAGUIRE AND KIRSTEN DUNST ARE SITTING.
THEN THE BLONDE GIRL’S CAR *CONVENIENTLY* FLIES INTO THE CINEMA. AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT. YEAH.
EXCEPT SHE DOESN’T FLY IN THROUGH THE SCREEN, THAT WOULD MAKE THE PREVIOUS TEN SECONDS BITTERLY IRONIC AND ARBITRARILY PITHY, INSTEAD SHE COMES CAREERING OUT OF THE AUDIENCE, KILLING GARY AND SUMAYYA, AND LANDING ON MANY OTHER INNOCENT MEMBERS, KILLING THEM.
CUT TO:
EXT. IMAX CINEMA
MARTIN AND ANIS ARE NOW EVADING THE ONE OTHER CAR, WHICH HAD THE DRIVER SHOOTING AT THEM.
MARTIN IS CONGRATULATING HIMSELF ON HIS DRIVING AND ABILITY TO SEND A DEADLY ASSASSIN FLYING INTO A CINEMA. ANIS IS MARVELLING AT THE SECOND HUGE HOLE HE LEFT IN A LONDON LANDMARK IN TWO DAYS.
ANIS THEN SPOTS SOME ROADWORKS AHEAD.
ANIS
Wait, concentrate on the road!
MARTIN LOOKS BACK ONTO THE ROAD WHERE HE’S DRIVING. HE’S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE ROADWORKS.
MARTIN
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
MARTIN COVERS HIS EYES AS HIS CAR CRASHES INTO SOME ROADWORK SIGNS. ANIS DOES HIS SEATBELT AS THE CAR GOES FLYING INTO A HUGE TRENCH.
MARTIN AND ANIS
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
THE CAR LANDS SAFELY IN THE HOLE. HOWEVER, THEY ARE NOW TRAPPED AS BUILDERS ARE FILLING THE HOLE WITH CEMENT. THE CEMENT POURS ON THE WINDSCREEN.
MARTIN
AAAAAAHHH! Mofo!! My car!!
HE TRIES TO OPEN HIS DOOR TO GET OUT, BUT IT ONLY OPENS AN INCH INTO THE CONCRETE PIT AROUND THEM.
MARTIN
AAAH!! We’re trapped, and bout to be covered in cement!
ANIS
I’m going to have to shoot through the back window.
MARTIN BLINKS, EYES WELLING UP.
MARTIN
OK.
ANIS UNDOES HIS SEATBELT, SHOOTS THREE BULLETS INTO THE WINDOW AND ELBOWS HIS WAY OUT OF THE CAR, ONTO THE BOOT, AND SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE HOLE. MARTIN FOLLOWS HIM AND ESCAPES JUST IN TIME TO SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL CAR COVERED IN CEMENT.
MARTIN
My car…
ANIS
Well, at least we’re alive.
MARTIN
My baby…
SUDDENLY A GUN CLICKS AT THEM. IT IS THE DRIVER OF THE OTHER CAR. HE IS A ROUND BLACK MAN. ANIS TRIES TO SHOOT, BUT HIS GUN IS OUT OF BULLETS, HAVING USED THE LAST THREE TO ESCAPE THE CAR.
ANIS THROWS DOWN THE GUN AND HOLDS HIS CUFFED HANDS UP DEFEATED.
SCENE TWELVE:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
MATT AND LAUREN ARE STILL ON LAPTOPS LOOKING FOR CONNECTIONS.
LAUREN
I’ve found it!
MATT
Ooo what’ve you found?
LAUREN
Well, we were looking for Synopsense, right? Because of all the money…well instead of Synopsense, I looked for Synop-dollar sign-ense
MATT
Dollar sign? The S with a line through it?
LAUREN
Yes! Here it is!
MATT SWEEPS ASIDE HIS LAPTOP AND SITS NEXT TO LAUREN. HE SEES THE SCREEN. THEY ARE LOOKING AT ‘SYNOP$ENSE’
LAUREN
Look at these accounts…they go back 8 years…and then nothing.
MATT
It’s like they never existed before…
LAUREN LOOKS AT MATT.
LAUREN
What’s the connection?
SCENE THIRTEEN:
EXT. WATERLOO STATION - DAY
ANIS AND MARTIN ARE STANDING APART, STARING AT THE ROUND BLACK MAN AIMING AT THEM. THE MAN REACHES INTO HIS POCKET.
MAN (PULLING OUT BADGE)
I’m Blake Leator, CIA.
ANIS
CIA?
BLAKE
Yes, and that blonde trying to obliterate you was Isis Connollyngus.
ANIS
Why does that ring a bell?
BLAKE
You should know, GA943 was tracking her. They linked her to a trio of girl assassins. Their identities are top secret.
ANIS
Why did she try to kill us? And for that fact, why were you?
BLAKE
I wasn’t shooting at you, I was shooting at her. Thanks to your antics we’ve got a cinema with a five foot wide gaping hole in the middle.
ANIS LOOKS OVER AT MARTIN.
ANIS
Let this man go, I had to commandeer his car to escape.
BLAKE LOOKS OVER AT MARTIN.
BLAKE
Boy…what’s your name?
MARTIN
Martin, motherFUCKAA.
BLAKE
Shame about your car. It was a beautiful thing. Now get the hell outta here. And don’t look back now.
MARTIN RUNS AWAY.
BLAKE
You are Anis Seabourne, am I correct?
ANIS
Yes.
BLAKE
We’ve been keeping an eye on you folks from across the pond and we responded to the mass murder from yesterday…that must have been hard to lose so many good men and women…well, we were also investigating David Thornevil, and we suspected he was connected to the Shibboleth device theft. We were gonna come over and give you guys a hand.
ANIS
What is the Shibboleth device?
BLAKE
Um…perhaps it’s best you don’t know. Can we move from here? The police are going to come any minute.
ANIS
Do you mind if I take my own car? You can follow me to a safe place.
HE POINTS BLAKE TO THE PARKED MERCEDES MACLAREN.
BLAKE
Be my guest.
SCENE FOURTEEN:
INT. GA943 – DAY
THE AGENTS LUCKY ENOUGH TO STILL BE ALIVE ARE SCANNING FREQUENCIES AND DIALLING UP LOTS OF NUMBERS. IT ALL LOOKS BIG BUSINESS. SUDDENLY AGENT EMMA HEARS SOMETHING PROMISING ON HER HEADPHONES. SHE GETS UP AND RUNS TO M’S OLD OFFICE, WITH KAREN AND LAWRATU NOW SAT IN IT.
KAREN
What?
EMMA
I think we found them, there’s a flat in Croydon logged onto our database…it was passkey encrypted, so I couldn’t tell whose account it was, but we’re all here, so…
LAWRATU
Worth a look.
KAREN
It’s them.
EMMA
Well, actually Oscar’s gone missing…it could be him.
LAWRATU
Get Agent Cristina to get a hold of Oscar. Everyone is meant to stay here. Get everyone else, we’re going to Croydon.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
EXT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
ANIS AND BLAKE GET OUT OF THEIR CARS. ANIS NODS BLAKE TO FOLLOW HIM UP TO MATT’S HIDEOUT.
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT. ANIS OPENS THE DOOR AND COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
ANIS
What did you find?
MATT
You’re not gonna believe it – who’s he?
BLAKE
Know your friends, Mr McLeron. I’m Blake Leator, CIA. I’m here to help. You do not need to introduce yourself; we all admire you over at the agency for offing the French president.
MATT SHAKES HANDS WITH HIM.
MATT
This is Lauren.
BLAKE (GUARDED)
Hey.
ANIS
First, let’s get these handcuffs off.
MATT
Lauren, there’s a hacksaw in a utility drawer, near the sink.
SHE LEAVES TO GET IT.
MATT AND ANIS
So what can you tell us?
MATT
You first.
ANIS
Ok, what we have is a billionaire who was up to some iffy economising, and GA943 got involved. For some reason, Oscar switched sides and leaked the best time for an ambush.
LAUREN RETURNS AND HELPS SAW ANIS OUT OF THE CUFFS.
MATT
Oscar?
ANIS
He tried to kill me. He’s responsible for yesterday’s bloodbath.
MATT
Whoa…
ANIS
And what’s more, there is a blonde assassin out to get me…though I think I killed her. However, I’m told she is part of a trio, so there’ll be another two after me…also this David stole the Shibboleth device.
MATT
What did we say yesterday?
ANIS
I know.
MATT
We knew it! We bloody knew it!
ANIS
So what’d you find?
LAUREN FREES ANIS FROM THE CUFFS.
MATT
There has been a mysterious company called Synopsense collaborating with Thornevil’s company, donating money through a televangelism scam. We searched and searched and all we could find out about the company is that eight years ago, it didn’t exist. There’s no CEO, President, employees. I can’t even find shareholders. It’s a weird one. Wait…do you hear that?
ANIS
No.
LAUREN
No.
BLAKE
No.
MATT
No.
ANIS
No…
LAUREN
No…
BLAKE
No…
MATT
No…
MATT RUNS TO THE WINDOW AND PEERS OUT. HE IS JOINED BY ANIS.
MATT
Exactly: this is a main road…where are all the pedestrians?
ANIS
It’s GA943…they’re here!
MATT
Well, it’s a bit churlish to jump to that conclusion, oh wait, no you’re correct, look there’s Doreen hiding behind that car.
ANIS
You got a way out of here?
MATT
Don’t worry, escape plan’s always the first thing on my mind.
LAUREN GOES TO THE KITCHEN.
MATT
Hey, where’r’you going?
LAUREN STARTS OPENING CUPBOARDS HURRIEDLY.
LAUREN
Quick, start escaping. I’m going to slow them down.
ANIS
No, you’re coming with us.
LAUREN GRABS A BAG OF SUGAR.
LAUREN
Don’t worry, I’ll be right behind you.
ANIS
No, I’m not going to have you liaise with them, and leak all our good work, come ON.
LAUREN FINDS A CAN OF MOTOR OIL ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS A CAN OF BEANS IN THE UTILITY DRAWER.
LAUREN
Ok, you don’t have to leave without me, I’ll just be a minute.
ANIS WATCHES AT SHE PICKS OFF THE OIL CAN LID AND DIPS A PENCIL IN PULLS IT OUT AND PLACES IT ON A TISSUE. THEN SHE POURS SUGAR IN THE OIL CAN AND STIRS IT AROUND WITH A SPOON.
ANIS
Napalm?
LAUREN
We’re in a hurry, get ready.
SHE GETS SOME STRING, TIES IT AROUND THE PENCIL. THEN SHE TAKES A CIGAR OUT OF HER HANDBAG AND TIES THE STRING TO THAT. SHE PUTS THE CAN OF OIL AROUND TWO FEET AWAY FROM THE FRONT DOOR, AND PLACES THE CIGAR ON A TABLE SO THE OIL DOUSED PENCIL IS SUSPENDED SIX INCHES OR SO ABOVE THE OIL CAN. THE CIGAR NEARLY FALLS OFF THE TABLE BUT SHE GETS A HEAVY BOOK TO WEIGH IT DOWN. THEN SHE SETS THE PENCIL ALIGHT, THEN LIGHTS THE CIGAR.
LAUREN
Ok, we run now.
MATT AND BLAKE HAVE OPENED THE WINDOWS AND ARE READY TO JUMP ON THE BAR’S AWNING, SO THEY CAN GET TO THE CARS. BLAKE DROPS DOWN FIRST, THEN MATT, THEN LAUREN, THEN ANIS SO THEY ARE ALL NOW STANDING BY THE CARS.
ANIS
Matt, you go with Blake, I’ll go with Lauren.
HAMZA APPEARS.
HAMZA
Anis.
EVERYONE IS GROSSED OUT BY HAMZA’S HANDPRINT-EXCLUDING BURNED FACE.
ANIS
Whoa!
MATT
Like, dude, what happened to your face?
HAMZA
Him.
ANIS
Whoa, I never wanted that to happen, I just wanted to incapacitate you for a bit.
HAMZA
Well look at me now.
ANIS
Oh I know, it’s all that Arab perfume you put on your hand.
HAMZA
Oh yeah!
ANIS
Yeah, when you covered your face with your hand, that must have ignited the perfume.
HAMZA
You might have a point. But that is neither here nor there. I’m putting you away.
ANIS
You have to believe me, I have NOTHING to do with this. It’s all David Thornevil. Just investigate into Synopsense, you’ll find the same answers we did. Oscar confessed that it was him who gave away our positions to Thornevil and set up an ambush with Thornevil’s men. Investigate into Synopsense…please.
HAMZA FIDDLES WITH HIS RADIO, DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO ALERT EVERYONE.
CUT TO:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
THE CIGAR IS BURNING DOWN TO THE STRING SUSPENDING THE FLAMING PENCIL OVER THE NAPALM.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR KAREN IS WAITING FOR AGENT EMMA TO PICK THE LOCK.
KAREN
Quickly…
EMMA PICKS IT.
EMMA (WHISPERING)
Done.
SHE BEGINS OPENING THE DOOR.
KAREN (UNPROFESSIONAL HUNGRY GLEAM IN HER EYES)
No no no…let me.
KAREN OPENS THE DOOR. SUDDENLY HER RADIO GOES OFF.
HAMZA (O.S.)
I’ve got Seabourne down here! In front of the building every-argh!!
KAREN, DISTRACTED BY THE RADIO, DOES NOT AT FIRST REGISTER THE FLAMING PENCIL HELD ON A STRING FROM A CIGAR. THE CIGAR IS NOW WORN DOWN, SO THE STRING FALLS OFF, DROPPING THE LIT PENCIL INTO THE NAPALM.
BANG!!!!!!!!!!
KAREN GETS SET ON FIRE AND ROLLS ON THE GROUND SCREAMING FOR HELP.
KAREN
NOOOO!!!! I’M ON FIRE!!! AND SOES MEH FACE!!!!
CUT TO:
EXT. BUILDING - DAY
HAMZA IS NOT HOLDING HIS GUN AT THEM.
HAMZA
OK, I’ve covered my arse…run.
ANIS
Thanks, Hamza.
MATT
I know a good plastic surgeon, dude…sort your face out, man. You used to be well fit.
ANIS
Dude, you’re making things worse. You leave with Blake first. NOW!
MATT GETS INTO BLAKE’S CAR AND THEY DRIVE OFF.
ANIS SLIDES HIS FINGER ON THE SLR’S DOOR HANDLE AND IT OPENS FOR HIM. LAUREN GETS IN. HE DRIVES TO THE END OF THE ROAD. DOREEN IS IN HOT PURSUIT IN A CAR BEHIND HIM, BUT ANIS IS IN THE WORLD’S BEST CAR. HE FLICKS A BUTTON AND, AT THE REAR OF THE CAR, THE MERCERDES LOGO FLIPS UP AND STARTS SPEWING WET CEMENT.
ANIS
Alright, let’s hit it.
HE FLICKS THE SWITCH AGAIN AND THE CEMENT STOPS POURING. THE MERCEDES SYMBOL FLAPS BACK DOWN. HE DRIVES OFF AND DOREEN’S CAR GETS STUCK IN THE CEMENT. SHE ANGRILY POUNDS THE CAR’S HORN. ALL THE FOLLOWING GA943 AGENTS FALL FOR THE SAME TRICK AND GET CEMENTED TO THE ROAD.
ANIS CHUCKS THE PHONE TO LAUREN.
ANIS
Ring Matt’s phone. Put it on loudspeaker.
LAUREN CALLS.
MATT (O.S.)
Yo, Anis?
ANIS
This is it, we’re going to Thornevil.
MATT (O.S.)
Um…ok…
ANIS
Like Paul McCartney’s ex wife, we’re not running anymore!
LAUREN
What’s the plan?
BLAKE (O.S.)
Thornevillage is located on the south side of West Sussex. We should get there by evening.
ANIS
How do we go about getting in?
BLAKE (O.S.)
I’m going to log on to the CIA databank and download a schematic to my phone. Give me a few moments.
ANIS
I need ammo.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Don’t worry, I got enough weapons in the trunk.
LAUREN
How are we going to take him down?
ANIS
We go in, get proof, and if I meet him…it will be curtains for him.
MATT (O.S.)
He’ll get his chips.
ANIS
He’ll get his just desserts
MATT (O.S.)
His uppance shall come.
SCENE SIXTEEN:
INT. GA943 – NIGHT
ANOTHER IMPOSING SPEECH. THE FEW AGENTS OF GA943 LISTEN DEJECTED.
LAWRATU
Well, we found Anis. And he got away. AGAIN.
SHE LOSES IT.
LAWRATU
What are we paying you FOR!!!!!!
DOREEN
It’s not my fucking fault, he bonded our cars to the pavement.
LAWRATU
SHUT UP!!!!
EVERYONE KINDA FLINCHES.
LAWRATU
Karen has gone on leave. Her face was partially burned in the failed apprehension of Seabourne.
HAMZA
Um…my face was partially burned in the failed apprehension of Seabourne, I haven’t been allowed to go home.
LAWRATU
SHUT UP!!!!
HAMZA SCOWLS AND STARES DOWN AT HIS FEET AND RUINED HAND.
LAWRATU
No one is going home. No one is talking. You get your fucking heads to-fucking-gether and find that SONOFABITCH!
SCENE SEVENTEEN:
EXT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT
THORNEVILLAGE IS A WONDERFUL MASTERPEICE OF ARCHITECTURE. IT IS THORNEVIL’S OWN BASE OF OPERATIONS BOTH FOR HIS DIRTY DEALING AND SEEMINGLY BONAFIDE OIL MONOPOLY. IT HAS TURRETS AND BALCONIES, AND IT’S RATHER EXTRAVAGANT IN A WANTON SORT OF WAY.
ANIS IS PLUGGING IN A HANDS-FREE. MATT, LAUREN, AND BLAKE WAIT FOR THE PLAN EXPECTANTLY.
ANIS
OK, Blake, you’ve got the schematic, I want you on point navigating me through.
BLAKE
Ok, then. Matt, can you find a way to power down the electricity? At least if the Shibboleth device is being contained here, the lack of electricity should render it useless.
MATT
OK.
BLAKE
You need to go to the west and hit a point where the main vents are. That’s where the localised power station is.
MATT
Got it.
ANIS
Lauren, go with Matt.
LAUREN
I’m ready.
ANIS
You can handle yourself ok, alright?
LAUREN
I can handle myself just fine.
ANIS
OK, I’ll see you all on the other side. Good luck.
ANIS PATS BLAKE ON THE BACK. THEN HE SPUDS MATT GOODBYE. HE SNOGS LAUREN.
LAUREN
Anis…
ANIS
Yeah?
LAUREN
I love you.
ANIS
It was kinda obvious.
LAUREN
Is that all you’re going to say back?
ANIS
You ain’t half bad yourself, love, don’t worry. I like you and everything. Brup!
AT THAT, ANIS LEAVES AND SCURRIES OVER TO THE EAST OF THORNEVILLAGE. MATT AND LAUREN GO TO THE WEST. BLAKE CLIMBS UP THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING TO GET TO THE ROOF.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Anis, there's a small entry hole two stories up, northwest of the second stairwell near an old maintenance room, 120 feet from where you are.
ANIS
Roger that.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Say…Anis.
ANIS
Yo.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Do you trust Lauren?
ANIS
I’ve only known her a day, but so far…she’s proven herself capable. She’s got vitality, she’s beautiful…I wouldn’t leave home without her.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Well, she’s quite familiar to me, I’ve seen her before. I just can’t place it.
ANIS
Really?
BLAKE (O.S.)
Well, I figured you’re smart enough to know, anyone who I find familiar…in our line of work: not good.
ANIS
She’s with the agency, she’s got ties. She used to date a guy in an agency too.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Well, you’ve only known her a day, I’d keep cool about telling her you love her and that. This ain’t Speed. You ain’t Keanu Reeves. She ain’t Sandra Bullock. You’re not going to have a successful relationship like this. You need to have her open up.
ANIS
Speed wasn’t about real life events, Blake. I’m here now. Where next?
BLAKE
You need to get to the eighth floor, and make your way to the far east corner, 80 feet from the fire mains.
ANIS
Copy that.
BLAKE
I’ll be right above you. Watching.
SCENE EIGHTEEN:
INT. THORNEVILLAGE - NIGHT
LAUREN AND MATT ARE SOFTLY HURRYING TO THE POWER STATION. THEY ENTER UNMOLESTED. THE MAINS ARE LIKE A GIANT ENGINE, IMPOSSIBLY VAST.
MATT (HUSHED)
OK, to weaken the systems of a machine like this, both of us need to be working from either side. You go northside, I’ll go south.
LAUREN (WHISPERING)
OK.
SCENE NINETEEN:
INT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT
ANIS HAS REACHED HIS DESTINATION, THE MAIN OFFICE OF DAVID THORNEVIL. HE USES HIS CREDIT CARD LOCKPICK TO GET INTO THE DOOR. AH, HE’S SO AMAZING.
ANIS SEARCHES THROUGH SEVERAL FILING CABINETS AND STOWES AWAY SEVERAL INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS IN HIS GOLDENROD SATCHEL.
ANIS SILENTLY LEAVES THE OFFICE AND MAKES HIS WAY INTO A WIDE CIRCULAR ROOM. ON ONE SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A 20 FOOT WIDE MONITOR. ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE IS A GOTHIC ORNATE BALCONY.
BEFORE HE CAN EVEN BLINK, ROUGHLY SEVENTY ARMED GUARDS CLAD IN KEVLAR VESTS AND CAMOUFLAGE BURST IN AND TAKE AIM AT HIM. FROM A BALCONY ABOVE, DAVID THORNEVIL ENTERS AND LOOKS DOWN AT ANIS. ANIS IS TOTALLY, HOPELESSLY, SURROUNDED ON EVERY SIDE.
DAVID
We finally meet, Seabourne.
CUT TO:
INT. POWER ROOM
MATT IS RUNNING, KEEPING HIS BODY AS LOW AS POSSIBLE, BEHIND THE IMPORTANT MACHINES.
JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO POWER DOWN, A GUN CLICKS BEHIND HIS HEAD.
ATIA
Stop. Right. There.
CUT TO:
INT. CIRCULAR ROOM
ANIS LOOKS CORNERED.
DAVID
I think you’ll find escape quite impossible.
CUT TO:
EXT. THORNEVILLAGE ON THE ROOF.
BLAKE CREEPS DOWN THROUGH A WINDOW ONTO A SCAFFOLD HIGH ABOVE ANIS, AND WALKS SOFTLY TO A VANTAGE POINT. HE GETS OUT A SNIPER RIFLE, AND SETS IT UP TO AIM AT DAVID.
AS HE IS ABOUT TO PULL THE TRIGGER, HE IS SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD BY THE PSYCHOTICALLY DEADLY ISIS CONNOLLYNGUS.
CUT TO:
INT. CIRCULAR ROOM
ANIS LOOKS PENSIVE.
DAVID
Trying to use your gadgets, aren’t you? We are currently standing on a vast magnet, rendering any gadgets you have useless.
ANIS TRIES NOT TO LOOK PERTURBED AT THIS NEWS, BUT WE ALL KNOW THIS SPELLS DEATH FOR HIM.
DAVID
And as for your friends, they are currently being dealt with.
ANIS TRIES TO KEEP HIS POKER FACE. BUT IT IS OBVIOUS TO THE AUDIENCE THAT THIS IS A HUGE BLOW. BEFORE ANY MORE WORDS GET SPOKEN, BLAKE’S CARCASS FALLS IN FRONT OF ANIS, PUSHED OFF THE SCAFFOLD BY ISIS.
ANIS (FAÇADE CRUMBLING)
Fucking…monster…
ATIA ENTERS HOLDING A GUN TO MATT’S HEAD.
ANIS
You?
DAVID FLICKS A SWITCH AND AN IMAGE OF LAUREN COMES ON THE LARGE MONITOR OPPOSITE.
DAVID
Yes, yes, she and Isis work together in the field of waste management. They are currently being employed by me. They call themselves the Murdering Mistresses.
ANIS
Lauren…on the screen, what are you doing with Lauren?
DAVID LAUGHS AND HOLDS UP A KEYPAD.
DAVID
Lauren is trapped in a pressure chamber, and if I press this button here (DEMONSTRATING), it’s going to severely fuck up the pressure in the room.
HE PRESSES IT.
DAVID
Whoops!
ANIS
No!
DAVID
It’s amazing what a flick of a switch can do, isn’t it? Speaking of which, THIS switch does something wildly entertaining. You haven’t seen the Shibboleth device in action, have you? I bet you don’t even know what it does. Well, let’s pick a location…hmm…Knightsbridge. And let’s get a demonstration.
HE PRESSES SEVERAL BUTTONS. THEN
DAVID
Bombs away!
TANNOY
Target: Knightsbridge…estimated arrival…two minutes.
DAVID
In two minutes, Knightsbridge is going to be obliterated. Shame, Harrods was gonna have a sale tomorrow.
ANIS STARES SHOCKED AT DAVID, THEN LOOKS AT BLAKE’S DEAD BODY ON THE FLOOR, AT LAUREN SCREAMING ON THE BIG SCREEN, BLOOD SPURTING OUT OF HER EARS. HE TAKES A LOOK AT MATT, PLEADING FOR HIS LIFE. HE LOOKS AT THE MACHINE GUN BEING WAVED IN HIS FACE, AND AGAIN AT THE COUNTDOWN ON THE SCREEN. ONE MINUTE FIFTY SECONDS LEFT.
TICK…TOCK…
TICK…
TOCK…
END OF ACT TWO.
THE SHOCKING EXPLOSIVE FINALE HITS THIS PLACE IN ONE MONTH.
DO NOT MISS IT.
Friday, 5 December 2008
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
The GAP Action Film: Shibboleth: Act One by McLeron
SHIBBOLETH: ACT ONE
SCENE ONE:
EXT. AIRBASE - NIGHT
IT’S A MURKY NIGHT, TORRENTIAL MONSOON RAIN, OVER A SEEMINGLY MOSTLY DESERTED AIRSTRIP. WORM’S EYE VIEW OF LIGHTNING DIVIDING THE DESOLATE CLOUDY SKY. A HORRIBLE NOISE CREEPS IN OVER THE RAIN. WE SEE A JET FLY OVER FROM THE UNDERSIDE. WE WATCH IT TAXI ONTO THE AIRSTRIP AND COME TO A STOP. A MASKED MILITARY POSSE OF THREE SCURRY OFF THE PLANE AND STEALTHILY MAKE THEIR WAY TO A BASE.
RANDOM MILITARY EVIL HENCHMAN #1 (RMEH #1)
Three of a kind. Let’s do this.
RMEH #2
That’s it? Three guys?
RMEH #1
Two guys on the roof. Every guy gets a share.
RMEH #2
Five shares is plenty.
RMEH #1
Six shares. Don’t forget the guy who planned the job.
RMEH #2
He thinks he can sit it out and still take a slice?
RMEH #1
Well, we now know why they call him the Klown.
CUT TO THE TWO RANDOM MILITARY EVIL HENCHMEN ON THE ROOF.
RMEH #4
So why do they call him the Klown?
RMEH #5
I heard he wears Joker makeup.
RMEH #4
Makeup?
RMEH #5
Yeah! To scare people. You know, warpaint
RMEH #4
So why don’t they call him the Joker, then?
RMEH #5
Copyright issues/Health and Safety/Gareth - that’s the reason for everything.
THEY SHOOT THE SECURITY OFFICIALS STATIONED AROUND THE BASE AND AFTER SOME FAST EDITED SHOTS THEY ALL STAND TOGETHER CONVENIENTLY WHERE THEY WANT TO BE. THERE IS A SIGN IN SOME FOREIGN LANGUAGE WHICH CONTAINS THE CURIOUS WORD ‘SHIBBOLETH’ THEY ATTACH A GREEN STICKY BOMB TO THE DOOR WHICH BARS THE ENTRANCE TO THE PLACE FROM WHICH THEY INTEND TO STEAL. THE POSSE SCRAMBLE FOR COVER AS THE BOMB EXPLODES, AND AS THE DUST SETTLES WE SEE THEM MAKING OFF WITH A HUGE MACHINE. RMEH #1 GETS A BIGGER STICKY BOMB AND PLACES IT IN A STRATEGIC PLACE. HE RACES TO THE JET WITH THE HUGE MACHINE AND OTHER HENCHMAN IN TOW. AS THE JET LEAVES THE GROUND, RMEH #3 WHO HAS BEEN SUSPICIOUSLY SILENT THUS FAR, SHOOTS ALL OTHER HENCHMEN. THE BOMB EXPLODES DESTROYING THE BASE IN ITS ENTIRETY. HE WATCHES THIS FROM THE PLANE. THEN HE GOES TO THE COCKPIT AND SHOOTS THE PILOT, AND BEGINS TO FLY THE PLANE HIMSELF. HE TAKES OFF HIS MASK, AND ALTHOUGH WE DO NOT SEE HIS FACE, WE CAN SEE THE BLURRY REFLECTION OF CLOWN MAKE-UP IN THE COCKPIT WINDSCREEN. HE CACKLES MANIACALLY.
SCENE TWO:
EXT. POLISH GOVERNEMT OFFICES - DAWN
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF POLISH GOVERNEMT OFFICES.
INT. POLISH OFFICES - DAWN
A MATERNAL LOOKING BLONDE LADY CALLED MARGARET DOES A CROSSWORD AS HER INFATUATED PINCHNOSED COWORKER DOMINIK DISCREETLY EYES HER UP. THE PHONE RINGS, MAKING DOMINIK JUMP. MARGARET PICKS UP THE PHONE. MARGARET GARBLES IN POLISH. AT FIRST SHE IS NODDING ALONG. THEN SHE GASPS IN SURPRISE. THEN SHE GABBLES ANGRILY. THEN SHE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE. DOMINIK ASKS HER WHAT'S UP.
MARGARET
Bolsljra Shibboleth she hai.
DOMINIK
Shibboleth??
MARGARET
Ya ya danske Shibboleth she hausen!!
DOMINIK
Ay, Shibboleth. Na!!!
MARGARET
Well I just have be calling London, and get GA943.
SCENE THREE:
INT. GA943 – EARLY MORNING
WE ARE IN AN ORNATE POLISHED OLD GOVERNMENT BUILDING. AT A SMALL NEAT DESK SITS DELICIA PENNY-ELLIOT. THE PHONE RINGS.
DELICIA
Who’s calling, please…thank you…Please hold for M
DELICIA PUTS THE CALLER ON HOLD AND DIALS INTO THE OFFICE NEXT TO HER. AFTER A SHORT WHILE, M ANSWERS OVER THE PHONE
M
Yes?
DELICIA
I got Poland calling saying that –
M
Poland?? What the fudding hell do they bloody want?
DELICIA
Well basically, they are calling for…
M
Just put them through.
CAMERA DOES A WEST WING STYLE SLIDE THROUGH THE WALL, MOSTLY BECAUSE I CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO MAKE THIS AN ENTIRELY NEW SCENE, AS IT OCCURS RIGHT NOW. WE ARE IN M’S OFFICE. M IS A BLACK WOMAN DRESSED ALL IN BLACK SAT BEHIND A DESK. THE DESK LAMP IS ON BECAUSE THE OFFICE IS DIMLY LIT. SHE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE, AND SAYS CURTLY
M
Yes?...Oh good god…Well I guess we’re going to have to put our top man on this.
SCENE FOUR:
EXT. LOG CABIN - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE LOG CABIN IN A SWEDISH FOREST.
INT. SWEDISH LOG CABIN. A COUPLE ARE IN A STATE OF COITUS. WE SLIDE CAMERA OVER SOME SKIN WITHOUT RAISING THE FILM CERTIFICATE. THE WOMAN IS GROANING LOUDLY. WE CONTINUE SLIDING UNTIL THE CAMERA RESTS ON THE PHONE ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. IT LIGHTS UP AND BUZZES, ATTRACTING THE COUPLE’S ATTENTION. THE GIRL ASSUMES HER SEX TOY HAS GONE OFF, AND SPEAKS WITH A THICK GENERICALLY FRANCO-EUROPEAN ACCENT.
NOA
Oh boy, sorry it’s just…
SHE REALISES IT IS THE PHONE.
NOA
Your phone.
WE SEE THE BACK OF THE MAN’S HEAD POP UP AND READ HIS TEXT. IT’S FROM GA943. IT SAYS ‘COME URGENTLY’ THE MAN SHRUGS THIS OFF AS IF TO SAY TEXTING ME ISN’T GOING TO MAKE ME COME ANY URGENTER
FIVE MINUTES LATER, WE CUT TO HIM, FULLY DRESSED IN TUXEDO, STANDING WITH HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA IN FRONT OF NOA.
NOA
Who do you think you are? What do you think you are doing? You’re leaving me, right after we had sex? You haven’t even told me your name, you know that?
MAN
Name’s Scond…
NOA
Scond, you’re going nowh-
MAN
Name’s Scond. Ab…scond. As in I’m absconding from you? It was a joke, my actual name’s Anis
READS FROM HER BLANK LOOK.
ANIS
I just made a little joke because I’m about to ‘abscond’.
READS FROM HER BLANK LOOK.
ANIS
Abscond means leave.
NOA
I know what abscond means, you idiot, how are you making jokes after what you’ve just done?
ANIS
Waaaa, weeeell just thought it’d lighten the situation, y’know, it is kinda harsh how I’m leaving you, we just had sex, but point t’is, I gotta go to work, they are waiting for me, and, yes I know how it looks, but I’m afraid I have to go
NOA
Excuse me, do you have any idea who I am?
ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO FEAR.
ANIS
Oh god, not another call girl, look, just because I’m a high ranking government official, trust me, the –
NOA
How dare you think I’m a call girl, just because you are ‘high wanking’
ANIS
Ah shit, sorry, I-
NOA
QUIET!
ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO MILD ALARM AS NOA PRODUCES A GUN.
NOA
Not so talkative now, uh?
ANIS
Look, love, you think you’re the first girl to pull a gun on me?
NOA
You not interested why I’ve pulled a gun on you?
ANIS
Well if you wanted to tell me, I’m sure you’re about to.
NOA
You have no idea the world of shit you are in, right now, Sea-
ANIS MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT. HE STAMPS ON THE FLOORBOARD THEY ARE STANDING ON SO SHE IS JERKED UPWARDS. AT THE SAME TIME SHE FIRES THE GUN AT HIM, BUT HER AIM IS THROWN OFF TARGET BY THE MOVEMENT OF THE FLOORBOARD. THE BULLET MISSES ANIS AND SMASHES A MIRROR. BEFORE SHE HAS TIME TO EVEN REALISE WHAT HAS HAPPENED, ANIS IS WRESTLING THE GUN FROM HER. THEY BOTH HOLD ON TIGHT, AND IN THE STRUGGLE ANIS ENDS UP THROWING HER ONTO THE BED, CAUSING THEM TO BOTH LOSE THEIR GRIP ON THE GUN WHICH IS THROWN UPWARDS. THE BED LIFTS UP INTO THE WALL, CONVENIENTLY (COS IT’S ONE OF THOSE RANDOM WALL BEDS YOU ONLY SEE IN FILMS LIKE ROGER RABBIT AND THAT) AND NOA SCREAMS AS THE BED SPRINGS UP TO TRAP HER INSIDE THE WALL. ANIS WAS THROWN OFF BALANCE FROM THROWING HER ON THE BED AND HAS STAGGERED OVER AND SPINS ON HIS KNEE, CATCHING THE TOSSED GUN IN THE AIR AND FIRES THREE BULLETS INTO THE BED WALL THINGY CATHARTICALLY. ALL THIS TOOK UNDER TEN SECONDS.
ANIS
Once, twice, three times a lady…with a dry cool wit like that I could be an action hero.
ANIS CAUSUALLY BRUSHES SOME DIRT OFF HIS KNEE, TAKES APART THE GUN, POCKETS HIS PHONE AND LEAVES WITH HIS BRIEFCASE.
SCENE FIVE:
EXT. SWEDISH LOG CABIN - DAY
TRACK ANIS TO HIS BEAUTIFUL GREY ASTON MARTIN. HE OPENS THE DRIVER’S SIDE AND CHUCKS HIS BRIEFCASE HAPHAZARDLY ONTO THE PASSENGER SEAT. HE STARTS HIS CAR AND DRIVES OFF. CUE SEABOURNE THEME. AS HE’S DRIVING, HE SPOTS A RAPIDLY APPROACHING MOTORBIKE. HE FROWNS. IT GAINS ON HIM AND EVENTUALLY THE VEHICLES ARE SIDE BY SIDE. THE MOTORBIKE DRIVER’S HAIR BILLOWS OUT IN THE WIND. THE BIKER REMOVES THEIR HELMET. IT’S NOA.
ANIS
For crying out loud, I’m running late, let me go woman.
AS HIS WINDOWS ARE CLOSED AND THEY ARE DRIVING AT HIGH SPEED HE NEED NOT HAVE SAID THAT BECAUSE NOA WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HEAR HIM. ESPECIALLY NOT OVER THE LOUD DRAMATIC BRASS MUSIC THAT’S PLAYING ON THE SOUNDTRACK RIGHT NOW. NOA WAS UNABLE TO FIX THE GUN ANIS TOOK APART AT THE LOG CABIN, SO SHE RESORTS TO USING A FLAMETHROWER. SHE ENGULFS THE CAR IN FLAMES
ANIS
What the f…
ANIS BRAKES, THEN REVERSES. NOA HAS TO TURN THE BIKE AROUND. SHE WATCHES BEMUSED AS HE REVERSES 100 METRES AND STOPS. SHE REVS THE BIKE. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON HIS BACK WHEEL AS IT SUDDENLY SPINS. A FEW SECONDS LATER THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD AND KEEPS GOING. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON NOA’ BIKE’S BACK WHEEL. SHE ACCELERATES FORWARD. THEY ARE BOTH HEADING FOR EACH OTHER.
ANIS
Come on, come on hit me!
WE HAVE AN OVERHEAD AS THEY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER. NOA TRIES TO BAIL FROM THE BIKE, BUT MISJUDGES HER TIMING AND SHE LANDS ON ANIS’ FLAMING CAR. SHE SCREAMS IN PAIN FROM THE BLAZING HEAT AND ANGRILY TRIES TO BATTER HER WAY INTO THE CAR. ANIS SWERVES AND THEN PULLS DOWN THE HAND BRAKE CAUSING NOA TO BE THROWN FULLY OFF THE CAR AND INTO A TREE, THE IMPACT OF WHICH KILLS HER.
ANIS
“‘Once, twice, TREE times a lady’ Anis quipped.” Gosh I wish someone could have heard that…when else could anyone have possibly made a pun like that work, she was a lady, got killed by a tree, took me two tries to kill her...maybe I should have made a joke along the lines that her bark was worse than her bite…because trees have bark…well heheh, I don’t ARBOR any grudge against her, I was TREESED to meet her and now I have to LEAF…wait, who am I talking to?
ANIS FROWNS AS HE SEES NOA GET UP.
ANIS
What the hell, you’re unarmed, why didn’t you just act dead, I was about to leave.
AS SHE FLEW A LONG DISTANCE AND ANIS’ CAR HAS A LOT OF DEFENSES, NOA CAN’T HEAR WHAT ANIS IS SAYING. NOA TAKES OFF HER MOTORCYCLE JACKET AND STAGGERS OVER TO ANIS’ CAR, WHERE THE FLAMES HAVE MOSTLY DIED DOWN. ANIS WATCHES HER APPROACH CURIOUSLY. NOA GETS OVER TO THE CAR AND MOTIONS FOR ANIS TO ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW. ANIS GRUDGINGLY DOES SO. HE IMMEDIATELY REGRETS THIS AS NOA THROWS A GRENADE INSIDE.
ANIS
Ah shit, what the hell!
ANIS ACTS FAST. HE STARTS THE CAR, WHICH MAKES NOA LAUGH. HE SPEEDS OFF, BUT FLICKS A SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD. WE SEE SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE SHOOT OUT OF THE CAR’S SIDE. HE GRABS THE BRIEFCASE AND OPENS THE CAR DOOR SLIGHTLY. HE FLICKS ANOTHER SMALL SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD CAUSING THE CAR TO CONTINUE DRIVING FORWARD. HE DIVES OUT OF THE CAR DIRTYING HIS JACKET. WE CUT TO NOA WHO NOTICES SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE ATTACHED TO HER FLIES. AFTER SHE FOLLOWS THE PATH OF THE WIRE WITH HER EYES, IT DAWNS ON HER THAT IT IS THE GRAPPLING HOOK FROM A WIRE PITON SHOT FROM THE ASTON MARTIN. SHE SQUEALS AS THE CAR DRAGS HER ALONG THE GRAVEL INTO THE WOODED AREA WHERE ANIS JUMPED OUT, ONLY TO FIND HERSELF GETTING PULLED OFF A CLIFF. SHE SEES THE CAR FALLING TO THE BOTTOM AS SHE SAILS HORRIFIED INTO THE ABYSS. THE CAR EXPLODES JUST BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND, THE GRENADE FINALLY HAVING GONE OFF. SHE FALLS SCREAMING INTO THE FIREBALL AND HOPEFULLY DIES.
ANIS GETS TO THE CLIFF EDGE AND THINKS A GOOD LINE WOULD BE
ANIS
Third time’s a charm…oh, no wait, even better: third time’s a HARM…Ah that was just awesome.
IT DAWNS ON HIM THAT HE HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE, AND HE’S ALREADY RUNNING LATE.
CUT TO ANIS MISERABLY FEELING OVERDRESSED AS HE HITCHES A LIFT WITH A BUNCH OF IMMIGRANTS IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK WITH RANDOM CHICKENS CLUCKING, LOOKING FAIRLY RIDICULOUS IN HIS TUXEDO WITH THE ALL THE RAGGED PEOPLE.
WE NOW GO TO AN ELABORATE OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE WHERE SILHOUETTES CANOODLE TO A POWER BALLAD WITH SLIGHTLY OUT OF PLACE TRUMPETS WHICH GOES:
SHIBBOLETH!
THE TITLE’S REALLY VAGUE
SHIBBOLETH!
DOESN’T STAR DANIEL CRAIG
THE WORLD IS JUST LEARNING
AND ONLY HE CAN SAVE IT
FROM ITS EARLY BURNING
BY THE MOST EVIL DAVID
SHIBBOLETH!
ACTION FILM FEATURING GAP STAFF
SHIBBOLETH!
THE AUTHOR WANTS YOU TO LAUGH
IF YOU ARE FACING DEATH
AND HAVE NO HOPE LEFT
SEABOURNE WILL RESCUE
THOSE WITH OPTIONS BEREFT
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE IMPRESSED
’CAUSE HE’S SIMPLY THE BEST
I‘M ACTUALLY QUITE OBSESSED
THAT’S IT, I’VE CONFESSED
WE’RE SO LUCKY TO BE BLESSED
WITH SUCH A MAN OF INTEREST
BUT I HAVE DIGRESSED
BECAUSE EVEN HE CANNOT JEST
AT HIS MOST GRUESOME TEST
WILL HE DIE AT THE HANDS OF SHIBBOLETH?
SHIBBOLETH!
SHIBBOLETH!!!
SHIIIIB…
…BOOO…
…LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH!!!!!!!
Starring:
Carlos Bernard as Anis Seabourne
Eugene Levy as Matt McLeron
Cameron Diaz as Lauren Ordresveyoo
Alan Dale as David Thornevil
Milo Ventiglima as Oscar Mingetease
Blake Lively as Isis Connollyngus
Sandra Bullock as Atia Shahft
Chi McBride as Blake Leator
Mark Ruffalo as Khusty
Megan Fox as Shafa Cakes
Naveen Andrews as Hamza McCainsh
Halle Berry as Doreen Lopez
Richard Ayoade as Reverend Ramsey Hassan
Lily Allen as Marigold (or M)
Denzel Washington as Tobe (or T)
Jojo as Delicia
Michael Jackson as Farhad
Matt Dillon as Phil
Rachel Bilson as Joey
Chris Rock as Martin
Jessica Biel as Dominik
Dita Von Teese as Noa
Leighton Meester as Ana
Steve Buscemi as Pardeep (or Waste Man)
Frank Bruno as Loic (or Hench Man)
Holly Willoughby as Nicola
Bonnie Hunt as Margaret
Alexis Bledel as Emma
Morgan Freeman as Lawratu
Pam Ferris as Karen
Story by Matt McLeron and Lauren Austin Harvey
Screenplay by Matt McLeron
Script Supervisor Clemmie Taylor
SCENE SIX:
EXT. GA943 - DAY
WE ARE IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE, WHERE AN EXTRAORDINARILY MEDIOCRE RETAIL STORE IS SITUATED UNDERNEATH A TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT ORGANISATION WHICH IS HOLDING A BARBECUE WITH ITS ENTIRE STAFF ASSEMBLED.
MANY SUITED MEN AND WOMEN ARE MINGLING, HOLDING CHAMPAGNE IN WINE GLASSES. HOWEVER, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT ORGANISATION YOU WORK FOR, WHENEVER THERE’S A BARBECUE, YOU’RE GIVEN SHODDY PAPER PLATES TO EAT OFF WHICH TYPICALLY GET BLOWN AWAY ONTO OTHER PEOPLE’S GARDENS SLASH FACES.
THE CAMERA MOVES THROUGH MANY AGENTS, STOPPING ON ANIS WHO IS TALKING TO DELICIA.
DELICIA
M’s well angry you were late.
ANIS
Ah, what ya gonna do, my car fell off a cliff and exploded: I have some limits to my punctuality.
DELICIA
Well there’s always some excuse, they are getting tired of it.
ANIS
Right, whatever.
AGENT FARHAD COMES OVER TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION.
FARHAD
Look out, dude, M’s really spitting to kick your ass.
ANIS
So I’ve heard.
AGENT OSCAR JOINS THEM.
OSCAR
T’s annoyed with you.
ANIS
Ugh, what now?
OSCAR
You smashed up the Aston Martin, he’s gonna kill you.
FARHAD
M’s pissed at him too.
OSCAR
I know, I know, you know what it is? He’s too wasteful.
ANIS
Can we discuss my shortcomings later? I actually came to have a good time, not get picked apart and criticised.
OSCAR
I don’t think you’re going to have a good time today.
ANIS
Why’s that?
OSCAR
Look who just got here.
THEY POINT TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE. A WIRY MAN ENTERS WITH AN EYE-CATCHING WOMAN
ANIS
Oh, maaan, why’s Joey here?
FARHAD
She’s in accounting, all the beanspoons were invited.
AGENT NICOLA COMES OVER.
NICOLA
Don’t know if you just noticed, but…
ANIS
I noticed.
NICOLA
You don’t know what I was going to say yet!
ANIS
Did it happen to be that Joey just walked in?
PAUSE.
NICOLA
No, I was wondering if you had noticed…how Khus has been missing for 8 years.
PAUSE AS ANIS ABSORBS THIS.
ANIS
You are asking me if I had just noticed my ex partner died 8 years ago?
NICOLA
I wouldn’t say he’s dead, they never found his body.
ANIS
So your question is, did I just notice Khus hasn’t been seen for 8 years?
NICOLA
Uh huh.
ANIS
Unsubtly foreshadowing as your question was, the answer is no, I knew first hand having been the last person who saw him alive
AWKWARD PAUSE.
ANIS
Get outta here, Nicola.
NICOLA LEAVES AND ANIS TRIES TO ACT INCONSPICUOUS, SUSPICIOUSLY OVERDOING IT, AS HE IS A BLOODY SECRET AGENT, YOU’D THINK HE’D BE QUITE GOOD. ANYWAY HE FAILS AND IS ACCOSTED BY HIS EX GIRLFRIEND.
JOEY
Hello, Anis.
ANIS (OVERDOING TRYING TO APPEAR RELAXED)
Hey.
JOEY
This is Phil.
PHIL IS GRINNING.
PHIL
Alright?
ANIS
Alright…you alright?
PHIL
Feeling a little ‘shagged out’ I am, Joey’s a right bloody horse in bed, how did you keep up with her, she’s a fucking shag stallion, well I should say mare, really, every fucking animal on Old MacDonald’s farm in actual fact, ah god I bought us a jumbo bumper family pack of condoms - already been used up, it’s like ‘oo can I not be shagging you, Joey, for just one minute? I’ve gotta go to work, love’ fucking women eh? Still, you’re a secret agent, I bet you’re one of those knobs who wastes a guy and gives it some stupid one liner, I bet if you killed someone by dropping a pig or something on their head you’d say something like ‘oo that’s for telling porkies’ yeah I bet you’re one of them aren’t you, but I tell you this, I fucking hate people who make those kind of bad jokes, with puns, I just want to PUNch them, eh? EH? PUN…ch them…for PUNNING yeah they should get roasted alive and trampled by sheep, I’m mentioning animals a lot, I don’t know why, probably because Joey’s an animal in bed, eh, anyway, what was your question?
ANIS (TAKEN ABACK)
If you were alright.
PHIL
Me? Yeah I’m bloody marvellous, still, I do feel a little shagged out to be honest old Joey’s been giving it the old…
ANIS (TALKING OVER HIM)
You dumped me, for him? I thought you only liked Bengali boys?
JOEY
Well, once you go white, you realise you were wrong.
ANIS (NOT AT ALL AMUSED)
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
JOEY
Well, if you had committed yourself to being with me, things might have been different. You’re nothing to me now, it’s like those 8 years never happened.
ANIS
Yeah, 8 years, Joey, that’s like a marriage anyway…you can’t just…sweep that under the carpet.
PHIL
What carpet? Are we talking about her muffborough?
JOEY
Yeah 8 years, Anis, 8 years of the same old shit, another year goes by, all I got out of it was a new clock.
PHIL
A what?
JOEY
A clock, every year he’d buy a clock for our anniversary, to show that ‘we had all the time in the world’
ANIS
It’s from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, George Lazenby, when he marries Diana Rigg.
JOEY
Forget it, Anis. We were just very different people, and I have Phil now.
PHIL
Heh!
ANIS
Well, thanks for making this easy…
JOEY
Move on, Anis.
ANIS
I’m not saying I haven’t moved on, I just can’t believe you’d…
MOTIONS TOWARDS PHIL.
ANIS
Maybe I should transfer…to Wandsworth Branch
PHIL
Only losers whine about transferring, winners get to go home and fuck the prom queen.
ANIS
Joey WAS the prom queen.
PHIL
Well, what does that make me, mate?
WINKS AND STICKS TONGUE OUT. ANIS BLINKS AND SHAKES THAT OFF.
PHIL
So you got a new clock for your house every anniversary you two had? What happened to all of them?
JOEY
We split them up and both got four each.
PHIL
Four each, eh? Good FOR EACH…of you!
ANIS DOESN’T SO MUCH LAUGH AT THIS WHOLE HEARTEDLY CRAP PUN AS NOT LAUGH. JOEY HOWEVER GIGGLES AND SAYS
JOEY
You’re soooo funny!
MATT ENTERS AND PULLS ANIS AWAY SAYING
MATT
Love him or loathe him, you’d be mad not to loathe him.
ANIS REACTS IN BLESSED RELIEF TO SEE MATT.
ANIS
Matt! How’s early retirement treating you!
MATT
What an oddly expositionally clunky sentence.
ANIS
Expositionally isn’t a word.
TENSE PAUSE AS THEY BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER TRYING TO INTIMIDATE THE OTHER.
HOLD FOR FIVE SECONDS.
THEY BREAK INTO LAUGHTER.
MATT AND ANIS
Aaaaaaaaah!
MATT
So how are you?
ANIS
Fine, things are going pretty well.
THERE IS A SUDDEN SHOUT.
M
Agent Anis Seabourne! Just! Just what have you been up to? Destroying the Aston Martin? Disobeying a direct call in? I was going to give you an incredibly important case but you just had to fuck it up. Just wait til Monday, we are going to have a long talk in my office, shit for brains.
ANIS
Oh shit.
M
And T wants to have words as well.
ANIS
Look, just tell me what the missions about, I’ll do it fine.
M
Ha! Someone stole the Shibboleth device using a couple of green sticky bombs from Poland and to think I was going to put you on it…after the disregard you’ve shown?
ANIS
Jesus, M, I tell you I had no choice, an assassin put a grenade in my car.
M
So you drove it off a cliff?
ANIS
So no property got hurt!
M (SARKY)
Well that shut me up.
ANIS
I think I better mosey.
MATT
Yeah, lets.
M
Matt! I haven’t seen you since you aced the Clem Taylor mission and got yourself early retirement. How’ve you been doing?
MATT
Well, assassinating the female President of France was no easy job, I’ve just been dining, relaxing, and writing my memoirs.
M
Memoirs? You do realise anything revealed about us or any mission you were on will be considered treason and I’d have to behead you.
MATT
I’ll put it on the web and publish it under a fake name so you can’t pin anything on me.
M
Well good luck with that…such a nerd, putting stuff on the net.
MATT
Umm, I’m an ex secret agent, who has been set for life because he killed President Taylor and saved the free world, and STILL I get this image of being a nerd. I think it’s the glasses.
MATT TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND PUTS THEM ON TOP OF THE TABLE. HE PLACES THEM ON TOP OF A MAGAZINE.
MATT
See how different and awesome I look now?
ANIS STARES AT THE MAGAZINE COVER.
ANIS
Who’s that?
M AND MATT LOOK AT THE MAGAZINE. MATT PUTS GLASSES BACK ON.
M
That’s David Thornevil, another careless billionaire.
ANIS
Well, in this line of business, a careless billionaire is always a baddie.
MATT
Innit.
ANIS
Look, he’s got an eye-patch, has anyone decent ever worn an eye-patch ever? If they’ve got an eye-patch, they’re a definite baddie.
M
Riiiiiight.
MATT
And look, his name has the word ‘evil’ in it. Erm ever heard of Cruella De Vil? Evil was in her name, definite baddie.
M
He’s just an oil tycoon. We’ve been keeping tabs to make sure he’s on the books, Farhad and Oscar have been looking into it.
ANIS
Maybe you should delve deeper into him.
M
Oh I’m delving deep alright…into you. Don’t forget, Monday.
M LEAVES.
SCENE SEVEN:
EXT. GA943 - DAY
IT’S SOME TIME LATER.
PHIL
Yeah, well, the nineties were to the eighties what the seventies were to the sixties, soo…
PHIL IS NOW CUT OFF FROM THIS MADDENINGLY WANKERISH STATEMENT BECAUSE THE ASSEMBLED PARTY ARE TAPPING THEIR GLASSES AND SHOUTING ‘SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!’ M IS ALSO TAPPING HER GLASS AND SHOUTING FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE A SPEECH, BEFORE REALISING EVERYONE HAD WANTED HER TO MAKE ONE.
A STAGE HAS BEEN ERECTED AND M STANDS ON IT.
M
I’m not exactly sure what you wanted me to make a speech about, it’s another year gone by, another...
WE GO TO MATT AND ANIS WHISPERING DURING THE SPEECH.
MATT
So what gadgets has T hooked you up with?
ANIS
You’re going to love this, check this out.
ANIS TAKES OFF HIS SHOE AND SHOWS IT TO MATT.
ANIS
This shoe has an awesome feature, see a combination lock on the front of the heel? When its unlocked, it releases a grenade.
MATT
Whoar, that could be useful.
AGENT KASIA SHUSHES THEM.
ANIS
We better look like we’re paying attention to M’s speech…wait what’s that?
MATT
What?
ANIS
Why are there oil drums under the stage?
MATT
What the fuck??
ANIS
Oh shit…
MATT
Yep I see it too, the green glow…sticky bomb?
ANIS
There’s no time!
ANIS RUNS YELLING TO THE STAGE WITH ONLY ONE SHOE, BUT HE IS TOO LATE.
PHIL
See what I don’t get is that they imprison Muslim clerics for inciting racial violence, yet they give awards to Lord of the Rings. I mean Black Riders…what about Balrogs? Why don’t they just call them Gollywogs and have done with it? Tolkein stole all his ideas from African myth…
PHIL’S WANKERISH PONTIFICATION DURING M’S SPEECH IS INTERRUPTED BY THE BOMB GOING OFF AND M’S SUBSEQUENT IMMEDIATE DEPARTURE FROM LIFE. THE EXPLOSION IS TREMULOUS – LIKE, FELT IN JAPAN TWO HOURS LATER. EVERY AGENT IN THE FIRST ROW IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES. WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE STANDING ALIVE. ANIS IS ON FIRE. HE PUTS HIMSELF OUT AND RUNS UP TO THE STAGE. MATT IS UNSCATHED AND SHOUTS FOR ANIS.
TO THE SHOCK OF EVERYONE, A MILITARY POSSE CHARGE INTO THE BARBECUE OF FLAMING PEOPLE. HEH, IRONY. THEY BEGIN TO MACHINE GUN THE ASSEMBLED AGENTS. CHAOS AND SCREAMS ENSUE. LUCKILY, A YOUNG FEMALE AGENT VITORINO HAS A GRENADE, WHICH SHE THROWS AT THE POSSE. DUE TO THEIR MACHINE GUN FIRE THEY DO NOT NOTICE THE GRENADE LAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM. THEY KILL SEVERAL AGENTS BEFORE LUCKILY BEING BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS BY THE SINGLE GRENADE. THUS FOLLOWS A MAHOOSIVE EXPLOSION AS ALL OF THE GUN MEN HAD A STICKY BOMB ON THEM.
NOW ONLY TEN PEOPLE ARE LEFT STANDING ALIVE, INCLUDING MATT AND ANIS. MATT IS STUNNED, ANIS IS TRYING TO GET BACK ON HIS FEET. A BEARDED AGENT HAMZA IS TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THE SITUATION.
HAMZA
Doreen…
AGENT DOREEN LOOKS AT HIM IN SHOCK.
HAMZA
What was Anis shouting before the bomb blew up?
DOREEN
I don’t know, I…
HAMZA
He was running to the stage, and then all hell broke loose…there was a bomb under that stage…and…he knew.
DOREEN
We’re bringing him in.
THEY FIND SOME WEAPONS STREWN ON THE GROUND AND AIM THEIR GUNS AT ANIS.
ANIS IS STAGGERING OVER TO MATT.
ANIS
I was too late…I…
BANG! A SHOT GOES PAST HIS HEAD SO HE DROPS TO THE GROUND AND ROLLS.
MATT
We’re being shot at!!
HAMZA AND DOREEN CONTINUE FIRING AT THEM.
MATT
Shit, man we gotta get outta here, they think you did this!!
ANIS
Fuck!
THEY RUN CROUCHED OVER TO A RANDOM CAR. MATT BREAKS IN.
MATT
Get in!
ANIS
Hang on!
ANIS EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO CLAMBER INTO THE DRIVING SEAT AND START THE CAR.
HAMZA
Fuck, he’s getting away!
DOREEN REACTS FRANTICALLY.
HAMZA
Quick, the car!
THEY SPRINT OVER TO ANOTHER CAR AND START THE ENGINE.
SCENE EIGHT:
EXT. KNIGHTSBRIDGE STREETS - DAY
WE’RE BACK IN ANIS’ CAR. ANIS IS DRIVING FAST AND MATT HAS THE ONLY WEAPON BETWEEN THEM. THEY ZOOM UP BROMPTON ROAD.
MATT
Break right!
ANIS SWERVES RIGHT BEFORE HARROD’S WITH DEFT EXPERT PRECISION.
MATT
That’s it, down the back roads of Harrods, we should lose them.
ANIS
Aw, shit! They’re behind us!
MATT
Ah, bollocks! Go straight onto Sloane Street.
ANIS DOES. HE WEAVES THROUGH THE SLOW MOVING CARS, BUT DOES NOT LOSE HAMZA AND DOREEN.
IN THEIR CAR:
DOREEN
Don’t lose them, Hamza,
HAMZA
Use your gun, dammit, woman!
DOREEN
Ah, alright, ok!
DOREEN POPS HER HEAD AND ARM OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND STARTS SHOOTING.
MATT RETURNS THE FIRE, BUT DOES NOT WISH TO HARM THEM. ANIS GETS TO SLOANE SQUARE.
MATT
Left! Left! Left!
ANIS STEERS LEFT, BUT SWERVES SO HARD HE GOES INTO A 360 SLIDE.
ANIS
Shit-shit-shit-shit!
MATT
SH-SH-SH-SH-SH!
ANIS
Shou-shou-shou-shou-
MATT
Shhhhhhhh
ANIS
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
MATT
Turn left, fuck’s sake!
ANIS MANAGES TO MANOEUVRE THE CAR DOWN THE ROAD WHICH MATT POINTED OUT. MATT FIRES OFF A FEW SHOTS TO DAMAGE HAMZA’S FOLLOWING CAR. DOREEN LETS OFF A SHOT WHICH SMASHES THE PASSENGER MIRROR.
MATT
Whooooar!
SUDDENLY MATT’S HEAD CLUNKS ONTO THE CEILING OF THE CAR.
MATT
Fucking speed bumps!
ANIS
Sit tight, these go on for ages!
MATT
Fuck’s sake!
THEY BOTH BOUNCE UP AND DOWN REPEATEDLY HITTING THEIR HEADS ON THE CEILING. THEY BOTH WINCE IN UNISON.
MATT
Wait, I got an idea!
ANIS
What do you mean, ‘wait’? Wait for what? I’m not stopping this car, if that’s what you’re asking.
MATT UNDOES HIS SEATBELT AND FEARLESSLY HURLS HALF HIS BODY OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW.
ANIS
What are you doing, you crazy bastard?
MATT
Just keep going straight!
DOREEN TRIES TO KILL MATT BUT AS HAMZA IS DRIVING DOWN THIS SPEEDBUMPED ROAD ALL HER SHOTS GO WIDE BECAUSE THEY TOO ARE ALSO BOUNCING UP AND DOWN.
MATT STRETCHES OUT HIS ARMS. FOR SOME REASON THERE IS A WOODEN CART HOLDING THOUSANDS OF FRUIT. AS MATT IS DRIVEN PAST IT, HE TAKES OUT A VITAL SUPPORT OF THE FRUIT CART CAUSING THE ENTIRE STALL TO FALL BACKWARDS INTO THE ROAD SENDING THOUSANDS OF APPLES, ORANGES, LYCHEES, PINEAPPLES, WATERMELONS, AND MANY OTHER FRUITS INTO THE AIR, SO THEY LAND ON HAMZA’S CAR.
MATT THROWS UP HIS FIST IN TRIUMPH.
MATT
Eat fruit! LITERALLY! Contribute to your 5 a day
ANIS
You know, perhaps we should stop trying to make a killer gag each time we do something successful, oh wait hang on look at that, they’re still chasing us.
I WOULD HARDLY CONSIDER THAT A KILLER GAG.
THE COLLAPSING FRUIT CART HAS DONE NOTHING TO SLOW DOWN HAMZA’S CAR AND THEY ARE STILL FOLLOWING THEM.
MATT
Whaaaaat?
ANIS
THAT was your idea? Stopping them with fruit? They’re in a car, you moron!
AMIDST THE SPLATTERED FRUIT STANDS THE MUSTASCHIOED ARAB CART OWNER, WHO LOOKS LIKE BORAT. HE SHAKES HIS FIST ANGRILY AFTER THE CARS, SCOWLING AND CURSING.
IN HAMZA’S CAR, THE WINDSCREEN IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE THROUGH, SO NOW BOTH OF THEM HAVE TO STICK THEIR HEADS OUT OF THE MOVING CAR.
HAMZA
Shoot ’em!
IN ANIS’ CAR
MATT
Do a right here,
ANIS
Where we going?
THE CAR SCREECHES ONTO A MAIN ROAD
MATT
Go down the stairs!
ANIS
That’s the tube station!
MATT
DO IT!
ANIS
You crazy little…AAAAH!
ANIS STEERS LEFT SO HE POPS DOWN INTO THE UNDERGROUND.
HAMZA’S CAR POPS OUT OF THE STREET AND STOPS.
HAMZA, WITH HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW, LOOKS ROUND FRANTICALLY FOR ANIS’ CAR.
SEVERAL PEOPLE SCREAM COMING OUT OF THE UNDERGROUND. HAMZA IS CONFUSED.
ANIS’S CAR IS IN THE TUBE STATION. ANIS IS POUNDING ON HIS HORN, AND DOING 50MPH. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND DIVE TO AVOID THE CAR.
BACK TO HAMZA LOOKING CONFUSED AT THE SCREAMING PEOPLE COMING FROM THE UNDERGROUND STATION. A LOOK OF REALISATION COMES ON HIS FACE.
HAMZA
Oh no they didn’t…
BACK IN VICTORIA TUBE STATION. CAR IS SPEEDING WILDLY, WEAVING FRANTICALLY THROUGH THE CROWD.
MATT
Alright now up these stairs
BACK TO HAMZA.
HAMZA
Doreen, they’ve driven into the underground, we have to…
DOREEN
Oh my god, look behind you!
HAMZA TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE PUSHING AND RUNNING OUT OF THE TUBE STATION ENTRANCE NEAREST TO VICTORIA TRAIN STATION. SUDDENLY TO EVERYONE’S DISBELIEF ANIS’ CAR FLIES UP INTO THE AIR FROM THE STATION, THE STAIRS LEADING OUT HAVING BEEN USED AS A RAMP. WE GET A SHOT OF A MAN IN SOME STUPID BUNNY COSTUME HANDING OUT FLYERS IN FRONT OF THE STATION JUST TAKE THIS IN AS THE CAR FLIES OVER HIS HEAD. HE DROPS HIS STACK OF FLYERS. THE CAR SAILS MAGNIFICENTLY THROUGH THE AIR IN SLOW MOTION AND CRASHES INTO THE ARCHITECTURE OF THE STATION. WE GET A REACTION SHOT OF TRAVELLERS INSIDE VICTORIA STATION OBSERVING THE CAR BURST THROUGH THE WALL FIFTEEN FEET ABOVE THEM. THE CAR IS SUSPENDED IN THE WALL, HALF ON THE INSIDE, HALF ON THE OUTSIDE.
SCENE NINE:
INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY
INSIDE THE CAR.
MATT
Alright, what should we do now?
ANIS
We need to get the fuck out of here!
MATT
Feel like taking the train?
ANIS SMILES.
ANIS
Now that’s more like it, Mr McLeron
MATT
It’s a pleasure to be back, Mr Seabourne
MATT LOOKS OUT OF THE BACK WINDOW.
MATT
Dude, Hamza and Doreen are still after us.
THEY ARE.
ANIS
You’re plan to lose them went a bit sideways.
MATT
Enh, what we gonna do about them?
ANIS
Let’s split up, we need to be on…
SCANS TRAIN TIMES ON BIG BOARD IN CENTRE OF THE STATION
MATT
Platform sixteen, it’s going to Croydon, I know a place where we can lay low.
ANIS
Right, sixteen it is, then.
MATT
You got a gun?
ANIS
Nope.
MATT
Here, have this.
ANIS CHECKS OUT MATT’S GUN.
ANIS
No bullets left…
MATT
I know, let’s hope you won’t have to fire it.
ANIS
Alright, let’s mosey.
MATT
Yes, let’s get a wriggle on.
THEY BOTH GET OUT OF THE CAR AND JUMP DOWN TO THE GROUND, THEIR MOVEMENTS FOLLOWED BY THE EYES OF HUNDREDS OF PUZZLED COMMUTERS.
MATT
Good luck, Anis!
SUDDENLY
HAMZA
FREEEEZE!
HAMZA AND DOREEN ARE STANDING BEHIND THEM, ABOUT TEN METRES AWAY, GUNS POINTING TOWARDS THE DUO.
MATT AND ANIS TURN AND LOOK AT THEM. THEN THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEN THEY BOTH RUN IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.
HAMZA
Fucking…Ugh!
HE SHOOTS AFTER THEM.
HAMZA (TO DOREEN)
You take Matt, I’ll get Anis.
MATT HAS GONE EAST TOWARDS WHSMITHS. DOREEN CHASES AFTER HIM AND FIRES. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND IN BLIND PANIC EITHER GET IN BOTH OF THEIR WAYS OR DROP TO THE GROUND. MATT IS FORCED TO TAKE THE ESCALATOR UP. HE CROUCHES DOWN SO HE CAN’T BE VISIBLE OVER THE BANNISTERS. AS HE GETS TO THE TOP OF THE ESCALATOR, DOREEN REACHES THE ESCALATOR AND SHOOTS UP AT HIM.
MATT
Ah fuck!
HE CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED, AND PASSES A TRAMP BEGGING. MATT HAS AN IDEA AND REACHES INTO HIS POCKET FOR SOME CHANGE. HE THROWS DOWN CASH ON THE FLOOR AND CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED. THE TRAMP MOANS AND CRAWLS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES TO GET THE CHANGE. DOREEN RUNS ENERGETICALLY OFF THE ESCALATOR AND IMMEDIATELY TRIPS OVER THE CRAWLING TRAMP AND LANDS SOME METRES AWAY ON HER FACE, GUN SCATERRING, AMMO SPILLING. WE GET A SHOT OF MATT’S FACE AS HE’S RUNNING AND HIS GRIN AS HE HEARS DOREEN’S YELP BEHIND HIM. HE KEEPS RUNNING, NOT LOOKING BACK, AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND TO AVOID A STALL IN HIS PATH. HIS MOMENTUM CARRIES HIM SLIDING ON HIS BACK UNDER THE STALL AND AS SOON AS HE PASSES UNDER IT, HE LEAPS BACK UP AND JUMPS HEADLONG THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW AND LANDS IN A FORWARD ROLL ON THE FLOOR BELOW ON PLATFORM SIXTEEN, CHEST HEAVING, AND PICKING THE GLASS FROM HIS HANDS.
MATT
Alright, Anis, where are you, dude?
SCENE TEN:
INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY
ANIS IS RUNNING AWAY FROM HAMZA. ANIS IS RUNNING TO THE WEST SIDE OF THE STATION WHERE THEY HAVE A SUPERDRUG AND STARBUCKS.
ANIS
Shit!
HAMZA IS SHOOTING AT ANIS.
COMMUTERS SCREAM.
ANIS RUNS INTO SUPERDRUG AND WITH A WINK STEALS SHAMPOO OUT OF THE HANDS OF AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE EMPLOYEE CALLED BIANCA THEN RUNS OUT GRABBING A LIGHTER AND DEODORANT.
WE CUT BACK TO BIANCA, SWOONING OVER ANIS’ HANDSOME ABILITY TO CHANNEL 007.
THE MANAGER SHOUTS AFTER HIM BUT ANIS IS OUTTA THERE. HAMZA RUNS INTO THE STORE HURRIEDLY, GUN DRAWN. THE MANAGER SOBS PATHETICALLY.
ANIS IS OUTSIDE SQUEEZING OUT THE ENTIRE SHAMPOO BOTTLE. HAMZA SPEEDS OUT OF THE STORE AND LOSES HIS BALANCE ON THE SHAMPOO. HIS LEGS KICK OUT WILDLY AND HE FLAILS HIS ARMS TO KEEP BALANCE. ANIS LOBS THE EMPTY SHAMPOO BOTTLE AT HAMZA’S HEAD SO HE LOSES HIS BALANCE. HAMZA FALLS OVER. ANIS RUNS AWAY, BUT HAMZA IS GETTING UP AFTER HIM. HAMZA CATCHES UP WITH ANIS AND THROWS HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW OF STARBUCKS.
ANIS
ARGH! Dude, I’ve only got one shoe on: there’s glass! I could cut my feet, you over-zealous twat!
ANIS GETS UP AND THROWS SYRUP BOTTLES AT HAMZA WHILE COFFEE DRINKERS WATCH AMUSED. MANAGEMENT ISN’T SO HAPPY AND CALLS THE POLICE. HAMZA GETS CLOSE ENOUGH TO ANIS TO PUNCH HIM IN THE CHEST. ANIS GOES DOWN BUT SCRABBLES UNDER A TABLE. HAMZA MAKES HIS WAY TO THE TABLE. ANIS IS CROUCHED UNDER AND LIFTS THE TABLE INTO HAMZA’S FACE KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND, TRAPPING HIM UNDER THE TABLE. HAMZA SNARLS ANGRILY AND TRIES TO EXTRICATE HIMSELF, AND EVENTUALLY ANIS IS FORCED OVER AND HAMZA FREES HIMSELF. ANIS TRIES GOING FOR HAMZA’S GUN ON THE GROUND, BUT IS BATTED IN THE FACE BY A FORCEFULLY SWUNG STOOL. ANIS FALLS TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING HIS FACE, AND HAMZA TRAPS ANIS UNDER THE STOOL.
ANIS
Ah, ow, man!
HAMZA
You fucking nutcase! I’m bringing you in, for conspiracy to destroy GA943!
ANIS
It wasn’t me! I’ve been set up! I was trying to stop the bomb from going off!
HAMZA
And the armed men who shot everyone apart from you? Just lucky were you? We’re all dead, Nicola, Joey, Farhad, M, Delicia, they are all dead!
ANIS
Farhad and Oscar were investigating into David Thornevil, he’s into oil, the same oil used with the sticky bombs used to blow up the barbecue, the same sticky bombs, I might add, that were used to steal the Shibboleth device, the same sticky bombs that all the armed gunmen were carrying, it’s plain to see, this is all connected! I’ve been set up!
HAMZA
You’re coming back with us. Division are sending some people along to clean up this mess, it’s on dispatch.
ANIS
Who?
HAMZA
DICs Karen and Lawratu will be taking control over GA943 at least until this gets sorted out.
ANIS
I’m not coming back, especially if Karen and Lawratu are in charge. I need to clear my name. I’m on the team, I know as soon as I come with you, I’ll wake up in a cell, you need to let me go.
HAMZA
You need to come with us!
ANIS
Then I have no choice!
ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES.
HAMZA
Ow man, that burns! How was THAT even gonna work? That’s bloody deodorant, not pepper spray…ah!
HAMZA USES ONE HAND TO COVER ONE OF HIS STINGING EYES.
ANIS
Sorry, lighter didn’t go off.
ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES, BUT NOW THE LIGHTER GOES OFF AND HE SUCCESSFULLY FLAMBEES HAMZA’S FACE. HAMZA FALLS BACK AND CLUTCHES HIS GLOWING FACE.
ANIS
You thought it burned before? Heheh.
COFFEE DRINKER NAMED DANIEL
Erm…you just scarred a man for life…and you’re making bad jokes? Isn’t that sort of inappropriately glib?
ANIS
What if I had made a good joke?
DANIEL LOOKS THOUGHTFUL.
DANIEL
That could work
ANIS TAKES HAMZA’S GUN AND HURRIES TO THE TRAIN PLATFORMS. DOREEN SPOTS HIM FROM THE FLOOR ABOVE AND FIRES AT HIM.
ANIS JUMPS FROM THE SHOT AND RUNS FASTER, SWEARING.
HE SPIES MATT WAITING AT PLATFORM SIXTEEN. THE TRAIN IS ABOUT TO GO. MATT IS HOLDING THE DOOR DELAYING EVERYONE. SOME TRANSPORT FOR LONDON OFFICIALS ARE MAKING THEIR WAY TOWARDS HIM. ANIS SPEEDS UP TO THE TRAIN DOORS AND HOPS ON. MATT LETS GO OF THE DOORS AND THE TRAIN LEAVES BEFORE THE TRANSPORT OFFICIALS CAN STOP THEM. ON THE PLATFORM DOREEN LOOKS FRANTICALLY FOR THEM, NOT KNOWING WHERE THEY HAVE GONE. SHE GIVES UP AND CALLS IT IN.
SCENE ELEVEN:
INT. MATT’S CROYDON HIDEOUT. – NIGHT
DÉCOR IS MINIMAL TO REDUCE SHOOTING COSTS.
MATT AND ANIS ARE BOTH ON SEPARATE LAPTOPS SEARCHING THE INTERNET TO RESEARCH DAVID THORNEVIL.
MATT
Ah, the internet: the most overused Deus Ex Machina when it comes to plot progression from lazy screenwriting.
ANIS
Stop talking like that. It’s as bad as when characters in a movie say some shit like ‘Oh, it’s like we’ll be in a movie’
MATT
So no luck finding any dirt on David?
ANIS
You know what we need?
MATT
If you’re worried that we don’t have enough firepower, I’ve got a Walther P99 and a shotgun behind the fridge.
ANIS
Well that’s good, but no, I was first thinking that I need a shoe.
MATT LOOKS AT ANIS’ BARE FOOT AND LAUGHS.
MATT
Why did you leave it at the barbecue?
ANIS
The bomb, innit.
MATT
Alright, fine, but yeah what do we need now?
ANIS
I need to talk to T.
MATT
Do you think he’ll trust you?
ANIS
He has to, he must know who the bombs belong to, or at least he’ll know they have got nothing to do with me.
MATT
Well, why wouldn’t he say something? I know him, he’d speak out on something like this.
ANIS
Mate, things changed when you left.
MATT
How?
ANIS
It’s that Karen and Lawratu, they run it like Captain Bligh, they are Division squarejaws. They temporarily ran things when M was having her tooth unsnaggled. They’re a couple of powerhouses. Lawratu’s tough…and ruthless, Karen’s rough…and toothless.
MATT
Well re: T situation, you’re going out on a limb here, man, how are we going to contact him?
ANIS
I’ll think of something…let’s get something to eat.
MATT
What ya thinkin’, Maccy Ds?
ANIS
How about a bit o’ key-bab?
MATT
Sure, gimme a sec to get my jacket.
ANIS TURNS ON THE TV AND FLICKS THROUGH THE ADVERTS
TV
*bzzz* Making life taste better *bzzz* are you a homeowner *bzzz* waiting to die? Then call *bzzz* to me, Reverend Ramsey Hassan on 0980 24 *bzzz* rapid chat, a new way of servicing your needs *bzzz* daily express delivery! *bzzz* my name is judge *bzzz*
ANIS
Just adverts…
ANIS TURNS OFF TV AND PREPARES TO LEAVE. HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES HIS FEET.
ANIS
Matt!
MATT
What?
ANIS
Don’t worry about leaving, I only got one shoe.
MATT
Oh yeah, shame. Have to get a delivery
SCENE TWELVE:
INT. GA943 - NIGHT
AN IMPORTANT MEETING IS BEING HELD. KAREN AND LAWRATU, TWO IMPOSING WOMEN ARE HEADING UP THE TASK FORCE AND HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED BY DIVISION TO TAKE CONTROL OF EVERYBODY. THE REMAINING AGENTS OF GA943 LISTEN ATTENTIVELY.
KAREN
From now on, no one even blinks without my permission.
AGENT EMMA
Permission to blink, DCI Karen!
KAREN
Permission…denied.
LAWRATU
I want to know everything we can about Anis Seabourne.
KAREN
I want a list of all phone calls he’s made in the last twelve years.
LAWRATU
Cross check that with the phone calls of every known terrorist.
KAREN
I want bank accounts frozen.
LAWRATU
I want passports stopped.
KAREN
Thanks to information gathered from Hamza, we know that the story Anis’ll be pushing is that he’s been set up.
WE SEE HAMZA FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HIS RUN IN WITH THE LYNX CAN. HIS FACE IS COMPLETELY BURNT, EXCEPT AN UNSCATHED BIT IN THE MIDDLE IN A PERFECT OUTLINE OF HAMZA’S HAND.
LAWRATU
And by the way, sorry Hamza, you can’t go home, yes I know your face has been burnt off, but, as you can see, we’re a little understaffed.
HAMZA INSTINCTIVELY RUBS HIS HAND, WHICH IS JUST AS BURNT AS THE BURNS ON HIS FACE. IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS EVEN TO THOSE WHO CAN’T FOLLOW A LINEAR PLOT NARRATIVE THAT HAMZA COVERED HIS FACE WITH HIS HAND BEFORE GETTING SET ON FIRE, HENCE COOKED HAND AND BIZARRE LOOKING HANDPRINT OF CLARITY ON HIS FACE.
KAREN
No one leaves.
LAWRATU
Or thinks about leaving.
KAREN
Until we have Anis and his accomplice in a cell.
LAWRATU
Now we are going to be bringing in some of our own people, if you could place the passcodes to all files on our desks to allow our people to assess the situation as fast and as obliging as possible
READ OFF AGENT OSCAR’S UNEASY LOOK.
SCENE THIRTEEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT
SOME TIME LATER.
MATT
Mate, I’ve got it!
ANIS
Go on.
MATT
We use Wikipedia.
ANIS
How? What for?
MATT
To communicate with T! Trust me it’s quite a leap, but we’re losing nothing by trying, come on now.
ANIS
Knock yourself out.
MATT
Right, here’s what we do, we go to wiki, under GA943, go to the T page and leave him a message.
ANIS
Alright, fingers crossed.
MATT (TYPING AND READING)
‘T, we need to meet you, Seabourne’
ANIS
Good, but it’s a little obvious, how about we encode it. How many letters is that message?
MATT
25, perfect for a Caesar square code.
ANIS
Do it.
MATT ENCODES THE MESSAGE. THIS MEANS MAKING A 5 X 5 SQUARE WITH THE 25 LETTERS MAKING A SQUARE SO THE MESSAGE READS VERTICALLY. IT LOOKS LIKE:
T E E U O
W D E S U
E T T E R
N O Y A N
E M O B E
THEN MATT PLACES THE HORIZONTALLY READ MESSAGE ‘TEEUOWDESUETTERNOYANEMOBE’ ON THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE.
MATT
Done!
ANIS
Check my page, maybe someone’s had the same idea.
MATT
Checking…there’s nothing except…you went out with Joey for 8 years?
ANIS
THAT’S on there?
MATT
Yep…and you still wet the bed??
ANIS
Whaaaaat? That’s not on there, you’re lying.
ANIS HURRIES TO THE COMPUTER AND IS PROVED RIGHT.
ANIS
Yerafool!
MATT
Hey, I can easily edit this so it says you do.
ANIS
Wait, what’s that?
MATT
Where?
ANIS
‘Anis, I know who’s responsible for the attack, meet me Monday morning at Waterloo, Oscar’
MATT
Oscar?
ANIS
How did you miss that?
MATT
Oscar didn’t die in the explosion with everybody else?
ANIS
It would appear so.
MATT
What information could he have?
ANIS
He and Farhad were investigating David Thornevil, now Farhad is dead along with most of our agents, and I’ve been framed. I should go see him, I think he could be a help.
MATT
Oh my god, look, T’s already replied!
THE MESSAGE READS ‘AEWNIONTESNNIMSTEDSETEAAMAMRMYETINMT’
MATT
Right, 36 letters, makes a 6 by 6 square, just a few seconds…
HE MAKES THIS SQUARE
A E W N I O
N T E S N N
I M S T E D
S E T E A A
M A M R M Y
E T I N M T
HE WRITES THE VERTICAL MESSAGE OUT IN FULL. IT SAYS:
‘ANISMEETMEATWESTMINSTERNINEAMMONDAYT’
MATT
Anis, meet me at Westminster, nine a.m. Monday, T
ANIS
Excellent…I just hope he brings a shoe for my damn foot.
MATT
Shit, it’s all happening, innit?? Right I’ve had enough for one day, mate, I’m gonna sleep.
THEY SPUD GOOD NIGHT.
SCENE FOURTEEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT
ANIS CAN’T SLEEP. HE GOES INTO THE HALLWAY
ANIS
Why me…why me? I need a good…I need a good…other shoe.
ANIS STEALS MATT’S SLIPPERS AND GOES DOWNSTAIRS TO A BAR. A VAMPY AND IMPOSING YET ATTRACTIVE BLONDE GIRL SITS CONFIDENTLY NEXT TO HIM
GIRL
Buy me a drink?
ANIS
Not in the mood.
GIRL
You know, you look familiar.
ANIS MAKES A SLIGHT MOVEMENT TO TURN AWAY FROM HER, REJECTING HER.
GIRL
Your name’s Anis, right?
ANIS’ EYES GO ROUND. A LOUD NOTE PLAYS.
ANIS
Who are you?
GIRL
I’m Lauren.
STING OF MUSIC, FADE TO BLACK.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
OPEN UP FROM BLACK.
INT. A MODERN METALLIC OFFICE - NIGHT
THE CAMERA MOVES ONTO A BLACK GLOVE. THE FINGERS OF THE GLOVE EXTEND MENACINGLY TO A KEYBOARD AND FLICK SOME KEYS. DAVID THORNEVIL FLICKS UP ON THE MONITOR.
DAVID
The mole has been planted, sir.
MYSTERIOUS GLOVED PRESUMABLY MAN BECAUSE DAVID REFERRED TO HIM AS SIR
Gooood. Mooha…hmooha…Moohahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
END OF ACT ONE.
COME BACK HERE WEDNESDAY THE 3RD OF SEPTEMBER FOR THE SECOND PART OF THIS THREE PART ACTION FILM. WILL ANIS PREVAIL? WILL HE SEND THE BAD GUYS TO JAIL? OR WILL HE FAIL? HOPEFULLY I’LL LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.
I just made a little joke because I’m about to ‘abscond’.
READS FROM HER BLANK LOOK.
ANIS
Abscond means leave.
NOA
I know what abscond means, you idiot, how are you making jokes after what you’ve just done?
ANIS
Waaaa, weeeell just thought it’d lighten the situation, y’know, it is kinda harsh how I’m leaving you, we just had sex, but point t’is, I gotta go to work, they are waiting for me, and, yes I know how it looks, but I’m afraid I have to go
NOA
Excuse me, do you have any idea who I am?
ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO FEAR.
ANIS
Oh god, not another call girl, look, just because I’m a high ranking government official, trust me, the –
NOA
How dare you think I’m a call girl, just because you are ‘high wanking’
ANIS
Ah shit, sorry, I-
NOA
QUIET!
ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO MILD ALARM AS NOA PRODUCES A GUN.
NOA
Not so talkative now, uh?
ANIS
Look, love, you think you’re the first girl to pull a gun on me?
NOA
You not interested why I’ve pulled a gun on you?
ANIS
Well if you wanted to tell me, I’m sure you’re about to.
NOA
You have no idea the world of shit you are in, right now, Sea-
ANIS MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT. HE STAMPS ON THE FLOORBOARD THEY ARE STANDING ON SO SHE IS JERKED UPWARDS. AT THE SAME TIME SHE FIRES THE GUN AT HIM, BUT HER AIM IS THROWN OFF TARGET BY THE MOVEMENT OF THE FLOORBOARD. THE BULLET MISSES ANIS AND SMASHES A MIRROR. BEFORE SHE HAS TIME TO EVEN REALISE WHAT HAS HAPPENED, ANIS IS WRESTLING THE GUN FROM HER. THEY BOTH HOLD ON TIGHT, AND IN THE STRUGGLE ANIS ENDS UP THROWING HER ONTO THE BED, CAUSING THEM TO BOTH LOSE THEIR GRIP ON THE GUN WHICH IS THROWN UPWARDS. THE BED LIFTS UP INTO THE WALL, CONVENIENTLY (COS IT’S ONE OF THOSE RANDOM WALL BEDS YOU ONLY SEE IN FILMS LIKE ROGER RABBIT AND THAT) AND NOA SCREAMS AS THE BED SPRINGS UP TO TRAP HER INSIDE THE WALL. ANIS WAS THROWN OFF BALANCE FROM THROWING HER ON THE BED AND HAS STAGGERED OVER AND SPINS ON HIS KNEE, CATCHING THE TOSSED GUN IN THE AIR AND FIRES THREE BULLETS INTO THE BED WALL THINGY CATHARTICALLY. ALL THIS TOOK UNDER TEN SECONDS.
ANIS
Once, twice, three times a lady…with a dry cool wit like that I could be an action hero.
ANIS CAUSUALLY BRUSHES SOME DIRT OFF HIS KNEE, TAKES APART THE GUN, POCKETS HIS PHONE AND LEAVES WITH HIS BRIEFCASE.
SCENE FIVE:
EXT. SWEDISH LOG CABIN - DAY
TRACK ANIS TO HIS BEAUTIFUL GREY ASTON MARTIN. HE OPENS THE DRIVER’S SIDE AND CHUCKS HIS BRIEFCASE HAPHAZARDLY ONTO THE PASSENGER SEAT. HE STARTS HIS CAR AND DRIVES OFF. CUE SEABOURNE THEME. AS HE’S DRIVING, HE SPOTS A RAPIDLY APPROACHING MOTORBIKE. HE FROWNS. IT GAINS ON HIM AND EVENTUALLY THE VEHICLES ARE SIDE BY SIDE. THE MOTORBIKE DRIVER’S HAIR BILLOWS OUT IN THE WIND. THE BIKER REMOVES THEIR HELMET. IT’S NOA.
ANIS
For crying out loud, I’m running late, let me go woman.
AS HIS WINDOWS ARE CLOSED AND THEY ARE DRIVING AT HIGH SPEED HE NEED NOT HAVE SAID THAT BECAUSE NOA WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HEAR HIM. ESPECIALLY NOT OVER THE LOUD DRAMATIC BRASS MUSIC THAT’S PLAYING ON THE SOUNDTRACK RIGHT NOW. NOA WAS UNABLE TO FIX THE GUN ANIS TOOK APART AT THE LOG CABIN, SO SHE RESORTS TO USING A FLAMETHROWER. SHE ENGULFS THE CAR IN FLAMES
ANIS
What the f…
ANIS BRAKES, THEN REVERSES. NOA HAS TO TURN THE BIKE AROUND. SHE WATCHES BEMUSED AS HE REVERSES 100 METRES AND STOPS. SHE REVS THE BIKE. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON HIS BACK WHEEL AS IT SUDDENLY SPINS. A FEW SECONDS LATER THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD AND KEEPS GOING. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON NOA’ BIKE’S BACK WHEEL. SHE ACCELERATES FORWARD. THEY ARE BOTH HEADING FOR EACH OTHER.
ANIS
Come on, come on hit me!
WE HAVE AN OVERHEAD AS THEY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER. NOA TRIES TO BAIL FROM THE BIKE, BUT MISJUDGES HER TIMING AND SHE LANDS ON ANIS’ FLAMING CAR. SHE SCREAMS IN PAIN FROM THE BLAZING HEAT AND ANGRILY TRIES TO BATTER HER WAY INTO THE CAR. ANIS SWERVES AND THEN PULLS DOWN THE HAND BRAKE CAUSING NOA TO BE THROWN FULLY OFF THE CAR AND INTO A TREE, THE IMPACT OF WHICH KILLS HER.
ANIS
“‘Once, twice, TREE times a lady’ Anis quipped.” Gosh I wish someone could have heard that…when else could anyone have possibly made a pun like that work, she was a lady, got killed by a tree, took me two tries to kill her...maybe I should have made a joke along the lines that her bark was worse than her bite…because trees have bark…well heheh, I don’t ARBOR any grudge against her, I was TREESED to meet her and now I have to LEAF…wait, who am I talking to?
ANIS FROWNS AS HE SEES NOA GET UP.
ANIS
What the hell, you’re unarmed, why didn’t you just act dead, I was about to leave.
AS SHE FLEW A LONG DISTANCE AND ANIS’ CAR HAS A LOT OF DEFENSES, NOA CAN’T HEAR WHAT ANIS IS SAYING. NOA TAKES OFF HER MOTORCYCLE JACKET AND STAGGERS OVER TO ANIS’ CAR, WHERE THE FLAMES HAVE MOSTLY DIED DOWN. ANIS WATCHES HER APPROACH CURIOUSLY. NOA GETS OVER TO THE CAR AND MOTIONS FOR ANIS TO ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW. ANIS GRUDGINGLY DOES SO. HE IMMEDIATELY REGRETS THIS AS NOA THROWS A GRENADE INSIDE.
ANIS
Ah shit, what the hell!
ANIS ACTS FAST. HE STARTS THE CAR, WHICH MAKES NOA LAUGH. HE SPEEDS OFF, BUT FLICKS A SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD. WE SEE SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE SHOOT OUT OF THE CAR’S SIDE. HE GRABS THE BRIEFCASE AND OPENS THE CAR DOOR SLIGHTLY. HE FLICKS ANOTHER SMALL SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD CAUSING THE CAR TO CONTINUE DRIVING FORWARD. HE DIVES OUT OF THE CAR DIRTYING HIS JACKET. WE CUT TO NOA WHO NOTICES SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE ATTACHED TO HER FLIES. AFTER SHE FOLLOWS THE PATH OF THE WIRE WITH HER EYES, IT DAWNS ON HER THAT IT IS THE GRAPPLING HOOK FROM A WIRE PITON SHOT FROM THE ASTON MARTIN. SHE SQUEALS AS THE CAR DRAGS HER ALONG THE GRAVEL INTO THE WOODED AREA WHERE ANIS JUMPED OUT, ONLY TO FIND HERSELF GETTING PULLED OFF A CLIFF. SHE SEES THE CAR FALLING TO THE BOTTOM AS SHE SAILS HORRIFIED INTO THE ABYSS. THE CAR EXPLODES JUST BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND, THE GRENADE FINALLY HAVING GONE OFF. SHE FALLS SCREAMING INTO THE FIREBALL AND HOPEFULLY DIES.
ANIS GETS TO THE CLIFF EDGE AND THINKS A GOOD LINE WOULD BE
ANIS
Third time’s a charm…oh, no wait, even better: third time’s a HARM…Ah that was just awesome.
IT DAWNS ON HIM THAT HE HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE, AND HE’S ALREADY RUNNING LATE.
CUT TO ANIS MISERABLY FEELING OVERDRESSED AS HE HITCHES A LIFT WITH A BUNCH OF IMMIGRANTS IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK WITH RANDOM CHICKENS CLUCKING, LOOKING FAIRLY RIDICULOUS IN HIS TUXEDO WITH THE ALL THE RAGGED PEOPLE.
WE NOW GO TO AN ELABORATE OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE WHERE SILHOUETTES CANOODLE TO A POWER BALLAD WITH SLIGHTLY OUT OF PLACE TRUMPETS WHICH GOES:
SHIBBOLETH!
THE TITLE’S REALLY VAGUE
SHIBBOLETH!
DOESN’T STAR DANIEL CRAIG
THE WORLD IS JUST LEARNING
AND ONLY HE CAN SAVE IT
FROM ITS EARLY BURNING
BY THE MOST EVIL DAVID
SHIBBOLETH!
ACTION FILM FEATURING GAP STAFF
SHIBBOLETH!
THE AUTHOR WANTS YOU TO LAUGH
IF YOU ARE FACING DEATH
AND HAVE NO HOPE LEFT
SEABOURNE WILL RESCUE
THOSE WITH OPTIONS BEREFT
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE IMPRESSED
’CAUSE HE’S SIMPLY THE BEST
I‘M ACTUALLY QUITE OBSESSED
THAT’S IT, I’VE CONFESSED
WE’RE SO LUCKY TO BE BLESSED
WITH SUCH A MAN OF INTEREST
BUT I HAVE DIGRESSED
BECAUSE EVEN HE CANNOT JEST
AT HIS MOST GRUESOME TEST
WILL HE DIE AT THE HANDS OF SHIBBOLETH?
SHIBBOLETH!
SHIBBOLETH!!!
SHIIIIB…
…BOOO…
…LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH!!!!!!!
Starring:
Carlos Bernard as Anis Seabourne
Eugene Levy as Matt McLeron
Cameron Diaz as Lauren Ordresveyoo
Alan Dale as David Thornevil
Milo Ventiglima as Oscar Mingetease
Blake Lively as Isis Connollyngus
Sandra Bullock as Atia Shahft
Chi McBride as Blake Leator
Mark Ruffalo as Khusty
Megan Fox as Shafa Cakes
Naveen Andrews as Hamza McCainsh
Halle Berry as Doreen Lopez
Richard Ayoade as Reverend Ramsey Hassan
Lily Allen as Marigold (or M)
Denzel Washington as Tobe (or T)
Jojo as Delicia
Michael Jackson as Farhad
Matt Dillon as Phil
Rachel Bilson as Joey
Chris Rock as Martin
Jessica Biel as Dominik
Dita Von Teese as Noa
Leighton Meester as Ana
Steve Buscemi as Pardeep (or Waste Man)
Frank Bruno as Loic (or Hench Man)
Holly Willoughby as Nicola
Bonnie Hunt as Margaret
Alexis Bledel as Emma
Morgan Freeman as Lawratu
Pam Ferris as Karen
Story by Matt McLeron and Lauren Austin Harvey
Screenplay by Matt McLeron
Script Supervisor Clemmie Taylor
SCENE SIX:
EXT. GA943 - DAY
WE ARE IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE, WHERE AN EXTRAORDINARILY MEDIOCRE RETAIL STORE IS SITUATED UNDERNEATH A TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT ORGANISATION WHICH IS HOLDING A BARBECUE WITH ITS ENTIRE STAFF ASSEMBLED.
MANY SUITED MEN AND WOMEN ARE MINGLING, HOLDING CHAMPAGNE IN WINE GLASSES. HOWEVER, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT ORGANISATION YOU WORK FOR, WHENEVER THERE’S A BARBECUE, YOU’RE GIVEN SHODDY PAPER PLATES TO EAT OFF WHICH TYPICALLY GET BLOWN AWAY ONTO OTHER PEOPLE’S GARDENS SLASH FACES.
THE CAMERA MOVES THROUGH MANY AGENTS, STOPPING ON ANIS WHO IS TALKING TO DELICIA.
DELICIA
M’s well angry you were late.
ANIS
Ah, what ya gonna do, my car fell off a cliff and exploded: I have some limits to my punctuality.
DELICIA
Well there’s always some excuse, they are getting tired of it.
ANIS
Right, whatever.
AGENT FARHAD COMES OVER TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION.
FARHAD
Look out, dude, M’s really spitting to kick your ass.
ANIS
So I’ve heard.
AGENT OSCAR JOINS THEM.
OSCAR
T’s annoyed with you.
ANIS
Ugh, what now?
OSCAR
You smashed up the Aston Martin, he’s gonna kill you.
FARHAD
M’s pissed at him too.
OSCAR
I know, I know, you know what it is? He’s too wasteful.
ANIS
Can we discuss my shortcomings later? I actually came to have a good time, not get picked apart and criticised.
OSCAR
I don’t think you’re going to have a good time today.
ANIS
Why’s that?
OSCAR
Look who just got here.
THEY POINT TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE. A WIRY MAN ENTERS WITH AN EYE-CATCHING WOMAN
ANIS
Oh, maaan, why’s Joey here?
FARHAD
She’s in accounting, all the beanspoons were invited.
AGENT NICOLA COMES OVER.
NICOLA
Don’t know if you just noticed, but…
ANIS
I noticed.
NICOLA
You don’t know what I was going to say yet!
ANIS
Did it happen to be that Joey just walked in?
PAUSE.
NICOLA
No, I was wondering if you had noticed…how Khus has been missing for 8 years.
PAUSE AS ANIS ABSORBS THIS.
ANIS
You are asking me if I had just noticed my ex partner died 8 years ago?
NICOLA
I wouldn’t say he’s dead, they never found his body.
ANIS
So your question is, did I just notice Khus hasn’t been seen for 8 years?
NICOLA
Uh huh.
ANIS
Unsubtly foreshadowing as your question was, the answer is no, I knew first hand having been the last person who saw him alive
AWKWARD PAUSE.
ANIS
Get outta here, Nicola.
NICOLA LEAVES AND ANIS TRIES TO ACT INCONSPICUOUS, SUSPICIOUSLY OVERDOING IT, AS HE IS A BLOODY SECRET AGENT, YOU’D THINK HE’D BE QUITE GOOD. ANYWAY HE FAILS AND IS ACCOSTED BY HIS EX GIRLFRIEND.
JOEY
Hello, Anis.
ANIS (OVERDOING TRYING TO APPEAR RELAXED)
Hey.
JOEY
This is Phil.
PHIL IS GRINNING.
PHIL
Alright?
ANIS
Alright…you alright?
PHIL
Feeling a little ‘shagged out’ I am, Joey’s a right bloody horse in bed, how did you keep up with her, she’s a fucking shag stallion, well I should say mare, really, every fucking animal on Old MacDonald’s farm in actual fact, ah god I bought us a jumbo bumper family pack of condoms - already been used up, it’s like ‘oo can I not be shagging you, Joey, for just one minute? I’ve gotta go to work, love’ fucking women eh? Still, you’re a secret agent, I bet you’re one of those knobs who wastes a guy and gives it some stupid one liner, I bet if you killed someone by dropping a pig or something on their head you’d say something like ‘oo that’s for telling porkies’ yeah I bet you’re one of them aren’t you, but I tell you this, I fucking hate people who make those kind of bad jokes, with puns, I just want to PUNch them, eh? EH? PUN…ch them…for PUNNING yeah they should get roasted alive and trampled by sheep, I’m mentioning animals a lot, I don’t know why, probably because Joey’s an animal in bed, eh, anyway, what was your question?
ANIS (TAKEN ABACK)
If you were alright.
PHIL
Me? Yeah I’m bloody marvellous, still, I do feel a little shagged out to be honest old Joey’s been giving it the old…
ANIS (TALKING OVER HIM)
You dumped me, for him? I thought you only liked Bengali boys?
JOEY
Well, once you go white, you realise you were wrong.
ANIS (NOT AT ALL AMUSED)
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
JOEY
Well, if you had committed yourself to being with me, things might have been different. You’re nothing to me now, it’s like those 8 years never happened.
ANIS
Yeah, 8 years, Joey, that’s like a marriage anyway…you can’t just…sweep that under the carpet.
PHIL
What carpet? Are we talking about her muffborough?
JOEY
Yeah 8 years, Anis, 8 years of the same old shit, another year goes by, all I got out of it was a new clock.
PHIL
A what?
JOEY
A clock, every year he’d buy a clock for our anniversary, to show that ‘we had all the time in the world’
ANIS
It’s from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, George Lazenby, when he marries Diana Rigg.
JOEY
Forget it, Anis. We were just very different people, and I have Phil now.
PHIL
Heh!
ANIS
Well, thanks for making this easy…
JOEY
Move on, Anis.
ANIS
I’m not saying I haven’t moved on, I just can’t believe you’d…
MOTIONS TOWARDS PHIL.
ANIS
Maybe I should transfer…to Wandsworth Branch
PHIL
Only losers whine about transferring, winners get to go home and fuck the prom queen.
ANIS
Joey WAS the prom queen.
PHIL
Well, what does that make me, mate?
WINKS AND STICKS TONGUE OUT. ANIS BLINKS AND SHAKES THAT OFF.
PHIL
So you got a new clock for your house every anniversary you two had? What happened to all of them?
JOEY
We split them up and both got four each.
PHIL
Four each, eh? Good FOR EACH…of you!
ANIS DOESN’T SO MUCH LAUGH AT THIS WHOLE HEARTEDLY CRAP PUN AS NOT LAUGH. JOEY HOWEVER GIGGLES AND SAYS
JOEY
You’re soooo funny!
MATT ENTERS AND PULLS ANIS AWAY SAYING
MATT
Love him or loathe him, you’d be mad not to loathe him.
ANIS REACTS IN BLESSED RELIEF TO SEE MATT.
ANIS
Matt! How’s early retirement treating you!
MATT
What an oddly expositionally clunky sentence.
ANIS
Expositionally isn’t a word.
TENSE PAUSE AS THEY BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER TRYING TO INTIMIDATE THE OTHER.
HOLD FOR FIVE SECONDS.
THEY BREAK INTO LAUGHTER.
MATT AND ANIS
Aaaaaaaaah!
MATT
So how are you?
ANIS
Fine, things are going pretty well.
THERE IS A SUDDEN SHOUT.
M
Agent Anis Seabourne! Just! Just what have you been up to? Destroying the Aston Martin? Disobeying a direct call in? I was going to give you an incredibly important case but you just had to fuck it up. Just wait til Monday, we are going to have a long talk in my office, shit for brains.
ANIS
Oh shit.
M
And T wants to have words as well.
ANIS
Look, just tell me what the missions about, I’ll do it fine.
M
Ha! Someone stole the Shibboleth device using a couple of green sticky bombs from Poland and to think I was going to put you on it…after the disregard you’ve shown?
ANIS
Jesus, M, I tell you I had no choice, an assassin put a grenade in my car.
M
So you drove it off a cliff?
ANIS
So no property got hurt!
M (SARKY)
Well that shut me up.
ANIS
I think I better mosey.
MATT
Yeah, lets.
M
Matt! I haven’t seen you since you aced the Clem Taylor mission and got yourself early retirement. How’ve you been doing?
MATT
Well, assassinating the female President of France was no easy job, I’ve just been dining, relaxing, and writing my memoirs.
M
Memoirs? You do realise anything revealed about us or any mission you were on will be considered treason and I’d have to behead you.
MATT
I’ll put it on the web and publish it under a fake name so you can’t pin anything on me.
M
Well good luck with that…such a nerd, putting stuff on the net.
MATT
Umm, I’m an ex secret agent, who has been set for life because he killed President Taylor and saved the free world, and STILL I get this image of being a nerd. I think it’s the glasses.
MATT TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND PUTS THEM ON TOP OF THE TABLE. HE PLACES THEM ON TOP OF A MAGAZINE.
MATT
See how different and awesome I look now?
ANIS STARES AT THE MAGAZINE COVER.
ANIS
Who’s that?
M AND MATT LOOK AT THE MAGAZINE. MATT PUTS GLASSES BACK ON.
M
That’s David Thornevil, another careless billionaire.
ANIS
Well, in this line of business, a careless billionaire is always a baddie.
MATT
Innit.
ANIS
Look, he’s got an eye-patch, has anyone decent ever worn an eye-patch ever? If they’ve got an eye-patch, they’re a definite baddie.
M
Riiiiiight.
MATT
And look, his name has the word ‘evil’ in it. Erm ever heard of Cruella De Vil? Evil was in her name, definite baddie.
M
He’s just an oil tycoon. We’ve been keeping tabs to make sure he’s on the books, Farhad and Oscar have been looking into it.
ANIS
Maybe you should delve deeper into him.
M
Oh I’m delving deep alright…into you. Don’t forget, Monday.
M LEAVES.
SCENE SEVEN:
EXT. GA943 - DAY
IT’S SOME TIME LATER.
PHIL
Yeah, well, the nineties were to the eighties what the seventies were to the sixties, soo…
PHIL IS NOW CUT OFF FROM THIS MADDENINGLY WANKERISH STATEMENT BECAUSE THE ASSEMBLED PARTY ARE TAPPING THEIR GLASSES AND SHOUTING ‘SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!’ M IS ALSO TAPPING HER GLASS AND SHOUTING FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE A SPEECH, BEFORE REALISING EVERYONE HAD WANTED HER TO MAKE ONE.
A STAGE HAS BEEN ERECTED AND M STANDS ON IT.
M
I’m not exactly sure what you wanted me to make a speech about, it’s another year gone by, another...
WE GO TO MATT AND ANIS WHISPERING DURING THE SPEECH.
MATT
So what gadgets has T hooked you up with?
ANIS
You’re going to love this, check this out.
ANIS TAKES OFF HIS SHOE AND SHOWS IT TO MATT.
ANIS
This shoe has an awesome feature, see a combination lock on the front of the heel? When its unlocked, it releases a grenade.
MATT
Whoar, that could be useful.
AGENT KASIA SHUSHES THEM.
ANIS
We better look like we’re paying attention to M’s speech…wait what’s that?
MATT
What?
ANIS
Why are there oil drums under the stage?
MATT
What the fuck??
ANIS
Oh shit…
MATT
Yep I see it too, the green glow…sticky bomb?
ANIS
There’s no time!
ANIS RUNS YELLING TO THE STAGE WITH ONLY ONE SHOE, BUT HE IS TOO LATE.
PHIL
See what I don’t get is that they imprison Muslim clerics for inciting racial violence, yet they give awards to Lord of the Rings. I mean Black Riders…what about Balrogs? Why don’t they just call them Gollywogs and have done with it? Tolkein stole all his ideas from African myth…
PHIL’S WANKERISH PONTIFICATION DURING M’S SPEECH IS INTERRUPTED BY THE BOMB GOING OFF AND M’S SUBSEQUENT IMMEDIATE DEPARTURE FROM LIFE. THE EXPLOSION IS TREMULOUS – LIKE, FELT IN JAPAN TWO HOURS LATER. EVERY AGENT IN THE FIRST ROW IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES. WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE STANDING ALIVE. ANIS IS ON FIRE. HE PUTS HIMSELF OUT AND RUNS UP TO THE STAGE. MATT IS UNSCATHED AND SHOUTS FOR ANIS.
TO THE SHOCK OF EVERYONE, A MILITARY POSSE CHARGE INTO THE BARBECUE OF FLAMING PEOPLE. HEH, IRONY. THEY BEGIN TO MACHINE GUN THE ASSEMBLED AGENTS. CHAOS AND SCREAMS ENSUE. LUCKILY, A YOUNG FEMALE AGENT VITORINO HAS A GRENADE, WHICH SHE THROWS AT THE POSSE. DUE TO THEIR MACHINE GUN FIRE THEY DO NOT NOTICE THE GRENADE LAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM. THEY KILL SEVERAL AGENTS BEFORE LUCKILY BEING BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS BY THE SINGLE GRENADE. THUS FOLLOWS A MAHOOSIVE EXPLOSION AS ALL OF THE GUN MEN HAD A STICKY BOMB ON THEM.
NOW ONLY TEN PEOPLE ARE LEFT STANDING ALIVE, INCLUDING MATT AND ANIS. MATT IS STUNNED, ANIS IS TRYING TO GET BACK ON HIS FEET. A BEARDED AGENT HAMZA IS TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THE SITUATION.
HAMZA
Doreen…
AGENT DOREEN LOOKS AT HIM IN SHOCK.
HAMZA
What was Anis shouting before the bomb blew up?
DOREEN
I don’t know, I…
HAMZA
He was running to the stage, and then all hell broke loose…there was a bomb under that stage…and…he knew.
DOREEN
We’re bringing him in.
THEY FIND SOME WEAPONS STREWN ON THE GROUND AND AIM THEIR GUNS AT ANIS.
ANIS IS STAGGERING OVER TO MATT.
ANIS
I was too late…I…
BANG! A SHOT GOES PAST HIS HEAD SO HE DROPS TO THE GROUND AND ROLLS.
MATT
We’re being shot at!!
HAMZA AND DOREEN CONTINUE FIRING AT THEM.
MATT
Shit, man we gotta get outta here, they think you did this!!
ANIS
Fuck!
THEY RUN CROUCHED OVER TO A RANDOM CAR. MATT BREAKS IN.
MATT
Get in!
ANIS
Hang on!
ANIS EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO CLAMBER INTO THE DRIVING SEAT AND START THE CAR.
HAMZA
Fuck, he’s getting away!
DOREEN REACTS FRANTICALLY.
HAMZA
Quick, the car!
THEY SPRINT OVER TO ANOTHER CAR AND START THE ENGINE.
SCENE EIGHT:
EXT. KNIGHTSBRIDGE STREETS - DAY
WE’RE BACK IN ANIS’ CAR. ANIS IS DRIVING FAST AND MATT HAS THE ONLY WEAPON BETWEEN THEM. THEY ZOOM UP BROMPTON ROAD.
MATT
Break right!
ANIS SWERVES RIGHT BEFORE HARROD’S WITH DEFT EXPERT PRECISION.
MATT
That’s it, down the back roads of Harrods, we should lose them.
ANIS
Aw, shit! They’re behind us!
MATT
Ah, bollocks! Go straight onto Sloane Street.
ANIS DOES. HE WEAVES THROUGH THE SLOW MOVING CARS, BUT DOES NOT LOSE HAMZA AND DOREEN.
IN THEIR CAR:
DOREEN
Don’t lose them, Hamza,
HAMZA
Use your gun, dammit, woman!
DOREEN
Ah, alright, ok!
DOREEN POPS HER HEAD AND ARM OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND STARTS SHOOTING.
MATT RETURNS THE FIRE, BUT DOES NOT WISH TO HARM THEM. ANIS GETS TO SLOANE SQUARE.
MATT
Left! Left! Left!
ANIS STEERS LEFT, BUT SWERVES SO HARD HE GOES INTO A 360 SLIDE.
ANIS
Shit-shit-shit-shit!
MATT
SH-SH-SH-SH-SH!
ANIS
Shou-shou-shou-shou-
MATT
Shhhhhhhh
ANIS
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
MATT
Turn left, fuck’s sake!
ANIS MANAGES TO MANOEUVRE THE CAR DOWN THE ROAD WHICH MATT POINTED OUT. MATT FIRES OFF A FEW SHOTS TO DAMAGE HAMZA’S FOLLOWING CAR. DOREEN LETS OFF A SHOT WHICH SMASHES THE PASSENGER MIRROR.
MATT
Whooooar!
SUDDENLY MATT’S HEAD CLUNKS ONTO THE CEILING OF THE CAR.
MATT
Fucking speed bumps!
ANIS
Sit tight, these go on for ages!
MATT
Fuck’s sake!
THEY BOTH BOUNCE UP AND DOWN REPEATEDLY HITTING THEIR HEADS ON THE CEILING. THEY BOTH WINCE IN UNISON.
MATT
Wait, I got an idea!
ANIS
What do you mean, ‘wait’? Wait for what? I’m not stopping this car, if that’s what you’re asking.
MATT UNDOES HIS SEATBELT AND FEARLESSLY HURLS HALF HIS BODY OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW.
ANIS
What are you doing, you crazy bastard?
MATT
Just keep going straight!
DOREEN TRIES TO KILL MATT BUT AS HAMZA IS DRIVING DOWN THIS SPEEDBUMPED ROAD ALL HER SHOTS GO WIDE BECAUSE THEY TOO ARE ALSO BOUNCING UP AND DOWN.
MATT STRETCHES OUT HIS ARMS. FOR SOME REASON THERE IS A WOODEN CART HOLDING THOUSANDS OF FRUIT. AS MATT IS DRIVEN PAST IT, HE TAKES OUT A VITAL SUPPORT OF THE FRUIT CART CAUSING THE ENTIRE STALL TO FALL BACKWARDS INTO THE ROAD SENDING THOUSANDS OF APPLES, ORANGES, LYCHEES, PINEAPPLES, WATERMELONS, AND MANY OTHER FRUITS INTO THE AIR, SO THEY LAND ON HAMZA’S CAR.
MATT THROWS UP HIS FIST IN TRIUMPH.
MATT
Eat fruit! LITERALLY! Contribute to your 5 a day
ANIS
You know, perhaps we should stop trying to make a killer gag each time we do something successful, oh wait hang on look at that, they’re still chasing us.
I WOULD HARDLY CONSIDER THAT A KILLER GAG.
THE COLLAPSING FRUIT CART HAS DONE NOTHING TO SLOW DOWN HAMZA’S CAR AND THEY ARE STILL FOLLOWING THEM.
MATT
Whaaaaat?
ANIS
THAT was your idea? Stopping them with fruit? They’re in a car, you moron!
AMIDST THE SPLATTERED FRUIT STANDS THE MUSTASCHIOED ARAB CART OWNER, WHO LOOKS LIKE BORAT. HE SHAKES HIS FIST ANGRILY AFTER THE CARS, SCOWLING AND CURSING.
IN HAMZA’S CAR, THE WINDSCREEN IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE THROUGH, SO NOW BOTH OF THEM HAVE TO STICK THEIR HEADS OUT OF THE MOVING CAR.
HAMZA
Shoot ’em!
IN ANIS’ CAR
MATT
Do a right here,
ANIS
Where we going?
THE CAR SCREECHES ONTO A MAIN ROAD
MATT
Go down the stairs!
ANIS
That’s the tube station!
MATT
DO IT!
ANIS
You crazy little…AAAAH!
ANIS STEERS LEFT SO HE POPS DOWN INTO THE UNDERGROUND.
HAMZA’S CAR POPS OUT OF THE STREET AND STOPS.
HAMZA, WITH HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW, LOOKS ROUND FRANTICALLY FOR ANIS’ CAR.
SEVERAL PEOPLE SCREAM COMING OUT OF THE UNDERGROUND. HAMZA IS CONFUSED.
ANIS’S CAR IS IN THE TUBE STATION. ANIS IS POUNDING ON HIS HORN, AND DOING 50MPH. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND DIVE TO AVOID THE CAR.
BACK TO HAMZA LOOKING CONFUSED AT THE SCREAMING PEOPLE COMING FROM THE UNDERGROUND STATION. A LOOK OF REALISATION COMES ON HIS FACE.
HAMZA
Oh no they didn’t…
BACK IN VICTORIA TUBE STATION. CAR IS SPEEDING WILDLY, WEAVING FRANTICALLY THROUGH THE CROWD.
MATT
Alright now up these stairs
BACK TO HAMZA.
HAMZA
Doreen, they’ve driven into the underground, we have to…
DOREEN
Oh my god, look behind you!
HAMZA TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE PUSHING AND RUNNING OUT OF THE TUBE STATION ENTRANCE NEAREST TO VICTORIA TRAIN STATION. SUDDENLY TO EVERYONE’S DISBELIEF ANIS’ CAR FLIES UP INTO THE AIR FROM THE STATION, THE STAIRS LEADING OUT HAVING BEEN USED AS A RAMP. WE GET A SHOT OF A MAN IN SOME STUPID BUNNY COSTUME HANDING OUT FLYERS IN FRONT OF THE STATION JUST TAKE THIS IN AS THE CAR FLIES OVER HIS HEAD. HE DROPS HIS STACK OF FLYERS. THE CAR SAILS MAGNIFICENTLY THROUGH THE AIR IN SLOW MOTION AND CRASHES INTO THE ARCHITECTURE OF THE STATION. WE GET A REACTION SHOT OF TRAVELLERS INSIDE VICTORIA STATION OBSERVING THE CAR BURST THROUGH THE WALL FIFTEEN FEET ABOVE THEM. THE CAR IS SUSPENDED IN THE WALL, HALF ON THE INSIDE, HALF ON THE OUTSIDE.
SCENE NINE:
INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY
INSIDE THE CAR.
MATT
Alright, what should we do now?
ANIS
We need to get the fuck out of here!
MATT
Feel like taking the train?
ANIS SMILES.
ANIS
Now that’s more like it, Mr McLeron
MATT
It’s a pleasure to be back, Mr Seabourne
MATT LOOKS OUT OF THE BACK WINDOW.
MATT
Dude, Hamza and Doreen are still after us.
THEY ARE.
ANIS
You’re plan to lose them went a bit sideways.
MATT
Enh, what we gonna do about them?
ANIS
Let’s split up, we need to be on…
SCANS TRAIN TIMES ON BIG BOARD IN CENTRE OF THE STATION
MATT
Platform sixteen, it’s going to Croydon, I know a place where we can lay low.
ANIS
Right, sixteen it is, then.
MATT
You got a gun?
ANIS
Nope.
MATT
Here, have this.
ANIS CHECKS OUT MATT’S GUN.
ANIS
No bullets left…
MATT
I know, let’s hope you won’t have to fire it.
ANIS
Alright, let’s mosey.
MATT
Yes, let’s get a wriggle on.
THEY BOTH GET OUT OF THE CAR AND JUMP DOWN TO THE GROUND, THEIR MOVEMENTS FOLLOWED BY THE EYES OF HUNDREDS OF PUZZLED COMMUTERS.
MATT
Good luck, Anis!
SUDDENLY
HAMZA
FREEEEZE!
HAMZA AND DOREEN ARE STANDING BEHIND THEM, ABOUT TEN METRES AWAY, GUNS POINTING TOWARDS THE DUO.
MATT AND ANIS TURN AND LOOK AT THEM. THEN THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEN THEY BOTH RUN IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.
HAMZA
Fucking…Ugh!
HE SHOOTS AFTER THEM.
HAMZA (TO DOREEN)
You take Matt, I’ll get Anis.
MATT HAS GONE EAST TOWARDS WHSMITHS. DOREEN CHASES AFTER HIM AND FIRES. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND IN BLIND PANIC EITHER GET IN BOTH OF THEIR WAYS OR DROP TO THE GROUND. MATT IS FORCED TO TAKE THE ESCALATOR UP. HE CROUCHES DOWN SO HE CAN’T BE VISIBLE OVER THE BANNISTERS. AS HE GETS TO THE TOP OF THE ESCALATOR, DOREEN REACHES THE ESCALATOR AND SHOOTS UP AT HIM.
MATT
Ah fuck!
HE CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED, AND PASSES A TRAMP BEGGING. MATT HAS AN IDEA AND REACHES INTO HIS POCKET FOR SOME CHANGE. HE THROWS DOWN CASH ON THE FLOOR AND CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED. THE TRAMP MOANS AND CRAWLS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES TO GET THE CHANGE. DOREEN RUNS ENERGETICALLY OFF THE ESCALATOR AND IMMEDIATELY TRIPS OVER THE CRAWLING TRAMP AND LANDS SOME METRES AWAY ON HER FACE, GUN SCATERRING, AMMO SPILLING. WE GET A SHOT OF MATT’S FACE AS HE’S RUNNING AND HIS GRIN AS HE HEARS DOREEN’S YELP BEHIND HIM. HE KEEPS RUNNING, NOT LOOKING BACK, AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND TO AVOID A STALL IN HIS PATH. HIS MOMENTUM CARRIES HIM SLIDING ON HIS BACK UNDER THE STALL AND AS SOON AS HE PASSES UNDER IT, HE LEAPS BACK UP AND JUMPS HEADLONG THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW AND LANDS IN A FORWARD ROLL ON THE FLOOR BELOW ON PLATFORM SIXTEEN, CHEST HEAVING, AND PICKING THE GLASS FROM HIS HANDS.
MATT
Alright, Anis, where are you, dude?
SCENE TEN:
INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY
ANIS IS RUNNING AWAY FROM HAMZA. ANIS IS RUNNING TO THE WEST SIDE OF THE STATION WHERE THEY HAVE A SUPERDRUG AND STARBUCKS.
ANIS
Shit!
HAMZA IS SHOOTING AT ANIS.
COMMUTERS SCREAM.
ANIS RUNS INTO SUPERDRUG AND WITH A WINK STEALS SHAMPOO OUT OF THE HANDS OF AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE EMPLOYEE CALLED BIANCA THEN RUNS OUT GRABBING A LIGHTER AND DEODORANT.
WE CUT BACK TO BIANCA, SWOONING OVER ANIS’ HANDSOME ABILITY TO CHANNEL 007.
THE MANAGER SHOUTS AFTER HIM BUT ANIS IS OUTTA THERE. HAMZA RUNS INTO THE STORE HURRIEDLY, GUN DRAWN. THE MANAGER SOBS PATHETICALLY.
ANIS IS OUTSIDE SQUEEZING OUT THE ENTIRE SHAMPOO BOTTLE. HAMZA SPEEDS OUT OF THE STORE AND LOSES HIS BALANCE ON THE SHAMPOO. HIS LEGS KICK OUT WILDLY AND HE FLAILS HIS ARMS TO KEEP BALANCE. ANIS LOBS THE EMPTY SHAMPOO BOTTLE AT HAMZA’S HEAD SO HE LOSES HIS BALANCE. HAMZA FALLS OVER. ANIS RUNS AWAY, BUT HAMZA IS GETTING UP AFTER HIM. HAMZA CATCHES UP WITH ANIS AND THROWS HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW OF STARBUCKS.
ANIS
ARGH! Dude, I’ve only got one shoe on: there’s glass! I could cut my feet, you over-zealous twat!
ANIS GETS UP AND THROWS SYRUP BOTTLES AT HAMZA WHILE COFFEE DRINKERS WATCH AMUSED. MANAGEMENT ISN’T SO HAPPY AND CALLS THE POLICE. HAMZA GETS CLOSE ENOUGH TO ANIS TO PUNCH HIM IN THE CHEST. ANIS GOES DOWN BUT SCRABBLES UNDER A TABLE. HAMZA MAKES HIS WAY TO THE TABLE. ANIS IS CROUCHED UNDER AND LIFTS THE TABLE INTO HAMZA’S FACE KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND, TRAPPING HIM UNDER THE TABLE. HAMZA SNARLS ANGRILY AND TRIES TO EXTRICATE HIMSELF, AND EVENTUALLY ANIS IS FORCED OVER AND HAMZA FREES HIMSELF. ANIS TRIES GOING FOR HAMZA’S GUN ON THE GROUND, BUT IS BATTED IN THE FACE BY A FORCEFULLY SWUNG STOOL. ANIS FALLS TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING HIS FACE, AND HAMZA TRAPS ANIS UNDER THE STOOL.
ANIS
Ah, ow, man!
HAMZA
You fucking nutcase! I’m bringing you in, for conspiracy to destroy GA943!
ANIS
It wasn’t me! I’ve been set up! I was trying to stop the bomb from going off!
HAMZA
And the armed men who shot everyone apart from you? Just lucky were you? We’re all dead, Nicola, Joey, Farhad, M, Delicia, they are all dead!
ANIS
Farhad and Oscar were investigating into David Thornevil, he’s into oil, the same oil used with the sticky bombs used to blow up the barbecue, the same sticky bombs, I might add, that were used to steal the Shibboleth device, the same sticky bombs that all the armed gunmen were carrying, it’s plain to see, this is all connected! I’ve been set up!
HAMZA
You’re coming back with us. Division are sending some people along to clean up this mess, it’s on dispatch.
ANIS
Who?
HAMZA
DICs Karen and Lawratu will be taking control over GA943 at least until this gets sorted out.
ANIS
I’m not coming back, especially if Karen and Lawratu are in charge. I need to clear my name. I’m on the team, I know as soon as I come with you, I’ll wake up in a cell, you need to let me go.
HAMZA
You need to come with us!
ANIS
Then I have no choice!
ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES.
HAMZA
Ow man, that burns! How was THAT even gonna work? That’s bloody deodorant, not pepper spray…ah!
HAMZA USES ONE HAND TO COVER ONE OF HIS STINGING EYES.
ANIS
Sorry, lighter didn’t go off.
ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES, BUT NOW THE LIGHTER GOES OFF AND HE SUCCESSFULLY FLAMBEES HAMZA’S FACE. HAMZA FALLS BACK AND CLUTCHES HIS GLOWING FACE.
ANIS
You thought it burned before? Heheh.
COFFEE DRINKER NAMED DANIEL
Erm…you just scarred a man for life…and you’re making bad jokes? Isn’t that sort of inappropriately glib?
ANIS
What if I had made a good joke?
DANIEL LOOKS THOUGHTFUL.
DANIEL
That could work
ANIS TAKES HAMZA’S GUN AND HURRIES TO THE TRAIN PLATFORMS. DOREEN SPOTS HIM FROM THE FLOOR ABOVE AND FIRES AT HIM.
ANIS JUMPS FROM THE SHOT AND RUNS FASTER, SWEARING.
HE SPIES MATT WAITING AT PLATFORM SIXTEEN. THE TRAIN IS ABOUT TO GO. MATT IS HOLDING THE DOOR DELAYING EVERYONE. SOME TRANSPORT FOR LONDON OFFICIALS ARE MAKING THEIR WAY TOWARDS HIM. ANIS SPEEDS UP TO THE TRAIN DOORS AND HOPS ON. MATT LETS GO OF THE DOORS AND THE TRAIN LEAVES BEFORE THE TRANSPORT OFFICIALS CAN STOP THEM. ON THE PLATFORM DOREEN LOOKS FRANTICALLY FOR THEM, NOT KNOWING WHERE THEY HAVE GONE. SHE GIVES UP AND CALLS IT IN.
SCENE ELEVEN:
INT. MATT’S CROYDON HIDEOUT. – NIGHT
DÉCOR IS MINIMAL TO REDUCE SHOOTING COSTS.
MATT AND ANIS ARE BOTH ON SEPARATE LAPTOPS SEARCHING THE INTERNET TO RESEARCH DAVID THORNEVIL.
MATT
Ah, the internet: the most overused Deus Ex Machina when it comes to plot progression from lazy screenwriting.
ANIS
Stop talking like that. It’s as bad as when characters in a movie say some shit like ‘Oh, it’s like we’ll be in a movie’
MATT
So no luck finding any dirt on David?
ANIS
You know what we need?
MATT
If you’re worried that we don’t have enough firepower, I’ve got a Walther P99 and a shotgun behind the fridge.
ANIS
Well that’s good, but no, I was first thinking that I need a shoe.
MATT LOOKS AT ANIS’ BARE FOOT AND LAUGHS.
MATT
Why did you leave it at the barbecue?
ANIS
The bomb, innit.
MATT
Alright, fine, but yeah what do we need now?
ANIS
I need to talk to T.
MATT
Do you think he’ll trust you?
ANIS
He has to, he must know who the bombs belong to, or at least he’ll know they have got nothing to do with me.
MATT
Well, why wouldn’t he say something? I know him, he’d speak out on something like this.
ANIS
Mate, things changed when you left.
MATT
How?
ANIS
It’s that Karen and Lawratu, they run it like Captain Bligh, they are Division squarejaws. They temporarily ran things when M was having her tooth unsnaggled. They’re a couple of powerhouses. Lawratu’s tough…and ruthless, Karen’s rough…and toothless.
MATT
Well re: T situation, you’re going out on a limb here, man, how are we going to contact him?
ANIS
I’ll think of something…let’s get something to eat.
MATT
What ya thinkin’, Maccy Ds?
ANIS
How about a bit o’ key-bab?
MATT
Sure, gimme a sec to get my jacket.
ANIS TURNS ON THE TV AND FLICKS THROUGH THE ADVERTS
TV
*bzzz* Making life taste better *bzzz* are you a homeowner *bzzz* waiting to die? Then call *bzzz* to me, Reverend Ramsey Hassan on 0980 24 *bzzz* rapid chat, a new way of servicing your needs *bzzz* daily express delivery! *bzzz* my name is judge *bzzz*
ANIS
Just adverts…
ANIS TURNS OFF TV AND PREPARES TO LEAVE. HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES HIS FEET.
ANIS
Matt!
MATT
What?
ANIS
Don’t worry about leaving, I only got one shoe.
MATT
Oh yeah, shame. Have to get a delivery
SCENE TWELVE:
INT. GA943 - NIGHT
AN IMPORTANT MEETING IS BEING HELD. KAREN AND LAWRATU, TWO IMPOSING WOMEN ARE HEADING UP THE TASK FORCE AND HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED BY DIVISION TO TAKE CONTROL OF EVERYBODY. THE REMAINING AGENTS OF GA943 LISTEN ATTENTIVELY.
KAREN
From now on, no one even blinks without my permission.
AGENT EMMA
Permission to blink, DCI Karen!
KAREN
Permission…denied.
LAWRATU
I want to know everything we can about Anis Seabourne.
KAREN
I want a list of all phone calls he’s made in the last twelve years.
LAWRATU
Cross check that with the phone calls of every known terrorist.
KAREN
I want bank accounts frozen.
LAWRATU
I want passports stopped.
KAREN
Thanks to information gathered from Hamza, we know that the story Anis’ll be pushing is that he’s been set up.
WE SEE HAMZA FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HIS RUN IN WITH THE LYNX CAN. HIS FACE IS COMPLETELY BURNT, EXCEPT AN UNSCATHED BIT IN THE MIDDLE IN A PERFECT OUTLINE OF HAMZA’S HAND.
LAWRATU
And by the way, sorry Hamza, you can’t go home, yes I know your face has been burnt off, but, as you can see, we’re a little understaffed.
HAMZA INSTINCTIVELY RUBS HIS HAND, WHICH IS JUST AS BURNT AS THE BURNS ON HIS FACE. IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS EVEN TO THOSE WHO CAN’T FOLLOW A LINEAR PLOT NARRATIVE THAT HAMZA COVERED HIS FACE WITH HIS HAND BEFORE GETTING SET ON FIRE, HENCE COOKED HAND AND BIZARRE LOOKING HANDPRINT OF CLARITY ON HIS FACE.
KAREN
No one leaves.
LAWRATU
Or thinks about leaving.
KAREN
Until we have Anis and his accomplice in a cell.
LAWRATU
Now we are going to be bringing in some of our own people, if you could place the passcodes to all files on our desks to allow our people to assess the situation as fast and as obliging as possible
READ OFF AGENT OSCAR’S UNEASY LOOK.
SCENE THIRTEEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT
SOME TIME LATER.
MATT
Mate, I’ve got it!
ANIS
Go on.
MATT
We use Wikipedia.
ANIS
How? What for?
MATT
To communicate with T! Trust me it’s quite a leap, but we’re losing nothing by trying, come on now.
ANIS
Knock yourself out.
MATT
Right, here’s what we do, we go to wiki, under GA943, go to the T page and leave him a message.
ANIS
Alright, fingers crossed.
MATT (TYPING AND READING)
‘T, we need to meet you, Seabourne’
ANIS
Good, but it’s a little obvious, how about we encode it. How many letters is that message?
MATT
25, perfect for a Caesar square code.
ANIS
Do it.
MATT ENCODES THE MESSAGE. THIS MEANS MAKING A 5 X 5 SQUARE WITH THE 25 LETTERS MAKING A SQUARE SO THE MESSAGE READS VERTICALLY. IT LOOKS LIKE:
T E E U O
W D E S U
E T T E R
N O Y A N
E M O B E
THEN MATT PLACES THE HORIZONTALLY READ MESSAGE ‘TEEUOWDESUETTERNOYANEMOBE’ ON THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE.
MATT
Done!
ANIS
Check my page, maybe someone’s had the same idea.
MATT
Checking…there’s nothing except…you went out with Joey for 8 years?
ANIS
THAT’S on there?
MATT
Yep…and you still wet the bed??
ANIS
Whaaaaat? That’s not on there, you’re lying.
ANIS HURRIES TO THE COMPUTER AND IS PROVED RIGHT.
ANIS
Yerafool!
MATT
Hey, I can easily edit this so it says you do.
ANIS
Wait, what’s that?
MATT
Where?
ANIS
‘Anis, I know who’s responsible for the attack, meet me Monday morning at Waterloo, Oscar’
MATT
Oscar?
ANIS
How did you miss that?
MATT
Oscar didn’t die in the explosion with everybody else?
ANIS
It would appear so.
MATT
What information could he have?
ANIS
He and Farhad were investigating David Thornevil, now Farhad is dead along with most of our agents, and I’ve been framed. I should go see him, I think he could be a help.
MATT
Oh my god, look, T’s already replied!
THE MESSAGE READS ‘AEWNIONTESNNIMSTEDSETEAAMAMRMYETINMT’
MATT
Right, 36 letters, makes a 6 by 6 square, just a few seconds…
HE MAKES THIS SQUARE
A E W N I O
N T E S N N
I M S T E D
S E T E A A
M A M R M Y
E T I N M T
HE WRITES THE VERTICAL MESSAGE OUT IN FULL. IT SAYS:
‘ANISMEETMEATWESTMINSTERNINEAMMONDAYT’
MATT
Anis, meet me at Westminster, nine a.m. Monday, T
ANIS
Excellent…I just hope he brings a shoe for my damn foot.
MATT
Shit, it’s all happening, innit?? Right I’ve had enough for one day, mate, I’m gonna sleep.
THEY SPUD GOOD NIGHT.
SCENE FOURTEEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT
ANIS CAN’T SLEEP. HE GOES INTO THE HALLWAY
ANIS
Why me…why me? I need a good…I need a good…other shoe.
ANIS STEALS MATT’S SLIPPERS AND GOES DOWNSTAIRS TO A BAR. A VAMPY AND IMPOSING YET ATTRACTIVE BLONDE GIRL SITS CONFIDENTLY NEXT TO HIM
GIRL
Buy me a drink?
ANIS
Not in the mood.
GIRL
You know, you look familiar.
ANIS MAKES A SLIGHT MOVEMENT TO TURN AWAY FROM HER, REJECTING HER.
GIRL
Your name’s Anis, right?
ANIS’ EYES GO ROUND. A LOUD NOTE PLAYS.
ANIS
Who are you?
GIRL
I’m Lauren.
STING OF MUSIC, FADE TO BLACK.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
OPEN UP FROM BLACK.
INT. A MODERN METALLIC OFFICE - NIGHT
THE CAMERA MOVES ONTO A BLACK GLOVE. THE FINGERS OF THE GLOVE EXTEND MENACINGLY TO A KEYBOARD AND FLICK SOME KEYS. DAVID THORNEVIL FLICKS UP ON THE MONITOR.
DAVID
The mole has been planted, sir.
MYSTERIOUS GLOVED PRESUMABLY MAN BECAUSE DAVID REFERRED TO HIM AS SIR
Gooood. Mooha…hmooha…Moohahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
END OF ACT ONE.
COME BACK HERE WEDNESDAY THE 3RD OF SEPTEMBER FOR THE SECOND PART OF THIS THREE PART ACTION FILM. WILL ANIS PREVAIL? WILL HE SEND THE BAD GUYS TO JAIL? OR WILL HE FAIL? HOPEFULLY I’LL LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.
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