SHIBBOLETH: ACT ONE
SCENE ONE:
EXT. AIRBASE - NIGHT
IT’S A MURKY NIGHT, TORRENTIAL MONSOON RAIN, OVER A SEEMINGLY MOSTLY DESERTED AIRSTRIP. WORM’S EYE VIEW OF LIGHTNING DIVIDING THE DESOLATE CLOUDY SKY. A HORRIBLE NOISE CREEPS IN OVER THE RAIN. WE SEE A JET FLY OVER FROM THE UNDERSIDE. WE WATCH IT TAXI ONTO THE AIRSTRIP AND COME TO A STOP. A MASKED MILITARY POSSE OF THREE SCURRY OFF THE PLANE AND STEALTHILY MAKE THEIR WAY TO A BASE.
RANDOM MILITARY EVIL HENCHMAN #1 (RMEH #1)
Three of a kind. Let’s do this.
RMEH #2
That’s it? Three guys?
RMEH #1
Two guys on the roof. Every guy gets a share.
RMEH #2
Five shares is plenty.
RMEH #1
Six shares. Don’t forget the guy who planned the job.
RMEH #2
He thinks he can sit it out and still take a slice?
RMEH #1
Well, we now know why they call him the Klown.
CUT TO THE TWO RANDOM MILITARY EVIL HENCHMEN ON THE ROOF.
RMEH #4
So why do they call him the Klown?
RMEH #5
I heard he wears Joker makeup.
RMEH #4
Makeup?
RMEH #5
Yeah! To scare people. You know, warpaint
RMEH #4
So why don’t they call him the Joker, then?
RMEH #5
Copyright issues/Health and Safety/Gareth - that’s the reason for everything.
THEY SHOOT THE SECURITY OFFICIALS STATIONED AROUND THE BASE AND AFTER SOME FAST EDITED SHOTS THEY ALL STAND TOGETHER CONVENIENTLY WHERE THEY WANT TO BE. THERE IS A SIGN IN SOME FOREIGN LANGUAGE WHICH CONTAINS THE CURIOUS WORD ‘SHIBBOLETH’ THEY ATTACH A GREEN STICKY BOMB TO THE DOOR WHICH BARS THE ENTRANCE TO THE PLACE FROM WHICH THEY INTEND TO STEAL. THE POSSE SCRAMBLE FOR COVER AS THE BOMB EXPLODES, AND AS THE DUST SETTLES WE SEE THEM MAKING OFF WITH A HUGE MACHINE. RMEH #1 GETS A BIGGER STICKY BOMB AND PLACES IT IN A STRATEGIC PLACE. HE RACES TO THE JET WITH THE HUGE MACHINE AND OTHER HENCHMAN IN TOW. AS THE JET LEAVES THE GROUND, RMEH #3 WHO HAS BEEN SUSPICIOUSLY SILENT THUS FAR, SHOOTS ALL OTHER HENCHMEN. THE BOMB EXPLODES DESTROYING THE BASE IN ITS ENTIRETY. HE WATCHES THIS FROM THE PLANE. THEN HE GOES TO THE COCKPIT AND SHOOTS THE PILOT, AND BEGINS TO FLY THE PLANE HIMSELF. HE TAKES OFF HIS MASK, AND ALTHOUGH WE DO NOT SEE HIS FACE, WE CAN SEE THE BLURRY REFLECTION OF CLOWN MAKE-UP IN THE COCKPIT WINDSCREEN. HE CACKLES MANIACALLY.
SCENE TWO:
EXT. POLISH GOVERNEMT OFFICES - DAWN
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF POLISH GOVERNEMT OFFICES.
INT. POLISH OFFICES - DAWN
A MATERNAL LOOKING BLONDE LADY CALLED MARGARET DOES A CROSSWORD AS HER INFATUATED PINCHNOSED COWORKER DOMINIK DISCREETLY EYES HER UP. THE PHONE RINGS, MAKING DOMINIK JUMP. MARGARET PICKS UP THE PHONE. MARGARET GARBLES IN POLISH. AT FIRST SHE IS NODDING ALONG. THEN SHE GASPS IN SURPRISE. THEN SHE GABBLES ANGRILY. THEN SHE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE. DOMINIK ASKS HER WHAT'S UP.
MARGARET
Bolsljra Shibboleth she hai.
DOMINIK
Shibboleth??
MARGARET
Ya ya danske Shibboleth she hausen!!
DOMINIK
Ay, Shibboleth. Na!!!
MARGARET
Well I just have be calling London, and get GA943.
SCENE THREE:
INT. GA943 – EARLY MORNING
WE ARE IN AN ORNATE POLISHED OLD GOVERNMENT BUILDING. AT A SMALL NEAT DESK SITS DELICIA PENNY-ELLIOT. THE PHONE RINGS.
DELICIA
Who’s calling, please…thank you…Please hold for M
DELICIA PUTS THE CALLER ON HOLD AND DIALS INTO THE OFFICE NEXT TO HER. AFTER A SHORT WHILE, M ANSWERS OVER THE PHONE
M
Yes?
DELICIA
I got Poland calling saying that –
M
Poland?? What the fudding hell do they bloody want?
DELICIA
Well basically, they are calling for…
M
Just put them through.
CAMERA DOES A WEST WING STYLE SLIDE THROUGH THE WALL, MOSTLY BECAUSE I CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO MAKE THIS AN ENTIRELY NEW SCENE, AS IT OCCURS RIGHT NOW. WE ARE IN M’S OFFICE. M IS A BLACK WOMAN DRESSED ALL IN BLACK SAT BEHIND A DESK. THE DESK LAMP IS ON BECAUSE THE OFFICE IS DIMLY LIT. SHE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE, AND SAYS CURTLY
M
Yes?...Oh good god…Well I guess we’re going to have to put our top man on this.
SCENE FOUR:
EXT. LOG CABIN - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE LOG CABIN IN A SWEDISH FOREST.
INT. SWEDISH LOG CABIN. A COUPLE ARE IN A STATE OF COITUS. WE SLIDE CAMERA OVER SOME SKIN WITHOUT RAISING THE FILM CERTIFICATE. THE WOMAN IS GROANING LOUDLY. WE CONTINUE SLIDING UNTIL THE CAMERA RESTS ON THE PHONE ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. IT LIGHTS UP AND BUZZES, ATTRACTING THE COUPLE’S ATTENTION. THE GIRL ASSUMES HER SEX TOY HAS GONE OFF, AND SPEAKS WITH A THICK GENERICALLY FRANCO-EUROPEAN ACCENT.
NOA
Oh boy, sorry it’s just…
SHE REALISES IT IS THE PHONE.
NOA
Your phone.
WE SEE THE BACK OF THE MAN’S HEAD POP UP AND READ HIS TEXT. IT’S FROM GA943. IT SAYS ‘COME URGENTLY’ THE MAN SHRUGS THIS OFF AS IF TO SAY TEXTING ME ISN’T GOING TO MAKE ME COME ANY URGENTER
FIVE MINUTES LATER, WE CUT TO HIM, FULLY DRESSED IN TUXEDO, STANDING WITH HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA IN FRONT OF NOA.
NOA
Who do you think you are? What do you think you are doing? You’re leaving me, right after we had sex? You haven’t even told me your name, you know that?
MAN
Name’s Scond…
NOA
Scond, you’re going nowh-
MAN
Name’s Scond. Ab…scond. As in I’m absconding from you? It was a joke, my actual name’s Anis
READS FROM HER BLANK LOOK.
ANIS
I just made a little joke because I’m about to ‘abscond’.
READS FROM HER BLANK LOOK.
ANIS
Abscond means leave.
NOA
I know what abscond means, you idiot, how are you making jokes after what you’ve just done?
ANIS
Waaaa, weeeell just thought it’d lighten the situation, y’know, it is kinda harsh how I’m leaving you, we just had sex, but point t’is, I gotta go to work, they are waiting for me, and, yes I know how it looks, but I’m afraid I have to go
NOA
Excuse me, do you have any idea who I am?
ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO FEAR.
ANIS
Oh god, not another call girl, look, just because I’m a high ranking government official, trust me, the –
NOA
How dare you think I’m a call girl, just because you are ‘high wanking’
ANIS
Ah shit, sorry, I-
NOA
QUIET!
ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO MILD ALARM AS NOA PRODUCES A GUN.
NOA
Not so talkative now, uh?
ANIS
Look, love, you think you’re the first girl to pull a gun on me?
NOA
You not interested why I’ve pulled a gun on you?
ANIS
Well if you wanted to tell me, I’m sure you’re about to.
NOA
You have no idea the world of shit you are in, right now, Sea-
ANIS MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT. HE STAMPS ON THE FLOORBOARD THEY ARE STANDING ON SO SHE IS JERKED UPWARDS. AT THE SAME TIME SHE FIRES THE GUN AT HIM, BUT HER AIM IS THROWN OFF TARGET BY THE MOVEMENT OF THE FLOORBOARD. THE BULLET MISSES ANIS AND SMASHES A MIRROR. BEFORE SHE HAS TIME TO EVEN REALISE WHAT HAS HAPPENED, ANIS IS WRESTLING THE GUN FROM HER. THEY BOTH HOLD ON TIGHT, AND IN THE STRUGGLE ANIS ENDS UP THROWING HER ONTO THE BED, CAUSING THEM TO BOTH LOSE THEIR GRIP ON THE GUN WHICH IS THROWN UPWARDS. THE BED LIFTS UP INTO THE WALL, CONVENIENTLY (COS IT’S ONE OF THOSE RANDOM WALL BEDS YOU ONLY SEE IN FILMS LIKE ROGER RABBIT AND THAT) AND NOA SCREAMS AS THE BED SPRINGS UP TO TRAP HER INSIDE THE WALL. ANIS WAS THROWN OFF BALANCE FROM THROWING HER ON THE BED AND HAS STAGGERED OVER AND SPINS ON HIS KNEE, CATCHING THE TOSSED GUN IN THE AIR AND FIRES THREE BULLETS INTO THE BED WALL THINGY CATHARTICALLY. ALL THIS TOOK UNDER TEN SECONDS.
ANIS
Once, twice, three times a lady…with a dry cool wit like that I could be an action hero.
ANIS CAUSUALLY BRUSHES SOME DIRT OFF HIS KNEE, TAKES APART THE GUN, POCKETS HIS PHONE AND LEAVES WITH HIS BRIEFCASE.
SCENE FIVE:
EXT. SWEDISH LOG CABIN - DAY
TRACK ANIS TO HIS BEAUTIFUL GREY ASTON MARTIN. HE OPENS THE DRIVER’S SIDE AND CHUCKS HIS BRIEFCASE HAPHAZARDLY ONTO THE PASSENGER SEAT. HE STARTS HIS CAR AND DRIVES OFF. CUE SEABOURNE THEME. AS HE’S DRIVING, HE SPOTS A RAPIDLY APPROACHING MOTORBIKE. HE FROWNS. IT GAINS ON HIM AND EVENTUALLY THE VEHICLES ARE SIDE BY SIDE. THE MOTORBIKE DRIVER’S HAIR BILLOWS OUT IN THE WIND. THE BIKER REMOVES THEIR HELMET. IT’S NOA.
ANIS
For crying out loud, I’m running late, let me go woman.
AS HIS WINDOWS ARE CLOSED AND THEY ARE DRIVING AT HIGH SPEED HE NEED NOT HAVE SAID THAT BECAUSE NOA WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HEAR HIM. ESPECIALLY NOT OVER THE LOUD DRAMATIC BRASS MUSIC THAT’S PLAYING ON THE SOUNDTRACK RIGHT NOW. NOA WAS UNABLE TO FIX THE GUN ANIS TOOK APART AT THE LOG CABIN, SO SHE RESORTS TO USING A FLAMETHROWER. SHE ENGULFS THE CAR IN FLAMES
ANIS
What the f…
ANIS BRAKES, THEN REVERSES. NOA HAS TO TURN THE BIKE AROUND. SHE WATCHES BEMUSED AS HE REVERSES 100 METRES AND STOPS. SHE REVS THE BIKE. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON HIS BACK WHEEL AS IT SUDDENLY SPINS. A FEW SECONDS LATER THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD AND KEEPS GOING. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON NOA’ BIKE’S BACK WHEEL. SHE ACCELERATES FORWARD. THEY ARE BOTH HEADING FOR EACH OTHER.
ANIS
Come on, come on hit me!
WE HAVE AN OVERHEAD AS THEY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER. NOA TRIES TO BAIL FROM THE BIKE, BUT MISJUDGES HER TIMING AND SHE LANDS ON ANIS’ FLAMING CAR. SHE SCREAMS IN PAIN FROM THE BLAZING HEAT AND ANGRILY TRIES TO BATTER HER WAY INTO THE CAR. ANIS SWERVES AND THEN PULLS DOWN THE HAND BRAKE CAUSING NOA TO BE THROWN FULLY OFF THE CAR AND INTO A TREE, THE IMPACT OF WHICH KILLS HER.
ANIS
“‘Once, twice, TREE times a lady’ Anis quipped.” Gosh I wish someone could have heard that…when else could anyone have possibly made a pun like that work, she was a lady, got killed by a tree, took me two tries to kill her...maybe I should have made a joke along the lines that her bark was worse than her bite…because trees have bark…well heheh, I don’t ARBOR any grudge against her, I was TREESED to meet her and now I have to LEAF…wait, who am I talking to?
ANIS FROWNS AS HE SEES NOA GET UP.
ANIS
What the hell, you’re unarmed, why didn’t you just act dead, I was about to leave.
AS SHE FLEW A LONG DISTANCE AND ANIS’ CAR HAS A LOT OF DEFENSES, NOA CAN’T HEAR WHAT ANIS IS SAYING. NOA TAKES OFF HER MOTORCYCLE JACKET AND STAGGERS OVER TO ANIS’ CAR, WHERE THE FLAMES HAVE MOSTLY DIED DOWN. ANIS WATCHES HER APPROACH CURIOUSLY. NOA GETS OVER TO THE CAR AND MOTIONS FOR ANIS TO ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW. ANIS GRUDGINGLY DOES SO. HE IMMEDIATELY REGRETS THIS AS NOA THROWS A GRENADE INSIDE.
ANIS
Ah shit, what the hell!
ANIS ACTS FAST. HE STARTS THE CAR, WHICH MAKES NOA LAUGH. HE SPEEDS OFF, BUT FLICKS A SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD. WE SEE SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE SHOOT OUT OF THE CAR’S SIDE. HE GRABS THE BRIEFCASE AND OPENS THE CAR DOOR SLIGHTLY. HE FLICKS ANOTHER SMALL SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD CAUSING THE CAR TO CONTINUE DRIVING FORWARD. HE DIVES OUT OF THE CAR DIRTYING HIS JACKET. WE CUT TO NOA WHO NOTICES SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE ATTACHED TO HER FLIES. AFTER SHE FOLLOWS THE PATH OF THE WIRE WITH HER EYES, IT DAWNS ON HER THAT IT IS THE GRAPPLING HOOK FROM A WIRE PITON SHOT FROM THE ASTON MARTIN. SHE SQUEALS AS THE CAR DRAGS HER ALONG THE GRAVEL INTO THE WOODED AREA WHERE ANIS JUMPED OUT, ONLY TO FIND HERSELF GETTING PULLED OFF A CLIFF. SHE SEES THE CAR FALLING TO THE BOTTOM AS SHE SAILS HORRIFIED INTO THE ABYSS. THE CAR EXPLODES JUST BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND, THE GRENADE FINALLY HAVING GONE OFF. SHE FALLS SCREAMING INTO THE FIREBALL AND HOPEFULLY DIES.
ANIS GETS TO THE CLIFF EDGE AND THINKS A GOOD LINE WOULD BE
ANIS
Third time’s a charm…oh, no wait, even better: third time’s a HARM…Ah that was just awesome.
IT DAWNS ON HIM THAT HE HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE, AND HE’S ALREADY RUNNING LATE.
CUT TO ANIS MISERABLY FEELING OVERDRESSED AS HE HITCHES A LIFT WITH A BUNCH OF IMMIGRANTS IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK WITH RANDOM CHICKENS CLUCKING, LOOKING FAIRLY RIDICULOUS IN HIS TUXEDO WITH THE ALL THE RAGGED PEOPLE.
WE NOW GO TO AN ELABORATE OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE WHERE SILHOUETTES CANOODLE TO A POWER BALLAD WITH SLIGHTLY OUT OF PLACE TRUMPETS WHICH GOES:
SHIBBOLETH!
THE TITLE’S REALLY VAGUE
SHIBBOLETH!
DOESN’T STAR DANIEL CRAIG
THE WORLD IS JUST LEARNING
AND ONLY HE CAN SAVE IT
FROM ITS EARLY BURNING
BY THE MOST EVIL DAVID
SHIBBOLETH!
ACTION FILM FEATURING GAP STAFF
SHIBBOLETH!
THE AUTHOR WANTS YOU TO LAUGH
IF YOU ARE FACING DEATH
AND HAVE NO HOPE LEFT
SEABOURNE WILL RESCUE
THOSE WITH OPTIONS BEREFT
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE IMPRESSED
’CAUSE HE’S SIMPLY THE BEST
I‘M ACTUALLY QUITE OBSESSED
THAT’S IT, I’VE CONFESSED
WE’RE SO LUCKY TO BE BLESSED
WITH SUCH A MAN OF INTEREST
BUT I HAVE DIGRESSED
BECAUSE EVEN HE CANNOT JEST
AT HIS MOST GRUESOME TEST
WILL HE DIE AT THE HANDS OF SHIBBOLETH?
SHIBBOLETH!
SHIBBOLETH!!!
SHIIIIB…
…BOOO…
…LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH!!!!!!!
Starring:
Carlos Bernard as Anis Seabourne
Eugene Levy as Matt McLeron
Cameron Diaz as Lauren Ordresveyoo
Alan Dale as David Thornevil
Milo Ventiglima as Oscar Mingetease
Blake Lively as Isis Connollyngus
Sandra Bullock as Atia Shahft
Chi McBride as Blake Leator
Mark Ruffalo as Khusty
Megan Fox as Shafa Cakes
Naveen Andrews as Hamza McCainsh
Halle Berry as Doreen Lopez
Richard Ayoade as Reverend Ramsey Hassan
Lily Allen as Marigold (or M)
Denzel Washington as Tobe (or T)
Jojo as Delicia
Michael Jackson as Farhad
Matt Dillon as Phil
Rachel Bilson as Joey
Chris Rock as Martin
Jessica Biel as Dominik
Dita Von Teese as Noa
Leighton Meester as Ana
Steve Buscemi as Pardeep (or Waste Man)
Frank Bruno as Loic (or Hench Man)
Holly Willoughby as Nicola
Bonnie Hunt as Margaret
Alexis Bledel as Emma
Morgan Freeman as Lawratu
Pam Ferris as Karen
Story by Matt McLeron and Lauren Austin Harvey
Screenplay by Matt McLeron
Script Supervisor Clemmie Taylor
SCENE SIX:
EXT. GA943 - DAY
WE ARE IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE, WHERE AN EXTRAORDINARILY MEDIOCRE RETAIL STORE IS SITUATED UNDERNEATH A TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT ORGANISATION WHICH IS HOLDING A BARBECUE WITH ITS ENTIRE STAFF ASSEMBLED.
MANY SUITED MEN AND WOMEN ARE MINGLING, HOLDING CHAMPAGNE IN WINE GLASSES. HOWEVER, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT ORGANISATION YOU WORK FOR, WHENEVER THERE’S A BARBECUE, YOU’RE GIVEN SHODDY PAPER PLATES TO EAT OFF WHICH TYPICALLY GET BLOWN AWAY ONTO OTHER PEOPLE’S GARDENS SLASH FACES.
THE CAMERA MOVES THROUGH MANY AGENTS, STOPPING ON ANIS WHO IS TALKING TO DELICIA.
DELICIA
M’s well angry you were late.
ANIS
Ah, what ya gonna do, my car fell off a cliff and exploded: I have some limits to my punctuality.
DELICIA
Well there’s always some excuse, they are getting tired of it.
ANIS
Right, whatever.
AGENT FARHAD COMES OVER TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION.
FARHAD
Look out, dude, M’s really spitting to kick your ass.
ANIS
So I’ve heard.
AGENT OSCAR JOINS THEM.
OSCAR
T’s annoyed with you.
ANIS
Ugh, what now?
OSCAR
You smashed up the Aston Martin, he’s gonna kill you.
FARHAD
M’s pissed at him too.
OSCAR
I know, I know, you know what it is? He’s too wasteful.
ANIS
Can we discuss my shortcomings later? I actually came to have a good time, not get picked apart and criticised.
OSCAR
I don’t think you’re going to have a good time today.
ANIS
Why’s that?
OSCAR
Look who just got here.
THEY POINT TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE. A WIRY MAN ENTERS WITH AN EYE-CATCHING WOMAN
ANIS
Oh, maaan, why’s Joey here?
FARHAD
She’s in accounting, all the beanspoons were invited.
AGENT NICOLA COMES OVER.
NICOLA
Don’t know if you just noticed, but…
ANIS
I noticed.
NICOLA
You don’t know what I was going to say yet!
ANIS
Did it happen to be that Joey just walked in?
PAUSE.
NICOLA
No, I was wondering if you had noticed…how Khus has been missing for 8 years.
PAUSE AS ANIS ABSORBS THIS.
ANIS
You are asking me if I had just noticed my ex partner died 8 years ago?
NICOLA
I wouldn’t say he’s dead, they never found his body.
ANIS
So your question is, did I just notice Khus hasn’t been seen for 8 years?
NICOLA
Uh huh.
ANIS
Unsubtly foreshadowing as your question was, the answer is no, I knew first hand having been the last person who saw him alive
AWKWARD PAUSE.
ANIS
Get outta here, Nicola.
NICOLA LEAVES AND ANIS TRIES TO ACT INCONSPICUOUS, SUSPICIOUSLY OVERDOING IT, AS HE IS A BLOODY SECRET AGENT, YOU’D THINK HE’D BE QUITE GOOD. ANYWAY HE FAILS AND IS ACCOSTED BY HIS EX GIRLFRIEND.
JOEY
Hello, Anis.
ANIS (OVERDOING TRYING TO APPEAR RELAXED)
Hey.
JOEY
This is Phil.
PHIL IS GRINNING.
PHIL
Alright?
ANIS
Alright…you alright?
PHIL
Feeling a little ‘shagged out’ I am, Joey’s a right bloody horse in bed, how did you keep up with her, she’s a fucking shag stallion, well I should say mare, really, every fucking animal on Old MacDonald’s farm in actual fact, ah god I bought us a jumbo bumper family pack of condoms - already been used up, it’s like ‘oo can I not be shagging you, Joey, for just one minute? I’ve gotta go to work, love’ fucking women eh? Still, you’re a secret agent, I bet you’re one of those knobs who wastes a guy and gives it some stupid one liner, I bet if you killed someone by dropping a pig or something on their head you’d say something like ‘oo that’s for telling porkies’ yeah I bet you’re one of them aren’t you, but I tell you this, I fucking hate people who make those kind of bad jokes, with puns, I just want to PUNch them, eh? EH? PUN…ch them…for PUNNING yeah they should get roasted alive and trampled by sheep, I’m mentioning animals a lot, I don’t know why, probably because Joey’s an animal in bed, eh, anyway, what was your question?
ANIS (TAKEN ABACK)
If you were alright.
PHIL
Me? Yeah I’m bloody marvellous, still, I do feel a little shagged out to be honest old Joey’s been giving it the old…
ANIS (TALKING OVER HIM)
You dumped me, for him? I thought you only liked Bengali boys?
JOEY
Well, once you go white, you realise you were wrong.
ANIS (NOT AT ALL AMUSED)
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
JOEY
Well, if you had committed yourself to being with me, things might have been different. You’re nothing to me now, it’s like those 8 years never happened.
ANIS
Yeah, 8 years, Joey, that’s like a marriage anyway…you can’t just…sweep that under the carpet.
PHIL
What carpet? Are we talking about her muffborough?
JOEY
Yeah 8 years, Anis, 8 years of the same old shit, another year goes by, all I got out of it was a new clock.
PHIL
A what?
JOEY
A clock, every year he’d buy a clock for our anniversary, to show that ‘we had all the time in the world’
ANIS
It’s from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, George Lazenby, when he marries Diana Rigg.
JOEY
Forget it, Anis. We were just very different people, and I have Phil now.
PHIL
Heh!
ANIS
Well, thanks for making this easy…
JOEY
Move on, Anis.
ANIS
I’m not saying I haven’t moved on, I just can’t believe you’d…
MOTIONS TOWARDS PHIL.
ANIS
Maybe I should transfer…to Wandsworth Branch
PHIL
Only losers whine about transferring, winners get to go home and fuck the prom queen.
ANIS
Joey WAS the prom queen.
PHIL
Well, what does that make me, mate?
WINKS AND STICKS TONGUE OUT. ANIS BLINKS AND SHAKES THAT OFF.
PHIL
So you got a new clock for your house every anniversary you two had? What happened to all of them?
JOEY
We split them up and both got four each.
PHIL
Four each, eh? Good FOR EACH…of you!
ANIS DOESN’T SO MUCH LAUGH AT THIS WHOLE HEARTEDLY CRAP PUN AS NOT LAUGH. JOEY HOWEVER GIGGLES AND SAYS
JOEY
You’re soooo funny!
MATT ENTERS AND PULLS ANIS AWAY SAYING
MATT
Love him or loathe him, you’d be mad not to loathe him.
ANIS REACTS IN BLESSED RELIEF TO SEE MATT.
ANIS
Matt! How’s early retirement treating you!
MATT
What an oddly expositionally clunky sentence.
ANIS
Expositionally isn’t a word.
TENSE PAUSE AS THEY BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER TRYING TO INTIMIDATE THE OTHER.
HOLD FOR FIVE SECONDS.
THEY BREAK INTO LAUGHTER.
MATT AND ANIS
Aaaaaaaaah!
MATT
So how are you?
ANIS
Fine, things are going pretty well.
THERE IS A SUDDEN SHOUT.
M
Agent Anis Seabourne! Just! Just what have you been up to? Destroying the Aston Martin? Disobeying a direct call in? I was going to give you an incredibly important case but you just had to fuck it up. Just wait til Monday, we are going to have a long talk in my office, shit for brains.
ANIS
Oh shit.
M
And T wants to have words as well.
ANIS
Look, just tell me what the missions about, I’ll do it fine.
M
Ha! Someone stole the Shibboleth device using a couple of green sticky bombs from Poland and to think I was going to put you on it…after the disregard you’ve shown?
ANIS
Jesus, M, I tell you I had no choice, an assassin put a grenade in my car.
M
So you drove it off a cliff?
ANIS
So no property got hurt!
M (SARKY)
Well that shut me up.
ANIS
I think I better mosey.
MATT
Yeah, lets.
M
Matt! I haven’t seen you since you aced the Clem Taylor mission and got yourself early retirement. How’ve you been doing?
MATT
Well, assassinating the female President of France was no easy job, I’ve just been dining, relaxing, and writing my memoirs.
M
Memoirs? You do realise anything revealed about us or any mission you were on will be considered treason and I’d have to behead you.
MATT
I’ll put it on the web and publish it under a fake name so you can’t pin anything on me.
M
Well good luck with that…such a nerd, putting stuff on the net.
MATT
Umm, I’m an ex secret agent, who has been set for life because he killed President Taylor and saved the free world, and STILL I get this image of being a nerd. I think it’s the glasses.
MATT TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND PUTS THEM ON TOP OF THE TABLE. HE PLACES THEM ON TOP OF A MAGAZINE.
MATT
See how different and awesome I look now?
ANIS STARES AT THE MAGAZINE COVER.
ANIS
Who’s that?
M AND MATT LOOK AT THE MAGAZINE. MATT PUTS GLASSES BACK ON.
M
That’s David Thornevil, another careless billionaire.
ANIS
Well, in this line of business, a careless billionaire is always a baddie.
MATT
Innit.
ANIS
Look, he’s got an eye-patch, has anyone decent ever worn an eye-patch ever? If they’ve got an eye-patch, they’re a definite baddie.
M
Riiiiiight.
MATT
And look, his name has the word ‘evil’ in it. Erm ever heard of Cruella De Vil? Evil was in her name, definite baddie.
M
He’s just an oil tycoon. We’ve been keeping tabs to make sure he’s on the books, Farhad and Oscar have been looking into it.
ANIS
Maybe you should delve deeper into him.
M
Oh I’m delving deep alright…into you. Don’t forget, Monday.
M LEAVES.
SCENE SEVEN:
EXT. GA943 - DAY
IT’S SOME TIME LATER.
PHIL
Yeah, well, the nineties were to the eighties what the seventies were to the sixties, soo…
PHIL IS NOW CUT OFF FROM THIS MADDENINGLY WANKERISH STATEMENT BECAUSE THE ASSEMBLED PARTY ARE TAPPING THEIR GLASSES AND SHOUTING ‘SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!’ M IS ALSO TAPPING HER GLASS AND SHOUTING FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE A SPEECH, BEFORE REALISING EVERYONE HAD WANTED HER TO MAKE ONE.
A STAGE HAS BEEN ERECTED AND M STANDS ON IT.
M
I’m not exactly sure what you wanted me to make a speech about, it’s another year gone by, another...
WE GO TO MATT AND ANIS WHISPERING DURING THE SPEECH.
MATT
So what gadgets has T hooked you up with?
ANIS
You’re going to love this, check this out.
ANIS TAKES OFF HIS SHOE AND SHOWS IT TO MATT.
ANIS
This shoe has an awesome feature, see a combination lock on the front of the heel? When its unlocked, it releases a grenade.
MATT
Whoar, that could be useful.
AGENT KASIA SHUSHES THEM.
ANIS
We better look like we’re paying attention to M’s speech…wait what’s that?
MATT
What?
ANIS
Why are there oil drums under the stage?
MATT
What the fuck??
ANIS
Oh shit…
MATT
Yep I see it too, the green glow…sticky bomb?
ANIS
There’s no time!
ANIS RUNS YELLING TO THE STAGE WITH ONLY ONE SHOE, BUT HE IS TOO LATE.
PHIL
See what I don’t get is that they imprison Muslim clerics for inciting racial violence, yet they give awards to Lord of the Rings. I mean Black Riders…what about Balrogs? Why don’t they just call them Gollywogs and have done with it? Tolkein stole all his ideas from African myth…
PHIL’S WANKERISH PONTIFICATION DURING M’S SPEECH IS INTERRUPTED BY THE BOMB GOING OFF AND M’S SUBSEQUENT IMMEDIATE DEPARTURE FROM LIFE. THE EXPLOSION IS TREMULOUS – LIKE, FELT IN JAPAN TWO HOURS LATER. EVERY AGENT IN THE FIRST ROW IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES. WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE STANDING ALIVE. ANIS IS ON FIRE. HE PUTS HIMSELF OUT AND RUNS UP TO THE STAGE. MATT IS UNSCATHED AND SHOUTS FOR ANIS.
TO THE SHOCK OF EVERYONE, A MILITARY POSSE CHARGE INTO THE BARBECUE OF FLAMING PEOPLE. HEH, IRONY. THEY BEGIN TO MACHINE GUN THE ASSEMBLED AGENTS. CHAOS AND SCREAMS ENSUE. LUCKILY, A YOUNG FEMALE AGENT VITORINO HAS A GRENADE, WHICH SHE THROWS AT THE POSSE. DUE TO THEIR MACHINE GUN FIRE THEY DO NOT NOTICE THE GRENADE LAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM. THEY KILL SEVERAL AGENTS BEFORE LUCKILY BEING BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS BY THE SINGLE GRENADE. THUS FOLLOWS A MAHOOSIVE EXPLOSION AS ALL OF THE GUN MEN HAD A STICKY BOMB ON THEM.
NOW ONLY TEN PEOPLE ARE LEFT STANDING ALIVE, INCLUDING MATT AND ANIS. MATT IS STUNNED, ANIS IS TRYING TO GET BACK ON HIS FEET. A BEARDED AGENT HAMZA IS TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THE SITUATION.
HAMZA
Doreen…
AGENT DOREEN LOOKS AT HIM IN SHOCK.
HAMZA
What was Anis shouting before the bomb blew up?
DOREEN
I don’t know, I…
HAMZA
He was running to the stage, and then all hell broke loose…there was a bomb under that stage…and…he knew.
DOREEN
We’re bringing him in.
THEY FIND SOME WEAPONS STREWN ON THE GROUND AND AIM THEIR GUNS AT ANIS.
ANIS IS STAGGERING OVER TO MATT.
ANIS
I was too late…I…
BANG! A SHOT GOES PAST HIS HEAD SO HE DROPS TO THE GROUND AND ROLLS.
MATT
We’re being shot at!!
HAMZA AND DOREEN CONTINUE FIRING AT THEM.
MATT
Shit, man we gotta get outta here, they think you did this!!
ANIS
Fuck!
THEY RUN CROUCHED OVER TO A RANDOM CAR. MATT BREAKS IN.
MATT
Get in!
ANIS
Hang on!
ANIS EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO CLAMBER INTO THE DRIVING SEAT AND START THE CAR.
HAMZA
Fuck, he’s getting away!
DOREEN REACTS FRANTICALLY.
HAMZA
Quick, the car!
THEY SPRINT OVER TO ANOTHER CAR AND START THE ENGINE.
SCENE EIGHT:
EXT. KNIGHTSBRIDGE STREETS - DAY
WE’RE BACK IN ANIS’ CAR. ANIS IS DRIVING FAST AND MATT HAS THE ONLY WEAPON BETWEEN THEM. THEY ZOOM UP BROMPTON ROAD.
MATT
Break right!
ANIS SWERVES RIGHT BEFORE HARROD’S WITH DEFT EXPERT PRECISION.
MATT
That’s it, down the back roads of Harrods, we should lose them.
ANIS
Aw, shit! They’re behind us!
MATT
Ah, bollocks! Go straight onto Sloane Street.
ANIS DOES. HE WEAVES THROUGH THE SLOW MOVING CARS, BUT DOES NOT LOSE HAMZA AND DOREEN.
IN THEIR CAR:
DOREEN
Don’t lose them, Hamza,
HAMZA
Use your gun, dammit, woman!
DOREEN
Ah, alright, ok!
DOREEN POPS HER HEAD AND ARM OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND STARTS SHOOTING.
MATT RETURNS THE FIRE, BUT DOES NOT WISH TO HARM THEM. ANIS GETS TO SLOANE SQUARE.
MATT
Left! Left! Left!
ANIS STEERS LEFT, BUT SWERVES SO HARD HE GOES INTO A 360 SLIDE.
ANIS
Shit-shit-shit-shit!
MATT
SH-SH-SH-SH-SH!
ANIS
Shou-shou-shou-shou-
MATT
Shhhhhhhh
ANIS
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
MATT
Turn left, fuck’s sake!
ANIS MANAGES TO MANOEUVRE THE CAR DOWN THE ROAD WHICH MATT POINTED OUT. MATT FIRES OFF A FEW SHOTS TO DAMAGE HAMZA’S FOLLOWING CAR. DOREEN LETS OFF A SHOT WHICH SMASHES THE PASSENGER MIRROR.
MATT
Whooooar!
SUDDENLY MATT’S HEAD CLUNKS ONTO THE CEILING OF THE CAR.
MATT
Fucking speed bumps!
ANIS
Sit tight, these go on for ages!
MATT
Fuck’s sake!
THEY BOTH BOUNCE UP AND DOWN REPEATEDLY HITTING THEIR HEADS ON THE CEILING. THEY BOTH WINCE IN UNISON.
MATT
Wait, I got an idea!
ANIS
What do you mean, ‘wait’? Wait for what? I’m not stopping this car, if that’s what you’re asking.
MATT UNDOES HIS SEATBELT AND FEARLESSLY HURLS HALF HIS BODY OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW.
ANIS
What are you doing, you crazy bastard?
MATT
Just keep going straight!
DOREEN TRIES TO KILL MATT BUT AS HAMZA IS DRIVING DOWN THIS SPEEDBUMPED ROAD ALL HER SHOTS GO WIDE BECAUSE THEY TOO ARE ALSO BOUNCING UP AND DOWN.
MATT STRETCHES OUT HIS ARMS. FOR SOME REASON THERE IS A WOODEN CART HOLDING THOUSANDS OF FRUIT. AS MATT IS DRIVEN PAST IT, HE TAKES OUT A VITAL SUPPORT OF THE FRUIT CART CAUSING THE ENTIRE STALL TO FALL BACKWARDS INTO THE ROAD SENDING THOUSANDS OF APPLES, ORANGES, LYCHEES, PINEAPPLES, WATERMELONS, AND MANY OTHER FRUITS INTO THE AIR, SO THEY LAND ON HAMZA’S CAR.
MATT THROWS UP HIS FIST IN TRIUMPH.
MATT
Eat fruit! LITERALLY! Contribute to your 5 a day
ANIS
You know, perhaps we should stop trying to make a killer gag each time we do something successful, oh wait hang on look at that, they’re still chasing us.
I WOULD HARDLY CONSIDER THAT A KILLER GAG.
THE COLLAPSING FRUIT CART HAS DONE NOTHING TO SLOW DOWN HAMZA’S CAR AND THEY ARE STILL FOLLOWING THEM.
MATT
Whaaaaat?
ANIS
THAT was your idea? Stopping them with fruit? They’re in a car, you moron!
AMIDST THE SPLATTERED FRUIT STANDS THE MUSTASCHIOED ARAB CART OWNER, WHO LOOKS LIKE BORAT. HE SHAKES HIS FIST ANGRILY AFTER THE CARS, SCOWLING AND CURSING.
IN HAMZA’S CAR, THE WINDSCREEN IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE THROUGH, SO NOW BOTH OF THEM HAVE TO STICK THEIR HEADS OUT OF THE MOVING CAR.
HAMZA
Shoot ’em!
IN ANIS’ CAR
MATT
Do a right here,
ANIS
Where we going?
THE CAR SCREECHES ONTO A MAIN ROAD
MATT
Go down the stairs!
ANIS
That’s the tube station!
MATT
DO IT!
ANIS
You crazy little…AAAAH!
ANIS STEERS LEFT SO HE POPS DOWN INTO THE UNDERGROUND.
HAMZA’S CAR POPS OUT OF THE STREET AND STOPS.
HAMZA, WITH HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW, LOOKS ROUND FRANTICALLY FOR ANIS’ CAR.
SEVERAL PEOPLE SCREAM COMING OUT OF THE UNDERGROUND. HAMZA IS CONFUSED.
ANIS’S CAR IS IN THE TUBE STATION. ANIS IS POUNDING ON HIS HORN, AND DOING 50MPH. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND DIVE TO AVOID THE CAR.
BACK TO HAMZA LOOKING CONFUSED AT THE SCREAMING PEOPLE COMING FROM THE UNDERGROUND STATION. A LOOK OF REALISATION COMES ON HIS FACE.
HAMZA
Oh no they didn’t…
BACK IN VICTORIA TUBE STATION. CAR IS SPEEDING WILDLY, WEAVING FRANTICALLY THROUGH THE CROWD.
MATT
Alright now up these stairs
BACK TO HAMZA.
HAMZA
Doreen, they’ve driven into the underground, we have to…
DOREEN
Oh my god, look behind you!
HAMZA TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE PUSHING AND RUNNING OUT OF THE TUBE STATION ENTRANCE NEAREST TO VICTORIA TRAIN STATION. SUDDENLY TO EVERYONE’S DISBELIEF ANIS’ CAR FLIES UP INTO THE AIR FROM THE STATION, THE STAIRS LEADING OUT HAVING BEEN USED AS A RAMP. WE GET A SHOT OF A MAN IN SOME STUPID BUNNY COSTUME HANDING OUT FLYERS IN FRONT OF THE STATION JUST TAKE THIS IN AS THE CAR FLIES OVER HIS HEAD. HE DROPS HIS STACK OF FLYERS. THE CAR SAILS MAGNIFICENTLY THROUGH THE AIR IN SLOW MOTION AND CRASHES INTO THE ARCHITECTURE OF THE STATION. WE GET A REACTION SHOT OF TRAVELLERS INSIDE VICTORIA STATION OBSERVING THE CAR BURST THROUGH THE WALL FIFTEEN FEET ABOVE THEM. THE CAR IS SUSPENDED IN THE WALL, HALF ON THE INSIDE, HALF ON THE OUTSIDE.
SCENE NINE:
INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY
INSIDE THE CAR.
MATT
Alright, what should we do now?
ANIS
We need to get the fuck out of here!
MATT
Feel like taking the train?
ANIS SMILES.
ANIS
Now that’s more like it, Mr McLeron
MATT
It’s a pleasure to be back, Mr Seabourne
MATT LOOKS OUT OF THE BACK WINDOW.
MATT
Dude, Hamza and Doreen are still after us.
THEY ARE.
ANIS
You’re plan to lose them went a bit sideways.
MATT
Enh, what we gonna do about them?
ANIS
Let’s split up, we need to be on…
SCANS TRAIN TIMES ON BIG BOARD IN CENTRE OF THE STATION
MATT
Platform sixteen, it’s going to Croydon, I know a place where we can lay low.
ANIS
Right, sixteen it is, then.
MATT
You got a gun?
ANIS
Nope.
MATT
Here, have this.
ANIS CHECKS OUT MATT’S GUN.
ANIS
No bullets left…
MATT
I know, let’s hope you won’t have to fire it.
ANIS
Alright, let’s mosey.
MATT
Yes, let’s get a wriggle on.
THEY BOTH GET OUT OF THE CAR AND JUMP DOWN TO THE GROUND, THEIR MOVEMENTS FOLLOWED BY THE EYES OF HUNDREDS OF PUZZLED COMMUTERS.
MATT
Good luck, Anis!
SUDDENLY
HAMZA
FREEEEZE!
HAMZA AND DOREEN ARE STANDING BEHIND THEM, ABOUT TEN METRES AWAY, GUNS POINTING TOWARDS THE DUO.
MATT AND ANIS TURN AND LOOK AT THEM. THEN THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEN THEY BOTH RUN IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.
HAMZA
Fucking…Ugh!
HE SHOOTS AFTER THEM.
HAMZA (TO DOREEN)
You take Matt, I’ll get Anis.
MATT HAS GONE EAST TOWARDS WHSMITHS. DOREEN CHASES AFTER HIM AND FIRES. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND IN BLIND PANIC EITHER GET IN BOTH OF THEIR WAYS OR DROP TO THE GROUND. MATT IS FORCED TO TAKE THE ESCALATOR UP. HE CROUCHES DOWN SO HE CAN’T BE VISIBLE OVER THE BANNISTERS. AS HE GETS TO THE TOP OF THE ESCALATOR, DOREEN REACHES THE ESCALATOR AND SHOOTS UP AT HIM.
MATT
Ah fuck!
HE CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED, AND PASSES A TRAMP BEGGING. MATT HAS AN IDEA AND REACHES INTO HIS POCKET FOR SOME CHANGE. HE THROWS DOWN CASH ON THE FLOOR AND CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED. THE TRAMP MOANS AND CRAWLS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES TO GET THE CHANGE. DOREEN RUNS ENERGETICALLY OFF THE ESCALATOR AND IMMEDIATELY TRIPS OVER THE CRAWLING TRAMP AND LANDS SOME METRES AWAY ON HER FACE, GUN SCATERRING, AMMO SPILLING. WE GET A SHOT OF MATT’S FACE AS HE’S RUNNING AND HIS GRIN AS HE HEARS DOREEN’S YELP BEHIND HIM. HE KEEPS RUNNING, NOT LOOKING BACK, AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND TO AVOID A STALL IN HIS PATH. HIS MOMENTUM CARRIES HIM SLIDING ON HIS BACK UNDER THE STALL AND AS SOON AS HE PASSES UNDER IT, HE LEAPS BACK UP AND JUMPS HEADLONG THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW AND LANDS IN A FORWARD ROLL ON THE FLOOR BELOW ON PLATFORM SIXTEEN, CHEST HEAVING, AND PICKING THE GLASS FROM HIS HANDS.
MATT
Alright, Anis, where are you, dude?
SCENE TEN:
INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY
ANIS IS RUNNING AWAY FROM HAMZA. ANIS IS RUNNING TO THE WEST SIDE OF THE STATION WHERE THEY HAVE A SUPERDRUG AND STARBUCKS.
ANIS
Shit!
HAMZA IS SHOOTING AT ANIS.
COMMUTERS SCREAM.
ANIS RUNS INTO SUPERDRUG AND WITH A WINK STEALS SHAMPOO OUT OF THE HANDS OF AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE EMPLOYEE CALLED BIANCA THEN RUNS OUT GRABBING A LIGHTER AND DEODORANT.
WE CUT BACK TO BIANCA, SWOONING OVER ANIS’ HANDSOME ABILITY TO CHANNEL 007.
THE MANAGER SHOUTS AFTER HIM BUT ANIS IS OUTTA THERE. HAMZA RUNS INTO THE STORE HURRIEDLY, GUN DRAWN. THE MANAGER SOBS PATHETICALLY.
ANIS IS OUTSIDE SQUEEZING OUT THE ENTIRE SHAMPOO BOTTLE. HAMZA SPEEDS OUT OF THE STORE AND LOSES HIS BALANCE ON THE SHAMPOO. HIS LEGS KICK OUT WILDLY AND HE FLAILS HIS ARMS TO KEEP BALANCE. ANIS LOBS THE EMPTY SHAMPOO BOTTLE AT HAMZA’S HEAD SO HE LOSES HIS BALANCE. HAMZA FALLS OVER. ANIS RUNS AWAY, BUT HAMZA IS GETTING UP AFTER HIM. HAMZA CATCHES UP WITH ANIS AND THROWS HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW OF STARBUCKS.
ANIS
ARGH! Dude, I’ve only got one shoe on: there’s glass! I could cut my feet, you over-zealous twat!
ANIS GETS UP AND THROWS SYRUP BOTTLES AT HAMZA WHILE COFFEE DRINKERS WATCH AMUSED. MANAGEMENT ISN’T SO HAPPY AND CALLS THE POLICE. HAMZA GETS CLOSE ENOUGH TO ANIS TO PUNCH HIM IN THE CHEST. ANIS GOES DOWN BUT SCRABBLES UNDER A TABLE. HAMZA MAKES HIS WAY TO THE TABLE. ANIS IS CROUCHED UNDER AND LIFTS THE TABLE INTO HAMZA’S FACE KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND, TRAPPING HIM UNDER THE TABLE. HAMZA SNARLS ANGRILY AND TRIES TO EXTRICATE HIMSELF, AND EVENTUALLY ANIS IS FORCED OVER AND HAMZA FREES HIMSELF. ANIS TRIES GOING FOR HAMZA’S GUN ON THE GROUND, BUT IS BATTED IN THE FACE BY A FORCEFULLY SWUNG STOOL. ANIS FALLS TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING HIS FACE, AND HAMZA TRAPS ANIS UNDER THE STOOL.
ANIS
Ah, ow, man!
HAMZA
You fucking nutcase! I’m bringing you in, for conspiracy to destroy GA943!
ANIS
It wasn’t me! I’ve been set up! I was trying to stop the bomb from going off!
HAMZA
And the armed men who shot everyone apart from you? Just lucky were you? We’re all dead, Nicola, Joey, Farhad, M, Delicia, they are all dead!
ANIS
Farhad and Oscar were investigating into David Thornevil, he’s into oil, the same oil used with the sticky bombs used to blow up the barbecue, the same sticky bombs, I might add, that were used to steal the Shibboleth device, the same sticky bombs that all the armed gunmen were carrying, it’s plain to see, this is all connected! I’ve been set up!
HAMZA
You’re coming back with us. Division are sending some people along to clean up this mess, it’s on dispatch.
ANIS
Who?
HAMZA
DICs Karen and Lawratu will be taking control over GA943 at least until this gets sorted out.
ANIS
I’m not coming back, especially if Karen and Lawratu are in charge. I need to clear my name. I’m on the team, I know as soon as I come with you, I’ll wake up in a cell, you need to let me go.
HAMZA
You need to come with us!
ANIS
Then I have no choice!
ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES.
HAMZA
Ow man, that burns! How was THAT even gonna work? That’s bloody deodorant, not pepper spray…ah!
HAMZA USES ONE HAND TO COVER ONE OF HIS STINGING EYES.
ANIS
Sorry, lighter didn’t go off.
ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES, BUT NOW THE LIGHTER GOES OFF AND HE SUCCESSFULLY FLAMBEES HAMZA’S FACE. HAMZA FALLS BACK AND CLUTCHES HIS GLOWING FACE.
ANIS
You thought it burned before? Heheh.
COFFEE DRINKER NAMED DANIEL
Erm…you just scarred a man for life…and you’re making bad jokes? Isn’t that sort of inappropriately glib?
ANIS
What if I had made a good joke?
DANIEL LOOKS THOUGHTFUL.
DANIEL
That could work
ANIS TAKES HAMZA’S GUN AND HURRIES TO THE TRAIN PLATFORMS. DOREEN SPOTS HIM FROM THE FLOOR ABOVE AND FIRES AT HIM.
ANIS JUMPS FROM THE SHOT AND RUNS FASTER, SWEARING.
HE SPIES MATT WAITING AT PLATFORM SIXTEEN. THE TRAIN IS ABOUT TO GO. MATT IS HOLDING THE DOOR DELAYING EVERYONE. SOME TRANSPORT FOR LONDON OFFICIALS ARE MAKING THEIR WAY TOWARDS HIM. ANIS SPEEDS UP TO THE TRAIN DOORS AND HOPS ON. MATT LETS GO OF THE DOORS AND THE TRAIN LEAVES BEFORE THE TRANSPORT OFFICIALS CAN STOP THEM. ON THE PLATFORM DOREEN LOOKS FRANTICALLY FOR THEM, NOT KNOWING WHERE THEY HAVE GONE. SHE GIVES UP AND CALLS IT IN.
SCENE ELEVEN:
INT. MATT’S CROYDON HIDEOUT. – NIGHT
DÉCOR IS MINIMAL TO REDUCE SHOOTING COSTS.
MATT AND ANIS ARE BOTH ON SEPARATE LAPTOPS SEARCHING THE INTERNET TO RESEARCH DAVID THORNEVIL.
MATT
Ah, the internet: the most overused Deus Ex Machina when it comes to plot progression from lazy screenwriting.
ANIS
Stop talking like that. It’s as bad as when characters in a movie say some shit like ‘Oh, it’s like we’ll be in a movie’
MATT
So no luck finding any dirt on David?
ANIS
You know what we need?
MATT
If you’re worried that we don’t have enough firepower, I’ve got a Walther P99 and a shotgun behind the fridge.
ANIS
Well that’s good, but no, I was first thinking that I need a shoe.
MATT LOOKS AT ANIS’ BARE FOOT AND LAUGHS.
MATT
Why did you leave it at the barbecue?
ANIS
The bomb, innit.
MATT
Alright, fine, but yeah what do we need now?
ANIS
I need to talk to T.
MATT
Do you think he’ll trust you?
ANIS
He has to, he must know who the bombs belong to, or at least he’ll know they have got nothing to do with me.
MATT
Well, why wouldn’t he say something? I know him, he’d speak out on something like this.
ANIS
Mate, things changed when you left.
MATT
How?
ANIS
It’s that Karen and Lawratu, they run it like Captain Bligh, they are Division squarejaws. They temporarily ran things when M was having her tooth unsnaggled. They’re a couple of powerhouses. Lawratu’s tough…and ruthless, Karen’s rough…and toothless.
MATT
Well re: T situation, you’re going out on a limb here, man, how are we going to contact him?
ANIS
I’ll think of something…let’s get something to eat.
MATT
What ya thinkin’, Maccy Ds?
ANIS
How about a bit o’ key-bab?
MATT
Sure, gimme a sec to get my jacket.
ANIS TURNS ON THE TV AND FLICKS THROUGH THE ADVERTS
TV
*bzzz* Making life taste better *bzzz* are you a homeowner *bzzz* waiting to die? Then call *bzzz* to me, Reverend Ramsey Hassan on 0980 24 *bzzz* rapid chat, a new way of servicing your needs *bzzz* daily express delivery! *bzzz* my name is judge *bzzz*
ANIS
Just adverts…
ANIS TURNS OFF TV AND PREPARES TO LEAVE. HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES HIS FEET.
ANIS
Matt!
MATT
What?
ANIS
Don’t worry about leaving, I only got one shoe.
MATT
Oh yeah, shame. Have to get a delivery
SCENE TWELVE:
INT. GA943 - NIGHT
AN IMPORTANT MEETING IS BEING HELD. KAREN AND LAWRATU, TWO IMPOSING WOMEN ARE HEADING UP THE TASK FORCE AND HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED BY DIVISION TO TAKE CONTROL OF EVERYBODY. THE REMAINING AGENTS OF GA943 LISTEN ATTENTIVELY.
KAREN
From now on, no one even blinks without my permission.
AGENT EMMA
Permission to blink, DCI Karen!
KAREN
Permission…denied.
LAWRATU
I want to know everything we can about Anis Seabourne.
KAREN
I want a list of all phone calls he’s made in the last twelve years.
LAWRATU
Cross check that with the phone calls of every known terrorist.
KAREN
I want bank accounts frozen.
LAWRATU
I want passports stopped.
KAREN
Thanks to information gathered from Hamza, we know that the story Anis’ll be pushing is that he’s been set up.
WE SEE HAMZA FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HIS RUN IN WITH THE LYNX CAN. HIS FACE IS COMPLETELY BURNT, EXCEPT AN UNSCATHED BIT IN THE MIDDLE IN A PERFECT OUTLINE OF HAMZA’S HAND.
LAWRATU
And by the way, sorry Hamza, you can’t go home, yes I know your face has been burnt off, but, as you can see, we’re a little understaffed.
HAMZA INSTINCTIVELY RUBS HIS HAND, WHICH IS JUST AS BURNT AS THE BURNS ON HIS FACE. IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS EVEN TO THOSE WHO CAN’T FOLLOW A LINEAR PLOT NARRATIVE THAT HAMZA COVERED HIS FACE WITH HIS HAND BEFORE GETTING SET ON FIRE, HENCE COOKED HAND AND BIZARRE LOOKING HANDPRINT OF CLARITY ON HIS FACE.
KAREN
No one leaves.
LAWRATU
Or thinks about leaving.
KAREN
Until we have Anis and his accomplice in a cell.
LAWRATU
Now we are going to be bringing in some of our own people, if you could place the passcodes to all files on our desks to allow our people to assess the situation as fast and as obliging as possible
READ OFF AGENT OSCAR’S UNEASY LOOK.
SCENE THIRTEEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT
SOME TIME LATER.
MATT
Mate, I’ve got it!
ANIS
Go on.
MATT
We use Wikipedia.
ANIS
How? What for?
MATT
To communicate with T! Trust me it’s quite a leap, but we’re losing nothing by trying, come on now.
ANIS
Knock yourself out.
MATT
Right, here’s what we do, we go to wiki, under GA943, go to the T page and leave him a message.
ANIS
Alright, fingers crossed.
MATT (TYPING AND READING)
‘T, we need to meet you, Seabourne’
ANIS
Good, but it’s a little obvious, how about we encode it. How many letters is that message?
MATT
25, perfect for a Caesar square code.
ANIS
Do it.
MATT ENCODES THE MESSAGE. THIS MEANS MAKING A 5 X 5 SQUARE WITH THE 25 LETTERS MAKING A SQUARE SO THE MESSAGE READS VERTICALLY. IT LOOKS LIKE:
T E E U O
W D E S U
E T T E R
N O Y A N
E M O B E
THEN MATT PLACES THE HORIZONTALLY READ MESSAGE ‘TEEUOWDESUETTERNOYANEMOBE’ ON THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE.
MATT
Done!
ANIS
Check my page, maybe someone’s had the same idea.
MATT
Checking…there’s nothing except…you went out with Joey for 8 years?
ANIS
THAT’S on there?
MATT
Yep…and you still wet the bed??
ANIS
Whaaaaat? That’s not on there, you’re lying.
ANIS HURRIES TO THE COMPUTER AND IS PROVED RIGHT.
ANIS
Yerafool!
MATT
Hey, I can easily edit this so it says you do.
ANIS
Wait, what’s that?
MATT
Where?
ANIS
‘Anis, I know who’s responsible for the attack, meet me Monday morning at Waterloo, Oscar’
MATT
Oscar?
ANIS
How did you miss that?
MATT
Oscar didn’t die in the explosion with everybody else?
ANIS
It would appear so.
MATT
What information could he have?
ANIS
He and Farhad were investigating David Thornevil, now Farhad is dead along with most of our agents, and I’ve been framed. I should go see him, I think he could be a help.
MATT
Oh my god, look, T’s already replied!
THE MESSAGE READS ‘AEWNIONTESNNIMSTEDSETEAAMAMRMYETINMT’
MATT
Right, 36 letters, makes a 6 by 6 square, just a few seconds…
HE MAKES THIS SQUARE
A E W N I O
N T E S N N
I M S T E D
S E T E A A
M A M R M Y
E T I N M T
HE WRITES THE VERTICAL MESSAGE OUT IN FULL. IT SAYS:
‘ANISMEETMEATWESTMINSTERNINEAMMONDAYT’
MATT
Anis, meet me at Westminster, nine a.m. Monday, T
ANIS
Excellent…I just hope he brings a shoe for my damn foot.
MATT
Shit, it’s all happening, innit?? Right I’ve had enough for one day, mate, I’m gonna sleep.
THEY SPUD GOOD NIGHT.
SCENE FOURTEEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT
ANIS CAN’T SLEEP. HE GOES INTO THE HALLWAY
ANIS
Why me…why me? I need a good…I need a good…other shoe.
ANIS STEALS MATT’S SLIPPERS AND GOES DOWNSTAIRS TO A BAR. A VAMPY AND IMPOSING YET ATTRACTIVE BLONDE GIRL SITS CONFIDENTLY NEXT TO HIM
GIRL
Buy me a drink?
ANIS
Not in the mood.
GIRL
You know, you look familiar.
ANIS MAKES A SLIGHT MOVEMENT TO TURN AWAY FROM HER, REJECTING HER.
GIRL
Your name’s Anis, right?
ANIS’ EYES GO ROUND. A LOUD NOTE PLAYS.
ANIS
Who are you?
GIRL
I’m Lauren.
STING OF MUSIC, FADE TO BLACK.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
OPEN UP FROM BLACK.
INT. A MODERN METALLIC OFFICE - NIGHT
THE CAMERA MOVES ONTO A BLACK GLOVE. THE FINGERS OF THE GLOVE EXTEND MENACINGLY TO A KEYBOARD AND FLICK SOME KEYS. DAVID THORNEVIL FLICKS UP ON THE MONITOR.
DAVID
The mole has been planted, sir.
MYSTERIOUS GLOVED PRESUMABLY MAN BECAUSE DAVID REFERRED TO HIM AS SIR
Gooood. Mooha…hmooha…Moohahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
END OF ACT ONE.
COME BACK HERE WEDNESDAY THE 3RD OF SEPTEMBER FOR THE SECOND PART OF THIS THREE PART ACTION FILM. WILL ANIS PREVAIL? WILL HE SEND THE BAD GUYS TO JAIL? OR WILL HE FAIL? HOPEFULLY I’LL LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.
I just made a little joke because I’m about to ‘abscond’.
READS FROM HER BLANK LOOK.
ANIS
Abscond means leave.
NOA
I know what abscond means, you idiot, how are you making jokes after what you’ve just done?
ANIS
Waaaa, weeeell just thought it’d lighten the situation, y’know, it is kinda harsh how I’m leaving you, we just had sex, but point t’is, I gotta go to work, they are waiting for me, and, yes I know how it looks, but I’m afraid I have to go
NOA
Excuse me, do you have any idea who I am?
ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO FEAR.
ANIS
Oh god, not another call girl, look, just because I’m a high ranking government official, trust me, the –
NOA
How dare you think I’m a call girl, just because you are ‘high wanking’
ANIS
Ah shit, sorry, I-
NOA
QUIET!
ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO MILD ALARM AS NOA PRODUCES A GUN.
NOA
Not so talkative now, uh?
ANIS
Look, love, you think you’re the first girl to pull a gun on me?
NOA
You not interested why I’ve pulled a gun on you?
ANIS
Well if you wanted to tell me, I’m sure you’re about to.
NOA
You have no idea the world of shit you are in, right now, Sea-
ANIS MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT. HE STAMPS ON THE FLOORBOARD THEY ARE STANDING ON SO SHE IS JERKED UPWARDS. AT THE SAME TIME SHE FIRES THE GUN AT HIM, BUT HER AIM IS THROWN OFF TARGET BY THE MOVEMENT OF THE FLOORBOARD. THE BULLET MISSES ANIS AND SMASHES A MIRROR. BEFORE SHE HAS TIME TO EVEN REALISE WHAT HAS HAPPENED, ANIS IS WRESTLING THE GUN FROM HER. THEY BOTH HOLD ON TIGHT, AND IN THE STRUGGLE ANIS ENDS UP THROWING HER ONTO THE BED, CAUSING THEM TO BOTH LOSE THEIR GRIP ON THE GUN WHICH IS THROWN UPWARDS. THE BED LIFTS UP INTO THE WALL, CONVENIENTLY (COS IT’S ONE OF THOSE RANDOM WALL BEDS YOU ONLY SEE IN FILMS LIKE ROGER RABBIT AND THAT) AND NOA SCREAMS AS THE BED SPRINGS UP TO TRAP HER INSIDE THE WALL. ANIS WAS THROWN OFF BALANCE FROM THROWING HER ON THE BED AND HAS STAGGERED OVER AND SPINS ON HIS KNEE, CATCHING THE TOSSED GUN IN THE AIR AND FIRES THREE BULLETS INTO THE BED WALL THINGY CATHARTICALLY. ALL THIS TOOK UNDER TEN SECONDS.
ANIS
Once, twice, three times a lady…with a dry cool wit like that I could be an action hero.
ANIS CAUSUALLY BRUSHES SOME DIRT OFF HIS KNEE, TAKES APART THE GUN, POCKETS HIS PHONE AND LEAVES WITH HIS BRIEFCASE.
SCENE FIVE:
EXT. SWEDISH LOG CABIN - DAY
TRACK ANIS TO HIS BEAUTIFUL GREY ASTON MARTIN. HE OPENS THE DRIVER’S SIDE AND CHUCKS HIS BRIEFCASE HAPHAZARDLY ONTO THE PASSENGER SEAT. HE STARTS HIS CAR AND DRIVES OFF. CUE SEABOURNE THEME. AS HE’S DRIVING, HE SPOTS A RAPIDLY APPROACHING MOTORBIKE. HE FROWNS. IT GAINS ON HIM AND EVENTUALLY THE VEHICLES ARE SIDE BY SIDE. THE MOTORBIKE DRIVER’S HAIR BILLOWS OUT IN THE WIND. THE BIKER REMOVES THEIR HELMET. IT’S NOA.
ANIS
For crying out loud, I’m running late, let me go woman.
AS HIS WINDOWS ARE CLOSED AND THEY ARE DRIVING AT HIGH SPEED HE NEED NOT HAVE SAID THAT BECAUSE NOA WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HEAR HIM. ESPECIALLY NOT OVER THE LOUD DRAMATIC BRASS MUSIC THAT’S PLAYING ON THE SOUNDTRACK RIGHT NOW. NOA WAS UNABLE TO FIX THE GUN ANIS TOOK APART AT THE LOG CABIN, SO SHE RESORTS TO USING A FLAMETHROWER. SHE ENGULFS THE CAR IN FLAMES
ANIS
What the f…
ANIS BRAKES, THEN REVERSES. NOA HAS TO TURN THE BIKE AROUND. SHE WATCHES BEMUSED AS HE REVERSES 100 METRES AND STOPS. SHE REVS THE BIKE. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON HIS BACK WHEEL AS IT SUDDENLY SPINS. A FEW SECONDS LATER THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD AND KEEPS GOING. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON NOA’ BIKE’S BACK WHEEL. SHE ACCELERATES FORWARD. THEY ARE BOTH HEADING FOR EACH OTHER.
ANIS
Come on, come on hit me!
WE HAVE AN OVERHEAD AS THEY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER. NOA TRIES TO BAIL FROM THE BIKE, BUT MISJUDGES HER TIMING AND SHE LANDS ON ANIS’ FLAMING CAR. SHE SCREAMS IN PAIN FROM THE BLAZING HEAT AND ANGRILY TRIES TO BATTER HER WAY INTO THE CAR. ANIS SWERVES AND THEN PULLS DOWN THE HAND BRAKE CAUSING NOA TO BE THROWN FULLY OFF THE CAR AND INTO A TREE, THE IMPACT OF WHICH KILLS HER.
ANIS
“‘Once, twice, TREE times a lady’ Anis quipped.” Gosh I wish someone could have heard that…when else could anyone have possibly made a pun like that work, she was a lady, got killed by a tree, took me two tries to kill her...maybe I should have made a joke along the lines that her bark was worse than her bite…because trees have bark…well heheh, I don’t ARBOR any grudge against her, I was TREESED to meet her and now I have to LEAF…wait, who am I talking to?
ANIS FROWNS AS HE SEES NOA GET UP.
ANIS
What the hell, you’re unarmed, why didn’t you just act dead, I was about to leave.
AS SHE FLEW A LONG DISTANCE AND ANIS’ CAR HAS A LOT OF DEFENSES, NOA CAN’T HEAR WHAT ANIS IS SAYING. NOA TAKES OFF HER MOTORCYCLE JACKET AND STAGGERS OVER TO ANIS’ CAR, WHERE THE FLAMES HAVE MOSTLY DIED DOWN. ANIS WATCHES HER APPROACH CURIOUSLY. NOA GETS OVER TO THE CAR AND MOTIONS FOR ANIS TO ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW. ANIS GRUDGINGLY DOES SO. HE IMMEDIATELY REGRETS THIS AS NOA THROWS A GRENADE INSIDE.
ANIS
Ah shit, what the hell!
ANIS ACTS FAST. HE STARTS THE CAR, WHICH MAKES NOA LAUGH. HE SPEEDS OFF, BUT FLICKS A SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD. WE SEE SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE SHOOT OUT OF THE CAR’S SIDE. HE GRABS THE BRIEFCASE AND OPENS THE CAR DOOR SLIGHTLY. HE FLICKS ANOTHER SMALL SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD CAUSING THE CAR TO CONTINUE DRIVING FORWARD. HE DIVES OUT OF THE CAR DIRTYING HIS JACKET. WE CUT TO NOA WHO NOTICES SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE ATTACHED TO HER FLIES. AFTER SHE FOLLOWS THE PATH OF THE WIRE WITH HER EYES, IT DAWNS ON HER THAT IT IS THE GRAPPLING HOOK FROM A WIRE PITON SHOT FROM THE ASTON MARTIN. SHE SQUEALS AS THE CAR DRAGS HER ALONG THE GRAVEL INTO THE WOODED AREA WHERE ANIS JUMPED OUT, ONLY TO FIND HERSELF GETTING PULLED OFF A CLIFF. SHE SEES THE CAR FALLING TO THE BOTTOM AS SHE SAILS HORRIFIED INTO THE ABYSS. THE CAR EXPLODES JUST BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND, THE GRENADE FINALLY HAVING GONE OFF. SHE FALLS SCREAMING INTO THE FIREBALL AND HOPEFULLY DIES.
ANIS GETS TO THE CLIFF EDGE AND THINKS A GOOD LINE WOULD BE
ANIS
Third time’s a charm…oh, no wait, even better: third time’s a HARM…Ah that was just awesome.
IT DAWNS ON HIM THAT HE HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE, AND HE’S ALREADY RUNNING LATE.
CUT TO ANIS MISERABLY FEELING OVERDRESSED AS HE HITCHES A LIFT WITH A BUNCH OF IMMIGRANTS IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK WITH RANDOM CHICKENS CLUCKING, LOOKING FAIRLY RIDICULOUS IN HIS TUXEDO WITH THE ALL THE RAGGED PEOPLE.
WE NOW GO TO AN ELABORATE OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE WHERE SILHOUETTES CANOODLE TO A POWER BALLAD WITH SLIGHTLY OUT OF PLACE TRUMPETS WHICH GOES:
SHIBBOLETH!
THE TITLE’S REALLY VAGUE
SHIBBOLETH!
DOESN’T STAR DANIEL CRAIG
THE WORLD IS JUST LEARNING
AND ONLY HE CAN SAVE IT
FROM ITS EARLY BURNING
BY THE MOST EVIL DAVID
SHIBBOLETH!
ACTION FILM FEATURING GAP STAFF
SHIBBOLETH!
THE AUTHOR WANTS YOU TO LAUGH
IF YOU ARE FACING DEATH
AND HAVE NO HOPE LEFT
SEABOURNE WILL RESCUE
THOSE WITH OPTIONS BEREFT
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE IMPRESSED
’CAUSE HE’S SIMPLY THE BEST
I‘M ACTUALLY QUITE OBSESSED
THAT’S IT, I’VE CONFESSED
WE’RE SO LUCKY TO BE BLESSED
WITH SUCH A MAN OF INTEREST
BUT I HAVE DIGRESSED
BECAUSE EVEN HE CANNOT JEST
AT HIS MOST GRUESOME TEST
WILL HE DIE AT THE HANDS OF SHIBBOLETH?
SHIBBOLETH!
SHIBBOLETH!!!
SHIIIIB…
…BOOO…
…LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH!!!!!!!
Starring:
Carlos Bernard as Anis Seabourne
Eugene Levy as Matt McLeron
Cameron Diaz as Lauren Ordresveyoo
Alan Dale as David Thornevil
Milo Ventiglima as Oscar Mingetease
Blake Lively as Isis Connollyngus
Sandra Bullock as Atia Shahft
Chi McBride as Blake Leator
Mark Ruffalo as Khusty
Megan Fox as Shafa Cakes
Naveen Andrews as Hamza McCainsh
Halle Berry as Doreen Lopez
Richard Ayoade as Reverend Ramsey Hassan
Lily Allen as Marigold (or M)
Denzel Washington as Tobe (or T)
Jojo as Delicia
Michael Jackson as Farhad
Matt Dillon as Phil
Rachel Bilson as Joey
Chris Rock as Martin
Jessica Biel as Dominik
Dita Von Teese as Noa
Leighton Meester as Ana
Steve Buscemi as Pardeep (or Waste Man)
Frank Bruno as Loic (or Hench Man)
Holly Willoughby as Nicola
Bonnie Hunt as Margaret
Alexis Bledel as Emma
Morgan Freeman as Lawratu
Pam Ferris as Karen
Story by Matt McLeron and Lauren Austin Harvey
Screenplay by Matt McLeron
Script Supervisor Clemmie Taylor
SCENE SIX:
EXT. GA943 - DAY
WE ARE IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE, WHERE AN EXTRAORDINARILY MEDIOCRE RETAIL STORE IS SITUATED UNDERNEATH A TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT ORGANISATION WHICH IS HOLDING A BARBECUE WITH ITS ENTIRE STAFF ASSEMBLED.
MANY SUITED MEN AND WOMEN ARE MINGLING, HOLDING CHAMPAGNE IN WINE GLASSES. HOWEVER, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT ORGANISATION YOU WORK FOR, WHENEVER THERE’S A BARBECUE, YOU’RE GIVEN SHODDY PAPER PLATES TO EAT OFF WHICH TYPICALLY GET BLOWN AWAY ONTO OTHER PEOPLE’S GARDENS SLASH FACES.
THE CAMERA MOVES THROUGH MANY AGENTS, STOPPING ON ANIS WHO IS TALKING TO DELICIA.
DELICIA
M’s well angry you were late.
ANIS
Ah, what ya gonna do, my car fell off a cliff and exploded: I have some limits to my punctuality.
DELICIA
Well there’s always some excuse, they are getting tired of it.
ANIS
Right, whatever.
AGENT FARHAD COMES OVER TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION.
FARHAD
Look out, dude, M’s really spitting to kick your ass.
ANIS
So I’ve heard.
AGENT OSCAR JOINS THEM.
OSCAR
T’s annoyed with you.
ANIS
Ugh, what now?
OSCAR
You smashed up the Aston Martin, he’s gonna kill you.
FARHAD
M’s pissed at him too.
OSCAR
I know, I know, you know what it is? He’s too wasteful.
ANIS
Can we discuss my shortcomings later? I actually came to have a good time, not get picked apart and criticised.
OSCAR
I don’t think you’re going to have a good time today.
ANIS
Why’s that?
OSCAR
Look who just got here.
THEY POINT TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE. A WIRY MAN ENTERS WITH AN EYE-CATCHING WOMAN
ANIS
Oh, maaan, why’s Joey here?
FARHAD
She’s in accounting, all the beanspoons were invited.
AGENT NICOLA COMES OVER.
NICOLA
Don’t know if you just noticed, but…
ANIS
I noticed.
NICOLA
You don’t know what I was going to say yet!
ANIS
Did it happen to be that Joey just walked in?
PAUSE.
NICOLA
No, I was wondering if you had noticed…how Khus has been missing for 8 years.
PAUSE AS ANIS ABSORBS THIS.
ANIS
You are asking me if I had just noticed my ex partner died 8 years ago?
NICOLA
I wouldn’t say he’s dead, they never found his body.
ANIS
So your question is, did I just notice Khus hasn’t been seen for 8 years?
NICOLA
Uh huh.
ANIS
Unsubtly foreshadowing as your question was, the answer is no, I knew first hand having been the last person who saw him alive
AWKWARD PAUSE.
ANIS
Get outta here, Nicola.
NICOLA LEAVES AND ANIS TRIES TO ACT INCONSPICUOUS, SUSPICIOUSLY OVERDOING IT, AS HE IS A BLOODY SECRET AGENT, YOU’D THINK HE’D BE QUITE GOOD. ANYWAY HE FAILS AND IS ACCOSTED BY HIS EX GIRLFRIEND.
JOEY
Hello, Anis.
ANIS (OVERDOING TRYING TO APPEAR RELAXED)
Hey.
JOEY
This is Phil.
PHIL IS GRINNING.
PHIL
Alright?
ANIS
Alright…you alright?
PHIL
Feeling a little ‘shagged out’ I am, Joey’s a right bloody horse in bed, how did you keep up with her, she’s a fucking shag stallion, well I should say mare, really, every fucking animal on Old MacDonald’s farm in actual fact, ah god I bought us a jumbo bumper family pack of condoms - already been used up, it’s like ‘oo can I not be shagging you, Joey, for just one minute? I’ve gotta go to work, love’ fucking women eh? Still, you’re a secret agent, I bet you’re one of those knobs who wastes a guy and gives it some stupid one liner, I bet if you killed someone by dropping a pig or something on their head you’d say something like ‘oo that’s for telling porkies’ yeah I bet you’re one of them aren’t you, but I tell you this, I fucking hate people who make those kind of bad jokes, with puns, I just want to PUNch them, eh? EH? PUN…ch them…for PUNNING yeah they should get roasted alive and trampled by sheep, I’m mentioning animals a lot, I don’t know why, probably because Joey’s an animal in bed, eh, anyway, what was your question?
ANIS (TAKEN ABACK)
If you were alright.
PHIL
Me? Yeah I’m bloody marvellous, still, I do feel a little shagged out to be honest old Joey’s been giving it the old…
ANIS (TALKING OVER HIM)
You dumped me, for him? I thought you only liked Bengali boys?
JOEY
Well, once you go white, you realise you were wrong.
ANIS (NOT AT ALL AMUSED)
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
JOEY
Well, if you had committed yourself to being with me, things might have been different. You’re nothing to me now, it’s like those 8 years never happened.
ANIS
Yeah, 8 years, Joey, that’s like a marriage anyway…you can’t just…sweep that under the carpet.
PHIL
What carpet? Are we talking about her muffborough?
JOEY
Yeah 8 years, Anis, 8 years of the same old shit, another year goes by, all I got out of it was a new clock.
PHIL
A what?
JOEY
A clock, every year he’d buy a clock for our anniversary, to show that ‘we had all the time in the world’
ANIS
It’s from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, George Lazenby, when he marries Diana Rigg.
JOEY
Forget it, Anis. We were just very different people, and I have Phil now.
PHIL
Heh!
ANIS
Well, thanks for making this easy…
JOEY
Move on, Anis.
ANIS
I’m not saying I haven’t moved on, I just can’t believe you’d…
MOTIONS TOWARDS PHIL.
ANIS
Maybe I should transfer…to Wandsworth Branch
PHIL
Only losers whine about transferring, winners get to go home and fuck the prom queen.
ANIS
Joey WAS the prom queen.
PHIL
Well, what does that make me, mate?
WINKS AND STICKS TONGUE OUT. ANIS BLINKS AND SHAKES THAT OFF.
PHIL
So you got a new clock for your house every anniversary you two had? What happened to all of them?
JOEY
We split them up and both got four each.
PHIL
Four each, eh? Good FOR EACH…of you!
ANIS DOESN’T SO MUCH LAUGH AT THIS WHOLE HEARTEDLY CRAP PUN AS NOT LAUGH. JOEY HOWEVER GIGGLES AND SAYS
JOEY
You’re soooo funny!
MATT ENTERS AND PULLS ANIS AWAY SAYING
MATT
Love him or loathe him, you’d be mad not to loathe him.
ANIS REACTS IN BLESSED RELIEF TO SEE MATT.
ANIS
Matt! How’s early retirement treating you!
MATT
What an oddly expositionally clunky sentence.
ANIS
Expositionally isn’t a word.
TENSE PAUSE AS THEY BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER TRYING TO INTIMIDATE THE OTHER.
HOLD FOR FIVE SECONDS.
THEY BREAK INTO LAUGHTER.
MATT AND ANIS
Aaaaaaaaah!
MATT
So how are you?
ANIS
Fine, things are going pretty well.
THERE IS A SUDDEN SHOUT.
M
Agent Anis Seabourne! Just! Just what have you been up to? Destroying the Aston Martin? Disobeying a direct call in? I was going to give you an incredibly important case but you just had to fuck it up. Just wait til Monday, we are going to have a long talk in my office, shit for brains.
ANIS
Oh shit.
M
And T wants to have words as well.
ANIS
Look, just tell me what the missions about, I’ll do it fine.
M
Ha! Someone stole the Shibboleth device using a couple of green sticky bombs from Poland and to think I was going to put you on it…after the disregard you’ve shown?
ANIS
Jesus, M, I tell you I had no choice, an assassin put a grenade in my car.
M
So you drove it off a cliff?
ANIS
So no property got hurt!
M (SARKY)
Well that shut me up.
ANIS
I think I better mosey.
MATT
Yeah, lets.
M
Matt! I haven’t seen you since you aced the Clem Taylor mission and got yourself early retirement. How’ve you been doing?
MATT
Well, assassinating the female President of France was no easy job, I’ve just been dining, relaxing, and writing my memoirs.
M
Memoirs? You do realise anything revealed about us or any mission you were on will be considered treason and I’d have to behead you.
MATT
I’ll put it on the web and publish it under a fake name so you can’t pin anything on me.
M
Well good luck with that…such a nerd, putting stuff on the net.
MATT
Umm, I’m an ex secret agent, who has been set for life because he killed President Taylor and saved the free world, and STILL I get this image of being a nerd. I think it’s the glasses.
MATT TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND PUTS THEM ON TOP OF THE TABLE. HE PLACES THEM ON TOP OF A MAGAZINE.
MATT
See how different and awesome I look now?
ANIS STARES AT THE MAGAZINE COVER.
ANIS
Who’s that?
M AND MATT LOOK AT THE MAGAZINE. MATT PUTS GLASSES BACK ON.
M
That’s David Thornevil, another careless billionaire.
ANIS
Well, in this line of business, a careless billionaire is always a baddie.
MATT
Innit.
ANIS
Look, he’s got an eye-patch, has anyone decent ever worn an eye-patch ever? If they’ve got an eye-patch, they’re a definite baddie.
M
Riiiiiight.
MATT
And look, his name has the word ‘evil’ in it. Erm ever heard of Cruella De Vil? Evil was in her name, definite baddie.
M
He’s just an oil tycoon. We’ve been keeping tabs to make sure he’s on the books, Farhad and Oscar have been looking into it.
ANIS
Maybe you should delve deeper into him.
M
Oh I’m delving deep alright…into you. Don’t forget, Monday.
M LEAVES.
SCENE SEVEN:
EXT. GA943 - DAY
IT’S SOME TIME LATER.
PHIL
Yeah, well, the nineties were to the eighties what the seventies were to the sixties, soo…
PHIL IS NOW CUT OFF FROM THIS MADDENINGLY WANKERISH STATEMENT BECAUSE THE ASSEMBLED PARTY ARE TAPPING THEIR GLASSES AND SHOUTING ‘SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!’ M IS ALSO TAPPING HER GLASS AND SHOUTING FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE A SPEECH, BEFORE REALISING EVERYONE HAD WANTED HER TO MAKE ONE.
A STAGE HAS BEEN ERECTED AND M STANDS ON IT.
M
I’m not exactly sure what you wanted me to make a speech about, it’s another year gone by, another...
WE GO TO MATT AND ANIS WHISPERING DURING THE SPEECH.
MATT
So what gadgets has T hooked you up with?
ANIS
You’re going to love this, check this out.
ANIS TAKES OFF HIS SHOE AND SHOWS IT TO MATT.
ANIS
This shoe has an awesome feature, see a combination lock on the front of the heel? When its unlocked, it releases a grenade.
MATT
Whoar, that could be useful.
AGENT KASIA SHUSHES THEM.
ANIS
We better look like we’re paying attention to M’s speech…wait what’s that?
MATT
What?
ANIS
Why are there oil drums under the stage?
MATT
What the fuck??
ANIS
Oh shit…
MATT
Yep I see it too, the green glow…sticky bomb?
ANIS
There’s no time!
ANIS RUNS YELLING TO THE STAGE WITH ONLY ONE SHOE, BUT HE IS TOO LATE.
PHIL
See what I don’t get is that they imprison Muslim clerics for inciting racial violence, yet they give awards to Lord of the Rings. I mean Black Riders…what about Balrogs? Why don’t they just call them Gollywogs and have done with it? Tolkein stole all his ideas from African myth…
PHIL’S WANKERISH PONTIFICATION DURING M’S SPEECH IS INTERRUPTED BY THE BOMB GOING OFF AND M’S SUBSEQUENT IMMEDIATE DEPARTURE FROM LIFE. THE EXPLOSION IS TREMULOUS – LIKE, FELT IN JAPAN TWO HOURS LATER. EVERY AGENT IN THE FIRST ROW IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES. WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE STANDING ALIVE. ANIS IS ON FIRE. HE PUTS HIMSELF OUT AND RUNS UP TO THE STAGE. MATT IS UNSCATHED AND SHOUTS FOR ANIS.
TO THE SHOCK OF EVERYONE, A MILITARY POSSE CHARGE INTO THE BARBECUE OF FLAMING PEOPLE. HEH, IRONY. THEY BEGIN TO MACHINE GUN THE ASSEMBLED AGENTS. CHAOS AND SCREAMS ENSUE. LUCKILY, A YOUNG FEMALE AGENT VITORINO HAS A GRENADE, WHICH SHE THROWS AT THE POSSE. DUE TO THEIR MACHINE GUN FIRE THEY DO NOT NOTICE THE GRENADE LAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM. THEY KILL SEVERAL AGENTS BEFORE LUCKILY BEING BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS BY THE SINGLE GRENADE. THUS FOLLOWS A MAHOOSIVE EXPLOSION AS ALL OF THE GUN MEN HAD A STICKY BOMB ON THEM.
NOW ONLY TEN PEOPLE ARE LEFT STANDING ALIVE, INCLUDING MATT AND ANIS. MATT IS STUNNED, ANIS IS TRYING TO GET BACK ON HIS FEET. A BEARDED AGENT HAMZA IS TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THE SITUATION.
HAMZA
Doreen…
AGENT DOREEN LOOKS AT HIM IN SHOCK.
HAMZA
What was Anis shouting before the bomb blew up?
DOREEN
I don’t know, I…
HAMZA
He was running to the stage, and then all hell broke loose…there was a bomb under that stage…and…he knew.
DOREEN
We’re bringing him in.
THEY FIND SOME WEAPONS STREWN ON THE GROUND AND AIM THEIR GUNS AT ANIS.
ANIS IS STAGGERING OVER TO MATT.
ANIS
I was too late…I…
BANG! A SHOT GOES PAST HIS HEAD SO HE DROPS TO THE GROUND AND ROLLS.
MATT
We’re being shot at!!
HAMZA AND DOREEN CONTINUE FIRING AT THEM.
MATT
Shit, man we gotta get outta here, they think you did this!!
ANIS
Fuck!
THEY RUN CROUCHED OVER TO A RANDOM CAR. MATT BREAKS IN.
MATT
Get in!
ANIS
Hang on!
ANIS EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO CLAMBER INTO THE DRIVING SEAT AND START THE CAR.
HAMZA
Fuck, he’s getting away!
DOREEN REACTS FRANTICALLY.
HAMZA
Quick, the car!
THEY SPRINT OVER TO ANOTHER CAR AND START THE ENGINE.
SCENE EIGHT:
EXT. KNIGHTSBRIDGE STREETS - DAY
WE’RE BACK IN ANIS’ CAR. ANIS IS DRIVING FAST AND MATT HAS THE ONLY WEAPON BETWEEN THEM. THEY ZOOM UP BROMPTON ROAD.
MATT
Break right!
ANIS SWERVES RIGHT BEFORE HARROD’S WITH DEFT EXPERT PRECISION.
MATT
That’s it, down the back roads of Harrods, we should lose them.
ANIS
Aw, shit! They’re behind us!
MATT
Ah, bollocks! Go straight onto Sloane Street.
ANIS DOES. HE WEAVES THROUGH THE SLOW MOVING CARS, BUT DOES NOT LOSE HAMZA AND DOREEN.
IN THEIR CAR:
DOREEN
Don’t lose them, Hamza,
HAMZA
Use your gun, dammit, woman!
DOREEN
Ah, alright, ok!
DOREEN POPS HER HEAD AND ARM OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND STARTS SHOOTING.
MATT RETURNS THE FIRE, BUT DOES NOT WISH TO HARM THEM. ANIS GETS TO SLOANE SQUARE.
MATT
Left! Left! Left!
ANIS STEERS LEFT, BUT SWERVES SO HARD HE GOES INTO A 360 SLIDE.
ANIS
Shit-shit-shit-shit!
MATT
SH-SH-SH-SH-SH!
ANIS
Shou-shou-shou-shou-
MATT
Shhhhhhhh
ANIS
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
MATT
Turn left, fuck’s sake!
ANIS MANAGES TO MANOEUVRE THE CAR DOWN THE ROAD WHICH MATT POINTED OUT. MATT FIRES OFF A FEW SHOTS TO DAMAGE HAMZA’S FOLLOWING CAR. DOREEN LETS OFF A SHOT WHICH SMASHES THE PASSENGER MIRROR.
MATT
Whooooar!
SUDDENLY MATT’S HEAD CLUNKS ONTO THE CEILING OF THE CAR.
MATT
Fucking speed bumps!
ANIS
Sit tight, these go on for ages!
MATT
Fuck’s sake!
THEY BOTH BOUNCE UP AND DOWN REPEATEDLY HITTING THEIR HEADS ON THE CEILING. THEY BOTH WINCE IN UNISON.
MATT
Wait, I got an idea!
ANIS
What do you mean, ‘wait’? Wait for what? I’m not stopping this car, if that’s what you’re asking.
MATT UNDOES HIS SEATBELT AND FEARLESSLY HURLS HALF HIS BODY OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW.
ANIS
What are you doing, you crazy bastard?
MATT
Just keep going straight!
DOREEN TRIES TO KILL MATT BUT AS HAMZA IS DRIVING DOWN THIS SPEEDBUMPED ROAD ALL HER SHOTS GO WIDE BECAUSE THEY TOO ARE ALSO BOUNCING UP AND DOWN.
MATT STRETCHES OUT HIS ARMS. FOR SOME REASON THERE IS A WOODEN CART HOLDING THOUSANDS OF FRUIT. AS MATT IS DRIVEN PAST IT, HE TAKES OUT A VITAL SUPPORT OF THE FRUIT CART CAUSING THE ENTIRE STALL TO FALL BACKWARDS INTO THE ROAD SENDING THOUSANDS OF APPLES, ORANGES, LYCHEES, PINEAPPLES, WATERMELONS, AND MANY OTHER FRUITS INTO THE AIR, SO THEY LAND ON HAMZA’S CAR.
MATT THROWS UP HIS FIST IN TRIUMPH.
MATT
Eat fruit! LITERALLY! Contribute to your 5 a day
ANIS
You know, perhaps we should stop trying to make a killer gag each time we do something successful, oh wait hang on look at that, they’re still chasing us.
I WOULD HARDLY CONSIDER THAT A KILLER GAG.
THE COLLAPSING FRUIT CART HAS DONE NOTHING TO SLOW DOWN HAMZA’S CAR AND THEY ARE STILL FOLLOWING THEM.
MATT
Whaaaaat?
ANIS
THAT was your idea? Stopping them with fruit? They’re in a car, you moron!
AMIDST THE SPLATTERED FRUIT STANDS THE MUSTASCHIOED ARAB CART OWNER, WHO LOOKS LIKE BORAT. HE SHAKES HIS FIST ANGRILY AFTER THE CARS, SCOWLING AND CURSING.
IN HAMZA’S CAR, THE WINDSCREEN IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE THROUGH, SO NOW BOTH OF THEM HAVE TO STICK THEIR HEADS OUT OF THE MOVING CAR.
HAMZA
Shoot ’em!
IN ANIS’ CAR
MATT
Do a right here,
ANIS
Where we going?
THE CAR SCREECHES ONTO A MAIN ROAD
MATT
Go down the stairs!
ANIS
That’s the tube station!
MATT
DO IT!
ANIS
You crazy little…AAAAH!
ANIS STEERS LEFT SO HE POPS DOWN INTO THE UNDERGROUND.
HAMZA’S CAR POPS OUT OF THE STREET AND STOPS.
HAMZA, WITH HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW, LOOKS ROUND FRANTICALLY FOR ANIS’ CAR.
SEVERAL PEOPLE SCREAM COMING OUT OF THE UNDERGROUND. HAMZA IS CONFUSED.
ANIS’S CAR IS IN THE TUBE STATION. ANIS IS POUNDING ON HIS HORN, AND DOING 50MPH. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND DIVE TO AVOID THE CAR.
BACK TO HAMZA LOOKING CONFUSED AT THE SCREAMING PEOPLE COMING FROM THE UNDERGROUND STATION. A LOOK OF REALISATION COMES ON HIS FACE.
HAMZA
Oh no they didn’t…
BACK IN VICTORIA TUBE STATION. CAR IS SPEEDING WILDLY, WEAVING FRANTICALLY THROUGH THE CROWD.
MATT
Alright now up these stairs
BACK TO HAMZA.
HAMZA
Doreen, they’ve driven into the underground, we have to…
DOREEN
Oh my god, look behind you!
HAMZA TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE PUSHING AND RUNNING OUT OF THE TUBE STATION ENTRANCE NEAREST TO VICTORIA TRAIN STATION. SUDDENLY TO EVERYONE’S DISBELIEF ANIS’ CAR FLIES UP INTO THE AIR FROM THE STATION, THE STAIRS LEADING OUT HAVING BEEN USED AS A RAMP. WE GET A SHOT OF A MAN IN SOME STUPID BUNNY COSTUME HANDING OUT FLYERS IN FRONT OF THE STATION JUST TAKE THIS IN AS THE CAR FLIES OVER HIS HEAD. HE DROPS HIS STACK OF FLYERS. THE CAR SAILS MAGNIFICENTLY THROUGH THE AIR IN SLOW MOTION AND CRASHES INTO THE ARCHITECTURE OF THE STATION. WE GET A REACTION SHOT OF TRAVELLERS INSIDE VICTORIA STATION OBSERVING THE CAR BURST THROUGH THE WALL FIFTEEN FEET ABOVE THEM. THE CAR IS SUSPENDED IN THE WALL, HALF ON THE INSIDE, HALF ON THE OUTSIDE.
SCENE NINE:
INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY
INSIDE THE CAR.
MATT
Alright, what should we do now?
ANIS
We need to get the fuck out of here!
MATT
Feel like taking the train?
ANIS SMILES.
ANIS
Now that’s more like it, Mr McLeron
MATT
It’s a pleasure to be back, Mr Seabourne
MATT LOOKS OUT OF THE BACK WINDOW.
MATT
Dude, Hamza and Doreen are still after us.
THEY ARE.
ANIS
You’re plan to lose them went a bit sideways.
MATT
Enh, what we gonna do about them?
ANIS
Let’s split up, we need to be on…
SCANS TRAIN TIMES ON BIG BOARD IN CENTRE OF THE STATION
MATT
Platform sixteen, it’s going to Croydon, I know a place where we can lay low.
ANIS
Right, sixteen it is, then.
MATT
You got a gun?
ANIS
Nope.
MATT
Here, have this.
ANIS CHECKS OUT MATT’S GUN.
ANIS
No bullets left…
MATT
I know, let’s hope you won’t have to fire it.
ANIS
Alright, let’s mosey.
MATT
Yes, let’s get a wriggle on.
THEY BOTH GET OUT OF THE CAR AND JUMP DOWN TO THE GROUND, THEIR MOVEMENTS FOLLOWED BY THE EYES OF HUNDREDS OF PUZZLED COMMUTERS.
MATT
Good luck, Anis!
SUDDENLY
HAMZA
FREEEEZE!
HAMZA AND DOREEN ARE STANDING BEHIND THEM, ABOUT TEN METRES AWAY, GUNS POINTING TOWARDS THE DUO.
MATT AND ANIS TURN AND LOOK AT THEM. THEN THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEN THEY BOTH RUN IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.
HAMZA
Fucking…Ugh!
HE SHOOTS AFTER THEM.
HAMZA (TO DOREEN)
You take Matt, I’ll get Anis.
MATT HAS GONE EAST TOWARDS WHSMITHS. DOREEN CHASES AFTER HIM AND FIRES. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND IN BLIND PANIC EITHER GET IN BOTH OF THEIR WAYS OR DROP TO THE GROUND. MATT IS FORCED TO TAKE THE ESCALATOR UP. HE CROUCHES DOWN SO HE CAN’T BE VISIBLE OVER THE BANNISTERS. AS HE GETS TO THE TOP OF THE ESCALATOR, DOREEN REACHES THE ESCALATOR AND SHOOTS UP AT HIM.
MATT
Ah fuck!
HE CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED, AND PASSES A TRAMP BEGGING. MATT HAS AN IDEA AND REACHES INTO HIS POCKET FOR SOME CHANGE. HE THROWS DOWN CASH ON THE FLOOR AND CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED. THE TRAMP MOANS AND CRAWLS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES TO GET THE CHANGE. DOREEN RUNS ENERGETICALLY OFF THE ESCALATOR AND IMMEDIATELY TRIPS OVER THE CRAWLING TRAMP AND LANDS SOME METRES AWAY ON HER FACE, GUN SCATERRING, AMMO SPILLING. WE GET A SHOT OF MATT’S FACE AS HE’S RUNNING AND HIS GRIN AS HE HEARS DOREEN’S YELP BEHIND HIM. HE KEEPS RUNNING, NOT LOOKING BACK, AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND TO AVOID A STALL IN HIS PATH. HIS MOMENTUM CARRIES HIM SLIDING ON HIS BACK UNDER THE STALL AND AS SOON AS HE PASSES UNDER IT, HE LEAPS BACK UP AND JUMPS HEADLONG THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW AND LANDS IN A FORWARD ROLL ON THE FLOOR BELOW ON PLATFORM SIXTEEN, CHEST HEAVING, AND PICKING THE GLASS FROM HIS HANDS.
MATT
Alright, Anis, where are you, dude?
SCENE TEN:
INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY
ANIS IS RUNNING AWAY FROM HAMZA. ANIS IS RUNNING TO THE WEST SIDE OF THE STATION WHERE THEY HAVE A SUPERDRUG AND STARBUCKS.
ANIS
Shit!
HAMZA IS SHOOTING AT ANIS.
COMMUTERS SCREAM.
ANIS RUNS INTO SUPERDRUG AND WITH A WINK STEALS SHAMPOO OUT OF THE HANDS OF AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE EMPLOYEE CALLED BIANCA THEN RUNS OUT GRABBING A LIGHTER AND DEODORANT.
WE CUT BACK TO BIANCA, SWOONING OVER ANIS’ HANDSOME ABILITY TO CHANNEL 007.
THE MANAGER SHOUTS AFTER HIM BUT ANIS IS OUTTA THERE. HAMZA RUNS INTO THE STORE HURRIEDLY, GUN DRAWN. THE MANAGER SOBS PATHETICALLY.
ANIS IS OUTSIDE SQUEEZING OUT THE ENTIRE SHAMPOO BOTTLE. HAMZA SPEEDS OUT OF THE STORE AND LOSES HIS BALANCE ON THE SHAMPOO. HIS LEGS KICK OUT WILDLY AND HE FLAILS HIS ARMS TO KEEP BALANCE. ANIS LOBS THE EMPTY SHAMPOO BOTTLE AT HAMZA’S HEAD SO HE LOSES HIS BALANCE. HAMZA FALLS OVER. ANIS RUNS AWAY, BUT HAMZA IS GETTING UP AFTER HIM. HAMZA CATCHES UP WITH ANIS AND THROWS HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW OF STARBUCKS.
ANIS
ARGH! Dude, I’ve only got one shoe on: there’s glass! I could cut my feet, you over-zealous twat!
ANIS GETS UP AND THROWS SYRUP BOTTLES AT HAMZA WHILE COFFEE DRINKERS WATCH AMUSED. MANAGEMENT ISN’T SO HAPPY AND CALLS THE POLICE. HAMZA GETS CLOSE ENOUGH TO ANIS TO PUNCH HIM IN THE CHEST. ANIS GOES DOWN BUT SCRABBLES UNDER A TABLE. HAMZA MAKES HIS WAY TO THE TABLE. ANIS IS CROUCHED UNDER AND LIFTS THE TABLE INTO HAMZA’S FACE KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND, TRAPPING HIM UNDER THE TABLE. HAMZA SNARLS ANGRILY AND TRIES TO EXTRICATE HIMSELF, AND EVENTUALLY ANIS IS FORCED OVER AND HAMZA FREES HIMSELF. ANIS TRIES GOING FOR HAMZA’S GUN ON THE GROUND, BUT IS BATTED IN THE FACE BY A FORCEFULLY SWUNG STOOL. ANIS FALLS TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING HIS FACE, AND HAMZA TRAPS ANIS UNDER THE STOOL.
ANIS
Ah, ow, man!
HAMZA
You fucking nutcase! I’m bringing you in, for conspiracy to destroy GA943!
ANIS
It wasn’t me! I’ve been set up! I was trying to stop the bomb from going off!
HAMZA
And the armed men who shot everyone apart from you? Just lucky were you? We’re all dead, Nicola, Joey, Farhad, M, Delicia, they are all dead!
ANIS
Farhad and Oscar were investigating into David Thornevil, he’s into oil, the same oil used with the sticky bombs used to blow up the barbecue, the same sticky bombs, I might add, that were used to steal the Shibboleth device, the same sticky bombs that all the armed gunmen were carrying, it’s plain to see, this is all connected! I’ve been set up!
HAMZA
You’re coming back with us. Division are sending some people along to clean up this mess, it’s on dispatch.
ANIS
Who?
HAMZA
DICs Karen and Lawratu will be taking control over GA943 at least until this gets sorted out.
ANIS
I’m not coming back, especially if Karen and Lawratu are in charge. I need to clear my name. I’m on the team, I know as soon as I come with you, I’ll wake up in a cell, you need to let me go.
HAMZA
You need to come with us!
ANIS
Then I have no choice!
ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES.
HAMZA
Ow man, that burns! How was THAT even gonna work? That’s bloody deodorant, not pepper spray…ah!
HAMZA USES ONE HAND TO COVER ONE OF HIS STINGING EYES.
ANIS
Sorry, lighter didn’t go off.
ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES, BUT NOW THE LIGHTER GOES OFF AND HE SUCCESSFULLY FLAMBEES HAMZA’S FACE. HAMZA FALLS BACK AND CLUTCHES HIS GLOWING FACE.
ANIS
You thought it burned before? Heheh.
COFFEE DRINKER NAMED DANIEL
Erm…you just scarred a man for life…and you’re making bad jokes? Isn’t that sort of inappropriately glib?
ANIS
What if I had made a good joke?
DANIEL LOOKS THOUGHTFUL.
DANIEL
That could work
ANIS TAKES HAMZA’S GUN AND HURRIES TO THE TRAIN PLATFORMS. DOREEN SPOTS HIM FROM THE FLOOR ABOVE AND FIRES AT HIM.
ANIS JUMPS FROM THE SHOT AND RUNS FASTER, SWEARING.
HE SPIES MATT WAITING AT PLATFORM SIXTEEN. THE TRAIN IS ABOUT TO GO. MATT IS HOLDING THE DOOR DELAYING EVERYONE. SOME TRANSPORT FOR LONDON OFFICIALS ARE MAKING THEIR WAY TOWARDS HIM. ANIS SPEEDS UP TO THE TRAIN DOORS AND HOPS ON. MATT LETS GO OF THE DOORS AND THE TRAIN LEAVES BEFORE THE TRANSPORT OFFICIALS CAN STOP THEM. ON THE PLATFORM DOREEN LOOKS FRANTICALLY FOR THEM, NOT KNOWING WHERE THEY HAVE GONE. SHE GIVES UP AND CALLS IT IN.
SCENE ELEVEN:
INT. MATT’S CROYDON HIDEOUT. – NIGHT
DÉCOR IS MINIMAL TO REDUCE SHOOTING COSTS.
MATT AND ANIS ARE BOTH ON SEPARATE LAPTOPS SEARCHING THE INTERNET TO RESEARCH DAVID THORNEVIL.
MATT
Ah, the internet: the most overused Deus Ex Machina when it comes to plot progression from lazy screenwriting.
ANIS
Stop talking like that. It’s as bad as when characters in a movie say some shit like ‘Oh, it’s like we’ll be in a movie’
MATT
So no luck finding any dirt on David?
ANIS
You know what we need?
MATT
If you’re worried that we don’t have enough firepower, I’ve got a Walther P99 and a shotgun behind the fridge.
ANIS
Well that’s good, but no, I was first thinking that I need a shoe.
MATT LOOKS AT ANIS’ BARE FOOT AND LAUGHS.
MATT
Why did you leave it at the barbecue?
ANIS
The bomb, innit.
MATT
Alright, fine, but yeah what do we need now?
ANIS
I need to talk to T.
MATT
Do you think he’ll trust you?
ANIS
He has to, he must know who the bombs belong to, or at least he’ll know they have got nothing to do with me.
MATT
Well, why wouldn’t he say something? I know him, he’d speak out on something like this.
ANIS
Mate, things changed when you left.
MATT
How?
ANIS
It’s that Karen and Lawratu, they run it like Captain Bligh, they are Division squarejaws. They temporarily ran things when M was having her tooth unsnaggled. They’re a couple of powerhouses. Lawratu’s tough…and ruthless, Karen’s rough…and toothless.
MATT
Well re: T situation, you’re going out on a limb here, man, how are we going to contact him?
ANIS
I’ll think of something…let’s get something to eat.
MATT
What ya thinkin’, Maccy Ds?
ANIS
How about a bit o’ key-bab?
MATT
Sure, gimme a sec to get my jacket.
ANIS TURNS ON THE TV AND FLICKS THROUGH THE ADVERTS
TV
*bzzz* Making life taste better *bzzz* are you a homeowner *bzzz* waiting to die? Then call *bzzz* to me, Reverend Ramsey Hassan on 0980 24 *bzzz* rapid chat, a new way of servicing your needs *bzzz* daily express delivery! *bzzz* my name is judge *bzzz*
ANIS
Just adverts…
ANIS TURNS OFF TV AND PREPARES TO LEAVE. HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES HIS FEET.
ANIS
Matt!
MATT
What?
ANIS
Don’t worry about leaving, I only got one shoe.
MATT
Oh yeah, shame. Have to get a delivery
SCENE TWELVE:
INT. GA943 - NIGHT
AN IMPORTANT MEETING IS BEING HELD. KAREN AND LAWRATU, TWO IMPOSING WOMEN ARE HEADING UP THE TASK FORCE AND HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED BY DIVISION TO TAKE CONTROL OF EVERYBODY. THE REMAINING AGENTS OF GA943 LISTEN ATTENTIVELY.
KAREN
From now on, no one even blinks without my permission.
AGENT EMMA
Permission to blink, DCI Karen!
KAREN
Permission…denied.
LAWRATU
I want to know everything we can about Anis Seabourne.
KAREN
I want a list of all phone calls he’s made in the last twelve years.
LAWRATU
Cross check that with the phone calls of every known terrorist.
KAREN
I want bank accounts frozen.
LAWRATU
I want passports stopped.
KAREN
Thanks to information gathered from Hamza, we know that the story Anis’ll be pushing is that he’s been set up.
WE SEE HAMZA FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HIS RUN IN WITH THE LYNX CAN. HIS FACE IS COMPLETELY BURNT, EXCEPT AN UNSCATHED BIT IN THE MIDDLE IN A PERFECT OUTLINE OF HAMZA’S HAND.
LAWRATU
And by the way, sorry Hamza, you can’t go home, yes I know your face has been burnt off, but, as you can see, we’re a little understaffed.
HAMZA INSTINCTIVELY RUBS HIS HAND, WHICH IS JUST AS BURNT AS THE BURNS ON HIS FACE. IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS EVEN TO THOSE WHO CAN’T FOLLOW A LINEAR PLOT NARRATIVE THAT HAMZA COVERED HIS FACE WITH HIS HAND BEFORE GETTING SET ON FIRE, HENCE COOKED HAND AND BIZARRE LOOKING HANDPRINT OF CLARITY ON HIS FACE.
KAREN
No one leaves.
LAWRATU
Or thinks about leaving.
KAREN
Until we have Anis and his accomplice in a cell.
LAWRATU
Now we are going to be bringing in some of our own people, if you could place the passcodes to all files on our desks to allow our people to assess the situation as fast and as obliging as possible
READ OFF AGENT OSCAR’S UNEASY LOOK.
SCENE THIRTEEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT
SOME TIME LATER.
MATT
Mate, I’ve got it!
ANIS
Go on.
MATT
We use Wikipedia.
ANIS
How? What for?
MATT
To communicate with T! Trust me it’s quite a leap, but we’re losing nothing by trying, come on now.
ANIS
Knock yourself out.
MATT
Right, here’s what we do, we go to wiki, under GA943, go to the T page and leave him a message.
ANIS
Alright, fingers crossed.
MATT (TYPING AND READING)
‘T, we need to meet you, Seabourne’
ANIS
Good, but it’s a little obvious, how about we encode it. How many letters is that message?
MATT
25, perfect for a Caesar square code.
ANIS
Do it.
MATT ENCODES THE MESSAGE. THIS MEANS MAKING A 5 X 5 SQUARE WITH THE 25 LETTERS MAKING A SQUARE SO THE MESSAGE READS VERTICALLY. IT LOOKS LIKE:
T E E U O
W D E S U
E T T E R
N O Y A N
E M O B E
THEN MATT PLACES THE HORIZONTALLY READ MESSAGE ‘TEEUOWDESUETTERNOYANEMOBE’ ON THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE.
MATT
Done!
ANIS
Check my page, maybe someone’s had the same idea.
MATT
Checking…there’s nothing except…you went out with Joey for 8 years?
ANIS
THAT’S on there?
MATT
Yep…and you still wet the bed??
ANIS
Whaaaaat? That’s not on there, you’re lying.
ANIS HURRIES TO THE COMPUTER AND IS PROVED RIGHT.
ANIS
Yerafool!
MATT
Hey, I can easily edit this so it says you do.
ANIS
Wait, what’s that?
MATT
Where?
ANIS
‘Anis, I know who’s responsible for the attack, meet me Monday morning at Waterloo, Oscar’
MATT
Oscar?
ANIS
How did you miss that?
MATT
Oscar didn’t die in the explosion with everybody else?
ANIS
It would appear so.
MATT
What information could he have?
ANIS
He and Farhad were investigating David Thornevil, now Farhad is dead along with most of our agents, and I’ve been framed. I should go see him, I think he could be a help.
MATT
Oh my god, look, T’s already replied!
THE MESSAGE READS ‘AEWNIONTESNNIMSTEDSETEAAMAMRMYETINMT’
MATT
Right, 36 letters, makes a 6 by 6 square, just a few seconds…
HE MAKES THIS SQUARE
A E W N I O
N T E S N N
I M S T E D
S E T E A A
M A M R M Y
E T I N M T
HE WRITES THE VERTICAL MESSAGE OUT IN FULL. IT SAYS:
‘ANISMEETMEATWESTMINSTERNINEAMMONDAYT’
MATT
Anis, meet me at Westminster, nine a.m. Monday, T
ANIS
Excellent…I just hope he brings a shoe for my damn foot.
MATT
Shit, it’s all happening, innit?? Right I’ve had enough for one day, mate, I’m gonna sleep.
THEY SPUD GOOD NIGHT.
SCENE FOURTEEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT
ANIS CAN’T SLEEP. HE GOES INTO THE HALLWAY
ANIS
Why me…why me? I need a good…I need a good…other shoe.
ANIS STEALS MATT’S SLIPPERS AND GOES DOWNSTAIRS TO A BAR. A VAMPY AND IMPOSING YET ATTRACTIVE BLONDE GIRL SITS CONFIDENTLY NEXT TO HIM
GIRL
Buy me a drink?
ANIS
Not in the mood.
GIRL
You know, you look familiar.
ANIS MAKES A SLIGHT MOVEMENT TO TURN AWAY FROM HER, REJECTING HER.
GIRL
Your name’s Anis, right?
ANIS’ EYES GO ROUND. A LOUD NOTE PLAYS.
ANIS
Who are you?
GIRL
I’m Lauren.
STING OF MUSIC, FADE TO BLACK.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
OPEN UP FROM BLACK.
INT. A MODERN METALLIC OFFICE - NIGHT
THE CAMERA MOVES ONTO A BLACK GLOVE. THE FINGERS OF THE GLOVE EXTEND MENACINGLY TO A KEYBOARD AND FLICK SOME KEYS. DAVID THORNEVIL FLICKS UP ON THE MONITOR.
DAVID
The mole has been planted, sir.
MYSTERIOUS GLOVED PRESUMABLY MAN BECAUSE DAVID REFERRED TO HIM AS SIR
Gooood. Mooha…hmooha…Moohahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
END OF ACT ONE.
COME BACK HERE WEDNESDAY THE 3RD OF SEPTEMBER FOR THE SECOND PART OF THIS THREE PART ACTION FILM. WILL ANIS PREVAIL? WILL HE SEND THE BAD GUYS TO JAIL? OR WILL HE FAIL? HOPEFULLY I’LL LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.
