McLeron

Awards 2010 - Best Secret Keeper

2010-03-25T11:17:00.001Z

Today we learn who is the best person to keep a secret a secret in Gap. I'm surprised that anyone won!

The award goes to Sarah-Michelle!

The full tally of scores is below:

Sarah-Michelle IIII
Linda III
Kitty III
ShafaIII
Marta III
Khus II
Tajinder II
Atia II
James T II
Tufail I
Lira I
Neville I
Mo I
Matt I
Natalie I
Anis I
Amel I
Arif I
Christine I
Isabelle I
Beatrice I
Maria I
Frankie I

Awards 2010 - Best Looking

2010-03-16T21:45:00.002Z

Here's the only category anyone really cares about:

You narcissistic people!

It's time for you to learn who is the BEST LOOKING

And the award goes to the prize pony of Gap, herself: KITTY

The full tally of votes and nominees are listed below.

*BLOGGER NOTE* It's wonderful to see the amount of people on this list, and good to learn that appeal can be found by everyone in anyone

Kitty IIIII I
Tajinder IIIII
Alex IIIII
Sarah-Michelle IIII
Khus III
Amel III
Tufail II
Hamza II
Linda II
James T II
Saifur II
Diana II
Joshy II
Krista I
Matt I
David I
Agniezka I
Victoria I
Anis I
Arif I
Shafa I
Lira I
Dan I
Teodora I
Jay I
Annika I
Most female employees (according to *a**e)

NEXT: Best person to keep a secret

Awards 2010 - Most Generous

2010-03-09T10:52:00.004Z

Today we will learn who is most generous person in the store. Store is a broad term for where we are, but here's one broad for where we are termed who is undoubtedly generous:

MARTA!

Full tally of votes underneath:

Marta IIIII III
Hamza IIII
Isabelle IIII
Amel IIII
James R III
Atia III
James T II
Lira II
Alex I
Maria I
Natalie I
Emma I
David I
Arif I
Sandra I
Tajinder I
Shafa I
Oscar I

NEXT: Best Looking

Awards 2010 - Loudest

2010-03-08T22:40:00.004Z

On this glorious day, we shall now learn who the public have deemed the loudest person in the store. In a landslide victory, it's none other than an unstoppble hat trick for the cleverest and funniest, perhaps in part due to his loudness: MATT

This is what you call landslide: Check dem shitz OUT!

Matt IIIII IIIII IIIII II
Lira IIIII I
Amel IIIII
Jennifer II
Tufail I
Alex I
Atia I
Shafa I

Next, learn the shocking truth as to whom is THE most generous in the store

Awards 2010 - Best Dressed

2010-03-07T16:13:00.003Z

It's time to learn who in the store is voted by the majority as the best dressed: the person is..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Hamza

Full tally of results below:

Hamza IIIII IIIII
Tajinder IIIII II
Kitty IIIII
Sarah-Michelle IIIII
Tobe III
Atia II
Dan II
Victoria I
Saifur I
Anis I
Beatrice I
Delicia I
Linda I
David I
Diana I

Next: the loudest

Awards 2010 - Worst Zone & Worst Shift

2010-03-04T11:30:00.002Z

A special mystery double bill this time, and after having to have sat through the cheesy self indulgence of the best this and the most so and so-est, it's time for a break. Now, prepare to learn the shocking news as McLeron.blogspot.com announces that the worst zone is

FITS

...and the worst shift, as voted by you, the accosted sales associates, is:

11-8

The full tally of results, found below:

worst place to be zoned
Fits IIIII IIIII IIII
Till IIIII
Front IIII
Mens II
Back of womens II
Body II
Baby II
Kids II
Stock Room I
Visual Room I
Window I
Logo I
Staffroom III

worst shift
11-8 IIIII IIIII IIIII I
1.30-10.30 IIIII III
2-11 IIIII
7-4 III
Overnight II
10-7 I
7-11 I

Next, find out: the most generous

Awards 2010 - Best Manager

2010-03-03T13:37:00.004Z

And now the category that no one wanted to vote for, best manager!

The winner is...Dan!! (And so he should, he does run the place.)

To see how narrow the win was, see below:

Dan IIIII IIII
Daria IIIII III
Joshi IIIII II
Marta IIIII I
Emma IIIII
Jen III
Agniezka I

Next, a mystery double bill of award results!

Awards 2010 - Best Customer Service

2010-03-02T16:36:00.004Z

Today, we can finally put it to rest that we now finally know WHO has the best customer service.

And that person is...Andreas!

Full tally of scores below:

Andreas IIIII III
Joshy IIIII
Victoria III
Matt II
Marta II
Atia II
Anis I
Hamza I
Cahit I
Wayne I
Shafa I
Arif I
Isabelle I
Saifur I
Jay I

Tune in soon to find out: WHO is the BEST MANAGER

Awards 2010 - Most Funniest

2010-03-01T13:08:00.003Z

Today we find out the winner of the most coveted and important prize of all: who is the funniest employee? It gives me great pleasure to announce the winner is...A TIE. Congratulations Matt and Tufail!

The full voting list is below:

Matt IIIII IIII
Tufail IIIII IIII
James R IIII
Shafa IIII
Christine III
Tajinder III
Atia III
Anis III
Sarah-Michelle II
Khus II
Lira II
Alex II
Andreas II
James T I
Amel I
Jennifer I
Mo I
Neville I
Delicia I
Emma I

Next we learn who gives the best customer service?

Awards 2010 - Most Cleverestestest

2010-02-28T22:35:00.001Z

The one, you've all been waiting for, the answer to the most pressing question submitted to Brompton Road - who is our cleverest employee?

The answer is...Matt!

The full list of scores in this category below:

Matt IIIII IIIII
Anis IIIII III
James T IIIII I
Joshy IIII
Saifur III
Atia III
Cahit I
Arif I
Dan I
Marta I
Kitty I
Tajinder I

Next...find out: who is the funniest employee?

Awards 2010 - Most Talented

2010-02-28T01:05:00.003Z

Over a million people voted, and only about 40 got counted, and your winner of the coveted Most Talented prize is...

...David!!

The full tally of results
David IIIII II
Natalie IIII
Kitty III
James T III
Loic III
Delicia III
Marta II
Matt II
Khus II
Linda II
Anis II
Arif I
Larkin I
Atia I
Andreas I
Saifur I
Jay I
James R I
Victoria I

Awards 2010 - Most Likely To Make You Smile

2010-02-26T20:14:00.006Z

Kicking off with the Employee Most Likely To Make You Smile...the winner is Tufail!

Full tally of nominations and votes:

Tufail IIIII I
Matt IIIII
Andreas IIIII
Shafa IIII
Anis IIII
James R III
Tajinder III
Atia III
Delicia II
Marta II
Alex II
Sarah-Michelle II
Amel II
Linda I
Francisco I
Lira I
Wayne I
Hamza I
Dan I
Loic I
Tobe I
Isabelle I
Arif I

Next...Most Talented

ILtL: S2 - Signs and Meanings

2010-01-19T15:42:00.001Z

Introductions: Learning to Look
Session Two
Signs and Meanings
Semiotics or semiology is the science or study of signs or sign systems. You heard me.
The study was put forward by Swiss linguist Ferdinand Saussure
Pierce applied the study to make it scientific
Barthes applied the study to pop culture and media
Semiotics is vital for seeing how a message is communicated.
Essentially, this study gave credence to the belief that language is constructed by people so meaning is not fixed. Like how Buddha says there is no ‘I’ because we are always changing.
There are three types of signs:
1.) Symbol – made up of words and letters
2.) Iconic – which uses pictures and graphics to send a message
3.) Indexical – relying on knowledge of future causality i.e. inferred by body language
Signs are a dyadic model; there are two aspects to a sign: the signifier (the form that the sign will take) and what’s signified (the message communicated)
When I write my essay, I must find the signifiers and what’s signified and use them to back up my point.
Signs adhere to codes and conventions. The ingredients to a sign system are initially meaningless, but when applied with a structure and order, the message is clarified. For example 314151 may look like ascending numbers spaced with 1s, but add a decimal point: 3.14151 it becomes
Repetition helps us get used to this, and it becomes automatic and reflexive despite irregulars e.g. the past tense of ‘I go’ should be ‘I goed’ but it’s actually ‘I went’
Signs communicate through a system of difference. Saussure maintained that a solitary word has no meaning, and it is their relation to other words that give it a definition. For example dark is not an applicable term without the knowledge of light.
Similarly, Barthes describes signs as dyadic because they work two ways, with a denotation (the initial visual) and its connotation (cultural knowledge)
This sign ∝ is simply a squiggle, but its connotations give it a depth. It means ‘proportional to’ but also means vesica piscis, the Jesus fish, not only stopping there, it is Aphrodite’s symbol, and also connected to the Syrian sea goddess Atargatis, and in Ancient Egypt, the fish was often associated with Isis and Horus.
The link between signifiers and what’s signified is arbitrary.
Most things work through convention and our established understanding, our cultural knowledge.
Semiology is linked to Structuralism, a term coined by Levi Strauss, which like semiotics is all about an established order of society and its binary oppositions. For young to be a relative term, there must be old. There are rules of exclusion and associations, which don’t allow for much autonomy is society. For example if you are a woman, you are required to be dominated by a guy.
Semiotics has been criticised for simplification, as has structuralism. This criticism is what’s known as post-culturalism and post-modernism. Semiotics is not great in that it doesn’t assess what the audience ends up doing, only the implicated message.
Following on from this, signs are polysemic – it means there are many possible scenarios through the signs.
To prevent the sign from being polysemic, measures are taken to make the sign easily comprehensible and understood. This measure is known as anchorage. Anchorage is quoted as being there ‘to fix the floating chains of signifieds’ by Barthes. This is sometimes rather brazen and shamelessly unsubtle.
Adverts regularly resort to myth, thus perpetuating myth. For example, to sell alcohol, you must market it towards men because men are typically boozy beer-soaked swilling drunkards.
Brap! Donezo.

IM: S1

2010-01-15T20:57:00.001Z

Introducing Multimedia
Session One

What is the internet, good or bad?
The internet is good because...
...it provides entertainment e.g. downloading.
...it is a source of information e.g. journeyplanner
...enables immediate communication e.g. msn
...no censorship – freedom of speech
...FREE
...provides realms for personal development and education e.g. Wikipedia
...people with difficulties get opportunities
...it makes everything faster e.g. Michael Jackson’s death
...you can keep track of everything easier e.g. online banking

The internet is bad because...
...no censorship – too much freedom!
...digitising everything causes job loss e.g. Sayonara, Borders
...it’s untrustworthy e.g. Michael Jackson's death again
...turns being unengaged into a Zen-like experience
...unsafe – lack of security e.g. identity theft, fraud
...limits human interaction – promotes a loss of social norms
...perpetuates a false persona e.g. Lord Xandir Cliffclay of Moria is actually Rick Smedley from Milton Keynes
...piracy, copyright infringement e.g. www.*******.com
...no regulation, so you can be susceptible to addiction
...promotes marginalisation on non internet-savvy people
...shortening of people’s attention span e.g. when you

ILtL: S1

2010-01-12T15:17:00.001Z

Introductions: Learning to Look
Session One

I discovered that Media is...
...a means of communication
...a marketing tool
...a source of entertainment and information
...an industry
...is dissected through vectors of message.

It is essentially a message sent from a sender to a receiver wrapped in a code. My job as a media student is to read between the lines and deliberate on the purpose, motives, and benefits of this message.

I am doing this course because...
...media has become ubiquitous,
...media is a massive fiduciary commodity
...the media lessens individuality – it creates an autonomic society e.g. LOSE 5 LBS IN 5 MINUTES!!
...it provides lively debate
...media incites a moral panic e.g. SWINE!!!
...media sways the political tide e.g. Roger Ailes’ campaign for George Bush against Michael Dukakis
...the media cannot be trusted e.g. ‘IT’S A BOY’ (Heather Mills’ daughter)/ Michael Jackson’s death

The media is an avenue for escapism; by investing in other people’s lives we are less concerned with our own. What is more important to me? Giving good customer service or the fate of Ben Linus? All media is a thin disguise for adverts. The ubiquitous media is saturated with commercials, subliminal, liminal, and super-liminal. In magazines, every second page is an advert. There’s product placement in the films I watch. Television is interrupted regularly for commercial breaks. If I want to download pictures of Emma Watson, I have to navigate my way through several pop ups and get linked away to PartyPoker and endure 10 agonising seconds for the advert to leave before getting the good stuff. The message is: SPEND SPEND SPEND. A redundant message because the internet, magazines, films, and TV require me to spend money before allowing me to enjoy them. Why do I enjoy them, anyway? Because Emma Watson is fit? Because you are expected, if not required, to have a view on who should win The X Factor? Are we all being lobotomised?

My personal target for this term is to update this blog. My action plan is to not beat around the bush and Just Do It. Just a little time the morning after a session to revisit my notes and publish them here. We’ll see ;)

Lost Q&A at the Curzon cinema

2009-07-04T13:42:00.002+01:00

Initial thank yous, then showed a recap video of Lost,
D&C confirmed that Stranger In A Strange Land was the turning point for the studio, and they were allowed to establish an end date.
Jack’s beard is bad.
16 episodes next year, but 18 hours of Lost. Jack Bender confirmed a two hour season premiere, and a two hour finale.
After Lost, they will go in to hiding for a while, due to the inevitably interpretive quality to the series ending.
Damon: You are married to your destiny, you can try to avoid it, but it will catch up to you. This is why Charlie shut the door in the Looking Glass station, because he embraced his death.
Sometimes they get pointers from the studio, telling them stuff is too outlandish. Originally, in the season four premiere, Hurley was going to come across himself in Jacob’s cabin, but the network urged them to change the scene to Christian Shepherd, afraid it would set a precedent of weirdness. With season six, there won’t be any of that
Q: What was your favourite scene to watch or write?
CC: The scoring session we attended for the raft’s launch at the end of Exodus . These musicians were playing this incredible music without having rehearsed it, and the moment was so beautiful, there were tears in the control booth. That was just one of those great moments where you felt this blessed synergy of all these talented collaborators all come together and make Lost what it is.
JB: I love all of them
DL: I have many...but for me, during season one, when we first started writing the show coming out of the pilot, when it first started revealing itself, was really cool. I’m drawn to scenes that take place with just two characters and somehow they’re talking about very very heady things and I’m a huge fan of whenever Jack and Locke talk to each other. We’ve been very judicious in having those guys talk to each other, it happens very rarely. I go back back to White Rabbit and that 6 or 7 minute long scene where they’re just sitting in the jungle and Jack says he’s following the impossible and Locke says what if it’s not impossible and we were all put here for a reason, and that scene is the genesis for those guys’ relationship and if you think about how that was the 3rd episode shot out of the pilot, here we are now, 100 episodes later, and now Jack is finally saying ‘Y’know, Locke might be onto something’
CC: Jack’s kinda slow.
DL: It had to permeate through his beard
Q: My wife is fascinated with the artistry of delivering this idea into a script. We had, in a video podcast last year, a glimpse into the writers’ room and she’s fascinated that you get the idea and put it into a script
CC: We have a call centre in Delhi. We just ask them ‘we need a flashforward this week’
DL: We have a minicamp before we write, where we just discuss the season with the writers, the character arcs and we decide on the season’s final image so we know exactly our beginning and where we’re trying to get to. Once we start writing the show on a week-to-week episode basis it gets a bit more intense
CC: We spend a lot of time breaking each aspect of the story and once we have the story worked out from beginning to end, we’ll put it up on whiteboard and then pitch it back to ourselves, and we’ll have scenes in different colours, withan on island story, an off island story, and a C-story, split it into six acts for the commercial breaks and structure it so you’ll wanna come back after each act. Then we’ll give it to some writers to rewrite and send back, and we’ll give our notes, make some changes
Q: Jack was originally a protagonist for the show, but he seems to have gotten more antagonistic as it goes on. Was this intentional?
JB: Matthew Fox loved the idea of wearing the not so flattering jumpsuits and his character beginning to let go of his heroic side, which people accuse me of, taking Jack Shepherd’s character.
DL: Basically Jack spent a hundred hours majorly rejecting it, there was no purpose whatsoever to the island and now he’s come back in the 70s and he’s still waiting to be told ‘Here’s what you’re supposed to do’ and then when he is told what to do, he then gets to decide what he is going to do, so basically it’s contingent on what he feels his mission is.
Q: Can we get more Lost screenings where you project episodes in a cinema like this?
CC: I think so. It’s a good idea and it may happen in some form or other
Q: On the official website, there was a video of behind the scenes and you went into your offices and you had a wall of whose dead and whose alive, I want to know about Claire being on the wall of dead
[shocked gasps from audience]
DL: Are you absolutely sure
Q: I am
DL: [explains wall of alive, dead, undead] Well, uh, if you say you saw her there, I don’t know what to tell you.
JB: I think her agent slipped it in there
DL: She is going to be back on the show.
CC: Eventually all of them will be on the wall of the dead.
Q: My question is about the fate of Lost, because I know it ends with season 6, but do you think because of Bryan Fuller with Pushing Daisies continuing it in a comic book, and I love Ultimate Wolverine vs Hulk (Damon’s comic) and with Lost it has a disjointed timeline and it comes together in the end, do you think that you’ll do any spin offs in a comic book form?
DL: We feel that if we hold anything back for the final season of the show, it will be bad. People have come along this far, and they need a conclusion.
Q: You make a lot about the characters searching for their destiny and their purpose, do you feel that you yourselves had a purpose in your own lives being involved in the show, or you’ve learned something about life from doing it?
CC: I think as writers we use the show to explore personal issues, spiritual or otherwise. We’re mainly concerned by how much faith and how much control do you have over your own destiny, something which is very fascinating to us, and obviously season 5 was an exploration of that with the time travel leading to an event at the end of the season, so that is going to be something we’re going to explore a lot on the final season of the show. The writers room is diverse and that diversity gets worked out in the characters.
Q: What’s Brian K. Vaughan like?
DL: Unfortunately he has left for greener pastures. When he first came on the show Jorge Garcia was ecstatic because he’s a huge fan of his work.
Q: Where are exactly are you with season 6?
CC: We are here, and the following Monday we’ll start writing.
JB: Shooting starts August 24th
CC: We’ll work continuously until the middle of April and the show will air sometime between January and February and will finish around May.
Q: I want to know about the end of Lost. Michael Emerson said in an interview this week that he suspects it will be quite bittersweet or melancholy. Is it going to be an upbeat ending or ambiguous? Just any kind of hint to the flavour of the ending.
DL: All of the above. We are aspiring for an ending that is fair. Bittersweet comes with the territory. The ending will be different as for once, we won’t leave you on a cliffhanger. You will stay on the cliff this time.
CC: We hope that if we like it, you will like it.
Q: I was sad Charlie died, but he had to die to give his story credibility. That makes me wonder about John Locke. The fact he is now dead, having hit his lowest ebb...what’s up with that character arc?
CC: We’re not prepared to answer any of those questions here tonight. We feel that the final part of the experience of Lost is that you have this time between to theorise, postulate, agonise.
JB: If the actors really need to know what’s coming ahead, they’ll ask. As an example, Josh Holloway did not know what he was whispering to Kate when he jumped out of the helicopter, and neither did Evangeline Lilly, but the actors sold it so well. Terry O’ Quinn was playing Locke with this dark mysterious quality, unintentionally playing into the ending which he didn’t know. I presented him with the script asking him he wanted to read it and he was sure. He came back after saying ‘I wish I hadn’t read it’
Q: How much do you know about each character’s story, are there any you’re particularly proud of, or not proud of?
DL: When you come up with an idea for a character, and they come into the show, like Eko, who was originally a priest who had a crisis of faith, and we found Adewale in New York, and we basically said we don’t buy that this guy is a priest who has lost his faith, we buy that this guy is a warlord impersonating a priest, and somewhere along the way he’d decide he wasn’t just impersonating a priest, he’d decide to be one. So we’re certainly proud of the way that one worked out, and as for the ones we’re not proud of, we bury alive...or have Michael shoot them.
Q: How do you come up with these amazing twists?
CC: A lot of getting yourself to a point where you cry. We have a really brilliant writing staff and that’s part of the DNA of the show now, and that’s a big part of the writer’s room, how we re-route things one way and flip it back another. We love introducing a character in a certain way and then reveal the character to be very different. You know originally Sawyer tested the second lowest after the pilot, and now of course he’s a very heroic version of that character.
Q: Keep the Smoke!
DL: You’ll be seeing the smoke in a probably interesting character in itself
JB: And it will be in the shape of Jack’s beard
Q: Season 5 was hard work watching, with time travel. How are you going to pay that off?
DL: We acknowledge with a degree of difficulty. We were ostensibly frightened at first with the time travel story, were basically desperate to get everybody back together again. Time travel is now complete and everybody gets back together in one form or another and we feel that season 6 is a lot like season 1 with its community.
Q&A ended here. The guys signed stuff for the fans. My friend had a copy of Half Blood Prince, Damon signed it saying ‘Locke is VERY similar to Snape!’

Lost Season Four Soundtrack Guide by McLeron

2009-05-19T17:55:00.002+01:00

1.) Giving Up The Ghost – The music during the scene where Charlie chats with Hurley in Santa Rosa. The music here takes from what was hinted at in season three’s Fetch Your Arm. In that track there were slight dreamlike soothing sounds like from a synth, which are now always used for Hurley’s ‘sad’ theme.

2.) Locke’ing Horns – is heard in the scene at the cockpit of 815 where Hurley sticks up for Locke. It’s another variation of the ‘Losties Coming Together Over Something Mournful’ theme heard in Just Die Already, Win One For The Reaper, Charlie Hangs Around, Life And Death, Oceanic 815, The Last To Know, Under The Knife, Here Today, Gone To Maui, and many more, but specifically Looking Glass Half Full.

3.) Lost Away – Or Is It? – Takes place when Sayid leaves the island on Frank’s chopper, transitioning into the revelatory flashforward where we learn Sayid is a hitman for Ben in the future. This is a brilliant reworking of Sayid’s theme, which is unmistakably both mournful and ethnic. Giacchino takes this full blown, for the first time making a track that feels like a massive orchestral score holding its own on a big budget film.

4.) Backgammon Gambit – Takes place during the scene where Kate frees Miles while Sawyer distracts Locke with an irresistible game of backgammon. Open’s with Locke’s ‘Dawning On Something’ themes, and turns into Kate’s ‘Running’ theme. A snappy vibrant track with fascinating reworkings of our loved ones themes.

5.) Time And Time Again – Takes place during Desmond’s airborne electromagnetically induced dementia, wherein he is meant to calm down as the chopper is about to land on the freighter. It opens with the ‘Something Strange Is Going On With Lost’ theme (see: Claire’s Sessions With The Psychic) This is the first track on the soundtrack to play the ‘Helicopter Flies Over The Freighter’ theme. This hummable piece of music is fantastic as it employs the rarely used big bass drum, that hadn’t been heard since season three’s Under The Knife. The big bass drum is an incredible instrument when used in Lost, which highlights any scene.

6.) The Constant – God knows why this track is called the Constant. Just kidding, it takes place when Desmond finally manages to make contact with Penelope, ultimately saving him from death. The Constant, aka the Desmond Penny Love Theme. Season Four’s most beloved moment is recorded here in full to the delight of all fans. This is a more concise version of Distraught Desmond from season three’s soundtrack with more romantic violins thrown in. The track hits full swing two minutes in where there is overwhelming triumph, our two parted lovers are reunited a full 40 episodes before we all thought they would. The track loses momentum around the three and a half minute mark, to go back to the island to go through Daniel Faraday’s notebook.

7.) Maternity Hell – A very interesting piece of original music from Giacchino. It builds a scene tentatively, then drops in the theme usually used for Vincent and Hurley running, then hits you in the face with it full tilt.

8.) Karma Jin-Initiative – where Bernard talks to Jin about karma. This is a slightly shorter version of Season Two’s brilliant Rose and Bernard.

9.) Ji Yeon – The music used in the scene where Sun cries at Jin’s grave. Like Locke’ing Horns, but even MORE tragic.

10.) Michael’s Right To Remain Wrong – takes place during the scene where Michael sells Jin’s million dollar watch to buy a gun to kill himself with. What happened to the gun he had in the season two finale, I wonder? This is a wonderfully bizarre piece of music, that begins with Michael’s theme (finally! Glaring omission from season two!), last heard in Adrift where he gives Toddler Walt a toy polar bear. It quickly transforms into a mad piece of frantic violin scrubbings and magically crazy plinkly percussion.

11.) Bodies And Bungalows – the music used in the scene where Sawyer is shot at repeatedly in Dharmaville. This is a more dramatic version of season three’s Hold The Phone. It is brilliantly terrifying with drums bubbling and undulating perplexingly under the sharp violins.

12.) Benundrum – Plays over any scene where Ben fortifies his house against an attack from the freighter’s mercenaries. This is a mishmash of several ‘Impending Doom’ mood pieces from the Ben centric episode The Shape Of Things To Come. The base theme here is the same as the opening of Bodies and Bungalows, so I’m not exactly sure why it was kept in. I feel that instead we could have had the music where Ben says goodbye to his daughter amidst the apocalypse of Smokey

13.) Hostile Negotiations – The music used during IMO season four’s most shocking moment: the execution of young innocent Alexandra. It begins seriously, with abrupt bursts of brass, then the mournful strings of Ben’s ‘Humanising and Emotional’ theme come in building up softly, until we are hit full on with the theme, then it dies down and turns horrifically terrible as the high tensed strings draw out a note so offensively. Possibly the best piece of music on this soundtrack and the show itself, it captures every millisecond of the jawdroppingly powerful scene. You can show the scene to randomers who hate the show and no one can say a bad word about the execution. NPI

14.) Locke-about – The music used in Locke’s heartbreaking scene where he struggles to walk again, and is advised a Walkabout tour would do him good, by the oxymoronic appellation Matthew Abbadon. The second half of the track takes place during the scene where Keamy forms a Mutiny on the Kahana and kills Doc Ray and Captain Gault to coerce Frank Lapidus to pilot him back to the island to kill more innocent people. It’s an OKish version of Locke’s ‘sad’ theme. I, for one, would love to hear Locke’s original ‘Unbelievably Sad’ theme from season one’s Locke’d Out Again which was IMO Giacchino’s best music, but somehow only ever used twice on the show…and NOT in the scene where Locke first uses a wheelchair, WTF??? TRAVESTY!!! The song changes abruptly as it passes into the freighter scene. They should have just made that part of the track separate and replaced the Locke learning to walkabout music with the fantastic music played over the scene where Richard Alpert employs Buddhism to see if Locke is special enough to earn a place at his special school. The freighter part of the track is worth listening to near the end where the ‘Helicopter Flying Over The Freighter’ theme is played again with less triumphant sounds and more terrible undertones, now that we know that the machine is really ferrying a bunch of cutthroat bastards.

15.) There’s No Place Like Home – The first scene of the episode There’s No Place Like Home, where the Oceanic Six land in Hawaii. Michael Giacchino outdid himself here, with an amazing piece of original music with an Eastern tint that he hasn’t since bettered. It has strokes of Parting Words and The Gathering. It’s a piece of music that when you listen to, you wonder why no one had made something like this before, it’s so simple.

16.) Nadia On Your Life – Takes place during the scene WAY more important than The Constant scene, where Sayid, after eight fucking years of searching, and being blackmailed into setting up his old friends to be terrorists, is FINALLY reunited with his tragic exiled tortured soul mate, who had acid poured on her hands just for being a liberal. The music spills over onto the following scene where Sayid speeds the Zodiac raft to the island so that Faraday and Juliet can ship the Lostaways to the Freighter. This is basically season two’s A New Trade with season one’s Hollywood And Vines aka ‘The Losties Are Travelling For Important Reasons’ theme.

17.) C4-titude – Sun and Jin are shocked to see Michael aboard the freighter, but are interrupted by Desmond yelling for them to come see the ridiculous amount of C4 explosive on the boat. Uh oh. This is a dramatic mishmash of some of the tense themes of Lost and the freighter theme.

18.) Of Mice And Ben – A montage even better than the opening with There’s No Place Like Home. For me, this is where track 15 really hits its stride. It completes the best musical scene of the season as all our heroes pass off voluntarily on to certain doom…with a few more drums! Old feuds are forgotten as they act in the interests of their loved ones, which is basically all of what Lost is about. True heroes are sort of born out of moments and the reality is-is most of our characters are heroes…when the proverbial others are coming…do you man up and take action? These guys always act most nobly when they act in the spirit of the community, they protect each other. The question remains what is the fate of our castaways, how are they gonna get off this island? Ultimately it’s about these people, it always has been. This island has given them an opportunity to completely reinvent themselves and that change for these characters is really what the end game will be all about.

19.) Keamy Away From Him – The music played over the rescue of Ben and shootout between Keamy and the Islanders, ending with the stunning hand-to-hand fight with our own soldier of fortune, Sayid. This is a good piece of music using several ingredients from the soundtracks to season two and three. It’s mostly ‘The Hunt’ gone psychotic.

20.) Timecrunch – plays over Faraday coming back on the Zodiac to ferry more socks to the freighter. This is a great piece of music, drawing off The Moth theme from season one, or season two’s Charlie’s Temptation into music that gives a palpable feeling of dread, until the ‘The Losties Are Travelling For Important Reasons’ theme returns.

21.) Can’t Kill Keamy – takes place over the scene where the helicopter flies off the island. Because the main characters are too good to use the Zodiac raft, they wanna be all fancy and use a helicopter – well look how that turned out! The helicopter ended up crashing! If they’d been humble enough to use the Zodiac raft they would have crashed in the ocean. Look at the scoreboard, the freighter had TWO helicopters and one Zodiac. What’s still standing? Zodiac:1, Helicopters: Nil. This music opens with a new take on the Lost theme (Credit Where Credit’s Due, season one) and subtly lifts from the new There’s No Place Like Home and transforms it into a bit of an actioner.

22.) Bobbing For Freighters – Plays over the scene where Keamy, who obviously COULD be killed, and his dead man’s switch sets off the C4 on the freighter, causing it to explode along with several of our beloved characters. This track contains some of the best music, most notably in the final minute of the track, where the ‘Helicopter Flies Over The Freighter theme and the Jin Sun love theme become one, and it soars hopefully with desperately pounding drums, but ultimately tragic. This is a case of music completely taking you over. The great thing about Giacchino’s music is that it fully sucks you in and absorbs you into the Lost world and none more so than here with the emotionally devastating parting of our favourite married couple.

23.) Locke of the Island – The Frozen Donkey Wheel. It’s the longest Giacchino track ever released, and it throws in every instrument possible, going through so many scenes where farewells are given. It truly sums up the mood in the best possible way, giving us Locke’s theme, and Ben’s emotional theme, which is one of the strongest on the show. He brings out that big bass drum again, telling us, this is the most emotional event going on ever. Brilliant track.

24.) Lying For The Island – where The Searcher finds the survivors, and Des and Penny are reunited after three years. Sayid went for longer, pussies. In this track, curiously, are the beginnings of Jacob’s Theme, which will next be heard in the penultimate scene of the season five finale. The track is held by a long note on the violin, and then the piano comes in, with hope, then following on from that, in come the weeping cellos, and the Desmond Penny Love Theme returns more powerful and significant and more romantic than ever before.

25.) Landing Party – The music played over the slow motion scene where the Oceanic Six land on Manukangga. Because There’s No Place Like Home and Of Mice And Ben was not enough, we’re hit again with the original finale music one last time.

26.) Hoffs-Drawler – The music played over the final scene of the season, and we find what’s in the box. This is a four minute long track that only needs to be one minute. The first three minutes are just long drawn out notes that bubble under the scene that takes place. In the middle of the track we get a shout out to the music played in season one’s finale when Hurley sees the numbers on the Hatch, so it is nice to finally have that on audio to listen to. The music just murmurs under with a few keys of piano, and low low harpsichord plucks. In the final minute we get the ‘We Are About To End On A Shock’ piece of music, most recently heard in the final minute of Follow The Leader.

Overall as I am the world’s biggest Lost fan, I’m not going to rate this anything other than 100%. I’m upset at how we don’t have the music from when Sawyer kisses Kate and jumps off the helicopter, which was the creator’s favourite part of the finale. I’m glad that the music from when Michael first attempts to blow up the Kahana is omitted, as that’s just Eko Blaster from season two, aka the ‘Losties Are About To Blow Something Up’ theme. I’m also annoyed that we don’t have the music from the scene where Kate throws Jack out of her life in Something Nice Back Home, which is Jack’s season three theme, last heard in Flash Forward Flashback. However it wouldn’t be a Lost soundtrack if they didn’t forget to include musical highlights of the season (Season One: The Moth scene, and Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do scene; Season Two: Locke doesn’t push the button and Henry gets his face smashed in – the music is crazy climatic; Season Three: Locke walks off with his dead father on his back – if you end on a dialogue free music piece, make sure it’s on the soundtrack!)

So back next year to do the same thing for the season five soundtrack, probably to bitch that they didn’t include Ben’s Humanising and Emotional theme from the Monster scene in Dead Is Dead. And, also, why ARE the Lost soundtracks released so late? Is it because it takes a year to come up with puns like Karma Jin-initiative and Nadia On Your Life?

Shibboleth Act Three

2009-03-19T19:23:00.000Z

SHIBBOLETH: ACT THREE

SCENE ONE:

INT. GA943 – NIGHT

HAMZA IS AT HIS DESK. HE’S TYPING ON A COMPUTER. HE MINIMISES A WINDOW, AND OPENS UP A SEARCH DATABASE. HE PAUSES, HESITATING.

FLASHBACK TO:

HAMZA
You might have a point. But that is neither here nor there. I’m putting you away.

ANIS
You have to believe me, I have NOTHING to do with this. It’s all David Thornevil. Just investigate into Synopsense, you’ll find the same answers we did. Oscar confessed that it was him who gave away our positions to Thornevil and set up an ambush with Thornevil’s men. Investigate into Synopsense…please.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

HE TYPES IN ‘SYNOPSENSE’ TO THE SEARCH BOX. HE CLICKS SEARCH. NO RESULTS.

HAMZA
I knew it.

SCENE TWO:

INT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT

ANIS DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO SAVE EVERYONE. THIS HE UNDERSTANDS. HIS EYES DART LEFT AND RIGHT AS HE FORMULATES A PLAN. HE LOOKS AT MATT BEING HELD BY ATIA.

MATT (SILENTLY MOUTHING)
I can take her. Don’t worry about me.

DAVID
Well Mr. Seabourne, what do YOU want to do?

ANIS (NO-NONSENSE. WE USE THIS LINE IN ALL THE TRAILERS.)
All I wanna do is…

ANIS’ RIGHT ARM SPRINGS OUT BREAKING THE NECK OF THE MAN ON HIS RIGHT. IN A MATTER OF MILLISECONDS ANIS HAS HIS GUN AND FIRES FOUR TIMES.

ANIS
…and a…

THE GUN CLICKS, AND THREE MEN FALL DOWN. WE HEAR A RINGING NOISE AS WE LEARN THE FOURTH BULLET HAS SHATTERED THE DEVICE CONTROLLING THE MAGNET.

ANIS
…and take your moneyyy.

A HUMMING NOISE POWERING DOWN SIGNIFIES THE MAGNET SWITCHING OFF.

DAVID
Get him!

ANIS, NOW WITH SOME FREEDOM FOR A LITTLE MOVEMENT, AND NOW ABLE TO USE HIS GADGETS, LIFTS UP HIS LEFT HEEL AND DEFTLY SLIDES OPEN THE HIDDEN COMPARTMENT OF THE SHOE TO PULL OUT A GRENADE. HE BITES OUT THE PIN AND DROPS IT TO HIS FEET, NONCHALANTLY.

ATIA (SCREAMING)
I’ll kill McLeron!

ANIS THROWS THE GUN FROM HIS RIGHT HAND TO HIS LEFT, AND PULLS OUT HIS PHONE FROM INSIDE HIS JACKET. HE PRESSES 3 NUMBERS ON THE KEYPAD AND, AIMING THE PHONE UPWARDS, PRESSES THE DIAL BUTTON. A TINY PITON WITH RAPELLING ROPE FIRES OUT.

THE PITON FIRES THROUGH DAVID THORNEVIL’S LEFT EAR INTO THE TOP OF THE DOOR FRAME ON THE ORNATE BALCONY.

DAVID
Eeeeeeeeoww!!!

ANIS WRAPS THE RAPELLING ROPE AROUND HIS RIGHT WRIST SEVERAL TIMES, HOLDING THE TWINE TIGHT. HE PRESSES THE HANG UP BUTTON, AND IS RAPELLED UP TO THE BALCONY. AS HIS FEET LEAVE THE GROUND, THE SLOW MILITARY HENCHMEN CLAMOUR AROUND THE EMPTY SPACE ANIS HAS LEFT IN THE CROWD. ONE SPIES A BLACK THING ON THE FLOOR.

RANDOM MILITARY EVIL HENCHMAN BELONGING TO DAVID THORNEVIL #1 (RMEHBTDT #1)
Bo…

THE GRENADE EXPLODES, CREATING A COLOSSAL FIREBALL UNDER THE RAPELLING ANIS. THE RMEHBTDT ARE ENGULFED IN THE VAST FLAMING SPHERE AND IN SLOW MOTION WE SPIN AROUND THEM, SOAKING IN EVERY DETAIL OF THEIR GRISLY FLAMING DEATH, AS THE HERO FLIES REGALLY ABOVE THEM.

MATT AND ATIA FALL BACK, UNCONSCIOUS.

ISIS WATCHES THIS AMAZED.

ANIS LANDS UP ON THE BALCONY. DAVID THORNEVIL IS TRAPPED, HIS EAR CAUGHT BETWEEN THE PHONE AND PITON. HE GRUNTS ANGRILY, SUCKING BREATH LOUDLY THROUGH GRITTED TEETH.

DAVID
You bastard, you spineless little guttersnipe! How dare you, how could you possibly…

ANIS PUNCHES HIM IN THE MOUTH TWICE, KNOCKING HIM OUT. DAVID HANGS FROM THE PHONE BY HIS EAR, UNCONSCIOUS.

ANIS LOOKS DOWN AT THE FLAMING WRECKAGE ON THE GROUND BELOW. FOUR RMEHBTDT ARE LEFT STANDING, ABOUT TO FIRE.

ANIS
Yep, all I wanna do is…

ANIS FIRES FOUR TIMES.

…and a…

THE GUN CLICKS. HE DROPS THE GUN TO THE FLOOR WITH A CLANGING NOISE. THE FOUR RMEHBTDT DROP DEAD.

…and take your moneyyy.

ANIS TAKES NOTICE OF THE SCREAMS COMING FROM THE BIG SCREEN. LAUREN IS ABOUT TO DIE. HE LOOKS AT THE COUNTDOWN. HE HAS THIRTY SECONDS LEFT TO SAVE KNIGHTSBRIDGE FROM OBLITERATION.

ANIS
Ah, shit.

ANIS LOOKS AROUND AT THE KEYPAD FOR AN ABORT BUTTON. HE SPIES ONE. HE PRESSES IT, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS. HE REALISES THAT HE NEEDS A KEY IN ORDER TO OPERATE IT. HE LIFTS UP DAVID, FEELING FOR SOME KEYS. HE FINDS SOME IN A POCKET AND PULLS THEM OUT. THERE ARE ABOUT TWENTY KEYS AND ANIS SEARCHES FOR THE RIGHT ONE. HE GETS MOMENTARILY DISTRACTED BY LAUREN WEEPING BLOOD.

ANIS
Oh Jesus.

ANIS EVENTUALLY DEDUCES WHICH KEY HE NEEDS BY SIZING THEM UP TO THE KEYHOLE. HE TURNS THE KEY AND ABORTS THE TERROR HEADING FOR KNIGHTSBRIDE. HE TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT LAUREN ON THE SCREEN. HER HEAD EXPLODES.

ANIS DROPS TO HIS KNEES CRESTFALLEN AND SHAKES HIS FISTS AT THE SKY, LEANING BACKWARDS, SCREAMING.

ANIS
NOOOOOO!!!!!

DAVID STIRS, AND REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS.

DAVID
So you abandoned the bitch, did you? Does it agitate you, Seabourne that she died clinging to the feeble hope that you would rescue her?

ANIS SMOULDERS.

DAVID (LAUGHING)
Well, you won’t have to be agitated for long.

ANIS PICKS UP HIS GUN AND AIMS AT DAVID.

DAVID
Behind you.

ANIS GLANCES BEHIND HIM. HE DOUBLE TAKES AND TURNS AROUND. LAUREN IS STANDING A FEW METRES BEHIND HIM.

ANIS
Lauren?

LAUREN PULLS A GUN FROM HER TROUSERS AND AIMS IT AT ANIS.

DAVID
You fool. You were entranced by her charms, like hundreds before. She works for us. I told you about the Murdering Mistresses, didn’t I? There’s three members! Atia Shahft down there, Isis Connollyngus up there, and Lauren Ordresveyoo right here.

ANIS
The tattoo…

FLASHBACK TO:

LAUREN’S BACK CATCHES ANIS’S EYE. HE SPOTS A TATTOO AROUND HER KIDNEY. IT SAYS MM. ANIS MOUTHS ‘MATT McLERON’ AND SHAKES HIS HEAD TO REFRESH HIMSELF.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

DAVID
You have lost. Kill him, Lauren. And make it snappy.

LAUREN
Yes, sir.

LAUREN’S FINGER SQUEEZES ON THE TRIGGER. BUT SHE FALTERS A LITTLE. SHE MIGHT BE RELUNCTANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT, NOW SHE’S ACTUALLY IN THE MOMENT.

DAVID
Well? Do it.

LAUREN SHUTS HER EYES. THAT’S ENOUGH FOR ANIS. HE SPINS AROUND TO POSITION HIMSELF BEHIND DAVID, GRABS THE PHONE AND WRAPS IT AROUND DAVID’S NECK, SO HE IS READY TO GARROTT HIM.

ANIS
Just try it.

DAVID
Don’t do anything! Ugh, you should have killed him right there before, it’s not like there would have been any difficulty, jees, why did you not…

MATT COMES TO, AND TAKES ATIA’S GUN. HE AIMS AT LAUREN, BUT SEES ISIS SNIPING ANIS FROM HIGH UP NEAR THE CEILING. HE CHECKS HOW MANY BULLETS THERE ARE LEFT. ONE. NOT ENOUGH FOR BOTH ISIS, DAVID, AND LAUREN. OR IS IT?

DAVID (CONT’D)
…realise that time is ACTUALLY a crucial factor in matters like this…

ANIS SPOTS MATT AIMING THE GUN. ANIS BLINKS, COMPREHENDING.

MATT FIRES THE GUN AT THE DOMED GLASS CEILING. THE GLASS SHATTERS AND RAINS DOWN ON EVERYBODY. ISIS FALLS OVER UNDER IT ALL. ANIS, WHO HAD BEEN EXPECTING THIS, CLIMBS ONTO THE RAILING ON THE BALCONY. LAUREN RUNS OVER TO STOP HIM. ANIS JUMPS OFF THE BALCONY, BUT LAUREN HOLDS ONTO HIS SATCHEL. ANIS’ JUMP GOES AWRY, SO HE ENDS UP DOING A SPECTACULAR FLIP, DITCHING THE SATCHEL. HE LANDS ON HIS KNEES AND CARRIES ON ROLLING OVER THROUGH THE FLAMING CORPSES. HE STOPS ROLLING AND SPRINGS TO HIS FEET RUNNING OVER TO MATT.

MATT THROWS HIM A GUN.

MATT
Let’s get the hell outta here.

ANIS
You don’t have to tell me twice.

ANIS KICKS OUT THE DOOR, DODGING BULLETS FIRED BY LAUREN.

SCENE THREE:

INT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT

ANIS AND MATT ARE RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES. CHAOTIC ALARMS ARE BLARING.

MORE SOLDIERS ARE AFTER THEM. THEY SHOOT, BUT AS THEY ARE NAMELESS AND HAVE NO SIGNIFICANT BACKSTORIES, THEIR BULLETS HAVE NO CHANCE OF HITTING CHARACTERS WITH SUCH SIGNIFICANT ROLES. FOOLS.

MATT
You remember a way out?

ANIS
I think it’s down here.

HE TURNS INTO A DEAD END.

ANIS
Ah.

ANIS NOTICES A CAMERA AND SPOTS BLOOD ON THE FLOOR. REALISING THE BLOOD IS FAKE HE WORKS OUT THAT THIS IS THE ROOM WHERE LAUREN FAKED HER DEATH.

MATT
Let’s go.

THEY TURN BACK, TO GET CONFRONTED BY THREE RMEHBTDT WHO AIM AT THEM.

MATT AND ANIS JUMP FLAT TO THE FLOOR, THEN ROLL IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS. THE RMEHBTDT FIRE BUT THEIR BULLETS MISS.

MATT RUNS DIRECTLY AT ONE OF THEM. WHEN HE REACHES HIM, HE CARRIES ON RUNNING SO THAT HE RUNS UP THE RMEHBTDT’S TORSO AND KICKS HIS FACE TO THE SIDE IN AN UNNECESSARILY SHOWY SPIN KICK. THE RMEHBTDT’S HEAD GOES ALL EXORCIST-Y AND HE DROPS DEAD.

ANIS IS FACING OFF WITH THE TWO OTHER RMEHBTDT. HE IS THROWN THROUGH A GLASS PANE INTO A ROOM.

THE ROOM IS A GAMES ROOM. ANIS GETS UP FROM THE GLASS AND GRABS A POOL CUE AND SWINGS IT MADLY. IT HITS A RMEHBTDT WHOSE NAME IS COLIN. COLIN FALLS TO THE GROUND. ANIS DEFTLY STABS THE POOL CUE DEEP INTO MACHINE GUN OF THE SECOND RMEHBTDT, WHOSE NAME IS BRIAN. BRIAN PULLS THE TRIGGER FOOLISHLY AND IS ALSO KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR AS THE GUN VAPORISES IN HIS HANDS. MATT COMES IN AND TAKES COLIN, WHO IS GETTING BACK ON HIS FEET. COLIN SWINGS AT MATT, BUT MATT DUCKS AND SIDEKICKS COLIN IN THE GUT. COLIN IS CARRIED OFF HIS FEET AND FALLS INTO A CLOSET. HE FALLS OUT, AS THE CLOSET WOBBLES, IT’S CONTENTS SPILLING. A GOLF SHOE FALLS OUT AND LANDS SPIKE DOWN ON COLIN’S FACE. COLIN SCREAMS AS HIS FACE IS PIERCED BY THIRTY ODD SHARP SPIKES. COLIN IS NO MORE. MATT GOES TO HELP ANIS. HE PICKS OUT A GOLF CLUB FROM THE CLOSET AND THROWS IT TO ANIS. ANIS DUCKS DOWN AND SWINGS THE CLUB, SWEEPING UNDER BRIAN’S FEET. BRIAN FALLS OVER AGAIN. HE GETS BACK UP. MATT LOBS A GOLF BALL AT HIS FACE. IT ACTUALLY LANDS IN BRIAN’S MOUTH. GOOD SHOT. ANIS SWINGS THE CLUB INTO BRIAN’S FACE, NOT REALISING BRIAN IS HOLDING A GOLFBALL IN HIS TEETH. THE CLUB CONNECTS, SHATTERING BRIAN’S TEETH AND KILLING HIM.

ANIS
Whoa, what the fuck?

BLOOD BUBBLES OUT OF BRIAN’S GOB.

ANIS
Shit, I only meant to knock him out.

MATT
They’re all dead.

ANIS
Let’s scarper.

ANIS AND MATT RUN OUT INTO THE ATRIUM. LAUREN AND DAVID ARE THERE WITH ATIA AND THE FEW REMAINING HENCHMEN.

DAVID
Get them!

ANIS THROWS THE GOLF CLUB AT THEM. IT FLIES ABOUT FOUR FEET, NOWHERE NEAR ANY ENEMY. ANIS DUCKS DOWN BEHIND A PLANT, WHILE MATT SHOOTS BLINDLY FROM BEHIND A PILLAR. ANIS PULLS OUT HIS CAR KEYS. HE SQUEEZES THE KEY TO THE MERC AND A KEYPAD WITH A SCREEN POPS UP. HE PRESSES DOWN ON THE KEYPAD.

CUT TO:

EXT. THORNEVILLAGE - NIGHT

THE MERCEDES TURNS ON.

CUT TO:

INT. THORNEVILLAGE ATRIUM – NIGHT

ANIS DRAGS HIS FINGER ACROSS THE KEYPAD. THE SCREEN SHOWS THE CAR’S POINT OF VIEW. ON THE SCREEN WE SEE THAT THE CAR IS DRIVING UP SOME STAIRS.

ANIS GETS UP AND SHOUTS TO MATT.

ANIS
Matt, let’s go.

THEY RUN TOWARDS THE EXIT, BUT SUDDENLY ISIS ABSEILS DOWN ON A CABLE IN FRONT OF THEM. HANGING UP TEN FEET IN THE AIR, SHE GLARES AT THEM. GLASS HAS LACERATED PARTS OF HER FACE. SHE AIMS A BAZOOKA AT THEM.

BEHIND HER, THE MERCEDES COMES FLYING AIRBORNE THROUGH THE GLASS ENTRANCE. IT CONNECTS HEAD ON WITH ISIS, DRIVING INTO HER BACK, SENDING HER SWINGING FORWARD ON HER CABLE. SHE IS SWUNG UP IN THE AIR, BUT IS CARRIED IN A CIRCLE. THERE IS A GANGWAY THE CABLE IS TYING ITSELF AROUND WITH SO SHE IS SWUNG BACK UPSIDE DOWN INTO THE GLASS ENTRANCE. SHE BURSTS THROUGH THE GLASS SO SHE IS OUTSIDE THE BUILDING. SHE SWINGS BACK DOWN INTO THE GLASS BUT THIS TIME, SHE DOESN’T SMASH THROUGH THE GLASS, HAVING LOST MOMENTUM. HER FACE SQUISHES OUT ON THE GLASS, HER EXPRESSION SPEECHLESS.

OUR TWO HEROES DON’T HAVE TIME TO LAUGH.

ANIS
Get in!

THEY YANK OPEN THE CAR DOORS AND JUMP IN. ANIS PUTS THE KEY IN AND STARTS DRIVING NORMALLY. HE STEERS THE CAR AROUND, WHILE EVERYBODY SHOOTS AT IT. ANIS DRIVES OUT OF THE BUILDING JUST IN TIME TO HIT ISIS WHO FALLS OUT OF HER HARNESS. THEY DRIVE OVER HER BODY AS THEY GO DOWN THE STAIRS. THEY DRIVE OFF. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, ISIS PICKS HERSELF UP, STILL SOMEHOW ALIVE. SHE GLARES AT THE CAR IN THE DISTANCE.

SCENE FOUR:

INT. MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR – NIGHT

ANIS HAS NO IDEA WHERE HE CAN BE SAFE SO HE JUST DRIVES, NO DIRECTION IN PARTICULAR.

HE ASCERTAINS THAT THEY AREN’T IN ANY IMMEDIATE DANGER AND PARKS HIS CAR ON A QUIET STREET. HE SIGHS.

MATT
Well, where are we?

ANIS
Somewhere outside West Sussex.

MATT
No, I mean with the mission to clear your name.

ANIS
Lauren grabbed my bag. That had all the evidence in.

MATT
Dammit!

ANIS
We’re back to square one, except now our biggest ally is dead.

MATT
Blake was a good guy.

ANIS
He was brilliant, I don’t know what to do.

MATT
We get some rest. We get our strength back, and tomorrow we take them on again.

ANIS
Yeah, sure…

ANIS SIGHS AND TILTS THE SEAT BACK SO HE RECLINES. HE LOOKS MOURNFULLY OUT OF THE WINDOW.

FADE TO BACK.

SCENE FIVE:

INT. MODERN METALLIC OFFICE – NIGHT

THIS OFFICE IS ALSO AN AQUARIUM. DAVID IS STOOD IN FRONT OF A DESK. DAVID LOOKS PANICKED. BEHIND HIM AT THE DOOR ARE ALL THREE MURDERING MISTRESSES. SEATED AT THE DESK IS SOMEONE HIDDEN FROM VIEW. ALL WE CAN SEE ARE HIS BLACK GLOVES. ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE DESK, A HULKING BLACK MAN WITH RIDICULOUS MUSCLES BARES HIS SHINY WHITE TEETH IN A SMILE. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK, A THIN GANGLY MAN COVERED IN RUBBISH PLAYS WITH AN ELASTIC BAND.

MYSTERIOUS GLOVED PRESUMABLY MAN BECAUSE DAVID REFERRED TO HIM AS SIR
Thank you for agreeing to see me at such short notice.

DAVID
Of course, sir.

MYSTERIOUS GLOVED PRESUMABLY MAN BECAUSE DAVID REFERRED TO HIM AS SIR
You let him get away. Even to a guy like me, that’s cold. I don’t like that. Not. One. Bit.

WE FINALLY SEE WHO IS SPEAKING FOR THE FIRST TIME. THE BIG BAD, THE PERSON ORCHESTRATING IT ALL NOW HAS THE CAMERA RESTING ON HIS FACE. HIS FACE IS CAKED IN FLOURY WHITE POWDERY MAKE UP. THERE ARE FLOURY DEPOSITS ALL OVER HIS DESK. HIS HAIR IS LONG AND STRAGGLY, AND UNWASHED. HE LOOKS LIKE A FRIGHTENING VAGRANT. A PAIR OF EXAGGERATED RED LIPS HAVE BEEN PAINTED OVER HIS MOUTH AND CHEEKS, BUT OVER TIME THE RED HAS DARKENED SO NOW IT LOOKS LIKE BLOOD. THE SWEATY CLOWN MAKEUP OBSCURES THE AWFUL SCARS WHICH WIDEN HIS MOUTH INTO A PERMANENT GHOULISH SMILE. CLOTHING IS CUSTOM, NO LABELS. NOTHING IN HIS POCKET BUT KNIVES AND LINT. NO NAME, JUST THE ALIAS KHUSTY THE KLOWN.

KHUSTY
Well, I know you let Anis go, don’t worry. You’ll always be my friend. I love you, you know that?

THE HULKING BLACK HENCHMAN…WHOSE NAME IS HENCHMAN…BECAUSE HE IS BOTH A MAN AND PRETTY HENCH…STARTS LAUGHING. IT’S A MIXTURE OF FRANK BRUNO AND DR. HIBBERT.

HENCHMAN
Hegh hegh hegh hegh heh.

DAVID
Sir?

KHUSTY
I love you…and I’m in love with you. I know, how is it possible to be both? Never worry Thornevil, I will never ever let you go.

DAVID LOOKS AT HENCHMAN WHO HAS BEEN LAUGHING A LOT. DAVID IS UNNERVED AND UNSETTLED.

KHUSTY PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE DESK. DAVID FALLS THROUGH A TRAP DOOR. MOMENTS LATER WE SEE HIM SQUIRMING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS IN THE AQUARIUM, BEATING ON THE WINDOW, BUBBLES BURSTING FROM HIS MOUTH. PIRANHAS SWIM OVER AND GOBBLE HIM UP.

KHUSTY
Do you think I’m sadistic?

DAVID GYRATES STRICKEN AS HE TRIES TO AVOID THE PIRANHA’S TEETH. NEEDLESS TO SAY, HIS THRASHING IS USELESS.

KHUSTY
This is me at my most masochistic.

AN OVERWHELMING AMOUNT OF RED PERVADES THE AQUARIUM. EVENTUALLY IT CLEARS AND ALL THAT IS LEFT IS A CLEAN SKELETON.

KHUSTY
Wasteman…

THE THIN GANGLY MAN COVERED IN WASTE ACKNOWLEDGES KHUSTY.

KHUSTY (CONT’D)
Looks like David has no ‘body’ to swim with!

HENCHMAN’S LAUGHING INCREASES.

WASTEMAN (NERVOUSLY)
Haha, I get it.

KHUSTY
Because he doesn’t have a body any more!

WASTEMAN (REALISING)
Oh NOW I get it.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

KHUSTY
And nobody’s swimming with him!

WASTEMAN (REALISING)
Oh NOW I get it

HIS LAUGHTER IS GENUINE, NOW FINALLY HAVING UNDERSTOOD THE JOKE.

KHUSTY
Lauren, Atia, Isis.

THEY STEP FORWARD.

KHUSTY
You have now been promoted, and if you’re wondering if there is a pay rise, you now own all of Thornevil’s property…

THE GIRLS FLUSH RED WITH GREEDY DELIGHT.

KHUSTY
…on the condition that you bring Anis Seabourne to me. Ten point seven billion. That’s quite a sum.

LAUREN
We bring Anis to you…and we get ten point seven billion pounds?

ATIA
Are you fucking kidding me?

KHUSTY
Go get him girls. Moohahahahahahaha…jaa.

SCENE SIX:

INT. MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR - DAY

ANIS STIRS.

MATT IS SAT UP STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW.

ANIS
What’s our plan of action?

MATT
Seeing as we have no evidence, and the one person who could have backed us up authentically is dead, I think we either storm in again or we go into hiding.

ANIS
Well we can’t go into hiding, that maniac has a cataclysmic weapon that needs to be deactivated. It’s amazing he hasn’t destroyed anything already. Knightsbridge escaped by a nose.

MATT
What does the Shibboleth device actually do?

ANIS
I’m not sure, just yesterday Thornevil said that he would ‘obliterate’ Knightsbridge with it.

MATT
GA943 are still after us. They have no idea that you saved all their lives.

ANIS
Well in this line of work, we’re used to it.

MATT
What could he want to do with it? There’s been nothing on the radio about any cities getting obliterated.

ANIS
It could be used as a ransom. He’ll being seeing dollar signs.

MATT
With a device like that…wait a minute…dollar signs…

ANIS
What?

MATT
Synop$ense!

ANIS
Synopsense. I forgot about that.

MATT
Synop-dollar sign-ence! Actually that was a tip from Lauren.

ANIS SAYS NOTHING.

MATT
Ah, sore subject. Forget about girls, man.

ANIS SAYS NOTHING.

MATT
Well, look let’s go investigate into Synop$ense.

ANIS
You’re right. That’s our last lead.

SCENE SEVEN:

INT. GA943 – DAY

ALL THE AGENTS ARE SAT AT THEIR DESKS. SUDDENLY AGENT MARIA SEES SOMETHING POP UP ON HER SCREEN.

MARIA
I think I’ve found Anis.

LAWRATU BURSTS OUT OF MARIGOLD’S OLD OFFICE. SHE COMES OVER TO MARIA AND BENDS DOWN TO TALK TO HER.

LAWRATU
Where?

MARIA
Like yesterday when Emma found them at Croydon, someone’s logged onto our database using a passkey encryption. Despite the anonymity of the encryption, it’s logically them because everyone else who works here is trapped here.

LAWRATU
‘Trapped’ here, huh?

MARIA
Erm…

LAWRATU
How good is the intel?

MARIA
It’s perfect.

LAWRATU
So where are they?

MARIA
They’re in a library near Horsham.

LAWRATU STANDS UP.

LAWRATU
Everybody move out! We’re going to Horsham.

EVERYBODY STANDS UP.

HAMZA
Hey, Horsham, that’s in West Sussex. And so’s Thornevillage, do you not think it’s connected?

LAWRATU
We don’t have time for this, shut up or hand over your gun.

HAMZA SHUTS UP.

LAWRATU
That’s what I thought.

SCENE EIGHT:

INT. LIBRARY – DAY

ANIS AND MATT ARE SAT AT A COMPUTER RESEARCHING SYNOP$ENSE.

ANIS
Right let’s see what we find.

HE TYPES IN ‘SYNOPSENSE’

MATT
No, not Synopsense, Synop-dollar sign-ense. Synopsense won’t help you find anything, you gotta have the dollar sign

ANIS CLEARS THE FIELD, AND TYPES SYNOP$ENSE.

ANIS
One result.

HE CLICKS ON IT.

ANIS (READING)
‘Synop$ense, a company founded on the backs of our brothers devoted to streamlining an innovative cost effective brighter tomorrow…’ erm, I’ll skip all this.

MATT
Find an address, we can take further action then.

ANIS SEARCHES.

ANIS
Nothing, not even a contact number. It does say that they are based in Brighton, but that’s all we’ve got to go on.

SCENE NINE:

INT. KHUSTY’S BASE - DAY

ATIA, ISIS, AND LAUREN ARE WALKING DOWN A CORRIDOR.

ATIA
Ten point seven billion, just to find some gangly bloke and his mate?

LAUREN
That’s three point fifty seven billion each.

THE GIRLS ALL SEE DOLLAR SIGNS.

ATIA
Well we better bloody find him, then.

ISIS NODS.

LAUREN
I already know where he is. He and Matt are just a little bit of detecting away from finding this place, so they’ll be on their way to meet us soon enough. All they need to find us is a library.

ATIA
We need to look in the nearest libraries near Thornevillage. Lauren, you stay here in case he gets here before you find him.

LAUREN
Fine, you girls go. Split up, it’ll make it quicker finding them. Isis, take that bazooka.

ISIS SMILES.

SCENE TEN:

INT. LIBRARY – DAY

MATT AND ANIS ARE EATING SOME SUBWAY SANDWICHES.

MATT
You know what they should do?

ANIS
What?

MATT
A KFP.

ANIS
What the hell?

MATT
A KFP!

ANIS
What the hell’s a KFP?

MATT
Kentucky Fried Pork!

ANIS
You are…the biggest idiot…I’ve ever…

MATT
No come on, are you seriously telling me you wouldn’t go to a KFP if it was down the road?

ANIS
I’m a Muslim!

MATT
So? Who doesn’t like pork, pork is the best of all the meats!

ANIS
Pigs are dirty animals, mate, you just don’t understand.

MATT
Come off it, you eat chips, right?

ANIS
Well, obviously.

MATT
Potatoes grow out of mud and manure, and you wouldn’t consider it dirty?

ANIS
Oh you’ve won the argument now, have you? By pointing out some insignificant smart alecky well presented substanceless detail.

MATT
You’re just snotty cos I won.

ANIS
Snotty?

MATT
Snooty.

ANIS
Snooty?

MATT
Snotty!! And by the way, check yourself, substanceless isn’t a word.

A LIBRARIAN COMES OVER.

LIBRARIAN
There’s no eating in the library.

MATT
Ok…erm…ok.

LIBRARIAN
You can finish it off outside, but absolutely no eating in the library.

AFTER THAT BRILLIANT REASONED ARGUMENT FROM MATT, HE AND ANIS HAVE NO CHOICE. THEY STAND UP AND WALK OFF.

ANIS
Is there any point taking this info to GA943?

MATT
How do you mean?

ANIS
Well, all I wanna say is that they don’t really care about us.

MATT
I know, it’s like skinhead, deadhead, everybody gone bad, situation, segregation, everybody allegation.

ANIS
You get me? Some things in life they just don’t want to see, but if Marigold was living, she wouldn’t let this be oh no yeah yeah yeah.

MATT
Oh, mate?

ANIS
Yes?

MATT
I don’t think there’s any worry about bringing it to GA943.

ANIS
Why’s that?

MATT
Because they’re here.

ANIS
What?!!

MATT
Look!

THEY SEE AGENT LAURA SEARCH AROUND THE COMPUTERS WHERE THEY WERE JUST SITTING.

THEY KEEP CALM AND WALK CONFIDENTLY OUT OF THE LIBRARY.

ANIS
Ok, chances are there’s more than one and one of them’s seen us: RUN.

HE AND MATT ARE ABOUT TO EXCEPT THEY SEE ISIS IN A CAR ABOUT FIFTY FEET AWAY.

MATT
Aw, shit!

LAWRATU
FREEZE!!

SHE AND EIGHT OTHER AGENTS EMERGE FROM THE LIBRARY, FROM BEHIND THEM, BEHIND CARS, AND FROM AROUND THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING.

ANIS HAS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET. NO ONE NOTICES HIS CAR ENGINE TURN ON AND START DRIVING.

ANIS
Lawratu, listen…

LAWRATU
Shut up!

ISIS LOADS UP THE BAZOOKA AND LEANS OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW.

LAWRATU
Put your hands on your head, now!

ANIS LIFTS HIS HANDS OUT OF HIS POCKET AND RAISES THEM TO HIS HEAD. HE SEES ISIS TAKE AIM. HE MAKES A JERKING MOVEMENT WITH HIS FINGER ON THE KEYPAD.

ISIS FIRES AT HIM.

THE MERCEDES BUTTS HER CAR MAKING HER POINT THE MISSILE OFF TARGET.

ANIS
DIVE!

ANIS AND MATT DIVE TO THE GROUND AS A MISSILE FLIES OVER THEIR HEADS.

CUT TO:

INT. LIBRARY

TWO CHILDREN ARE WHISPERING. THE LIBRARIAN IS DISPLEASED.

LIBRARIAN
Quiet please.

EVERYONE IS BLOWN TO THE GROUND WITH THE FORCE OF THE DEAFENING EXPLOSION FROM ISIS’ AWRY MISSILE.

CUT TO:

EXT. LIBRARY

LAWRATU SCREAMS AS SHE IS BURIED UNDER FLAMING RUBBLE. EVERYONE FALLS OVER. ISIS FURIOUSLY RIGHTS HERSELF AND TAKES AIM AGAIN BUT ANIS AND MATT ARE GONE. SHE SCOWLS.

SCENE ELEVEN:

INT. MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR - DAY

ANIS AND MATT ARE IN THE CAR, PUTTING THEIR SEATBELTS ON.

MATT
Drive.

ANIS DOES.

ANIS
Where are we going?

MATT
Synop$ense is based in Brighton, we need to go there.

ANIS SWERVES DOWN A SIDE LANE.

CUT TO:

EXT. LIBRARY

AGENTS FROM GA943 GET TO THEIR FEET, EXCEPT LAWRATU WHO IS BURIED UNDER A PILE OF RUBBLE.

LAURA
Is she dead?

HAMZA
Who cares?

LAURA
Do we go after Anis?

HAMZA
How about we go after the psychotic blonde with the rocket launcher?

THE OTHER AGENTS SMILE.

CUT TO:

INT. MERCEDES

ANIS
Well Brighton’s a big area…there was no address. Just a code at the bottom saying 00S 423

MATT
Yeah, no idea what that’s about.

ANIS
It’s in the form of a postcode, but I’ve never heard of anything beginning with a double zero. Ugh, we shouldn’t have got those Subways, I coulda researched that code. I’d use my PDA but I left it in Thornevillage. Ooo, better steer here.

ANIS SHARPLY TURNS THE CAR, AVOIDING A MISSILE WHICH HITS A LORRY IN FRONT OF THEM. THE EIGHTEEN WHEELER, WHICH ONLY HAS SIXTEEN WHEELS, FLIPS END OVER END.

MATT
Dude, this car’s indestructible, why did you swerve? You probably inadvertently killed a lot of people.

ANIS
Oh crap, your right.

MATT
Darn tootin’.

ANIS
Alright, your choice, shall we take evasive action, or offensive action?

MATT
Let’s go on the offensive.

ANIS
Ok, your call.

ANIS SLIDES A PANEL OFF THE STEERING WHEEL. UNDERNEATH ARE SEVERAL SWITCHES.

HE PICKS ONE.

THE MERCEDES’ HEADLAMPS SLIDE UP AND OPEN TO REVEAL A PAIR OF SMART TORPEDOES. ANIS FIRES BOTH. THEY FIRE OUT OF THE CAR AND TAKE OFF INTO THE AIR. THEY TURN OVER AND HEAD TOWARDS ISIS’ CAR. ISIS JUMPS OUT OF HER CAR WITH HER BAZOOKA. SHE DIVES THROUGH THE WINDOW OF A PARKED CAR. SHE SMASHES THE GLASS AND LANDS AWKWARDLY ON THE GEAR STICK. THE TORPEDOES HIT HER CAR AND IT EXPLODES. SHE EXTRICATES HERSELF FROM THE GEAR STICK AND PULLS A SCREWDRIVER FROM HER POCKET. SHE STABS IT INTO THE KEYHOLE AND THE CAR STARTS. SHE DRIVES OFF AFTER THEM.

MATT
When in doubt, go on the offensive.

HIS RELIEF IS CURBED AS A MISSILE EXPLODES AGAINST THE BACK WINDSCREEN.

ANIS
Whaaaat the fuck!

MATT
Jesus, didn’t we just kill her?

ANIS
Yeah, “we” certainly didn’t.

ANIS HITS FOUR SWITCHES.

AT THE BACK OF THE CAR, THE EXHAUST SPEWS OUT A THICK BLACK LIQUID, A METAL TRAY SLIDES DOWN BEHIND THE EXHAUST PIPE AND EMPTIES ABOUT FIFTY OR SO TIRE SLASHERS AND MINES ONTO THE ROAD.

ANIS
I dispensed some mines to make sure.

ISIS SPEEDS OVER THE OIL SLICKED ROAD. HER TYRES ARE BURST BY THE SLASHERS AND THE CAR SWERVES INTO AN UNCONTROLLABLE POWERSLIDE. THE MINES GO OFF AND THE CAR IS SPUN ONTO ITS SIDE IN A FANTASTIC EXPLOSION. ISIS IS SPUN OFF HER SEAT OUT OF THE WINDOW WITH ANOTHER SMASH OF GLASS. SHE LANDS ON THE ROAD AND SPINS OVER AND OVER THE TYRE SLASHERS AND OIL. SHE SITS UP, SHAKEN, SPIKES STICKING ALL OUT OF HER HEAD, TORSO, ARMS AND LEGS, HER BODY BLACKENED BY THE OIL. SHE STARES DOWN AT HER SPIKED TORSO AND BEHIND HER THE REST OF THE MINES GO OFF. SHE IS BLOWN FORWARD SEVERAL METRES AND THE CAR LANDS WHERE SHE HAD BEEN SAT MOMENTS BEFORE. ISIS IS FACE DOWN IN THE ROAD, MOTIONLESS.

THEN SHE STANDS UP ERECT, EMOTIONLESS.

SHE PICKS UP HER MISSILE LAUNCHER AND PULLS OUT SOME OF THE SPIKES FROM HER ARM AS SHE WALKS CALMLY TO ANOTHER CAR. SHE PUNCHES THROUGH THE DRIVER’S WINDOW.

THE DRIVER JERKS TERRIFIED HAVING WITNESSED THE EXPLOSION.

ISIS GLARES AT THE DRIVER. I.E. GET…OUT…

THE DRIVER IS SCARED SHITLESS OF THIS BURNT PSYCHOTIC BITCH BRANDISHING A BAZOOKA WITH SPIKES STICKING OUT OF HER HEAD AND ABANDONS THE CAR. ISIS GETS IN AND DRIVES AFTER ANIS.

SHE GUNS IT DOWN A SIDE STREET PARALLEL TO OUR HEROES AND OVER TAKES THEM. SHE GETS ABOUT 500 METRES IN FRONT AND THEN SWERVES ONTO THEIR STREET. SHE FIRES A MISSILE AT THE CAR IN FRONT OF THEM.

ANIS AND MATT JUMP AT THE FIREBALL ERUPTING IN FRONT OF THEM AND CRASH INTO IT.

ANIS
Seriously, dude, what the hell!

MATT
Fuck me! What are you doing wrong?

ANIS
Aw, fuck this.

ANIS FLIPS A SWITCH AND TWO JOYSTICKS DESCEND FROM THE CEILING. HE CLUTCHES BOTH AND SQUEEZES THE TRIGGERS. FROM BEHIND THE GRILLE, A PAIR OF MOUNTED MACHINE GUNS BEGIN FIRING.

ANIS FIRES CONTINUALLY UNTIL THE FLAMING WRECK OF THE DESTROYED INNOCENT CAR IS SHOT OUT OF THE WAY, LEAVING A CLEAR PATH TO SHOOT ISIS’ CAR.

HE DOES. ISIS’ CAR IS PEPPERED WITH HOLES AND STARTS TO LOOK LIKE A CHEESE GRATER. ISIS KNOCKS OUT THE WINDSCREEN WITH HER BAZOOKA. SHE SITS CALMLY IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT.

IT HITS THE CAR.

ANIS AND MATT, SAFE FROM DAMAGE DUE TO THE RESILIENCE OF THE CAR, STILL SCREAM BECAUSE THEY ARE TEMPORARILY BLINDED BY THE FLAMES.

ISIS SMIRKS AT THE CAR. SHE STOPS AS SHE SEES IT SPEED THROUGH THE FLAMES RIGHT FOR HER.

MATT
This girl sure is tenacious, isn’t she?

ANIS
That’s one way to describe her.

ANIS FLICKS ANOTHER SWITCH. BATTERING RAMS EMERGE FROM EACH SIDE OF THE CAR’S GRILLE. ANIS ACCELERATES TOWARDS ISIS’ CAR.

HE HITS, RAMMING HER CAR BACK. SHE FLIES FORWARD THROUGH THE CLEAR WINDSCREEN ONTO THE MERCEDES’ BONNET.

ANIS AND MATT LOOK CURIOUSLY AT THIS RELENTLESS BEAUTIFUL SILENT MONSTER. SHE TILTS HER HEAD CURIOUSLY BACK, HALF SINCERE, HALF MOCKING.

MATT
Do something, man.

ANIS HITS SOME SWITCHES, BUT MOST OF HIS ARSENAL HAS BEEN EXHAUSTED.

STINGER MISSILES RISE OUT OF THE BONNET. THEY FIRE, BUT ISIS EASILY DODGES THEM. THE MISSILES DESTROY SOME BILLBOARDS.

MATT
Can’t you get rid of her, man?

ANIS
Dammit, all my other offensive weaponry is for long range.

MATT
You don’t have any kind of, like, stun zappers or something.

ANIS
Nah, T didn’t mention that.

MEANWHILE, ISIS LITHELY CREEPS OVER THE WINDSCREEN ONTO THE ROOF. SHE PULLS OUT A CIGARETTE FROM A SPECIAL CASE. SHE LIGHTS IT AND STUBS IT ON THE ROOF. WE LEARN THAT SHE ISN’T STUBBING IT OUT, IT’S ACTUALLY A SPECIALISED HEATING DEVICE AND SHE IS BURNING THROUGH THE SUN ROOF.

MATT SPIES THESE SHENANIGANS ABOVE HIS HEAD BY A SMALL GLOWING RED HOLE IN THE ROOF.

MATT
Hey! She’s burning through the sunroof!

ANIS
What, that can’t be right, the car’s fireproof.

MATT
Well, she’s having quite a successful time.

ANIS
Oh of course, the exception is the sunroof.

MATT
Why?

ANIS
Because of the ejector seat.

ANIS HAS AN IDEA.

ANIS
Your seatbelt’s on right?

MATT
Always.

ANIS
I have to eject you.

MATT
Whoa, what!

ANIS
You’ll be fine, as long as you’re strapped in.

MATT SCOFFS.

ANIS
Now when I press this button, the roof will slide open and you will fire up into the sky. I want you to plant this…

ANIS PICKS UP A TINY DEVICE OUT FROM THE WHEEL.

ANIS (CONT’D)
…onto Isis. It’s a GPS tracker. I’ll be able to follow her with the all points radar system.

MATT TAKES THE TRACKING BUG.

MATT
What about me?

ANIS
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser. You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger. You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together. All I know is that love will save the day.

MATT
Hmm I suppose, could you be a little less vague?

ANIS
Keep your head, and if I don’t make it, you have to find out the location of Synop$ense and thwart Thornevil and the Murdering Mistresses…and whoever owns Synop$ense.

MATT
Mm.

ANIS
Good luck, dude!

ANIS PRESSES A BUTTON UNDER THE HANDBRAKE. THE ROOF SUDDENLY SLIDES OPEN.

ISIS RECOILS AND TURNS OFF THE BURNING CIGARETTE. SHE LOOKS INSIDE THE CAR.

MATT IS SENT FLYING INTO THE AIR HIGH ALOFT BILLOWING GUSTS OF STEAM. ON HIS WAY UP, HE GRABS ISIS AROUND THE NECK BOTH THROTTLING HER AND PLANTING THE BUG.

HE HOLDS ON TIGHT AND LIFTS HER INTO THE AIR, BAZOOKA AND ALL.

UNFORTUNATELY, AS HE WAS EJECTED JUST AS THE MERCEDES WAS DRIVING UNDER A LAMPPOST, ISIS DOES NOT GET VERY HIGH. HER SKULL SMASHES INTO THE LAMPPOST AND MATT CARRIES ON INTO THE SKY.

THE CAR ROOF SLIDES BACK SHUT.

MATT
Errrrrrrrrrrrr…

ISIS HITS THE GROUND WITH A CRACK. FURIOUS, SHE AIMS AT MATT, BUT REALISES SHE ONLY HAS ONE ROCKET LEFT.

SHE STANDS UP AND PUNCHES THROUGH A RANDOM PARKED CAR’S WINDOW. SHE YANKS OPEN THE DOOR AND RIPS OFF THE COVERING BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL. SHE PUNCHES THE WIRES LYING UNDERNEATH. THE CAR STARTS.

THE EJECTED CHAIR’S PARACHUTE OPENS AND MATT LANDS SAFELY ON A CACTUS.

SCENE TWELVE:

EXT. BRIGHTON DOCK AREA - DAY

MEANWHILE, ANIS IS FORCED TO GO TO THE DOCKS. ISIS HAS PURSUED HIM AND THEY ARE BOTH ON THEIR LAST BIT OF WEAPONRY, AND NEITHER WANTS TO USE IT UP ON A SHOT THAT ISN’T DEADLY.

ANIS MANOEUVRES OVER A DOCK.

ISIS SEES HER CHANCE.

ISIS PSYCHOTICALLY BLOWS OUT THE DOCK AND IT CRUMPLES INTO THE WATER. THE MERCEDES FLIPS OVER INTO THE WATER.

A SMALL CROWD GATHERS.

CUT TO:

INT. SUBMERGED MERCEDES

IN ANIS’ CAR, WATER IS SEEPING IN.

ANIS
What? Isn’t this thing waterproof?

FLASHBACK TO:

T PULLS A TARPAULIN OFF A BIG SEXY LOOKING CAR. A SLEEK MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR.

T
Your new car: bulletproof, bombproof, shockproof, fireproof, laserproof, and burglarproof. Proof of just about anything.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS
Ohhh yeaaaah…

CAR’S VOICE
Scanning all systems.

ANIS LOOKS AT THE STEERING WHEEL. THE MERCEDES LOGO IN THE CENTER DISAPPEARS LEAVING A RED BUTTON WITH WHITE LETTERING ON.

CAR’S VOICE
Damage: catastrophic.

ANIS READS THE WHITE LETTERING. IT READS ‘IN CASE OF UNDERWATER EMERGENCY’. WATER IS COMING IN AT ALL SIDES, ALL OVER HIS BLACK OXFORDS. ANIS ADJUSTS HIS POSITION. HITS THE BUTTON.

CUT TO:

EXT. BRIGHTON DOCK AREA

PEOPLE STARE AT THE SMOKING WRECK, INCHING CLOSER…

CUT TO:

INT. SUBMERGED MERCEDES

CAR’S VOICE
Eject sequence initiated.

ARM GUARDS GRAB ANIS’ FOREARMS AS EXPLOSIVE BOLTS FIRE ALL AROUND THE DRIVERS SEAT…

ANIS GRABS THE WHEEL AS HIS SEAT MECHANICALLY SLIDES BACK. ANIS IS TURNED OVER SO HE IS LYING ON HIS FRONT. HIS GRIP IS FIRM ON THE WHEEL, THE GUARDS ON HIS ARMS KEEPING HIM IN PLACE.

CAR’S VOICE
Goodbye.

CUT TO:

EXT. BRIGHTON DOCK AREA

THE CROWD JUMPS. PANELS OF THE FRONT OF THE CAR BLOW OUT.

THE CROWD STARES, OPEN MOUTHED, AS ANIS EMERGES HOISTED UP AND OUT OF THE DROWNING CAR BY THE FRONT POD, LEVERING OVER THE FRONT WHEEL. THE POD PUSHES THE OTHER WHEEL IN FRONT TO FORM A TYPE OF SUBMERSIBLE. THE TYRES BLOW OUT REVEALING PROPELLERS UNDERNEATH.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNDERWATER

THE SUBMERSIBLE SHOOTS FORWARD, BURSTING FREE AS THE MERCEDES DETONATES, DYING IN A MASSIVE UNDERWATER FIREBALL. ANIS’ CAPE SUCKS TOGETHER, FORMING A TIGHT PACK ON HIS SHOULDERS, CLEAR OF THE CHURNING REAR PROPELLOR OF THE SUBMERSIBLE. OH WAIT, HE DOESN’T WEAR A CAPE. IGNORE THAT LAST BIT.

CUT TO:

EXT. BRIGHTON DOCK AREA

ISIS WATCHES THE SMOKY WRECK BUBBLING OUT OF THE WATER AND GETS BACK INTO HER CAR SATISFIED. SHE SPEEDS OFF AWAY.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNDERWATER

THE SUBMERSIBLE STREAKS THROUGH BRIGHTON’S SUBTERRANEAN MURKY CHASMS. A WRAITH…

THE HOLOGRAPHIC HEADS UP DISPLAY (HUD) ON THE SUBMERSIBLE’S FRONT WINDOW GIVES THE GPS POSITION OF ISIS’ CAR. IT IS RAPIDLY GETTING AWAY.

A SCUBA DIVER USING A METAL DETECTOR SUDDENLY STOPS AS HE NOTICES THE BEEPING IS GETTING VERY FRANTIC. HE LOOKS UP SHARPLY AND STARES THROUGH HIS GOGGLES TRANSFIXED AS THE SUBMERSIBLE TEARS PAST. A FOUNTAIN OF BUBBLES SIGNIFY HIS YELP AS THE SUBMERSIBLE SMASHES THROUGH HIS METAL DETECTOR.

ANIS ACCELERATES, OBLIVIOUS TO THE STACCATO OF CORAL AS THE SUBMERSIBLE RAZORS THROUGH ROCKS AND RUSTY TROLLEYS.

THE HUD SHOWS THAT HE IS ABOUT TO LOSE TRACK OF ISIS’ SIGNAL.

ANIS SQUEEZES HIS TRIGGERS, BLASTING AT THE ROCKS BLOWING THEM OUT OF THE WAY, LITERALLY CANNONING A PATH FOR THE SUBMERSIBLE.

THEN, RELIEF AS HE REALISES HE IS GETTING CLOSER.

SLIGHT PANIC AS ANIS REALISES HE ISN’T GETTING CLOSER TO HER, SHE IS GETTING CLOSER TO HIM. HE SEES HER SIGNAL CLOSING.

HE IS ALARMED TO LEARN THAT SHE IS POSITIONED IN HIS EXACT SPOT. HE LOOKS UP AND JUST ABOUT SEES THE CLEAR SKY THROUGH THE DEEP WATER.

HE WATCHES CONFUSED AS IT TRANSPIRES THAT ISIS IS MOVING FURTHER OUT TO SEA. HE TILTS THE SUBMERSIBLE DOWNWARDS SO HE CAN SEE WHAT LIES ON THE OCEAN FLOOR.

TO HIS SURPRISE HE SEES A TUNNEL LEADING TO A VAST BLACK REFLECTIVE BLOB ON THE OCEAN FLOOR. FOLLOWING ISIS’ SIGNAL, HE PROPELLS PAST THE TUNNEL A HALF MILE.

HE REACHES THE GIANT BLACK BLOB. IT IS A MASSIVE UNDERWATER EVIL LAIR. HE GUNS AROUND THE PERIMETER, LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GET IN.

HE SPIES A LIGHT DOWN BELOW. HE MANOEUVRES AROUND SO HE CAN GET A BETTER LOOK. IT’S AN OPEN TUNNEL, GIVING UNDERWATER ENTRANCE TO THE LAIR.

ANIS RACES UP A RAMP INTO A BLINDING LIGHT.

SMASH TO BLACK.

SCENE THIRTEEN:

INT. GA943 – NIGHT

HAMZA HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF GA943. HE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A BLANK SCREEN. THE SIX REMAINING AGENTS, MARIA, EMMA, LAURA, DOREEN, ANNIKA AND SAIFUR

HAMZA
Alright, guys, we lost Anis, but he’s not important. The lunatic who demolished Sussex with a missile launcher is. She tried to kill Anis and Matt, and clearly something fishy is going on. We know her identity, though.

HE CLICKS A BUTTON ON THE POWER POINT PROJECTOR. ISIS COMES ONTO THE SCREEN.

HAMZA
Isis Connollyngus. 26 years old, 5’10’’, and like Margot Kidder in the mid 90s, she’s an unstoppable killing machine. She must be stopped.

AGENT ANNIKA INTERRUPTS.

ANNIKA
But you just said she’s unstoppable.

HAMZA
Well, not literally, come on, have a brain. She attacks with extremely high strength and constitution. She is part of a gang of mercenaries called the Murdering Mistresses.

DOREEN
That’s a really rubbish name.

HAMZA
Enh, it gets the point across, and there’s alliteration, so it sticks in your mind. You do have a point, though.

DOREEN SMILES.

HAMZA
The other members include known assassin Atia Shahft,

HE CLICKS A SLIDE AND ATIA HITS THE SCREEN.

HAMZA (CONT’D)
…6 foot muscle bound ex-heavyweight champion and also a finalist at the 2004 Miss Wimbledon swimsuit competition.

HE CLICKS A SLIDE OVER TO REVEAL A QUESTION MARK.

HAMZA
There is a third member who is skilled at infiltration, and we do not know her identity yet, all we know is that the three of them have matching tattoos. On Monday, a woman, most certainly Connollyngus took down a police helicopter and several squad cars with an insane bazooka then crashed her car into the IMAX cinema.

HAMZA CLICKS AND A NEW SLIDE COMES ON TO THE SCREEN SHOWING THE CAR WRECK ON TOP OF THE CRUSHED AUDIENCE MEMBERS. (RIP GARY AND SUMAYYA)

HAMZA
While there was no sign of her, the police found documents on the stolen Shibboleth device in the glove compartment. The paper had a header indicating that it was printed for a company called Synop$ense.

HAMZA CLICKS AND ‘SYNOP$ENSE’ HITS THE SCREEN.

HAMZA
Yesterday, when I found Anis, he was adamantly refuting any claim into inciting the barbecue massacre, maintaining that David Thornevil was behind it all. The public billionaire hasn’t been able to comment so far, he is currently unreachable. So if we entertain Anis’ theory for the moment, we have a billionaire near destroying a government agency pinning it on an agent. The agent pulls out the name of a company called Synop$ense. A devastating device goes missing, and twice in two days a blonde girl, connected to Synop$ense fires a rocket at Anis.

LAURA
If they are so set on killing Anis, why did they ‘frame’ him for the barbecue killings?

HAMZA
I don’t know, the whole thing doesn’t make sense to be, but all I know is, this Isis is dangerous, and she’s connected to Synop$ense. Synop$ense’s address is a mystery, but we’ve had an anonymous tip off as to where it’s located. Initially I was sceptical, but sat confirmed it. We are going to pay Synop$ense a visit.

SCENE FOURTEEN:

INT. UNDERWATER LAIR

THE SUBMERSIBLE SLOWLY EDGES UP THE RAMP OUT OF THE WATER. ANIS DEPRESSURISES THE CABIN, AND OPENS UP THE HATCH TO EXIT. HE DISMOUNTS FROM THE VEHICLE AND STEPS OUT ON TO DRY GROUND. HE LOOKS AROUND THIS ENVIRONMENT. THERE ARE VAST GLASS WINDOWS LOOKING OUT INTO THE DARK MURKY SEA. THERE IS AN ENTRANCE TO THE MAIN BUILDING. ANIS PULLS OUT HIS GUN, AND ATTACHES A SILENCER TO IT.

ANIS SLIDES IN THROUGH THE DOOR AND SILENTLY SWEEPS THROUGH THE CORRIDORS.

HE NAVIGATES THROUGH SEVERAL ROOMS. HE SLIDES INTO A SERVICE ELEVATOR. THERE ARE LEVELS. HE PUSHES THE BUTTON THAT TAKES HIM TO THE TOP FLOOR. HE GOES UP TWO FLOORS AND SUDDENLY THE LIFT STOPS. IT MAKES A ‘DING’ SIGNALLING SOMEONE IS ABOUT TO ENTER.

ANIS PUTS HIS BACK AGAINST THE WALL AND AIMS STRAIGHT AT THE DOORS.

HE UNCLICKS THE GUN’S SAFETY CATCH.

THE DOORS OPEN.

LAUREN REACTS TO ANIS SHOCKED, BUT IMMEDIATELY PUTS A FINGER TO HER LIPS.

ANIS LOOKS ANGRY.

LAUREN (SCARED)
What are you doing here?

ANIS
I’ve come to stop you.

LAUREN
I agree. This is not what I want.

ANIS
What do you mean? You’re switching sides again?

LAUREN
I want to do good! I am sick of living in fear like this.

ANIS LAUGHS DERISIVELY.

ANIS
Ha! That’s nothing compared to how scared you’ll be hiding from the other members of your gang.

LAUREN
I’m telling the truth.

ANIS
So what were all the other times?

LAUREN
I’m just in too deep, last night at Thornevillage, I had no choice, I did everything to protect you. I hesitated, remember? That night in Matt’s bed, that was real. You can trust me, now. I’m taking a stand.

ANIS
Why did you grab my satchel? That could have cleared my name.

LAUREN
Your name is going to get cleared, don’t worry. I have alerted GA943 to where we are, and they’ll be on their way to take down Khusty.

ANIS
Khusty?

LAUREN
He’s behind it all. Look, I’m telling the truth.

ANIS
That name sounds so familiar.

LAUREN
He’s deranged, look how can I get you to believe me? I’m going to pull out my gun and give it to you.

ANIS KEEPS HIS AIM ON HER AS SHE CAREFULLY PULLS OUT HER GUN.

BEHIND LAUREN, ISIS COMES THROUGH A DOOR. ISIS IS COVERED IN SCRATCHES AND STILL HAS A SPIKE STICKING OUT OF HER HEAD. HER CLOTHES ARE RIPPED. SHE STOPS IN HER STRIDE AND REACTS TO LAUREN AND ANIS IN SILENT SHOCK.

QUICK AS A FLASH LAUREN WHIPS ROUND AND SHOOTS ISIS IN THE NOSE BEFORE ANIS HAS TIME TO AIM. ISIS’ HEAD SPLATS AGAINST THE GLASS AND THE SOUND OF LAUREN’S GUN ECHOES AROUND OMINOUSLY.

ISIS DROPS TO HER KNEES, HEADLESS. HER ARMS GROPE BLINDLY FOR A GUN, DESPITE HOW HER HEAD HAS BEEN COMPLETELY ERASED.

THEN SHE FLOPS DOWN, SIGNIFICANTLY AND FINALLY DEAD.

ANIS
What the fuck’s in that gun?

LAUREN
Exploding bullets.

PAUSE TO TAKE THAT IN.

LAUREN
Look we don’t have much time, where are you going.

ANIS
I was going to go to the top and work my way down.

LAUREN
Good, go to the top floor, you’ll find yourself on a gangway overlooking Khusty and his two henchmen.

LAUREN GETS IN THE LIFT WITH HIM. ANIS KEEPS HIS AIM ON HER.

LAUREN LOOKS AT THE GUN STILL BEING TRAINED ON HER.

LAUREN
Stop being a loser, I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you.

ANIS TRIES TO KEEP HIS AIM ON HER, BUT HIS HANDS SHAKE A LITTLE. HE COMPROMISES AND PUTS THE SAFETY BACK ON.

ANIS
How are you gonna explain the gunshot?

LAUREN
Don’t worry about it.

THEY GO UP TO THE SIXTH FLOOR. ANIS GETS OUT OF THE LIFT. LAUREN REMAINS.

ANIS
You aren’t coming?

LAUREN
I’m going down a floor to meet Khusty. It ends tonight.

AND WITH THAT, SHE LEAVES. ANIS CREEPS OVER AND WATCHES THE PEOPLE ON THE FLOOR BELOW.

SCENE FIFTEEN:

INT. UNDERWATER LAIR, KHUSTY’S OFFICE.

IN THIS ROOM, BEHIND A DESK, IS A WHITE FACED GHOUL, KHUSTY THE KLOWN. BESIDE HIM ARE HENCHMAN AND WASTEMAN. LAUREN ENTERS THE ROOM.

KHUSTY
Aha, Murdering Mistress Number 3, with the reverse vitiligo follicles, please explain that gun shot.

LAUREN
I had to shoot Isis. She…

KHUSTY
Fascinating, can I interrupt?

LAUREN
Um…

KHUSTY
Just pop your clothes off.

LAUREN
Excuse me?

KHUSTY
Person-about-to-get-killed-says-what?

LAUREN
Oh please, I’m a grown woman, I’m not going to fall for that, I’ve heard that like a million times, I’m not an idio…wait, what?

KHUSTY PULLS OUT A KNIFE AND MIMES SLASHING AT HER. HE LEAPS OVER THE DESK TO CUT HER. LAUREN SCREAMS AND JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY. THE KNIFE NARROWLY MISSES.

LAUREN
What the hell? Why do you want to kill me??

KHUSTY
Kill you? HEHEHEHEHEHE! Why would I wanna kill you? I’ll tell ya why, you see, you and David, you’re scheeeeemers. Me, I’m an agent of chaos, like the leper, dropped at the first chips, and they’ll eat each other. There’s a lot of potential for expansive aggressions, like gunpowder and gasoline, you see I’m not a monster, I’m like a virgin chasing cars, I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I caught one. You’ve changed things, forever. There’s no going back. See, it’s not about the money…it’s about the message. Have a new sex…on Cicero.

LAUREN
You can’t kill me, it’s against the rules!

KHUSTY
Welcome to a world without rules.

LAUREN
You’re crazy!

KHUSTY LOOKS UP AND SCRATCHES HIS NECK.

KHUSTY
No…I’m…not. I’m…not. I just like to introduce a little anarchy, upset the established order, for example, ‘last words any’?

LAUREN SHUTS HER EYES.

LAUREN
I love you.

KHUSTY
Very poor choice of words!

ANIS, WATCHING FROM THE GANGWAY ABOVE, IS NOW CONVINCED. HE SHOOTS KHUSTY THEN WASTEMAN.

KHUSTY
Ha ha! You have nothing!

WASTEMAN (WHO WAS ONCE CALLED PARDEEP) DROPS DEAD. HENCHMAN STARTS GOING UP THE STAIRS TO THE SIXTH FLOOR TO GET ANIS.

ANIS JUMPS OVER THE GANGWAY TO THE FLOOR BELOW WITH A CRACK. HE ROLLS ON HIS BACK TO SHOOT KHUSTY.

KHUSTY IS PLEASED.

KHUSTY
Anis, so glad you could drop in.

ANIS LETS OUT A GIGGLE.

ANIS
You know, that actually wasn’t a bad joke.

KHUSTY
What joke?

ANIS
Ah forget it. So you’re the one behind this. Where’s David?

KHUSTY
He’s sleeping with the fishes.

ANIS
You killed ’im?

KHUSTY
Well he was headed for a dead end.

ANIS
Wait, was that a pun? Or was he seriously heading for a…ah you know what it doesn’t matter.

ANIS SHOOTS KHUSTY FOUR TIMES IN THE CHEST, EMPTYING THE CLIP.

HENCHMAN COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

KHUSTY PATS HIS CHEST. WE HEAR A METALLIC CLUNK. HE’S PROTECTED.

HENCHMAN STARTS LAUGHING.

HENCHMAN
Hegh hegh hegh hegh heh. Yeghyeghyegh!

KHUSTY
All the old familiar places. You have nothing. Nothing to threaten me with. Nothing to do with all your strength…killing is making a choice.

ANIS IS PERTURBED BY THE USAGE OF THE WORD ‘FAMILIAR’.

ANIS
We’ve met before?

KHUSTY
Sorry, in a minute, but I’m curious about this girl here, why the sudden change of allegiance, what happened, your balls drop off?

LAUREN
I found myself in a pickle…

ANIS
Instead of it being the other way round.

KHUSTY
And I thought MY jokes were bad.

LAUREN
I was in love.

KHUSTY
Ugh, only a human could invent something as insipid as love.

KHUSTY GRABS LAUREN’S GUN.

KHUSTY
Explosive bullets, eh?

LAUREN
How did you…you were watching us? I saw the schematic, and it said there were no cameras!

KHUSTY
You can’t spell ‘surveillance’ without ‘lie’. Don’t think I didn’t see that little profession of romance in the lift. I knew you’d draw him out. And I also learned GA943 is on its way to get me…we can’t have that.

KHUSTY COCKS THE GUN AT ANIS

LAUREN
Please don’t shoot him!

KHUSTY
You don’t know me very well. You like Mozart. I kill with knives…or sometimes piranhas…and actually I did shoot all the other henchmen when I stole the Shibboleth thing, but usually I use knives. You know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You don’t get to savour all the little emotions. See, in their last moments, people show you who they really are…Say, you want to know how I got these scars?

LAUREN DOES NOT ANSWER, SHE IS DISGUSTED.

KHUSTY
Seabourne knows. It was his fault. Remember, Anis?

ANIS
I didn’t do this to you, I’ve never seen you bef…wait…Khus????

KHUSTY
You can call me Khusty now. Eight years. You haven’t changed a bit. Listen, Beautiful…

INDICATING LAUREN.

KHUSTY (CONT’D)
Let’s wind the clock back eight years, he and I were partners at GA943, and I wanted out, I was gonna go public with Synop$ense. I was doing his girlfriend at the time, beautiful, like you, behind his back and she also worked for the agency. She tells me I oughta smile more, leave the agency. She turned rogue first, and she, he, Matt and I had it all out at this chemical factory in Bratislava. The three of us were meant to blow it up, rendering the chemicals inert. We chose to go large that day, but like with every sexual encounter, things went horribly wrong. We thought we could rely on Anis to join us, but I guess that’s what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. She shot me with a blank so I could fake my death, but unbeknownst to my knowledge, this guy switched the time on the detonators from six minutes to three minutes and I had no time to escape. She, he, and Matt escaped, but I was blown up and fried with all this chemical waste. Now she can’t stand the sight of me. It was Khus who said ‘mother’ then, muffled under Chemex. It was Khus who closed his eyes. It was Khusty the Klown who opened them again. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world. Was Khusty. Khusty will suffice. Now I see the funny side. Now I’m always smiling. I am free. And if you’re free at something, never do it for good.

SATISFIED WITH HIS SPEECH, HE SHOOTS THE GLASS BEHIND ANIS. THE BULLET EXPLODES AND THE GLASS OF THE AQUARIUM SPIDERS.

LAUREN
That’s gonna cave in, and we’ll all be dead!

KHUSTY
It’s allll part of the plan.

LAUREN (INCREDULOUS)
Plan??

KHUSTY
Do I really look like a guy with a plan? I better go. Henchman!

HENCHMAN
Hegh hegh hegh hegh heh.

KHUSTY GRABS LAUREN.

KHUSTY
Oh yes, you’re coming with me.

LAUREN IS TERRIFIED AND POUTS PLEADINGLY.

KHUSTY
Hmmmm…Let’s put a smile on that FACE!

LAUREN
I have a naturally downward pointing mouth!!

ANIS
Wait, Khus, you said ‘she’ escaped in Bratislava, you don’t mean…

KHUSTY JUST LAUGHS AND LEAVES HIM.

KHUSTY AND HENCHMAN ESCAPE WITH LAUREN, DRAGGING HER TO THE LIFT. HE HURLS HER IN. ANIS GETS UP AND RUNS FULL PELT AFTER THEM AT THE END OF THE ROOM, BUT THERE ISN’T ENOUGH TIME. THE LIFT DOORS ARE CLOSING. ANIS INTUITIVELY PICKS HIS GOLD CARD OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SLIDES IT BACK. HE THROWS THE CARD AFTER THEM AS ONE WOULD A THROWING KNIFE.

WE FOLLOW THE CARD AS IT FLIES ACROSS THE ROOM, ROTATING. THE LIFT DOORS CLOSE JUST AS THE CARD IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE LIFT, CLOSING ON THE CARD.

INSIDE THE LIFT, LAUREN IS COWERING IN A CORNER, AND KHUSTY IS GRINNING FIENDISHLY…ALBEIT NORMALLY DUE TO THE SCARS.

OUTSIDE THE LIFT, ANIS CROUCHES DOWN AND HIDES BEHIND A DESK.

THE CREDIT CARD EXPLODES.

INSIDE THE LIFT, EVERYONE IS BLOWN TO THE FLOOR.

ANIS IS IMMEDIATELY ON HIS FEET. HE SPEEDS OVER TO THE LIFT, WAVING AWAY SMOKE AND SHEILDING HIS FACE FROM SPARKS.

THE LIFT IS STUCK HALFWAY BETWEEN THE FIFTH AND THE FOURTH FLOOR. INSIDE THE LIFT IS THE CHARRED SKELETAL REMAINS OF HENCHMAN (WHOSE NAME WAS LOIC, BTW), KHUSTY IS SEEMINGLY UNCONSIOUS OR DEAD, LYING ON THE GROUND, HIS FACE SCORCHED AND THE MAKE UP BURNT OFF. LAUREN IS STILL IN HER CORNER, HER BACK BADLY BURNT. ANIS JUMPS DOWN INTO THE LIFT.

ANIS
Lauren!

LAUREN
Anis!

ANIS
Are you ok?

LAUREN
I think so, the Henchman took most of the explosion.

ANIS EYES KHUSTY SUSPICIOUSLY AND DISARMS HIM. HE ALSO TAKES THE KNIFE. ANIS PRIES OPEN THE ELEVATOR DOORS ON THE FLOOR BELOW.

ANIS
Can you stand?

LAUREN
I think so.

LAUREN ATTEMPTS TO. THERE IS A LOUD CRACK AND SIZZLE.

LAUREN
Ah! My back!

ANIS
Don’t exert yourself, just get through here.

HE GUIDES HER THROUGH THE LIFT DOORS. SHE FALLS DOWN ONTO THE FOURTH FLOOR. ANIS GOES AFTER HER. MATT IS ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.

ANIS
Dude!

MATT
Dude! What happened, are you ok?

ANIS
I’m fine, how come you’re here?

MATT
I worked out a double zero code was for offshore subterranean buildings.

ANIS
Nice work. Hey remember Khus?

MATT
That psycho? Yeah.

ANIS
He orchestrated everything.

MATT
Is that what he said, that ‘he’ orchestrated everything?

KHUSTY SITS UP AND SHOUTS FROM THE LIFT. EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM. HIS HEAD RESEMBLES A LUMP OF COAL.

KHUSTY
You have defeated me, but the person behind all of this, was right under your nose! Hahahaa!

ANIS DRAWS CONFUSION ON HIS FACE.

KHUSTY
You see, how well do you know your friends?

KHUSTY DIES.

ANIS FURROWS HIS CATERPILLAR EYEBROWS AT HIS FINAL WORDS.

FLASHBACK TO:

MATT
Umm, I’m an ex secret agent, who has been set for life because he killed President Taylor and saved the free world, and STILL I get this image of being a nerd. I think it’s the glasses.

MATT TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND PUTS THEM ON TOP OF THE TABLE. HE PLACES THEM ON TOP OF A MAGAZINE.

MATT
See how different and awesome I look now?

ANIS STARES AT THE MAGAZINE COVER.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS DRAWS COMPREHENSION ON HIS FACE. HIS VOICE FALTERS.

ANIS
Oh my god…

FLASHBACK TO:

MATT’S GLASSES ON THE MAGAZINE COVER. ON THE COVER IS DAVID THORNEVIL.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS LOOKS VERY WORRIED.

ANIS
…the glasses…

FLASHBACK TO:

MATT’S GLASSES ON THE MAGAZINE COVER. ON THE COVER IS DAVID THORNEVIL…CLEAR AS DAY.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS
…that Sonofabitch!

ANIS SPINS AROUND TO SHOOT MATT. HE HITS HIM IN THE NECK. MATT FIRES ON ANIS, SHOOTING HIM IN THE CHEST. ANIS FALTERS, THEN FALLS TO THE GROUND WITH A SHOUT.

ANIS
AH!

MATT CLUTCHES HIS NECK.

MATT
How did you know?

ANIS
Ah…ah! I knew it! You’re an imposter!

MATT
How did you know?

ANIS
The real Matt wore glasses…ah!

MATT
I’m wearing glasses.

ANIS
When you took your glasses off, at the barbecue, you put them on the magazine cover.

MATT
I did.

ANIS
Real glasses would have refracted the image of Thornevil on the cover, but I saw the image clearly…meaning the glasses’ lenses were neither concave nor convex…there was just plain glass!

MATT
Dammit!

ANIS
What happened to the real Matt McLeron?

MATT
I killed him.

ANIS DOES NOT GIVE A REACTION. HE IS IN TOO MUCH PAIN.

ANIS
How long have you been pretending to be him?

MATT
Since the barbecue. I had killed him nine days before.

ANIS
How is it that you look like him?

FLASHBACK TO:

MATT
I know a good plastic surgeon, dude…sort your face out, man. You used to be well fit.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS
Oh…of course…

MATT
The penny’s dropped, has it?

ANIS
So who are you really?

MATT
Someone you know…but haven’t seen in years.

ANIS
We know each other?

MATT
Well I fooled you in the guise of Matt McLeron for so long, that must have involved quite a lot of personal research on him, and you two are a package deal. Of course we know each other.

ANIS
You…

MATT
Husband.

ANIS
…Cakes?

MATT
You can call me Shafa.

WE PRESS IN ON MATT’S FACE AND HE CASUALLY BRUSHES OF HIS GLASSES.

MATT
I can’t say the past few days haven’t been fun, guiding you through all these hoops.

ANIS
That makes no sense, we all thought you were dead, where’s Matt?

MATT
I told you, I killed him two weeks ago.

ANIS
He can’t be dead…you had so many chances to kill me, why have you been…

ANIS HAS TO COUGH UP SOME BLOOD.

ANIS (CONT’D)
…playing me like this, why didn’t you kill me?

MATT
I couldn’t kill you because it was too much fun. We’re going to do this forever.

ANIS
You’ll be in a padded cell, forever!

MATT
Maybe we could share one, after all madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.

ANIS FEELS KHUSTY’S KNIFE IN HIS POCKET.

SUDDENLY ATIA ENTERS.

ATIA
What – the – fuck. You?

MATT
Yes, me. Him, her, and you…

HE SHOOTS HER. SHE DIES.

MATT (CONT’D)
And me too…

MATT WALKS OVER TO ANIS AND AIMS AT HIS HEAD.

ANIS CLOSES HIS EYES, SEEMINGLY ACCEPTING DEATH.

MATT
A Bengali man will always die with a Bengali woman.

ANIS STABS MATT IN THE HEART.

MATT DIES.

ANIS LOOKS AT LAUREN.

ANIS
You were fucking useful, weren’t you?

LAUREN
Sorry, but you’re the one who set fire to my back!

ANIS
Ahh shaddap.

LAUREN
Ugh! You’re such a loser.

ANIS
We gotta get out of here before this place fills with water.

ANIS, CLUTCHING HIS PERFORATED CHEST HEROICALLY HELPS LAUREN TO HER FEET.

LAUREN
Ow-ow-ow-ow!

ANIS
It’s ok, you’ll be fine.

ANIS SIGHS.

ANIS (ADLIBBING)
I need a vacation.

THE LAST FEW MEMBERS OF GA943 SUDDENLY BURST IN UNEXPECTEDLY.

HAMZA
Are we too late?

ANIS
Just about.

HAMZA
What happened here?

ANIS
Matt was behind it all…it actually wasn’t Matt, though, it was an imposter, an ex-agent ex-girlfriend turned rogue who faked her death called Shafa Cakes. She was conspiring with another deranged presumed dead agent turned rogue Khus to destroy everything. Oh and by the way, that Shibboleth macguffin that practically everyone’s forgotten about, she’ll know where it is.

HE POINTS AT LAUREN.

LAUREN
Oh, that’s at Thornevillage still.

HAMZA
Oh, aye? Cheers. Wow, hey look, Anis, Division decided to promote me to Chief of Staff and give me a Purple Heart because of, well, you know.

HAMZA POINTS TO HIS SCARRED FACE.

ANIS
Oh, uhh…

HAMZA
I told them to shove it up their ass. They can blow me. We all know there’s someone far better qualified than me to take the reins.

ANIS
Me?

HAMZA
Yeah, boy! This is your promotion, and I expect it will begin with a nice long break. I’m still keeping that Purple Heart though, look at my face, motherfucker.

ANIS
Heh, Hamza Half-Face.

EVERYONE LAUGHS REMINISCENT OF CHEESY SEVENTIES TV SHOWS WHERE ALL THE MAIN CAST GATHER ROUND FOR A FINAL JOKE TO END ON, ‘AND THAT’S THE TOOTH’ FOR EXAMPLE.

ANIS
Hamza Hand-Face!

HAMZA (SERIOUS)
Alright, mate, let’s not forget who scarred me for life.

LAUREN
So it’s all over?

ANIS
Yes, it’s over.

LAUREN
Even though it’s been just three days, it feels like it took five months for everything to happen

ANIS
I share the same feeling.

LAUREN
I’m so glad it’s over.

ANIS
We can finally relax.

LAUREN
You wanna go somewhere to eat?

ANIS
Sure…hey, you know something?

LAUREN
Go on.

ANIS
It’s been a trying few days…

LAUREN
Agreed.

ANIS
I think I only got through it because I had you.

LAUREN
I feel the same.

ANIS
It’s a funny thing, this life…

UPBEAT MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY FROM NOWHERE.

ANIS (BREAKING INTO SONG)
It’s a funny thing, this life,
To live for so long and end by a knife.
Since I’ve met you, my world’s been shattered,
But none of that mattered,
Because I had you.

LAUREN (ALSO SINGING)
It’s a funny thing, this life,
To love so many, and not yet be a wife.
Since I’ve met you, I’ve double-crossed,
But at no cost,
Because I had you.

ANIS AND LAUREN DANCE TOGETHER WITH THE VIGOUR AND ENERGY THAT WOULD BE UNNATURAL IN OTHER PEOPLE AS INJURED AS THEY ARE.

THE MUSIC PLAYS.

THEY STOP DANCING TO SING SOME MORE.

ANIS (SINGING)
I respect that your life is tough,
So I confess that I’ve had enough.
I want to take it easy for a while,
And remember how to smile,
Because recently I’ve been gruff.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Tell me about it, Stud,
Like when you found my ID was a dud,
I thought I’d end up in a mortuary,
Purely because of the forgery

ANIS (SINGING)
There were reasonable concerns with trust,
But in all honesty I weren’t that fussed,
I thought I had you all sussed,
And now I’ve given into my lust.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Yes, surrender!!!!
I’ll tease and tantalise,
But in reality,
I want you between my thighs.

ANIS (SINGING)
I can no longer disguise,
My love in your eyes,
I love how they’re astigmatised,
And how your cheeks are of such wealthy size.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Why does everyone bring up my cheeks?
It’s just something in my family’s nature.
If you mention it more than once,
It will make me hate ya.

ANIS (SINGING)
It’s a funny thing, this world,
To walk for so long and now meet my girl.
Since I’ve met you, my body’s been battered,
But none of that mattered,
Because I had you.

LAUREN (SINGING)
It’s a funny thing, this world,
To express love in a song would usually make me hurl.
Since I’ve met you, there’ve been lives lost
But at no cost,
Because I had you.

THEY DANCE, BUT NOT TOGETHER. INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS FOR A WHILE.

THEY STOP DANCING TO SING.

ANIS (SINGING)
I don’t want you to hate me,
I want you to actually date me.
Our arguments won’t irritate me,
As long as you eventually fellate me.

LAUREN (SINGING)
I’m beginning to think I made the wrong choice,
Now that I’ve actually listened to your voice.
At first it was charming,
But now it’s alarming!

ANIS (SINGING)
Now, remove all that doubt,
You made a good shout.
Cheers for not killing me when I was a hostage,
So how about now we watch a bit of Lost-age?

LAUREN (SINGING)
Seeing as you put it so well,
I think you can go to hell.
I thought you were my one and only,
But actually I’d rather be lonely.

ANIS (SINGING)
Whoa there, hold yer horses!
Let’s not start getting divorces,
Before we’ve even been married away.
I think we’re both getting carried away

LAUREN (SINGING)
You’re right, we should slow down,
At least stop and look around.
Our relationship is bound to get caustic,
If it feels like one of us has forced it.

ANIS (SINGING)
So how about we go for some lunch?
We’ll shop at Lidl to avoid credit crunch.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Oh my god, I was having the same idea!
Could our relationship last on an alliance so mere?

ANIS (SINGING)
Damn straight, it’s a date!

LAUREN (SINGING)
That’s great! I’ll ovulate!

ANIS (SINGING)
But then if we mate…

LAUREN (SINGING)
In two weeks I’ll be late!

ANIS AND LAUREN (SINGING)
Because I had you!
Because I had you!
Although pregnant,
I won’t bid adieu!

ANIS (SINGING)
I have to infer,
That that won’t occur.
If you had spoken to Karen,
You’da learned that I’m barren.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Are you telling me you have tantamount,
To basically zero sperm count?

MATT’S CORPSE (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
How can I put it more plainly?
Rolling with Anis won’t give you a baby.

KHUSTY’S CORPSE (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
It’s true, no matter how much you beg,
None of the few swimmers will locate your egg.

HAMZA BREAKS INTO SONG.
HAMZA (SINGING)
It may seem unbelievable,
But his kid is inconceivable.

DAVID’S SKELETON (APPEARING FROM NOWHERE AND SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
While a good idea would be marriage,
You should expect to have a miscarriage.

OSCAR’S CORPSE (APPEARING FROM NOWHERE AND SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
It might be due to excessive usage of his laptop,
That you ain’t ever gonna get knocked up…

ATIA’S CORPSE (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
Or to those trouser pocketed mobile phones,
That he has no reproductive hormones.

ISIS’ MOUTH (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER, DESPITE BEING SEVERAL YARDS AWAY FROM HER HEAD)
Men! The minute you think you know them,
You find out they’re useless to your ovum.

WASTEMAN’S AND HENCHMAN’S CORPSES (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
We could double team ya,
Cos he might have hyperprolactinaemia.

DOREEN, LAURA, SAIFUR AND RAMSEY (WHO HAS APPEARED FROM NOWHERE) SING LIKE A BARBERSHOP QUARTET

ALL FOUR
Forget about having a child,
Because that dude’s infertile.
To have a man like him would be tempting,
But is it worth it knowing his balls are empty?
You’re better off squatting over a bulldozer,
Than on that guy with his lax spermatozoa!

DOREEN (ACAPELLO)
His lax sperma… (HOLDS NOTE)

LAURA (SEMITONE HIGHER)
His lax sperma… (HOLDS NOTE)

SAIFUR (VERY DEEP)
His lax sperma… (HOLDS NOTE)

RAMSEY (FALSETTO)
His lax sperma… (HOLDS NOTE)

ALL FOUR
His lax spermatozoa!!!
Oh no, sir!
You can put it in any lady,
Without fear of making a baby!

RAMSEY AND SAIFUR
We wish to be like you, oh so wanton,

ALL FOUR
Cos sex is way better when you don’t have a condom!
Society’s played you a terrible trick,
And anatomically your dick is sick!

ANIS
My dick is sick?

ALL FOUR
It is sick, it is sick, it is sick sick sick,
AAAAAnatomically your dick is sick

EVERYBODY BAR ANIS (SINGING)
Tell me more, tell me more!

ANIS (SINGING)
Stop discussing my bag!

EVERYBODY BAR ANIS (SINGING)
Tell me more, tell me more!

LAUREN (SINGING)
Cos it sounds like a drag!

MUSIC COMES TO A HEAD AND STOPS FOR A HALF BEAT, THEN COMES BACK LOUDER THAN EVER. EVERYBODY REPEATEDLY CLICKS THEIR FINGERS AND SHUFFLES SIDEWAYS IN RHYTHM.

EVERYBODY (SINGING)
Oh, shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop.
Shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop,
Yeah!!

EVERYBODY CONTINUES SHOOPING AND DANCING AND CLICKING IN THE SAME FASHION, BAR LAUREN AND ANIS WHO TAKE CENTRE STAGE.

LAUREN (SINGING)
I’m really debating whether to date this guy!

ANIS (SINGING)
Dammit she should, there’s a hundred reasons why!

LAUREN (SINGING)
Is it possible to love someone who’s infertile?

ANIS (SINGING)
I just want to invade her vertical smile!

MUSIC BREAKS DOWN AS BLAKE RETURNS FROM DEATH TO BUST A RAP.

BLAKE (FREESTYLING)
They should stop debatin’
Whether they should be datin’
Just because there’ll be no fertilisin’
Don’t mean they shouldn’t be copulisin’
So here’s a line that I wrote
Just so it could rhyme with zygote
You and him are goin’ on major league
I don’t wanna say he made ya leave
Because that would suck majorly
Just because he has a duff phallus, he
Ain’t worth dumping over this fallacy
So please take heed
Fuckin’ this man will make you bleed!
Have you seen the size of his girth, bitch?
Any ho’d agree he’s worth it
So don’t be playin’ a brother
Just cause he can’t make you a mother
There’s plenty of other options
Like motherfuckin’ adoption
If you can deal with the socials watchin’
I wouldn't hold your breath with IVF
You more likely getting it from a penis
Than having an injection intravenous
Wait the IV stands for ‘In Vitro’ innit?
Sorry, I got confused there for a minute
Small complaint, cos it be m’wish
That there ain’t no Petri dish
Well none of that really matters
If you want those tiny feet pitter patters
Here’s an idea to save ya nation
Fuckin’ third party insemination!
Yeah, I’ll fuck ya bitch
I’ll fuck ya bitch
I got plenty o’ kids
I fucked around all over the place
So I won’t give a shit if it’s mixed race
Dwellin’ in melanin
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My libido
Let’s get stupid and contagious
Then plant it in your anus
With the lights out, it’s less dangerous
Hello, hello, hello, hello
Yeah I’ll fuck ‘er, motherfucker
I can be her hero
Cos I can make an embryo
I’ll bring my best lube, baby
No need for a test tube baby
I will happily do this service
So something lives inside ya cervix
Long’s I don’t get smacked by paternity fees
I can fulfil your maternity needs
So you oughta not falter
Cos I can give you a daughter
And break your water
And he can be there front and centre
The day you expel that placenta
And that li’l mixed race runt
Comes firing out of your c-

ANIS INTERRUPTS THIS AWFULLY RUDE FREESTYLE TO ENSURE THE CENSORSHIP OF THE C WORD

ANIS (SINGING)
On to a different subject:
I am loathe to detect,
That cos Isis did kill ya,
That’d be necrophilia.

BLAKE (SINGING)
Ah shit, I was so ready!
But damned if I’m dead already.

MUSIC COMES BACK. DANCING RESUMES.

ANIS (SINGING)
Hear me folks, I’m shook with disgust,
To have to hear my men discussed.
I’m not baby crazy at this point,
On that subject Loz and I are joint.
It’s not a worry for today,
It’s a concern for the future,
So shut up or I’ll shoot ya,
AGAIN, by the way.

LAUREN (SINGING)
I suppose Anis is right,
No need to confer tonight.
I can meet him in the middle,
And we’ll now have that lunch at Lidl.
You people aren’t even alive!
What do you know,
I’ll end up like Juno,
And the kid won’t survive.

EVERYBODY BAR ANIS AND LAUREN (SINGING)
Sorry, we get very antsy,
On the subject of pregnancy.
We couldn’t even escape death,
And got written out of Shibboleth.
Most of us are bad guys!
We aren’t reliable sources,
So ignore our voices,
And forget our advice.

ANIS (SINGING)
We’ve fought so many bad things coming before,
And there can only be more.
I know I’ll be fine when they do,
Because I’ll have you.

LAUREN (SINGING)
I know there’ll be problems in our relationship,
But I’ll have no problem facing it.
I know I’ll be fine when they do,
Because I’ll have you.

MUSIC BREAKS DOWN.

ANIS (SINGING)
Because I had you then…

LAUREN (SINGING)
Because I have you now…

ANIS (SINGING)
Because I’ll have you then…

LAUREN (SINGING)
I’ll stay with you now…

ANIS (SINGING)
I’m warm for your form…

LAUREN (SINGING)
I’m enticed by your eyes…

ANIS (SINGING)
We’ll go down a storm…

LAUREN (SINGING)
There’ll be no more lies…

ANIS (SINGING)
The future may be foreign…

LAUREN (SINGING)
I could end up deceased…

ANIS AND LAUREN (SINGING)
But I’m happy because,
I have my Lauren/Anis (EACH SAYS THE OTHER’S NAME)

MUSIC BUILDS UP IN A TRIUMPHANT CLIMAX IN WHICH EVERYONE DANCES AND WAVES SPARKLERS AS FIREWORKS GO OFF AND CONFETTI RAINS DOWN FROM THE CEILING.

ANIS
Jai ho!

THE END.

Shibboleth starred:

Special thanks to Matt Hayoukane, Lauren Austin Harvey, Anis Alamgir, Clemmie Taylor and Daniel Bill.

Shibboleth: Act Two

2008-12-05T12:12:00.001Z

SHIBBOLETH: ACT TWO

SCENE ONE:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

DIRECTLY AFTER LAUREN TELLS ANIS HER NAME.

ANIS
Do I know you?

LAUREN
We were at school together.

ANIS
Really? When?

LAUREN
You were in the year above me. Umm are you here with anyone? I’m just with a friend, she’s freshening up

MATT ENTERS BLEARY EYED.

MATT
Ah, you’re here, I thought you had gone and done something rash

INTRODUCTIONS ARE NECESSARY:

ANIS
Matt, Lauren.

MATT
Lauren.

LAUREN
Matt.

LAUREN’S FRIEND ENTERS FROM THE TOILET.

LAUREN (MOTIONS TOWARDS FRIEND)
Anis, Atia.

ANIS
Atia.

ATIA
Anis.

ANIS
Matt, Atia.

MATT
Atia.

ATIA
Matt.

PAUSE. IT’S CLEAR FROM HIS LOOK THAT ANIS WANTS MATT TO GO AND TALK TO ATIA, SO HE CAN TALK TO LAUREN

ANIS
Matt?

MATT
Anis…(UNDERSTANDING)…(AS IF TO SAY GOODBYE)Lauren…(AS IF TO SAY HELLO)Atia!

MATT SITS WITH ATIA, LEAVING ANIS WITH LAUREN.

LAUREN
So…do you like olives?

ANIS
In my drink?

LAUREN
Yeah.

ANIS
Not particularly, why?

LAUREN
I knew a guy in the agency who loved olives. How about a dry martini with an olive?

ANIS
You knew a guy in an agency?

LAUREN
Yes, he was obsessed with olives, he taught me this drink, you’ll like it.

ANIS
Go ahead then.

LAUREN ORDERS.

ANIS
So you know people in the agency?

LAUREN
I know people in the agency, yes.

ANIS
An agency, eh?

LAUREN
Mm-hm.

PAUSE.

ANIS
What agency?

LAUREN
Oh! Right, I don’t know he was very secretive, I think he was a spy.

ANIS
It just so happens I work for an agency.

LAUREN (LAUGHS)
Are you seriously using that to pick me up?

ANIS’ WARM FACE WASHES AWAY AND NOW SUDDENLY HE IS STANDOFFISH, COLD AND CLINICAL.

ANIS
Are you seriously trying to pick me up with that ‘I know you from school’ bullshit?

LAUREN IS SILENT.

ANIS
Who are you?

LAUREN
I’m Lauren.

ANIS
Shit me not with that shit.

THE DRINKS COME.

LAUREN
Try it.

ANIS
You try it.

LAUREN
See this mint, here?

FISHES OUT MINT FROM DRINK.

LAUREN
You need to press down on it with your thumb on the palm of your hand. That’s how the taste comes out.

LAUREN TAKES A POLITE SIP.

LAUREN
Now you try it.

ANIS DOESN’T TAKE HIS EYES OFF HER AS HE SWALLOWS SOME OF THE DRINK.

ANIS
Pretty good.

LAUREN
I know.

ANIS
So what’s your story, where do you really know me from?

LAUREN
I can’t say.

ANIS
You can’t say?

LOOKS OVER AT MATT TALKING TO ATIA.

MATT
Do I need to put on a little weight?

ATIA
Weight? No…height!

MATT
Ok…

BACK TO ANIS.

ANIS
How do you know her?

LAUREN
She goes to my judo class.

ANIS
Really? What the hell for?

LAUREN
A half hour of knife and stick fighting...you never know, this is a dangerous world: a girl needs to protect herself.

ANIS
So you’re quite athletic?

JUMP CUT TO THEM SHAGGING IN MATT’S HIDEOUT.

LAUREN (REACHING PINNACLE OF SEXUAL CLIMAX)
Yes! Yes! YESSSSSSS!!!

JUMP CUT TO THEM RELAXING UNDER THE SHEETS. LAUREN IS SMOKING A CIGAR.

ANIS
So you are quite athletic? After I asked that we were just shagging, so I didn’t really get an answer to it

LAUREN
Yes, you did, I was screaming ‘yes’

ANIS
Right you were.

CUT TO MATT AND ATIA STANDING AT THE DOORWAY.

MATT
Dude, that’s my bed, I was gonna get with this!

POINTS TO ATIA.

ATIA
Ugh, no you were never.

SHE SLAPS HIM.

MATT
Why did you come up with me then?

ATIA
For her. Come ON, Lauren, we have to get going.

ANIS
This isn’t terribly polite, she and I are in fact in a state of post coitus!

ATIA
Yeah, the whole block heard her screaming yes, stop showing off.

LAUREN PROVOCATIVELY SUCKS ON HER CIGAR.

LAUREN
It’s ok, go on without me, I actually have work to do.

ANIS
What you on about?

LAUREN
Dude, chill!

ATIA
Alright, Lauren, I’ll see you later and Matt…next time I see you, I’ll kill you.

SHE LEAVES. NOW IT IS JUST MATT LOOKING AT A SWEATY SHAGGED OUT ANIS AND LAUREN ON HIS BED. THEY GIVE HIM A DIRTY LOOK SIGNALLING THAT HE SHOULD LEAVE.

MATT
Dude, my bed!

ANIS
Get outta here.

MATT
Sleaze.

MATT LEAVES.

ANIS
Did he ruin the moment?

LAUREN
If anything, he increased my sex drive, fancy a sixth shag?

ANIS
Is the Pope Catholic?

LAUREN
You’re a Muslim, what do you care?

ANIS
Sorry, did THAT ruin the moment?

LAUREN
Nah, sex drive still increasing.

ANIS
Alright, let’s bump uglies.

LAUREN
Yes, let’s.

THEY DO AND IT’S KINDA GROSS IF YOU KNOW BOTH OF THEM.

SCENE TWO:

INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY

ANIS WAKES UP IN MATT’S BED NEXT TO A SLUMBERING LAUREN. HE GETS UP AND STRETCHES, SHOWING HIS TIGHT BROWN BUTTOCKS TO THE CAMERA. HIS STAGGERINGLY VAST GIRTHY PENIS HAS TO BE DIGITALLY ERASED LIKE RALPH FIENNES’ IN RED DRAGON. ALSO NOW LAUREN’S HAIR IS BROWN. YOU MIGHT THINK THAT HER HAIR CHANGE IS IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT, BUT YOU’D BE AS WRONG AS ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE WATCHING ROSAMUND PIKE OVERLY CLOSELY IN DIE ANOTHER DAY. LAUREN’S BACK CATCHES HIS EYE. HE SPOTS A TATTOO AROUND HER KIDNEY. IT SAYS MM. ANIS MOUTHS ‘MATT McLERON’ AND SHAKES HIS HEAD TO REFRESH HIMSELF. HE NOW DOES NOT TRUST HER. THIS IS CONVEYED BY A SUDDEN LOW GUITAR PLUCK ON THE SOUNDTRACK. HE LOOKS IN HER BAG AND FINDS SOME ODDMENTS AND ENDBITS. THEN HE FINDS AN IDENTITY CARD WITH HER FACE ON. WE DO NOT SEE THE CARD.

JUMP CUT TO LAUREN’S BACK GETTING SLAMMED AGAINST THE WALL. THEY ARE BOTH STANDING UP; ANIS IS HOLDING HER BY THE NECK.

ANIS (RIDICULOUSLY GRUFF)
Who are you????

LAUREN (GASPING)
I told you!

ANIS HOLDS UP THE I.D. CARD TO HER FACE.

ANIS
Who are you working for??

LAUREN
Stop! Stop!

ANIS
Tell me the truth!

LAUREN
Alright, alright…I’m working for GA943.

ANIS
Why are you here?

LAUREN
Division Director Karen gave me orders to find you. I’m on transfer from Wandsworth.

ANIS
Do they know where I am?

LAUREN
No…not yet, I haven’t had a chance to warn them.

ANIS THROWS HER TO THE GROUND.

ANIS
Leave!

MATT ENTERS THE BEDROOM.

MATT
I’m not being funny, yeah, I ain’t trying to be rude, right, but do you mind, you’ve been shouting the odds all night, wait…what’s going on?

ANIS
She’s a spy.

MATT
That explains a lot…wow how convenient is it that she ended up meeting us?

ANIS
There was no convenience, and no happenstance either! She was sent by Division Director Karen.

MATT
That bitch!

LAUREN
Look, please, I’m on your side.

MATT
What? Why?

ANIS
Yeah, why should we believe you?

LAUREN
Anis, there is a reason I haven’t reported back to GA943.

ANIS
How do we know you haven’t already?

LAUREN
We haven’t spent a moment apart since we met! Not even when I went to the toilet!

ANIS
Duuuude, I told you to keep that hush! (CATCHES THE SHOCKED LOOK ON MATT’S FACE AND RENEWS HIS GRUFF VOICE) So why should we trust you?

LAUREN
Believe it or not, I’m on your side…I wouldn’t have sex eight times in one night with a man I met wearing slippers in a bar if I wasn’t on his side. I’m not that kind of woman. My mother told me, when I was a little girl, that I would one day meet a man who would disagree with everything my job stood for, but I’d just be hopelessly helpless to betray my job for him.

MATT
Eh?

LAUREN
And although she’s never had sex with a man, I believe in her words.

ANIS
Well, that’s refre-…what??

LAUREN
I’m not going to tell Karen that I found you; I’m going to join you.

MATT
Other than that stuff about her mum being a virgin, I think Lauren is talking sense…if she was on our side, she could work with us against GA943…at least until we can clear your name.

ANIS
I haven’t trusted her since I met her, don’t worry, Matt.

MATT
Well, dude, I’m sorry to cut this morning short, but you’ve got that meeting in an hour.

ANIS
Oh yeah…it’s rush hour, I’m going to have to be quick.

LAUREN
What’s the meeting about?

MATT
There’s a reason we are being guarded about it, we can’t trust you, we don’t know you.

LAUREN
Like, two seconds ago you were telling him to keep me around! You can trust me, I can help, just let me know what you’re doing.

MATT
Well, you can help, but we’re not prepared to fill you in completely.

ANIS
Matt, can you stay here with Lauren, and wait for me to call you up after meeting him?

MATT
Sure.

ANIS DRESSES TO LEAVE, THEN LEAVES.

SCENE THREE:

EXT. WESTMINSTER STATION - DAY

IT IS RAINING AND ANIS LOOKS SUITABLY GOTHIC GLARING OUT AT THE MURKY DRIZZLY STREETS UNDER HIS TINY UMBRELLA AND TRENCH COAT. HE IS MET BY T, A GANGLY BLACK MAN.

T
Mr Seabourne…always a pleasure.

ANIS (GLOOMILY)
T.

T
Let’s take this to a more hospitable setting.

T LEADS ANIS BACK INTO THE STATION AND AFTER ENSURING NO ONE IS LOOKING, OPENS A SECRET DOOR.

SCENE FOUR:

INT. MYSTERIOUS LOCATION ONLY ACCESSIBLE ONLY BY MYSTERIOUS DOOR IN STATION - DAY

T IS LEADING ANIS DOWN SOME OLD GLOOMY POORLY LIT STEPS DEEP UNDERGROUND.

ANIS
Where are we?

T
This is a place I’ve longed to show you.

ANIS
What is it?

T
A place agents don’t have to worry about.

THERE ARE NO MORE STEPS SO NOW THEY ARE WALKING IN SOME MASSIVE LOOKING WAREHOUSE.

T
This is storage, a junkyard.

ANIS (POINTING)
Hey, that looks familiar.

T
And so it should, it saved your life on the Indy mission before you destroyed it.

ANIS
I see, this is…

T
Where the gadgets go to die…and we won’t be disturbed.

ANIS
You are not looking to turn me in to Karen or Lawratu?

T
Please…of course you had no hand in the death of all those fine agents. I am here to help you with this pursuit of yours, to clear your name and find those responsible.

ANIS
I’m glad to have you on board.

T
Oh I won’t take a direct hand, I have to stay here and keep my job, but I will give you some items that may save your life.

ANIS NODS.

ANIS
I need a new suit.

T
Well three buttons is a little nineties, Mr Seabourne.

ANIS
You know what I mean?

T
I’ve got just the thing.

A LITTLE WHILE LATER NOW, ANIS IS DRESSED TO PERFECTION.

T
How is it?

ANIS
Cut to measure…perfect. Brioni?

T
Rest assured.

ANIS
The shoes…Black Oxfords?

T
The finest kind, with, of course, all the usual features. Now, pay attention, I know you are going to need a substantial amount of funding for this, so here is a gold card…

ANIS
Excellent.

T
…If you slide the top strip forwards, like this (DEMONSTRATING) this little clip comes out (IT DOES) you can use it as a lock pick.

ANIS
Well, they always said having a gold card can open brand new doors.

T
That’s not a common axiom in the parlance I tend to use myself, I think you made that phrase up purely to make a crap pun, but no matter, if you slide the top strip backwards, which I’m NOT going to do, it activates a five-second timed ignition inside, combusting the magnesium strip inside with a concentrate of C4, powerful enough to pierce an armoured car, so be very careful…

ANIS
Beware of the credit crunch!

T
Indeed…remember, forward for the lock pick, backward to blow up. And here’s a nice little surprise…your new car.

ANIS
I get a new car?

T
Yes.

ANIS
Ah, sweet!

T PULLS A TARPAULIN OFF A BIG SEXY LOOKING CAR. A SLEEK MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR.

T
Your new car: bulletproof, bombproof, shockproof, fireproof, laser proof, and burglar proof. Proof of just about anything.

ANIS
Ha. Then how do I get in?

T
Funny, you should say that, it’s configured to your fingerprints only. Now, it’s equipped with grille mounted machine guns, stinger missiles, smart torpedoes, rocket launchers, and harpoons. Extras: battering rams, revolving registration plates, smokescreen, oil jets, spike dispenser, tyre slashers, cement jets, mine dispensers, all-points radar, grenade launchers, standard ejector seat, driver and passenger, radar absorbent material for stealth, jet engine, CCTV, lasers, land-to-air/land-to-land/land-to-water heat seekers, flamethrowers, bulletproof tyres…oh, and four parachutes, in case you drive off a cliff again.

ANIS
Where do I sign!

T
You will find it exceedingly difficult to trash this car, Seabourne, but still, take care of it.

ANIS
Thank you. Ah, I need some ammo, my gun’s out.

T
Take some on your way out. Well, that’s all.

ANIS
I’m very grateful, but now I have to meet Oscar. He says he has information about the real person behind this.

T
Alright, watch your back.

ANIS
Till next time.

SCENE FIVE:

EXT. WATERLOO STATION - DAY

ANIS IS PARKING THE MERCEDES MACLAREN SLR AT WATERLOO STATION. ANIS’ THEME IS PLAYING (WHATEVER THAT IS). HE GETS OUT AND STRIDES INTO THE SHELTER OF THE STATION. AFTER SOME SEARCHING HE SPOTS OSCAR STANDING COMPLETELY STILL AMIDST THE JOSTLING CROWD. ANIS APPROACHES HIM.

ANIS
Oscar.

OSCAR
Anis.

ANIS
What’s the story?

OSCAR
They are all after you. Trust no one.

ANIS
I could see that for myself…what do you have for me?

OSCAR
Well you know, Farhad and I were investigating the suspicious activity of David Thornevil…it’s this I want to discuss with you.

ANIS
I’m all ears.

OSCAR
Yes…but not here, we should move. It’s dangerous.

SCENE SIX:

INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY

MATT AND LAUREN ARE DOING BACKGROUND CHECKS ON DAVID THORNEVIL USING THE INTERNET…SOURCE OF EVERYTHING.

LAUREN
I can’t find anything.

MATT
Look harder.

LAUREN
I am.

MATT FURROWS HIS BROW AT THE SCREEN, TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING. WE FOLLOW HIS EYES MOVING LEFT AND RIGHT READING FROM THE LAPTOP. HIS EYES STOP.

MATT
Lauren, do you know what Synopsense is?

LAUREN
No, I’ve never heard of it.

MATT
This company has been a financial backer of Thornevil for ages, but I can’t find it anywhere on the internet. I’m checking into the bank accounts of Thornevil’s…they’ve received a donation of £3,030,303,030.30 from Synopsense. I’m not sure this organisation even exists.

LAUREN
What do you want me to do?

MATT
I want you to widen your search to include Synopsense. Something’s up.

SCENE SEVEN:

INT. OSCAR’S CAR - DAY

OSCAR IS DRIVING ANIS AROUND BATTERSEA.

OSCAR
David must have been onto us, that’s the only reason for the murders yesterday.

ANIS
What was he up to?

OSCAR
He is an oil tycoon, but there were some irregularities with the banking, something to do with Synopsense. GA943 got involved…asking for trouble like we always do, and look what happened. Over a hundred good men and women got killed…for nothing.

ANIS
And apparently I’m to blame. You mentioned Synopsense, that’s what…is that…?

OSCAR
It’s a damn joke, Anis. Farhad is dead. He and I…we were so close to getting that fucker.

ANIS
Presumably you two were undercover?

OSCAR
Yes.

ANIS
Then how could anything get traced back to GA943?

SILENCE.

ANIS
Presumably if you two were both doing your jobs right, there was no way to connect GA943 with an investigation into David Thornevil…unless you guys weren’t doing your jobs…How did Thornevil even know to strike yesterday when every agent would be present in one location. Only an employee could have known about it…unless…

OSCAR’S GUN CLICKS AGAINST ANIS’ HEAD. ANIS STOPS TALKING. OSCAR PULLS OVER, THEN TURNS TO FACE ANIS. ANIS LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE.

ANIS
How could you…we were your own people. It was a slaughter.

OSCAR
You’ve heard enough. I’m bringing you in. You’ve already been scapegoated. A clean death, and my part in this will be over.

SCENE EIGHT:

INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY

A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF TIME HAS ELAPSED. LAUREN AND MATT ARE REALLY BORED.

LAUREN
Ugh.

MATT
Jesus, I’m sick of this.

LAUREN
Let’s put the TV on.

MATT
I hardly see how that’s going to help.

LAUREN
Because surfing the internet has so far.

MATT
God, you’re annoying.

LAUREN
You’re worse.

MATT
Bloody hell! Fine!

MATT THROWS THE REMOTE AT HER. IT GRAZES ONE STRAND OF HER JUMPER’S MATERIAL.

LAUREN
Owwwwww!!!! That hurt! You didn’t have to beat me with a remote!

MATT
Overreaction much?

LAUREN
Erm, I’m sorry, you’re not from California, so I don’t know why you’re doing that thing they do, saying ‘much’ after stating some loserish comment, turning it into a question.

MATT
Oh just shut up and turn the TV on.

LAUREN
No! I won’t now! LOSER.

MATT’S LIPS THIN.

SCENE NINE:

INT. OSCAR’S CAR - DAY

ANIS IS SUBTLY THUMBING HIS POCKET FOR HIS GUN.

OSCAR
Ah ah ah! Give your gun to me. Slowly. Carefully.

ANIS SLOWLY PULLS OUT THE GUN FROM HIS POCKET. BEFORE YOUR EYES CAN REGISTER HE SKILLFULLY FLICKS HIS GUN SO IT’S COCKED AT OSCAR.

ANIS
Shoulda killed me when you had the chance. I’m not giving up.

OSCAR
Oh tush. You amuse me. Here we are both of us with guns aiming at each other. The first person to pull the trigger wins. So why haven’t you pulled yours?

ANIS
I need information.

OSCAR
Oh, what a boring reason.

ANIS
If you shoot me, I’ll shoot you instantly after.

OSCAR
If you shoot me, I’ll shoot you instantly after.

IT IS TENSE.

AFTER A WHILE OF HOLDING UP A GUN TO EACH OTHER’S HEADS, THEIR ARMS ARE GETTING TIRED.

OSCAR SUDDENLY MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SOMETHING OFFSCREEN.

OSCAR
Whoa! Look behind you!

ANIS
Yeah, I’m not falling for that.

OSCAR
You can forgive one for trying.

ANIS SUDDENLY MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SOMETHING OFFSCREEN

ANIS
Shit! What’s that?

OSCAR TURNS TO LOOK AND GETS HIT WITH THE BUTT OF ANIS’ GUN. FURIOUS AT FALLING FOR ANIS’ TRICK, HE SNARLS AND TRIES TO STRANGLE ANIS. ANIS GETS HOLD OF OSCAR’S WRIST AND APPLIES PRESSURE SO THAT BLOOD CUTS OFF. OSCAR LETS GO OF ANIS’ NECK AND ANIS KICKS OSCAR IN THE STOMACH AGAINST THE DRIVER’S WINDOW.

SCENE TEN:

INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY

THE TV IS NOW ON. THE SQUABBLE HAS BEEN SORTED OUT. FOR NOW.

MATT
Why are we watching this?

LAUREN
There’s nothing else on.

MATT
Just check.

LAUREN
I don’t need to check.

MATT
But what if there’s something good on?

LAUREN
I’ll check when the adverts come on.

MATT
Yeah but the adverts on TV all come on at the same time, what would be the point?

LAUREN IGNORES MATT.

MATT
Um…that’s my TV, you know!

LAUREN IGNORES MATT AND WATCHES THE TV.

A BLACK PRIEST COMES ON TV.

BLACK PRIEST
Hello, good evening, and welcome to Mad Skillz, I’m your host, Reverend Ramsey Hassan. I’m going to be asking every one of you, the viewer to please call in and donate to our cause. Remember hell is full of paedophiles, racists, fascists, terrorists, tourists, people with bad breath, spiders, traffic wardens, flies, Paris Hiltons, those people who, when you get out of the way to avoid them are still somehow in your way, slow walkers, people who always reject you and cancel your appointments, your real father, slick salesmen, con artists, tax men, and the people who cancelled Futurama. If you call and donate to us, you will be guaranteed a place in heaven, which is full of Scarlet Johanssons, Maria Sharapovas, Vernon Kays, Sir Tom Jones’s, Luciano Pavarottis, everlasting mp3 players, ultra high speed internet connection, every film and TV show available on Blu-ray, pralines and cream Haagen-Dazs, clean teeth, good smells, hot buttered toast, and mountains of money.

MATT
Again…why are we watching this?

LAUREN IGNORES MATT AND WATCHES THE TV.

REVEREND RAMSEY
Well, we were on yesterday, and yesterday, we made…drumroll please…thanks Mike, the drumroll supervisor, everybody. We made…5 billion Euros…and I’m just getting how much that is in pounds, bare with me…three billion and thirty million, three hundred and three thousand and thirty pounds, thirty pence!

MATT SITS UP.

MATT
£3,030,303,030.30???? There it is!

MATT JUMPS UP AND SITS CLOSE TO THE SCREEN WATCHING INTENTLY.

REVEREND RAMSEY
In just a moment I’ll have the figures for today…how much have we raised today? How much? Well ladies and gentlemen, God has told me that today we have raised another seven million pounds! But he also tells me he is going to send everyone to hell with the bad breath and paedophilia if we don’t donate together a combined forty five million, so please ring up folks. Remember, I’m doing this for free.

MATT
They’re up another seven million? Quick, Lauren, refresh the screen showing the money contributed by Synopsense.

LAUREN DOES.

LAUREN
Yep, it’s now 3 billion and thirty seven million.

MATT
Oh my god, of course! That’s how he’s doing it. This whole televangelism thing is a front to fund this Thornevil bastard…so why nothing for Synopsense? Unless…try searching the databank of Reverend Ramsey Hassan.

LAUREN
I’m looking now…ok he was a political activist in the eighties, got committed to jail…for fornication with a, oh my god…

MATT
What?

LAUREN
A bear!

MATT
Well, never mind that, what’s he been up to recently?

LAUREN
It says here that he has been hosting this televangelism show for the past three years…about the same amount of time Thornevil’s getting himself established.

MATT
Oh I’m seeing right through this. I’m gonna use my laptop too. Keep looking…I’m glad we’re finding more.

SCENE ELEVEN:

INT. OSCAR’S CAR - DAY

ANIS AND OSCAR ARE FIGHTING IT OUT INSIDE THE CAR. OUTSIDE OF THE CAR, SOME CHAVVY KIDS ARE POINTING AND LAUGHING COS THEY THINK THERE ARE PEOPLE SHAGGING INSIDE.

INSIDE THE CAR OSCAR’S ELBOW HAS SUNK INTO ANIS’ NECK. ANIS CAN’T BREATHE. ANIS REPEATEDLY KNEES OSCAR IN THE NADS, BUT OSCAR DOESN’T EVEN REACT. ANIS GIVES UP AND WRIGGLES SO OSCAR LOSES HOLD, THEN GIVES OSCAR A COLOSSALLY MASSIVE HEADBUTT. OSCAR’S NOSE BREAKS AND HE SCREAMS AGONISED.

OSCAR
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHAAAAIIIEEEEE!!!!

HE PUNCHES ANIS IN THE FACE WITH A LOUD SMASH.

ANIS
Agh! Gordon Bennett!

OUTSIDE THE CAR, ITS JOSTLING HAS ATTRACTED POLICE ATTENTION.

INSIDE THE CAR, BOTH TRAINED GOVERNMENT OPERATIVES GRASP EACH OTHER’S NECK AND SQUEEZE AS HARD AS THEY BOTH CAN. THEY BOTH GO RED AND GET WEAKER. ANIS TAKES ADVANTAGE OF OSCAR’S WEAKENING AND SOON OSCAR DIES. BEFORE ANIS CAN GET HIS BREATH BACK, THE WINDOW IS SMASHED AND HE IS DRAGGED OUT BY ROUGH POLICE HANDS.

PC#1
Oi oi. What’s going on here then? Just felt like fucking in a public place in the morning eh, guv?

ANIS (CHOKING)
It’s not…

THE SECOND POLICE OFFICE INSPECTS THE REST OF THE CAR.

PC#2
Eh! It was another bloke in ‘ere!

PC#1 LOOKS AT THE BRUISED ANIS ON THE FLOOR DISGUSTED.

PC#2
And ’e’s dead.

PC#1
’E’s dead?

PC#2
’E’s dead, ’e is, I toldja

PC#1 ROUGHLY HAULS ANIS UP TO HIS FEET AND HANDCUFFS HIM BEHIND HIS BACK.

PC#1
Well, you sir, are under arrest. You do not need to say anything…

ANIS
Wait, just…

ANIS TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THIS DUMB COPPER WHO ACTUALLY OBEYED THE ‘WAIT’ COMMAND AND DOES ANOTHER SICKENING HEADBUTT. HE DOES A SUPREMELY SLICK JUMP WHERE HE HYPER BENDS HIS KNEES AND BRINGS HIS CUFFED HANDS UNDERNEATH THEM SO THEY ARE NOW IN FRONT OF HIM, AND BEFORE THE FIRST CONSTABLE’S NOSE HAS EVEN STARTED TO BLEED, HE HAS THE SECOND OFFICER IN A CHOKEHOLD. AFTER A REALISTIC AMOUNT OF TIME, TWENTY STRANGLING BONE-CRUNCHING SECONDS OR SO, THE SECOND POLICE OFFICER FALLS UNCONSCIOUS NEXT TO THE OTHER POLICEMAN.

CHAVVY KID
Fahkin’ ’ell!

PC#1 GETS ON THE RADIO AND RADIOS FOR BACK UP THROUGH HIS BLOOD SOAKED FACE.

PC#1
Back up…send back up!

ANIS GRABS HIS GUN FROM THE CAR AND SCAMPERS AWAY CROUCHED DOWN USING CARS AS COVER. PC#1 FIRES OFF A COUPLE OF WIDE SHOTS AT ANIS. ANIS CROUCHES DOWN BEHIND SOME CARS AND BANGS OFF SOME WARNING FIRE. PC#1 RETURNS IT, AND BY NOW BACK UP HAS ARRIVED. ANIS’ EYES DART LEFT AND RIGHT AS HE TRIES TO MAKE A PLAN. HE TAKES A TIME OUT FROM THINKING TO FIRE OFF MORE WARNING SHOTS. ONE OF THE BULLETS HITS THE POLICE CAR’S PETROL TANK. THE NOISE IS SO LOUD THE WINDOWS OF THE CAR ANIS IS USING AS COVER SHATTER SENDING GLASS OVER HIM. HE PEEKS UP TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED AND HE STARES AGHAST AT THE POLICE CAR, ELEVATED BY AN OTT FIREBALL FORTY FEET INTO THE AIR IN SLOW MOTION. HE STARES FOR A MOMENT AS THE CAR HOVERS IN THE AIR. HE LOOKS AT HIS GUN, SURPRISED, THEN BACK AT THE MASSIVE FIREBALL HOVERING CAR ORGY. THEN, GRAVITY HITS AND THE CAR BEGINS ITS DESCENT TO THE GROUND. ANIS IS ALREADY RUNNING.

ANIS IS RUNNING AWAY, LOOKING FOR AN ESCAPE ROUTE. HE DARTS DOWN AN ALLEY. NOW THE POLICE HAVE MORE SUPPORT AND START TO PURSUE HIM DOWN THE ALLEY. ANIS JUMPS ONTO A BIN AND VAULTS OVER A CHAIN FENCE, DESPITE THE HINDRANCE OF HAVING CUFFED HANDS. HE DARTS OUT OF THE ALLEY BUT IS BLOCKED OFF BY ANOTHER POLICE CAR. ANIS DODGES THE CAR AND DEFTLY SHOOTS ONE OF THE CAR’S TYRES. POLICE GET OUT TO SHOOT BUT HE HAS ALREADY VANISHED.

ANIS IS RUNNING AND RUNNING, THEN STOPS TO GET HIS BREATH. A SHOT GOES OFF BY HIS HEAD AND HE FLINCHES. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM, SO HE DECIDES TO SCARPER. HE RUNS AND BOUNDS INTO THE ROAD. HE STANDS IN FRONT OF AN ONCOMING CAR AND WAVES HIS GUN. THE CAR, A BUGATTI VEYRON, SQUEALS ON THE BRAKES. ANIS RUNS AROUND THE SIDE OF THE CAR AND BRANDISHES HIS GUN AT THE DRIVER’S WINDOW.

ANIS
Move over, and stay calm.

THE WINDOW WINDS DOWN AND WE SEE THE DRIVER IS MOVIE STEREOTYPE NUMBER 534: THE LOUDMOUTH BLACK GUY. HIS NAME IS MARTIN.

MARTIN
Muthafucka, you musta lost yo goddamn mind!

ANIS CLICKS THE GUN IN MARTIN’S FACE.

MARTIN
Whoa, this muthafucka ain’t messin’ around.

MARTIN SCOOCHES OVER. ANIS GETS IN AND DRIVES AWAY.

MARTIN
W’a’g’w’an’n, muthafucka? Why you gotta fuckin’ getaway so muthafuckin’ fast? Shit! You’re handcuffed! You must be in some deep shit!

ANIS
Please stop talking, I’m not guilty, I work for the government, there’s just been a misunderstanding.

MARTIN
Muthafuckas in a misunderstandin’ don’t be just be pullin’ over random drivers. Muthafuckas in a misunderstandin’ wait for the misunderstandin’ to be resolved and shit.

ANIS HAS GIVEN UP ON TALKING AND WEAVES THROUGH THE TRAFFIC.

THERE IS A HELICOPTER ABOVE THEM WHICH ATTRACTS ANIS’ ATTENTION.

ANIS
Ah shit…

MARTIN
What?

ANIS
There must be a tunnel around here somewhere, so I can lose the chopper.

MARTIN
Wha…that helicopters tracking you? In my muthafuckin’ baby? Git the fuck outta mah car!

ANIS
Look, they don’t know I’m in a car, just act normal, and it’ll be fine.

MARTIN
This is some booooshit.

ANIS COMES TO A TRAFFIC LIGHT AT A CROSSROADS. A POLICE CAR COMES INTO VIEW FROM ANIS’ RIGHT. ANIS STARES AT IT, SILENTLY PRAYING.

ANIS (MURMURING)
Come on, come on, nothing to see here.

WE LINGER ON THE POLICE CAR FOR A FEW TENSE MOMENTS. THEN IT POPS THE SIREN.

ANIS
Crap.

ANIS PULLS UP THE HANDBRAKE, SLAMS HIS FEET ON THE ACCELERATOR AND SWITCHES UP THE GEARS.

MARTIN
Shiiiit!!

THREE POLICE CARS FOLLOW THEM.

MARTIN
Mu’afucka, you headin’ for the bridge! There’s too much traffic!

ANIS (DRIVING. NO NONSENSE)
Well there’s one thing they didn’t count on…my reckless disregard for human life!

ANIS VEERS TO AVOID THE TRAFFIC ON BATTERSEA BRIDGE AND RIDES UP THE KERB ONTO THE PAVEMENT. HE HAS TO LET GO OF THE WHEEL SO HIS CUFFED HANDS CAN REACH THE GEAR STICK. HE CLUTCHES IT WAY UP INTO FIFTH.

MARTIN
You sure are a crazy sonofa…whoaaaaaa!!!

ANIS IS ZOOMING OVER THE BRIDGE, BEEPING THE HORN FRANTICALLY. JOGGERS DIVE ‘COMICALLY’ OUT OF THE WAY INTO THE TRAFFIC. FOR SOME REASON THAT MUSTASCHIOED BORAT LOOKING FRUIT CART OWNER IS JUST WALKING DOWN THE BRIDGE. HE SEES THE BEEPING CAR HEADING TOWARDS HIM AND HE SENSIBLY JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY. INSTEAD OF DIVING INTO THE ROAD, HE JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY INTO THE THAMES. ANIS DRIVES BY.

NOTHING TO FEAR, HOWEVER, THE MUSTASCHIOED BORAT DUDE EMERGES FROM THE RIVER WITH A FISH SLAPPING ON TOP OF HIS HEAD. HE SPEWS OUT A LOAD OF RIVER WATER, THEN HE SHAKES HIS FIST ANGRILY AFTER THE CARS, SCOWLING AND CURSING.

BACK WITH ANIS, HE’S BACK ON THE ROAD, STILL TRYING TO ELUDE THE COPS, BUT IS HAVING TROUBLE BECAUSE OF THE HELICOPTER. HE PULLS OUT INTO THE OPPOSITE LANE, AND VEERS AROUND PAST MILLBANK. A POLICE CAR CUTS HIM OFF AND DRIVES IN FRONT OF HIM.

MARTIN
We’re dead, muthafucka! They come for us!

BEFORE ANIS CAN REPLY, A MISSILE HAS BEEN FIRED INTO THE POLICE CAR. THERE IS AN EXPLOSION IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEY STARE AGAPE AS THE POLICE CAR SAILS OVER THEIR HEADS.

ANIS AND MARTIN
What the f…

ANIS AND MARTIN LOOK LEFT TO SEE WHERE ‘THE F…’ THE MISSILE CAME FROM. THERE IS A CAR DRIVING BESIDE THEM. STANDING FIRM THROUGH THE SUN ROOF IS A GORGEOUS SKINNY BLONDE GIRL HOLDING A BAZUKA.

ANIS
Holy shit…

MARTIN
She’s NICE!

ANIS PANICS AS HE SEES HER LOAD ANOTHER MISSILE AND AIM FOR HIM. ANIS GETS OUT HIS GUN AND SHOWS IT TO MARTIN.

ANIS
Do you know how to use a gun?

MARTIN
Whoa, mu’afucka, you ain’t getting’ my fingerprints on that shit!

ANIS
Then fucking drive!

ANIS SLIDES HIS SEAT BACK FORCEFULLY. THIS ISN’T A TIME TO DEBATE.

ANIS
Take the wheel!

MARTIN
Whoa, mu’afucka! My car!! Whatchoo doin’!!

ANIS DEFTLY SLIDES HIMSELF OVER INTO THE BACKSEAT, LEAVING MARTIN TO CLIMB AWKWARDLY INTO THE DRIVING SEAT. ANIS ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOWS AND AIMS AT THE BLONDE GIRL.

SHE FIRES AT THE CAR.

ANIS
MOVE!!!

MARTIN SWERVES WILDLY INTO MILLBANK, NARROWLY AVOIDING THE MISSILE, AND DOES A 360 DEGREE TURN ON THE GRASS. HE GETS OFF THE PARK BACK ONTO THE MAIN ROAD AND GETS DIRECTLY BEHIND THE CAR.

MARTIN (SMUG)
How’s that for drivin’?

ANIS
We do not want to be behind her, get in front!

MARTIN
Oh yeah, shit!

THE CARS RACE PAST WESTMINSTER.

THE BLONDE GIRL RELOADS THE MISSILE AND AGAIN AIMS AT THE CAR. ANIS POPS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SHOOTS AT HER. SHE GETS DOWN, HER HEAD JUST PEEKING OUT OF THE SUNROOF. SHE AIMS THE BAZUKA BY FEEL. SHE FIRES.

MARTIN STEERS OUT OF THE WAY JUST IN TIME TO COME IN ON HER CAR’S RIGHT SIDE. THE MISSILE HITS THE TAILING POLICE CAR WHICH BLOWS UP, SOMERSAULTING SPECTACULARLY, BLOCKING THE OTHER FOLLOWING POLICE CARS. THE GIRL JUMPS AS BULLETS SCATTER AROUND HER HEAD. SHE SEES THE DENTS FROM THE BULLETS PEPPERED ON THE CAR’S ROOF AND LOOKS UP. IT’S THE POLICE HELICOPTER. SHE RELOADS THE BAZUKA AND AIMS.

MARTIN PULLS THE CAR IN FRONT OF HERS. HE LOOKS BACK AT ANIS. ANIS IS ABOUT TO SHOOT THROUGH THE REAR WINDOW. MARTIN’S EYES BUG OUT.

MARTIN
Mu’afucka please! What do you think you’re doing?

ANIS
I’m trying to stop her!

MARTIN
Stop her without breaking my goddamn window!

ANIS TURNS HIS HEAD AND CRANES HIS NECK OUT OF THE WINDOW. IT’S AN AWKWARD POSITION. HE STOPS SCOWLING AS HE HEARS THE SOUND OF THE MISSILE. IT’S NOT FIRED AT HIM, HOWEVER. HE LOOKS AND SEES THE MISSILE FIRE INTO THE SKY AT THE HELICOPTER. IT HITS. THE HELICOPTER EXPLODES, AND FLAMING OFFICERS PRECIPITATE ONTO THE TRAFFIC.

ANIS
Alright, this girl’s a psycho.

ANIS TAKES AIM, AND FIRES AT HER, BUT HIS KILLER AIM IS THROWN OFF BY MARTIN’S PANICKY DRIVING.

ANIS
Keep it straight! Wait, turn here! Over the bridge!

MARTIN
Mu’afucka, we going back over ANOTHER bridge??? You goddamn crazy???

ANIS
Do you WANT to get bazukad??? Then shut up and drive!

MARTIN (QUOTING RIHANNA)
Shut up and drive, drive…

MARTIN SWERVES WILDLY. SUDDENLY ANOTHER CAR COMES OUT ONTO THE ROAD. THE DRIVER IS ALSO SHOOTING AT THEM.

MARTIN
Fucking hell, what we gonna do?

ANIS
Don’t panic! Just drive down to Waterloo.

THE THREE CARS RACE DOWN THE BRIDGE, SIDE BY SIDE, WITH MARTIN’S CAR IN THE MIDDLE. ANIS SPIES A SIGN IN FRONT OF THE IMAX.

ANIS
Try to keep on the right!

ANIS MOVES ONTO THE RIGHT BACK SEAT, ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW, AND FACES THE BAZUKA GIRL’S CAR.

HE FIRES AT THE WOODEN SIGN, WHICH GETS DESTROYED.

ANIS
Keep on the right!

BY KEEPING THE CAR ON THE RIGHT, THEY HAVE FORCED THE BLONDE GIRL ONTO A MAKESHIFT RAMP USING THE COLLAPSED SIGN. HER CAR FLIES INTO THE AIR, HEADING STRAIGHT TO THE IMAX.

CUT TO:

INT. IMAX CINEMA.

THE AUDIENCE IS AVIDLY WATCHING SPIDER-MAN 2 IN 3D.

ON SCREEN:

TOBEY MAGUIRE AS PETER PARKER
…kiss you?

KIRSTEN DUNST AS MARY JANE WATSON
I need to know something. Just one kiss.

KIRSTEN DUNST MOVES TO KISS TOBEY MAGUIRE.

IN AUDIENCE:

AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLED GARY
Gosh watching this in 3D makes everything seem more realistic.

AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLED SUMAYYA
The film’s been on for an hour and forty minutes, isn’t it a kind of badly written, hackneyed thing for someone sitting in the audience to make that sort of comment on it now?

ON SCREEN A CAR SUDDENLY FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW AT THE CAFÉ WHERE TOBEY MAGUIRE AND KIRSTEN DUNST ARE SITTING.

THEN THE BLONDE GIRL’S CAR *CONVENIENTLY* FLIES INTO THE CINEMA. AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT. YEAH.

EXCEPT SHE DOESN’T FLY IN THROUGH THE SCREEN, THAT WOULD MAKE THE PREVIOUS TEN SECONDS BITTERLY IRONIC AND ARBITRARILY PITHY, INSTEAD SHE COMES CAREERING OUT OF THE AUDIENCE, KILLING GARY AND SUMAYYA, AND LANDING ON MANY OTHER INNOCENT MEMBERS, KILLING THEM.

CUT TO:

EXT. IMAX CINEMA

MARTIN AND ANIS ARE NOW EVADING THE ONE OTHER CAR, WHICH HAD THE DRIVER SHOOTING AT THEM.

MARTIN IS CONGRATULATING HIMSELF ON HIS DRIVING AND ABILITY TO SEND A DEADLY ASSASSIN FLYING INTO A CINEMA. ANIS IS MARVELLING AT THE SECOND HUGE HOLE HE LEFT IN A LONDON LANDMARK IN TWO DAYS.

ANIS THEN SPOTS SOME ROADWORKS AHEAD.

ANIS
Wait, concentrate on the road!

MARTIN LOOKS BACK ONTO THE ROAD WHERE HE’S DRIVING. HE’S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE ROADWORKS.

MARTIN
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

MARTIN COVERS HIS EYES AS HIS CAR CRASHES INTO SOME ROADWORK SIGNS. ANIS DOES HIS SEATBELT AS THE CAR GOES FLYING INTO A HUGE TRENCH.

MARTIN AND ANIS
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

THE CAR LANDS SAFELY IN THE HOLE. HOWEVER, THEY ARE NOW TRAPPED AS BUILDERS ARE FILLING THE HOLE WITH CEMENT. THE CEMENT POURS ON THE WINDSCREEN.

MARTIN
AAAAAAHHH! Mofo!! My car!!

HE TRIES TO OPEN HIS DOOR TO GET OUT, BUT IT ONLY OPENS AN INCH INTO THE CONCRETE PIT AROUND THEM.

MARTIN
AAAH!! We’re trapped, and bout to be covered in cement!

ANIS
I’m going to have to shoot through the back window.

MARTIN BLINKS, EYES WELLING UP.

MARTIN
OK.

ANIS UNDOES HIS SEATBELT, SHOOTS THREE BULLETS INTO THE WINDOW AND ELBOWS HIS WAY OUT OF THE CAR, ONTO THE BOOT, AND SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE HOLE. MARTIN FOLLOWS HIM AND ESCAPES JUST IN TIME TO SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL CAR COVERED IN CEMENT.

MARTIN
My car…

ANIS
Well, at least we’re alive.

MARTIN
My baby…

SUDDENLY A GUN CLICKS AT THEM. IT IS THE DRIVER OF THE OTHER CAR. HE IS A ROUND BLACK MAN. ANIS TRIES TO SHOOT, BUT HIS GUN IS OUT OF BULLETS, HAVING USED THE LAST THREE TO ESCAPE THE CAR.

ANIS THROWS DOWN THE GUN AND HOLDS HIS CUFFED HANDS UP DEFEATED.

SCENE TWELVE:

INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY

MATT AND LAUREN ARE STILL ON LAPTOPS LOOKING FOR CONNECTIONS.

LAUREN
I’ve found it!

MATT
Ooo what’ve you found?

LAUREN
Well, we were looking for Synopsense, right? Because of all the money…well instead of Synopsense, I looked for Synop-dollar sign-ense

MATT
Dollar sign? The S with a line through it?

LAUREN
Yes! Here it is!

MATT SWEEPS ASIDE HIS LAPTOP AND SITS NEXT TO LAUREN. HE SEES THE SCREEN. THEY ARE LOOKING AT ‘SYNOP$ENSE’

LAUREN
Look at these accounts…they go back 8 years…and then nothing.

MATT
It’s like they never existed before…

LAUREN LOOKS AT MATT.

LAUREN
What’s the connection?

SCENE THIRTEEN:

EXT. WATERLOO STATION - DAY

ANIS AND MARTIN ARE STANDING APART, STARING AT THE ROUND BLACK MAN AIMING AT THEM. THE MAN REACHES INTO HIS POCKET.

MAN (PULLING OUT BADGE)
I’m Blake Leator, CIA.

ANIS
CIA?

BLAKE
Yes, and that blonde trying to obliterate you was Isis Connollyngus.

ANIS
Why does that ring a bell?

BLAKE
You should know, GA943 was tracking her. They linked her to a trio of girl assassins. Their identities are top secret.

ANIS
Why did she try to kill us? And for that fact, why were you?

BLAKE
I wasn’t shooting at you, I was shooting at her. Thanks to your antics we’ve got a cinema with a five foot wide gaping hole in the middle.

ANIS LOOKS OVER AT MARTIN.

ANIS
Let this man go, I had to commandeer his car to escape.

BLAKE LOOKS OVER AT MARTIN.

BLAKE
Boy…what’s your name?

MARTIN
Martin, motherFUCKAA.

BLAKE
Shame about your car. It was a beautiful thing. Now get the hell outta here. And don’t look back now.

MARTIN RUNS AWAY.

BLAKE
You are Anis Seabourne, am I correct?

ANIS
Yes.

BLAKE
We’ve been keeping an eye on you folks from across the pond and we responded to the mass murder from yesterday…that must have been hard to lose so many good men and women…well, we were also investigating David Thornevil, and we suspected he was connected to the Shibboleth device theft. We were gonna come over and give you guys a hand.

ANIS
What is the Shibboleth device?

BLAKE
Um…perhaps it’s best you don’t know. Can we move from here? The police are going to come any minute.

ANIS
Do you mind if I take my own car? You can follow me to a safe place.

HE POINTS BLAKE TO THE PARKED MERCEDES MACLAREN.

BLAKE
Be my guest.

SCENE FOURTEEN:

INT. GA943 – DAY

THE AGENTS LUCKY ENOUGH TO STILL BE ALIVE ARE SCANNING FREQUENCIES AND DIALLING UP LOTS OF NUMBERS. IT ALL LOOKS BIG BUSINESS. SUDDENLY AGENT EMMA HEARS SOMETHING PROMISING ON HER HEADPHONES. SHE GETS UP AND RUNS TO M’S OLD OFFICE, WITH KAREN AND LAWRATU NOW SAT IN IT.

KAREN
What?

EMMA
I think we found them, there’s a flat in Croydon logged onto our database…it was passkey encrypted, so I couldn’t tell whose account it was, but we’re all here, so…

LAWRATU
Worth a look.

KAREN
It’s them.

EMMA
Well, actually Oscar’s gone missing…it could be him.

LAWRATU
Get Agent Cristina to get a hold of Oscar. Everyone is meant to stay here. Get everyone else, we’re going to Croydon.

SCENE FIFTEEN:

EXT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY

ANIS AND BLAKE GET OUT OF THEIR CARS. ANIS NODS BLAKE TO FOLLOW HIM UP TO MATT’S HIDEOUT.

INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT. ANIS OPENS THE DOOR AND COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

ANIS
What did you find?

MATT
You’re not gonna believe it – who’s he?

BLAKE
Know your friends, Mr McLeron. I’m Blake Leator, CIA. I’m here to help. You do not need to introduce yourself; we all admire you over at the agency for offing the French president.

MATT SHAKES HANDS WITH HIM.

MATT
This is Lauren.

BLAKE (GUARDED)
Hey.

ANIS
First, let’s get these handcuffs off.

MATT
Lauren, there’s a hacksaw in a utility drawer, near the sink.

SHE LEAVES TO GET IT.

MATT AND ANIS
So what can you tell us?

MATT
You first.

ANIS
Ok, what we have is a billionaire who was up to some iffy economising, and GA943 got involved. For some reason, Oscar switched sides and leaked the best time for an ambush.

LAUREN RETURNS AND HELPS SAW ANIS OUT OF THE CUFFS.

MATT
Oscar?

ANIS
He tried to kill me. He’s responsible for yesterday’s bloodbath.

MATT
Whoa…

ANIS
And what’s more, there is a blonde assassin out to get me…though I think I killed her. However, I’m told she is part of a trio, so there’ll be another two after me…also this David stole the Shibboleth device.

MATT
What did we say yesterday?

ANIS
I know.

MATT
We knew it! We bloody knew it!

ANIS
So what’d you find?

LAUREN FREES ANIS FROM THE CUFFS.

MATT
There has been a mysterious company called Synopsense collaborating with Thornevil’s company, donating money through a televangelism scam. We searched and searched and all we could find out about the company is that eight years ago, it didn’t exist. There’s no CEO, President, employees. I can’t even find shareholders. It’s a weird one. Wait…do you hear that?

ANIS
No.

LAUREN
No.

BLAKE
No.

MATT
No.

ANIS
No…

LAUREN
No…

BLAKE
No…

MATT
No…

MATT RUNS TO THE WINDOW AND PEERS OUT. HE IS JOINED BY ANIS.

MATT
Exactly: this is a main road…where are all the pedestrians?

ANIS
It’s GA943…they’re here!

MATT
Well, it’s a bit churlish to jump to that conclusion, oh wait, no you’re correct, look there’s Doreen hiding behind that car.

ANIS
You got a way out of here?

MATT
Don’t worry, escape plan’s always the first thing on my mind.

LAUREN GOES TO THE KITCHEN.

MATT
Hey, where’r’you going?

LAUREN STARTS OPENING CUPBOARDS HURRIEDLY.

LAUREN
Quick, start escaping. I’m going to slow them down.

ANIS
No, you’re coming with us.

LAUREN GRABS A BAG OF SUGAR.

LAUREN
Don’t worry, I’ll be right behind you.

ANIS
No, I’m not going to have you liaise with them, and leak all our good work, come ON.

LAUREN FINDS A CAN OF MOTOR OIL ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS A CAN OF BEANS IN THE UTILITY DRAWER.

LAUREN
Ok, you don’t have to leave without me, I’ll just be a minute.

ANIS WATCHES AT SHE PICKS OFF THE OIL CAN LID AND DIPS A PENCIL IN PULLS IT OUT AND PLACES IT ON A TISSUE. THEN SHE POURS SUGAR IN THE OIL CAN AND STIRS IT AROUND WITH A SPOON.

ANIS
Napalm?

LAUREN
We’re in a hurry, get ready.

SHE GETS SOME STRING, TIES IT AROUND THE PENCIL. THEN SHE TAKES A CIGAR OUT OF HER HANDBAG AND TIES THE STRING TO THAT. SHE PUTS THE CAN OF OIL AROUND TWO FEET AWAY FROM THE FRONT DOOR, AND PLACES THE CIGAR ON A TABLE SO THE OIL DOUSED PENCIL IS SUSPENDED SIX INCHES OR SO ABOVE THE OIL CAN. THE CIGAR NEARLY FALLS OFF THE TABLE BUT SHE GETS A HEAVY BOOK TO WEIGH IT DOWN. THEN SHE SETS THE PENCIL ALIGHT, THEN LIGHTS THE CIGAR.

LAUREN
Ok, we run now.

MATT AND BLAKE HAVE OPENED THE WINDOWS AND ARE READY TO JUMP ON THE BAR’S AWNING, SO THEY CAN GET TO THE CARS. BLAKE DROPS DOWN FIRST, THEN MATT, THEN LAUREN, THEN ANIS SO THEY ARE ALL NOW STANDING BY THE CARS.

ANIS
Matt, you go with Blake, I’ll go with Lauren.

HAMZA APPEARS.

HAMZA
Anis.

EVERYONE IS GROSSED OUT BY HAMZA’S HANDPRINT-EXCLUDING BURNED FACE.

ANIS
Whoa!

MATT
Like, dude, what happened to your face?

HAMZA
Him.

ANIS
Whoa, I never wanted that to happen, I just wanted to incapacitate you for a bit.

HAMZA
Well look at me now.

ANIS
Oh I know, it’s all that Arab perfume you put on your hand.

HAMZA
Oh yeah!

ANIS
Yeah, when you covered your face with your hand, that must have ignited the perfume.

HAMZA
You might have a point. But that is neither here nor there. I’m putting you away.

ANIS
You have to believe me, I have NOTHING to do with this. It’s all David Thornevil. Just investigate into Synopsense, you’ll find the same answers we did. Oscar confessed that it was him who gave away our positions to Thornevil and set up an ambush with Thornevil’s men. Investigate into Synopsense…please.

HAMZA FIDDLES WITH HIS RADIO, DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO ALERT EVERYONE.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY

THE CIGAR IS BURNING DOWN TO THE STRING SUSPENDING THE FLAMING PENCIL OVER THE NAPALM.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR KAREN IS WAITING FOR AGENT EMMA TO PICK THE LOCK.

KAREN
Quickly…

EMMA PICKS IT.

EMMA (WHISPERING)
Done.

SHE BEGINS OPENING THE DOOR.

KAREN (UNPROFESSIONAL HUNGRY GLEAM IN HER EYES)
No no no…let me.

KAREN OPENS THE DOOR. SUDDENLY HER RADIO GOES OFF.

HAMZA (O.S.)
I’ve got Seabourne down here! In front of the building every-argh!!

KAREN, DISTRACTED BY THE RADIO, DOES NOT AT FIRST REGISTER THE FLAMING PENCIL HELD ON A STRING FROM A CIGAR. THE CIGAR IS NOW WORN DOWN, SO THE STRING FALLS OFF, DROPPING THE LIT PENCIL INTO THE NAPALM.

BANG!!!!!!!!!!

KAREN GETS SET ON FIRE AND ROLLS ON THE GROUND SCREAMING FOR HELP.

KAREN
NOOOO!!!! I’M ON FIRE!!! AND SOES MEH FACE!!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. BUILDING - DAY

HAMZA IS NOT HOLDING HIS GUN AT THEM.

HAMZA
OK, I’ve covered my arse…run.

ANIS
Thanks, Hamza.

MATT
I know a good plastic surgeon, dude…sort your face out, man. You used to be well fit.

ANIS
Dude, you’re making things worse. You leave with Blake first. NOW!

MATT GETS INTO BLAKE’S CAR AND THEY DRIVE OFF.

ANIS SLIDES HIS FINGER ON THE SLR’S DOOR HANDLE AND IT OPENS FOR HIM. LAUREN GETS IN. HE DRIVES TO THE END OF THE ROAD. DOREEN IS IN HOT PURSUIT IN A CAR BEHIND HIM, BUT ANIS IS IN THE WORLD’S BEST CAR. HE FLICKS A BUTTON AND, AT THE REAR OF THE CAR, THE MERCERDES LOGO FLIPS UP AND STARTS SPEWING WET CEMENT.

ANIS
Alright, let’s hit it.

HE FLICKS THE SWITCH AGAIN AND THE CEMENT STOPS POURING. THE MERCEDES SYMBOL FLAPS BACK DOWN. HE DRIVES OFF AND DOREEN’S CAR GETS STUCK IN THE CEMENT. SHE ANGRILY POUNDS THE CAR’S HORN. ALL THE FOLLOWING GA943 AGENTS FALL FOR THE SAME TRICK AND GET CEMENTED TO THE ROAD.

ANIS CHUCKS THE PHONE TO LAUREN.

ANIS
Ring Matt’s phone. Put it on loudspeaker.

LAUREN CALLS.

MATT (O.S.)
Yo, Anis?

ANIS
This is it, we’re going to Thornevil.

MATT (O.S.)
Um…ok…

ANIS
Like Paul McCartney’s ex wife, we’re not running anymore!

LAUREN
What’s the plan?

BLAKE (O.S.)
Thornevillage is located on the south side of West Sussex. We should get there by evening.

ANIS
How do we go about getting in?

BLAKE (O.S.)
I’m going to log on to the CIA databank and download a schematic to my phone. Give me a few moments.

ANIS
I need ammo.

BLAKE (O.S.)
Don’t worry, I got enough weapons in the trunk.

LAUREN
How are we going to take him down?

ANIS
We go in, get proof, and if I meet him…it will be curtains for him.

MATT (O.S.)
He’ll get his chips.

ANIS
He’ll get his just desserts

MATT (O.S.)
His uppance shall come.

SCENE SIXTEEN:

INT. GA943 – NIGHT

ANOTHER IMPOSING SPEECH. THE FEW AGENTS OF GA943 LISTEN DEJECTED.

LAWRATU
Well, we found Anis. And he got away. AGAIN.

SHE LOSES IT.

LAWRATU
What are we paying you FOR!!!!!!

DOREEN
It’s not my fucking fault, he bonded our cars to the pavement.

LAWRATU
SHUT UP!!!!

EVERYONE KINDA FLINCHES.

LAWRATU
Karen has gone on leave. Her face was partially burned in the failed apprehension of Seabourne.

HAMZA
Um…my face was partially burned in the failed apprehension of Seabourne, I haven’t been allowed to go home.

LAWRATU
SHUT UP!!!!

HAMZA SCOWLS AND STARES DOWN AT HIS FEET AND RUINED HAND.

LAWRATU
No one is going home. No one is talking. You get your fucking heads to-fucking-gether and find that SONOFABITCH!

SCENE SEVENTEEN:

EXT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT

THORNEVILLAGE IS A WONDERFUL MASTERPEICE OF ARCHITECTURE. IT IS THORNEVIL’S OWN BASE OF OPERATIONS BOTH FOR HIS DIRTY DEALING AND SEEMINGLY BONAFIDE OIL MONOPOLY. IT HAS TURRETS AND BALCONIES, AND IT’S RATHER EXTRAVAGANT IN A WANTON SORT OF WAY.

ANIS IS PLUGGING IN A HANDS-FREE. MATT, LAUREN, AND BLAKE WAIT FOR THE PLAN EXPECTANTLY.

ANIS
OK, Blake, you’ve got the schematic, I want you on point navigating me through.

BLAKE
Ok, then. Matt, can you find a way to power down the electricity? At least if the Shibboleth device is being contained here, the lack of electricity should render it useless.

MATT
OK.

BLAKE
You need to go to the west and hit a point where the main vents are. That’s where the localised power station is.

MATT
Got it.

ANIS
Lauren, go with Matt.

LAUREN
I’m ready.

ANIS
You can handle yourself ok, alright?

LAUREN
I can handle myself just fine.

ANIS
OK, I’ll see you all on the other side. Good luck.

ANIS PATS BLAKE ON THE BACK. THEN HE SPUDS MATT GOODBYE. HE SNOGS LAUREN.

LAUREN
Anis…

ANIS
Yeah?

LAUREN
I love you.

ANIS
It was kinda obvious.

LAUREN
Is that all you’re going to say back?

ANIS
You ain’t half bad yourself, love, don’t worry. I like you and everything. Brup!

AT THAT, ANIS LEAVES AND SCURRIES OVER TO THE EAST OF THORNEVILLAGE. MATT AND LAUREN GO TO THE WEST. BLAKE CLIMBS UP THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING TO GET TO THE ROOF.

BLAKE (O.S.)
Anis, there's a small entry hole two stories up, northwest of the second stairwell near an old maintenance room, 120 feet from where you are.

ANIS
Roger that.

BLAKE (O.S.)
Say…Anis.

ANIS
Yo.

BLAKE (O.S.)
Do you trust Lauren?

ANIS
I’ve only known her a day, but so far…she’s proven herself capable. She’s got vitality, she’s beautiful…I wouldn’t leave home without her.

BLAKE (O.S.)
Well, she’s quite familiar to me, I’ve seen her before. I just can’t place it.

ANIS
Really?

BLAKE (O.S.)
Well, I figured you’re smart enough to know, anyone who I find familiar…in our line of work: not good.

ANIS
She’s with the agency, she’s got ties. She used to date a guy in an agency too.

BLAKE (O.S.)
Well, you’ve only known her a day, I’d keep cool about telling her you love her and that. This ain’t Speed. You ain’t Keanu Reeves. She ain’t Sandra Bullock. You’re not going to have a successful relationship like this. You need to have her open up.

ANIS
Speed wasn’t about real life events, Blake. I’m here now. Where next?

BLAKE
You need to get to the eighth floor, and make your way to the far east corner, 80 feet from the fire mains.

ANIS
Copy that.

BLAKE
I’ll be right above you. Watching.

SCENE EIGHTEEN:

INT. THORNEVILLAGE - NIGHT

LAUREN AND MATT ARE SOFTLY HURRYING TO THE POWER STATION. THEY ENTER UNMOLESTED. THE MAINS ARE LIKE A GIANT ENGINE, IMPOSSIBLY VAST.

MATT (HUSHED)
OK, to weaken the systems of a machine like this, both of us need to be working from either side. You go northside, I’ll go south.

LAUREN (WHISPERING)
OK.

SCENE NINETEEN:

INT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT

ANIS HAS REACHED HIS DESTINATION, THE MAIN OFFICE OF DAVID THORNEVIL. HE USES HIS CREDIT CARD LOCKPICK TO GET INTO THE DOOR. AH, HE’S SO AMAZING.

ANIS SEARCHES THROUGH SEVERAL FILING CABINETS AND STOWES AWAY SEVERAL INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS IN HIS GOLDENROD SATCHEL.

ANIS SILENTLY LEAVES THE OFFICE AND MAKES HIS WAY INTO A WIDE CIRCULAR ROOM. ON ONE SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A 20 FOOT WIDE MONITOR. ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE IS A GOTHIC ORNATE BALCONY.

BEFORE HE CAN EVEN BLINK, ROUGHLY SEVENTY ARMED GUARDS CLAD IN KEVLAR VESTS AND CAMOUFLAGE BURST IN AND TAKE AIM AT HIM. FROM A BALCONY ABOVE, DAVID THORNEVIL ENTERS AND LOOKS DOWN AT ANIS. ANIS IS TOTALLY, HOPELESSLY, SURROUNDED ON EVERY SIDE.

DAVID
We finally meet, Seabourne.

CUT TO:

INT. POWER ROOM

MATT IS RUNNING, KEEPING HIS BODY AS LOW AS POSSIBLE, BEHIND THE IMPORTANT MACHINES.
JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO POWER DOWN, A GUN CLICKS BEHIND HIS HEAD.

ATIA
Stop. Right. There.

CUT TO:

INT. CIRCULAR ROOM

ANIS LOOKS CORNERED.

DAVID
I think you’ll find escape quite impossible.

CUT TO:

EXT. THORNEVILLAGE ON THE ROOF.

BLAKE CREEPS DOWN THROUGH A WINDOW ONTO A SCAFFOLD HIGH ABOVE ANIS, AND WALKS SOFTLY TO A VANTAGE POINT. HE GETS OUT A SNIPER RIFLE, AND SETS IT UP TO AIM AT DAVID.

AS HE IS ABOUT TO PULL THE TRIGGER, HE IS SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD BY THE PSYCHOTICALLY DEADLY ISIS CONNOLLYNGUS.

CUT TO:

INT. CIRCULAR ROOM

ANIS LOOKS PENSIVE.

DAVID
Trying to use your gadgets, aren’t you? We are currently standing on a vast magnet, rendering any gadgets you have useless.

ANIS TRIES NOT TO LOOK PERTURBED AT THIS NEWS, BUT WE ALL KNOW THIS SPELLS DEATH FOR HIM.

DAVID
And as for your friends, they are currently being dealt with.

ANIS TRIES TO KEEP HIS POKER FACE. BUT IT IS OBVIOUS TO THE AUDIENCE THAT THIS IS A HUGE BLOW. BEFORE ANY MORE WORDS GET SPOKEN, BLAKE’S CARCASS FALLS IN FRONT OF ANIS, PUSHED OFF THE SCAFFOLD BY ISIS.

ANIS (FAÇADE CRUMBLING)
Fucking…monster…

ATIA ENTERS HOLDING A GUN TO MATT’S HEAD.

ANIS
You?

DAVID FLICKS A SWITCH AND AN IMAGE OF LAUREN COMES ON THE LARGE MONITOR OPPOSITE.

DAVID
Yes, yes, she and Isis work together in the field of waste management. They are currently being employed by me. They call themselves the Murdering Mistresses.

ANIS
Lauren…on the screen, what are you doing with Lauren?

DAVID LAUGHS AND HOLDS UP A KEYPAD.

DAVID
Lauren is trapped in a pressure chamber, and if I press this button here (DEMONSTRATING), it’s going to severely fuck up the pressure in the room.

HE PRESSES IT.

DAVID
Whoops!

ANIS
No!

DAVID
It’s amazing what a flick of a switch can do, isn’t it? Speaking of which, THIS switch does something wildly entertaining. You haven’t seen the Shibboleth device in action, have you? I bet you don’t even know what it does. Well, let’s pick a location…hmm…Knightsbridge. And let’s get a demonstration.

HE PRESSES SEVERAL BUTTONS. THEN

DAVID
Bombs away!

TANNOY
Target: Knightsbridge…estimated arrival…two minutes.

DAVID
In two minutes, Knightsbridge is going to be obliterated. Shame, Harrods was gonna have a sale tomorrow.

ANIS STARES SHOCKED AT DAVID, THEN LOOKS AT BLAKE’S DEAD BODY ON THE FLOOR, AT LAUREN SCREAMING ON THE BIG SCREEN, BLOOD SPURTING OUT OF HER EARS. HE TAKES A LOOK AT MATT, PLEADING FOR HIS LIFE. HE LOOKS AT THE MACHINE GUN BEING WAVED IN HIS FACE, AND AGAIN AT THE COUNTDOWN ON THE SCREEN. ONE MINUTE FIFTY SECONDS LEFT.

TICK…TOCK…

TICK…

TOCK…

END OF ACT TWO.

THE SHOCKING EXPLOSIVE FINALE HITS THIS PLACE IN ONE MONTH.

DO NOT MISS IT.

The GAP Action Film: Shibboleth: Act One by McLeron

2008-11-18T14:18:00.004Z

SHIBBOLETH: ACT ONE

SCENE ONE:

EXT. AIRBASE - NIGHT

IT’S A MURKY NIGHT, TORRENTIAL MONSOON RAIN, OVER A SEEMINGLY MOSTLY DESERTED AIRSTRIP. WORM’S EYE VIEW OF LIGHTNING DIVIDING THE DESOLATE CLOUDY SKY. A HORRIBLE NOISE CREEPS IN OVER THE RAIN. WE SEE A JET FLY OVER FROM THE UNDERSIDE. WE WATCH IT TAXI ONTO THE AIRSTRIP AND COME TO A STOP. A MASKED MILITARY POSSE OF THREE SCURRY OFF THE PLANE AND STEALTHILY MAKE THEIR WAY TO A BASE.

RANDOM MILITARY EVIL HENCHMAN #1 (RMEH #1)
Three of a kind. Let’s do this.

RMEH #2
That’s it? Three guys?

RMEH #1
Two guys on the roof. Every guy gets a share.

RMEH #2
Five shares is plenty.

RMEH #1
Six shares. Don’t forget the guy who planned the job.

RMEH #2
He thinks he can sit it out and still take a slice?

RMEH #1
Well, we now know why they call him the Klown.

CUT TO THE TWO RANDOM MILITARY EVIL HENCHMEN ON THE ROOF.

RMEH #4
So why do they call him the Klown?

RMEH #5
I heard he wears Joker makeup.

RMEH #4
Makeup?

RMEH #5
Yeah! To scare people. You know, warpaint

RMEH #4
So why don’t they call him the Joker, then?

RMEH #5
Copyright issues/Health and Safety/Gareth - that’s the reason for everything.

THEY SHOOT THE SECURITY OFFICIALS STATIONED AROUND THE BASE AND AFTER SOME FAST EDITED SHOTS THEY ALL STAND TOGETHER CONVENIENTLY WHERE THEY WANT TO BE. THERE IS A SIGN IN SOME FOREIGN LANGUAGE WHICH CONTAINS THE CURIOUS WORD ‘SHIBBOLETH’ THEY ATTACH A GREEN STICKY BOMB TO THE DOOR WHICH BARS THE ENTRANCE TO THE PLACE FROM WHICH THEY INTEND TO STEAL. THE POSSE SCRAMBLE FOR COVER AS THE BOMB EXPLODES, AND AS THE DUST SETTLES WE SEE THEM MAKING OFF WITH A HUGE MACHINE. RMEH #1 GETS A BIGGER STICKY BOMB AND PLACES IT IN A STRATEGIC PLACE. HE RACES TO THE JET WITH THE HUGE MACHINE AND OTHER HENCHMAN IN TOW. AS THE JET LEAVES THE GROUND, RMEH #3 WHO HAS BEEN SUSPICIOUSLY SILENT THUS FAR, SHOOTS ALL OTHER HENCHMEN. THE BOMB EXPLODES DESTROYING THE BASE IN ITS ENTIRETY. HE WATCHES THIS FROM THE PLANE. THEN HE GOES TO THE COCKPIT AND SHOOTS THE PILOT, AND BEGINS TO FLY THE PLANE HIMSELF. HE TAKES OFF HIS MASK, AND ALTHOUGH WE DO NOT SEE HIS FACE, WE CAN SEE THE BLURRY REFLECTION OF CLOWN MAKE-UP IN THE COCKPIT WINDSCREEN. HE CACKLES MANIACALLY.

SCENE TWO:

EXT. POLISH GOVERNEMT OFFICES - DAWN

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF POLISH GOVERNEMT OFFICES.

INT. POLISH OFFICES - DAWN

A MATERNAL LOOKING BLONDE LADY CALLED MARGARET DOES A CROSSWORD AS HER INFATUATED PINCHNOSED COWORKER DOMINIK DISCREETLY EYES HER UP. THE PHONE RINGS, MAKING DOMINIK JUMP. MARGARET PICKS UP THE PHONE. MARGARET GARBLES IN POLISH. AT FIRST SHE IS NODDING ALONG. THEN SHE GASPS IN SURPRISE. THEN SHE GABBLES ANGRILY. THEN SHE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE. DOMINIK ASKS HER WHAT'S UP.

MARGARET
Bolsljra Shibboleth she hai.

DOMINIK
Shibboleth??

MARGARET
Ya ya danske Shibboleth she hausen!!

DOMINIK
Ay, Shibboleth. Na!!!

MARGARET
Well I just have be calling London, and get GA943.

SCENE THREE:

INT. GA943 – EARLY MORNING

WE ARE IN AN ORNATE POLISHED OLD GOVERNMENT BUILDING. AT A SMALL NEAT DESK SITS DELICIA PENNY-ELLIOT. THE PHONE RINGS.

DELICIA
Who’s calling, please…thank you…Please hold for M

DELICIA PUTS THE CALLER ON HOLD AND DIALS INTO THE OFFICE NEXT TO HER. AFTER A SHORT WHILE, M ANSWERS OVER THE PHONE

M
Yes?

DELICIA
I got Poland calling saying that –

M
Poland?? What the fudding hell do they bloody want?

DELICIA
Well basically, they are calling for…

M
Just put them through.

CAMERA DOES A WEST WING STYLE SLIDE THROUGH THE WALL, MOSTLY BECAUSE I CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO MAKE THIS AN ENTIRELY NEW SCENE, AS IT OCCURS RIGHT NOW. WE ARE IN M’S OFFICE. M IS A BLACK WOMAN DRESSED ALL IN BLACK SAT BEHIND A DESK. THE DESK LAMP IS ON BECAUSE THE OFFICE IS DIMLY LIT. SHE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE, AND SAYS CURTLY

M
Yes?...Oh good god…Well I guess we’re going to have to put our top man on this.

SCENE FOUR:

EXT. LOG CABIN - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE LOG CABIN IN A SWEDISH FOREST.

INT. SWEDISH LOG CABIN. A COUPLE ARE IN A STATE OF COITUS. WE SLIDE CAMERA OVER SOME SKIN WITHOUT RAISING THE FILM CERTIFICATE. THE WOMAN IS GROANING LOUDLY. WE CONTINUE SLIDING UNTIL THE CAMERA RESTS ON THE PHONE ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. IT LIGHTS UP AND BUZZES, ATTRACTING THE COUPLE’S ATTENTION. THE GIRL ASSUMES HER SEX TOY HAS GONE OFF, AND SPEAKS WITH A THICK GENERICALLY FRANCO-EUROPEAN ACCENT.

NOA
Oh boy, sorry it’s just…

SHE REALISES IT IS THE PHONE.

NOA
Your phone.

WE SEE THE BACK OF THE MAN’S HEAD POP UP AND READ HIS TEXT. IT’S FROM GA943. IT SAYS ‘COME URGENTLY’ THE MAN SHRUGS THIS OFF AS IF TO SAY TEXTING ME ISN’T GOING TO MAKE ME COME ANY URGENTER

FIVE MINUTES LATER, WE CUT TO HIM, FULLY DRESSED IN TUXEDO, STANDING WITH HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA IN FRONT OF NOA.

NOA
Who do you think you are? What do you think you are doing? You’re leaving me, right after we had sex? You haven’t even told me your name, you know that?

MAN
Name’s Scond…

NOA
Scond, you’re going nowh-

MAN
Name’s Scond. Ab…scond. As in I’m absconding from you? It was a joke, my actual name’s Anis

READS FROM HER BLANK LOOK.

ANIS
I just made a little joke because I’m about to ‘abscond’.

READS FROM HER BLANK LOOK.

ANIS
Abscond means leave.

NOA
I know what abscond means, you idiot, how are you making jokes after what you’ve just done?

ANIS
Waaaa, weeeell just thought it’d lighten the situation, y’know, it is kinda harsh how I’m leaving you, we just had sex, but point t’is, I gotta go to work, they are waiting for me, and, yes I know how it looks, but I’m afraid I have to go

NOA
Excuse me, do you have any idea who I am?

ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO FEAR.

ANIS
Oh god, not another call girl, look, just because I’m a high ranking government official, trust me, the –

NOA
How dare you think I’m a call girl, just because you are ‘high wanking’

ANIS
Ah shit, sorry, I-

NOA
QUIET!

ANIS’ EXPRESSION CHANGES TO MILD ALARM AS NOA PRODUCES A GUN.

NOA
Not so talkative now, uh?

ANIS
Look, love, you think you’re the first girl to pull a gun on me?

NOA
You not interested why I’ve pulled a gun on you?

ANIS
Well if you wanted to tell me, I’m sure you’re about to.

NOA
You have no idea the world of shit you are in, right now, Sea-

ANIS MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT. HE STAMPS ON THE FLOORBOARD THEY ARE STANDING ON SO SHE IS JERKED UPWARDS. AT THE SAME TIME SHE FIRES THE GUN AT HIM, BUT HER AIM IS THROWN OFF TARGET BY THE MOVEMENT OF THE FLOORBOARD. THE BULLET MISSES ANIS AND SMASHES A MIRROR. BEFORE SHE HAS TIME TO EVEN REALISE WHAT HAS HAPPENED, ANIS IS WRESTLING THE GUN FROM HER. THEY BOTH HOLD ON TIGHT, AND IN THE STRUGGLE ANIS ENDS UP THROWING HER ONTO THE BED, CAUSING THEM TO BOTH LOSE THEIR GRIP ON THE GUN WHICH IS THROWN UPWARDS. THE BED LIFTS UP INTO THE WALL, CONVENIENTLY (COS IT’S ONE OF THOSE RANDOM WALL BEDS YOU ONLY SEE IN FILMS LIKE ROGER RABBIT AND THAT) AND NOA SCREAMS AS THE BED SPRINGS UP TO TRAP HER INSIDE THE WALL. ANIS WAS THROWN OFF BALANCE FROM THROWING HER ON THE BED AND HAS STAGGERED OVER AND SPINS ON HIS KNEE, CATCHING THE TOSSED GUN IN THE AIR AND FIRES THREE BULLETS INTO THE BED WALL THINGY CATHARTICALLY. ALL THIS TOOK UNDER TEN SECONDS.

ANIS
Once, twice, three times a lady…with a dry cool wit like that I could be an action hero.

ANIS CAUSUALLY BRUSHES SOME DIRT OFF HIS KNEE, TAKES APART THE GUN, POCKETS HIS PHONE AND LEAVES WITH HIS BRIEFCASE.

SCENE FIVE:

EXT. SWEDISH LOG CABIN - DAY

TRACK ANIS TO HIS BEAUTIFUL GREY ASTON MARTIN. HE OPENS THE DRIVER’S SIDE AND CHUCKS HIS BRIEFCASE HAPHAZARDLY ONTO THE PASSENGER SEAT. HE STARTS HIS CAR AND DRIVES OFF. CUE SEABOURNE THEME. AS HE’S DRIVING, HE SPOTS A RAPIDLY APPROACHING MOTORBIKE. HE FROWNS. IT GAINS ON HIM AND EVENTUALLY THE VEHICLES ARE SIDE BY SIDE. THE MOTORBIKE DRIVER’S HAIR BILLOWS OUT IN THE WIND. THE BIKER REMOVES THEIR HELMET. IT’S NOA.

ANIS
For crying out loud, I’m running late, let me go woman.

AS HIS WINDOWS ARE CLOSED AND THEY ARE DRIVING AT HIGH SPEED HE NEED NOT HAVE SAID THAT BECAUSE NOA WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HEAR HIM. ESPECIALLY NOT OVER THE LOUD DRAMATIC BRASS MUSIC THAT’S PLAYING ON THE SOUNDTRACK RIGHT NOW. NOA WAS UNABLE TO FIX THE GUN ANIS TOOK APART AT THE LOG CABIN, SO SHE RESORTS TO USING A FLAMETHROWER. SHE ENGULFS THE CAR IN FLAMES

ANIS
What the f…

ANIS BRAKES, THEN REVERSES. NOA HAS TO TURN THE BIKE AROUND. SHE WATCHES BEMUSED AS HE REVERSES 100 METRES AND STOPS. SHE REVS THE BIKE. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON HIS BACK WHEEL AS IT SUDDENLY SPINS. A FEW SECONDS LATER THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD AND KEEPS GOING. WE HAVE AN EXTREME CLOSE UP ON NOA’ BIKE’S BACK WHEEL. SHE ACCELERATES FORWARD. THEY ARE BOTH HEADING FOR EACH OTHER.

ANIS
Come on, come on hit me!

WE HAVE AN OVERHEAD AS THEY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER. NOA TRIES TO BAIL FROM THE BIKE, BUT MISJUDGES HER TIMING AND SHE LANDS ON ANIS’ FLAMING CAR. SHE SCREAMS IN PAIN FROM THE BLAZING HEAT AND ANGRILY TRIES TO BATTER HER WAY INTO THE CAR. ANIS SWERVES AND THEN PULLS DOWN THE HAND BRAKE CAUSING NOA TO BE THROWN FULLY OFF THE CAR AND INTO A TREE, THE IMPACT OF WHICH KILLS HER.

ANIS
“‘Once, twice, TREE times a lady’ Anis quipped.” Gosh I wish someone could have heard that…when else could anyone have possibly made a pun like that work, she was a lady, got killed by a tree, took me two tries to kill her...maybe I should have made a joke along the lines that her bark was worse than her bite…because trees have bark…well heheh, I don’t ARBOR any grudge against her, I was TREESED to meet her and now I have to LEAF…wait, who am I talking to?

ANIS FROWNS AS HE SEES NOA GET UP.

ANIS
What the hell, you’re unarmed, why didn’t you just act dead, I was about to leave.

AS SHE FLEW A LONG DISTANCE AND ANIS’ CAR HAS A LOT OF DEFENSES, NOA CAN’T HEAR WHAT ANIS IS SAYING. NOA TAKES OFF HER MOTORCYCLE JACKET AND STAGGERS OVER TO ANIS’ CAR, WHERE THE FLAMES HAVE MOSTLY DIED DOWN. ANIS WATCHES HER APPROACH CURIOUSLY. NOA GETS OVER TO THE CAR AND MOTIONS FOR ANIS TO ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW. ANIS GRUDGINGLY DOES SO. HE IMMEDIATELY REGRETS THIS AS NOA THROWS A GRENADE INSIDE.

ANIS
Ah shit, what the hell!

ANIS ACTS FAST. HE STARTS THE CAR, WHICH MAKES NOA LAUGH. HE SPEEDS OFF, BUT FLICKS A SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD. WE SEE SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE SHOOT OUT OF THE CAR’S SIDE. HE GRABS THE BRIEFCASE AND OPENS THE CAR DOOR SLIGHTLY. HE FLICKS ANOTHER SMALL SWITCH ON THE DASHBOARD CAUSING THE CAR TO CONTINUE DRIVING FORWARD. HE DIVES OUT OF THE CAR DIRTYING HIS JACKET. WE CUT TO NOA WHO NOTICES SOMETHING SILVER ON A WIRE ATTACHED TO HER FLIES. AFTER SHE FOLLOWS THE PATH OF THE WIRE WITH HER EYES, IT DAWNS ON HER THAT IT IS THE GRAPPLING HOOK FROM A WIRE PITON SHOT FROM THE ASTON MARTIN. SHE SQUEALS AS THE CAR DRAGS HER ALONG THE GRAVEL INTO THE WOODED AREA WHERE ANIS JUMPED OUT, ONLY TO FIND HERSELF GETTING PULLED OFF A CLIFF. SHE SEES THE CAR FALLING TO THE BOTTOM AS SHE SAILS HORRIFIED INTO THE ABYSS. THE CAR EXPLODES JUST BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND, THE GRENADE FINALLY HAVING GONE OFF. SHE FALLS SCREAMING INTO THE FIREBALL AND HOPEFULLY DIES.

ANIS GETS TO THE CLIFF EDGE AND THINKS A GOOD LINE WOULD BE

ANIS
Third time’s a charm…oh, no wait, even better: third time’s a HARM…Ah that was just awesome.

IT DAWNS ON HIM THAT HE HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE, AND HE’S ALREADY RUNNING LATE.

CUT TO ANIS MISERABLY FEELING OVERDRESSED AS HE HITCHES A LIFT WITH A BUNCH OF IMMIGRANTS IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK WITH RANDOM CHICKENS CLUCKING, LOOKING FAIRLY RIDICULOUS IN HIS TUXEDO WITH THE ALL THE RAGGED PEOPLE.

WE NOW GO TO AN ELABORATE OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE WHERE SILHOUETTES CANOODLE TO A POWER BALLAD WITH SLIGHTLY OUT OF PLACE TRUMPETS WHICH GOES:

SHIBBOLETH!
THE TITLE’S REALLY VAGUE
SHIBBOLETH!
DOESN’T STAR DANIEL CRAIG

THE WORLD IS JUST LEARNING
AND ONLY HE CAN SAVE IT
FROM ITS EARLY BURNING
BY THE MOST EVIL DAVID

SHIBBOLETH!
ACTION FILM FEATURING GAP STAFF
SHIBBOLETH!
THE AUTHOR WANTS YOU TO LAUGH

IF YOU ARE FACING DEATH
AND HAVE NO HOPE LEFT
SEABOURNE WILL RESCUE
THOSE WITH OPTIONS BEREFT
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE IMPRESSED
’CAUSE HE’S SIMPLY THE BEST
I‘M ACTUALLY QUITE OBSESSED
THAT’S IT, I’VE CONFESSED
WE’RE SO LUCKY TO BE BLESSED
WITH SUCH A MAN OF INTEREST
BUT I HAVE DIGRESSED
BECAUSE EVEN HE CANNOT JEST
AT HIS MOST GRUESOME TEST
WILL HE DIE AT THE HANDS OF SHIBBOLETH?

SHIBBOLETH!
SHIBBOLETH!!!
SHIIIIB…
…BOOO…
…LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH!!!!!!!

Starring:

Carlos Bernard as Anis Seabourne
Eugene Levy as Matt McLeron
Cameron Diaz as Lauren Ordresveyoo
Alan Dale as David Thornevil
Milo Ventiglima as Oscar Mingetease
Blake Lively as Isis Connollyngus
Sandra Bullock as Atia Shahft
Chi McBride as Blake Leator
Mark Ruffalo as Khusty
Megan Fox as Shafa Cakes
Naveen Andrews as Hamza McCainsh
Halle Berry as Doreen Lopez
Richard Ayoade as Reverend Ramsey Hassan
Lily Allen as Marigold (or M)
Denzel Washington as Tobe (or T)
Jojo as Delicia
Michael Jackson as Farhad
Matt Dillon as Phil
Rachel Bilson as Joey
Chris Rock as Martin
Jessica Biel as Dominik
Dita Von Teese as Noa
Leighton Meester as Ana
Steve Buscemi as Pardeep (or Waste Man)
Frank Bruno as Loic (or Hench Man)
Holly Willoughby as Nicola
Bonnie Hunt as Margaret
Alexis Bledel as Emma
Morgan Freeman as Lawratu
Pam Ferris as Karen

Story by Matt McLeron and Lauren Austin Harvey

Screenplay by Matt McLeron

Script Supervisor Clemmie Taylor

SCENE SIX:

EXT. GA943 - DAY

WE ARE IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE, WHERE AN EXTRAORDINARILY MEDIOCRE RETAIL STORE IS SITUATED UNDERNEATH A TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT ORGANISATION WHICH IS HOLDING A BARBECUE WITH ITS ENTIRE STAFF ASSEMBLED.

MANY SUITED MEN AND WOMEN ARE MINGLING, HOLDING CHAMPAGNE IN WINE GLASSES. HOWEVER, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT ORGANISATION YOU WORK FOR, WHENEVER THERE’S A BARBECUE, YOU’RE GIVEN SHODDY PAPER PLATES TO EAT OFF WHICH TYPICALLY GET BLOWN AWAY ONTO OTHER PEOPLE’S GARDENS SLASH FACES.

THE CAMERA MOVES THROUGH MANY AGENTS, STOPPING ON ANIS WHO IS TALKING TO DELICIA.

DELICIA
M’s well angry you were late.

ANIS
Ah, what ya gonna do, my car fell off a cliff and exploded: I have some limits to my punctuality.

DELICIA
Well there’s always some excuse, they are getting tired of it.

ANIS
Right, whatever.

AGENT FARHAD COMES OVER TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION.

FARHAD
Look out, dude, M’s really spitting to kick your ass.

ANIS
So I’ve heard.

AGENT OSCAR JOINS THEM.

OSCAR
T’s annoyed with you.

ANIS
Ugh, what now?

OSCAR
You smashed up the Aston Martin, he’s gonna kill you.

FARHAD
M’s pissed at him too.

OSCAR
I know, I know, you know what it is? He’s too wasteful.

ANIS
Can we discuss my shortcomings later? I actually came to have a good time, not get picked apart and criticised.

OSCAR
I don’t think you’re going to have a good time today.

ANIS
Why’s that?

OSCAR
Look who just got here.

THEY POINT TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE. A WIRY MAN ENTERS WITH AN EYE-CATCHING WOMAN

ANIS
Oh, maaan, why’s Joey here?
FARHAD
She’s in accounting, all the beanspoons were invited.

AGENT NICOLA COMES OVER.

NICOLA
Don’t know if you just noticed, but…

ANIS
I noticed.

NICOLA
You don’t know what I was going to say yet!

ANIS
Did it happen to be that Joey just walked in?

PAUSE.

NICOLA
No, I was wondering if you had noticed…how Khus has been missing for 8 years.

PAUSE AS ANIS ABSORBS THIS.

ANIS
You are asking me if I had just noticed my ex partner died 8 years ago?

NICOLA
I wouldn’t say he’s dead, they never found his body.

ANIS
So your question is, did I just notice Khus hasn’t been seen for 8 years?

NICOLA
Uh huh.

ANIS
Unsubtly foreshadowing as your question was, the answer is no, I knew first hand having been the last person who saw him alive

AWKWARD PAUSE.

ANIS
Get outta here, Nicola.

NICOLA LEAVES AND ANIS TRIES TO ACT INCONSPICUOUS, SUSPICIOUSLY OVERDOING IT, AS HE IS A BLOODY SECRET AGENT, YOU’D THINK HE’D BE QUITE GOOD. ANYWAY HE FAILS AND IS ACCOSTED BY HIS EX GIRLFRIEND.

JOEY
Hello, Anis.

ANIS (OVERDOING TRYING TO APPEAR RELAXED)
Hey.

JOEY
This is Phil.

PHIL IS GRINNING.

PHIL
Alright?

ANIS
Alright…you alright?

PHIL
Feeling a little ‘shagged out’ I am, Joey’s a right bloody horse in bed, how did you keep up with her, she’s a fucking shag stallion, well I should say mare, really, every fucking animal on Old MacDonald’s farm in actual fact, ah god I bought us a jumbo bumper family pack of condoms - already been used up, it’s like ‘oo can I not be shagging you, Joey, for just one minute? I’ve gotta go to work, love’ fucking women eh? Still, you’re a secret agent, I bet you’re one of those knobs who wastes a guy and gives it some stupid one liner, I bet if you killed someone by dropping a pig or something on their head you’d say something like ‘oo that’s for telling porkies’ yeah I bet you’re one of them aren’t you, but I tell you this, I fucking hate people who make those kind of bad jokes, with puns, I just want to PUNch them, eh? EH? PUN…ch them…for PUNNING yeah they should get roasted alive and trampled by sheep, I’m mentioning animals a lot, I don’t know why, probably because Joey’s an animal in bed, eh, anyway, what was your question?

ANIS (TAKEN ABACK)
If you were alright.

PHIL
Me? Yeah I’m bloody marvellous, still, I do feel a little shagged out to be honest old Joey’s been giving it the old…

ANIS (TALKING OVER HIM)
You dumped me, for him? I thought you only liked Bengali boys?

JOEY
Well, once you go white, you realise you were wrong.

ANIS (NOT AT ALL AMUSED)
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

JOEY
Well, if you had committed yourself to being with me, things might have been different. You’re nothing to me now, it’s like those 8 years never happened.

ANIS
Yeah, 8 years, Joey, that’s like a marriage anyway…you can’t just…sweep that under the carpet.

PHIL
What carpet? Are we talking about her muffborough?

JOEY
Yeah 8 years, Anis, 8 years of the same old shit, another year goes by, all I got out of it was a new clock.

PHIL
A what?

JOEY
A clock, every year he’d buy a clock for our anniversary, to show that ‘we had all the time in the world’

ANIS
It’s from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, George Lazenby, when he marries Diana Rigg.

JOEY
Forget it, Anis. We were just very different people, and I have Phil now.

PHIL
Heh!

ANIS
Well, thanks for making this easy…

JOEY
Move on, Anis.

ANIS
I’m not saying I haven’t moved on, I just can’t believe you’d…

MOTIONS TOWARDS PHIL.

ANIS
Maybe I should transfer…to Wandsworth Branch

PHIL
Only losers whine about transferring, winners get to go home and fuck the prom queen.

ANIS
Joey WAS the prom queen.

PHIL
Well, what does that make me, mate?

WINKS AND STICKS TONGUE OUT. ANIS BLINKS AND SHAKES THAT OFF.

PHIL
So you got a new clock for your house every anniversary you two had? What happened to all of them?

JOEY
We split them up and both got four each.

PHIL
Four each, eh? Good FOR EACH…of you!

ANIS DOESN’T SO MUCH LAUGH AT THIS WHOLE HEARTEDLY CRAP PUN AS NOT LAUGH. JOEY HOWEVER GIGGLES AND SAYS

JOEY
You’re soooo funny!

MATT ENTERS AND PULLS ANIS AWAY SAYING

MATT
Love him or loathe him, you’d be mad not to loathe him.

ANIS REACTS IN BLESSED RELIEF TO SEE MATT.

ANIS
Matt! How’s early retirement treating you!

MATT
What an oddly expositionally clunky sentence.

ANIS
Expositionally isn’t a word.

TENSE PAUSE AS THEY BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER TRYING TO INTIMIDATE THE OTHER.

HOLD FOR FIVE SECONDS.

THEY BREAK INTO LAUGHTER.

MATT AND ANIS
Aaaaaaaaah!

MATT
So how are you?

ANIS
Fine, things are going pretty well.

THERE IS A SUDDEN SHOUT.

M
Agent Anis Seabourne! Just! Just what have you been up to? Destroying the Aston Martin? Disobeying a direct call in? I was going to give you an incredibly important case but you just had to fuck it up. Just wait til Monday, we are going to have a long talk in my office, shit for brains.

ANIS
Oh shit.

M
And T wants to have words as well.

ANIS
Look, just tell me what the missions about, I’ll do it fine.

M
Ha! Someone stole the Shibboleth device using a couple of green sticky bombs from Poland and to think I was going to put you on it…after the disregard you’ve shown?

ANIS
Jesus, M, I tell you I had no choice, an assassin put a grenade in my car.

M
So you drove it off a cliff?

ANIS
So no property got hurt!

M (SARKY)
Well that shut me up.

ANIS
I think I better mosey.

MATT
Yeah, lets.

M
Matt! I haven’t seen you since you aced the Clem Taylor mission and got yourself early retirement. How’ve you been doing?

MATT
Well, assassinating the female President of France was no easy job, I’ve just been dining, relaxing, and writing my memoirs.

M
Memoirs? You do realise anything revealed about us or any mission you were on will be considered treason and I’d have to behead you.

MATT
I’ll put it on the web and publish it under a fake name so you can’t pin anything on me.

M
Well good luck with that…such a nerd, putting stuff on the net.

MATT
Umm, I’m an ex secret agent, who has been set for life because he killed President Taylor and saved the free world, and STILL I get this image of being a nerd. I think it’s the glasses.

MATT TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND PUTS THEM ON TOP OF THE TABLE. HE PLACES THEM ON TOP OF A MAGAZINE.

MATT
See how different and awesome I look now?

ANIS STARES AT THE MAGAZINE COVER.

ANIS
Who’s that?

M AND MATT LOOK AT THE MAGAZINE. MATT PUTS GLASSES BACK ON.

M
That’s David Thornevil, another careless billionaire.

ANIS
Well, in this line of business, a careless billionaire is always a baddie.

MATT
Innit.

ANIS
Look, he’s got an eye-patch, has anyone decent ever worn an eye-patch ever? If they’ve got an eye-patch, they’re a definite baddie.

M
Riiiiiight.

MATT
And look, his name has the word ‘evil’ in it. Erm ever heard of Cruella De Vil? Evil was in her name, definite baddie.

M
He’s just an oil tycoon. We’ve been keeping tabs to make sure he’s on the books, Farhad and Oscar have been looking into it.

ANIS
Maybe you should delve deeper into him.

M
Oh I’m delving deep alright…into you. Don’t forget, Monday.

M LEAVES.

SCENE SEVEN:

EXT. GA943 - DAY

IT’S SOME TIME LATER.

PHIL
Yeah, well, the nineties were to the eighties what the seventies were to the sixties, soo…

PHIL IS NOW CUT OFF FROM THIS MADDENINGLY WANKERISH STATEMENT BECAUSE THE ASSEMBLED PARTY ARE TAPPING THEIR GLASSES AND SHOUTING ‘SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!’ M IS ALSO TAPPING HER GLASS AND SHOUTING FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE A SPEECH, BEFORE REALISING EVERYONE HAD WANTED HER TO MAKE ONE.

A STAGE HAS BEEN ERECTED AND M STANDS ON IT.

M
I’m not exactly sure what you wanted me to make a speech about, it’s another year gone by, another...

WE GO TO MATT AND ANIS WHISPERING DURING THE SPEECH.

MATT
So what gadgets has T hooked you up with?

ANIS
You’re going to love this, check this out.

ANIS TAKES OFF HIS SHOE AND SHOWS IT TO MATT.

ANIS
This shoe has an awesome feature, see a combination lock on the front of the heel? When its unlocked, it releases a grenade.

MATT
Whoar, that could be useful.

AGENT KASIA SHUSHES THEM.

ANIS
We better look like we’re paying attention to M’s speech…wait what’s that?

MATT
What?

ANIS
Why are there oil drums under the stage?

MATT
What the fuck??

ANIS
Oh shit…

MATT
Yep I see it too, the green glow…sticky bomb?

ANIS
There’s no time!

ANIS RUNS YELLING TO THE STAGE WITH ONLY ONE SHOE, BUT HE IS TOO LATE.

PHIL
See what I don’t get is that they imprison Muslim clerics for inciting racial violence, yet they give awards to Lord of the Rings. I mean Black Riders…what about Balrogs? Why don’t they just call them Gollywogs and have done with it? Tolkein stole all his ideas from African myth…

PHIL’S WANKERISH PONTIFICATION DURING M’S SPEECH IS INTERRUPTED BY THE BOMB GOING OFF AND M’S SUBSEQUENT IMMEDIATE DEPARTURE FROM LIFE. THE EXPLOSION IS TREMULOUS – LIKE, FELT IN JAPAN TWO HOURS LATER. EVERY AGENT IN THE FIRST ROW IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES. WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE STANDING ALIVE. ANIS IS ON FIRE. HE PUTS HIMSELF OUT AND RUNS UP TO THE STAGE. MATT IS UNSCATHED AND SHOUTS FOR ANIS.

TO THE SHOCK OF EVERYONE, A MILITARY POSSE CHARGE INTO THE BARBECUE OF FLAMING PEOPLE. HEH, IRONY. THEY BEGIN TO MACHINE GUN THE ASSEMBLED AGENTS. CHAOS AND SCREAMS ENSUE. LUCKILY, A YOUNG FEMALE AGENT VITORINO HAS A GRENADE, WHICH SHE THROWS AT THE POSSE. DUE TO THEIR MACHINE GUN FIRE THEY DO NOT NOTICE THE GRENADE LAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM. THEY KILL SEVERAL AGENTS BEFORE LUCKILY BEING BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS BY THE SINGLE GRENADE. THUS FOLLOWS A MAHOOSIVE EXPLOSION AS ALL OF THE GUN MEN HAD A STICKY BOMB ON THEM.

NOW ONLY TEN PEOPLE ARE LEFT STANDING ALIVE, INCLUDING MATT AND ANIS. MATT IS STUNNED, ANIS IS TRYING TO GET BACK ON HIS FEET. A BEARDED AGENT HAMZA IS TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THE SITUATION.

HAMZA
Doreen…

AGENT DOREEN LOOKS AT HIM IN SHOCK.

HAMZA
What was Anis shouting before the bomb blew up?

DOREEN
I don’t know, I…

HAMZA
He was running to the stage, and then all hell broke loose…there was a bomb under that stage…and…he knew.

DOREEN
We’re bringing him in.

THEY FIND SOME WEAPONS STREWN ON THE GROUND AND AIM THEIR GUNS AT ANIS.

ANIS IS STAGGERING OVER TO MATT.

ANIS
I was too late…I…

BANG! A SHOT GOES PAST HIS HEAD SO HE DROPS TO THE GROUND AND ROLLS.

MATT
We’re being shot at!!

HAMZA AND DOREEN CONTINUE FIRING AT THEM.

MATT
Shit, man we gotta get outta here, they think you did this!!

ANIS
Fuck!

THEY RUN CROUCHED OVER TO A RANDOM CAR. MATT BREAKS IN.

MATT
Get in!

ANIS
Hang on!

ANIS EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO CLAMBER INTO THE DRIVING SEAT AND START THE CAR.

HAMZA
Fuck, he’s getting away!

DOREEN REACTS FRANTICALLY.

HAMZA
Quick, the car!

THEY SPRINT OVER TO ANOTHER CAR AND START THE ENGINE.

SCENE EIGHT:

EXT. KNIGHTSBRIDGE STREETS - DAY

WE’RE BACK IN ANIS’ CAR. ANIS IS DRIVING FAST AND MATT HAS THE ONLY WEAPON BETWEEN THEM. THEY ZOOM UP BROMPTON ROAD.

MATT
Break right!

ANIS SWERVES RIGHT BEFORE HARROD’S WITH DEFT EXPERT PRECISION.

MATT
That’s it, down the back roads of Harrods, we should lose them.

ANIS
Aw, shit! They’re behind us!

MATT
Ah, bollocks! Go straight onto Sloane Street.

ANIS DOES. HE WEAVES THROUGH THE SLOW MOVING CARS, BUT DOES NOT LOSE HAMZA AND DOREEN.

IN THEIR CAR:

DOREEN
Don’t lose them, Hamza,

HAMZA
Use your gun, dammit, woman!

DOREEN
Ah, alright, ok!

DOREEN POPS HER HEAD AND ARM OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND STARTS SHOOTING.

MATT RETURNS THE FIRE, BUT DOES NOT WISH TO HARM THEM. ANIS GETS TO SLOANE SQUARE.

MATT
Left! Left! Left!

ANIS STEERS LEFT, BUT SWERVES SO HARD HE GOES INTO A 360 SLIDE.

ANIS
Shit-shit-shit-shit!

MATT
SH-SH-SH-SH-SH!

ANIS
Shou-shou-shou-shou-

MATT
Shhhhhhhh

ANIS
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

MATT
Turn left, fuck’s sake!

ANIS MANAGES TO MANOEUVRE THE CAR DOWN THE ROAD WHICH MATT POINTED OUT. MATT FIRES OFF A FEW SHOTS TO DAMAGE HAMZA’S FOLLOWING CAR. DOREEN LETS OFF A SHOT WHICH SMASHES THE PASSENGER MIRROR.

MATT
Whooooar!

SUDDENLY MATT’S HEAD CLUNKS ONTO THE CEILING OF THE CAR.

MATT
Fucking speed bumps!

ANIS
Sit tight, these go on for ages!

MATT
Fuck’s sake!

THEY BOTH BOUNCE UP AND DOWN REPEATEDLY HITTING THEIR HEADS ON THE CEILING. THEY BOTH WINCE IN UNISON.

MATT
Wait, I got an idea!

ANIS
What do you mean, ‘wait’? Wait for what? I’m not stopping this car, if that’s what you’re asking.

MATT UNDOES HIS SEATBELT AND FEARLESSLY HURLS HALF HIS BODY OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW.

ANIS
What are you doing, you crazy bastard?

MATT
Just keep going straight!

DOREEN TRIES TO KILL MATT BUT AS HAMZA IS DRIVING DOWN THIS SPEEDBUMPED ROAD ALL HER SHOTS GO WIDE BECAUSE THEY TOO ARE ALSO BOUNCING UP AND DOWN.

MATT STRETCHES OUT HIS ARMS. FOR SOME REASON THERE IS A WOODEN CART HOLDING THOUSANDS OF FRUIT. AS MATT IS DRIVEN PAST IT, HE TAKES OUT A VITAL SUPPORT OF THE FRUIT CART CAUSING THE ENTIRE STALL TO FALL BACKWARDS INTO THE ROAD SENDING THOUSANDS OF APPLES, ORANGES, LYCHEES, PINEAPPLES, WATERMELONS, AND MANY OTHER FRUITS INTO THE AIR, SO THEY LAND ON HAMZA’S CAR.

MATT THROWS UP HIS FIST IN TRIUMPH.

MATT
Eat fruit! LITERALLY! Contribute to your 5 a day

ANIS
You know, perhaps we should stop trying to make a killer gag each time we do something successful, oh wait hang on look at that, they’re still chasing us.

I WOULD HARDLY CONSIDER THAT A KILLER GAG.

THE COLLAPSING FRUIT CART HAS DONE NOTHING TO SLOW DOWN HAMZA’S CAR AND THEY ARE STILL FOLLOWING THEM.

MATT
Whaaaaat?

ANIS
THAT was your idea? Stopping them with fruit? They’re in a car, you moron!

AMIDST THE SPLATTERED FRUIT STANDS THE MUSTASCHIOED ARAB CART OWNER, WHO LOOKS LIKE BORAT. HE SHAKES HIS FIST ANGRILY AFTER THE CARS, SCOWLING AND CURSING.

IN HAMZA’S CAR, THE WINDSCREEN IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE THROUGH, SO NOW BOTH OF THEM HAVE TO STICK THEIR HEADS OUT OF THE MOVING CAR.

HAMZA
Shoot ’em!

IN ANIS’ CAR

MATT
Do a right here,

ANIS
Where we going?

THE CAR SCREECHES ONTO A MAIN ROAD

MATT
Go down the stairs!

ANIS
That’s the tube station!

MATT
DO IT!

ANIS
You crazy little…AAAAH!

ANIS STEERS LEFT SO HE POPS DOWN INTO THE UNDERGROUND.

HAMZA’S CAR POPS OUT OF THE STREET AND STOPS.

HAMZA, WITH HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW, LOOKS ROUND FRANTICALLY FOR ANIS’ CAR.

SEVERAL PEOPLE SCREAM COMING OUT OF THE UNDERGROUND. HAMZA IS CONFUSED.

ANIS’S CAR IS IN THE TUBE STATION. ANIS IS POUNDING ON HIS HORN, AND DOING 50MPH. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND DIVE TO AVOID THE CAR.

BACK TO HAMZA LOOKING CONFUSED AT THE SCREAMING PEOPLE COMING FROM THE UNDERGROUND STATION. A LOOK OF REALISATION COMES ON HIS FACE.

HAMZA
Oh no they didn’t…

BACK IN VICTORIA TUBE STATION. CAR IS SPEEDING WILDLY, WEAVING FRANTICALLY THROUGH THE CROWD.

MATT
Alright now up these stairs

BACK TO HAMZA.

HAMZA
Doreen, they’ve driven into the underground, we have to…

DOREEN
Oh my god, look behind you!

HAMZA TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE PUSHING AND RUNNING OUT OF THE TUBE STATION ENTRANCE NEAREST TO VICTORIA TRAIN STATION. SUDDENLY TO EVERYONE’S DISBELIEF ANIS’ CAR FLIES UP INTO THE AIR FROM THE STATION, THE STAIRS LEADING OUT HAVING BEEN USED AS A RAMP. WE GET A SHOT OF A MAN IN SOME STUPID BUNNY COSTUME HANDING OUT FLYERS IN FRONT OF THE STATION JUST TAKE THIS IN AS THE CAR FLIES OVER HIS HEAD. HE DROPS HIS STACK OF FLYERS. THE CAR SAILS MAGNIFICENTLY THROUGH THE AIR IN SLOW MOTION AND CRASHES INTO THE ARCHITECTURE OF THE STATION. WE GET A REACTION SHOT OF TRAVELLERS INSIDE VICTORIA STATION OBSERVING THE CAR BURST THROUGH THE WALL FIFTEEN FEET ABOVE THEM. THE CAR IS SUSPENDED IN THE WALL, HALF ON THE INSIDE, HALF ON THE OUTSIDE.

SCENE NINE:

INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY

INSIDE THE CAR.

MATT
Alright, what should we do now?

ANIS
We need to get the fuck out of here!

MATT
Feel like taking the train?

ANIS SMILES.

ANIS
Now that’s more like it, Mr McLeron

MATT
It’s a pleasure to be back, Mr Seabourne

MATT LOOKS OUT OF THE BACK WINDOW.

MATT
Dude, Hamza and Doreen are still after us.

THEY ARE.

ANIS
You’re plan to lose them went a bit sideways.

MATT
Enh, what we gonna do about them?

ANIS
Let’s split up, we need to be on…

SCANS TRAIN TIMES ON BIG BOARD IN CENTRE OF THE STATION

MATT
Platform sixteen, it’s going to Croydon, I know a place where we can lay low.

ANIS
Right, sixteen it is, then.

MATT
You got a gun?

ANIS
Nope.

MATT
Here, have this.

ANIS CHECKS OUT MATT’S GUN.

ANIS
No bullets left…

MATT
I know, let’s hope you won’t have to fire it.

ANIS
Alright, let’s mosey.

MATT
Yes, let’s get a wriggle on.

THEY BOTH GET OUT OF THE CAR AND JUMP DOWN TO THE GROUND, THEIR MOVEMENTS FOLLOWED BY THE EYES OF HUNDREDS OF PUZZLED COMMUTERS.

MATT
Good luck, Anis!

SUDDENLY

HAMZA
FREEEEZE!

HAMZA AND DOREEN ARE STANDING BEHIND THEM, ABOUT TEN METRES AWAY, GUNS POINTING TOWARDS THE DUO.

MATT AND ANIS TURN AND LOOK AT THEM. THEN THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEN THEY BOTH RUN IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.

HAMZA
Fucking…Ugh!

HE SHOOTS AFTER THEM.

HAMZA (TO DOREEN)
You take Matt, I’ll get Anis.

MATT HAS GONE EAST TOWARDS WHSMITHS. DOREEN CHASES AFTER HIM AND FIRES. COMMUTERS SCREAM AND IN BLIND PANIC EITHER GET IN BOTH OF THEIR WAYS OR DROP TO THE GROUND. MATT IS FORCED TO TAKE THE ESCALATOR UP. HE CROUCHES DOWN SO HE CAN’T BE VISIBLE OVER THE BANNISTERS. AS HE GETS TO THE TOP OF THE ESCALATOR, DOREEN REACHES THE ESCALATOR AND SHOOTS UP AT HIM.

MATT
Ah fuck!

HE CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED, AND PASSES A TRAMP BEGGING. MATT HAS AN IDEA AND REACHES INTO HIS POCKET FOR SOME CHANGE. HE THROWS DOWN CASH ON THE FLOOR AND CARRIES ON RUNNING CROUCHED. THE TRAMP MOANS AND CRAWLS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES TO GET THE CHANGE. DOREEN RUNS ENERGETICALLY OFF THE ESCALATOR AND IMMEDIATELY TRIPS OVER THE CRAWLING TRAMP AND LANDS SOME METRES AWAY ON HER FACE, GUN SCATERRING, AMMO SPILLING. WE GET A SHOT OF MATT’S FACE AS HE’S RUNNING AND HIS GRIN AS HE HEARS DOREEN’S YELP BEHIND HIM. HE KEEPS RUNNING, NOT LOOKING BACK, AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND TO AVOID A STALL IN HIS PATH. HIS MOMENTUM CARRIES HIM SLIDING ON HIS BACK UNDER THE STALL AND AS SOON AS HE PASSES UNDER IT, HE LEAPS BACK UP AND JUMPS HEADLONG THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW AND LANDS IN A FORWARD ROLL ON THE FLOOR BELOW ON PLATFORM SIXTEEN, CHEST HEAVING, AND PICKING THE GLASS FROM HIS HANDS.

MATT
Alright, Anis, where are you, dude?

SCENE TEN:

INT. VICTORIA STATION - DAY

ANIS IS RUNNING AWAY FROM HAMZA. ANIS IS RUNNING TO THE WEST SIDE OF THE STATION WHERE THEY HAVE A SUPERDRUG AND STARBUCKS.

ANIS
Shit!

HAMZA IS SHOOTING AT ANIS.

COMMUTERS SCREAM.

ANIS RUNS INTO SUPERDRUG AND WITH A WINK STEALS SHAMPOO OUT OF THE HANDS OF AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE EMPLOYEE CALLED BIANCA THEN RUNS OUT GRABBING A LIGHTER AND DEODORANT.

WE CUT BACK TO BIANCA, SWOONING OVER ANIS’ HANDSOME ABILITY TO CHANNEL 007.

THE MANAGER SHOUTS AFTER HIM BUT ANIS IS OUTTA THERE. HAMZA RUNS INTO THE STORE HURRIEDLY, GUN DRAWN. THE MANAGER SOBS PATHETICALLY.

ANIS IS OUTSIDE SQUEEZING OUT THE ENTIRE SHAMPOO BOTTLE. HAMZA SPEEDS OUT OF THE STORE AND LOSES HIS BALANCE ON THE SHAMPOO. HIS LEGS KICK OUT WILDLY AND HE FLAILS HIS ARMS TO KEEP BALANCE. ANIS LOBS THE EMPTY SHAMPOO BOTTLE AT HAMZA’S HEAD SO HE LOSES HIS BALANCE. HAMZA FALLS OVER. ANIS RUNS AWAY, BUT HAMZA IS GETTING UP AFTER HIM. HAMZA CATCHES UP WITH ANIS AND THROWS HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW OF STARBUCKS.

ANIS
ARGH! Dude, I’ve only got one shoe on: there’s glass! I could cut my feet, you over-zealous twat!

ANIS GETS UP AND THROWS SYRUP BOTTLES AT HAMZA WHILE COFFEE DRINKERS WATCH AMUSED. MANAGEMENT ISN’T SO HAPPY AND CALLS THE POLICE. HAMZA GETS CLOSE ENOUGH TO ANIS TO PUNCH HIM IN THE CHEST. ANIS GOES DOWN BUT SCRABBLES UNDER A TABLE. HAMZA MAKES HIS WAY TO THE TABLE. ANIS IS CROUCHED UNDER AND LIFTS THE TABLE INTO HAMZA’S FACE KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND, TRAPPING HIM UNDER THE TABLE. HAMZA SNARLS ANGRILY AND TRIES TO EXTRICATE HIMSELF, AND EVENTUALLY ANIS IS FORCED OVER AND HAMZA FREES HIMSELF. ANIS TRIES GOING FOR HAMZA’S GUN ON THE GROUND, BUT IS BATTED IN THE FACE BY A FORCEFULLY SWUNG STOOL. ANIS FALLS TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING HIS FACE, AND HAMZA TRAPS ANIS UNDER THE STOOL.

ANIS
Ah, ow, man!

HAMZA
You fucking nutcase! I’m bringing you in, for conspiracy to destroy GA943!

ANIS
It wasn’t me! I’ve been set up! I was trying to stop the bomb from going off!

HAMZA
And the armed men who shot everyone apart from you? Just lucky were you? We’re all dead, Nicola, Joey, Farhad, M, Delicia, they are all dead!

ANIS
Farhad and Oscar were investigating into David Thornevil, he’s into oil, the same oil used with the sticky bombs used to blow up the barbecue, the same sticky bombs, I might add, that were used to steal the Shibboleth device, the same sticky bombs that all the armed gunmen were carrying, it’s plain to see, this is all connected! I’ve been set up!

HAMZA
You’re coming back with us. Division are sending some people along to clean up this mess, it’s on dispatch.

ANIS
Who?

HAMZA
DICs Karen and Lawratu will be taking control over GA943 at least until this gets sorted out.

ANIS
I’m not coming back, especially if Karen and Lawratu are in charge. I need to clear my name. I’m on the team, I know as soon as I come with you, I’ll wake up in a cell, you need to let me go.

HAMZA
You need to come with us!

ANIS
Then I have no choice!

ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES.

HAMZA
Ow man, that burns! How was THAT even gonna work? That’s bloody deodorant, not pepper spray…ah!

HAMZA USES ONE HAND TO COVER ONE OF HIS STINGING EYES.

ANIS
Sorry, lighter didn’t go off.

ANIS SPRAYS DEODORANT INTO HAMZA’S EYES, BUT NOW THE LIGHTER GOES OFF AND HE SUCCESSFULLY FLAMBEES HAMZA’S FACE. HAMZA FALLS BACK AND CLUTCHES HIS GLOWING FACE.

ANIS
You thought it burned before? Heheh.

COFFEE DRINKER NAMED DANIEL
Erm…you just scarred a man for life…and you’re making bad jokes? Isn’t that sort of inappropriately glib?

ANIS
What if I had made a good joke?

DANIEL LOOKS THOUGHTFUL.

DANIEL
That could work

ANIS TAKES HAMZA’S GUN AND HURRIES TO THE TRAIN PLATFORMS. DOREEN SPOTS HIM FROM THE FLOOR ABOVE AND FIRES AT HIM.

ANIS JUMPS FROM THE SHOT AND RUNS FASTER, SWEARING.

HE SPIES MATT WAITING AT PLATFORM SIXTEEN. THE TRAIN IS ABOUT TO GO. MATT IS HOLDING THE DOOR DELAYING EVERYONE. SOME TRANSPORT FOR LONDON OFFICIALS ARE MAKING THEIR WAY TOWARDS HIM. ANIS SPEEDS UP TO THE TRAIN DOORS AND HOPS ON. MATT LETS GO OF THE DOORS AND THE TRAIN LEAVES BEFORE THE TRANSPORT OFFICIALS CAN STOP THEM. ON THE PLATFORM DOREEN LOOKS FRANTICALLY FOR THEM, NOT KNOWING WHERE THEY HAVE GONE. SHE GIVES UP AND CALLS IT IN.

SCENE ELEVEN:

INT. MATT’S CROYDON HIDEOUT. – NIGHT

DÉCOR IS MINIMAL TO REDUCE SHOOTING COSTS.

MATT AND ANIS ARE BOTH ON SEPARATE LAPTOPS SEARCHING THE INTERNET TO RESEARCH DAVID THORNEVIL.

MATT
Ah, the internet: the most overused Deus Ex Machina when it comes to plot progression from lazy screenwriting.

ANIS
Stop talking like that. It’s as bad as when characters in a movie say some shit like ‘Oh, it’s like we’ll be in a movie’

MATT
So no luck finding any dirt on David?

ANIS
You know what we need?

MATT
If you’re worried that we don’t have enough firepower, I’ve got a Walther P99 and a shotgun behind the fridge.

ANIS
Well that’s good, but no, I was first thinking that I need a shoe.

MATT LOOKS AT ANIS’ BARE FOOT AND LAUGHS.

MATT
Why did you leave it at the barbecue?

ANIS
The bomb, innit.

MATT
Alright, fine, but yeah what do we need now?

ANIS
I need to talk to T.

MATT
Do you think he’ll trust you?

ANIS
He has to, he must know who the bombs belong to, or at least he’ll know they have got nothing to do with me.

MATT
Well, why wouldn’t he say something? I know him, he’d speak out on something like this.

ANIS
Mate, things changed when you left.

MATT
How?

ANIS
It’s that Karen and Lawratu, they run it like Captain Bligh, they are Division squarejaws. They temporarily ran things when M was having her tooth unsnaggled. They’re a couple of powerhouses. Lawratu’s tough…and ruthless, Karen’s rough…and toothless.

MATT
Well re: T situation, you’re going out on a limb here, man, how are we going to contact him?

ANIS
I’ll think of something…let’s get something to eat.

MATT
What ya thinkin’, Maccy Ds?

ANIS
How about a bit o’ key-bab?

MATT
Sure, gimme a sec to get my jacket.

ANIS TURNS ON THE TV AND FLICKS THROUGH THE ADVERTS

TV
*bzzz* Making life taste better *bzzz* are you a homeowner *bzzz* waiting to die? Then call *bzzz* to me, Reverend Ramsey Hassan on 0980 24 *bzzz* rapid chat, a new way of servicing your needs *bzzz* daily express delivery! *bzzz* my name is judge *bzzz*

ANIS
Just adverts…

ANIS TURNS OFF TV AND PREPARES TO LEAVE. HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES HIS FEET.

ANIS
Matt!

MATT
What?

ANIS
Don’t worry about leaving, I only got one shoe.

MATT
Oh yeah, shame. Have to get a delivery

SCENE TWELVE:

INT. GA943 - NIGHT

AN IMPORTANT MEETING IS BEING HELD. KAREN AND LAWRATU, TWO IMPOSING WOMEN ARE HEADING UP THE TASK FORCE AND HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED BY DIVISION TO TAKE CONTROL OF EVERYBODY. THE REMAINING AGENTS OF GA943 LISTEN ATTENTIVELY.

KAREN
From now on, no one even blinks without my permission.

AGENT EMMA
Permission to blink, DCI Karen!

KAREN
Permission…denied.

LAWRATU
I want to know everything we can about Anis Seabourne.

KAREN
I want a list of all phone calls he’s made in the last twelve years.

LAWRATU
Cross check that with the phone calls of every known terrorist.

KAREN
I want bank accounts frozen.

LAWRATU
I want passports stopped.

KAREN
Thanks to information gathered from Hamza, we know that the story Anis’ll be pushing is that he’s been set up.

WE SEE HAMZA FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HIS RUN IN WITH THE LYNX CAN. HIS FACE IS COMPLETELY BURNT, EXCEPT AN UNSCATHED BIT IN THE MIDDLE IN A PERFECT OUTLINE OF HAMZA’S HAND.

LAWRATU
And by the way, sorry Hamza, you can’t go home, yes I know your face has been burnt off, but, as you can see, we’re a little understaffed.

HAMZA INSTINCTIVELY RUBS HIS HAND, WHICH IS JUST AS BURNT AS THE BURNS ON HIS FACE. IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS EVEN TO THOSE WHO CAN’T FOLLOW A LINEAR PLOT NARRATIVE THAT HAMZA COVERED HIS FACE WITH HIS HAND BEFORE GETTING SET ON FIRE, HENCE COOKED HAND AND BIZARRE LOOKING HANDPRINT OF CLARITY ON HIS FACE.

KAREN
No one leaves.

LAWRATU
Or thinks about leaving.

KAREN
Until we have Anis and his accomplice in a cell.

LAWRATU
Now we are going to be bringing in some of our own people, if you could place the passcodes to all files on our desks to allow our people to assess the situation as fast and as obliging as possible

READ OFF AGENT OSCAR’S UNEASY LOOK.

SCENE THIRTEEN:

INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT

SOME TIME LATER.

MATT
Mate, I’ve got it!

ANIS
Go on.

MATT
We use Wikipedia.

ANIS
How? What for?

MATT
To communicate with T! Trust me it’s quite a leap, but we’re losing nothing by trying, come on now.

ANIS
Knock yourself out.

MATT
Right, here’s what we do, we go to wiki, under GA943, go to the T page and leave him a message.

ANIS
Alright, fingers crossed.

MATT (TYPING AND READING)
‘T, we need to meet you, Seabourne’

ANIS
Good, but it’s a little obvious, how about we encode it. How many letters is that message?

MATT
25, perfect for a Caesar square code.

ANIS
Do it.

MATT ENCODES THE MESSAGE. THIS MEANS MAKING A 5 X 5 SQUARE WITH THE 25 LETTERS MAKING A SQUARE SO THE MESSAGE READS VERTICALLY. IT LOOKS LIKE:

T E E U O
W D E S U
E T T E R
N O Y A N
E M O B E

THEN MATT PLACES THE HORIZONTALLY READ MESSAGE ‘TEEUOWDESUETTERNOYANEMOBE’ ON THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE.

MATT
Done!

ANIS
Check my page, maybe someone’s had the same idea.

MATT
Checking…there’s nothing except…you went out with Joey for 8 years?

ANIS
THAT’S on there?

MATT
Yep…and you still wet the bed??

ANIS
Whaaaaat? That’s not on there, you’re lying.

ANIS HURRIES TO THE COMPUTER AND IS PROVED RIGHT.

ANIS
Yerafool!

MATT
Hey, I can easily edit this so it says you do.

ANIS
Wait, what’s that?

MATT
Where?

ANIS
‘Anis, I know who’s responsible for the attack, meet me Monday morning at Waterloo, Oscar’

MATT
Oscar?

ANIS
How did you miss that?

MATT
Oscar didn’t die in the explosion with everybody else?

ANIS
It would appear so.

MATT
What information could he have?

ANIS
He and Farhad were investigating David Thornevil, now Farhad is dead along with most of our agents, and I’ve been framed. I should go see him, I think he could be a help.

MATT
Oh my god, look, T’s already replied!

THE MESSAGE READS ‘AEWNIONTESNNIMSTEDSETEAAMAMRMYETINMT’

MATT
Right, 36 letters, makes a 6 by 6 square, just a few seconds…

HE MAKES THIS SQUARE

A E W N I O
N T E S N N
I M S T E D
S E T E A A
M A M R M Y
E T I N M T

HE WRITES THE VERTICAL MESSAGE OUT IN FULL. IT SAYS:
‘ANISMEETMEATWESTMINSTERNINEAMMONDAYT’

MATT
Anis, meet me at Westminster, nine a.m. Monday, T

ANIS
Excellent…I just hope he brings a shoe for my damn foot.

MATT
Shit, it’s all happening, innit?? Right I’ve had enough for one day, mate, I’m gonna sleep.

THEY SPUD GOOD NIGHT.

SCENE FOURTEEN:

INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT

ANIS CAN’T SLEEP. HE GOES INTO THE HALLWAY

ANIS
Why me…why me? I need a good…I need a good…other shoe.

ANIS STEALS MATT’S SLIPPERS AND GOES DOWNSTAIRS TO A BAR. A VAMPY AND IMPOSING YET ATTRACTIVE BLONDE GIRL SITS CONFIDENTLY NEXT TO HIM

GIRL
Buy me a drink?

ANIS
Not in the mood.

GIRL
You know, you look familiar.

ANIS MAKES A SLIGHT MOVEMENT TO TURN AWAY FROM HER, REJECTING HER.

GIRL
Your name’s Anis, right?

ANIS’ EYES GO ROUND. A LOUD NOTE PLAYS.

ANIS
Who are you?

GIRL
I’m Lauren.

STING OF MUSIC, FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE FIFTEEN:

OPEN UP FROM BLACK.

INT. A MODERN METALLIC OFFICE - NIGHT

THE CAMERA MOVES ONTO A BLACK GLOVE. THE FINGERS OF THE GLOVE EXTEND MENACINGLY TO A KEYBOARD AND FLICK SOME KEYS. DAVID THORNEVIL FLICKS UP ON THE MONITOR.

DAVID
The mole has been planted, sir.

MYSTERIOUS GLOVED PRESUMABLY MAN BECAUSE DAVID REFERRED TO HIM AS SIR
Gooood. Mooha…hmooha…Moohahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

END OF ACT ONE.

COME BACK HERE WEDNESDAY THE 3RD OF SEPTEMBER FOR THE SECOND PART OF THIS THREE PART ACTION FILM. WILL ANIS PREVAIL? WILL HE SEND THE BAD GUYS TO JAIL? OR WILL HE FAIL? HOPEFULLY I’LL LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.

Quantum of Solace review by McLeron

2008-11-02T18:28:00.004Z

Quantum of Solace and Gromit

Quantum of Solace in ten words or less: Bond is back to answer hanging questions from Casino Royale

The last real eagerly awaited film of 2008 falls short of expectations and attempts to ape the Bourne trilogy by having the action scenes tell a story. While the pacing of the film is totally engaging, the film is generally unsatisfying. The plot sees Bond trying to solve the identity of the villains who coerced dead ex-lover Vesper to betrayal. He comes across a secret organisation whose identity is thrown away rather glibly by the ominous Mr White (who was kneecapped by 007 in Casino Royale) and is led to pursue Dominic Greene, a weedy environmentalist who plans to profit from drying up water in the desert.

Generally what sets a Bond film apart from other action films are the gadgets, the car, and the little Bondian touches which give weight to the charisma of the lead, such as the scene in Casino Royale where Bond wins a knife struggle by using the old ‘Look over there’ fake out. The gadgets are still gone, gone is the car, and there are few Bond-esque moments in the film, although there is a very entertaining one with a motor bike.

The film tends to disregard Bond fans by making unnecessary changes to the formula, like putting the gun barrel sequence at the end of the film instead of opening with it. Not only that, but also takes for granted that everyone in the audience is well-versed in the Bond universe as the film follows on from Casino Royale with little explanation or exposition on who Eva Green’s Vesper character is and her death, which is the driving force behind Bond in this film.

Because of this it does not seem that you can enjoy Quantum without having seen Casino Royale recently beforehand, as if the Bond series has become a package deal by necessity, which was never a case before. Taking into consideration the bald villain Blofeld who murdered 007’s wife in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service; in the following film, Diamonds Are Forever, Bond is tenaciously hunting for him with personal interest, but his wife is never mentioned. Diamonds Are Forever succeeds in not letting any member of the audience feel disorientated by Bond’s hunt, whereas Quantum fails.

The film is also unsatisfyingly short, and the shortest Bond film in the entire run at 100 minutes. And if you consider that Quantum runs on from Casino Royale, the longest in the series, it might have been more conducive if they saved Vesper’s death at the end of Casino for the beginning of Quantum. This holds particularly true as Casino Royale seems to end with her and Bond together, then has a random extra twenty minutes added on to kill her off…stick those twenty minutes at the beginning of this film, you would have two films with satisfying running times, rather than one extra long and one extra short.

We all know if you are making the 22^nd film in a series, repeating ideas can become an easy mistake to make but did Neal Purvis and Robert Wade have to mimic the most enduring image in Bond history, the iconic scene from Goldfinger where Shirley Eaton’s Jill Masterson lies dead on a bed painted in gold (motor oil in this case)? Is this a rebuke to the capitalist desires of today? No longer do we desire gold, but oil? If they were trying to set up their own inventive, unique, and subtextually grabbing contributions to the Bond series, there are more plausible ways to create a shocking death, without sparking the ire of die hards.

I wish producers actually took time to craft a good film, rather that just setting release dates: that way Quantum’s poor CGI could have been bettered. Considering that all Quantum has going for it is the action, director Marc Foster really should have seen to it that it all looked thumbs up on screen.

The film is not without its good bits however. There is a scene where you see that 007’s boss M actually has to answer to someone, and that she has been defending Bond for years, maintaining that he ‘gets results’ which is a nice touch. Daniel Craig is adept at making 007 the witty, down-to-earth, cold-blooded killing machine we deserve. His patois with Judi Dench’s M is the best developed relationship in the series, and when they are on screen together deliver the film’s strongest moments. Olga Kurylenko, who looks reminiscent of Sophie Marceau’s Elektra King with a bad haircut just sulks in her role, lifted identically from Carole Boucquet’s Melinda Havelock from For Your Eyes Only and randomly gains a bogus foreign accent halfway through the film. The film lacks a threatening villain in Dominic Greene (Mathieu Almaric), a weak pale little man who looks like a cross between David Mitchell and Jools Holland and almost as threatening. At no point do we ever feel Bond is going to ‘meet his match’ as it were, whereas in 007 films of past we always had Bond cornered in a dire situation where if not for his wits and pain threshold would be dead.

Quantum of Solace lacks all this! But all you need to make a Bond film work is a guy who looks good in a tuxedo to have killer aim and a sexy car which fires missiles. As this film lacked the sexy car, we can only hope that they learn their lesson next time around. They have slipped up in the Bond universe, don’t even get me started on the abhorrent opening credits, but if its just plain balls to the wall action you are after, you won’t find much disappointment with Quantum.

Grading: B

Congrats Nadal

2008-07-09T11:52:00.001+01:00

I went to Wimbledon and saw the eventual Champion warming up. I want to congratulate him, the 8th of me which is Spanish and Spain on this wonderful year we're having :D

Lost – 4.12 – There’s No Place Like Home part 1 by McLeron

2008-05-21T20:27:00.001+01:00

First of all…omfg…I am so in love with this show, as Tracy Jordan would say, I’d like to take it round behind the bike sheds and have little Lost babies. Christ alive, wasn’t everyone rocked to the core this episode. Apologies in advance as during this recap I will probably say ‘…and here is where I broke into applause’ fifty times as I must have done so during every minute of this prelude into what might be the greatest finale ever

So, for the penultimate time of 2008, Previously on Lost: Keamy had to resort to secondary protocol to torch the island, pre-emptively laying in wait for Ben to reach The Orchid station. Frank satphoned Claire’s house, which Jack took as a hint to follow them. Locke went into Jacob’s cabin and found a Christian Shepherd to shepherd him to salvation of the island, and confirming the theory that Jacob likes to move it, move it. He likes to (?) move it!

Reverse Hitchcock, or a Citizen Kane, where the camera pulls back or zooms out to reveal that we were looking through a window. Here, we were looking at the sky from inside a cargo plane. The pilot passes on some info to the co pilot and sees him holding…I don’t know what that is, last year we saw Jack holding something illegible and we’ll found out what that is two weeks from now, so logically the season 5 finale shall reveal the pilots thingamajig. IMO it looks like a fortune cookie…or a hanky. The co-pilot says they need it because of their cargo of bad Mojo. Michelle Forbes, from Prison Break and 24, addressed here as Miss Decker, is advised to let the cargo know that they are landing. Here pretty much everyone has realised that the Oceanic 6 must be on this plane. She unsteadily wibbles and wobbles her gangly body to the hold to tell, Shock Horror, Jack, Kate, Aaron, Sayid, Sun, and Hurley that they are about to land in a military facility just west of Honolulu. That’s a nice in-joke. She informs them all that their families are all there, and that the press wants to chat to them…if that’s ok. Jack speaks on behalf of everyone for what he might feel is the last time, that they are willing to hold a press conference. Everyone else blanks Miss Decker. She tells them that they are referring to them as the Oceanic 6. She swaggers precariously off as Aaron picks her nose. Yes her, that’s defo not a boy baby. When she is out of earshot, Jack turns to the other five ‘We all know the story, if we get any questions we don’t want to answer, or can’t answer, just say nothing…if looking at you Aaron’ He says that they can use shock as an excuse. And Sun reminds them that they still are.

The plane lands. They all look inscrutable. I’m having a very hard time scruting them. Good direction from Stephen Williams, I guess. In a nice bit of cinematography and musical no dialogue slow-motion, we have them stepping out of the cargo plane and onto the first bit of American land for…gosh, what date is it here? Well the first bit of American land for at least three months for Jack and Hurley, the first time in at least 6 months for Kate, and the first time ever for Sun and Aaron. Hurley is the first to get out, and I’m expecting him to cannonball everyone, but he hugs his mother and father. Sweet. Surprisingly, Jack’s mum is there, after a 75 episode absence, surely to be the record of a guest star on this show. She hugs Jack, and Mr and Mrs Paik ecstatically and tearily hug Sun. Kate has nobody. Seeing that Sayid has no one, Hurley brings him over to meet the Reyes’s. Jack looks very happy, but Sun looks forlorn, and WE ALL KNOW WHY.

FLASHBACK to Kate on the Beach. It’s dark and the Lostaways are debating the true interpretation of the message in the raincoat in the bag from the helicopter in the sky. Rose theorises that Desmond and Sayid must be in the chopper. Sun respectfully disagrees, saying that if they did, why didn’t they just land. Jack doesn’t know, but uses his common sense to say that the sat phone is tracking the chopper, so they obv want them to know where they are. Sun says they should call them to check. Don’t think that’s such a good idea, but Genial Genius Daniel ‘rejiggers’ the phone so that their side is muted and that they can hear the goings-on in the chopper. We learn that they have landed 5 clicks from the site, the Orchid (important!), and reading between the lines, Frank doesn’t want to do this, and neither Desmond nor Sayid are with them. Juliet thinks this brilliantly…so…Jack asks Kate to come with him to fight against the mass of combat military mercenary death soldiers. He had Juliet right there. Mmmm Kate and Juliet (hot oil death match) I don’t fancy Kate’s odds, even if she did dislocate Jules’ arm…Juliet’s badass, it’s a shame to see her relegated. So an injured Jack, and Kate will be saving the island. I think the rest of the Lostaways must have seen the flashforwards because if I didn’t know that Jack and Kate are relatively healthy in the future I’d be certain they were about to die. Oh I spoke too soon, as Juliet has her reservations. Jack argues with her. I’m quite annoyed with Jack this season, he’s just as dictatorshippy as Locke. In the early days he was all about what the whole camp wants, since s3 he’s always going on about how ‘HE’s the leader, HIS say goes’ I think it’s because Sayid is not on the island. Jack assures Juliet that he’s only being a jerk because he promised everybody that he was getting them all off this island. Jack, why bother, look at your flashforwards, you did a very halfarsed job of rescuing ‘everybody’ Juliet emotionally tells him not to bleed to death. She leaves wiping her eyes. Jack tells her he’ll see her in a couple of hours. This is exactly the kind of ominous foreshadowing that makes me predict that Jack isn’t going to see her for at least three years.

Daniel is frantically rummaging through his notebooks. Rummaginger asks him what’s wrong and he tells her that the death squad mentioned The Orchid, that means they are using the secondary protocol. She asks what’s the significance and his response is an urgent proclamation that they definitely, 100% need to get off this island…NOW

LOST

It’s now morning and Jate are catching up to the helicopter. Kate suggests they take a break, and for the first time ever in Lostory, he does. This lets her know that something’s up. His side is bleeding, and the man is doing some heavy sweating. Kate points this out to him and he says the bleeding to death is just the bodies way of recovering. Now I’m not a doctor *ignoring the shocked gasps* but that’s not going to pass with me, buster. Kate copies me and they don’t have time to discuss how Jack’s so good at bluffing, remember when he beat, oh speak of the devil, Sawyer comes bristling through the green with Aaron behind a nonchalant Miles. He looks well haggard – is Josh Holloway really aging or is it a great amount of detail by make up to make him look weather beaten after carrying a baby and screaming after Claire and having been shot at and blown up? Seeing Sawyer with Aaron, Kate asks where Claire is. Sawyer has to break the news that she is gone, and that they’ve been looking for her for a day. Cripes, Aaron has coped well, and he doesn’t even seem hungry. Sawyer has had enough questions already, so he asks them why they are out there with the sat phone. Jack explains that the helicopter flew over the beach and someone threw it out, hopefully Desmond or Sayid. Sawyer very seriously tells him that Sayid better not be on there, because the men on that helicopter are animals…and their smart…and if you think that ONE gun and ONE bullet, whoa sorry, was channelling Rambina for a second. Must have been Miles’ fault. Jack goes Pah! Sayid, joining sides with an enemy??? Leave it out, mate, pull the other one, give over, caress it gently, clean it thoroughly! Kate is surprised that they tried killing people. Sawyer says something I’ve waited to hear since series 2 ‘Locke was right’ (well, I’m paraphrasing) Jack belittles Sawyer’s handling of the situation, and this riles Sawyer, who disparages Jack’s plan. Jack isn’t taking any of his crap, as seriously, that helicopter is the only way off the island. Sawyer angrily tells Jack he sounds like a broken record, always snotting about getting off the island. Kate has to intervene. Jack makes it all about him, saying that he put Sayid and Desmond on the helicopter, so he’s going after it. Kate is now holding Aaron so she refuses to go any further as she is clever enough to realise that Aaron doesn’t give enough cover as a human shield. Jack walks off. Sawyer, finally gets his cowboy up, and says with unspoken love ‘that sonofabitch is stubborn, [yeah, you’re the authority here, ‘I’ll give you the inhalers for a kiss’] HOLD UP! You don’t get to die alone’…and here is where I broke into applause. Can’t anyone watch the flashforwards: Jack wants to die alone!

FLASHFORWARD, but not that far forward, to the fabled press conference, currently being watched by Mr Avelline, Guy in Pharmacy #1, Big Mike, and Korean Nurse #2. Miss Decker tells the press that the O6 crashed, then swam to the unchartered, uninhabited island Membata, where they lived for 103 days, until a typhoon washed up a boat, which they used to sail to Manukangga, in Sumba. This sounds like Krusty the Klowns opener at Stand-up. Once they were discovered as 815 survivors, Oceanic transported them to this Hawaiian hangar, post-haste! The first journalist gets to ask what it felt like to survive the crash. Jack lies through his overly-prominent canines about getting through the emergency door, and getting carried by the current where only 8 were alive, meaning three people died. I wonder why they said this stuff about the extra three people, were they Charlie and Claire because they realised that eventually scientists would get the tagged seagull with the message that there were survivors and that it would be signed by them, or were they just invented for a bit of realism? A British journalist tells them that they all look good...suspiciously good. Before Kate can tell her that she has a son, now, she’s not looking for a girlfriend, Hurley speculates that this is because of his heft. This lightens the mood, and his parent beam proudly. Taking his lead, the journo asks how it will feel to get all his money back, and Hurley says that he doesn’t want any of it back. Some Korean journalist tries asking Sun a question. Probably because she has no choice. All the other press sigh. She asked if Jin was one of the 8 who made it to the island. Sun thinks for a moment and looks at the other O6 for any help answering this question. Five minutes later, she finally gets round to answering and says that he died in the crash. Thus explaining the gravestone. The first journalist gets to ask another question. He asks a brooding Kate what it was like to give birth on the island. She says it was scary, in a scary whisper. She tells them Aaron’s age which is five weeks. Five weeks lasted over three seasons? So much happens in this show. Then the journalist slyly tries to ask her how pregnant she was when she was apprehended of the whole essay of crimes which she may or may not be guilty or innocent of not being guilty, wink once for yes. Decker spots the snare and doesn’t allow Kate to answer it. The Brit gets to ask another question. Aren't any of the other journo’s pissed? Or perhaps they all had just four questions and now they’ve all been answered. She asks Sayid if it’s possible that there might be any other survivors. He says absolutely not. Oh dear for us at home.

The press conference over, Jack congratulates them on lying well, while Decker tells Sayid that Noor Abed Jaseem is outside…and here is where I broke into applause. YES!!! I’ve been waiting for this for three years (didn’t start watching till it aired in the UK) He exits the hangar and finds her waiting for him. After 8 years of searching, she has found him, and then they kiss, and THIS must be the spectacular kiss everyone’s been speculating on. I don’t think you can better a kiss that’s been 8 years in the making. They kiss very awkwardly, but its dosed with tenderness. They hold on to each other and sway, while weeping, and we cut to an extreme long shot where my spine twinges then chills. But Nadia will die after ten months…Oh. No.

FLASHBACK to Sayid porting on the beach. The remaining Lostaways crowd around him and ask where’s Desmond. Sayid says it’s fine but they have to get in the boat – 6 at a time. Oh, you’re just playing with us, Demon and Curse. Juliet is confused as to why they are not in the helicopter and Sayid tells her that the men on the helicopter are there to kill them! Except Frank, right? Juliet flicks her head exasperatedly which worries Sayid. Jack and Kate just went to the helicopter. This worries Sayid more.

In the valley, Locke, Linus, and Reyes are making their way to the secondary protocol. Hurley wants to know where. Ben elaborates that they are going to the Orchid, a greenhouse. Hurley wants to know why. Ben refers him back to John saying that they have to move the island. Hurley wants to know how. Ben says ‘Very carefully’ Hurley wants to know what stopped them from doing it before. Ben informs him that doing so is very dangerous and unpredictable and is only to be done as a last resort. Ben stops at some rocks. Behind them are some supplies. Ben begins to open them but John takes charge. Inside are some crackers. They are probably for Kate to feel better, but Locke throws them over to the person with the nearest cupsize. There is a mirror. Ben asks for it. Narcissist. He disparages Hurley for eating the crackers as they are 15 years old (AAAAA one of the numbers!!!!!!!) Yeah, how old do you reckon the Apollo bar that had been in Hurley's back pocket for a month was. Anyway, when in Rome. Locke finds some binoculars. Ben looks up on high and holds the mirror above his head and proceeds to flick it at angles. Hurley asks what he’s doing and manages to fit in a ‘dude’ Ben says he’s communicating with someone. Locke wants to know who. Ben replies, having had enough questions for one episode ‘Who do you think?’ Logical guess: his people. They receive a light flicker back. Ben says it’s ok to go on. Locke wants to know what just happened. Ben says it’s none of his business.

On the beach, more people are clamouring for the boat. Daniel takes Sayid aside and asks that he take over the ferrying project while Sayid goes in the jungle. Daniel insists that he does, it’s urgent. Wow, look how far Charlie got with Eko’s church Sayid leaves. Daniel reiterates that only 6 can go. Juliet pushes Sun to the front, and Sun beams. Heh…sunbeams. Kate arrives with Aaron and Miles and is relieved to find Sayid. They decide to go after Jack. Kate leaves Aaron with Sun, not telling her what happened to Claire. Jin sees Sun with the baby, and instantly looks serious. Daniel gets on the boat and waves goodbye to Charlotte. Miles gets nothing. Poor Miles. On the raft, Jin smiles at Sun and the baby, saying that he kept his promise to rescue her…and here is where I broke into applause. Aww. And if Shannon was still alive, here she’d finally be able to eat that chocolate bar.

FLASHFORWARD to Sun arriving at Paik’s lair. She’s visibly bumpy, and the sight of all the stairs she has to climb depresses her. We enter on Paik in a fiery rage. How could this happen? He yells. Whoever did it used five banks apparently. Paik yells at his subordinates to get Yoon up here…NOW! Speaking of Yoon and Jin and two separate unrelated Korean stars on the same TV show with the surname Kim, Sun enters, which calms Paik. Sun greets him. He says it’s just business complications with the company which women would not understand. He asks how the pregnancy is going. Sun tells him to go blow a cow and stop acting. They both know he despised the father. Paik is outraged at this independence. After all, women should be obscene, not heard. He demands that she show some R-E-S-T-E-C-P. Her response, (and it’s a goody) is that she was paid so much for her severe emotional distress, and sudden ability to speak English fluently, that she bought a controlling interest in Paik Heavy Industries…and here is where I broke into applause You can see the cogs of Mr. Paik’s head turn as he realises that he’s been had by the nads. He wants to know why and Sun goes off on him yelling that he ruined Jin’s life, and it’s because of him that they were on the flight to LA. Out of the two people responsible for his death, Mr. Paik is one of them. Ummm from this scene, I guess I’m going to have to accept that Jin is dead. Noooooo! Damn Daniel Dae Kim for that dim dumb DUI. Mr Paik quails under Sun’s glare like a pussy, and knocks the ghostbusting vacuum cleaner disguised as a toy car on his safe Sun tells him that she will have her baby, then decide how to run the company.

Meanwhile, Hurley gets home with his Mr Clucks Birthday Bargain Clucket to an unlocked door, and a suspiciously empty house. He calls out for his mum and dad. Then he calls out for the Tron family servants who I swear he fired before his 815 flight. He starts hearing the Whispers as he picks up a random coconut on the floor. He picks up one of the handy gold Jesus’s hangin about the house as a weapon. He goes through the door to a surprise party where his mum reprimands him for using a idol as just that. Seriously though, Hurley is dense. It’s his birthday, and he didn’t think that was a possibility behind the Whispers (which have turned out to be his guests). Kate and Aaron wish him a happy birthday (this is before her trial) but Jack’s running late. Are they together now? But Hurley’s not in the institution yet. So they went out, then split, then had the trial, then went out, then split. It’s doomed, man. Beautiful Kristin Davis-reminiscent Nadia and Sayid wish him a happy birthday, and you can see that they are both wearing wedding rings. Awww. That’s so sad how she dies. Damn you, Widmore! Sayid comments that they chose an interesting theme (desert island) Hurley dismisses his old senile nympho mum as not getting the whole idea of trauma. David Reyes comes upon them and asks what they are talking about, building a fire, hunting boars? No, they are talking about four toed statues and Michael shooting Libby. His enthusiasm falls flat, so he asks Hurley away for a moment. He takes him to the garage to show him his present. It’s the Camaro, finally restored, finally with a carburettor. All these life moments that the writers have set up have been whisked over so rapidly in this episode. I guess that means even greater events to come. Hurley is amazed. David tells Hurley that he worked on it, when he thought he was dead, imagining Hurley was with him. Awwww…and here is where I broke into tears. David asks if he wants to take it for a spin. Hurley couldn’t be happier. Sadly the truth of this statement is only too realised. Hurley gets in the car and spots something on the dashboard. Uh oh. Nooo, it’s Hurley’s birthday. Hurley gets mad at seeing the numbers crying that it must be a joke. David remarks that it’s a massive coincidence. Hurley gets more agitated and scrambles to get out of the car and run away.

BACK to Hurley on the island, he brings up the point that even if they do move the island, doesn’t that mean the bad guys move too? Ben confirms this. Hurley is as flabbergasted as I am. Isn’t that a problem?? Ben says he’s working on it. Hurley cries that he wants to get off the island and worries that he won’t be able to. Sssh don’t worry Hurley, you’ll be fine. They arrive at the Orchid. Ben requests the binoculars and suggests Locke get lower to the ground, at least he and Hurley are camouflaged, Locke’s wearing *blue* for crying out loud. Locke locks and loads and asks why they are hiding. Ben tells him because Widmore knows about the Orchid so they have to ascertain whether or not it’s been infiltrated. Locke infuriates me on not asking any more questions, but instead his feelings get hurt that Ben lied to him. Ben admits that he wasn’t entirely truthful. Gosh that does NOT count as an excuse. I said this in my recap for Through the Looking Glass where he tells Mikhail that the reason he had to tell everyone the station was flooding was because he lied. Saying the truth after a lie does not excuse the lie. Ben must have had some bad parents. Oh yeah. Ben hands the binoculars back to Locke and tells him he needs to look at the back wall. They were too late, the Frarmy are already here!

On the boat Sun and Jin can’t take their celebrating eyes off each other. Oh please don’t let anything happen to Jin! They reach the Kahana where Desmond helps them on. Daniel explains to his Constant that Sayid is back on the island going after Jack. Sun and Jin get onto the freighter. Daniel speeds off heroically. Sun and Jin hear Kevin, um Michael saying that the engine’s fixed. They exchange significant looks. Desmond runs into the main bit (Deck? Hub? Cockpit? Steering room?) to tell the first mate (presumably) that the engines are now working. They are indeed. They start sailing to the island, and Desmond reminds the first mate to stay on the bearing 305. Apparently there’s some RF interference with the ********* and that he wont get any closer than 5 miles. Desmond says it’s impossible that there could be anything else transmitting, the radio room’s down. The first mate says there obviously is. Desmond runs off to search for it.

On the island, Sawyer and Jack are making their way to the helicopter. Sawyer spots the blood oozing from Jack’s side. ‘Cut yourself shaving?’ Heh. Jack explains that Juliet took out his appendix. They reach the helicopter. Frank is there, cuffed to it. Frank fills Sawyer in on who he is, and Sawyer is less hostile. He asks Sawyer to get the toolbox. Sawyer looks at Jack and he encourages him. Sawyer is an ass about it. I think Damon and Carlton slightly over do it when they write for Sawyer, he’s always so overly cool that it verges on lame. Remember the s4 premiere ‘surviven!’ Jack asks where’s Desmond and Sayid. Frank tells him. He also says that the men he brought there are some serious bad guys. Jack asks where they’ve gone. Frank says that they have gone to some greenhouse waiting for Linus. This shocks Sawyer. He asks what they would do to the people with him. Sawyer, look down at your shirt where it’s been splattered with the blood of the other socks who were just gathering firewood. That a clue???????? Sawyer tells Jack that Hugo’s with Ben. (Sawyer does not nickname his friends anymore just the freighters) Jack takes this in, and he is compounded by the accumulated stress and nonstop let up in saving people or himself he has had to do every day for the past 3 months and says greatly ‘SONOFABITCH’…and here is where I broke into loud applause and ecstatic whooping.

FLASHFORWARD to the funeral of Christian Shepherd. Around this time, Hurley will travel to Korea to see Ji Yeon and Jin’s grave. Jack is eulogising Christian. Jack isn’t the best at eulogising (Ana Lucia was a man of few words, and so am I….Rest In Peace[I’m aware that I called her a man]). He’s the king of writing wedding vows though. He tries to open with a joke, saying that Christian would have hated whatever he had written. So that talk Sawyer gave you about meeting Shepherd in a bar and how he wished he could talk to his son just went out the other ear, Jack? Oh yeah, Sawyer doesn’t exist in this bogus crash they had, keep up the charade, sorry I spoke. He says that the only thing Christian enjoyed about funerals was the booze. Um, Jack this is spiralling, you aren’t meant to enjoy funerals, booze is just the light at the end of the silver lining over the rainbow. Am I right or am I left? The Jears well up as he concludes saying that he misses him and loved him. The wake over, Jack is taken aside by an Australian blondie. She tells him that she is sorry for his loss and he thanks her. He asks her how she knew he father. She says that she is the reason he was in Australia. Jack doesn’t understand. She tells him that he came to see his daughter. Jack looks at her searchingly. He refutes her claim that his father had a second family, but she suggests he go check his phone records. That’s not even the strangest thing. Her daughter, Jack’s half sister was on the plane. Please say her name, please say the name, come on, Claire’s műter say it! Jack is shocked. She tells him that they were in the air for 6 hours, probably sat near each other neither knowing that they were related. She says that her daughter was one of the ones who died in the water (Crap! That screws my theory that the had no choice but to mention some extra survivors because of Claire’s seagull message) Then the mother says her name was clear. Oh Claire!…and here is where I broke into applause. My money was on Sun. Jack blinks exactly twenty times (yes, I counted). She apologises for burdening him with this new pressure, but he had to find out. She makes to walk out but stops to look at her grandson, commenting that he’s beautiful. He’s the bastard son of a bastard, so perhaps its like two negatives make a positive. Jack turns to Kate sharing very significant omfg looks.

BACK on the freighter, Sun is grilling Michael about how they got to New York. Michael explains, but it doesn’t take a whole episode with a subplot about a homosexual Other and a larger conspiracy with Libby ghosts. Sun gives him a dirty look as he admits that he is working for Ben. She’s never even met him, what’s her beef? Michael justifies it saying that he’s there to help them. Jin doesn’t need Sun to translate. The language of anguish breaks barriers. They are interrupted by a Distraught Desmond (track 14) yelling for Michael. Sun and Jin follow to find a room with a jaw dropping amount of C4. Seriously, that’s like an atom bomb. One block of C4 royally f*cked the Others submarine. Here, there’s hundreds, stacked like bricks. Holy Crap. Jin tells Sun something sensible in Korean and they skedaddle. Desmond and Michael look at each other shocked.

Kate and Sayid stumble through the jungle and stop as they find a fresh new set of tracks that aren’t Sawyer or Jack’s and the person’s doubled back…Not Naomi again. No, she’s on the boat. Kate and Sayid cock their weapons and aim around wildly shouting for the culprit to show themselves. ‘Relax’ says the voice of someone chilled out. He starts walking forward. DICKERS!!!! …and here is where I broke into applause. They shout at him to stop, but he keeps advancing on them until they give him the threat that if he takes one more step…and he takes one step. Before they can even react, about thirty other weapons get cocked at Kate and Sayid, and they are surrounded on all sides by a bunch of tatty Others. They take their guns.

At the Orchid, they are still watching the death soldiers. Locke can’t see Keamy. Ben removes his Extendo-Baton from his sleeve and hands it to John. Ben delegates John a long verbose list of instructions which don’t need to be recapped, telling him how to enter the REAL Orchid station. Hurley is little surprised that they had a fake. Locke is more worried about the death squad Frarmy. Locke wants to know how. Ben snaps and says ‘How many times do I have to tell you, John? I always have a plan’…and here is where I broke into applause. Although I don’t remember Ben saying that he has a plan other than this time. I’ve heard him say that he has a man on a boat, and Jack say that he has a plan, in the first two finales.

As the camera follows the people who escape the island we get some bloody beautiful, and very new music Giacchino hasn’t used before. Ben goes off to uncertain doom.

Sun comes onto the deck with Aaron with her body looking slightly disproportionate.

Jack and Sawyer go off to do what they do best, save their friend.

Kate and Sayid are marched off with Richard Alpert and Others, facing punishment for having kind hearts.

Hurley and Locke hide in the bushes, waiting for their cue to do their part and save the island.

And we realise that we love them all. Even

Ben who enters the forum of the Orchid to hear, just like Kate and Sayid, a whole lotta guns click at him. Out walks Keamy with an arrogant swagger. Ben looks at the man who killed his daughter and any memory of her and introduces himself. Keamy puts a gun to his head. Great plan, Ben. Ah you’re alive in the future, you’ll be fine. Keamy flinches and Ben is thrown back and you think he’s been shot, but he’s just been nutbutted in the face.

LOST

Grading: A

Interesting points raised: Hurley’s with Locke and Ben, soon to be joined by Jack and James. I don’t know where Kate and Sayid are going but they are done no serious harm, so they are probably going to the Orchid, where hopefully Richard Alpert and all save the day…hopefully not killing Keamy before removing that device which might cause the C4 to go off killing Desmond, Michael, and Jin. They better bloody not die, I love them all! So the day is saved at The Orchid, then Hurley, Kate, Jack, and Sayid get on the helicopter, but Sawyer chooses to stay, asking Kate to do him some favour, then they shoot off to the boat where they pick up Sun and Aaron…then they must either conspire together or be duressed into making the Oceanic 6 story. And we still have to find out who coffin guy is. Hopefully not Sayid or Michael or Frank! Charlotte and Miles surely have a big part to play, and presumably Claire, too. The great thing about finales is that each regular cast member has their own part to play, so it would be good to see Miles and Charlotte come through, and at least see Claire again.

I’d like to see Juliet bumped up a bit more into the action

So, all the things we’ve yet to see and have been promised this season are: a really awesome kiss; a seismic sky turning purple event (probably the island movement); a scene with Yunjin Kim in London; a full explanation to establish and place in context Jack’s keenness to return to Craphole island; the identity of the person in the coffin (everyone’s assuming it’s a man, no refers to the body as a he, though) and an ultra secret scene towards the end nicknamed the frozen donkey wheel.

I predict this finale gives more answers than questions, which is a bit annoying as last year we had a ridiculously huge question answered and got thousands of other little niggling questions introduced, which was brilliant. Here, I don’t think we’ll get so many compelling questions, which leaves me feeling a bit empty. But I think we all will.

Lost – 4.11 – Cabin Fever Recap by McLeron

2008-05-14T14:08:00.000+01:00

Previously on Lost: Nothing happened. Troubling, I rather like a hefty bunch of previouslies to start an episode, but I guess they have been phased out because the actual episodes contain so much content, there’s no time for contextual establishing previouslies.

Someone puts on a record. I’m assuming due to the writers strike, and the cutting of episodes, they have started season 5 early and this is the opening. It’s a girl, dancing to a Buddy Holly record. She applies some lipstick to her bouche and dance-flirts with the mirror. Her mother chides her for going out at this hour, it’s almost three thirty, holy Moses. The girl says to her mum that yes she is going out, and her mother can’t stop her. Don’t tell me what I…ah anyway, the mum tells her that the guy she’s meeting is twice her age, there’s laws against this kind of thing. The girl, Emily, runs out of the house into the road and gets run over, such is life. The next thing she knows is that she’s getting trolleyed down a hospital hallway. She tells a nurse that she’s pregnant. That’s a shock because she sure doesn’t look it, there’s no bump at all. She’s five months down the line, on the cusp of six months. Jump to her birthing the child in a lot of agony. This is the genesis, everyone. It’s a boy, but he’s really premature, Emily can’t even hold him. She stutters stunned. Then she screams to name him John. So it begins!

BACK to the island, where my personal favourite, John Locke, is carrying a torch, following the leader, the leader, the leader to Jacob’s cabin. Hurley can’t guess why someone would build a cabin in the jungle or why they are going. Locke reminds him, and us because there were no previouslies, that they are going to get tips to defend the island from the man who is going to kill them. Hurley says they have been walking for hours, how close are they. Locke turns to Ben and asks how long left. Ben takes a moment and says that he doesn’t know, he’s been following Hurley. Heh. John is confused that they are following Hurley. Hurley says that he’s not even in front. Heh. Ben states he has no idea where the cabin is, Hurley saw it last. ‘Oh this is just awesome,’ says Hurley. ‘Well, what do you think we should do, John?’ Locke looks at them. ‘We’re making camp’ Ben walks on a little. Hurley is slightly frightened that they are stopping in the jungle with the dark and the monster and Ben. Locke maintains the rest will do them good. Hurley’s also worried about what happens when the freighter army (or Frarmy, if you will) comes back. He just said! He’s going to find out from Jacob. Locke says it in a more friendly way, saying he will find out soon.

We get a nice establishing shot of the freighter from the point of view of the helicopter. Desmond is woken by Sayid. No one ever wakes up themselves on this boat, there’s always some alarm or time conscious flitting to stop them from sleeping. And Des has had it worse in the hatch where no sleep lasted longer than 108 minutes. Sayid tells Desmond the helicopter is here and they go up to the deck. Keamy’s men carry the monster battered soldier to the doctor. The doc wants to know what ‘the hell’ happened. Keamy says a black pillar of smoke threw him 50 feet into the air and ripped his guts out. NICE. He spots Sayid and marches up to him imposingly and says he needs him to tell him exactly how many and where everyone on the island is. I’m so happy we have Sayid, who can get the measure of a man so well, who asks why would he tell him. You see a bunch of soldier mercenaries go back to where your friends are and see them return battered and bloodied with a terrified pilot, and the leader starts asking you for intel on your friends, what would you do? Legend, Sayid. He deserves to be my fourth favourite character. The captain gets over to them. Keamy cocks his gun at Gault’s neck, saying that he gave him up. The captain didn’t expect this kind of hello. Keamy tells him that Linus knew everything about him. Gault wasn’t the man who gave him up. Keamy: Then who did?

Cut to them walking in on Michael, who is chained to a pipe in his cell. Keamy deftly kicks out a leg on the bed so it crushes Michael’s leg. Then he sadistically puts his foot on it. He interrogates Michael and finds that he is the spy. Keamy pulls out a gun and aims at Michael. The captain orders him to wait. Keamy pulls the trigger. No bullets come out. My friend David looks at me and I at him. Then we are helpless just to laugh our arses off. Heheheheh. We also watched Meet Kevin Johnson together so we have the shared experience of learning that Michael is impervious to guns, unlike say Ana-Lucia. Keamy checks the gun and it’s fully loaded. He’s confused. The captain tells him that they need Michael because he’s the only one who can fix the engines. Keamy knocks Michael out instead.

LOST

Locke opens his eyes and hears someone chopping wood and grunting. Hurley and Ben are asleep. He explores onward. It turns out to be Horace Goodspeed, or the dickhead from The Green Mile as he’s known round ours. Horace Goodspeed, lest we forget, was gassed to death not too long ago and got thrown into the Dharma grave. The tree he’s chopping falls over and we get a nice shot of it falling from low ground. Horace, who had been ignoring Locke, now acknowledges him. He does an Ethan and says a creepy ‘Hello, there’ Locke asks him who he is. He introduces himself, saying that he's building a place for him and the missus because sometimes they need a break from the Dharma Initiative. He says interrogatively that he’s not making any sense. Locke agrees. He says it’s probably because he has been dead for 12 years. Yeah, probably, just a stab in the dark, but that does seem to be the best reason. Some blood has dribbled from his nose to his mouth. The tree he’s chopping falls over and we get a nice shot of it falling from low ground. Wait a minute, I say to David, they’re just recycling footage! What cheap bastards! Then Horace says Hello there again. So there was a photocopying error with the script pages and we’re getting the same scene twice? Oh wait there’s new dialogue. Locke notices the tree is upright again. Horace tells him the path to Jacob is through him, find his body, find Jacob – find the leader, save the island. Eeww I’m not a fan of my phrasing there. It sounds a little too much like the tagline for a really crap TV show that loads of people ignorantly say is much better than Lost. Horace tells him that Jacob’s been waiting for him a real long time then chops the tree again. Locke opens his eyes and stands up. It was a dream. Ben is awake, so Hurley is awakened by Locke. He now knows where to go. Ben says mournfully that he used to have dreams. So does Widmore, but in the future he has nightmares. A sad note. Locke looks at him compassionately, then nods him onward

FLASHBACK to someone bald, wrinkly, and unable to walk. Hmm wonder who he grows up to be. Emily is staring intently at Baby Locke (or Blocke, if you will) A nurse comes in cheerily telling them that he’s the youngest premature baby (or ‘preemy’) to survive in the hospital. He’s suffered all sorts of infections, but Little John (damn that’s a much better nickname than Blocke…what’s done is done, though) survived them all. His grandmother says that’s wonderful, but her manner betrays her words. The nurse buoyantly says that they are now getting him out of the incubator, so Emily can now hold her baby. Emily looks at Blocke terrified. She says she can’t do it and bolts. Yeah, Emily, make it all about you. She is one of my most hated mothers. Perhaps even worse than Jin’s. The grandmother observes this unimpressed and pulls out a cigarette and gives the nurse a hard glare asking what she can do about adoption. It’s as simple as that to you isn’t it? Ugh, she’s just like Lucille Bluth. The nurse has to chide her that it’s a hospital, there’s no smoking. The grandmother puts the cigarette away apologetically and sees a man in a suit through the window who wasn’t there a moment ago. We can’t see his face but David and I can tell who he is from behind – Dickers!!! Dickie Alpers. David says thank god Cane got cancelled. Hear hear. The nurse asks if he’s the father. Granny doesn’t know who he is.

We’re back on the island and Hurley doesn’t know why he’s with Locke and Ben. Ben, I mean Locke, tells Locke, I mean Hurley that he has some communion with the island and that makes him very special. Hurley has a theory about why the three of them can see it: they are the craziest. Locke tells him they aren’t going to the cabin yet, they have to make a pit stop. Hurley is confuddled. Locke asks if Hurley knows about why Dharma died, a hundred people building hatches all over the island, making all the ranch dressing Hurley likes. Lol, a joke from season 2. He tells Hurley that they have to pay their remains a visit. They are there already! So his pit stop, was to stop at a pit. Played. We get some gratuitious shots of the bodies. ‘Where’s that one with the bullet hole in his skull they always show?’ I cry. Sure enough, it’s there with the rest of em. Hurley asks what happened to them. Ben did, replies Locke.

FLASHBACK to Kid Locke (or Klocke, if you will, so no one confuses it with Kid Rock) playing backgammon. His adopted sister looks out at the pouring rain then turns back inside surveying his pleasure. ‘That game’s stupid’ says the brat and shoves his board off the table. Umm, what was the point in that? Well we know she dies soon anyway, little cow. The mum shoos her away from Klocke as someone is there to see him. It’s Ricky Alpert, and he is eager to see him. The mum tells Klocke harshly to be on his best behaviour. The kid’s more timid than a mouse, I don’t think he has one word of dialogue through this whole scene! The mum effs off and leaves them alone. Richard comments on the backgammon board. It would be pretty cool if he starts telling Locke about how the dice used to be made of bones and the game’s older than Jesus Christ and there are two sides, one is light, one is dark. Does Klocke want to know a secret? None of that happens, instead Richard tells Klocke that he believes he qualifies entry into his special school. He sets down his man’s bag from The Brig and spots a drawing on the wall where a bald stick figure seems to be farting a monumental gust of butt breath. I think it’s meant to be a foreshadowing of when he encounters the monster in the season 1 finale. But Locke has a scar over his eye and five digits on his right hand.

So it’s not Locke! Dickie tells Klocke he wants him to look at a selection of objects and tell him which one he himself owns. He puts down a catcher’s mitt, a book of law, a vial of that ash from Jacob’s cabin, or something seemingly like it, a compass, a comic book, and a knife. Initially Klocke is confused, but he selects the vial. I shout woohoo because he’s obviously chosen correctly. But then he goes on to pick more. He picks a compass, and I’m like aaah that explains so much…well actually, it just gives an explanation of one thing, why Locke has a compass. Then he picks again. He looks at the book for ages, but instead chooses the knife which naffs Alpers off to no end. He asks him if he’s sure he owns the knife. Klocke nods. Richard snatches the knife off him and gathers all the items into his back as the mum comes out and asks if he did ok. Richard says that he’s not quite ready for the school and literally steamrolls out of there. But what about the drawing? The mum reprimands Klocke. He pouts because he hasn’t done anything wrong.

Back in the pit, Locke is rummaging through dead bodies. Hurley feels like a third wheel. ‘Soooo…this is where you shot Locke?’ Nice conversation topic, Hugo. Ben says that he was standing right where Hurley is. In a moment of understated comedy, Hurley subtly backs away from the spot and my friend and I laugh again. Ben says he should have realised at the time that it was pointless shooting Locke, but he wasn’t thinking clearly. It’s interesting to hear him say this. The island really wants Locke to stay alive. Hurley asks if not being able to think clearly is why all these people in the pit are dead. Ben says that he didn’t kill them, he did, but he didn’t decide to do it, their leader did. Hurley says that he thought Ben was the leader. Ben says he wasn’t always the leader. Locke finds the body before we can learn more. Ben sees that Locke was looking for Horace's body, which shakes him up. Locke finds a map/blueprint in Hozzazez front pocket. Bingo!

Back on the freighter, Frank comes over to the captain and Keamy to say that the bloke tormented by the monster finally gave up his life, and the crew are well suspicious. Keamy tells Frank to tell them that its all being dealt with, and go prepare to chopper. Frank doesn’t want to do this without a valid reason, and Keamy just repeats himself like a buttmunch. Frank goes away and the captain takes a moment to mention that the crew have had a strange bout of sickness near the island, and tells him about when Regina threw herself overboard. Keamy waves this off, and asks for Gault’s key. He says that’s not the protocol before Dickface slams him against the wall. Here I screamed at the screen ‘He’s your captain, you bastard!!’ Keamy yanks the captain’s key from his neck and thanks him. They both enter his umm cockpit (?) The easily usurped captain says that they are meant to open the safe together and Knobjockey says some throwaway bullying comment. He opens the safe and pulls out a red folder. Inside is another folder with what we presume is the Orchid logo. The captain asks what it is, and all he gets told for his troubles is that it’s secondary protocol. It details where Linus is going. The captain asks how they know that, and Keamy responds by explaining that Widmore is a clever Old Bastard. If Linus knows that they are going to torch the island, there’s only one place he can go. Tunisia??? Gault’s flabber is gasted, he never wanted to do any torching, he was only there to ferry them for an extraction mission. Keamy gives him a cold stare and orders him to fix his gun.

On the deck, Desmond observes another injured soldier biting the dust. He and Sayid don’t have any idea what could have caused them such harm, but they are certain the Frarmy won’t make the same mistake twice. ‘Omar!!’ shouts the advancing captain. Keamy needs him in the armoury. Omar’s orders were to stay and watch Des and Jarrah. The Captain says that he will watch them. Omar gets a Morse code transmission. Ahhh here we go. The Captain tells Desmond and Sayid to hide in the pantry. Sayid asks if Michael is dead. He isn’t but there’s been a few failed attempts, which is why they need to hide. Sayid says hiding is pointless and that they should ferry people to and fro in the zodiac raft. 80 Nautical Miles???? Well, if you say so Sayid. He and the captain agree to meet in ten minutes.

Locke is checking out the cabin’s location on the blueprint and says mysteriously that it came from up the coast. That boggles me. Hurley decently gives Locke and Ben a bottle of water. Hurley gets the same speech Locke gave Boone exactly three season ago that he should go back for his own safety, and history repeating itself, Hurley stays. Hurley leads on MacDuff. Ben looks at Locke. Locke says oi you, what's with the face. Ben says that Locke tricked Hurley into thinking that it was his own idea. Locke says he’s not Ben. Michael Emerson plays the line ‘You’re certainly not’ with such ambiguity it’s an insult to use the word. It’s more like a trambiguity, or a quambiguity, or a dodecambiguity.

FLASHBACK to Adolescent Locke (or Adolocke, if you will) stuffed in a locker. His teacher helps him out, as a bunch of cheerleaders laugh raucously as if it’s the funniest thing ever. The teacher orders Adolocke into his office to rap with him. First he tells him that a scientific company called Mittelos is asking for him. Adolocke looks at the leaflet the teacher gives him and balks. He asserts that that is precisely why no one thinks he’s cool. I do, John!! Adolocke whines on how they even heard of him and his teacher says it was probably that science project he made at Costa Masa. I’m a bit lost, here. Adolocke declares dramatically that he’s not a scientist, he likes boxing and fishing and cars and sports. Yeah, that doesn’t make him sound like he’s in the closet. The teacher looks at him and says that he will tell him something that he wished someone had told him at Adolocke’s age: ‘You can’t be the prom king, you can’t be the quarterback, you can’t be a superhero’ That’s the teacher’s wish? I would have wished for something like Scarlett Johansson or the ability to stop time. That sounds like someone’s preaching from the book of The Christian Shepherd. It’s practically the same as telling him he doesn’t have what it takes. Adolocke grits his teeth and growls ‘Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do!’ Locke fans at home applaud. In my opinion the teacher went the wrong way about getting Adolocke to Portland, he was just trapped in a locker, he obviously wasn’t in the mood to hear that kind of stuff.

In Michael’s room, Frank enters and asks why Michael didn’t tell him that he was a Lostaway. Mike lies that he wouldn’t have been believed. Frank calls him on the lie, saying that the first thing he told him was that he believed that there were survivors of 815. Mike honestly says that he couldn’t trust him, as Frank’s boss put the plane there. Frank doesn’t believe that. He helps Michael up and Michael asks him not to fly Keamy back. Frank’s not listening. Michael tells him, to paraphrase the words of a Linus (Dawson’s considering himself one of the good guys) that Keamy will kill every single living person on the island. Frank listens. God forbid anything happen to his best island friend, the brown cow. Michael tells him to trust him, he doesn’t want that on his conscience. Frank lets Michael out of the cell, only to spot Keamy and Omar up to some suspicious likely nefarious misdeeds. We see Omar strap…something incredibly mysterious to Keamy’s mahoosive bicep Look how small his thumb is compare to Keamy’s bicep! The man is humungous. Keamy spots the nonchalant Frank with the shifty looking scared Michael. Frank’s excuse is that he’s taking him to the engine room. Omar does a Godfather and shuts the door.

The captain meets Sayid and Desmond. He gives them a compass and tells them to travel only on a bearing of 305. With a few goodbyes, the captain leaves them. Sayid prepares to go back, but Desmond isn’t coming. He’s been there for three years and is never going back. He has to stay on the boat and get rescued by Penny. Sayid understands and tells him that he will be back with the first group as fast as he can. Sayid, the magnificent soldier, leaves.

Locke tells the group that the cabin should be 200 yards that-a-way. Ben asks him if he’s sure. Locke sort of does a ‘huh?’ Ben says it might have moved again. Locke is certain of it’s location as he was told where it would be. Ben says he was told lots of things. He bitterly says he was told he was special, and he ended up with a tumour on his spine and a dead daughter. Locke apologises that all that happened. Ben says that they had to happen – it was his destiny...but soon Locke will know that there are consequences to being chosen. Like Jesus I guess, chosen, then tortured. Ben says ‘Destiny is a fickle bitch’ I like that line. Does that mean Sawyer, with his so often yelled Sonofabitch, mean that he is Destiny’s Child? Locke takes this in solemnly, and his eyes pity Ben. Hurley calls them to say that they have found the cabin. Yay! Finally!

FLASHBACK to Adult Paraplegic Locke (Paraplocke if you, ah forget it, he can be called Locke here) He’s trying to get across some bars. He fails. Aah Cooper, death was too good for you. A black bald orderly (a blalderly?) helps Locke into a wheelchair and tells him not to give up. Locke says he wouldn’t be saying that if he read his file. Then he saves the blalderly the trouble by telling him that his spine was crushed. As a matter of fact, the orderly (blalderly is a rubbish word, and the joke has gone too far) did read it, and Locke is a walking miracle. The camera pans up and Yikes! It’s Creepy-Eyes Abbadon. He asks if Locke believes in miracles. Locke doesn’t. Abbadon tells him he should, one happened to him personally. Here he has Locke perched at the top of some stairs, and the music goes creepy. If he pushes Locke down the stairs…but no all is well, Locke sort of angrily says that he just wants to go back to his room. Abbadon tells him that Locke should go on a Walkabout. Locke doesn’t know what that is. Abbadon tells him about it, that it’s a journey of self discovery, where you go out into the Australian outback with a knife and your wits. Locke seriously says that can’t Walkabout anything, and he’s a flaming cripple, it’s not going to happen. Abbadon says that he went on a walkabout convince he was one thing, but came back another and found out what he was made of. Locke goes for the jugular and says that oh yeah, it really shows, now you’re an orderly. Abbadon says he’s a lot more than just an orderly. He wheels Locke into a lift and says that he should go on a walkabout when he is ready, and when they meet again, he will owe Abbadon one. Does this mean the writers are willing to let Locke stay alive at least until he meets Abbadon? Wwahoozah.

Lots of firepower is loaded into military bags. Desmond watches this perturbed. Omar asks the doc if he wants to hear something weird. Doc Ray’s game. Omar tells him that the morse code message said the doctor washed up on shore with a slit throat. The doctor is successfully weirded out. Keamy checks if everything is there. They have taken a hell of a lot of rockets. Frank asks what they plan to do with them. Keamy is a jerk and tells Frank to start the helicopter. Frank refuses. Keamy repeats his order but a lot more menacingly. Frank stands his ground. Keamy threatens Frank with death. Frank’s ok with that because he is the only pilot. To convince Frank, he does a bit of Keamy-therapy on Doc Ray’s throat and throws him overboard. Keamy gets halfway through explaining that in another 30 seconds someone else will die, but then a gun is fired. It’s Captain Gault! Legend. ‘I fixed your gun,’ he says, aiming at him. Keamy points to his armpit, which would stop me in my tracks, or he’s pointing to the device on his arm, which is captivating me (the device, not his arm) and tells the captain that he would not advise that. The captain asks around what the device is, but gets shot by Keamy. He pulls the trigger a split second later, but as Keamy is still standing has either missed, or Keamy’s in some protective force field powered by the thing on his arm. The captain probably missed. Desmond is very anxious and retreats. Frank is stunned. He agrees to fly them there, but once inside the helicopter, he stows a sat phone covertly in a bag. Keamy takes his gun from the captain and thanks him. They all get in the helicopter and it takes off

On the beach, Juliet tells Jack off for walking about. She tries to tell him that it isn’t good for his health and he acts like a know it all. They hear the helicopter returning. Everyone comes out looking for the source of the sound. Juliet welcomes the sound with open ears and a smiley face. It sweeps over them and a package is dropped. It demolishes Claire’s tent and here I was terrified it was a bomb and that Juliet would die, but they run over to it. He sees a map of the island, various pieces of equipment, and many books. He throws them all out until he finds the bleeping sat phone. Perhaps he should have spent some time looking at the map. Everyone looks to Jack for an answer. Ever the optimist, he says that he thinks they want him to follow them. D’oh!

Locke looks back at Ben and Hurley to see if they want to go in. Ben says the island doesn’t want him, his time is over. Hurley is too weirded out by all this. Ben sadly sees the new defender of the island visit the magical Boon. Locke doesn’t say anything like ‘Jacob, it’s John Locke, I’m coming in’ like Ben did, he just goes inside with a lantern. He goes inside the dingy dark place, and sees a figure sat in Jacob’s chair. Jacob? No, says the figure, but I can speak on his behalf. It’s Christian Shepherd. He introduces himself, missing out his surname. Locke sits down to talk to him. I think this is the first time we’ve seen the island Christian Shepherd have any lines, except the So It Begins mobisode. Locke asks if Christian knows why he has come. He does, but he asks Locke if he himself does. Locke begins uncertainly but finishes confidently that he was chosen to be there. Christian says that’s absolutely right. A creak behind Locke grabs his attention. It’s Claire. Locke is very surprised. It seems like just about anyone can be chosen these days – he’s not special at all! First the fat man, and now the girl who forgot her pill, it’s a travesty! Christian says it would be best not to tell anyone that Claire is there. Locke wants to know why, and Christian rudely says that we don’t have time, the people on the boat are already back and once they get there, it won’t matter, so Locke should just go ahead and ask the question that does matter.

‘How do I save the island?’

Outside the cabin Hurley and Arzt, I mean Ben are sat on a log. Hurley gets out an Apollo bar and takes his sweet time opening it while Ben watches all this enviously. Hurley catches Ben looking at it and Ben jerks his head to appear like he wasn’t perving on the food. Hurley breaks it in half and gives one to Ben. It’s almost like some religious painting. Hurley puts his share in his mouth in one go. Pig. Ben chomps on the chocolate bar gratefully. For that, Ben will do everything in his power to make sure that Hurley gets his wish and gets off the island and become one of the Oceanic 6. Locke comes out of the cabin.

‘Did he tell you what we’re supposed to do?’ asks Ben.

‘He did,’

‘Well?’

‘He wants us to move the island,’

LOST

Grading: It was hard to grade this episode, my friend and I found it to be one of the weaker Locke episodes. Perhaps the flashback would be better off suited to season one as it shares similarities to Claire’s flashback with the fortune teller. If I measure it against other eleventh hours of the previous seasons, it doesn’t score very high, episode eleven of series one is one of the best episodes of Lost ever made, the eleventh episode of series two is a highlight of the season, and the eleventh episode of season three was a bit more engaging that this episode. However the stuff on the freighter was some of the best Lost I have seen this season. Every single scene on it captivated and surprised me, and in my opinion far outweighed the island events. If I measure Cabin Fever against other episodes of a three hour finale, it kicks the crap out of 1.22 – Born To Run, an episode so lame, I can’t be bothered to describe its lamenossity, it shares similarities to 2.21 - ? with Locke having a dream about someone he had never met, and that episode which is lame by today’s standards, shook the life out of me. Measuring it against 3.20 – The Man Behind The Curtain is a bit of a joke as I have worked out that that is my second favourite episode of all time (so far[which seeing as I said all time, means I was lying when I used the term. In fact it really is pointless to use that phrase before the show has ended]) I have to admit, I was disappointed we didn’t see Jacob. Yes, we saw Alpert, but we’ve seen him about six times already, and yes, we saw Christian but he’s been in more episodes than some of the regular cast members. It was interesting to see a different side to Creepy-Eyes Abbadon, but I would sacrifice all of those to see Jacob in the episode which was basically all about going to see him. As Locke is my favourite character, I should be happy, but I began to think about how someone who doesn’t care about Locke would view the episode. I know this episode had a great response but I just didn’t feel it. Very little happened on the island. I think this is the first time in any Lost episode where I have found the events off the island more interesting than the stuff going on on the island. After all that, I decided to give it a low B.

B-

Interesting points raised: As a tremendous Locke fan (I must have seen Deus Ex Machina thirty times and the ending about eight hundred. There was a time when I would have the final six minutes of the episode play on media player on repeat while I did my Law homework [which takes about 5 sodding hours] and then it came out on the soundtrack two years ago which I must have now listened to at least a thousand times – NERD!) this episode was good confirmation that Terry O Quinn is here to stay until season six.

The thing on Keamy’s arm, what the hell man! My theory is that it sets off some mahoosive bomb if his heart stops.

It seems there was some truth when Ben, posing as Henry Gale, told John in 2.20 – Two For The Road that they were coming for him and he was special. The Others must have been ecstatic when the plane crashed – thank god Desmond was convinced to sail around the world to win Penny back after being convinced to dump her. The show is very complicated, but it does start to sound like everything’s falling into place at the right time.

Dharma drops…if a doctor washes up on shore two days before he dies by floating to the island on the wrong bearing, could that mean that a Dharma plane flying on the wrong bearing dropping a pallet in 1985, that pallet could potentially end up reaching the island in say, the last week of 2004?

Crikey the Others were really patient when it came to getting Locke to the island. Compare that to Juliet, where they tried every trick in the book to get her to the island, even to the point of roadkilling her ex. Though at that time, Ben was in charge, so I guess they were a bit more ruthlessly efficient, that and while Locke is a handsome man, Ben doesn’t want him as much as Juliet. The way Claire was ‘recruited’ to the island was enacted with a degree of urgency, but compare that to Sayid, where it was a matter of luck or Kate where by chance Ray Mullen gave her up.

This episode gives a new clarity to why Tom and Richard did not stop Locke when he was beating Mikhail.

I have written much less in my interesting points raised section, but if you’re a fan like me, you must be a bit bored by now, every response to this episode has yielded the same questions which I don’t think hold much relevance at this time. How many times can we hear maybe Abbadon’s Walt from the future; they aren’t moving location, they are moving time; Claire is dead; it’s just grasping at straws there’s no hint of this except smoke and mirrors, and I’m pretty bored. Now, don’t go writing letters, no one loves this show more than I do, unless they are seriously deranged, and I am biting my nails until I see the finale, I just think this episode gave very little and I am disappointed that everywhere I look I’m seeing the same ideas, normally there are so many different ones but everyone’s just thinking the same thing.

Lost – 4.10 – Something Nice Back Home Recap By McLeron

2008-05-05T15:46:00.001+01:00

Previously on Lost: Nothing happened.

Open on a closed eye, which opens. A very similar opening to Eggtown, except here, we actually have something better to wake up to than two eggs and a melon. What could be better than two eggs and a melon I hear you ask? Why, two eggs and two melons of course! Juliet and her two melons bounce pendulously which gets a rise out of Jack, the owner of the eye. Bad choice of phrasing there, I guess. Outside Jack’s tent, there is a hubbub/furore/fracas/ruckus (not sure about the difference between them). Group B are ganging up on Charlotte and Daniel, Rose givin’ all her black Bronx sass, Jin not doing much. Last week, it was Charlotte who looked best from behind, here it’s Juliet (perhaps I should make that a regular feature?)

Jack tells ’em to calm down, he knows Charlotte and Daniel are lying, but sooner or later, someone will come to pick them up. Sun says smartly that there a situation may arise where Charlotte and Daniel run off again, and I’m like, what do you want Jack to do, Sun, what do you want him to do? Just shut up and listen to him, alright? What’s he supposed to do, send their little piggies to market? No, he’s going to ignore how a doctor is dead on the island but still alive on the freighter, because that’s all nonsense, and he has a degree and he’s better than that. I hate Sun. How has she survived so long? To reassure everyone, Jack makes a nervous speech ‘I said I was gonna get us of this island, all of us, I promised that I would’ Umm, you should see your flashforwards, mate. Then he collapses to the ground dying.

FLASH(SOMETHING) to Jack bare-chested in bed, and I mean bare. He used to own a Austin Powers like blanket of chest hair, and now he’s clean as a fiddle, he doesn’t even have any, like, scars around his stomach area, so it’s good to know he hasn’t been shot or maimed or anything. The phone rings. It’s his office, switching dates. Jack gets out of bed, and wraps a towel around his lower body, and picks up some red cobwebby knickers. Nice. Little did he realise that he would wear those for the 4 months he spends on the island. He stashes them in a drawer for later. He comes down the stairs, and I’m like, I know those stairs! If you’ve watched the ending of Eggtown as much as I have, you’d know. So we’re in a flashforward. Jack trips on Aaron’s toy Millennium Falcon, muttering ‘sonofabitch’ (way too much time with Sawyer), does the dishes (which as he is a man, consists of placing them gingerly in a sink), makes coffee, and checks the paper, presumably yesterdays. It has bad news, the Red Sox have been ‘bludgeoned’ (what’s a bludgeon, a noun or a verb?) by Lapidus’ team, the Yankees. He goes to the bathroom where Kate is showering. She says she brought him a razor. HA! How ironic! For two reasons, can you guess them? Hairy-Arms Kate gets out of the shower all wet and snogs Jack.

LOST

Jack is reading Alice in Wonderland to Aaron. Kate pervs on them. Aaron nods off so they leave. DAMN Kate looks hott! She’s wearing Jack’s huge shirt and disappointingly, some underwear. Kate says Jack’s sweet. Uh uh, lady, you’re the one who’s sweet. Jack mentions his dad used to read it to him. Kate says it’s nice to hear him say something nice about his dad. Jack is surprised he doesn’t say nice things about his dad. Mate, I’ve watched the show for three years now, I’ve only ever seen you mention your dad to Sawyer and Michael. Jack says his dad was one good story teller. Is that meant to be foreshadowing? Or is it backshadowing because we’re in the future? Though technically the past. He asks Kate if she’s ok. She says she just loves seeing Jack with Aaron, and he’s glad he changed his mind to come live with them. Jack predictably says ‘me too’. They start to make out, and omg, Juliet might have to replaced as hottest from behind of the week winner as Kate looks stunning.

Although she’s technically hot from the side. She straddles him, like how she did with her fiancé in her marriage episode, and like then, the man carries her off and she giggles. History repeats itself!

Back on the island, Juliet is being a great replacement Jack, being very calm and cool. Jack tries to lunge forward, but collapses again. Kate arrives concerned. Jack says he’s just dehydrated, but Kate knows better. Jack says he’s fine and soldiers on.

Sawyer, Claire, and Miles are making for the beach with baby in tow. Claire lets it slip that she’s been seeing things. Miles stops walking because he’s hearing echoes of the past. He asks who is Danielle and Karl. Aaw man, this ep was written by Eddie and Adam, my least favourite Lost writers. Where’s a Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof written episode?? They always write earth shattering episodes, like The Brig, and The Constant. 3 out of my top 5 Lost eps are written by them. Miles uncovers Danielle and Karl’s bodies. It upsets them all. Sawyer asks if Miles ‘buddies’ did this, and Miles nervously states that whatever he signed up for, this wasn’t part of it, and they are not his buddies. Claire gets really upset, and who can blame her, Rousseau and Alex saved her life once. Sawyer calms her down, and they leave.

At the beach, Juliet wants to check up on Jack. Jack reckons it’s food poisoning because of his symptoms. Juliet wants Jack to take off his shirt. Well, who doesn’t? Jack reluctantly does so, and Juliet's suspicions that it’s his appendix are confirmed. Juliet says they will have to remove it.

Juliet asks Sun to get supplies from the Staff if she can remember the way. Sun remembers. Juliet makes a list of the supplies but Sun is a lay person, she doesn’t know what a suture is, or even how to spell it. Daniel says he can help, but nobody trusts him. Jin says his second line of the episode ‘No’ making a grand total of 4 letters. Charlotte smugly says she told Daniel so. Daniel feels like he has hit the nail on the head and says that her attitude and manner is exactly why no one trusts them, and alienates them. Yeah, Charlotte was all sunshine and haribo before she got shot twice by Ben. Daniel convinces Juliet that he and Charlotte are scientists, and they don’t want anyone to get hurt – which is why Charlotte was going to bash Juliet’s head in with that wrench in 4.06. Juliet is sold, but just in case, she gets out Tom’s gun and gives in to Jin telling him to shoot them in the leg if they run. Yeah, Jin doesn’t speak English, he probably thinks you said ‘Shoot hen in the egg’ or something. Jules tells them to hurry.

Then she tells the rest of Group B to make a sterile environment. I hope she’s leader when Jack’s gone, she’s just like him, but slightly more relatable and approachable. She’s a doctor. She walks among them but is not one of them. Her flashbacks are interesting. Yeah, she’s a wicked leader. Kate asks why they don’t take Jack to the medical station if everything’s there, slightly echoing the gayest line in Lost history – Jack: We shouldn’t bring the water to the people *pause for effect* we should bring the people to the water. LAAAAAAME!!! Juliet doesn’t want to panic Kate or anything, but if she does that, Jack will DIE.

Charlie watches over Claire, oh no it’s Miles. Claire is rocking Aaron to sleep. Sawyer barges over and tell Miles not even to think about it. Miles and I say ‘think about what?’ Sawyer says to not even look at her. Josh Holloway is really funny in this scene, and tells Miles he has a restraining order.

Miles asks him, in a dramatic ironic style if he’s Claire’s big brother. It’s not the time to make jokes, as Sawyer threatens him.

Rose and Bernard are making a sterile environment. Bernard reassures Rose that Jack will be ok, an appendectomy is harder to say with a mouth full of mushrooms than perform on a beach. Rose says that she wasn’t thinking about that, she was worried WHY he got sick. Perhaps it’s because cellulose isn’t such a big part of our diet anymore. Bernard reckons its bad luck. The day before we’re supposed to get rescued? Says Rose. Now hold the phone, who said they were getting rescued tomorrow? This is the first I’ve heard about it all season. UGH!!! Eddie and Adam are the worst writers on Lost, they always screw something up. I know the season finale’s one episode away, and presumably the Oceanic 6 get rescued this season and thanks to Rose’s foreshadowing, ah cheers, now we know there’ll be a rescue attempt the next day. Spoilers! To be fair, though they wrote 6 episodes in 8 weeks whilst doing all sorts of stuff. I guess they were just badly rushed. Crikey, let’s get back to the point. Rose reckons there’s trouble afoot (what a bizarre word), people don’t get ill on the island, they get better. Except Ben, who had a tumour suddenly. Yeah Rose, there’s no point bringing attention to the bizarre circumstances of Jack’s illness as that definitely won’t get explained as all it is is just a stupid plot device to create tension with Kate and Juliet over Jack. Boring.

Juliet is shaving Jack’s chest. The last time she did an appendectomy was in her residency. Jack decides he wants to be awake during the surgery. Juliet doesn’t think that’s logistically possible, but he doesn’t care. Use a mirror if you have to, oh and er, I fancy Kate at the moment, get her to hold it.

FLASHFORWARD to Jack in his stride at St Sebastian's. He glimpses Christian Shepherd. Before he can confront him, an annoying colleague, who played Hawkins’ wife in Jericho, pesters him for some signatures or whatnot. Before they can disappear and make sweet *sweet* love on the operating table, or alternatively and most likely continue their discussion, they are interrupted by another employee, saying Dr Stillman is on hold for Jack. His friend at Santa Rosa is in need of visitation.

Cut to Jack walking along the corridor at the Mental Home. Dr Stillman tells him that ‘he’ is refusing to take his meds and has stopped sleeping. Therapy has been rendered useless because the patient doesn’t think the Doctor exists. Here I was hoping that as they weren’t revealing the patient’s name it would be John Locke, under an assumed name, sat there saying over and over ‘I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong’ Instead it’s mega-anti-climatic as it’s just Hurley. Booo! Jack asks him why he’s stopped taking his meds. Hurley says it’s because they are dead. All of the Oceanic 6 are dead and never got off the island. Now if someone starts believing these words I’m going to slap them. If they were dead, why would Sayid work for Ben? Jack says that isn’t true. Well played. Hurley asks Jack what he did today. Jack woke up, showered, fed the baby. Hurley interrupts to say, hang on, I thought you didn’t fancy her.

Jack says he changed his mind after the trial. Hurley thinks this over and decides Jack’s life is too good to be true. Just like heaven. Jack says that just because he’s happy doesn’t mean that it’s not real. Hurley says that he was happy until he started seeing things that weren’t there. Like Charlie. Jack asks what they talk about. Hurley says that Charlie said that Jack would visit him today. Impressive. Even more impressive is the message that Charlie made Hurley write down for when he came. Hurley pulls open his drawer and takes it out. It says ‘You’re not supposed to raise him, Jack’ Jack reacts badly to this and screws up his face and begins pacing the room. Who is ‘him’?? What do they mean by ‘raise’?? My first take on this is that Jack had been trying to raise Christian from the dead, but common sense and Richard Malkin’s palm reading says ‘raise’ means ‘nurture’ and ‘him’ means ‘Aaron’ Ugh, him is not a good choice of noun, it’s a pronoun. It only works after the noun being referred to has been mentioned. Jeez! Jack says it doesn’t make any sense, but his body language says it does. Hurley asks if Charlie means Aaron. Aah wicked, he picked up on the ambiguity. You know what, Hurley, why the FUCK didn’t you ask him when he made you write it???? FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!! UGH!! Jack tells Hurley to take his meds. Jack looks terrified as he says it. Jack makes to leave, but as he does, Hurley warns him that Charlie said someone’s going to be visiting him, too. SOON.

The volunteers find the Staff station and open it. Charlotte strides in confidently, but is waylaid (my, my phrasing gets stranger by the paragraph) by Daniel who chivalrously volunteers to go ahead of her, in case of dragons or rancors. Stunned by this kindness, Charlotte lets him.

Sun and Jin wonder aloud if Charlotte knows Daniel fancies her. They agree that Charlotte does know. Wow, what a tease. Charlotte flicks her head towards them in a blink and you miss it smile, which by the looks of Jin’s perturbed face, he picked up on.

Wait a minute? Charlotte speaks Korean? She doesn’t understand basic French after working in Tunisia, but comprehends Korean somehow. All linguists can understand a bit of French. The enter the secret room. Daniel wonders aloud where all the powers coming from. Charlotte says that’s another one for the list. Sun reminisces about the baby machine that told her she was going to die because Jin couldn’t resist those urges. No offence to Yunjin Kim, but I wouldn’t have had any trouble, there’s plenty of other island poontang to go around. Sun warns Jin that Charlotte and Daniel aren’t going to help them. Then the stupid subtitles obscure Charlotte’s nice arse. Jin calms Sun down and Charlotte earwigs them.

In the forest, Claire stumbles and Miles offers to help. This sets Sawyer off. Yeah, I didn’t see YOU offering to help, JAMES. They hear something and Sawyer cocks his weapon[sic]. It’s just harmless old Lapidus with a first aid kit. He warns them all that Keamy’s coming back and they need to hide – NOW! They do, and Frank stays out in the open. The soldiers arrive. One is badly injured, and yes, that wanker Keamy’s there. I hate the name Keamy. First it doesn’t register on spell check, and second it sounds almost appetising, like creamy. How is this knob not dead, what does Smokie have to do? Aaron hiccups, attracting the attention of, oh, everybody.

Frank grows anxious and tries to cajole them all to getting back to the helicopter. After a really well directed (and written [I guess]) bit of tension, Keamy decides to go back to the helicopter. We breathe a sigh of relief. If Hurley doesn’t ride over him in the Dharma van, I’m quitting this show.

Back on the bee-yotch, Juliet asks Kate to help with the surgery. Jack bustles out of the tent stupidly. Kate helps him to the operating tent, which I didn’t even know they had. Kate says it looks like he’s going to have her as his nurse and he laughs. I’m serious. He must have farted or something because it was not funny. I’m losing a lot of interest in this episode and I’m hoping Jack dies, because that will be the ultimate mindfuck and people will be wondering how he could possibly be alive in the flashforwards.

Speaking of which, FLASHFORWARD to Jack sitting sullenly in his car. He gets home and wakes a slumbering Kate from her…slumber. She asks Jack what’s wrong. He says that he is bothered by how Kate described him as a natural, reading to Aaron. He asks her if she honestly thinks he is good at this. She does. Jack proposes to her. Didn’t see that coming. I’m really surprised, actually. Kate says yes. But it’s not going to end well…

The Staff volunteers return with all the supplies and Juliet goes into action. Jin pulls Charlotte aside. He speaks to her in Korean and she acts like she can’t understand. Jin tells her that if she continues to lie he will break Daniel’s fingers one by one. She starts talking in Korean. He makes her promise that she will take Sun, at any or every cost. Sun has to be on the helicopter. Charlotte kinda says yes.

In the operating tent, Juliet is preparing, and Bernard recommends Jack be knocked out. Jack says he’ll be fine. Kate is there to hold the mirror so Jack can see Bernard injecting him. Juliet cuts him open. Jack winces

He starts getting stressed which visibly irritates Juliet. This wasn’t her stupid idea. He worries that he can’t see and Juliet says forget about the mirror, he’s lying open bleeding at the moment! Jack gets even more distressed and Juliet gives Bernard the OK to knock Jack out. The dialogue goes: ‘Kate’ ‘Kate, you need to leave, Bernard’ ‘Kate’ ‘Kate, you need to go, Bernard! Kate, get out of here! Bernard!’ ‘Jack’ ‘Kate, Kate! Get out of here! BERNARD DAMMIT!’ ‘Jack!!’ Eventually Jack goes unconscious and

FLASHFORWARDS to him on his late night, recording his diction in a Dictaphone, when there’s an irritating beeping. Here I thought, omg, Christian Shepherds going to appear and talk to Jack, then Jack will listen to the tape and hear Christian and the episode will be hailed as awesome, but no, he turns it off and then stops the smoke detector beeping. Then Christian calls out Jack’s name. Jack slowly walks over to Christian. Walk faster, dammit, it’s only a matter of time before you’re interrupted by a stupid annoying colleague. Christian sits forward to speak to Jack. Then they’re interrupted by a stupid annoying colleague. Jack looks back at where Christian was sitting but it’s empty. Jack breaks down and the annoying colleague just watches. Jack stutters and murmurs, looking really bad. Then if he couldn’t make things any worse, he cries. The colleague, Erica rolls her eyes and makes to leave, but Jack asks her for a prescription of Clonazepam (unsure of the spelling). Ohhhhh So It Begins INDEED. Erica writes him one. She advises him to talk to someone and Jack says he will (lying)

Jack comes home to hear his fiancé say ‘I’ll just get the nanny to stay a few hours…Jack’s never home before 8 anyway…I can stay for at least an hour’ Jack jangles his keys – IDIOT. Kate quickly hangs up and says that Jack scared her. Wow, Kate you are making a great job of looking innocent so far. Then she turns around. Well I’m sold – I love you Katherine Ann Austen-Shephard

Jack asks who was it. Kate says pours water in a glass and says it was Noreen. A name Jack’s never heard of. Kate looks at the fridge and says that Noreen is one of the mothers at the Day Care Centre. She asks him what’s wrong. Jack says:

Kate goes off to the bedroom and Jack looks miserable. Then he goes to the fridge and pours himself a glass. Then his eyes go round and he drops the glass dramatically. The glass breaks in slow motion and the camera does an extreme close up of the manufacturers print on the bottom of the glass: Noreen Glassblowers. They cut to Jack’s face looking shocked and then something amidst the scattered papers on the fridge catches his eye. A paper from The Day Care Centre. Jack frantically runs upstairs to find that Kate has made off with all his possessions and all this time was using a fake name and she turned out to be the Keyser Soze behind the curtain. Unfortunately, none of this happens. This episode keeps disappointing me over and over again. Jack scoffs his pills with a beer.

In the forest by the dangerously vigorous campfire, Claire awakes to find Aaron missing. But it’s ok, he’s being rocked by Christian Shepherd. Wow, he’s all over the place. Claire simply asks ‘Dad?’

Kate is pouting miserably outside the tent. Bernard comes out to console her, saying everything’s fine and she can go in. She does. Juliet is stitching Jack back up. Juliet classily apologises for yelling, then admits Jack kissed her. She asserts that it wasn’t meant for her, it was meant to prove to Jack that he loved someone else. Kate thanks her and leaves. Juliet curtly tells Jack that she knows he’s awake, and Jack play acts that he just woke up.

FLASHFORWARD to Jack sitting in Kate’s armchair, miserably. Kate arrives and they greet each other. From the bottles on the table, we can see Jack is very drunk. Kate wants to know what's up with Jack. Jack says that he went to see Hurley. Kate is surprised, Jack should have told her and she would have come. Jack laughs (for some reason) and tells her that Hurley is crazy and he would have upset her. Probably say something like ‘You’re not supposed to raise him, Kate’. Jack asks her where she was. She asks him to trust her. Why would he? He asks her again. She tells him to ‘don’t’. He wants to know who she was on the phone to last night. She tells him to just let it go. Never say that to Jack, mate, that’s a red rag to a bull. Jack says to wants to know. ‘TELL ME!’ he shouts. She says that she was doing something for him. For who? For Sawyer. Jack looks confused. Kate says something, and after rewatching 4 times it seems she said that she made him a promise. Jack looks very confused and says ‘what?’ Kate says it doesn’t matter and it has nothing to do with them as a couple. Jack then asks why she won’t tell him, and she says that Sawyer wouldn’t want her to. Jack points out that Sawyer isn’t here, Sawyer chose to stay, Jack’s the one who came back, the one who’s here, the one who saved her (as he may be listing these feats in chronological order, he is probably referring to saving her from a life in prison, rather than to an as yet unseen tribulation where Kate requires saving on the island. Then again, Jack’s saved Kate’s ass more times than Sawyer’s tapped it, so…) Kate has a random halo over her head

Kate tells Jack he can’t do this, and he has problems he needs to figure out, because it’s not good for her son. And thank god for Jack as he says ‘Your son?? You’re not even related to him!!!’ (He leaves out the bit where he says ‘and I am!’) This happy moment is disturbed by Aaron, who has is wide awake and obscuring his face with a killer whale so there is an opportunity for him to be played by another actor when the current one is too old. Jack looks heartbroken and leaves humiliated.

Sawyer wakes up in the forest. Miles wishes him a good morning and Sawyer says it’s way too early for Chinese. Erm, Sawyer, you killed Anthony Cooper, now you don’t have to be a knob anymore. He sees that Claire is gone, probably going for a wee…with her child, get a brain, Sawyer. Miles says that Claire just walked off into the jungle. Sawyer looks shaken. He asks when, and Miles tells him in the middle of the night. Sawyer criticises him for letting her go alone. Miles tells him that she wasn’t alone, she was with a guy named Christian Shephard. Jack’s dad? Sawyer asks. That’s odd, says Miles, she called him Dad too. Then BANG end of episode. But none of that happens, which would have been AWESOME, Miles only refers to Christian as her dad. Miles smartly tries to say he would have followed them, but Sawyer told him not to go near her. Not the time to be smart, Miles. Sawyer is about to shoot him, but he hears the comforting sound of Aaron crying. He runs towards it and finds Aaron stashed at the bottom of the tree. He picks him up and starts shouting for the spookily absent Claire.

LOST

Grading: C+

Interesting points raised: Jack doesn’t have a scar from the appendectomy in the future. Was that just a stupid mistake because the second half of the season has been rushed? Or it is like some deliberate thingy set up so they can show proof that travelling from the island can make your body revert to a younger shape

Perhaps this episode is clueing us up to what happens in the future, we won’t see Claire until season 5 as Sawyer bears Aaron up to the beach, and Kate takes over as surrogate and takes him off the island. Sawyer chooses to stay and find Claire. We now have a good idea why Jack is how he is in the series 3 flashforward.

The cast list for next week looks awesome. That is the only spoiler I’ve allowed myself to read, and Dickie Alpers, Creepy-Eyes Abbadon, Hozzaz Nicepace, and Jack’s dad are all in the episode

Other than that, there isn’t very much to discuss, so discuss other matters like why does Hugo refuse to explain why he’s called Hurley? What did Eko mean by ‘worse’ when Jin asked if he was married, where the hell’s the Hurley bird?

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Six

2008-04-10T01:01:00.000+01:00

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Six

SCENE 1: THE REMAINING CAST LUCKY ENOUGH TO STILL BE IN POSSESSION OF THEIR LIVES ARE STANDING AWKWARDLY IN WOMENS IN FRONT OF THE STAIRS, BAR SHAFA WHO REMAINS IN SOFT SLUMBER IN THE STAFFROOM. THIS LEAVES ISIS, ANA, KHUS, BLAKE, LAUREN, SHABANA, MARIGOLD, RAMSEY, IBRAHIM, PARDEEP, OSCAR, DOREEN, AND DOMINIK

KHUS: I have the fortunate news that I know the identity of the killer, and yes, before you ask, the guilty one is among us.

EVERYONE LOOKS SURPRISED AND GASPS.

SCREEN SUDDENLY GOES BLACK WITH A PRETENTIOUS QUOTE:

‘HE WHO CUTS THE FIREWOOD HEATS HIMSELF TWICE’ – LAO TZU

BLAKE STUDIES EVERYBODY’S EXPRESSION TO SEE SOME TELL TALE GUILT. IT APPEARS TO BE JUST SURPRISE.

KHUS: Yes, let that soak in…I know who you are.

PAUSE. KHUS LOOKS EVERYONE IN THE EYE, RESTING FINALLY ON ANA…THE CULPRIT.

KHUS: Ana!

ANA’S EYES WIDEN.

KHUS: You were found with amoxicillin in your locker. Are you aware that we found amoxicillin at the scene of the crime?

ANA: Um no…

KHUS: And it may interest you to know that the doctor who prescribed the antibiotic, was the very same doctor who prescribed your medication.

ANA: Well that’s just coincidence.

KHUS: Stop lying, Ana. You have been known to resent our expired store manager because of her fake exterior. I haven’t trusted you from the beginning. And I am sure it does not surprise you that we found a brown hair with flecks of light in it…Does it?? You have the next 5 minutes to come up with an explanation…Shabana!

SHABANA: ?

KHUS: I’ve had my reservations about you from day 1…which if you think about it, it is really still day 1…but there’s something about you, a bizarre mouse like ability to get yourself from point A to B without getting noticed. Ana said that you did not leave when we were all gathered around the stairs over there last night, but (OVERLY DRAMATIC PAUSE) you did leave…I noticed, and so did Blake. Isn’t that right, Blake?

BLAKE (A LA LI’L JOHN): Yeah!

KHUS: So where did you disappear to, when you silently left the floor? Let’s also not forget that, as I told Ana, we found a brown hair with lighter coloured parts on the manager’s dead body. If I’m not much mistaken, and take me to an opticians if I am, our manager’s hair is black? And does your hair not fit the description?

SHABANA: Umm…

KHUS: You have some explaining to do. I’m not finished with you, not by a long shot.

SHABANA: ?

KHUS: Pardeep

PARDEEP: What’s poppin?

KHUS: You were one of the first people to leave, to apparently ‘go to the vending machines’ I don’t trust you one jot or tickle. You go by the moniker Wasteman…

LAUREN (QUIETLY): Monica left ages ago

IBRAHIM (QUIETLY): What was that about your knickers?

RAMSEY (QUIETLY): What was that about her knockers?

MARIGOLD (QUIETLY): Who has no cars?

DOREEN (QUIETLY): Who got cussed?

OSCAR (QUIETLY): Who eats dust?

KHUS: A form of address you should be ashamed of, Pardeep. You might be operating under the pretence of being level headed, but clearly you are hiding something…Oscar!

OSCAR: Whhhaaaat, wha’you’waaaaan’?

KHUS: Well I just plain don’t like you. You were gone for an incredibly long period of time looking for Ibrahim and conveniently were still looking for him when Isis discovered her body. Let me just ask one thing: are you sorry she’s dead?

OSCAR: I’m sorry everybody is dead.

KHUS: Isis, you managed to conceal a long running relation through many angles and degrees of deception. However, I am wavering to grant you some licence as the relationship has been going on with my firm stock room friend, Blake. You lied for so long even fooling me. Admirable. Blake is convinced of your innocence, but you are a clearly an accomplished liar when you need to be.

ISIS: It’s not…

KHUS: Doreen. You did not leave the shop floor.

DOREEN: So I’m innocent?

KHUS: For now. If we turn to the guiltiest person in this mess so far, you, Dominik, you pathetic, witless, spineless, shady, backstabbing conniver of a man, you managed to steal under the noses of your fellow work mates, what’s to say you didn’t murder four people here tonight?

DOMINIK SILENTLY FUMES

KHUS: If there’s anything I hate more than a thief, it’s a murderer. Watch, you’ll go down…Marigold!

MARIGOLD: Yes?

KHUS: Consider yourself innocent. There’s absolutely no evidence to put you at the deaths of any of these people. In contrast to that, we have an overwhelming amount of evidence for you, Ibrahim.

IBRAHIM: Please not again.

KHUS: First, we have your long absence from the shop floor during the same timeframe as the murder. Second, we have you returning to the workers with blood on you. Third, you smell of gun smoke. Fourth, we have your attack on Lauren in the toilets. Fifth, the abundantly large amount of money occupying your locker. Six, no evidence of remorse over any of the deaths. Seven, ever since coming here you have displayed nought but hostility and violence, instability and substance abuse. Eight, it was well known you despised our deceased manager. Nine, Loic always stole your thunder in the stockroom.

IBRAHIM: er…

KHUS: I’m willing to discount reason number 8, as no one seems to have liked her.

IBRAHIM: You’ve lost a fucking wingnut, mate!

KHUS: Silence! You have a lot of problems Ibrahim, but I believe you when you say you did not kill anybody tonight.

IBRAHIM: Thank you! I was holding onto fucking Ramsey’s gay hand when Loic died.

KHUS: Well, interesting that you mention that, as it is clear to me that Ramsey has been concealing a secret all night, haven’t you Ramsey?

RAMSEY (GUILTILY): Umm…no…

KHUS: It’s not going to stay a secret for long. You might as well say it now. Nothing?

RAMSEY: I’ve got nothing to say.

KHUS: Well who does that leave?

ONLY LAUREN IS LEFT

KHUS: Lauren…you left the floor after being humiliated by Anis and Matt. Also you hated ‘Frumps’ because she bullied you. Does anyone else notice how everyone who annoys Lauren ends up dead? Look out Ibrahim.

LAUREN: It’s honestly not me.

KHUS: Really? It would make perfect sense to me. But shut up. Enough speculating. Let me show you who the killer is.

KHUS, WHO HAD BEEN STANDING IN FRONT OF THE JAR OF JAM, MOVES SIDEWAYS SO EVERYBODY CAN SEE IT.

LAUREN: Jam…is the killer?

SCREEN SUDDENLY GOES BLACK WITH A PRETENTIOUS QUOTE:

‘EVERY DAY I GET PEOPLE ASKING ME WHAT’S MY SECRET OF SUCCESS…AND I ALWAYS REPLY WITH THE ANSWER: JAM’ – CAB CALLOWAY

PARDEEP: He’s crazy.

KHUS: Negative, folks, the jam is not the killer. The jam belongs to the killer. Who owns the jam?

DOREEN: Del Monte?

KHUS: Someone shut her up

BLAKE: That’s Oscar’s jar of jam

EVERYBODY GASPS. OSCAR LOOKS SHOCKED HE’S BEEN FOUND OUT.

OSCAR: Fucker fuck off no way fuck you go.

KHUS: Does it not make sense? Let me explain. Oscar left the shop floor supposedly looking for Ibrahim. Ibrahim says he was in the stockroom, in actual fact he wanted to hide in the toilets and watch either Ana or Isis go, but he was too late. He milled around then returned afterwards. In that time when Oscar was looking for him, Oscar, one of the only people who knew the code to the manager’s office, opened the door and shot the manager in the face with malice. But let me not get ahead of myself. Only a weekday person would have been able to murder the visuals Ola and Emma, as they only work weekdays. Poor Margaret, was loathed by Oscar as she was shaping up to be a better supervisor than him, and Karen was going to promote her. So let me recap: he killed Margaret out of jealousy and greed. He then killed Ola and Emma, who he lived with so he could relax in solitude. I am surprised no one instantly turned to him when we found out they were murdered, as it was common knowledge the three of them lived together, surely Oscar would have mentioned something throughout the day about them not being there? No, he didn’t. And then Matt graffitied the fridge, causing everybody to be held behind. This was his perfect opportunity. He left the floor when he could, and shot the manager with a silenced pistol. Then he left off to some other area and waited for someone else to discover the body so he could act surprised. Then he went over to the body under the pretence of looking for the door keys, knowing forensic investigators would search for hairs. He left behind a single long light brown hair, and unwittingly a blob of jam he had taken from the jar when he was hiding, which Blake and I mistakenly thought was blood, when he stole the keys. Oscar, empty your pockets!

EVERYBODY LOOKS AT OSCAR EXPECTANTLY. OSCAR ANGRILY LOOKS BACK. THEN HE PULLS OUT THE DOOR KEYS. EVERYBODY GASPS.

OSCAR: I can explain…

KHUS: Oh no, I can explain. Oscar stole the keys from her body in front of everyone and pretended that there was no escape. Then he was placed upstairs by me, and when the lights blew, he withdrew his gun, wrapped it in cashmere, which is found only on the adult’s floor. I should have guessed sooner that it could only have been Lauren, Isis, Anis, or him.

MARIGOLD: But how could he see in the dark?

KHUS: Have you ever seen Oscar eat lunch? Every meal is full of beta-carotene…Carrots. The vitamin A makes one’s eyes healthy and better at seeing in the dark than usual. He shot Loic, and then Delicia who he saw was holding his hand, discarded the cashmere sweater he used to muzzle the gun, then ran back upstairs, where Anis returned from his journey to, I believe, the toilets. Then Oscar came to Blake and I and told us that Anis had gone off the floor before the blackout, which was classic misdirection, and I’m sorry to say I fell for it. In that time he discarded the gun somewhere, and he was deeply insulted by Anis, so in a rage, he stabbed Anis to death, and then everything turned to hell from there.

EVERYONE IS SHOCKED…

BLAKE: um…actually Khus, I believe you are wrong.

KHUS: Wrong? How could I possibly be wrong? Everything’s been tied up in a nice little package. It’s Oscar

BLAKE: I don’t think so.

KHUS: Why?

BLAKE: Well, you neglected to say that we found tablets for epinephrine, tamoxifen, amoxicillin and hydrogen peroxide

KHUS: And?

BLAKE: Either our store manager was a drug fiend or she had a very specific certain disease.

ANA: And what disease did she have?

BLAKE: There is a disease that targets women called McLeron’s Disease. The first symptom in women is the shakes. Next, they feel twinges in their lower extremities. Then back pain. Then anal fissures. Then the most painful death in the world, where the inside of the body expands to a size greater than the outside of your body and you corrode.

LAUREN: Death? She was going to die anyway?

BLAKE: Don’t get ahead of yourself, Lauren. She wasn’t going to die. However, she thought she was. She did display each and every one of those symptoms, but she wasn’t going to die.

SHABANA: Why not?

BLAKE: Because we are making one very big incorrect assumption. Let’s go right down to the basics…what was she?

LAUREN: A manager

BLAKE: More basic than that

LAUREN: A store manager for the retail company…

BLAKE: I said basic, you’re thinking too literally. Think laterally. What was she? I’m not asking for her job

DOREEN: She was in her late forties

BLAKE: Simpler

MARIGOLD: She was a woman

BLAKE: Snap!

KHUS: What?

BLAKE: We all made the assumption that she was a she

KHUS: We what??

SCREEN SUDDENLY GOES BLACK WITH YET ANOTHER PRETENTIOUS QUOTE:

‘SHE’S A LADY. WHOA WHOA WHOA SHE’S A LADY’ – TOM JONES

BLAKE: Yes, she certainly looked like a woman

ISIS (QUIETLY): If you squinted

BLAKE: But she had male pseudo hermaphroditism. See we all start out as girls, but we’re differentiated based on our genes…the ovaries develop into testes and drop, but about one in a hundred and fifty thousand pregnancies a foetus with an XY chromosome, a boy, develops into something else…like her, er him. His testes never descended because he was immune to testosterone, he was pure oestrogen, hence the heightened female characteristics: bossiness, bitchiness, general per-heff-ery

LAUREN: That’s impossible

BLAKE: No, it isn’t. Ask Ibrahim or Ramsey

ANA: Ah?

BLAKE: They both knew. Didn’t you?

THEY ARE SILENT

BLAKE: See as we all know, Ibrahim likes to hide out in the toilets and watch girls go. One day he had the unfortunate luck to be privy to Frumps’ privies. He saw her testicles.

LAUREN: So she knew?

BLAKE: No HE did not know that HE was a man

PARDEEP: How come?

BLAKE: Have you seen his waistline? He wouldn’t even be able to see his toes.

PARDEEP: True

BLAKE: But I digress…

LAUREN: Hang on, she must have felt it

BLAKE: I think you’re giving him too much credit. I seriously doubt he checked around there, or even washed around it

DOREEN: That’s disgusting

PARDEEP: That’s rank

LAUREN: But wait, she had a kid!

BLAKE: Seriously, if he had a kid, don’t you reckon the other parent would have come calling around now. Come on, fix up, look sharp.

ANA: She lied?

BLAKE: He lied

SHABANA: But you said she didn’t know she was a guy

BLAKE: He assumed he was a woman from her facial features and how her parents raised him…man these pronouns are starting to confuse me.

DOREEN: You’re telling me.

BLAKE: He truly believed he was a woman, but he invented the lie that he had a husband and a kid to make himself sound like he had someone loving back at home waiting for him.

LAUREN: That’s so sad

GHOST OF ANIS: And so’s yer face

BLAKE: Like I said, we’re getting off topic. Ibrahim found this out and the first person he told was Ramsey. Ramsey also has a secret.

RAMSEY: You are joking

BLAKE: Don’t protest, Ramsey. That money in Ibrahim’s locker came from you, bribing him not to tell the manager himself.

RAMSEY: Why would I do that?

BLAKE: I’ll tell you why…or maybe Ibrahim can

IBRAHIM: He blatantly loved her, it was bare bate.

BLAKE: Is it not true that when you were young, you and your parents got mauled by a bear in Canada?

RAMSEY: Yes, but I don’t see…

BLAKE: And is it not true that our dead store manager kinda looks like a bear.

ISIS: I’d say a moose

RAMSEY: Yes…it’s true…it was an unrequited love for her…him

EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM IN SHOCK

LAUREN: And you still fancied her, even when you knew she was a guy?

RAMSEY: Yes

DOMINIK: Wow…

RAMSEY: Dunno how the fuck he worked it out though.

KHUS: I’d like to know that too

BLAKE: I’m surprised no one else didn’t.

EVERYONE LOOKS EXPECTANTLY

BLAKE: Remember when we found the body? What was the first thing Matt said? It was ‘Damn, what hairy shoulders’ Women don’t have hairy shoulders. They have furry faces, necks, backs, even breasts, but a woman doesn’t have any hair on her shoulders. A man however…Khus, look at yours

KHUS: My neck doesn’t bend that way.

BLAKE: Then when I found out Ramsey had been mauled by a bear, I just pieced it all together.

PARDEEP: You got all that from that?

BLAKE: I was right, wasn’t I?

KHUS: Ok, so she was a man, very interesting, how does this absolve Oscar of his guilt?

BLAKE: The thing we have to come back to is the pills. She thought she had McLeron’s Disease, which Sabrina diagnosed her with because of her symptoms, a disease that targets WOMEN. The same symptoms in a man, is the harmless Golf Balls

LAUREN: Golf balls?

BLAKE: Similar to Tennis Elbow.

LAUREN: Oh

BLAKE: So don’t you see? She thought she was going to die, when she wasn’t! Which is why she asked someone to euthanize her.

KHUS: Which was?

BLAKE: Shafa

EVERYONE GASPS

LAUREN: SHAFA killed her? I mean him?

BLAKE: If we’re going to point fingers and say who killed her, technically Sabrina killed her by diagnosing her with McLeron’s disease. Technically Ramsey killed her by bribing Ibrahim not to tell her. Technically Ibrahim killed her by taking the bribe.

IBRAHIM: No I’m not taking that responsibility, it’s just a coincidence she came in to the toilet and I saw her testicles

BLAKE: Well, you chose to be a skeezy perv and hide there, so don’t think you’re innocent.

KHUS: Wait up, it’s not Shafa, she was here the whole time that night.

BLAKE: No, Shafa did not actually commit the act. She was approached by Frumps to do it and she could not so she confided in the man who loved her, and the sick bastard killed the manager

LAUREN: The man who loved her? Anis?

KHUS: But he’s dead

BLAKE: The reason it’s called a triangle is because it has three sides. We’ve got Shafa and Anis. That makes two. I think we all know number three

EVERYBODY LOOKS AT KHUS. KHUS LOOKS SHOCKED

BLAKE: Khus shot the manager, so Shafa would love him. However, on seeing what this psychopath could do, she fainted and has not come out of her reverie.

SHABANA: All this time…Shafa knew?

BLAKE: To be fair, all this time, Shafa’s been unconscious.

LAUREN: This is so weird!

BLAKE: Khus killed Frumps then shot Delicia and Loic to divert people from trying to solve the mysteries themselves. In doing so he managed to rid the two strongest people in the store, create a panic and shoulder the blame onto his greatest irritation: Anis.

IBRAHIM: Wait, so if Anis was his scapegoat, then why did he kill him straight away?

BLAKE: I thought I covered this, didn’t I say someone loved Frumps?

IBRAHIM: Yes, but…

BLAKE: Khus uses guns. Anis was stabbed. This poor innocent man was murdered because Khus told everybody Anis was the killer, and the one sad git who loved our manager then sought revenge.

EVERYONE, EVEN KHUS, TURNS THEIR HEAD TO LOOK AT RAMSEY AGAIN.

MARIGOLD: You…killed Anis?

LAUREN: Which then meant Matt killed himself, then David killed himself

ANA: Techically you killed David.

LAUREN: Shut up, Ana

DOREEN: Sorry this is too much. I don’t even know who the killer is anymore

BLAKE: Oh without a doubt the true killer is Khus and don’t anybody forget it. Ramsey was manipulated by the propaganda propagated by Khus to kill Anis. The only thing I haven’t worked out is why Khus said he had solved the case and ended up blaming Oscar. Why Oscar?

KHUS (SPITTING) Because I’ve been here for 8 years like clockwork, and Oscar was here 5 minutes and got made a supervisor. That’s why Margaret got killed too.

EVERYONE IS SHOCKED

MARIGOLD: And the visuals?

KHUS: You sales associates are too busy getting ridden by customers to realise the ongoing war between visuals and stock

BLAKE: Well, that’s true, if Loic was here he’d back me up

GHOST OF LOIC: Truesay

ANA: Wait, so why did Oscar steal the door keys trapping us here

BLAKE: Oscar?

OSCAR: I…(BRINGS HIMSELF TO SAY IT) wanted to spend some time with Doreen

DOREEN: Aaaaaaawww

SHE HUGS HIM

KHUS: But, Blake, Occam’s Razor…

BLAKE: Ah Occam’s Razor is a crock of shit, you know, I’m surprised no one didn’t suspect Khus instantly

ANA: That’s easy for you to say

MARIGOLD: Yeah, what makes you say that?

BLAKE: Ok, he stepped up to solve the murder, right, seeing as the entire store is under 24 hour surveillance from the LP room, don’t you think we could have found out the killer instantly? When the lights went out, Khus said they don’t keep those rooms locked – a true person willing to solve the case would have instantly checked the cameras

ISIS: Oh my god…

MARIGOLD: How could you have let him go on killing people for so long?

BLAKE: Well, I had my suspicions, I keep my cards close to my chest, you dig? That’s why I never let him go near my baby girl. (KISSES ISIS ON THE HEAD IN HER BEAUTIFUL HAIR)

MARIGOLD: So you just let Delicia and Loic die?

BLAKE: Well, nah, I was buddied up with Khus and didn’t notice him do anything in the dark, but it was clearly him. Then Anis died and I got shook because I was with Khus when it happened. Then I saw the pills and worked it out. The jam on her head was a mystery, but Oscar obviously left it there when he stole the keys. Don’t blame him, though, or even Oscar. None of this would have even happened if it weren’t for Khus…and technically Matt…and actually Sabrina, and…ah fuck it we’re all to blame, but Khus, here is the real murderer, not Ramsey

LAUREN: Khus, you’re a freak!

KHUS PULLS OUT A GUN FROM THE BACK OF HIS TROUSERS. ALL THIS TIME IT HAD BEEN HIDDEN BY HIS WHITE SHIRT. HE AIMS IT AT LAUREN. LAUREN SCREAMS.

KHUS: Say that again, say that AGAIN, I dare ya, I double dare ya, you motherfucker,

LAUREN FEARFULLY COVERS HER FACE. KHUS AIMS THE GUN AT OSCAR. EVERYBODY IS FRICKIN TENSE. NO ONE MOVES. SOME RANDOM MOUSTACHIOED BORAT LOOKALIKE CUSTOMER OUTSIDE TRIES TO OPEN THE LOCKED DOOR THINKING THAT YES, THE STORE WOULD BE OPEN AT 8 ON A SUNDAY. THIS DISTRACTION CAUSES KHUS TO PANIC AND PULL THE TRIGGER. ALL THE GIRLS AND DOMINIK SCREAM. DOREEN DIVES IN FRONT OF OSCAR TO SAVE HIM BUT SHE’S WAAAAY TOO SMALL TO HAVE ANY EFFECT AS A SHEILD, EVEN IF THE BULLET HAD EVEN HIT HER. SHE PATHETICALLY MISSES THE BULLET AND OSCAR GETS SHOT IN THE CHEST. HE FALLS TO THE GROUND AND IS TENDED TO BY DOREEN. BLAKE HEROICALLY RUGBY TACKLES KHUS INTO A T STAND KNOCKING IT OVER. KHUS LOSES GRIP ON THE GUN AND IT GOES CLATTERING ACROSS THE FLOOR. KHUS MANAGES TO FREE HIMSELF FROM BLAKE’S GRIP, PUNCHES HIM TO THE FLOOR AND RUNS FOR THE GUN. HE STUMBLES AND HAS TO STOP BECAUSE PARDEEP FLICKED AN ELASTIC BAND AT HIS EYE AND SCORED. HE STARTS RUNNING BUT IBRAHIM DIVES ACROSS THE FLOOR AND SENDS THE GUN INTO THE BODY SECTION. IBRAHIM RUNS FOR THE GUN, BUT KHUS FISHHOOKS HIM WITH A NEARBY HANGER. IBRAHIMS CHEEK GETS CUT OPEN AND HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR SHRIEKING, BLOOD GOING BESERK GUSHING OUT OF HIS HEAD. ANA AND ISIS ARE SCREAMING IN PANIC AT ALL THE BLOOD FROM OSCAR AND IBRAHIM. KHUS GETS THE GUN AND SWINGS IT ROUND AIMING IT AT PARDEEP IN REVENGE FOR THAT ELASTIC BAND STUNT. KHUS DOESN’T NOTICE SHABANA COMING OUT OF BODY FITS BEHIND HIM WITH A CHROME BAR AND SHE WALLOPS HIM AROUND THE HEAD WITH IT. IT HURTS LIKE HELL BUT HE DOESN’T FALL OVER OR DROP THE GUN. HE TURNS ROUND TO AIM AT SHABANA BUT SHE HITS HIM AROUND THE FACE THIS TIME. KHUS IS LITERALLY THROWN INTO THE AIR AND FALLS AGAINST A MANNEQUIN, DROPPING THE GUN. SHABANA PICKS UP THE GUN BUT KHUS RECOVERS TOO QUICKLY AND GRABS THE MANNEQUINS ARM AND BASEBALL BATS SHABANA IN THE FACE WITH IT

KHUS: See how you like it, you damn mousy bitch!

SHABANA HEROICALLY THROWS THE GUN OVER TO LAUREN BEFORE GETTING WHACKED BY THE BAD END OF THE MANNEQUIN’S ARM. LAUREN TRIES TO CATCH THE GUN BUT MISSES. ANA PICKS THE GUN UP AND TRIES TO AIM IT AT A RAPIDLY ADVANCING KHUS. SHE’S WAILING AND SHAKING TOO MUCH TO AIM IT PROPERLY. SHE DECIDES TO THROW THE GUN AT KHUS’S HEAD INSTEAD. IT BOUNCES OFF HIS BONCE WITH A CLUNK INTO ISIS’ HANDS. SHE COCKS THE GUN AT HIM AND PULLS THE TRIGGER TWICE AT POINT BLANK. THE FIRST SHOT GETS HIM IN THE SHOULDER BUT SHE’S SHAKING SO MUCH THE SECOND SHOT MISSES HIM. KHUS YELLS IN PAIN, HOLDS HIS HAND TO HIS SHOULDER AND DIVES AT ISIS. SHE DROPS THE GUN TERRIFIED AND HE GRABS HER AND PULLS HER UP BY THE HAIR AND PUNCHES HER BRUTALLY IN THE FACE.

LAUREN’S BRAIN: Ugh! What can I do?

SHE SUDDENLY GETS AN IDEA. SHE RUNS UP TO KHUS AND JUMPS ON HIS BACK. KHUS LETS GO OF ISIS’ HAIR. LAUREN UNFASTENS HER GAP BADGE AND JAMS THE NEEDLE INTO KHUS’ LEFT EYE WITH A SICKENING SQUELCH. SHE IS DISGUSTED AND GETS OFF KHUS. KHUS SCREAMS IN PAIN AND PULLS THE BADGE OUT AND TURNS TO WHAT HE THINKS IS LAUREN. ONE EYE HAS BEEN STABBED AND THE OTHER EYE IS FUZZY FROM THE ELASTIC BAND. IF ONLY MATT OR ANIS WAS HERE TO SAY SOME OFF COLOUR JOKE ABOUT A ‘ONE EYED MONSTER’ KHUS KICKS LAUREN IN THE CROTCH BUT HE ACTUALLY KICKED HER REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR NEXT TO THE STAIRS. THE MIRROR SHATTERS AND KHUS REALISES THAT SHE IS STANDING NEXT TO IT. HE THINKS HE SEES THE GUN ON THE SIDE OF THE CASHWRAP AND PICKS IT UP. HE FIRES IT BUT IT’S ACTUALLY A LABEL MAKER. HE THROWS IT ASIDE ANGRILY AND GOES OVER TO LAUREN TO SNAP HER NECK. MARIGOLD LUCKILY TAKES THE INITIATIVE AND SHE SHINES THE LASER FROM AN LRT GUN INTO HIS BETTER EYE. KHUS GETS SEVERELY DISORIENTATED. BLAKE COMES TO.

KHUS: Argh you little cunts! Where the fuck are you! I’m going to kill you all, if it’s the last thing I ever do! ARGH!

RAMSEY: You’ve already done the last thing you’ll ever do.

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for Delicia

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for Loic

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for Matt

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for David

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for Frumps

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS IN THE HEAD

RAMSEY: And THAT’S for making me a murderer for killing Anis

KHUS’ BODY JERKS WITH EACH GUN WOUND BUT DOESN’T EVER ACTUALLY FALL OVER. THE LAST SHOT IN HIS HEAD MAKES HIM TRY TO LOOK UP AT HIS FOREHEAD. HE ALMOST COMICALLY CAN’T SEE WHAT'S THERE SO HE KEEPS LOOKING UP UNTIL HE PUTS HIS HEAD BACK SO FAR HE LOSES BALANCE AND FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS.

MARIGOLD: Oh my god

PARDEEP: Shit, man

LAUREN: Oh my god

ANA: Oh my god

BLAKE: He’s gone, isn’t he?

RAMSEY: He’s definitely dead

BLAKE: Is everyone ok? (GASPS) Isis!

BLAKE RUNS AFTER ISIS AND CHECKS HER INJURIES. SHE’S NOT HURT AS BADLY AS SHABANA OR IBRAHIM, BUT BLAKE DOESN’T LEAVE HER. HE LOOKS INTO HER MOUTH THEN MUNCHES ON IT. IT’S ROMANTIC ENOUGH. I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE FOR IT TO SEEM MORE ROMANTIC. I’LL LEAVE IT TO YOUR IMAGINATION

ISIS (PAINED): I need a fag

DOMINIK: Yes, me too

ANA: What a night

LAUREN: I can’t believe all this time she was a guy.

BLAKE: Yes, you can

THERE’S A BANG AT THE DOOR. EVERYONE JUMPS. IT’S GUILIANA OPENING THE STORE. SHE ENTERS.

GUILIANA: Oh! What are you all doing here?

BLAKE: Khus went crazy and shot lots of people

GUILIANA: What happened??

DOREEN: He shot Oscar

GUILIANA: Oh my gooood why no one called an ambulance?

ISIS: The phones are down.

GUILIANA: Here use mine

SHE PASSES THE PHONE OVER TO ISIS. BLAKE MAKES THE CALL

GUILIANA: So what happened?

LAUREN: Khus killed Frumps and then Delicia and Loic, he blamed Anis for it so Ramsey killed him in revenge then Matt killed himself because Anis died, then David killed himself because Matt killed himself and then Khus blamed Oscar for all the deaths but then Blake worked out it was Khus and then Khus shot Oscar, then we all tried to fight Khus then Ramsey shot him, saving us all.

GUILIANA: Frumps?

LAUREN: You know who I mean

GUILIANA: Where’s Khus’ body?

LAUREN: It fell down the stairs

GUILIANA SCAMPERS OVER TO HAVE A LOOK.

GUILIANA: Lauren, there is no body here

LAUREN: What??

GUILIANA: There’s no Khus downstairs

LAUREN RUNS OVER TO LOOK

IT’S TRUE. THE BLOOD COVERED STAIRS ARE DESERTED.

THERE’S NO BODY.

LAUREN SCREAMS. ANA COMES OVER. ANA SCREAMS

ANA: Where…is…he???

PARDEEP: Calm down, Waste girl, me and Ramsey just carried the body upstairs. He’s over in front of the cashwrap.

ANA PUNCHES PARDEEP

LAUREN: You idiot, we thought…ugh! You’re such a loser!

ANA, LAUREN, AND GUILIANA WALK OVER TO THE CASHWRAP TO LOOK AT KHUS’ BODY.

IT’S EMPTY

LAUREN: Pardeep, he’s not here!!

ANA SCREAMS

PARDEEP: I said ‘behind’ the cashwrap.

LAUREN LOOKS OVER. KHUS’ BODY IS THERE. THEY SIGH.

GUILIANA: Pardeep!

LAUREN: You said ‘in front’

PARDEEP: I said ‘behind’!

LAUREN: You said ‘in FRONT’ of the cashwrap

PARDEEP: Why you lying for?

LAUREN: You’re such a loser

PARDEEP: Lauren.

LAUREN: What?

PARDEEP: So’s your face

SHABANA: Innit.

LAUREN: Ugh!!

AND THERE WE HAVE IT. THE END. THE FINAL MONTAGE OF MUTED IMAGES IS PLAYED UNDER THE SONG WITHIN YOU BY RAY LAMONTAGNE. THE AMBULANCE PICKS UP OSCAR AND IBRAHIM AND THEIR LIVES ARE SAVED. SHAFA WAKES UP AFTER TWO DAYS AND ADMITS TO KNOWING ABOUT KHUS’ PYSCHOTICNESS. DOREEN HOOKS UP WITH OSCAR. IBRAHIM HAS A FACE WITH A HOOK SCAR. RAMSEY HAS TO SERVE TIME FOR MURDERING ANIS, SHOT OF HIM SOBBING IN HIS CELL, BUT GETS OFF WITH GOOD BEHAVIOUR AFTER EIGHT MONTHS. DELICIA AND LOIC ARE REMEMBERED AS HEROES. MATT IS REMEMBERED AS AN IDIOT. DAVID ISN’T REMEMBERED. FIFTY YEARS LATER, PEOPLE STILL TALK IN HUSHED VOICES ABOUT THE RANDOM PHANTOM OF THE SHOP FLOOR, KHUSRAO HAKIMI. AN OLD INTERRACIAL COUPLE HOLD THEIR HANDS AND LOOK SOMBRELY AT THE GRAVESTONES OF THE MANAGER, DELICIA, LOIC, ANIS, MATT, DAVID AND KHUS, WITH A POLISH POLISHER IN THE BACKGROUND. THEY ARE JOINED BY ANOTHER OLD INTERRACIAL COUPLE. THE MAN IS LIMPING, WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE I SWEAR OSCAR GOT SHOT IN THE CHEST, NOT LEG. THEY STARE AT THE GRAVES SILENTLY AND THEN WALK OFF

THE AUTHOR WOULD ESPECIALLY LIKE TO THANK LAUREN ‘AUSTIN’ AUSTIN HARVEY, ANIS ROGER ALAMGIR, MATT JACK HAYOUKANE, KHUS DENNIS HAKIMI, ANA PHYLLIS VITORINO, CLEMENTINE BERTHA-GERTRUDE-DORIS-MAVIS-ETHEL WILDING TAYLOR AND RAMSEY ALBERTRAMBONOSCARYGRANTBOVINNYJONESTORICKEITHCLIFF HASSAN, WITHOUT WHOM THIS SCRIPT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN WRITTEN.

Oh, and all names and places in this story are completely fictional. Any similarities to persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

BLOOD ON THE SHOP FLOOR STARRED:

Special Guest Stars