Lost Q&A at the Curzon cinema

Initial thank yous, then showed a recap video of Lost,
D&C confirmed that Stranger In A Strange Land was the turning point for the studio, and they were allowed to establish an end date.
Jack’s beard is bad.
16 episodes next year, but 18 hours of Lost. Jack Bender confirmed a two hour season premiere, and a two hour finale.
After Lost, they will go in to hiding for a while, due to the inevitably interpretive quality to the series ending.
Damon: You are married to your destiny, you can try to avoid it, but it will catch up to you. This is why Charlie shut the door in the Looking Glass station, because he embraced his death.
Sometimes they get pointers from the studio, telling them stuff is too outlandish. Originally, in the season four premiere, Hurley was going to come across himself in Jacob’s cabin, but the network urged them to change the scene to Christian Shepherd, afraid it would set a precedent of weirdness. With season six, there won’t be any of that
Q: What was your favourite scene to watch or write?
CC: The scoring session we attended for the raft’s launch at the end of Exodus . These musicians were playing this incredible music without having rehearsed it, and the moment was so beautiful, there were tears in the control booth. That was just one of those great moments where you felt this blessed synergy of all these talented collaborators all come together and make Lost what it is.
JB: I love all of them
DL: I have many...but for me, during season one, when we first started writing the show coming out of the pilot, when it first started revealing itself, was really cool. I’m drawn to scenes that take place with just two characters and somehow they’re talking about very very heady things and I’m a huge fan of whenever Jack and Locke talk to each other. We’ve been very judicious in having those guys talk to each other, it happens very rarely. I go back back to White Rabbit and that 6 or 7 minute long scene where they’re just sitting in the jungle and Jack says he’s following the impossible and Locke says what if it’s not impossible and we were all put here for a reason, and that scene is the genesis for those guys’ relationship and if you think about how that was the 3rd episode shot out of the pilot, here we are now, 100 episodes later, and now Jack is finally saying ‘Y’know, Locke might be onto something’
CC: Jack’s kinda slow.
DL: It had to permeate through his beard
Q: My wife is fascinated with the artistry of delivering this idea into a script. We had, in a video podcast last year, a glimpse into the writers’ room and she’s fascinated that you get the idea and put it into a script
CC: We have a call centre in Delhi. We just ask them ‘we need a flashforward this week’
DL: We have a minicamp before we write, where we just discuss the season with the writers, the character arcs and we decide on the season’s final image so we know exactly our beginning and where we’re trying to get to. Once we start writing the show on a week-to-week episode basis it gets a bit more intense
CC: We spend a lot of time breaking each aspect of the story and once we have the story worked out from beginning to end, we’ll put it up on whiteboard and then pitch it back to ourselves, and we’ll have scenes in different colours, withan on island story, an off island story, and a C-story, split it into six acts for the commercial breaks and structure it so you’ll wanna come back after each act. Then we’ll give it to some writers to rewrite and send back, and we’ll give our notes, make some changes
Q: Jack was originally a protagonist for the show, but he seems to have gotten more antagonistic as it goes on. Was this intentional?
JB: Matthew Fox loved the idea of wearing the not so flattering jumpsuits and his character beginning to let go of his heroic side, which people accuse me of, taking Jack Shepherd’s character.
DL: Basically Jack spent a hundred hours majorly rejecting it, there was no purpose whatsoever to the island and now he’s come back in the 70s and he’s still waiting to be told ‘Here’s what you’re supposed to do’ and then when he is told what to do, he then gets to decide what he is going to do, so basically it’s contingent on what he feels his mission is.
Q: Can we get more Lost screenings where you project episodes in a cinema like this?
CC: I think so. It’s a good idea and it may happen in some form or other
Q: On the official website, there was a video of behind the scenes and you went into your offices and you had a wall of whose dead and whose alive, I want to know about Claire being on the wall of dead
[shocked gasps from audience]
DL: Are you absolutely sure
Q: I am
DL: [explains wall of alive, dead, undead] Well, uh, if you say you saw her there, I don’t know what to tell you.
JB: I think her agent slipped it in there
DL: She is going to be back on the show.
CC: Eventually all of them will be on the wall of the dead.
Q: My question is about the fate of Lost, because I know it ends with season 6, but do you think because of Bryan Fuller with Pushing Daisies continuing it in a comic book, and I love Ultimate Wolverine vs Hulk (Damon’s comic) and with Lost it has a disjointed timeline and it comes together in the end, do you think that you’ll do any spin offs in a comic book form?
DL: We feel that if we hold anything back for the final season of the show, it will be bad. People have come along this far, and they need a conclusion.
Q: You make a lot about the characters searching for their destiny and their purpose, do you feel that you yourselves had a purpose in your own lives being involved in the show, or you’ve learned something about life from doing it?
CC: I think as writers we use the show to explore personal issues, spiritual or otherwise. We’re mainly concerned by how much faith and how much control do you have over your own destiny, something which is very fascinating to us, and obviously season 5 was an exploration of that with the time travel leading to an event at the end of the season, so that is going to be something we’re going to explore a lot on the final season of the show. The writers room is diverse and that diversity gets worked out in the characters.
Q: What’s Brian K. Vaughan like?
DL: Unfortunately he has left for greener pastures. When he first came on the show Jorge Garcia was ecstatic because he’s a huge fan of his work.
Q: Where are exactly are you with season 6?
CC: We are here, and the following Monday we’ll start writing.
JB: Shooting starts August 24th
CC: We’ll work continuously until the middle of April and the show will air sometime between January and February and will finish around May.
Q: I want to know about the end of Lost. Michael Emerson said in an interview this week that he suspects it will be quite bittersweet or melancholy. Is it going to be an upbeat ending or ambiguous? Just any kind of hint to the flavour of the ending.
DL: All of the above. We are aspiring for an ending that is fair. Bittersweet comes with the territory. The ending will be different as for once, we won’t leave you on a cliffhanger. You will stay on the cliff this time.
CC: We hope that if we like it, you will like it.
Q: I was sad Charlie died, but he had to die to give his story credibility. That makes me wonder about John Locke. The fact he is now dead, having hit his lowest ebb...what’s up with that character arc?
CC: We’re not prepared to answer any of those questions here tonight. We feel that the final part of the experience of Lost is that you have this time between to theorise, postulate, agonise.
JB: If the actors really need to know what’s coming ahead, they’ll ask. As an example, Josh Holloway did not know what he was whispering to Kate when he jumped out of the helicopter, and neither did Evangeline Lilly, but the actors sold it so well. Terry O’ Quinn was playing Locke with this dark mysterious quality, unintentionally playing into the ending which he didn’t know. I presented him with the script asking him he wanted to read it and he was sure. He came back after saying ‘I wish I hadn’t read it’
Q: How much do you know about each character’s story, are there any you’re particularly proud of, or not proud of?
DL: When you come up with an idea for a character, and they come into the show, like Eko, who was originally a priest who had a crisis of faith, and we found Adewale in New York, and we basically said we don’t buy that this guy is a priest who has lost his faith, we buy that this guy is a warlord impersonating a priest, and somewhere along the way he’d decide he wasn’t just impersonating a priest, he’d decide to be one. So we’re certainly proud of the way that one worked out, and as for the ones we’re not proud of, we bury alive...or have Michael shoot them.
Q: How do you come up with these amazing twists?
CC: A lot of getting yourself to a point where you cry. We have a really brilliant writing staff and that’s part of the DNA of the show now, and that’s a big part of the writer’s room, how we re-route things one way and flip it back another. We love introducing a character in a certain way and then reveal the character to be very different. You know originally Sawyer tested the second lowest after the pilot, and now of course he’s a very heroic version of that character.
Q: Keep the Smoke!
DL: You’ll be seeing the smoke in a probably interesting character in itself
JB: And it will be in the shape of Jack’s beard
Q: Season 5 was hard work watching, with time travel. How are you going to pay that off?
DL: We acknowledge with a degree of difficulty. We were ostensibly frightened at first with the time travel story, were basically desperate to get everybody back together again. Time travel is now complete and everybody gets back together in one form or another and we feel that season 6 is a lot like season 1 with its community.
Q&A ended here. The guys signed stuff for the fans. My friend had a copy of Half Blood Prince, Damon signed it saying ‘Locke is VERY similar to Snape!’

Lost Season Four Soundtrack Guide by McLeron

1.) Giving Up The Ghost – The music during the scene where Charlie chats with Hurley in Santa Rosa. The music here takes from what was hinted at in season three’s Fetch Your Arm. In that track there were slight dreamlike soothing sounds like from a synth, which are now always used for Hurley’s ‘sad’ theme.

2.) Locke’ing Horns – is heard in the scene at the cockpit of 815 where Hurley sticks up for Locke. It’s another variation of the ‘Losties Coming Together Over Something Mournful’ theme heard in Just Die Already, Win One For The Reaper, Charlie Hangs Around, Life And Death, Oceanic 815, The Last To Know, Under The Knife, Here Today, Gone To Maui, and many more, but specifically Looking Glass Half Full.

3.) Lost Away – Or Is It? – Takes place when Sayid leaves the island on Frank’s chopper, transitioning into the revelatory flashforward where we learn Sayid is a hitman for Ben in the future. This is a brilliant reworking of Sayid’s theme, which is unmistakably both mournful and ethnic. Giacchino takes this full blown, for the first time making a track that feels like a massive orchestral score holding its own on a big budget film.

4.) Backgammon Gambit – Takes place during the scene where Kate frees Miles while Sawyer distracts Locke with an irresistible game of backgammon. Open’s with Locke’s ‘Dawning On Something’ themes, and turns into Kate’s ‘Running’ theme. A snappy vibrant track with fascinating reworkings of our loved ones themes.

5.) Time And Time Again – Takes place during Desmond’s airborne electromagnetically induced dementia, wherein he is meant to calm down as the chopper is about to land on the freighter. It opens with the ‘Something Strange Is Going On With Lost’ theme (see: Claire’s Sessions With The Psychic) This is the first track on the soundtrack to play the ‘Helicopter Flies Over The Freighter’ theme. This hummable piece of music is fantastic as it employs the rarely used big bass drum, that hadn’t been heard since season three’s Under The Knife. The big bass drum is an incredible instrument when used in Lost, which highlights any scene.

6.) The Constant – God knows why this track is called the Constant. Just kidding, it takes place when Desmond finally manages to make contact with Penelope, ultimately saving him from death. The Constant, aka the Desmond Penny Love Theme. Season Four’s most beloved moment is recorded here in full to the delight of all fans. This is a more concise version of Distraught Desmond from season three’s soundtrack with more romantic violins thrown in. The track hits full swing two minutes in where there is overwhelming triumph, our two parted lovers are reunited a full 40 episodes before we all thought they would. The track loses momentum around the three and a half minute mark, to go back to the island to go through Daniel Faraday’s notebook.

7.) Maternity Hell – A very interesting piece of original music from Giacchino. It builds a scene tentatively, then drops in the theme usually used for Vincent and Hurley running, then hits you in the face with it full tilt.

8.) Karma Jin-Initiative – where Bernard talks to Jin about karma. This is a slightly shorter version of Season Two’s brilliant Rose and Bernard.

9.) Ji Yeon – The music used in the scene where Sun cries at Jin’s grave. Like Locke’ing Horns, but even MORE tragic.

10.) Michael’s Right To Remain Wrong – takes place during the scene where Michael sells Jin’s million dollar watch to buy a gun to kill himself with. What happened to the gun he had in the season two finale, I wonder? This is a wonderfully bizarre piece of music, that begins with Michael’s theme (finally! Glaring omission from season two!), last heard in Adrift where he gives Toddler Walt a toy polar bear. It quickly transforms into a mad piece of frantic violin scrubbings and magically crazy plinkly percussion.

11.) Bodies And Bungalows – the music used in the scene where Sawyer is shot at repeatedly in Dharmaville. This is a more dramatic version of season three’s Hold The Phone. It is brilliantly terrifying with drums bubbling and undulating perplexingly under the sharp violins.

12.) Benundrum – Plays over any scene where Ben fortifies his house against an attack from the freighter’s mercenaries. This is a mishmash of several ‘Impending Doom’ mood pieces from the Ben centric episode The Shape Of Things To Come. The base theme here is the same as the opening of Bodies and Bungalows, so I’m not exactly sure why it was kept in. I feel that instead we could have had the music where Ben says goodbye to his daughter amidst the apocalypse of Smokey

13.) Hostile Negotiations – The music used during IMO season four’s most shocking moment: the execution of young innocent Alexandra. It begins seriously, with abrupt bursts of brass, then the mournful strings of Ben’s ‘Humanising and Emotional’ theme come in building up softly, until we are hit full on with the theme, then it dies down and turns horrifically terrible as the high tensed strings draw out a note so offensively. Possibly the best piece of music on this soundtrack and the show itself, it captures every millisecond of the jawdroppingly powerful scene. You can show the scene to randomers who hate the show and no one can say a bad word about the execution. NPI

14.) Locke-about – The music used in Locke’s heartbreaking scene where he struggles to walk again, and is advised a Walkabout tour would do him good, by the oxymoronic appellation Matthew Abbadon. The second half of the track takes place during the scene where Keamy forms a Mutiny on the Kahana and kills Doc Ray and Captain Gault to coerce Frank Lapidus to pilot him back to the island to kill more innocent people. It’s an OKish version of Locke’s ‘sad’ theme. I, for one, would love to hear Locke’s original ‘Unbelievably Sad’ theme from season one’s Locke’d Out Again which was IMO Giacchino’s best music, but somehow only ever used twice on the show…and NOT in the scene where Locke first uses a wheelchair, WTF??? TRAVESTY!!! The song changes abruptly as it passes into the freighter scene. They should have just made that part of the track separate and replaced the Locke learning to walkabout music with the fantastic music played over the scene where Richard Alpert employs Buddhism to see if Locke is special enough to earn a place at his special school. The freighter part of the track is worth listening to near the end where the ‘Helicopter Flying Over The Freighter’ theme is played again with less triumphant sounds and more terrible undertones, now that we know that the machine is really ferrying a bunch of cutthroat bastards.

15.) There’s No Place Like Home – The first scene of the episode There’s No Place Like Home, where the Oceanic Six land in Hawaii. Michael Giacchino outdid himself here, with an amazing piece of original music with an Eastern tint that he hasn’t since bettered. It has strokes of Parting Words and The Gathering. It’s a piece of music that when you listen to, you wonder why no one had made something like this before, it’s so simple.

16.) Nadia On Your Life – Takes place during the scene WAY more important than The Constant scene, where Sayid, after eight fucking years of searching, and being blackmailed into setting up his old friends to be terrorists, is FINALLY reunited with his tragic exiled tortured soul mate, who had acid poured on her hands just for being a liberal. The music spills over onto the following scene where Sayid speeds the Zodiac raft to the island so that Faraday and Juliet can ship the Lostaways to the Freighter. This is basically season two’s A New Trade with season one’s Hollywood And Vines aka ‘The Losties Are Travelling For Important Reasons’ theme.

17.) C4-titude – Sun and Jin are shocked to see Michael aboard the freighter, but are interrupted by Desmond yelling for them to come see the ridiculous amount of C4 explosive on the boat. Uh oh. This is a dramatic mishmash of some of the tense themes of Lost and the freighter theme.

18.) Of Mice And Ben – A montage even better than the opening with There’s No Place Like Home. For me, this is where track 15 really hits its stride. It completes the best musical scene of the season as all our heroes pass off voluntarily on to certain doom…with a few more drums! Old feuds are forgotten as they act in the interests of their loved ones, which is basically all of what Lost is about. True heroes are sort of born out of moments and the reality is-is most of our characters are heroes…when the proverbial others are coming…do you man up and take action? These guys always act most nobly when they act in the spirit of the community, they protect each other. The question remains what is the fate of our castaways, how are they gonna get off this island? Ultimately it’s about these people, it always has been. This island has given them an opportunity to completely reinvent themselves and that change for these characters is really what the end game will be all about.

19.) Keamy Away From Him – The music played over the rescue of Ben and shootout between Keamy and the Islanders, ending with the stunning hand-to-hand fight with our own soldier of fortune, Sayid. This is a good piece of music using several ingredients from the soundtracks to season two and three. It’s mostly ‘The Hunt’ gone psychotic.

20.) Timecrunch – plays over Faraday coming back on the Zodiac to ferry more socks to the freighter. This is a great piece of music, drawing off The Moth theme from season one, or season two’s Charlie’s Temptation into music that gives a palpable feeling of dread, until the ‘The Losties Are Travelling For Important Reasons’ theme returns.

21.) Can’t Kill Keamy – takes place over the scene where the helicopter flies off the island. Because the main characters are too good to use the Zodiac raft, they wanna be all fancy and use a helicopter – well look how that turned out! The helicopter ended up crashing! If they’d been humble enough to use the Zodiac raft they would have crashed in the ocean. Look at the scoreboard, the freighter had TWO helicopters and one Zodiac. What’s still standing? Zodiac:1, Helicopters: Nil. This music opens with a new take on the Lost theme (Credit Where Credit’s Due, season one) and subtly lifts from the new There’s No Place Like Home and transforms it into a bit of an actioner.

22.) Bobbing For Freighters – Plays over the scene where Keamy, who obviously COULD be killed, and his dead man’s switch sets off the C4 on the freighter, causing it to explode along with several of our beloved characters. This track contains some of the best music, most notably in the final minute of the track, where the ‘Helicopter Flies Over The Freighter theme and the Jin Sun love theme become one, and it soars hopefully with desperately pounding drums, but ultimately tragic. This is a case of music completely taking you over. The great thing about Giacchino’s music is that it fully sucks you in and absorbs you into the Lost world and none more so than here with the emotionally devastating parting of our favourite married couple.

23.) Locke of the Island – The Frozen Donkey Wheel. It’s the longest Giacchino track ever released, and it throws in every instrument possible, going through so many scenes where farewells are given. It truly sums up the mood in the best possible way, giving us Locke’s theme, and Ben’s emotional theme, which is one of the strongest on the show. He brings out that big bass drum again, telling us, this is the most emotional event going on ever. Brilliant track.

24.) Lying For The Island – where The Searcher finds the survivors, and Des and Penny are reunited after three years. Sayid went for longer, pussies. In this track, curiously, are the beginnings of Jacob’s Theme, which will next be heard in the penultimate scene of the season five finale. The track is held by a long note on the violin, and then the piano comes in, with hope, then following on from that, in come the weeping cellos, and the Desmond Penny Love Theme returns more powerful and significant and more romantic than ever before.

25.) Landing Party – The music played over the slow motion scene where the Oceanic Six land on Manukangga. Because There’s No Place Like Home and Of Mice And Ben was not enough, we’re hit again with the original finale music one last time.

26.) Hoffs-Drawler – The music played over the final scene of the season, and we find what’s in the box. This is a four minute long track that only needs to be one minute. The first three minutes are just long drawn out notes that bubble under the scene that takes place. In the middle of the track we get a shout out to the music played in season one’s finale when Hurley sees the numbers on the Hatch, so it is nice to finally have that on audio to listen to. The music just murmurs under with a few keys of piano, and low low harpsichord plucks. In the final minute we get the ‘We Are About To End On A Shock’ piece of music, most recently heard in the final minute of Follow The Leader.

Overall as I am the world’s biggest Lost fan, I’m not going to rate this anything other than 100%. I’m upset at how we don’t have the music from when Sawyer kisses Kate and jumps off the helicopter, which was the creator’s favourite part of the finale. I’m glad that the music from when Michael first attempts to blow up the Kahana is omitted, as that’s just Eko Blaster from season two, aka the ‘Losties Are About To Blow Something Up’ theme. I’m also annoyed that we don’t have the music from the scene where Kate throws Jack out of her life in Something Nice Back Home, which is Jack’s season three theme, last heard in Flash Forward Flashback. However it wouldn’t be a Lost soundtrack if they didn’t forget to include musical highlights of the season (Season One: The Moth scene, and Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do scene; Season Two: Locke doesn’t push the button and Henry gets his face smashed in – the music is crazy climatic; Season Three: Locke walks off with his dead father on his back – if you end on a dialogue free music piece, make sure it’s on the soundtrack!)

So back next year to do the same thing for the season five soundtrack, probably to bitch that they didn’t include Ben’s Humanising and Emotional theme from the Monster scene in Dead Is Dead. And, also, why ARE the Lost soundtracks released so late? Is it because it takes a year to come up with puns like Karma Jin-initiative and Nadia On Your Life?

Shibboleth Act Three

SHIBBOLETH: ACT THREE

SCENE ONE:

INT. GA943 – NIGHT

HAMZA IS AT HIS DESK. HE’S TYPING ON A COMPUTER. HE MINIMISES A WINDOW, AND OPENS UP A SEARCH DATABASE. HE PAUSES, HESITATING.

FLASHBACK TO:

HAMZA
You might have a point. But that is neither here nor there. I’m putting you away.

ANIS
You have to believe me, I have NOTHING to do with this. It’s all David Thornevil. Just investigate into Synopsense, you’ll find the same answers we did. Oscar confessed that it was him who gave away our positions to Thornevil and set up an ambush with Thornevil’s men. Investigate into Synopsense…please.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

HE TYPES IN ‘SYNOPSENSE’ TO THE SEARCH BOX. HE CLICKS SEARCH. NO RESULTS.

HAMZA
I knew it.

SCENE TWO:

INT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT

ANIS DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO SAVE EVERYONE. THIS HE UNDERSTANDS. HIS EYES DART LEFT AND RIGHT AS HE FORMULATES A PLAN. HE LOOKS AT MATT BEING HELD BY ATIA.

MATT (SILENTLY MOUTHING)
I can take her. Don’t worry about me.

DAVID
Well Mr. Seabourne, what do YOU want to do?

ANIS (NO-NONSENSE. WE USE THIS LINE IN ALL THE TRAILERS.)
All I wanna do is…

ANIS’ RIGHT ARM SPRINGS OUT BREAKING THE NECK OF THE MAN ON HIS RIGHT. IN A MATTER OF MILLISECONDS ANIS HAS HIS GUN AND FIRES FOUR TIMES.

ANIS
…and a…

THE GUN CLICKS, AND THREE MEN FALL DOWN. WE HEAR A RINGING NOISE AS WE LEARN THE FOURTH BULLET HAS SHATTERED THE DEVICE CONTROLLING THE MAGNET.

ANIS
…and take your moneyyy.

A HUMMING NOISE POWERING DOWN SIGNIFIES THE MAGNET SWITCHING OFF.

DAVID
Get him!

ANIS, NOW WITH SOME FREEDOM FOR A LITTLE MOVEMENT, AND NOW ABLE TO USE HIS GADGETS, LIFTS UP HIS LEFT HEEL AND DEFTLY SLIDES OPEN THE HIDDEN COMPARTMENT OF THE SHOE TO PULL OUT A GRENADE. HE BITES OUT THE PIN AND DROPS IT TO HIS FEET, NONCHALANTLY.

ATIA (SCREAMING)
I’ll kill McLeron!

ANIS THROWS THE GUN FROM HIS RIGHT HAND TO HIS LEFT, AND PULLS OUT HIS PHONE FROM INSIDE HIS JACKET. HE PRESSES 3 NUMBERS ON THE KEYPAD AND, AIMING THE PHONE UPWARDS, PRESSES THE DIAL BUTTON. A TINY PITON WITH RAPELLING ROPE FIRES OUT.

THE PITON FIRES THROUGH DAVID THORNEVIL’S LEFT EAR INTO THE TOP OF THE DOOR FRAME ON THE ORNATE BALCONY.

DAVID
Eeeeeeeeoww!!!

ANIS WRAPS THE RAPELLING ROPE AROUND HIS RIGHT WRIST SEVERAL TIMES, HOLDING THE TWINE TIGHT. HE PRESSES THE HANG UP BUTTON, AND IS RAPELLED UP TO THE BALCONY. AS HIS FEET LEAVE THE GROUND, THE SLOW MILITARY HENCHMEN CLAMOUR AROUND THE EMPTY SPACE ANIS HAS LEFT IN THE CROWD. ONE SPIES A BLACK THING ON THE FLOOR.

RANDOM MILITARY EVIL HENCHMAN BELONGING TO DAVID THORNEVIL #1 (RMEHBTDT #1)
Bo…

THE GRENADE EXPLODES, CREATING A COLOSSAL FIREBALL UNDER THE RAPELLING ANIS. THE RMEHBTDT ARE ENGULFED IN THE VAST FLAMING SPHERE AND IN SLOW MOTION WE SPIN AROUND THEM, SOAKING IN EVERY DETAIL OF THEIR GRISLY FLAMING DEATH, AS THE HERO FLIES REGALLY ABOVE THEM.

MATT AND ATIA FALL BACK, UNCONSCIOUS.

ISIS WATCHES THIS AMAZED.

ANIS LANDS UP ON THE BALCONY. DAVID THORNEVIL IS TRAPPED, HIS EAR CAUGHT BETWEEN THE PHONE AND PITON. HE GRUNTS ANGRILY, SUCKING BREATH LOUDLY THROUGH GRITTED TEETH.

DAVID
You bastard, you spineless little guttersnipe! How dare you, how could you possibly…

ANIS PUNCHES HIM IN THE MOUTH TWICE, KNOCKING HIM OUT. DAVID HANGS FROM THE PHONE BY HIS EAR, UNCONSCIOUS.

ANIS LOOKS DOWN AT THE FLAMING WRECKAGE ON THE GROUND BELOW. FOUR RMEHBTDT ARE LEFT STANDING, ABOUT TO FIRE.

ANIS
Yep, all I wanna do is…

ANIS FIRES FOUR TIMES.

…and a…

THE GUN CLICKS. HE DROPS THE GUN TO THE FLOOR WITH A CLANGING NOISE. THE FOUR RMEHBTDT DROP DEAD.

…and take your moneyyy.

ANIS TAKES NOTICE OF THE SCREAMS COMING FROM THE BIG SCREEN. LAUREN IS ABOUT TO DIE. HE LOOKS AT THE COUNTDOWN. HE HAS THIRTY SECONDS LEFT TO SAVE KNIGHTSBRIDGE FROM OBLITERATION.

ANIS
Ah, shit.

ANIS LOOKS AROUND AT THE KEYPAD FOR AN ABORT BUTTON. HE SPIES ONE. HE PRESSES IT, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS. HE REALISES THAT HE NEEDS A KEY IN ORDER TO OPERATE IT. HE LIFTS UP DAVID, FEELING FOR SOME KEYS. HE FINDS SOME IN A POCKET AND PULLS THEM OUT. THERE ARE ABOUT TWENTY KEYS AND ANIS SEARCHES FOR THE RIGHT ONE. HE GETS MOMENTARILY DISTRACTED BY LAUREN WEEPING BLOOD.

ANIS
Oh Jesus.

ANIS EVENTUALLY DEDUCES WHICH KEY HE NEEDS BY SIZING THEM UP TO THE KEYHOLE. HE TURNS THE KEY AND ABORTS THE TERROR HEADING FOR KNIGHTSBRIDE. HE TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT LAUREN ON THE SCREEN. HER HEAD EXPLODES.

ANIS DROPS TO HIS KNEES CRESTFALLEN AND SHAKES HIS FISTS AT THE SKY, LEANING BACKWARDS, SCREAMING.

ANIS
NOOOOOO!!!!!

DAVID STIRS, AND REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS.

DAVID
So you abandoned the bitch, did you? Does it agitate you, Seabourne that she died clinging to the feeble hope that you would rescue her?

ANIS SMOULDERS.

DAVID (LAUGHING)
Well, you won’t have to be agitated for long.

ANIS PICKS UP HIS GUN AND AIMS AT DAVID.

DAVID
Behind you.

ANIS GLANCES BEHIND HIM. HE DOUBLE TAKES AND TURNS AROUND. LAUREN IS STANDING A FEW METRES BEHIND HIM.

ANIS
Lauren?

LAUREN PULLS A GUN FROM HER TROUSERS AND AIMS IT AT ANIS.

DAVID
You fool. You were entranced by her charms, like hundreds before. She works for us. I told you about the Murdering Mistresses, didn’t I? There’s three members! Atia Shahft down there, Isis Connollyngus up there, and Lauren Ordresveyoo right here.

ANIS
The tattoo…

FLASHBACK TO:

LAUREN’S BACK CATCHES ANIS’S EYE. HE SPOTS A TATTOO AROUND HER KIDNEY. IT SAYS MM. ANIS MOUTHS ‘MATT McLERON’ AND SHAKES HIS HEAD TO REFRESH HIMSELF.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

DAVID
You have lost. Kill him, Lauren. And make it snappy.

LAUREN
Yes, sir.

LAUREN’S FINGER SQUEEZES ON THE TRIGGER. BUT SHE FALTERS A LITTLE. SHE MIGHT BE RELUNCTANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT, NOW SHE’S ACTUALLY IN THE MOMENT.

DAVID
Well? Do it.

LAUREN SHUTS HER EYES. THAT’S ENOUGH FOR ANIS. HE SPINS AROUND TO POSITION HIMSELF BEHIND DAVID, GRABS THE PHONE AND WRAPS IT AROUND DAVID’S NECK, SO HE IS READY TO GARROTT HIM.

ANIS
Just try it.

DAVID
Don’t do anything! Ugh, you should have killed him right there before, it’s not like there would have been any difficulty, jees, why did you not…

MATT COMES TO, AND TAKES ATIA’S GUN. HE AIMS AT LAUREN, BUT SEES ISIS SNIPING ANIS FROM HIGH UP NEAR THE CEILING. HE CHECKS HOW MANY BULLETS THERE ARE LEFT. ONE. NOT ENOUGH FOR BOTH ISIS, DAVID, AND LAUREN. OR IS IT?

DAVID (CONT’D)
…realise that time is ACTUALLY a crucial factor in matters like this…

ANIS SPOTS MATT AIMING THE GUN. ANIS BLINKS, COMPREHENDING.

MATT FIRES THE GUN AT THE DOMED GLASS CEILING. THE GLASS SHATTERS AND RAINS DOWN ON EVERYBODY. ISIS FALLS OVER UNDER IT ALL. ANIS, WHO HAD BEEN EXPECTING THIS, CLIMBS ONTO THE RAILING ON THE BALCONY. LAUREN RUNS OVER TO STOP HIM. ANIS JUMPS OFF THE BALCONY, BUT LAUREN HOLDS ONTO HIS SATCHEL. ANIS’ JUMP GOES AWRY, SO HE ENDS UP DOING A SPECTACULAR FLIP, DITCHING THE SATCHEL. HE LANDS ON HIS KNEES AND CARRIES ON ROLLING OVER THROUGH THE FLAMING CORPSES. HE STOPS ROLLING AND SPRINGS TO HIS FEET RUNNING OVER TO MATT.

MATT THROWS HIM A GUN.

MATT
Let’s get the hell outta here.

ANIS
You don’t have to tell me twice.

ANIS KICKS OUT THE DOOR, DODGING BULLETS FIRED BY LAUREN.

SCENE THREE:

INT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT

ANIS AND MATT ARE RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES. CHAOTIC ALARMS ARE BLARING.

MORE SOLDIERS ARE AFTER THEM. THEY SHOOT, BUT AS THEY ARE NAMELESS AND HAVE NO SIGNIFICANT BACKSTORIES, THEIR BULLETS HAVE NO CHANCE OF HITTING CHARACTERS WITH SUCH SIGNIFICANT ROLES. FOOLS.

MATT
You remember a way out?

ANIS
I think it’s down here.

HE TURNS INTO A DEAD END.

ANIS
Ah.

ANIS NOTICES A CAMERA AND SPOTS BLOOD ON THE FLOOR. REALISING THE BLOOD IS FAKE HE WORKS OUT THAT THIS IS THE ROOM WHERE LAUREN FAKED HER DEATH.

MATT
Let’s go.

THEY TURN BACK, TO GET CONFRONTED BY THREE RMEHBTDT WHO AIM AT THEM.

MATT AND ANIS JUMP FLAT TO THE FLOOR, THEN ROLL IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS. THE RMEHBTDT FIRE BUT THEIR BULLETS MISS.

MATT RUNS DIRECTLY AT ONE OF THEM. WHEN HE REACHES HIM, HE CARRIES ON RUNNING SO THAT HE RUNS UP THE RMEHBTDT’S TORSO AND KICKS HIS FACE TO THE SIDE IN AN UNNECESSARILY SHOWY SPIN KICK. THE RMEHBTDT’S HEAD GOES ALL EXORCIST-Y AND HE DROPS DEAD.

ANIS IS FACING OFF WITH THE TWO OTHER RMEHBTDT. HE IS THROWN THROUGH A GLASS PANE INTO A ROOM.

THE ROOM IS A GAMES ROOM. ANIS GETS UP FROM THE GLASS AND GRABS A POOL CUE AND SWINGS IT MADLY. IT HITS A RMEHBTDT WHOSE NAME IS COLIN. COLIN FALLS TO THE GROUND. ANIS DEFTLY STABS THE POOL CUE DEEP INTO MACHINE GUN OF THE SECOND RMEHBTDT, WHOSE NAME IS BRIAN. BRIAN PULLS THE TRIGGER FOOLISHLY AND IS ALSO KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR AS THE GUN VAPORISES IN HIS HANDS. MATT COMES IN AND TAKES COLIN, WHO IS GETTING BACK ON HIS FEET. COLIN SWINGS AT MATT, BUT MATT DUCKS AND SIDEKICKS COLIN IN THE GUT. COLIN IS CARRIED OFF HIS FEET AND FALLS INTO A CLOSET. HE FALLS OUT, AS THE CLOSET WOBBLES, IT’S CONTENTS SPILLING. A GOLF SHOE FALLS OUT AND LANDS SPIKE DOWN ON COLIN’S FACE. COLIN SCREAMS AS HIS FACE IS PIERCED BY THIRTY ODD SHARP SPIKES. COLIN IS NO MORE. MATT GOES TO HELP ANIS. HE PICKS OUT A GOLF CLUB FROM THE CLOSET AND THROWS IT TO ANIS. ANIS DUCKS DOWN AND SWINGS THE CLUB, SWEEPING UNDER BRIAN’S FEET. BRIAN FALLS OVER AGAIN. HE GETS BACK UP. MATT LOBS A GOLF BALL AT HIS FACE. IT ACTUALLY LANDS IN BRIAN’S MOUTH. GOOD SHOT. ANIS SWINGS THE CLUB INTO BRIAN’S FACE, NOT REALISING BRIAN IS HOLDING A GOLFBALL IN HIS TEETH. THE CLUB CONNECTS, SHATTERING BRIAN’S TEETH AND KILLING HIM.

ANIS
Whoa, what the fuck?

BLOOD BUBBLES OUT OF BRIAN’S GOB.

ANIS
Shit, I only meant to knock him out.

MATT
They’re all dead.

ANIS
Let’s scarper.

ANIS AND MATT RUN OUT INTO THE ATRIUM. LAUREN AND DAVID ARE THERE WITH ATIA AND THE FEW REMAINING HENCHMEN.

DAVID
Get them!

ANIS THROWS THE GOLF CLUB AT THEM. IT FLIES ABOUT FOUR FEET, NOWHERE NEAR ANY ENEMY. ANIS DUCKS DOWN BEHIND A PLANT, WHILE MATT SHOOTS BLINDLY FROM BEHIND A PILLAR. ANIS PULLS OUT HIS CAR KEYS. HE SQUEEZES THE KEY TO THE MERC AND A KEYPAD WITH A SCREEN POPS UP. HE PRESSES DOWN ON THE KEYPAD.

CUT TO:

EXT. THORNEVILLAGE - NIGHT

THE MERCEDES TURNS ON.

CUT TO:

INT. THORNEVILLAGE ATRIUM – NIGHT

ANIS DRAGS HIS FINGER ACROSS THE KEYPAD. THE SCREEN SHOWS THE CAR’S POINT OF VIEW. ON THE SCREEN WE SEE THAT THE CAR IS DRIVING UP SOME STAIRS.

ANIS GETS UP AND SHOUTS TO MATT.

ANIS
Matt, let’s go.

THEY RUN TOWARDS THE EXIT, BUT SUDDENLY ISIS ABSEILS DOWN ON A CABLE IN FRONT OF THEM. HANGING UP TEN FEET IN THE AIR, SHE GLARES AT THEM. GLASS HAS LACERATED PARTS OF HER FACE. SHE AIMS A BAZOOKA AT THEM.

BEHIND HER, THE MERCEDES COMES FLYING AIRBORNE THROUGH THE GLASS ENTRANCE. IT CONNECTS HEAD ON WITH ISIS, DRIVING INTO HER BACK, SENDING HER SWINGING FORWARD ON HER CABLE. SHE IS SWUNG UP IN THE AIR, BUT IS CARRIED IN A CIRCLE. THERE IS A GANGWAY THE CABLE IS TYING ITSELF AROUND WITH SO SHE IS SWUNG BACK UPSIDE DOWN INTO THE GLASS ENTRANCE. SHE BURSTS THROUGH THE GLASS SO SHE IS OUTSIDE THE BUILDING. SHE SWINGS BACK DOWN INTO THE GLASS BUT THIS TIME, SHE DOESN’T SMASH THROUGH THE GLASS, HAVING LOST MOMENTUM. HER FACE SQUISHES OUT ON THE GLASS, HER EXPRESSION SPEECHLESS.

OUR TWO HEROES DON’T HAVE TIME TO LAUGH.

ANIS
Get in!

THEY YANK OPEN THE CAR DOORS AND JUMP IN. ANIS PUTS THE KEY IN AND STARTS DRIVING NORMALLY. HE STEERS THE CAR AROUND, WHILE EVERYBODY SHOOTS AT IT. ANIS DRIVES OUT OF THE BUILDING JUST IN TIME TO HIT ISIS WHO FALLS OUT OF HER HARNESS. THEY DRIVE OVER HER BODY AS THEY GO DOWN THE STAIRS. THEY DRIVE OFF. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, ISIS PICKS HERSELF UP, STILL SOMEHOW ALIVE. SHE GLARES AT THE CAR IN THE DISTANCE.

SCENE FOUR:

INT. MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR – NIGHT

ANIS HAS NO IDEA WHERE HE CAN BE SAFE SO HE JUST DRIVES, NO DIRECTION IN PARTICULAR.

HE ASCERTAINS THAT THEY AREN’T IN ANY IMMEDIATE DANGER AND PARKS HIS CAR ON A QUIET STREET. HE SIGHS.

MATT
Well, where are we?

ANIS
Somewhere outside West Sussex.

MATT
No, I mean with the mission to clear your name.

ANIS
Lauren grabbed my bag. That had all the evidence in.

MATT
Dammit!

ANIS
We’re back to square one, except now our biggest ally is dead.

MATT
Blake was a good guy.

ANIS
He was brilliant, I don’t know what to do.

MATT
We get some rest. We get our strength back, and tomorrow we take them on again.

ANIS
Yeah, sure…

ANIS SIGHS AND TILTS THE SEAT BACK SO HE RECLINES. HE LOOKS MOURNFULLY OUT OF THE WINDOW.

FADE TO BACK.

SCENE FIVE:

INT. MODERN METALLIC OFFICE – NIGHT

THIS OFFICE IS ALSO AN AQUARIUM. DAVID IS STOOD IN FRONT OF A DESK. DAVID LOOKS PANICKED. BEHIND HIM AT THE DOOR ARE ALL THREE MURDERING MISTRESSES. SEATED AT THE DESK IS SOMEONE HIDDEN FROM VIEW. ALL WE CAN SEE ARE HIS BLACK GLOVES. ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE DESK, A HULKING BLACK MAN WITH RIDICULOUS MUSCLES BARES HIS SHINY WHITE TEETH IN A SMILE. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK, A THIN GANGLY MAN COVERED IN RUBBISH PLAYS WITH AN ELASTIC BAND.

MYSTERIOUS GLOVED PRESUMABLY MAN BECAUSE DAVID REFERRED TO HIM AS SIR
Thank you for agreeing to see me at such short notice.

DAVID
Of course, sir.

MYSTERIOUS GLOVED PRESUMABLY MAN BECAUSE DAVID REFERRED TO HIM AS SIR
You let him get away. Even to a guy like me, that’s cold. I don’t like that. Not. One. Bit.

WE FINALLY SEE WHO IS SPEAKING FOR THE FIRST TIME. THE BIG BAD, THE PERSON ORCHESTRATING IT ALL NOW HAS THE CAMERA RESTING ON HIS FACE. HIS FACE IS CAKED IN FLOURY WHITE POWDERY MAKE UP. THERE ARE FLOURY DEPOSITS ALL OVER HIS DESK. HIS HAIR IS LONG AND STRAGGLY, AND UNWASHED. HE LOOKS LIKE A FRIGHTENING VAGRANT. A PAIR OF EXAGGERATED RED LIPS HAVE BEEN PAINTED OVER HIS MOUTH AND CHEEKS, BUT OVER TIME THE RED HAS DARKENED SO NOW IT LOOKS LIKE BLOOD. THE SWEATY CLOWN MAKEUP OBSCURES THE AWFUL SCARS WHICH WIDEN HIS MOUTH INTO A PERMANENT GHOULISH SMILE. CLOTHING IS CUSTOM, NO LABELS. NOTHING IN HIS POCKET BUT KNIVES AND LINT. NO NAME, JUST THE ALIAS KHUSTY THE KLOWN.

KHUSTY
Well, I know you let Anis go, don’t worry. You’ll always be my friend. I love you, you know that?

THE HULKING BLACK HENCHMAN…WHOSE NAME IS HENCHMAN…BECAUSE HE IS BOTH A MAN AND PRETTY HENCH…STARTS LAUGHING. IT’S A MIXTURE OF FRANK BRUNO AND DR. HIBBERT.

HENCHMAN
Hegh hegh hegh hegh heh.

DAVID
Sir?

KHUSTY
I love you…and I’m in love with you. I know, how is it possible to be both? Never worry Thornevil, I will never ever let you go.

DAVID LOOKS AT HENCHMAN WHO HAS BEEN LAUGHING A LOT. DAVID IS UNNERVED AND UNSETTLED.

KHUSTY PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE DESK. DAVID FALLS THROUGH A TRAP DOOR. MOMENTS LATER WE SEE HIM SQUIRMING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS IN THE AQUARIUM, BEATING ON THE WINDOW, BUBBLES BURSTING FROM HIS MOUTH. PIRANHAS SWIM OVER AND GOBBLE HIM UP.

KHUSTY
Do you think I’m sadistic?

DAVID GYRATES STRICKEN AS HE TRIES TO AVOID THE PIRANHA’S TEETH. NEEDLESS TO SAY, HIS THRASHING IS USELESS.

KHUSTY
This is me at my most masochistic.

AN OVERWHELMING AMOUNT OF RED PERVADES THE AQUARIUM. EVENTUALLY IT CLEARS AND ALL THAT IS LEFT IS A CLEAN SKELETON.

KHUSTY
Wasteman…

THE THIN GANGLY MAN COVERED IN WASTE ACKNOWLEDGES KHUSTY.

KHUSTY (CONT’D)
Looks like David has no ‘body’ to swim with!

HENCHMAN’S LAUGHING INCREASES.

WASTEMAN (NERVOUSLY)
Haha, I get it.

KHUSTY
Because he doesn’t have a body any more!

WASTEMAN (REALISING)
Oh NOW I get it.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

KHUSTY
And nobody’s swimming with him!

WASTEMAN (REALISING)
Oh NOW I get it

HIS LAUGHTER IS GENUINE, NOW FINALLY HAVING UNDERSTOOD THE JOKE.

KHUSTY
Lauren, Atia, Isis.

THEY STEP FORWARD.

KHUSTY
You have now been promoted, and if you’re wondering if there is a pay rise, you now own all of Thornevil’s property…

THE GIRLS FLUSH RED WITH GREEDY DELIGHT.

KHUSTY
…on the condition that you bring Anis Seabourne to me. Ten point seven billion. That’s quite a sum.

LAUREN
We bring Anis to you…and we get ten point seven billion pounds?

ATIA
Are you fucking kidding me?

KHUSTY
Go get him girls. Moohahahahahahaha…jaa.

SCENE SIX:

INT. MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR - DAY

ANIS STIRS.

MATT IS SAT UP STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW.

ANIS
What’s our plan of action?

MATT
Seeing as we have no evidence, and the one person who could have backed us up authentically is dead, I think we either storm in again or we go into hiding.

ANIS
Well we can’t go into hiding, that maniac has a cataclysmic weapon that needs to be deactivated. It’s amazing he hasn’t destroyed anything already. Knightsbridge escaped by a nose.

MATT
What does the Shibboleth device actually do?

ANIS
I’m not sure, just yesterday Thornevil said that he would ‘obliterate’ Knightsbridge with it.

MATT
GA943 are still after us. They have no idea that you saved all their lives.

ANIS
Well in this line of work, we’re used to it.

MATT
What could he want to do with it? There’s been nothing on the radio about any cities getting obliterated.

ANIS
It could be used as a ransom. He’ll being seeing dollar signs.

MATT
With a device like that…wait a minute…dollar signs…

ANIS
What?

MATT
Synop$ense!

ANIS
Synopsense. I forgot about that.

MATT
Synop-dollar sign-ence! Actually that was a tip from Lauren.

ANIS SAYS NOTHING.

MATT
Ah, sore subject. Forget about girls, man.

ANIS SAYS NOTHING.

MATT
Well, look let’s go investigate into Synop$ense.

ANIS
You’re right. That’s our last lead.

SCENE SEVEN:

INT. GA943 – DAY

ALL THE AGENTS ARE SAT AT THEIR DESKS. SUDDENLY AGENT MARIA SEES SOMETHING POP UP ON HER SCREEN.

MARIA
I think I’ve found Anis.

LAWRATU BURSTS OUT OF MARIGOLD’S OLD OFFICE. SHE COMES OVER TO MARIA AND BENDS DOWN TO TALK TO HER.

LAWRATU
Where?

MARIA
Like yesterday when Emma found them at Croydon, someone’s logged onto our database using a passkey encryption. Despite the anonymity of the encryption, it’s logically them because everyone else who works here is trapped here.

LAWRATU
‘Trapped’ here, huh?

MARIA
Erm…

LAWRATU
How good is the intel?

MARIA
It’s perfect.

LAWRATU
So where are they?

MARIA
They’re in a library near Horsham.

LAWRATU STANDS UP.

LAWRATU
Everybody move out! We’re going to Horsham.

EVERYBODY STANDS UP.

HAMZA
Hey, Horsham, that’s in West Sussex. And so’s Thornevillage, do you not think it’s connected?

LAWRATU
We don’t have time for this, shut up or hand over your gun.

HAMZA SHUTS UP.

LAWRATU
That’s what I thought.

SCENE EIGHT:

INT. LIBRARY – DAY

ANIS AND MATT ARE SAT AT A COMPUTER RESEARCHING SYNOP$ENSE.

ANIS
Right let’s see what we find.

HE TYPES IN ‘SYNOPSENSE’

MATT
No, not Synopsense, Synop-dollar sign-ense. Synopsense won’t help you find anything, you gotta have the dollar sign

ANIS CLEARS THE FIELD, AND TYPES SYNOP$ENSE.

ANIS
One result.

HE CLICKS ON IT.

ANIS (READING)
‘Synop$ense, a company founded on the backs of our brothers devoted to streamlining an innovative cost effective brighter tomorrow…’ erm, I’ll skip all this.

MATT
Find an address, we can take further action then.

ANIS SEARCHES.

ANIS
Nothing, not even a contact number. It does say that they are based in Brighton, but that’s all we’ve got to go on.

SCENE NINE:

INT. KHUSTY’S BASE - DAY

ATIA, ISIS, AND LAUREN ARE WALKING DOWN A CORRIDOR.

ATIA
Ten point seven billion, just to find some gangly bloke and his mate?

LAUREN
That’s three point fifty seven billion each.

THE GIRLS ALL SEE DOLLAR SIGNS.

ATIA
Well we better bloody find him, then.

ISIS NODS.

LAUREN
I already know where he is. He and Matt are just a little bit of detecting away from finding this place, so they’ll be on their way to meet us soon enough. All they need to find us is a library.

ATIA
We need to look in the nearest libraries near Thornevillage. Lauren, you stay here in case he gets here before you find him.

LAUREN
Fine, you girls go. Split up, it’ll make it quicker finding them. Isis, take that bazooka.

ISIS SMILES.

SCENE TEN:

INT. LIBRARY – DAY

MATT AND ANIS ARE EATING SOME SUBWAY SANDWICHES.

MATT
You know what they should do?

ANIS
What?

MATT
A KFP.

ANIS
What the hell?

MATT
A KFP!

ANIS
What the hell’s a KFP?

MATT
Kentucky Fried Pork!

ANIS
You are…the biggest idiot…I’ve ever…

MATT
No come on, are you seriously telling me you wouldn’t go to a KFP if it was down the road?

ANIS
I’m a Muslim!

MATT
So? Who doesn’t like pork, pork is the best of all the meats!

ANIS
Pigs are dirty animals, mate, you just don’t understand.

MATT
Come off it, you eat chips, right?

ANIS
Well, obviously.

MATT
Potatoes grow out of mud and manure, and you wouldn’t consider it dirty?

ANIS
Oh you’ve won the argument now, have you? By pointing out some insignificant smart alecky well presented substanceless detail.

MATT
You’re just snotty cos I won.

ANIS
Snotty?

MATT
Snooty.

ANIS
Snooty?

MATT
Snotty!! And by the way, check yourself, substanceless isn’t a word.

A LIBRARIAN COMES OVER.

LIBRARIAN
There’s no eating in the library.

MATT
Ok…erm…ok.

LIBRARIAN
You can finish it off outside, but absolutely no eating in the library.

AFTER THAT BRILLIANT REASONED ARGUMENT FROM MATT, HE AND ANIS HAVE NO CHOICE. THEY STAND UP AND WALK OFF.

ANIS
Is there any point taking this info to GA943?

MATT
How do you mean?

ANIS
Well, all I wanna say is that they don’t really care about us.

MATT
I know, it’s like skinhead, deadhead, everybody gone bad, situation, segregation, everybody allegation.

ANIS
You get me? Some things in life they just don’t want to see, but if Marigold was living, she wouldn’t let this be oh no yeah yeah yeah.

MATT
Oh, mate?

ANIS
Yes?

MATT
I don’t think there’s any worry about bringing it to GA943.

ANIS
Why’s that?

MATT
Because they’re here.

ANIS
What?!!

MATT
Look!

THEY SEE AGENT LAURA SEARCH AROUND THE COMPUTERS WHERE THEY WERE JUST SITTING.

THEY KEEP CALM AND WALK CONFIDENTLY OUT OF THE LIBRARY.

ANIS
Ok, chances are there’s more than one and one of them’s seen us: RUN.

HE AND MATT ARE ABOUT TO EXCEPT THEY SEE ISIS IN A CAR ABOUT FIFTY FEET AWAY.

MATT
Aw, shit!

LAWRATU
FREEZE!!

SHE AND EIGHT OTHER AGENTS EMERGE FROM THE LIBRARY, FROM BEHIND THEM, BEHIND CARS, AND FROM AROUND THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING.

ANIS HAS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET. NO ONE NOTICES HIS CAR ENGINE TURN ON AND START DRIVING.

ANIS
Lawratu, listen…

LAWRATU
Shut up!

ISIS LOADS UP THE BAZOOKA AND LEANS OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW.

LAWRATU
Put your hands on your head, now!

ANIS LIFTS HIS HANDS OUT OF HIS POCKET AND RAISES THEM TO HIS HEAD. HE SEES ISIS TAKE AIM. HE MAKES A JERKING MOVEMENT WITH HIS FINGER ON THE KEYPAD.

ISIS FIRES AT HIM.

THE MERCEDES BUTTS HER CAR MAKING HER POINT THE MISSILE OFF TARGET.

ANIS
DIVE!

ANIS AND MATT DIVE TO THE GROUND AS A MISSILE FLIES OVER THEIR HEADS.

CUT TO:

INT. LIBRARY

TWO CHILDREN ARE WHISPERING. THE LIBRARIAN IS DISPLEASED.

LIBRARIAN
Quiet please.

EVERYONE IS BLOWN TO THE GROUND WITH THE FORCE OF THE DEAFENING EXPLOSION FROM ISIS’ AWRY MISSILE.

CUT TO:

EXT. LIBRARY

LAWRATU SCREAMS AS SHE IS BURIED UNDER FLAMING RUBBLE. EVERYONE FALLS OVER. ISIS FURIOUSLY RIGHTS HERSELF AND TAKES AIM AGAIN BUT ANIS AND MATT ARE GONE. SHE SCOWLS.

SCENE ELEVEN:

INT. MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR - DAY

ANIS AND MATT ARE IN THE CAR, PUTTING THEIR SEATBELTS ON.

MATT
Drive.

ANIS DOES.

ANIS
Where are we going?

MATT
Synop$ense is based in Brighton, we need to go there.

ANIS SWERVES DOWN A SIDE LANE.

CUT TO:

EXT. LIBRARY

AGENTS FROM GA943 GET TO THEIR FEET, EXCEPT LAWRATU WHO IS BURIED UNDER A PILE OF RUBBLE.

LAURA
Is she dead?

HAMZA
Who cares?

LAURA
Do we go after Anis?

HAMZA
How about we go after the psychotic blonde with the rocket launcher?

THE OTHER AGENTS SMILE.

CUT TO:

INT. MERCEDES

ANIS
Well Brighton’s a big area…there was no address. Just a code at the bottom saying 00S 423

MATT
Yeah, no idea what that’s about.

ANIS
It’s in the form of a postcode, but I’ve never heard of anything beginning with a double zero. Ugh, we shouldn’t have got those Subways, I coulda researched that code. I’d use my PDA but I left it in Thornevillage. Ooo, better steer here.

ANIS SHARPLY TURNS THE CAR, AVOIDING A MISSILE WHICH HITS A LORRY IN FRONT OF THEM. THE EIGHTEEN WHEELER, WHICH ONLY HAS SIXTEEN WHEELS, FLIPS END OVER END.

MATT
Dude, this car’s indestructible, why did you swerve? You probably inadvertently killed a lot of people.

ANIS
Oh crap, your right.

MATT
Darn tootin’.

ANIS
Alright, your choice, shall we take evasive action, or offensive action?

MATT
Let’s go on the offensive.

ANIS
Ok, your call.

ANIS SLIDES A PANEL OFF THE STEERING WHEEL. UNDERNEATH ARE SEVERAL SWITCHES.

HE PICKS ONE.

THE MERCEDES’ HEADLAMPS SLIDE UP AND OPEN TO REVEAL A PAIR OF SMART TORPEDOES. ANIS FIRES BOTH. THEY FIRE OUT OF THE CAR AND TAKE OFF INTO THE AIR. THEY TURN OVER AND HEAD TOWARDS ISIS’ CAR. ISIS JUMPS OUT OF HER CAR WITH HER BAZOOKA. SHE DIVES THROUGH THE WINDOW OF A PARKED CAR. SHE SMASHES THE GLASS AND LANDS AWKWARDLY ON THE GEAR STICK. THE TORPEDOES HIT HER CAR AND IT EXPLODES. SHE EXTRICATES HERSELF FROM THE GEAR STICK AND PULLS A SCREWDRIVER FROM HER POCKET. SHE STABS IT INTO THE KEYHOLE AND THE CAR STARTS. SHE DRIVES OFF AFTER THEM.

MATT
When in doubt, go on the offensive.

HIS RELIEF IS CURBED AS A MISSILE EXPLODES AGAINST THE BACK WINDSCREEN.

ANIS
Whaaaat the fuck!

MATT
Jesus, didn’t we just kill her?

ANIS
Yeah, “we” certainly didn’t.

ANIS HITS FOUR SWITCHES.

AT THE BACK OF THE CAR, THE EXHAUST SPEWS OUT A THICK BLACK LIQUID, A METAL TRAY SLIDES DOWN BEHIND THE EXHAUST PIPE AND EMPTIES ABOUT FIFTY OR SO TIRE SLASHERS AND MINES ONTO THE ROAD.

ANIS
I dispensed some mines to make sure.

ISIS SPEEDS OVER THE OIL SLICKED ROAD. HER TYRES ARE BURST BY THE SLASHERS AND THE CAR SWERVES INTO AN UNCONTROLLABLE POWERSLIDE. THE MINES GO OFF AND THE CAR IS SPUN ONTO ITS SIDE IN A FANTASTIC EXPLOSION. ISIS IS SPUN OFF HER SEAT OUT OF THE WINDOW WITH ANOTHER SMASH OF GLASS. SHE LANDS ON THE ROAD AND SPINS OVER AND OVER THE TYRE SLASHERS AND OIL. SHE SITS UP, SHAKEN, SPIKES STICKING ALL OUT OF HER HEAD, TORSO, ARMS AND LEGS, HER BODY BLACKENED BY THE OIL. SHE STARES DOWN AT HER SPIKED TORSO AND BEHIND HER THE REST OF THE MINES GO OFF. SHE IS BLOWN FORWARD SEVERAL METRES AND THE CAR LANDS WHERE SHE HAD BEEN SAT MOMENTS BEFORE. ISIS IS FACE DOWN IN THE ROAD, MOTIONLESS.

THEN SHE STANDS UP ERECT, EMOTIONLESS.

SHE PICKS UP HER MISSILE LAUNCHER AND PULLS OUT SOME OF THE SPIKES FROM HER ARM AS SHE WALKS CALMLY TO ANOTHER CAR. SHE PUNCHES THROUGH THE DRIVER’S WINDOW.

THE DRIVER JERKS TERRIFIED HAVING WITNESSED THE EXPLOSION.

ISIS GLARES AT THE DRIVER. I.E. GET…OUT…

THE DRIVER IS SCARED SHITLESS OF THIS BURNT PSYCHOTIC BITCH BRANDISHING A BAZOOKA WITH SPIKES STICKING OUT OF HER HEAD AND ABANDONS THE CAR. ISIS GETS IN AND DRIVES AFTER ANIS.

SHE GUNS IT DOWN A SIDE STREET PARALLEL TO OUR HEROES AND OVER TAKES THEM. SHE GETS ABOUT 500 METRES IN FRONT AND THEN SWERVES ONTO THEIR STREET. SHE FIRES A MISSILE AT THE CAR IN FRONT OF THEM.

ANIS AND MATT JUMP AT THE FIREBALL ERUPTING IN FRONT OF THEM AND CRASH INTO IT.

ANIS
Seriously, dude, what the hell!

MATT
Fuck me! What are you doing wrong?

ANIS
Aw, fuck this.

ANIS FLIPS A SWITCH AND TWO JOYSTICKS DESCEND FROM THE CEILING. HE CLUTCHES BOTH AND SQUEEZES THE TRIGGERS. FROM BEHIND THE GRILLE, A PAIR OF MOUNTED MACHINE GUNS BEGIN FIRING.

ANIS FIRES CONTINUALLY UNTIL THE FLAMING WRECK OF THE DESTROYED INNOCENT CAR IS SHOT OUT OF THE WAY, LEAVING A CLEAR PATH TO SHOOT ISIS’ CAR.

HE DOES. ISIS’ CAR IS PEPPERED WITH HOLES AND STARTS TO LOOK LIKE A CHEESE GRATER. ISIS KNOCKS OUT THE WINDSCREEN WITH HER BAZOOKA. SHE SITS CALMLY IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT.

IT HITS THE CAR.

ANIS AND MATT, SAFE FROM DAMAGE DUE TO THE RESILIENCE OF THE CAR, STILL SCREAM BECAUSE THEY ARE TEMPORARILY BLINDED BY THE FLAMES.

ISIS SMIRKS AT THE CAR. SHE STOPS AS SHE SEES IT SPEED THROUGH THE FLAMES RIGHT FOR HER.

MATT
This girl sure is tenacious, isn’t she?

ANIS
That’s one way to describe her.

ANIS FLICKS ANOTHER SWITCH. BATTERING RAMS EMERGE FROM EACH SIDE OF THE CAR’S GRILLE. ANIS ACCELERATES TOWARDS ISIS’ CAR.

HE HITS, RAMMING HER CAR BACK. SHE FLIES FORWARD THROUGH THE CLEAR WINDSCREEN ONTO THE MERCEDES’ BONNET.

ANIS AND MATT LOOK CURIOUSLY AT THIS RELENTLESS BEAUTIFUL SILENT MONSTER. SHE TILTS HER HEAD CURIOUSLY BACK, HALF SINCERE, HALF MOCKING.

MATT
Do something, man.

ANIS HITS SOME SWITCHES, BUT MOST OF HIS ARSENAL HAS BEEN EXHAUSTED.

STINGER MISSILES RISE OUT OF THE BONNET. THEY FIRE, BUT ISIS EASILY DODGES THEM. THE MISSILES DESTROY SOME BILLBOARDS.

MATT
Can’t you get rid of her, man?

ANIS
Dammit, all my other offensive weaponry is for long range.

MATT
You don’t have any kind of, like, stun zappers or something.

ANIS
Nah, T didn’t mention that.

MEANWHILE, ISIS LITHELY CREEPS OVER THE WINDSCREEN ONTO THE ROOF. SHE PULLS OUT A CIGARETTE FROM A SPECIAL CASE. SHE LIGHTS IT AND STUBS IT ON THE ROOF. WE LEARN THAT SHE ISN’T STUBBING IT OUT, IT’S ACTUALLY A SPECIALISED HEATING DEVICE AND SHE IS BURNING THROUGH THE SUN ROOF.

MATT SPIES THESE SHENANIGANS ABOVE HIS HEAD BY A SMALL GLOWING RED HOLE IN THE ROOF.

MATT
Hey! She’s burning through the sunroof!

ANIS
What, that can’t be right, the car’s fireproof.

MATT
Well, she’s having quite a successful time.

ANIS
Oh of course, the exception is the sunroof.

MATT
Why?

ANIS
Because of the ejector seat.

ANIS HAS AN IDEA.

ANIS
Your seatbelt’s on right?

MATT
Always.

ANIS
I have to eject you.

MATT
Whoa, what!

ANIS
You’ll be fine, as long as you’re strapped in.

MATT SCOFFS.

ANIS
Now when I press this button, the roof will slide open and you will fire up into the sky. I want you to plant this…

ANIS PICKS UP A TINY DEVICE OUT FROM THE WHEEL.

ANIS (CONT’D)
…onto Isis. It’s a GPS tracker. I’ll be able to follow her with the all points radar system.

MATT TAKES THE TRACKING BUG.

MATT
What about me?

ANIS
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser. You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger. You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together. All I know is that love will save the day.

MATT
Hmm I suppose, could you be a little less vague?

ANIS
Keep your head, and if I don’t make it, you have to find out the location of Synop$ense and thwart Thornevil and the Murdering Mistresses…and whoever owns Synop$ense.

MATT
Mm.

ANIS
Good luck, dude!

ANIS PRESSES A BUTTON UNDER THE HANDBRAKE. THE ROOF SUDDENLY SLIDES OPEN.

ISIS RECOILS AND TURNS OFF THE BURNING CIGARETTE. SHE LOOKS INSIDE THE CAR.

MATT IS SENT FLYING INTO THE AIR HIGH ALOFT BILLOWING GUSTS OF STEAM. ON HIS WAY UP, HE GRABS ISIS AROUND THE NECK BOTH THROTTLING HER AND PLANTING THE BUG.

HE HOLDS ON TIGHT AND LIFTS HER INTO THE AIR, BAZOOKA AND ALL.

UNFORTUNATELY, AS HE WAS EJECTED JUST AS THE MERCEDES WAS DRIVING UNDER A LAMPPOST, ISIS DOES NOT GET VERY HIGH. HER SKULL SMASHES INTO THE LAMPPOST AND MATT CARRIES ON INTO THE SKY.

THE CAR ROOF SLIDES BACK SHUT.

MATT
Errrrrrrrrrrrr…

ISIS HITS THE GROUND WITH A CRACK. FURIOUS, SHE AIMS AT MATT, BUT REALISES SHE ONLY HAS ONE ROCKET LEFT.

SHE STANDS UP AND PUNCHES THROUGH A RANDOM PARKED CAR’S WINDOW. SHE YANKS OPEN THE DOOR AND RIPS OFF THE COVERING BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL. SHE PUNCHES THE WIRES LYING UNDERNEATH. THE CAR STARTS.

THE EJECTED CHAIR’S PARACHUTE OPENS AND MATT LANDS SAFELY ON A CACTUS.

SCENE TWELVE:

EXT. BRIGHTON DOCK AREA - DAY

MEANWHILE, ANIS IS FORCED TO GO TO THE DOCKS. ISIS HAS PURSUED HIM AND THEY ARE BOTH ON THEIR LAST BIT OF WEAPONRY, AND NEITHER WANTS TO USE IT UP ON A SHOT THAT ISN’T DEADLY.

ANIS MANOEUVRES OVER A DOCK.

ISIS SEES HER CHANCE.

ISIS PSYCHOTICALLY BLOWS OUT THE DOCK AND IT CRUMPLES INTO THE WATER. THE MERCEDES FLIPS OVER INTO THE WATER.

A SMALL CROWD GATHERS.

CUT TO:

INT. SUBMERGED MERCEDES

IN ANIS’ CAR, WATER IS SEEPING IN.

ANIS
What? Isn’t this thing waterproof?

FLASHBACK TO:

T PULLS A TARPAULIN OFF A BIG SEXY LOOKING CAR. A SLEEK MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR.

T
Your new car: bulletproof, bombproof, shockproof, fireproof, laserproof, and burglarproof. Proof of just about anything.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS
Ohhh yeaaaah…

CAR’S VOICE
Scanning all systems.

ANIS LOOKS AT THE STEERING WHEEL. THE MERCEDES LOGO IN THE CENTER DISAPPEARS LEAVING A RED BUTTON WITH WHITE LETTERING ON.

CAR’S VOICE
Damage: catastrophic.

ANIS READS THE WHITE LETTERING. IT READS ‘IN CASE OF UNDERWATER EMERGENCY’. WATER IS COMING IN AT ALL SIDES, ALL OVER HIS BLACK OXFORDS. ANIS ADJUSTS HIS POSITION. HITS THE BUTTON.

CUT TO:

EXT. BRIGHTON DOCK AREA

PEOPLE STARE AT THE SMOKING WRECK, INCHING CLOSER…

CUT TO:

INT. SUBMERGED MERCEDES

CAR’S VOICE
Eject sequence initiated.

ARM GUARDS GRAB ANIS’ FOREARMS AS EXPLOSIVE BOLTS FIRE ALL AROUND THE DRIVERS SEAT…

ANIS GRABS THE WHEEL AS HIS SEAT MECHANICALLY SLIDES BACK. ANIS IS TURNED OVER SO HE IS LYING ON HIS FRONT. HIS GRIP IS FIRM ON THE WHEEL, THE GUARDS ON HIS ARMS KEEPING HIM IN PLACE.

CAR’S VOICE
Goodbye.

CUT TO:

EXT. BRIGHTON DOCK AREA

THE CROWD JUMPS. PANELS OF THE FRONT OF THE CAR BLOW OUT.

THE CROWD STARES, OPEN MOUTHED, AS ANIS EMERGES HOISTED UP AND OUT OF THE DROWNING CAR BY THE FRONT POD, LEVERING OVER THE FRONT WHEEL. THE POD PUSHES THE OTHER WHEEL IN FRONT TO FORM A TYPE OF SUBMERSIBLE. THE TYRES BLOW OUT REVEALING PROPELLERS UNDERNEATH.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNDERWATER

THE SUBMERSIBLE SHOOTS FORWARD, BURSTING FREE AS THE MERCEDES DETONATES, DYING IN A MASSIVE UNDERWATER FIREBALL. ANIS’ CAPE SUCKS TOGETHER, FORMING A TIGHT PACK ON HIS SHOULDERS, CLEAR OF THE CHURNING REAR PROPELLOR OF THE SUBMERSIBLE. OH WAIT, HE DOESN’T WEAR A CAPE. IGNORE THAT LAST BIT.

CUT TO:

EXT. BRIGHTON DOCK AREA

ISIS WATCHES THE SMOKY WRECK BUBBLING OUT OF THE WATER AND GETS BACK INTO HER CAR SATISFIED. SHE SPEEDS OFF AWAY.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNDERWATER

THE SUBMERSIBLE STREAKS THROUGH BRIGHTON’S SUBTERRANEAN MURKY CHASMS. A WRAITH…

THE HOLOGRAPHIC HEADS UP DISPLAY (HUD) ON THE SUBMERSIBLE’S FRONT WINDOW GIVES THE GPS POSITION OF ISIS’ CAR. IT IS RAPIDLY GETTING AWAY.

A SCUBA DIVER USING A METAL DETECTOR SUDDENLY STOPS AS HE NOTICES THE BEEPING IS GETTING VERY FRANTIC. HE LOOKS UP SHARPLY AND STARES THROUGH HIS GOGGLES TRANSFIXED AS THE SUBMERSIBLE TEARS PAST. A FOUNTAIN OF BUBBLES SIGNIFY HIS YELP AS THE SUBMERSIBLE SMASHES THROUGH HIS METAL DETECTOR.

ANIS ACCELERATES, OBLIVIOUS TO THE STACCATO OF CORAL AS THE SUBMERSIBLE RAZORS THROUGH ROCKS AND RUSTY TROLLEYS.

THE HUD SHOWS THAT HE IS ABOUT TO LOSE TRACK OF ISIS’ SIGNAL.

ANIS SQUEEZES HIS TRIGGERS, BLASTING AT THE ROCKS BLOWING THEM OUT OF THE WAY, LITERALLY CANNONING A PATH FOR THE SUBMERSIBLE.

THEN, RELIEF AS HE REALISES HE IS GETTING CLOSER.

SLIGHT PANIC AS ANIS REALISES HE ISN’T GETTING CLOSER TO HER, SHE IS GETTING CLOSER TO HIM. HE SEES HER SIGNAL CLOSING.

HE IS ALARMED TO LEARN THAT SHE IS POSITIONED IN HIS EXACT SPOT. HE LOOKS UP AND JUST ABOUT SEES THE CLEAR SKY THROUGH THE DEEP WATER.

HE WATCHES CONFUSED AS IT TRANSPIRES THAT ISIS IS MOVING FURTHER OUT TO SEA. HE TILTS THE SUBMERSIBLE DOWNWARDS SO HE CAN SEE WHAT LIES ON THE OCEAN FLOOR.

TO HIS SURPRISE HE SEES A TUNNEL LEADING TO A VAST BLACK REFLECTIVE BLOB ON THE OCEAN FLOOR. FOLLOWING ISIS’ SIGNAL, HE PROPELLS PAST THE TUNNEL A HALF MILE.

HE REACHES THE GIANT BLACK BLOB. IT IS A MASSIVE UNDERWATER EVIL LAIR. HE GUNS AROUND THE PERIMETER, LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GET IN.

HE SPIES A LIGHT DOWN BELOW. HE MANOEUVRES AROUND SO HE CAN GET A BETTER LOOK. IT’S AN OPEN TUNNEL, GIVING UNDERWATER ENTRANCE TO THE LAIR.

ANIS RACES UP A RAMP INTO A BLINDING LIGHT.

SMASH TO BLACK.

SCENE THIRTEEN:

INT. GA943 – NIGHT

HAMZA HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF GA943. HE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A BLANK SCREEN. THE SIX REMAINING AGENTS, MARIA, EMMA, LAURA, DOREEN, ANNIKA AND SAIFUR

HAMZA
Alright, guys, we lost Anis, but he’s not important. The lunatic who demolished Sussex with a missile launcher is. She tried to kill Anis and Matt, and clearly something fishy is going on. We know her identity, though.

HE CLICKS A BUTTON ON THE POWER POINT PROJECTOR. ISIS COMES ONTO THE SCREEN.

HAMZA
Isis Connollyngus. 26 years old, 5’10’’, and like Margot Kidder in the mid 90s, she’s an unstoppable killing machine. She must be stopped.

AGENT ANNIKA INTERRUPTS.

ANNIKA
But you just said she’s unstoppable.

HAMZA
Well, not literally, come on, have a brain. She attacks with extremely high strength and constitution. She is part of a gang of mercenaries called the Murdering Mistresses.

DOREEN
That’s a really rubbish name.

HAMZA
Enh, it gets the point across, and there’s alliteration, so it sticks in your mind. You do have a point, though.

DOREEN SMILES.

HAMZA
The other members include known assassin Atia Shahft,

HE CLICKS A SLIDE AND ATIA HITS THE SCREEN.

HAMZA (CONT’D)
…6 foot muscle bound ex-heavyweight champion and also a finalist at the 2004 Miss Wimbledon swimsuit competition.

HE CLICKS A SLIDE OVER TO REVEAL A QUESTION MARK.

HAMZA
There is a third member who is skilled at infiltration, and we do not know her identity yet, all we know is that the three of them have matching tattoos. On Monday, a woman, most certainly Connollyngus took down a police helicopter and several squad cars with an insane bazooka then crashed her car into the IMAX cinema.

HAMZA CLICKS AND A NEW SLIDE COMES ON TO THE SCREEN SHOWING THE CAR WRECK ON TOP OF THE CRUSHED AUDIENCE MEMBERS. (RIP GARY AND SUMAYYA)

HAMZA
While there was no sign of her, the police found documents on the stolen Shibboleth device in the glove compartment. The paper had a header indicating that it was printed for a company called Synop$ense.

HAMZA CLICKS AND ‘SYNOP$ENSE’ HITS THE SCREEN.

HAMZA
Yesterday, when I found Anis, he was adamantly refuting any claim into inciting the barbecue massacre, maintaining that David Thornevil was behind it all. The public billionaire hasn’t been able to comment so far, he is currently unreachable. So if we entertain Anis’ theory for the moment, we have a billionaire near destroying a government agency pinning it on an agent. The agent pulls out the name of a company called Synop$ense. A devastating device goes missing, and twice in two days a blonde girl, connected to Synop$ense fires a rocket at Anis.

LAURA
If they are so set on killing Anis, why did they ‘frame’ him for the barbecue killings?

HAMZA
I don’t know, the whole thing doesn’t make sense to be, but all I know is, this Isis is dangerous, and she’s connected to Synop$ense. Synop$ense’s address is a mystery, but we’ve had an anonymous tip off as to where it’s located. Initially I was sceptical, but sat confirmed it. We are going to pay Synop$ense a visit.

SCENE FOURTEEN:

INT. UNDERWATER LAIR

THE SUBMERSIBLE SLOWLY EDGES UP THE RAMP OUT OF THE WATER. ANIS DEPRESSURISES THE CABIN, AND OPENS UP THE HATCH TO EXIT. HE DISMOUNTS FROM THE VEHICLE AND STEPS OUT ON TO DRY GROUND. HE LOOKS AROUND THIS ENVIRONMENT. THERE ARE VAST GLASS WINDOWS LOOKING OUT INTO THE DARK MURKY SEA. THERE IS AN ENTRANCE TO THE MAIN BUILDING. ANIS PULLS OUT HIS GUN, AND ATTACHES A SILENCER TO IT.

ANIS SLIDES IN THROUGH THE DOOR AND SILENTLY SWEEPS THROUGH THE CORRIDORS.

HE NAVIGATES THROUGH SEVERAL ROOMS. HE SLIDES INTO A SERVICE ELEVATOR. THERE ARE LEVELS. HE PUSHES THE BUTTON THAT TAKES HIM TO THE TOP FLOOR. HE GOES UP TWO FLOORS AND SUDDENLY THE LIFT STOPS. IT MAKES A ‘DING’ SIGNALLING SOMEONE IS ABOUT TO ENTER.

ANIS PUTS HIS BACK AGAINST THE WALL AND AIMS STRAIGHT AT THE DOORS.

HE UNCLICKS THE GUN’S SAFETY CATCH.

THE DOORS OPEN.

LAUREN REACTS TO ANIS SHOCKED, BUT IMMEDIATELY PUTS A FINGER TO HER LIPS.

ANIS LOOKS ANGRY.

LAUREN (SCARED)
What are you doing here?

ANIS
I’ve come to stop you.

LAUREN
I agree. This is not what I want.

ANIS
What do you mean? You’re switching sides again?

LAUREN
I want to do good! I am sick of living in fear like this.

ANIS LAUGHS DERISIVELY.

ANIS
Ha! That’s nothing compared to how scared you’ll be hiding from the other members of your gang.

LAUREN
I’m telling the truth.

ANIS
So what were all the other times?

LAUREN
I’m just in too deep, last night at Thornevillage, I had no choice, I did everything to protect you. I hesitated, remember? That night in Matt’s bed, that was real. You can trust me, now. I’m taking a stand.

ANIS
Why did you grab my satchel? That could have cleared my name.

LAUREN
Your name is going to get cleared, don’t worry. I have alerted GA943 to where we are, and they’ll be on their way to take down Khusty.

ANIS
Khusty?

LAUREN
He’s behind it all. Look, I’m telling the truth.

ANIS
That name sounds so familiar.

LAUREN
He’s deranged, look how can I get you to believe me? I’m going to pull out my gun and give it to you.

ANIS KEEPS HIS AIM ON HER AS SHE CAREFULLY PULLS OUT HER GUN.

BEHIND LAUREN, ISIS COMES THROUGH A DOOR. ISIS IS COVERED IN SCRATCHES AND STILL HAS A SPIKE STICKING OUT OF HER HEAD. HER CLOTHES ARE RIPPED. SHE STOPS IN HER STRIDE AND REACTS TO LAUREN AND ANIS IN SILENT SHOCK.

QUICK AS A FLASH LAUREN WHIPS ROUND AND SHOOTS ISIS IN THE NOSE BEFORE ANIS HAS TIME TO AIM. ISIS’ HEAD SPLATS AGAINST THE GLASS AND THE SOUND OF LAUREN’S GUN ECHOES AROUND OMINOUSLY.

ISIS DROPS TO HER KNEES, HEADLESS. HER ARMS GROPE BLINDLY FOR A GUN, DESPITE HOW HER HEAD HAS BEEN COMPLETELY ERASED.

THEN SHE FLOPS DOWN, SIGNIFICANTLY AND FINALLY DEAD.

ANIS
What the fuck’s in that gun?

LAUREN
Exploding bullets.

PAUSE TO TAKE THAT IN.

LAUREN
Look we don’t have much time, where are you going.

ANIS
I was going to go to the top and work my way down.

LAUREN
Good, go to the top floor, you’ll find yourself on a gangway overlooking Khusty and his two henchmen.

LAUREN GETS IN THE LIFT WITH HIM. ANIS KEEPS HIS AIM ON HER.

LAUREN LOOKS AT THE GUN STILL BEING TRAINED ON HER.

LAUREN
Stop being a loser, I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you.

ANIS TRIES TO KEEP HIS AIM ON HER, BUT HIS HANDS SHAKE A LITTLE. HE COMPROMISES AND PUTS THE SAFETY BACK ON.

ANIS
How are you gonna explain the gunshot?

LAUREN
Don’t worry about it.

THEY GO UP TO THE SIXTH FLOOR. ANIS GETS OUT OF THE LIFT. LAUREN REMAINS.

ANIS
You aren’t coming?

LAUREN
I’m going down a floor to meet Khusty. It ends tonight.

AND WITH THAT, SHE LEAVES. ANIS CREEPS OVER AND WATCHES THE PEOPLE ON THE FLOOR BELOW.

SCENE FIFTEEN:

INT. UNDERWATER LAIR, KHUSTY’S OFFICE.

IN THIS ROOM, BEHIND A DESK, IS A WHITE FACED GHOUL, KHUSTY THE KLOWN. BESIDE HIM ARE HENCHMAN AND WASTEMAN. LAUREN ENTERS THE ROOM.

KHUSTY
Aha, Murdering Mistress Number 3, with the reverse vitiligo follicles, please explain that gun shot.

LAUREN
I had to shoot Isis. She…

KHUSTY
Fascinating, can I interrupt?

LAUREN
Um…

KHUSTY
Just pop your clothes off.

LAUREN
Excuse me?

KHUSTY
Person-about-to-get-killed-says-what?

LAUREN
Oh please, I’m a grown woman, I’m not going to fall for that, I’ve heard that like a million times, I’m not an idio…wait, what?

KHUSTY PULLS OUT A KNIFE AND MIMES SLASHING AT HER. HE LEAPS OVER THE DESK TO CUT HER. LAUREN SCREAMS AND JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY. THE KNIFE NARROWLY MISSES.

LAUREN
What the hell? Why do you want to kill me??

KHUSTY
Kill you? HEHEHEHEHEHE! Why would I wanna kill you? I’ll tell ya why, you see, you and David, you’re scheeeeemers. Me, I’m an agent of chaos, like the leper, dropped at the first chips, and they’ll eat each other. There’s a lot of potential for expansive aggressions, like gunpowder and gasoline, you see I’m not a monster, I’m like a virgin chasing cars, I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I caught one. You’ve changed things, forever. There’s no going back. See, it’s not about the money…it’s about the message. Have a new sex…on Cicero.

LAUREN
You can’t kill me, it’s against the rules!

KHUSTY
Welcome to a world without rules.

LAUREN
You’re crazy!

KHUSTY LOOKS UP AND SCRATCHES HIS NECK.

KHUSTY
No…I’m…not. I’m…not. I just like to introduce a little anarchy, upset the established order, for example, ‘last words any’?

LAUREN SHUTS HER EYES.

LAUREN
I love you.

KHUSTY
Very poor choice of words!

ANIS, WATCHING FROM THE GANGWAY ABOVE, IS NOW CONVINCED. HE SHOOTS KHUSTY THEN WASTEMAN.

KHUSTY
Ha ha! You have nothing!

WASTEMAN (WHO WAS ONCE CALLED PARDEEP) DROPS DEAD. HENCHMAN STARTS GOING UP THE STAIRS TO THE SIXTH FLOOR TO GET ANIS.

ANIS JUMPS OVER THE GANGWAY TO THE FLOOR BELOW WITH A CRACK. HE ROLLS ON HIS BACK TO SHOOT KHUSTY.

KHUSTY IS PLEASED.

KHUSTY
Anis, so glad you could drop in.

ANIS LETS OUT A GIGGLE.

ANIS
You know, that actually wasn’t a bad joke.

KHUSTY
What joke?

ANIS
Ah forget it. So you’re the one behind this. Where’s David?

KHUSTY
He’s sleeping with the fishes.

ANIS
You killed ’im?

KHUSTY
Well he was headed for a dead end.

ANIS
Wait, was that a pun? Or was he seriously heading for a…ah you know what it doesn’t matter.

ANIS SHOOTS KHUSTY FOUR TIMES IN THE CHEST, EMPTYING THE CLIP.

HENCHMAN COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

KHUSTY PATS HIS CHEST. WE HEAR A METALLIC CLUNK. HE’S PROTECTED.

HENCHMAN STARTS LAUGHING.

HENCHMAN
Hegh hegh hegh hegh heh. Yeghyeghyegh!

KHUSTY
All the old familiar places. You have nothing. Nothing to threaten me with. Nothing to do with all your strength…killing is making a choice.

ANIS IS PERTURBED BY THE USAGE OF THE WORD ‘FAMILIAR’.

ANIS
We’ve met before?

KHUSTY
Sorry, in a minute, but I’m curious about this girl here, why the sudden change of allegiance, what happened, your balls drop off?

LAUREN
I found myself in a pickle…

ANIS
Instead of it being the other way round.

KHUSTY
And I thought MY jokes were bad.

LAUREN
I was in love.

KHUSTY
Ugh, only a human could invent something as insipid as love.

KHUSTY GRABS LAUREN’S GUN.

KHUSTY
Explosive bullets, eh?

LAUREN
How did you…you were watching us? I saw the schematic, and it said there were no cameras!

KHUSTY
You can’t spell ‘surveillance’ without ‘lie’. Don’t think I didn’t see that little profession of romance in the lift. I knew you’d draw him out. And I also learned GA943 is on its way to get me…we can’t have that.

KHUSTY COCKS THE GUN AT ANIS

LAUREN
Please don’t shoot him!

KHUSTY
You don’t know me very well. You like Mozart. I kill with knives…or sometimes piranhas…and actually I did shoot all the other henchmen when I stole the Shibboleth thing, but usually I use knives. You know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You don’t get to savour all the little emotions. See, in their last moments, people show you who they really are…Say, you want to know how I got these scars?

LAUREN DOES NOT ANSWER, SHE IS DISGUSTED.

KHUSTY
Seabourne knows. It was his fault. Remember, Anis?

ANIS
I didn’t do this to you, I’ve never seen you bef…wait…Khus????

KHUSTY
You can call me Khusty now. Eight years. You haven’t changed a bit. Listen, Beautiful…

INDICATING LAUREN.

KHUSTY (CONT’D)
Let’s wind the clock back eight years, he and I were partners at GA943, and I wanted out, I was gonna go public with Synop$ense. I was doing his girlfriend at the time, beautiful, like you, behind his back and she also worked for the agency. She tells me I oughta smile more, leave the agency. She turned rogue first, and she, he, Matt and I had it all out at this chemical factory in Bratislava. The three of us were meant to blow it up, rendering the chemicals inert. We chose to go large that day, but like with every sexual encounter, things went horribly wrong. We thought we could rely on Anis to join us, but I guess that’s what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. She shot me with a blank so I could fake my death, but unbeknownst to my knowledge, this guy switched the time on the detonators from six minutes to three minutes and I had no time to escape. She, he, and Matt escaped, but I was blown up and fried with all this chemical waste. Now she can’t stand the sight of me. It was Khus who said ‘mother’ then, muffled under Chemex. It was Khus who closed his eyes. It was Khusty the Klown who opened them again. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world. Was Khusty. Khusty will suffice. Now I see the funny side. Now I’m always smiling. I am free. And if you’re free at something, never do it for good.

SATISFIED WITH HIS SPEECH, HE SHOOTS THE GLASS BEHIND ANIS. THE BULLET EXPLODES AND THE GLASS OF THE AQUARIUM SPIDERS.

LAUREN
That’s gonna cave in, and we’ll all be dead!

KHUSTY
It’s allll part of the plan.

LAUREN (INCREDULOUS)
Plan??

KHUSTY
Do I really look like a guy with a plan? I better go. Henchman!

HENCHMAN
Hegh hegh hegh hegh heh.

KHUSTY GRABS LAUREN.

KHUSTY
Oh yes, you’re coming with me.

LAUREN IS TERRIFIED AND POUTS PLEADINGLY.

KHUSTY
Hmmmm…Let’s put a smile on that FACE!

LAUREN
I have a naturally downward pointing mouth!!

ANIS
Wait, Khus, you said ‘she’ escaped in Bratislava, you don’t mean…

KHUSTY JUST LAUGHS AND LEAVES HIM.

KHUSTY AND HENCHMAN ESCAPE WITH LAUREN, DRAGGING HER TO THE LIFT. HE HURLS HER IN. ANIS GETS UP AND RUNS FULL PELT AFTER THEM AT THE END OF THE ROOM, BUT THERE ISN’T ENOUGH TIME. THE LIFT DOORS ARE CLOSING. ANIS INTUITIVELY PICKS HIS GOLD CARD OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SLIDES IT BACK. HE THROWS THE CARD AFTER THEM AS ONE WOULD A THROWING KNIFE.

WE FOLLOW THE CARD AS IT FLIES ACROSS THE ROOM, ROTATING. THE LIFT DOORS CLOSE JUST AS THE CARD IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE LIFT, CLOSING ON THE CARD.

INSIDE THE LIFT, LAUREN IS COWERING IN A CORNER, AND KHUSTY IS GRINNING FIENDISHLY…ALBEIT NORMALLY DUE TO THE SCARS.

OUTSIDE THE LIFT, ANIS CROUCHES DOWN AND HIDES BEHIND A DESK.

THE CREDIT CARD EXPLODES.

INSIDE THE LIFT, EVERYONE IS BLOWN TO THE FLOOR.

ANIS IS IMMEDIATELY ON HIS FEET. HE SPEEDS OVER TO THE LIFT, WAVING AWAY SMOKE AND SHEILDING HIS FACE FROM SPARKS.

THE LIFT IS STUCK HALFWAY BETWEEN THE FIFTH AND THE FOURTH FLOOR. INSIDE THE LIFT IS THE CHARRED SKELETAL REMAINS OF HENCHMAN (WHOSE NAME WAS LOIC, BTW), KHUSTY IS SEEMINGLY UNCONSIOUS OR DEAD, LYING ON THE GROUND, HIS FACE SCORCHED AND THE MAKE UP BURNT OFF. LAUREN IS STILL IN HER CORNER, HER BACK BADLY BURNT. ANIS JUMPS DOWN INTO THE LIFT.

ANIS
Lauren!

LAUREN
Anis!

ANIS
Are you ok?

LAUREN
I think so, the Henchman took most of the explosion.

ANIS EYES KHUSTY SUSPICIOUSLY AND DISARMS HIM. HE ALSO TAKES THE KNIFE. ANIS PRIES OPEN THE ELEVATOR DOORS ON THE FLOOR BELOW.

ANIS
Can you stand?

LAUREN
I think so.

LAUREN ATTEMPTS TO. THERE IS A LOUD CRACK AND SIZZLE.

LAUREN
Ah! My back!

ANIS
Don’t exert yourself, just get through here.

HE GUIDES HER THROUGH THE LIFT DOORS. SHE FALLS DOWN ONTO THE FOURTH FLOOR. ANIS GOES AFTER HER. MATT IS ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.

ANIS
Dude!

MATT
Dude! What happened, are you ok?

ANIS
I’m fine, how come you’re here?

MATT
I worked out a double zero code was for offshore subterranean buildings.

ANIS
Nice work. Hey remember Khus?

MATT
That psycho? Yeah.

ANIS
He orchestrated everything.

MATT
Is that what he said, that ‘he’ orchestrated everything?

KHUSTY SITS UP AND SHOUTS FROM THE LIFT. EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM. HIS HEAD RESEMBLES A LUMP OF COAL.

KHUSTY
You have defeated me, but the person behind all of this, was right under your nose! Hahahaa!

ANIS DRAWS CONFUSION ON HIS FACE.

KHUSTY
You see, how well do you know your friends?

KHUSTY DIES.

ANIS FURROWS HIS CATERPILLAR EYEBROWS AT HIS FINAL WORDS.

FLASHBACK TO:

MATT
Umm, I’m an ex secret agent, who has been set for life because he killed President Taylor and saved the free world, and STILL I get this image of being a nerd. I think it’s the glasses.

MATT TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND PUTS THEM ON TOP OF THE TABLE. HE PLACES THEM ON TOP OF A MAGAZINE.

MATT
See how different and awesome I look now?

ANIS STARES AT THE MAGAZINE COVER.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS DRAWS COMPREHENSION ON HIS FACE. HIS VOICE FALTERS.

ANIS
Oh my god…

FLASHBACK TO:

MATT’S GLASSES ON THE MAGAZINE COVER. ON THE COVER IS DAVID THORNEVIL.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS LOOKS VERY WORRIED.

ANIS
…the glasses…

FLASHBACK TO:

MATT’S GLASSES ON THE MAGAZINE COVER. ON THE COVER IS DAVID THORNEVIL…CLEAR AS DAY.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS
…that Sonofabitch!

ANIS SPINS AROUND TO SHOOT MATT. HE HITS HIM IN THE NECK. MATT FIRES ON ANIS, SHOOTING HIM IN THE CHEST. ANIS FALTERS, THEN FALLS TO THE GROUND WITH A SHOUT.

ANIS
AH!

MATT CLUTCHES HIS NECK.

MATT
How did you know?

ANIS
Ah…ah! I knew it! You’re an imposter!

MATT
How did you know?

ANIS
The real Matt wore glasses…ah!

MATT
I’m wearing glasses.

ANIS
When you took your glasses off, at the barbecue, you put them on the magazine cover.

MATT
I did.

ANIS
Real glasses would have refracted the image of Thornevil on the cover, but I saw the image clearly…meaning the glasses’ lenses were neither concave nor convex…there was just plain glass!

MATT
Dammit!

ANIS
What happened to the real Matt McLeron?

MATT
I killed him.

ANIS DOES NOT GIVE A REACTION. HE IS IN TOO MUCH PAIN.

ANIS
How long have you been pretending to be him?

MATT
Since the barbecue. I had killed him nine days before.

ANIS
How is it that you look like him?

FLASHBACK TO:

MATT
I know a good plastic surgeon, dude…sort your face out, man. You used to be well fit.

FLASHBACK TO NOW:

ANIS
Oh…of course…

MATT
The penny’s dropped, has it?

ANIS
So who are you really?

MATT
Someone you know…but haven’t seen in years.

ANIS
We know each other?

MATT
Well I fooled you in the guise of Matt McLeron for so long, that must have involved quite a lot of personal research on him, and you two are a package deal. Of course we know each other.

ANIS
You…

MATT
Husband.

ANIS
…Cakes?

MATT
You can call me Shafa.

WE PRESS IN ON MATT’S FACE AND HE CASUALLY BRUSHES OF HIS GLASSES.

MATT
I can’t say the past few days haven’t been fun, guiding you through all these hoops.

ANIS
That makes no sense, we all thought you were dead, where’s Matt?

MATT
I told you, I killed him two weeks ago.

ANIS
He can’t be dead…you had so many chances to kill me, why have you been…

ANIS HAS TO COUGH UP SOME BLOOD.

ANIS (CONT’D)
…playing me like this, why didn’t you kill me?

MATT
I couldn’t kill you because it was too much fun. We’re going to do this forever.

ANIS
You’ll be in a padded cell, forever!

MATT
Maybe we could share one, after all madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.

ANIS FEELS KHUSTY’S KNIFE IN HIS POCKET.

SUDDENLY ATIA ENTERS.

ATIA
What – the – fuck. You?

MATT
Yes, me. Him, her, and you…

HE SHOOTS HER. SHE DIES.

MATT (CONT’D)
And me too…

MATT WALKS OVER TO ANIS AND AIMS AT HIS HEAD.

ANIS CLOSES HIS EYES, SEEMINGLY ACCEPTING DEATH.

MATT
A Bengali man will always die with a Bengali woman.

ANIS STABS MATT IN THE HEART.

MATT DIES.

ANIS LOOKS AT LAUREN.

ANIS
You were fucking useful, weren’t you?

LAUREN
Sorry, but you’re the one who set fire to my back!

ANIS
Ahh shaddap.

LAUREN
Ugh! You’re such a loser.

ANIS
We gotta get out of here before this place fills with water.

ANIS, CLUTCHING HIS PERFORATED CHEST HEROICALLY HELPS LAUREN TO HER FEET.

LAUREN
Ow-ow-ow-ow!

ANIS
It’s ok, you’ll be fine.

ANIS SIGHS.

ANIS (ADLIBBING)
I need a vacation.

THE LAST FEW MEMBERS OF GA943 SUDDENLY BURST IN UNEXPECTEDLY.

HAMZA
Are we too late?

ANIS
Just about.

HAMZA
What happened here?

ANIS
Matt was behind it all…it actually wasn’t Matt, though, it was an imposter, an ex-agent ex-girlfriend turned rogue who faked her death called Shafa Cakes. She was conspiring with another deranged presumed dead agent turned rogue Khus to destroy everything. Oh and by the way, that Shibboleth macguffin that practically everyone’s forgotten about, she’ll know where it is.

HE POINTS AT LAUREN.

LAUREN
Oh, that’s at Thornevillage still.

HAMZA
Oh, aye? Cheers. Wow, hey look, Anis, Division decided to promote me to Chief of Staff and give me a Purple Heart because of, well, you know.

HAMZA POINTS TO HIS SCARRED FACE.

ANIS
Oh, uhh…

HAMZA
I told them to shove it up their ass. They can blow me. We all know there’s someone far better qualified than me to take the reins.

ANIS
Me?

HAMZA
Yeah, boy! This is your promotion, and I expect it will begin with a nice long break. I’m still keeping that Purple Heart though, look at my face, motherfucker.

ANIS
Heh, Hamza Half-Face.

EVERYONE LAUGHS REMINISCENT OF CHEESY SEVENTIES TV SHOWS WHERE ALL THE MAIN CAST GATHER ROUND FOR A FINAL JOKE TO END ON, ‘AND THAT’S THE TOOTH’ FOR EXAMPLE.

ANIS
Hamza Hand-Face!

HAMZA (SERIOUS)
Alright, mate, let’s not forget who scarred me for life.

LAUREN
So it’s all over?

ANIS
Yes, it’s over.

LAUREN
Even though it’s been just three days, it feels like it took five months for everything to happen

ANIS
I share the same feeling.

LAUREN
I’m so glad it’s over.

ANIS
We can finally relax.

LAUREN
You wanna go somewhere to eat?

ANIS
Sure…hey, you know something?

LAUREN
Go on.

ANIS
It’s been a trying few days…

LAUREN
Agreed.

ANIS
I think I only got through it because I had you.

LAUREN
I feel the same.

ANIS
It’s a funny thing, this life…

UPBEAT MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY FROM NOWHERE.

ANIS (BREAKING INTO SONG)
It’s a funny thing, this life,
To live for so long and end by a knife.
Since I’ve met you, my world’s been shattered,
But none of that mattered,
Because I had you.

LAUREN (ALSO SINGING)
It’s a funny thing, this life,
To love so many, and not yet be a wife.
Since I’ve met you, I’ve double-crossed,
But at no cost,
Because I had you.

ANIS AND LAUREN DANCE TOGETHER WITH THE VIGOUR AND ENERGY THAT WOULD BE UNNATURAL IN OTHER PEOPLE AS INJURED AS THEY ARE.

THE MUSIC PLAYS.

THEY STOP DANCING TO SING SOME MORE.

ANIS (SINGING)
I respect that your life is tough,
So I confess that I’ve had enough.
I want to take it easy for a while,
And remember how to smile,
Because recently I’ve been gruff.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Tell me about it, Stud,
Like when you found my ID was a dud,
I thought I’d end up in a mortuary,
Purely because of the forgery

ANIS (SINGING)
There were reasonable concerns with trust,
But in all honesty I weren’t that fussed,
I thought I had you all sussed,
And now I’ve given into my lust.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Yes, surrender!!!!
I’ll tease and tantalise,
But in reality,
I want you between my thighs.

ANIS (SINGING)
I can no longer disguise,
My love in your eyes,
I love how they’re astigmatised,
And how your cheeks are of such wealthy size.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Why does everyone bring up my cheeks?
It’s just something in my family’s nature.
If you mention it more than once,
It will make me hate ya.

ANIS (SINGING)
It’s a funny thing, this world,
To walk for so long and now meet my girl.
Since I’ve met you, my body’s been battered,
But none of that mattered,
Because I had you.

LAUREN (SINGING)
It’s a funny thing, this world,
To express love in a song would usually make me hurl.
Since I’ve met you, there’ve been lives lost
But at no cost,
Because I had you.

THEY DANCE, BUT NOT TOGETHER. INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS FOR A WHILE.

THEY STOP DANCING TO SING.

ANIS (SINGING)
I don’t want you to hate me,
I want you to actually date me.
Our arguments won’t irritate me,
As long as you eventually fellate me.

LAUREN (SINGING)
I’m beginning to think I made the wrong choice,
Now that I’ve actually listened to your voice.
At first it was charming,
But now it’s alarming!

ANIS (SINGING)
Now, remove all that doubt,
You made a good shout.
Cheers for not killing me when I was a hostage,
So how about now we watch a bit of Lost-age?

LAUREN (SINGING)
Seeing as you put it so well,
I think you can go to hell.
I thought you were my one and only,
But actually I’d rather be lonely.

ANIS (SINGING)
Whoa there, hold yer horses!
Let’s not start getting divorces,
Before we’ve even been married away.
I think we’re both getting carried away

LAUREN (SINGING)
You’re right, we should slow down,
At least stop and look around.
Our relationship is bound to get caustic,
If it feels like one of us has forced it.

ANIS (SINGING)
So how about we go for some lunch?
We’ll shop at Lidl to avoid credit crunch.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Oh my god, I was having the same idea!
Could our relationship last on an alliance so mere?

ANIS (SINGING)
Damn straight, it’s a date!

LAUREN (SINGING)
That’s great! I’ll ovulate!

ANIS (SINGING)
But then if we mate…

LAUREN (SINGING)
In two weeks I’ll be late!

ANIS AND LAUREN (SINGING)
Because I had you!
Because I had you!
Although pregnant,
I won’t bid adieu!

ANIS (SINGING)
I have to infer,
That that won’t occur.
If you had spoken to Karen,
You’da learned that I’m barren.

LAUREN (SINGING)
Are you telling me you have tantamount,
To basically zero sperm count?

MATT’S CORPSE (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
How can I put it more plainly?
Rolling with Anis won’t give you a baby.

KHUSTY’S CORPSE (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
It’s true, no matter how much you beg,
None of the few swimmers will locate your egg.

HAMZA BREAKS INTO SONG.
HAMZA (SINGING)
It may seem unbelievable,
But his kid is inconceivable.

DAVID’S SKELETON (APPEARING FROM NOWHERE AND SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
While a good idea would be marriage,
You should expect to have a miscarriage.

OSCAR’S CORPSE (APPEARING FROM NOWHERE AND SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
It might be due to excessive usage of his laptop,
That you ain’t ever gonna get knocked up…

ATIA’S CORPSE (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
Or to those trouser pocketed mobile phones,
That he has no reproductive hormones.

ISIS’ MOUTH (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER, DESPITE BEING SEVERAL YARDS AWAY FROM HER HEAD)
Men! The minute you think you know them,
You find out they’re useless to your ovum.

WASTEMAN’S AND HENCHMAN’S CORPSES (SPRINGING TO LIFE FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER)
We could double team ya,
Cos he might have hyperprolactinaemia.

DOREEN, LAURA, SAIFUR AND RAMSEY (WHO HAS APPEARED FROM NOWHERE) SING LIKE A BARBERSHOP QUARTET

ALL FOUR
Forget about having a child,
Because that dude’s infertile.
To have a man like him would be tempting,
But is it worth it knowing his balls are empty?
You’re better off squatting over a bulldozer,
Than on that guy with his lax spermatozoa!

DOREEN (ACAPELLO)
His lax sperma… (HOLDS NOTE)

LAURA (SEMITONE HIGHER)
His lax sperma… (HOLDS NOTE)

SAIFUR (VERY DEEP)
His lax sperma… (HOLDS NOTE)

RAMSEY (FALSETTO)
His lax sperma… (HOLDS NOTE)

ALL FOUR
His lax spermatozoa!!!
Oh no, sir!
You can put it in any lady,
Without fear of making a baby!

RAMSEY AND SAIFUR
We wish to be like you, oh so wanton,

ALL FOUR
Cos sex is way better when you don’t have a condom!
Society’s played you a terrible trick,
And anatomically your dick is sick!

ANIS
My dick is sick?

ALL FOUR
It is sick, it is sick, it is sick sick sick,
AAAAAnatomically your dick is sick

EVERYBODY BAR ANIS (SINGING)
Tell me more, tell me more!

ANIS (SINGING)
Stop discussing my bag!

EVERYBODY BAR ANIS (SINGING)
Tell me more, tell me more!

LAUREN (SINGING)
Cos it sounds like a drag!

MUSIC COMES TO A HEAD AND STOPS FOR A HALF BEAT, THEN COMES BACK LOUDER THAN EVER. EVERYBODY REPEATEDLY CLICKS THEIR FINGERS AND SHUFFLES SIDEWAYS IN RHYTHM.

EVERYBODY (SINGING)
Oh, shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop.
Shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop,
Shoop-bop-bop,
Yeah!!

EVERYBODY CONTINUES SHOOPING AND DANCING AND CLICKING IN THE SAME FASHION, BAR LAUREN AND ANIS WHO TAKE CENTRE STAGE.

LAUREN (SINGING)
I’m really debating whether to date this guy!

ANIS (SINGING)
Dammit she should, there’s a hundred reasons why!

LAUREN (SINGING)
Is it possible to love someone who’s infertile?

ANIS (SINGING)
I just want to invade her vertical smile!

MUSIC BREAKS DOWN AS BLAKE RETURNS FROM DEATH TO BUST A RAP.

BLAKE (FREESTYLING)
They should stop debatin’
Whether they should be datin’
Just because there’ll be no fertilisin’
Don’t mean they shouldn’t be copulisin’
So here’s a line that I wrote
Just so it could rhyme with zygote
You and him are goin’ on major league
I don’t wanna say he made ya leave
Because that would suck majorly
Just because he has a duff phallus, he
Ain’t worth dumping over this fallacy
So please take heed
Fuckin’ this man will make you bleed!
Have you seen the size of his girth, bitch?
Any ho’d agree he’s worth it
So don’t be playin’ a brother
Just cause he can’t make you a mother
There’s plenty of other options
Like motherfuckin’ adoption
If you can deal with the socials watchin’
I wouldn't hold your breath with IVF
You more likely getting it from a penis
Than having an injection intravenous
Wait the IV stands for ‘In Vitro’ innit?
Sorry, I got confused there for a minute
Small complaint, cos it be m’wish
That there ain’t no Petri dish
Well none of that really matters
If you want those tiny feet pitter patters
Here’s an idea to save ya nation
Fuckin’ third party insemination!
Yeah, I’ll fuck ya bitch
I’ll fuck ya bitch
I got plenty o’ kids
I fucked around all over the place
So I won’t give a shit if it’s mixed race
Dwellin’ in melanin
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My libido
Let’s get stupid and contagious
Then plant it in your anus
With the lights out, it’s less dangerous
Hello, hello, hello, hello
Yeah I’ll fuck ‘er, motherfucker
I can be her hero
Cos I can make an embryo
I’ll bring my best lube, baby
No need for a test tube baby
I will happily do this service
So something lives inside ya cervix
Long’s I don’t get smacked by paternity fees
I can fulfil your maternity needs
So you oughta not falter
Cos I can give you a daughter
And break your water
And he can be there front and centre
The day you expel that placenta
And that li’l mixed race runt
Comes firing out of your c-

ANIS INTERRUPTS THIS AWFULLY RUDE FREESTYLE TO ENSURE THE CENSORSHIP OF THE C WORD

ANIS (SINGING)
On to a different subject:
I am loathe to detect,
That cos Isis did kill ya,
That’d be necrophilia.

BLAKE (SINGING)
Ah shit, I was so ready!
But damned if I’m dead already.

MUSIC COMES BACK. DANCING RESUMES.

ANIS (SINGING)
Hear me folks, I’m shook with disgust,
To have to hear my men discussed.
I’m not baby crazy at this point,
On that subject Loz and I are joint.
It’s not a worry for today,
It’s a concern for the future,
So shut up or I’ll shoot ya,
AGAIN, by the way.

LAUREN (SINGING)
I suppose Anis is right,
No need to confer tonight.
I can meet him in the middle,
And we’ll now have that lunch at Lidl.
You people aren’t even alive!
What do you know,
I’ll end up like Juno,
And the kid won’t survive.

EVERYBODY BAR ANIS AND LAUREN (SINGING)
Sorry, we get very antsy,
On the subject of pregnancy.
We couldn’t even escape death,
And got written out of Shibboleth.
Most of us are bad guys!
We aren’t reliable sources,
So ignore our voices,
And forget our advice.

ANIS (SINGING)
We’ve fought so many bad things coming before,
And there can only be more.
I know I’ll be fine when they do,
Because I’ll have you.

LAUREN (SINGING)
I know there’ll be problems in our relationship,
But I’ll have no problem facing it.
I know I’ll be fine when they do,
Because I’ll have you.

MUSIC BREAKS DOWN.

ANIS (SINGING)
Because I had you then…

LAUREN (SINGING)
Because I have you now…

ANIS (SINGING)
Because I’ll have you then…

LAUREN (SINGING)
I’ll stay with you now…

ANIS (SINGING)
I’m warm for your form…

LAUREN (SINGING)
I’m enticed by your eyes…

ANIS (SINGING)
We’ll go down a storm…

LAUREN (SINGING)
There’ll be no more lies…

ANIS (SINGING)
The future may be foreign…

LAUREN (SINGING)
I could end up deceased…

ANIS AND LAUREN (SINGING)
But I’m happy because,
I have my Lauren/Anis (EACH SAYS THE OTHER’S NAME)

MUSIC BUILDS UP IN A TRIUMPHANT CLIMAX IN WHICH EVERYONE DANCES AND WAVES SPARKLERS AS FIREWORKS GO OFF AND CONFETTI RAINS DOWN FROM THE CEILING.

ANIS
Jai ho!

THE END.

Shibboleth starred:




































Special thanks to Matt Hayoukane, Lauren Austin Harvey, Anis Alamgir, Clemmie Taylor and Daniel Bill.