Lost – 4.04 – Eggtown by McLeron

Previously on Lost: Nothing happened.

We open as we did on episode 1.04 on Locke’s scarred right eye. Instead of his second coming via the plane crash, in this episode he’s now a leader, sleeping in a cot. Fancy pants. He grabs some eggs from Ben’s fridge with sweet potatoes and melons. Locke makes breakfast, adds a melon to it, gets out a book and brings it to Ben, who is occupying Anthony Cooper’s old cell in the basement. Ben looks at the last two eggs and the book John has brought him. He is not impressed. He asks why he was moved from the rec room to the cell. Well, where would you put your prisoner? Locke says it’s because he wants Ben under his own roof. Ben asks where Locke is keeping ‘Miles, is it?’ That’s sillyness because he said Miles’ full name when listing everything he knew about Charlotte at the end of 4.02. Locke doesn’t say anything which earns him a taunt from Ben. He responds that he was hoping Ben could tell him about the spy on the ship. Ben coldly replies ‘I feel for you, John…you keep hitting dead ends, you couldn’t find the cabin, you can’t make contact with Jacob…’ I take issue with this as Ben has only raised two points here, and when you look at them, they both mean the same thing that Locke can’t find Jacob. That’s only one dead end. I hope Locke is clever enough to realise that he hasn’t really put a foot wrong so far, except his impoliteness to Charlotte, it’s just that Ben keeps showing him up by bragging about how much he knows. Ben says that Locke is so desperate for help, he’s even coming to the man who shot him for guidance. Ben tells Locke he’s more lost than he’s ever been before. Locke says he knows what Ben’s doing, and it won’t work. Good man, Locke, you’re living in the coolest house in Otherville (does he know about the random Swiss passport back room?), you’re being the leader you always wanted to be. Don’t let these meaningless words get to you. Ben replies spitefully ‘Excellent, John, you’re evolving!’ All this does is make Locke take the yummy looking eggs and melon away. Well done, Ben. Unfortunately, this tiny dig makes Locke lose it as he’s leaving and he throws them at a ridiculously fake wall which ripples. Ben hears this and looks smug.
Locke storms out of his house slamming the door. Kate sees this from afar and asks Claire what’s going on with the Lockodile. Claire has no ideas. Sawyer hopsalong and sweetly says ‘Mornin’ ladies’. It’s rather nice because it almost feels like how Lost should be when it’s ended. They are on the island, they all get on with each other. It’s less Lost than something like Little House on the Prairie. Sawyer rasps that the coffee smells good. Claire gets the hint and goes off to make a cup. Sawyer sits on the porch and remarks how it’s weird that they’re drinking coffee out of mugs. The last time they did that, they were hunting a haunting hog. We learn that Sawyer is shacking up with Hurley. Oi oi. Sawyer’s ready to shaft Hurley out of the picture so Kate can move in. Kate says she isn’t going to move in with Sawyer. What? Even I, a dude, want to live with Sawyer and Hurley, that would be awesome. Sawyer asks that if she didn’t want to bunk with him, why did she leave Jack, but Kate isn’t going to tell. Sawyer suspects she’s spying for Jack. She denies it, but refuses to tell Sawyer because she doesn’t trust him. You cold bitch. Sawyer nods, but you can tell he is crushed. He suspects it’s about the pregnancy, and Kate hides her expression with the coffee. ‘James,’ she says.
‘Yeah?’
‘Go home’
You cold, cold bitch.

FLASHFORWARD to a glossy lipped Katherine. Kate is nervously pouting in a car with some greasy lawyer type, who played Ronny Lobell, (or Lonny Robell) in 24 day 4. Kate wants to go in through the back way, but that’s not how the lawyer wants to play it. Kate is going to march in with her head held high. Kate swallows and they leave the car. The paparazzi outside go mad and snap her asking questions wildly. God, the Oceanic 6 was big news. We skip to the bailiff reading out a humorously long list of criminal charges while Kate tries to look impassive. She looks beautiful. All my pictures this week are just going to be of her because man oh man, Evangeline…you’re impossibly beautiful!
Kate pleads Not Guilty and there is murmured dissent (not to mention murmured assent). The bitchy prosecuting lawyer with the unwashed hair demands that Kate be taken into custody whilst the trail is ongoing. The lawyer objects and Kate looks almost scared

The judge rules that she be remanded, and Kate’s theme music gets really loud and overbearing. C’est tres dramatique.

LOST

‘Albucookie?’ asks Jin bemusedly? So he can read the alphabet? But 5 weeks ago he could only read Korean characters (or so Daniel Dae Kim’s agent would have you think). Sun finds this as hilarious as I do She dismisses Albucookie as being too hot. Jin asks about New ‘Yok’ and Sun says that there’s too many people. ‘More than Seoul?’ Jin asks with childlike wonder. Aah I miss him, he hasn’t had any lines this season and curse me for picking him in the fantasy league. I’m doing ok though, I picked Locke and Sayid, good choices so far. Jin says that they are going to get rescued any minute. Then he says in English ‘I...learn Engrish…for you…to live in America’ Sun wants to raise her baby at home. Jin picks her up on saying ‘our’ baby. Someone cries out and they look over to Jack who has returned with others. Sun and Jin scamper over to him swinging their arms. Jack is introducing everybody to the Rescuers. He tells Group B that Sayid and Desmond have left the island and are coming back for them. Sun asks the most often asked heart burning question ‘Where’s Kate?’ Did you not just hear Jack? Sayid and Desmond have left the island. That’s much bigger. Jack says she went with Locke. Haw haw.

Speaking of devils, Locke opens the door to Kate’s knock. She addresses Locke’s bloody hand. He says he just killed a chicken. Those really were the last two eggs then. NICE. He asks her what she wants. She wants to speak to Miles. Locke wants to know why. It’s personal. Locke says no. Kate’s a bit wrongfooted by the firmness of Locke’s reply and wants to know what gives Locke the right. Locke tells her this ain’t no democracy. Kate reasons that if it’s not a democracy, it’s a dictatorship. Only the Sith deal in absolutes! Locke tells her that if he was a dictator he would just shoot her and carry on. Then, he makes a further threat…dinner’s at 6. And he shuts the door. Kate walks off but spots Hurley with some food. What’s new? She asks if the foods for Miles and Hurley blows everything and tells her the answer then tells her where she can find him, then he realises that he was a big mouth. He’s a little hurt that Kate ‘totally scooby-dooed’ him. Kate says sorry. Don’t apologise Kate, remember ‘Oh Locke tied me up in a cupboard and went crazy and has totally, like, you know, um, yeah, abandoned, this whole, like, you know, barracky place.’ Hurley is reassured by Kate that she won’t let Miles go or tell Locke he screwed up. Kate makes her way to the boat house where Miles is kept. She enters it and talks to Miles, asking if she knows who he is. Miles is silent. She asks if he knows what she did. Miles decides to cut her a deal. Arrogant jerk. He needs to see somebody, when he sees them, he will tell Kate everything he knows about her. Kate wants to know who he wants to see. Miles says ‘Who do you think?’ I take issue with this. First of all Kate, it’s damn obvious he’s talking about Ben, he went totally crazy ballistic demanding to know where he is from Juliet just yesterday. And Miles, what kind of tosser are you, what was preventing you from saying the name? And writers, why are you trying to stretch out these episodes with such pointless dialogue?

FLASHFORWARD to jailkate. This episode’s writing credits are handed out to Elizabeth Sarnoff and Greggory Nations. Microsoft Spellchecker confirms my suspicions that some retard spelt Gregory wrong. The lawyer tells Kate that the DA herself is prosecuting. Kate’s best choice is to take a 15 year sentence, and serve 7 years. No way, says Kate. Her other option is life in prison. Kate says no to that. Typical Kate, the definition of fickle. She confessed to her mother…the star witness of the prosecution. They’re basically screwed unless…‘Him’ is in the courtroom. Kate isn’t having any of that. Who’s ‘He’?? ‘He’ is Kate’s son. Bum bum BUM!! Who is the father? Is that Sawyer’s kid? Where’s Sawyer? Who’s raising the kid? How many kids she got? Was it a caesarean? Kate got off the island? Kate’s not a virgin?

Back at the beach, Charlotte and Daniel are rearranging Dharma packaging, and Jack is trying the phone, to the avail of none. That’s a near mimickery of Jack’s flashforward. Is it me or has his head massively grown? Juliet recommends he try a number other than the boat like 911. Sun bitches over and asks what's wrong. Jack can’t make signal with Sayid, despite them having left ages ago. Sun bitches on asking ‘what if Locke is right, and these people are here to hurt us?’ Jack would never admit Locke was right…except in ep 2.20, where actually I thought Jack was in the right at that specific time back then at that time back then at that time of the episode when he said what he said about what happened about what happened at that specific time back that at that time in ep 2.20 and ting. Jack says Locke has no idea what he’s doing. Jack is right, Locke just killed a chicken, at this time of year on the island, you’re meant to be killing turkeys. Sun gives Jack a lowblow and asks why Kate is with Locke. Kate’s always sided with Locke. See episodes 1.11, 2.01, 2.18, 3.10, and they kind of got a bit distant when he rejected her in 3.15.

Kate’s ears are white, but they should be burning (another mystery of the island) with her as the subjects of these debates. She’s looking at Ben’s house, and asking Claire if that’s where Ben is being kept. Master Island informant Huggy Claire says ‘Word to the wise, but you didn’t here this from me, dawg, word on the street is yes, you dig?’ Kate asks Huggy how she knows and she replies ‘Shut your wordhole, Austen, I keeps my ears to the ground you picking up on what I’m putting down? Peace, triple platinum, doing fifty a week, still’ Kate asks Claire if Locke ever comes out of his house. Claire says that Locke is cooking them all dinner. Aaron starts moaning. Claire asks Kate to sort Aaron out. What’s stopping you, Black Widow? Kate looks petrified. She says that she’s not very good with babies. Despite having delivered him? Well it’s good to know that she evolved in some way between flashforwards. Claire realises that Aaron’s godmother (and if Jate ever happens, auntie) is as useful as a one legged man at an arse kicking contest and nurtures Aaron herself. Hmm last week Sayid significantly said he would never work for Ben then the flashforward showed he worked for Ben. This week Kate has significantly said she’s no good with Aaron. This means the flashforward will significantly show *gasp* …Kate works for Ben. Nope, no logic there, give it time I’ll have a better theory soon. Claire laughs gaily and tells Kate she should try being a mum sometime. Er, Claire, did you not hear Juliet’s tape where it said that Austen was suspected preggers? Am I the only person who remembers every detail of this program in its entirety. Even now I’m recapping Eggtown from memory. (Well…if you consider playing a few seconds then immediately writing down what happens then taking a sideways look at the ongoing drama ‘from memory’)

We FLASHFORWARD to the court case. The lawyer tells Kate ‘Don’t kill me’ yeah, that’s what her father, her childhood sweetheart, and the US Marshall said. And where are they now? The lawyer continues ‘We got killed in the opening, I had to do this’ Before he can say what, the judge prompts him to bring forth his special surprise witness. The defence calls Doctor Agent Captain Jack Sparrow Bauer Shepherd to the witness stand. Jack looks oh so dashing. The DA is pissed but the judge is more interested in making good TV and allows Jack to testify. Jack swears the oath to tell the truth, and then proceed to tell a stupid amount of lies. He says that Kate told him herself that she was being transported from Sydney as a fugitive. Then he says that only 8 survived. Interesting… Two of them Kate tried to save, then Kate interrupts him calling a halt to his testimony. Damn, I wanted some names. The lawyer has used Jack to the best use possible anyway. The DA has to be a bitch on the cross and ask Jack if he loves Kate. The senile judge allows this painful question to go ahead. Jack’s answer is ‘Not any more’

Back in real time Lost island style, is an inspired scene. If ever there was an opportunity for a spinoff show in Lost it would be this. Sawyer and Hurley bunked up together. Hurley is a sweet but annoying lovable Homer Simpson type dope, and Sawyer is the irritable Oliver Hardy, the Son from Steptoe, the Hancock from Hancock’s Half Hour, the Chandler to Hurley’s Joey. It would so work! It would!! That’s the Lost I want to see. And Jin could be the immigrant neighbour. Hurley puts on the TV but Sawyer’s reading. There’s a knock at the door. It’s Kate. Sawyer’s very pleased to see her. She comes in. Hurley gives Sawyer a sly wink and Sawyer takes issue with it. Lol and that. Sawyer wants to take this conversation elsewhere. They go into the kitchen. Sawyer pours her a Dharma ’81 and asks her about life in Casa de Claire. It’s actually Casa de Juliet if you want to get technical. Sawyer makes light of Kate’s attempt to socialise and wants her to get to the point. She wants to use Sawyer to help her get Miles out.

Sawyer knocks on Casa de John and Ben (imagine THAT spinoff sitcom! Ben: John…John…John....you’re too weak! John: Aaaah shaddappa you face…) and proposes a game of backgammon. He knows just how to butter Locke up. They play. Locke suspects Sawyer is not confident in his abilities as a leader. Sawyer tells him everyone is willing to follow him…except Kate. She is a flight risk. Sawyer wants John to give his word that he won’t harm Kate. He doesn’t. Then he gives it. Sawyer tells Locke that she wanted Sawyer’s help to bust Ben out of the basement because Bruce Lee (Miles) told her to. Sawyer dobs Hurley in saying that he told everyone. John jumps to action but for some reason, instead of guarding Ben, he leaves the house unprotected to go off to see Miles. Sawyer is that good a con artist. Miles is gone! He’s with Kate, who breaks into the house (which doesn’t actually have a lock [or a Locke]) They scurry down to Ben’s wishbox cell. Kate shoots off the lock and gets Miles to Ben. Did Ben wish for that? Kate gives them one minute for them to talk, and no privacy. Miles asks if he knows him. Ben does. He also knows who Ben works for. Miles tells Ben that he has found him, and a pleased smile gets on his face. Miles tells Ben that he can go back and tell the Boss (the Economist?) that he is dead for 3.2 million dollars. Ben is surprised: ‘You’ve arranged this meeting so you can blackmail me?’ Miles: ‘Technically it’s extortion.’ Hey, I’m the one who gets to qualify everything with a ‘technically’ Ben is amazed ‘3.2…Well why not 3.3 or 3.4?’ Not only is Ben hilarious, he makes a damn good point. Miles doesn’t answer. Ben tries to deny having any access to that kind of money. Miles gets irate that Ben is underestimating him, and treating him as if he were a Lostaway. Ben thinks Charlotte is a problem as she has already seen him. Miles thinks he can take care of Charlotte, he just needs a week. Ben points out that he is hindered by his capture. Miles says he has a week, and then Kate brings the conversation to a halt. She holds Miles against a wall. He says ‘Ooo this is hot.’ Oh no it isn’t. Kate needs him to keep his end of the bargain. He tells her that as soon as Jack said he was a survivor of Oceanic 815, they checked the manifest for it, found that there was a fugitive called Kate Austen on board and found the mug shot. From that he knows that she did a long list of illegal stuff. Miles recommends that she stay on Craphole Island, using the same reasoning as Sawyer did last week. Kate’s had enough and brings him up the stairs to find Locke and Sawyer. Sawyer shakes his head at her and John tells her to screw off back to her house.

Kate’s back at Casa de Claire listening to that damn Patsy Kline chick they play in all her episodes. Not a fan of country and western, except in the Blues Brothers. Kate couldn’t sleep. Claire reckons that’s because beds would take a while getting used to. Locke opens the door (see they don’t have locks! Kate’s window smash was unnecessary) Locke needs a moment alone with Kate. Claire leaves. Kate starts to explain why she did what she did, but John cuts her off saying he doesn’t want to know why, he just wants to know what got said. Kate tells John that Miles told Ben that he would lie to the people on the boat, tell them Ben was dead for the princely sum of 3.2 million dollars. Kate apologises, and then tries to reason with John, saying that she did ask. Yeah, well, Locke’s not Sawyer, he interrupts her to banish her. NICE.

FLASHFORWARD to the settlement room. Kate enters and her wheelchair bound mum follows. Kate doesn’t want to speak to her. Her mum wants to know if what Jack said about her saving all those lives is true. Kate is silent. Her mother wishes to know why Kate won’t talk. Kate explodes ‘Because, mom, last time I tried to talk to you, when you got sick when I risked my life to see you, you screamed and called the police!’ She leaves out ‘culminating in the death of the man I loved, who was a doctor who saved lives and had a son, you selfish cancerous bitch.’ Her mum tells her to stop. She’s sick. She’s dying. She could go at any moment. She tells Kate she doesn’t want to testify. Kate says she shouldn’t. Zelda wants to see her grandson. Absolutely not, says Kate. Then she leaves.

In the island’s Casa de Potential Sitcom, Kate comes into Sawyer’s room. Sawyer has a fancy blue handbag and a pink topped floral box on his bookshelf. Bum bum BUM!! Sawyer apologises for not defending her, he wanted Locke to think she had fooled him. Kate tells Sawyer she is banished. Sawyer unbanishes her. He says that she can stay right with him, because this is his house. They are distracted by the flushing. They stare upwards at the ceiling and roll their eyes at the fat man crapping. Sawyer asks if she is going to be alright, then tells her he’ll keep her safe. Kate swoons. They snog.

It’s night time. Daniel is sitting across from Charlotte at a stump with face down playing cards on top. Daniel shifts his eyes, wrings his hands together, squats up and down, wipes his mouth, crosses and uncrosses his legs, shakes his head, nods his head, and mops his brow. Either Jeremy Davies is a really good actor, or he desperately needed a piss. He needs to remember what cards were there. He guesses the queen of diamonds, the six of clubs and the ten of hearts. He got the ten of hearts wrong, but it’s a shame as he was *so* close to the correct answer, the three of spades. Two out of three’s not so bad says Charlotte. Daniel gets embarrassed by his failure and god forbid he turns into, like, some sort of nervous wreck. Jack comes swaggering over and says ‘Hey,’ curtly. He has been calling the damn boat all day and has not heard anything. What the hell does Charlotte know, she’s been on the island. Jack finds it preposterous that there is only one line on the boat. Charlotte tells him that there is an emergency line. Juliet tells them to call it. Charlotte looks round shiftily, then calls it. Jack tells her to put it on loudspeaker. Charlotte tells him change that blue Abercrombie and Fitch short sleeve open stitch left weave faded wash crew neck Henley T shirt, you smelly bastard. Or not. They dial the emergency number and Regina answers. Charlotte tells her that the Lostaways want to talk to their friends to make sure that they are alright. This is news to Regina, she has not seen hide (nor hair) of any helicopters. Jack is a little scared. He gets up and starts pacing.

It’s the next day. Miles is not shackled in a seat, but now he’s standing up. Locke enters. Miles starts to make conversation. Locke tells Miles to open his mouth….wide. Miles says ‘Ooo this is hot.’ Oh yes it is. Locke stuffs Miles (heh)’ mouth with a grenade. You need to improvise such an S&M gag on desert islands. Miles is turned on, until Locke pulls out the pin and says rapidly ‘I realise that when I tied you up the other day, I made the mistake of failing to introduce myself, my name is John Locke and I’m responsible for the wellbeing of this island. Eventually, Miles, you are going to tell me who you are, and you’re going to tell me about the people on the boat, and you’re going to tell me why you’re so interested in Ben. In the mean time however, you’re going to keep your mouth shut.’ Locke is like a Machiavellian Bond villain. And he’s got the Blofeld scar and bald head. Locke tells Miles that there’s no use for rules if there’s no punishment for breaking them. Locke leaves, but not before adding ‘Enjoy your breakfast,’


The camera pans over Evangeline Lilly’s tremendous body, and I’m astonished because you can see her bum bum BUM. She’s lying on Josh Holloway. Beautiful. Kate kisses Sawyer. He kisses back and lays her down and spreads her legs. Kate tells him to slow down. Sawyers surprised, because it’s not as if it’s their first time. How can she resist, Sawyer hasn’t been this romantic since 2.09, and now he’s killed the Real Sawyer, he doesn’t need people to hate him any more. Sawyer tries to get jiggy with it, but Kate blocks the advances. Sawyer reckons it’s the pregnancy. Kate says she’s not pregnant. Well, flashforward tells us this is a lie. Sawyer is over the moon he’s not a daddy. But he is, in the real world, Clementine Philips-Ford. Sawyer whoops. Kate asks him if he’s that relieved. Sawyer exuberantly testifies that he is, saying ‘What would we have done with a baby?’ Umm, bad tack there, Sawyer, you should have tried saying ‘You would have been killed, because of this random island’s deal with pregnant women,’ Kate says she’s leaving. OFFS. ‘Beach???’ says Sawyer. Does anyone watch Arrested Development? In the final episode of the first series, the clever brother’s sister, Lindsay says ‘I’ve found a great way to make money…beads!’ and the stupid magician brother called GOB says ‘Bees???’ Lindsay: ‘No, beads’ GOB: ‘BEADS???’ The way how Sawyer says ‘Beach???’ is very reminiscent of that classic scene. Sawyer is disturbed that Kate is leaving. ‘You crawl up in my bed one second, the next you just…’ Kate stops him to say goodbye. Sawyer tells her firmly not to make it about him; she didn’t even want a baby. Sawyer brilliantly says ‘You’re just looking for some excuse to split and now you’ve got one. Well that’s alright, Freckles (now not calling her Kate, tsk tsk) I ain’t gonna hold it against ya, I’m just gonna sit here in my comfy bed, because in about a week, you’re gonna find a reason to get pissed at Jack and bounce right back to me.’ Kate gives him a massive heroic slap in the face and leaves without a word.

We FLASHFORWARD to the courtroom. Oo I wonder what the verdict will be, seeing as Jack is about to grow a beard and when we saw him with a beard, Kate was free. Yawn. The prosecution moans that their witness had to retire on medical reasons, and the judge grants a recess, they will return after lunch. The lawyers need to settle. The DA presents them with the offer of 4 years in prison. Kate shyly shakes her head in negation. The lawyer says no to any jail time, Kate is one of the most recognisable faces in America, she is a world famous hero who saved 5 other people’s lives. The DA’s lip wobbles. She says Kate can have ten years probation as long as she does not leave the state. Kate blurts that she will take it. Her lawyer wants her to hold her horses, he can get them to give her a better deal. Kate just wants to sign and have it all over. Kate reminds them that she has a child; she’s not going anywhere.

Kate comes out of the court’s back entrance and unleashes her perfect hair
Someone says for her to ‘hey’ She turns and it’s Jack. What's with all the meetings in backlots? First the airport, now this. Well, technically first this, then the airport. Jack’s not kitted out in full denim yet, but he is in leather. (It’s only a matter of time) Kate is happy to see him. She mentions that she’s heard Jack say ‘that story’ so many times, she reckons he’s beginning to believe it. Evangeline keeps looking at the camera Stop it! You’re ruining the illusion that this is real. Jack says that he just wants to tell her that he lied. Yeah, we all know that you lied, not one part of your testimony was true. Kate asks if he wants to follow her home for a visit. Jack puffs out his cheeks and rejects her, saying that perhaps they could have a coffee sometime. Kate smiles. Then sneers that she knows why Jack doesn’t want to see the baby. Because he’s a grown man? Until he does, however, until he *wants* to, there’s no going for coffee. The door is still open to come see them though. This scene is too long and there’s not enough salient info being given. Jack gives a smile like ‘Yeah, THAT’S gonna happen,’ Kate narrows her eyes and leaves. She is looking very fine in the future

The taxi drops her off at her mahoosive house and she is greeted by the frumpy nanny. She checks to make sure the kid hasn’t been watching any TV. He’s napping, she wants to check on him. She enters the bedroom. Interestingly, the six of clubs is placed randomly in a picture on the wall. She sadistically wakes up the kid and she cries.

‘Hi mommy,’ says Kate’s son.

Kate’s eyes go weird and lizard like as she holds her son.

‘Hi, Aaron’

LOST

Grading: B+


Interesting points raised: Locke = Badass
‘Derailed Arrogant takes a loved one, case closed - the EU’ is an anagram of ‘Aaron loves Kate, great, no Claire, dead? Lose the case, dude’ make of that what you will…is Kate derailed and arrogant? From the bizarre scary music at the end, it’s pretty safe to assume that it is Claire’s son, Aaron. Kate is masquerading as his mother, not just to the outside world, but to Aaron as well.
Who remembers Richard Malkin, raise your hands…good, a few of you. Now who remembers him telling Claire that great danger will befall Aaron if he is Raised By Another other than her? Have yourself a gold star. I wonder if she sings Catch a Falling Star to Aaron.
If Ben has that kind of money, and goes to and fro the island, why the hell did he hatch an elaborate scheme whereby his people would catch a grieving father, sadistically persuade him to find any means necessary to bring him a doctor and some others to get him to do the surgery on his which meant two innocent people got killed in the process, and 5 Others.
Desmond’s flash that Claire and Aaron got into a helicopter did not come true. Bugger. The one flash that convinced he and Charlie to let him die did not come true. Ouch.
What happened to all the other people who went with Locke?
If Kate went back, would she take her mum to get cured? And does she have a chance of getting cancer, as a lot of the time it depends on your family’s history. Is that what would convince her to go back?
The card game?
Does Ben realise his cell’s now unlocked?
Wow…Charlie meant fuck all to Claire, she hasn’t mentioned him. Are there ANY nice women on this island? You can’t trust Juliet, Kate, or Charlotte, Libby was a mental pathological liar, Shannon was a stroppy snarky cow who used her gorgeous long naked truculent fleshy thighs to get dopes like Charlie to catch fish for her, and Cindy’s gone off with the Others. The most trustworthy and sincere woman on the island was Ana Lucia. Fancy THAT.
What happened to Locke’s dinner L?

Lost – 4.03 – The Economist recap by McLeron

Previously on Lost: Locke killed Naomi and argued about ways and means with Jack, causing a Great Schism. The rescue helicopter landed with four people without any military experience or training. The rescuer called Charlotte was taken hostage by Locke, and surprise, surprise, it turned out that the rescuers weren’t really rescuers, they were there for Ben.

We open on the fourth coolest fellah in Lost. Sayid’s pause is fettered by the Miles exposition that he is being paid big money to get Linus, and that he needs to get him from Locke. Sayid finds a bracelet on Naomi’s wrist, with the inscription ‘N, I’ll always be with you R.C. (or R.G.)’ Kate interrupts Miles’ resolve to get Charlotte, saying that they can’t just go in and grab her as they’re armed. This is Miles expression:

‘So are we’ he says, and is interrupted again by Sayid asking whether the helicopter will fly. Uh duh, you said it would to Jack in last week’s episode, moron. Frank says yes, and Sayid clear headedly reminds the Lostaways that they did call the freighters to rescue them initially. Frank agrees to escort three people to the freighter. Miles brilliantly says ‘In case you zoned out while you were tweezing your goatee, one of these yahoos took Charlotte prisoner’ Heh, clearly Frank has never tweezed his goatee. Sayid promises to bring Charlotte back safely, on the condition that he shall be taken to the ship.

We FLASH to Sayid playing golf in the Seychelles. A golf buggy pulls up next to him. An amiable man gets outs and strikes up a meaningless boring conversation about golf extortion. They bet on which golf club can get the ball closer to the hole. Sayid takes his shot. S’not bad. The friendly Italian asks Sayid what he does for a living. Sayid says he does nothing, obviously displaying more tact about his occupation that Jack, who’s first real conversation in the pilot episode to a complete stranger he clearly fancied the pink fluffy knickers off her was ‘I very nearly killed a 12-year-old girl, once’, Sayid is most definitely covering up his career as a vile torturer…for sure, as the previews said that this week one of the Oceanic 6 would be revealed and that surely can’t mean that the episodes flashback is a flashforward…innit? The Italian bloke probes further and Sayid admits that he was the recipient of a large settlement from a plane crash…HE is one of the Oceanic 6…I was right! This Italian bloke looks scared shitless and starts trembling and stuttering. Sayid encourages him to take the shot, he does and makes to leave. Sayid, whose moments on the island were too busy shagging Shannon to play Hurley and Jin at some island golf, lost the bet. I’m not condemning him though…Shagging Shannon or watching Jin Having A Temper-Tantrum on the Golf Course. Sayid good naturedly wants to pay the bet, but the stupidly stereotypically heavily accented Italian, who we can tell is Italian from his earlier utterance of ‘Excellente!’, making Sayid an offer he couldn’t refuse, and speaking with his hands. ‘I insist, Mr Avelline’ Sayid says and pulls a gun of his bag and shoots him. Damn, Don Avelline is gonna be sleeping with the fishies.
Sayid calmly takes his bag, not bothering to complete his shot, and walks off, as all the sprinklers go off. Very cool, Lost.

LOST

Sayid walks into a bar. Ouch. Sayid walks into a bar cum restaurant, perves on some girl who resembles Shannon, then negotiates a seat next to an attractive woman wearing a peculiar waistcoat. I’ve never seen Sayid so nattily dressed, by the way. His hair looks a bit crap though. Sayid strikes up a conversation with the girl whose name is Elsa, (who is played by a woman called Thekla which makes me laugh as it’s one of those words which sounds rude but isn’t. Other rude sounding words which make me laugh include cassock, bollard, titillate, and Dick Butkus) and orders an espresso. On being asked what he does, he says he is corporate recruiter. Her job is to shop for an economist. If her beeper goes off, she must be at his side immediately, which only happens a couple times each year. Sayid pulls a rubbish line out of his arse saying something about ‘Oh must be why you are enjoying a luxuriously long mint blah blah blah’ She not drinking anything long at all, he cup is the exact same size as his espresso, and what on earth is so special about it to be called luxurious. We’re not on a desert island or holding cell any more, Sayid, dating is a lot more slicker in the real world than saying something like ‘Would you please translate these French epistles’ Elsa grins coquettishly. They at each other longingly. OFFS, this is going to be another long con flashback where Sayid falls for his mark like Sawyer did, but screws her over anyway. Sayid asks her to dinner. She inventively and humorously marks out a place on the map for him to take her and leaves. Sayid makes a ridiculously short, very masculine phone call telling The Boss he made contact. Then he dumps the phone in the bin…for THAT. Save the phone, use a phone booth, or the restaurant’s phone, for an episode titled The Economist, I’m, not seeing much economising. He cleans his hand on the snow, subtly saying that he resents The Boss.

Back on the island, Sayid is checking Naomi’s bag and discovers that picture of Desmond and Penny, shows it to Jack, and fills him in on her supposed agenda that old Widders was stalkerishly sending people out to find the man she hasn’t snogged for over 6 years and dumped her. Jack asks how long it would take to get to the beach and back. Kate lifts her back to respond but Juliet answers, and Kate looks about shiftily and moodily. Jack asks Sayid's plan and he says he will get Charlotte off of Locke. That’s not a plan, that’s an objective. Jack asked for your PLAN. Jack ain’t coming because, as Sayid reminds him, he went ballistic and tried to shoot Locke. Miles butts in and does a Kate with the whole ‘I’m coming WITH you,’ and Sayid reassures him that he is. Miles wants his gun back. Sayid ignores him. Legend.

Team Locke are trekking through the jungle. Sawyer asks if Ben’s ready to give them a name. Locke says Ben won’t because that’s the only thing keeping him alive. ‘Well, here’s an idea,’ Sawyer pipes up, ‘Why don’t we get a gun, point it at his big toe and sent that little piggie to market?’ OMFG that was classic. ‘If he still doesn’t want to tell us, we’ll move onto the roast beef’ Locke is not a fan of the idea because that means they’ll have to carry him. They come to the cabin but it’s not there. Bugger. Claire asks Locke how longer they’re gonna be because she needs to feed Aaron. Aaron and I lick our lips. Hurley licks his because she said the word ‘feed’. Ben (why haven’t they gagged him??) says that John is lost and needs guidance from someone. John admits he was mistaken and sets off for the Barracks. The people in the group with speaking roles all discuss the right thing to do about Charlotte. John’s vision appears to be clouded AGAIN and Hurley is the only sensible voice of reason. He’s such a hero. John just walks all over democracy.

Jack and Kate share a moment and an inside joke of how being asked not to come along is what Kate has to go through all the time. Yeah Kate, Jack was asked not to come along because he has too many personal issues, you’re never asked to come along because you’re a liability, you’ve got crap aim, and your flashbacks are always boring. Jack says ‘does that mean I should wait twenty minutes and go anyway?’ Kate laughs and gives an expression like she wants less inside jokes, more inside Jacks

I’ve realised that joke is too dirty and doesn’t work because Kate probably doesn’t have a penis. Too late to change it! Jack tells Kate she should go with them, as Sawyer won’t let any harm befall Kate. Jack has been a much better leader than Locke in this episode. Kate joins the miniscule posse of Sayid and Miles and they head out. Frank asks Jack about Sayid. Jack tells him that their diplomat was a torturer. Frank squints in befuddlement:


A while later Sayid is asking Miles about his relationship with Naomi. He is more concerned about the Locke and the formation of The Great Schism. Sayid admits it was because there was a debate about whether the freighters were coming to rescue them or to kill them. Sayid was neutral but curiosity made him stay with Group B.

FLASHFORWARD to the Big Date. Elsa looks like Naomi Watts in King Kong except wearing red instead of white. With Sayid, it’s not so much King Kong, but more Beauty and the Beast…and a Sexy Beast at that with Sayid’s rugged chin and his thick caress-able locks. It turns out that it’s not the Big Date, it’s their 5th. It bloody better be with the way they’re munching on each others faces. Elsa decides to let her hair down and not bring out the beeper (whoa, this dame’s got spunk!) Sayid volunteers to carry the beeper (chivalry, eh? Pfft) Sayid tells her to tell her boss that there is newer technology. Good point, beepers and pagers are lost on me, I can’t see why they would be needed now that phones are about. It’s like, why bother with fax machines when there’s email? Do you reckon that employees of fax machine companies aren’t allowed to use e-mails in the same way that people who are employed by Coca-Cola can’t drink Pepsi? Perhaps her Economist boss invented the pager and she has to stand by its uses, even though at the time of this flashforward there’s probably iPhones and everything. Elsa asks Sayid is he has a boss. He says everybody has a boss. What the hell is this lame pillow talk?? Ugh I hate episodes written by Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz, they always write episodes which have bad continuity, like Expose, clutch at straws concerning character motives, like D.O.C., or are just plain appalling, like Fire + Water…still, they aren’t that bad, with episodes like Greatest Hits and tonight’s ep, they’re pretty funny writers, as they wrote Tricia Tanaka is Dead and Dave. Moving on…Sayid looks enticed by all this talk of bosses Elsa doesn’t She asks why Sayid is still in Germany as he said he’d only be there for one week. Sayid vaguely says the job he’s on is proving harder to accomplish than he thought. If she couldn’t work out from that that she is the job, she’s a dumbass. She says she was hoping it was for her benefit. They must leave…Strauss awaits. Oh Sayid, you old dog.

Back on the island, Daniel is messing around with electronic equipment. Jack asks Frank what Daniel’s up to. Frank doesn’t know what these kids are doing half the time these days, and spits out some tobacco into a tin. Well, no he doesn’t but anyway Daniel asks Frank for the phone blithering and blathering like a dimwit. He gets the phone but Frank interestingly warns him to hang up if Minkowski answers. Weird. Daniel calls up Regina, checks their signals are clear and asks her to fire the payload. She does. She counts down the distance from the payload to the beacon. Interestingly, when the payload arrives according to her machinery. It’s nowhere to be seen on the island ‘That’s weird,’ Regina says. You don’t say. Well, she did, but anyway, Daniel furrows his brows trying to get his head round.

Sayid and posse come to the yellow housed Barracks. ‘What’s with the swing set,’ Miles asks, ‘These people got day-care?’ Obviously not, Miles, were you not eagerly discussing on forums how the opening of series 3 and revelation of where The Others lived significantly didn’t have any children present? Kate superbly ignores him and Sayid leads them on to do some exploring. They hear some shouting and banging. They run into…Juliet’s old house, and discover Hurley bound and gagged in a cupboard. Dum dum duuuuum…

Hurley’s expositing and says the word ‘like’ about 50 times which annoys Mana Lucia. He calls Hurley tubby. Hurley is a little stunned and says ‘Oh awesome, the ship sent us another Sawyer’ Heh. The upshot of it all is that they left Hurley and went off on their own, but not before subtly mentioning going to Ben’s house. Miles is veeeery interested in Ben’s house.

Jack asks Frank if the Red Sox really did win the Series. This is a sore subject for Frankee Lapu, the Yankee Blue. It’s a touching moment, interrupted by some sharp bleeping. It’s the payload. It lands in front of Daniel and he opens it. He doesn’t look happy. According to the clock on the island, it’s 2:45, the clock from the freighter reads 3:16, a difference of 31 minutes. Daniel says it’s not good. Frank sees Juliet and Desmond arrive. Remember how last week, the Lostaways reactions to seeing the helicopter really filled me with exhilaration? It’s almost as good repeated here again with Desmond’s expression, except he’s having a Janet Jackson-esque wardrobe malfunction. Put it away, Des.

Back in the Ben’s house, the posse and Hurley split up. Kate searches the bedroom. It’s clear. Sayid’s in the living room and runs his fingers over the bookshelf. He notices scratches on the floor where the bookcase had been pulled out. He pulls open the bookcase to find a secret room. Hmm convenient. I wouldn’t nearly be so cynical if this kind of BS hadn’t been used already in D.O.C., written by these same men, to shed light in The Staff. I didn’t really like that kind of pulling the wool over then, and it’s only made up for it by what Sayid discovers. He discovers a room full of clothes and luggage. There’s a desk in the middle of the room and Sayid opens a drawer. It’s full of money in mixed currencies. Riiiight…He opens another drawer. Inside are plenty of passports with Ben’s face in them. Is it like some sort of Dave Gorman project where there a hundreds of Benjamin Linus’ around the world and Ben has been tracking them down because of a drunken bet? Don’t look at me like that, it’s equally as likely as some nerd being JASON BOURNE. The name in the Swiss passport seems to say Linjamin Benus but I have on good authority (i.e. High-Def) that it says Dean Moriarty.

Sayid is astonished.

Kate checks under the bed. Yes, you’re really going to find Team Locke under a bed. You deserve to be in jail! She sees some shoes enter the room. She jumps up and cocks the gun at…Sawyer. He tells her to sshh. Sayid hears her screaming from the bedroom. Oo ’ello. He hurdles out of the secret room to be faced with a gun held by Locke. Locke tells Hurley he did a good job. Oo Hurley’s full of surprises.

Rousseau marches Sayid out by rifle point. Locke’s talking the ‘angry Chinese guy’ Sayid says that he’s not going to hurt them and Hurley says ‘Yeah, I saw you snap that guys neck with that break dancing thing you do with your legs’ Yeah, Sayid saw you run over a guy with a hippy bus. It’s a shame to see these two so tense, they should think back to their little night under the stars listening to Moonlight Serenade. They put Sayid in Tom’s play room, where Ben is currently being kept. Yay! Sayid and Ben together at last! The last time they met, the least gun-crazy person in the room was Ana-Lucia, and THAT’S saying something. Ben bet that Sayid wouldn’t be stupid enough to fall for Hurley's lame duck of a story. What does that tell you, Ben? Hurley's a damn better liar than you. Ben very creepily says that there’s no use in having friends you can’t trust. Which is why he is a Billy No-Mates


Kate is with Sawyer in the bedroom. Oo ’ello. Kate asks Sawyer if he’s with Locke. Oo ’ello (I promise I’ll stop) Sawyer asks why Kate’s with Jack and she says it’s because she believes he can get them off the island. Sawyer tells her he doesn’t want to leave. Josh Holloway, who was such an underrated actor last year and missed out on an Emmy nomination, which was ludicrous, as he was the best actor in series three, plays the agony well He admits that there’s nothing back there for him. What a change from ep 1.22: Kate: Why do you want off this island so much? Sawyer: cos there ain’t anythin’ on this island worth stayin’ for… They’ve come so far. Kate doesn’t really understand She asks what’s on the island that’s worth them staying for. Sawyer is too much of a man to say because this is the place where we fell in love and consummated our relationship. He’d be wrong as that island would be located two miles away from the one they’re currently on. Instead he asks her why she wants to go. She runs, he cons. Sawyer reasons that on the island they have roves over their heads, running water, they can make a fresh start and leave everything behind. Kate can’t see it lasting. Cold, girl. He loves you. Sawyer says ‘why don’t we find out?’ It’s so romantic and heartbreaking and naïve and childlike and wonderful. Ah god bless whoever wrote this episode. Oh bugger…Anyways, Sawyer breaks Kate’s gaze and looks at the floor sheepishly.

Locke enters the ‘cell’ with some ice tea. Without the ice. So it’s tea. But not. Whatever. Sayid’s thinking, alright, ‘Mikhail’. Locke doesn’t pour a glass for Ben. He apologises for the ambush because he didn’t know how many there would be. How did he know they were even coming? How did he know when? Would he have let Hurley stay in the closet forever. Sayid asks where Miles and Kate are. Kate’s with Sawyer and Miles is elsewhere. Sayid asks him how things went with Charlotte, which is a great sedge way into asking to trade for her. He comes forward with honesty and says that he doesn’t believe they are there to rescue them or that they’re telling the truth, but if he returns safely with Charlotte, they will take him to the freighter and he can assess them. Who better than Sayid? No one, that’s who, and I’m sure the whole island would agree. Locke says he can save Sayid the trouble because Ben apparently has someone on the boat. Sayid is very interested in this and asks who. Ben says it’s a secret. It’s a Michael, admit it. Sayid says ‘Forgive me, but the day I start trusting him is the day I would have sold my soul.’ Is that the ghost of foreshadowing I hear? Sayid tells Locke that unless he hands over Charlotte there will be another war. We really don’t want more bloodshed, do we? Not so fast on the heels of Charlie. Locke is promised that he’s not getting nothing for Charlotte’s exchange and we go into

FLASHFORWARD where Sayid and Elsa are lying on one of those brilliant bedsheets you only see in films where the man’s torso is exposed, but the woman’s cleavage and mossy cleft aren’t, yet her belly is.

They talk pillows of pillow talk on how little Elsa knows about him and the crash and his current life whilst she accidentally admits that they are in love. They start yamming on each other after staring at their eyes for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The beeper goes off. The Economist is calling. She puts on a gown to look at it for some reason. Sayid is deliberating. He knows this is his moment to strike but is he so completely dead inside to betray this innocent girl’s trust. Sayid decides to come clean…about the TRUTH, not that, you sick minded devils. Sayid tells Cassidy, sorry Elsa, she has to leave. Sayid hilariously flicks a bang out of his eye only for another one to fall over the other. Sayid puts on a Gap short sleeve Stretch crew neck (don’t ask how I know) while Elsa asks follow up questions on why he is concerned about her boss. She realises that the coffee shop was not a coincidence or as Sayid’s broken English terrorist mate Omar says ‘happenstance’ She realises that he is there to kill her boss. She flares her nostrils and retreats to the bathroom, turning on a tap. Sayid says her employer’s name is on a list, Sayid’s employer’s list. Elsa asks who that is. Sayid yells that it doesn’t matter. Sayid tells her that the man she is working for is not an economist. She shoots Sayid. Whoa! Where did that come from? She hits in the pits while Sayid chokes shocked. That’s bullet number three, by my count. Meanwhile Elsa speaks hurriedly in German that the Economist was meant to page her at ten thirty. Bad time keeping seems to be a theme this episode. Sayid sees a gun hanging conveniently by the headboard. Did no one notice this before and think to ask the owner any questions?? Elsa knows that Sayid won’t give up the name and can’t see the point of keeping him alive. She is told to bring Sayid to the safe house and hangs up. Sayid grabs her attention by breaking a mirror. She comes out and gets shot. Can’t anyone else hear this? She actually dies, unlike Sayid. He comes over and shuts her eyes while a bogey drips off his nose.


Back at the helicopter, Des is busting Frank’s chops over the picture of him and Penny. He and Daniel are none the wiser. Desmond wants in on the helicopter trip so he can get answers. ‘He’s back’ says Juliet. ‘He’ is Sayid, who has successfully got Charlotte with him. Jack says my favourite Jack catchphrase ‘Where’s Kate?’ (see 2.01 - Man of Science, Man of Faith) and on the news that she decided to stay looks truly hurt and confused.
Aw, Jack. If it’s thick thighs and big knocker’s you’re after, Juliet’s right next to you. Miles is not with Sayid. He ‘traded’ him. Frank says this is cheating, but hey Miles is a knob so no one cares. There’s one spot left. No one wants it. Daniel tells Frank to be sure to follow the exact same bearing they came in on, no matter what. No matter WHAT. Even if they pass the freighter and reach Los Angeles, just follow that damn bearing, dagnabbit. Frank says Roger that. Daniel looks at Charlotte. Ooo I’d like to roger that…if YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Jack is comfortable with Sayid in the driving seat for this mission and declines to come along. Sayid asks about that spare spot to Frank and wants to take Naomi to join them as there’s no one else to take. And what’s Juliet, a pot plant? They lift off. The music is Sayid’s theme but with a more cinematic and romantic revision. Sayid’s leaving behind the home he must return to. It’s a great moment


In FLASHFORWARD, Sayid stumbles weakly into a German vets. ‘Take your shirt off’ the Boss says, and starts tending to Sayid's wound.
‘Is she dead?’ he asks. Sayid has Elsa Confirmed Dead. The Boss asks ‘Why didn’t she kill you?’ Heyyy I recognise that guy’s voice, but no it can’t be. My friend who I’m watching with, Oscar jumps to attention and thins his eyes in concentration. He knows that voice too…Sayid says it was because she was trying to get information from him.
‘What sort of information?’ asks the Boss. Sayid says she wanted to know who he worked for.
‘Of course she did’ says Ben.

AAAAAH!!!
Oscar jumps and cups his mouth in shock. I fall off my chair.
‘Why are you crying, because it hurts? Or because you were stupid enough to care for her? These people don’t deserve our sympathies. Remember the last time you fought with your heart instead of your gun’ (I’m not sure if he said ‘thought’ or ‘fought’…’thought’ works better, but lip-reading says he said ‘fought’) Sayid said that Ben used ‘her’ to recruit him into killing for him.
‘Do you want to protect your friends or not, Sayid?’ Sayid looks dead.
‘I have another name for you,’ Ben says.

‘But they know I’m after them now,’ argues Sayid.

The music gets waaaaay too tense.

‘Good’ replies Ben

LOST and this time instead of the normal sonic boom sound that accompanies the end title card we get a sharp strike on a double bass, shocking us again because it’s BEN.

Grading: A

Interesting points raised: What the hell man!
The woman Sayid will fall for is it on island or off island? Could it be Charlotte? He likes tall women.
Why is Ben in a German vets!
The Economist and his time issues…does this mean he is on the island, and that it could be an on-island entity like Locke or Jacob. Could Jacob have spat Ben away and this is Ben’s way of getting back to the island to ruin Jacob. But Jacob knows all! If not someone on the island, the Economist might be Abbadon, though I doubt someone as hard to find as the Economist would show up to meet Hurley in person, it’s more likely that Abbadon is in his employ. Could it be Christian Shepherd? But he’s dead. Widmore? No, he would be easier to find, just go through Desmond to Penny. How about Paik? Again, he’s too public and easy to find. These are new enemies.
How is Sayid killing a friendly Italian guy protecting his friends?
I ate 11 packets of Hula Hoops watching this ep. They are rubbish, there can’t be more than 15 in a packet

Lost – 4.02 – Confirmed Dead Recap by McLeron

Previously on Lost: Naomi got knifed, but covered for the Lostaways, with a final message that she loved her sister. There was a Great Schism between the Lostaways, but more importantly, Skate. Jate were so bored together that they began to comment on the weather, but the big twist was that the thunder was a helicopter.

We open on an eye, oh hang on, that’s static. Big ratings puller. The static goes away and the camera movement is very fluid over an oceanic trench. We hear from a VO that whoever’s narrating isn’t picking up anything. Then he says the SONAR is picking up something. Apparently there are a lot of magnetic anomalies. The camera goes over a reef and it’s none other than the tail section of the plane they’ve found. That’s cool because we know that the tail section landed in the water so the island must be that-a-way. Ah but there’s the midsection and the cockpit...they definitely landed on the island. The only logical explanation is that the island sank! Or Oceanic did a stupidly high budget cover up – what ridiculously rich association would bother? We cut to a bulletin on the news which informs us that the plane was found by a salvage team in the Indian Ocean in the Sunda trench near Bali. The flash of news is being watched by the dude from Saving Private Ryan from last week, or alternatively ‘Dan’. He is quietly sobbing at the news. His wife is confused, but Dan doesn’t know why he’s crying.

Snap to the near present time on the island where the camera is crabbing about in a tiny cockpit of sorts and there’s lights flashing and a lot of shouting. It feels like a Michael Bay film. An Asian who played the blonde in Rush Hour forces Dan out and we’re treating to a neat first-person point of view of jumping from a plane. Dan pulls the ripcord and lands in a heap on the island. He hears running, and quickly checks his gun. Jack and Kate burst out of the bushes to encounter him and it’s the final seconds of last week’s ep. Jack says that he is Jack (shock!) and Dan introduces himself as Daniel Faraday. He’s there to rescue them.

LOST

Jate quiz Daniel, but he doesn’t hold up well to questioning. Even the simplest of questions like ‘Where’s the rest of the team?’ causes him to sweat, look shiftily from side to side, wipe his hands on his trousers, rock back and forth, stare at the ground, and stutter. He needs a phone to track the team and Kate volunteers Naomi’s phone. He calls up Minkowski, and he brings him up to date. Minkowski starts getting pissy when he realises that he’s on loudspeaker and Jack and Kate can hear. Daniel has to carry his conversation elsewhere, and then Kate reassures that Naomi covered for them. Kate gets tense when she sees the gun in Daniel’s trousers. Daniel comes back to tell them how the phone will help them track the team. Jack agrees to help them and Kate meanwhile smiles. Evangeline Lilly is an underrated actress as this smile is her ‘I don’t trust you one bit and I will incapacitate you as soon as I can’ smile, last seen when in The Flame with Mikhail.
Daniel’s first question is ‘where’s everybody else’ Most of them are at the beach. The rest are either dead or…

…getting spiritually cleansed by the rain. Hurley’s sound advice to Locke is that they will get struck by lightning, but Locke’s meteorological powers correctly predict the abrupt cease of the storm. Team Locke head off, and Sawyer notices they aren’t going the right way. Locke says they have to detour to the Cabin. Hurley, not thinking says ‘Isn’t the cabin that way?’ Uh oh…this is of great interest to Locke and Ben. Hurley lies rubbishly, not fooling anyone. Ben obviously wants to shoot him, but Locke is a bit more inscrutable. Will Locke get jealous like Ben and try to make out that he isn’t special? Or does, like the look on his face suggests, he admire Hurley for him spiritual encounter with the Cabin, and will he encourage it? Sawyer doesn’t want to mess around, but Locke says it’s just something he’s supposed to do. Sawyer questions Locke’s motives as it was just 13 hours ago that he threw a knife at Naomi. Locke says that he got them from Walt. Yes! Locke’s a brilliant leader for his honesty, I’m so glad he told everybody.

On the Midsection Beach, Juliet sits down with Sayid. THAT’S her closest friend now? Sayid’s looking for the freighter. Sayid asks Juliet why Ben would say that the Rescuers are coming to kill them. Juliet asserts that that is what Ben does when he wants to scare people…or that they really are coming to kill them. Sayid is perturbed and Juliet asks how many guns are left. A glimmer of a grin pops up on Sayid’s face. That’s the kind of question that gets him weak in the loins.

We’re back with Daniel, Jack, and Kate who comes across some fallen wreckage. It’s a battered chrome case, which they had to jettison to relieve the weight. Jack wants to know why the case contains gas masks and plastic bags with the Biohazard symbol on them. Daniel, who really needs to get tutored by Ben, says ‘Umm…I’m not in charge of…pckngstff…’ he trails off weakly. Jack asks why he has a gun. Kate gives Daniel a hard stare, unintentionally looking beautiful and getting me to fall in love with her
Daniel tries to says that it was just as a precaution. It transpires that rescuing their people isn’t the rescuer’s primary objective. Jack asks what is, and it’s nowhere near as satisfying as the ‘other’ famous Jack’s ‘WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIIIIVE??’ from 24. Daniel uses the sudden appearance of Miles’ transponder to dodge the question, and hurries after him.

Back with Team Locke, Sawyer wants to know more about this vision of Walt. Locke says it wasn’t even a dream it was actually Walt…only taller. Heh. ‘Like a giant?’ ass Sawyer. I wish I could see his face if the answer was yes. Locke says that Walt told him that he had work to do, he needed to stop Naomi. Sawyer considers this absurd until Locke justifies his reasoning with the fact that Ben had just shot him, and Walt saved his life so he had to take his word for it. This is news to everybody, and Locke proves this with his gunshot wound. The bullet went in one side (obviously) and then out the other. Locke was saved because he didn’t have a kidney there anymore. Irony of fucking ironies, Cooper saved Locke’s life. Locke doesn’t have intestines or ribs? Team Locke are in awe, just like the audience, and I can’t say enough how much I like this open honesty of Locke’s. Locke heads off, but the stunned team take a moment of pause before following.

Jack, Kate and Daniel are walking unsteadily over the death place of Kelvin Inman, and find this Miles in the same place. Jack bounds over to him as Miles appears to be unconscious. He’s not. Miles pulls out a gun and waves it in Jack’s face. Daniel tries to stop things from kicking off. But Miles isn’t really listening. He wants to know where Naomi is, and deems Kate responsible for her murder. Naomi didn’t cover them a bit!

We FLASHBACK to Inglewood in California, where Miles has just pulled up to a house. A report on the radio confirms that everyone on the Oceanic flight was dead. He takes a suitcase from the boot, is let into the house by an old black lady called Miss Gardner. She has a picture of Eko as a boy on the wall. Miles demands money upfront, but has doubled the fee because her grandson was murdered. If there wasn’t enough tragedy in the poor woman’s life, he’s fleecing her because the kid was murdered! Miles assembles some sort of instrument and receives the cash, and he counts it. What a bastard. As if she would lie. He tells her not to come up, no matter what. He enters a bedroom with many posters on the wall. He turns on the weird random instrument, sits down on the bed and starts shaking. This stops and he says ‘You are not doing you grandmother any good by staying here, man…causing her a lotta pain…I wanna go downstairs and tell her you’ve gone, but the only way I’m going to be able to do that is if you tell me where it is…so where is it?’ A bang from the right signals that it’s behind the cupboard in a little grate. Miles finds a paper bag with money and a sachet of browny-yellow powder. He takes only the money and puts the bag back. He turns of the ghost attracting vacuum cleaner and tells the spirit to generally bog off. He comes downstairs and Miss Gardner asks if it worked. It did, ‘he’s’ at peace, now. Miles pauses to look at the pictures of Eko again. He gives 100 dollars back to her. She hugs him.

Back on the island, Daniel steps over to defend Jack. Miles reveals that Naomi used a distress code, and doesn’t even have a sister. Bugger. Miles demands to be taken to Naomi’s body. Daniel says perhaps Charlotte and Frank are more immediate concerns. Miles still wants to see Naomi’s body. Kate tells the truth that Locke killed Naomi. Miles must be sick of repeating himself, and demands to get taken to Naomi.

Speaking of devils, Locke is taking a minute to get his clarity back. Ben calls Alex and says she needs to do something for him. Karl tells him to keep his mouth shut. Ben hilariously sizes him up like a true father and insists that the formalities gets dropped and call him Ben. This enough for hot headed Karl to draw his gun. Sawyer intervenes and tells Karl to take a hike. Alex goes with Karl leaving Ben with Sawyer. With no one else to talk to, he talks to Sawyer, saying that Sawyer doesn’t have a chance. Sawyer falls into Ben’s verbal snare of saying something closed and enigmatic so he’ll get asked a follow up question. Sawyer asks it, calling Ben Yoda. Even Ben smiles. Ben tells Sawyer that in the real world, a no-class con man can’t compete with a world famous surgeon. Ben says Kate must have been upset when he decided to come with Team Locke. Sawyer leads Ben on. Ben has to go too far and say, now completely in Sawyer’s head, ‘Thank god Jack’s there to…’ and gets pummelled. Locke tries to stop the fight and Sawyer is fuming. Locke, with his great leadership tells Sawyer that they are keeping Ben alive because he has information, and is completely harmless other than his mouth. Sawyer brings up the good point that Ben’s mouth didn’t put the bullet in Locke’s side. This scene feels like some religious painting, as Locke with his wisdom, caresses Sawyer’s soft spot and puts forth the hypothetical point that a child witnessing their parent’s murder is a case of history repeating, and Sawyer hands Ben over to Locke, warning that someday Ben will get the best of them.


Miles is using his mystical powers of Ghost Whispering to find the truth about Naomi. Kate is genuinely confused. Daniel mutters that the light on the island is weird and doesn’t ‘scatter right’. Kate gives a friendly pretty smile

and coaxes Daniel to hand over the gun. There are lots of close ups of Jack’s face. Daniel doesn’t want to relieve the gun. Jack interrupts to say that she’s wasting her time and just let things roll. Then he winks at her We ALL know what THAT means. The phone goes off signalling that Charlotte is near. Jack tells them to stop and put the guns down. Miles is obviously confused that Jack would try this when he is unarmed, and is over confident. Pfft...Jack and I both feel it’s necessary to put Miles in his place, I mean, you go over to a man’s house for the first time, do you take off your shoes? You put your feet up on his coffee table? You walk into the kitchen and eat food that doesn’t belong to you? You open doors to rooms you got no business opening? This is not your island, Miles, and the only reason he’s still living on it is because Jack’s let him live on it. For that they are going to take their female lead hostage and have his armed friends shoot near their head.

We FLASHBACK to Medenine in Tunisia. It’s the frigging desert, man. A woman in shorts checks out the front page headline (in Tunisia? Not likely that they would put that at the front page) that 815 has been found. She walks decisively past a man trying to prohibit her entry with a deft bribe. She reaches the site of a fossil excavation. Her aide thinks it’s a dinosaur, she wrong, though. It’s an Ursus Maritimus. And my A in Latin and many hours of trying to figure out the stuff on the Blast Door Map tell me, to my honest surprise, that it’s a Polar Bear…in the desert. Charlotte does some of her own excavating to find a collar with the Dharma station The Hydra’s logo on it. I mouth ‘what the f…’ and Charlotte looks positively vampiric.


On the island she looks well ugly…almost like this dude I knew way back in boarding school who had no friends and was obsessed with eating yoghurt. Charlotte is in a precarious position, and I’m very impressed with the realism and stunts of this scene where she is dangling from a perfectly horizontal tree over a pool. She ditches the parachute and falls into the pool and emerges, laughing with delight until she sees Team Locke.

Juliet exposits her and Sayid’s deus ex machina to Jack, who thanks her. Kate’s feeling rejected (and she should be, the father of her probable child ditched her for Hurley) and Jack tries to say that he forewarned her with his wink. He’s like bloody Anne Robinson, these days he can’t stop doing it. Juliet has a huge grin on her face. Sayid is doing what he does best and interrogates the captives. He find out that Daniel is a physicist but before he can find out more, Miles threatens Daniel. Turning his attention to Miles, Sayid asks him what he does. Miles says he collects soil samples. Heh. Sayid probes him more, asking that if the Lostaways are meant to be dead, why isn’t Miles more surprised to see them. Miles reacts sarcastically.

Meanwhile Charlotte, who is beaming like a follower of Ben who just found out that there was a cripple on the plane who got cured when he crashed, is acting like Harry Potter when he went to Diagon Alley and asking many questions. Everyone is eyeing her with suspicion. It’s as if one of their best friends had just died and his last words were to warn them that she was some sort of murdering vampiric bitch, honestly. On being asked how many of them are there, Hurley considers the question for a while, and decides to speak honestly. Locke stops him from saying too much. Charlotte turns her attention to Clairon. Claire reacts like how she would if a mad bag lady on the bus asked the same question and responds with politely closed answers. Meanwhile, Ben is taking advantage of everyone’s diverted attention to concentrate on Karl’s gun. Charlotte tells them how the transponder works, to reassure them. I find this hilarious because no one looks like they want to be rescued nor appreciate being spoken to as if they are victims. Locke asks her how many are on her team. ‘Four,’ she says. Bit disappointing. Charlotte has a justifiably bemused expression on her face as she tells them that she’s lucky to be alive. No one cares. Locke is taking her with them. The news of this surprises Charlotte because she asks ‘Don’t you want to be rescued?’ Nuh uh.

Sayid is tapping away on the sat phone, which irritates Miles. The phone makes a noise, which irritates Miles. Perhaps his nickname should be Mana-Lucia. The noise was Charlotte’s transponder. Jack looks round fearfully. They run towards the transponder’s signal. In true horror movie/Chief Wiggum style, Sayid says ‘According to the signal, she’s right here’ Kate looks pretty badass with her gun
It turns out to be Vincent. Jack’s extraordinary powers of deduction outdo even Sayid’s confusion as he says ‘Locke’s got her.’

A toy plane drops into a fish tank. The person responsible is Nick Nolte, at the time of this scene, in Eleuthera, in The Bahamas. Lucky git. A news bulletin concerning the crash site comes on TV, takes his interest. The report shakes him up pretty bad, until he notices something as this heartless news station broadcasts images of rotting corpses. Dude. He calls the hotline and demands to speak to the supervisor, he has information. We discover that the crash is phoney solely because the pilot is not wearing his wedding ring. The supervisor wants to know how he knows this. The answer is that HE was meant to be flying the plane of September 22nd 2004. It’s nice that at least one of the newbies ties into the mythology.

Nick Nolte is on the island and stumbling up a hill. He comes across a cow. Mikhail’s? It moos. The look on his face is priceless. The cow moos off. Meanwhile, he falls over, and fires a handy flare he had in his pocket. Team Locke sees the flare. Charlotte gets all excited again. Please, girl. Charlotte looks hurt by their lack of enthusiasm. ‘What’s wrong with you people?’ she says. Is she deaf? They don’t want to be found! Locke stresses that they should head on to the shack, and Sawyer voices his scepticism with ‘Sure, who are we to argue with Taller Ghost Walt?’ Charlotte decides that she’s outta here and begins to leave. Locke tries to stop her, but Ben has a different idea and shoots her twice in the chest. Sawyer beats the snot out of him. Locke checks Charlotte’s body and she comes back to life. This sets Locke’s libido racing and rips off her clothes to get inside her. His disappointment that she is not a living miracle who can get shoot and still live like him, shows like the bullets caught in her Kevlar vest obtained from Miles on the helicopter. Ben is rubbish at shooting, the only time he’s been accurate is with GAS, that’s how lame he is with weaponry.

The other rescuers and Lostaways are stood over Nick Nolte. After checking that he is ok, Miles asks where the chopper is. His reply is ‘I saw a cow’ Miles asks again, this time addressing him as Lapidus. Lapidus says that it didn’t crash and is safe and sound just metres away. What happens next is my favourite scene from the whole episode, mostly just from Giacchino’s music. He’s mixed ‘Credit Where Credit’s Due’ into a much stronger louder tune, and it flows so well. They all stride up the hill to see it. Sure enough, it’s there. The music and expressions on Jack, Sayid, and Kate’s faces are more than enough to give this episode an A.




Back from commercials, pictures of all our new characters are being placed on a wood table. A familiar girlie Manc accent is moaning. It’s not Spice Girl, Mel B, it’s Scary Parachutist, talking to the Scariest Spice of all, Matthew Abbadon. Creepy-Eyes Abbadon manages to outdo his creepiness yet again with his unnerving appearance. His torso is *ridiculously* long. Freak! Also, I’m drawn to how tight Naomi's jeans and arse are in this frame. She says it’s a high risk covert op in unstable territory. Glad we’re on the same page. It’s dodgy enough, she says, without having to babysit a headcase, ghostbuster, anthropologist and a drunk pilot – it’s madness, what if she finds survivors from 815? What an ODD thing to say when being given a mission. What led her to connect high risk covert op to a disproved conspiracy theory. That’s like being told to go buy some eggs, and arguing that I might buy a prop from a supposedly fake moon landing by accident. I’m drained, and I’ve been writing all day, and I’ve got work tomorrow. Abbadon terrifies everybody and maintains that there weren’t any survivors. How the hell does he know, he’s obviously wrong. I’d love Sayid to meet him. He reasons that everybody on the team was selected for a reason, Naomi’s only concern should be to get everybody in and out without getting killed. Mission Accomplished!

Kate and Daniel are bringing Naomi’s body over to the helicopter. Sayid is surveying the helicopter. It seems alright. Miles wants the phone. After some intermittent arguing Jack hands it over, saying ‘Don’t say anything about your sister,’ Heh. Jack made a funny. A woman called Regina answers. He tells her to get Winkowski, but he’s busy. Miles argues with her, so far having not made one nice conversation with anybody. Mana-Lucia. Miles gets into an argument over the point of flying Naomi meatbag of a body. A man who makes a living from talking to the dead, everybody! Practically speaking, Miles is right, there isn’t much fuel in the helicopter. Juliet is nursing Lapidus’ injuries. She introduces herself. Cool as a cucumber, Lapidus tells her she wasn’t on the plane. Juliet pulls the same BS smile Dexter Morgan gives everybody at Miami Metro. Without breaking eye contact, Lapidus calls over for Miles, and tells him she’s a native, he knows this because of all the times he studied the manifest. Miles goes from angry to very angry and shouts ‘Where is he??’

How the hell is Juliet supposed to know who he is. Someone please tell the writers of this show that ‘He’ is a pronoun, not a noun, it is a word of address, but not a name; ‘He’s gonna be wondering where I am’; ‘He’s a great man’; ‘He’s in Room 23’; ‘He’ is not a word to be thrown about willy nilly in moments of dramatic story telling, I want names!! And so does Juliet. Miles is there for Benjamin Linus. They needed a covert ops soldier, a physicist, a Mystic Meg, an English muffin, and some Cardinal drunk for Ben? A man who managed to be incapacitated by a berserk French raver three times? Or perhaps that vest he’s wearing is so awful for human eyes no one stable human could stand to be near it.

Ben is right now being beaten up by Saywer…still. Locke is making sure that Charlotte’s ok, she’ll survive. She’s not getting away easy, though, Locke needs her to be alive for the Wicker Man they got round back. He turns his attentions to Ben, and concedes that Sawyer told him so about Ben. Locke decides to take care of Ben, and cocks the gun. No, Locke, what happened to your rules of not being a murderer? Alex is crying, the indecisive beautiful little snot. Claire tries to get John to talk about this, and John plays of her weaknesses justifying the likely case that one of the bullets could have hit her or Aaron. Ben tries to use the old ‘Stop Locke from killing me by promising him answers’ scheme. Locke asks Ben what the monster is. Locke hasn’t made contact with the monster since Season 1, an exact 50 days ago. Ben says he doesn’t know. DAMN HIM! Locke says goodbye to Ben. Ben says Charlotte’s full name which stops everyone in their tracks. He lists her birthday, family history, upbringing and education. Then he outlines her mission with the names of her partners. Everyone is stunned.

‘What do they want?’ Sawyer asks
‘Me, James, they want me’ replies Ben irritably
Locke and the audience ask ‘How do you know all this?’

He simply answers ‘Because I have a man on their boat’ and arches his eyebrows smugly



LOST

Grading: A+

Interesting points raised: About a million. The most recent of which being Ben’s man on the boat. The man on the boat will most likely become integral to the following season, and one can logically deduce that this person should be a series regular. Aah but we’ve met all our series regulars. Oh, wait, no we haven’t. Harold Perrineau Jr is in the main credits: Michael!
Was that really Eko on the walls? The picture frames randomly changed.
Why couldn’t Minkowski come to the phone?
Why is Ben stood across a person using an unplugged monitor in the picture?