Previously On Lost: This episode begins without any previouslies, and my head goes crazy with worry that oliv3r.net has mistakenly labelled part 2 of the two part finale as part 1. However, my worries are overcome by the sight of…
…Jack’s beard.
Heh. He’s on a plane, and turning into his father, asking for drink after drink. The flight attendant gives him some prissy excuse and wanders off. There is some turbulence and I’m not sure whether we’re meant to be scared by any of it, nor where it could be going. Damon Lindelof is piloting the plane and tells everyone not to worry, it was just turbulence. Jack is on a plane with a lot of Chinese people so we can place this in context as his flight home from Phuket after getting pummelled by Achara’s customers. He spies a newspaper article, and is really cut up about it, and rips it out of the paper. We cut to him in his car. He drives up to a bridge, and cries. He’s crying worse than we’ve ever seen before, his head dejectedly bowed on the steering wheel, and I really feel sorry for Jack. What is going on? He phones someone up and cries more, not really imparting any information, and hangs up. He miserably walks over to the side of the bridge and climbs atop it. He shuts his eyes and takes a breath as he’s about to jump, and the music is making me scream ‘DON’T!’. ‘Forgive me’ Jack says as he opens his eyes and sways dangerously. Before he can jump, however, there is a sudden stupendous car crash, and he is distracted. Fate has a way of course correcting, huh? Jack leaps over and
he’s back on the beach putting supplies in a bag. I’m relieved that this is the right part I’m watching. Jack and Sayid exchange goodbyes and exposit what could have been said in the previouslies. Jack will take the Lostaways to the radio tower, and Sayid, Jin, and Bernard will waste The Others with dynamite. They shake manly on it. Rose makes Bernard repeat ‘I’m a dentist, I am not Rambo’. Like that’s gonna be any help in a shootout, Rose. Try something like ‘Believe in yourself’, or ‘You can do it Bernie, you can do it Bernie, I’ll sex you up, after the radio journey’. Rousseau is eyeing Claire’s baby weirdly. So it’s definitely a finale, then. Jin and Sun have one of their emotional subtitled goodbyes. The best of which is at the end of Lost – 1.23 – Exodus Part 1. Jack rallies everyone up, and they all obey and march determinedly onwards to a harder, better, faster, and stronger version of Hollywood and Vines. It’s oh so cool, and even more so with the cut to the three armed soldiers who might have been doctors and accountants months ago, but it’s Lord of the Flies time, now.
LOST
Naomi comes up to Jack and asks him what he was doing before he became Moses. HA! Whatever. Jack’s good humour ignores this and he says no-nonsensely that he was a doctor. It’s hardly a leading question, but she manages to link it up with his concentration, telling him he needs to concentrate for a sec. She doubts Juliet’s trustworthiness, and Jack sticks up for her, like we’ve seen again, and again, and again. Even Jules is tired of it and walks off. Naomi shows Jack how to work the phone in case she becomes incapacitated. To my chagrin, Special Guest Star Malcolm David Kelly comes up in the credits. Nads! Now all finale I’m going to be asking, where’s Walt repetitively. They shouldn’t have done that. They should be like 24 and have the credit at the end, like in series 4 when Tony, Michelle, and David Palmer turn up every eight hours respectively. They bring up Charlie, which brings us nicely to
Charlie gets punched in the face by Bad Cop, aka That Annoying Girl From 24 Day 2’s Mum. She beats him and That Annoying Chick From 24 Day 4 tells him they won’t hurt him if he talks. Charlie cracks a joke. ‘I came in my invisible submarine. Don’t you see it?’ Obviously not, that’s the point of being invisible. He gets punched again, and asks him how he knows about the station. He helpfully tells her that Juliet has switched sides. Good Cop says they better call Ben. Oh so they’re definitely Others, then. They do, and Charlie remembers the fate Desmond has laid before him.
Ben is writing in his diary and he hears Bad Cop call him over the radio. Ben comes out of his tent to get a better signal, which unfortunately means everybody can hear his conversation. Bad Cop tells him that one of the Lostaways is down there. Ben’s eyes bug out a lot.
Who, he asks, and finds out it’s Charlie. Hmm they’ve never had a scene together. ‘Tell him I said “Hi”’ says Charlie. Heh. Ben learns Juliet has switched sides, and the legendary Richard Alpert shakes his head in frustration. Ben tells Mikhail to go investigate The Looking Glass. Mikhail says that Ben told everyone that The Looking Glass was inoperable. Ben says, ‘I lied’ Yeah, that ain’t gonna wash with me, Sonny, you can only really say that when you are in the position of power, not when you are asking others to do stuff. His power’s slipping. Ben ain’t got time to shoot the s h i t, and Ben realises that the mission to nab the pregnant women is compromised. He calls up Ryan, (I reckon he’s the gay one), but he has wisely turned off his walkie talkie. They start their march towards supposed pregnant women. It’s very tense.
Sayid and Bernard are sniping the Others from afar, but Jin has only a handgun, and he’s much nearer to the explosives. Some Red Shirt Other screams they’ve been set up and
BANG!
Ah, Sayid, you are such a ledge. Ryan screams for three Others to get away from the tent, and they immediately become very far away from the tent and are probably still flying out into space. Hang on!!! The opening credits are still rolling, and basically everything from the previews is happening right now! Cor blimey, if that’s the first 10 minutes what are we in store for the next 70? Bernard calls on high for help, and he’s answered because
BANG!
Two more Others are blasted into oblivion. And now, Jin, after never before having looked cooler, starts shooting at the dynamite, but his shots go wide. ‘Ah, Jin,’ I say, ‘You’ve got bad aim, mate’ I immediately eat my words as he wastes two more Others in seconds from 20 feet in the dark whilst moving. Amazing. He moves towards the tent, but is apprehended by Ryan. God, he’s annoying. He uses Jin as leverage for Sayid and Bernard to relinquish their weapons. Bernard tries to circle round and play Rambo, showing that wives are always right, as Tom beats him to the ground. Sayid a proven crack shot is aiming for Ryan. He’s going to make it…but then that other Hawaiian looking Other holds him at gunpoint. They are defeated.
The Lostaways are miles away but heard the whole thing. Rose is looking at Jack as if it’s his fault the Others are so annoying. Kate jumps to the worst conclusion and Jack is speechless.
Jack’s in a hospital getting his stitches in. His ex-wife enters without knocking and asks Jack what happened. Jack tells her that there was a car accident. Sarah seems to think its Jack’s fault and asks if he’s still drinking. If you ask a Shepherd if they’ve been drinking you’ll always get the same answer. Rookie mistake, Sarah – that’s why the Red Sox’ll never win the Series, girl. Sarah doesn’t believe him. He wants to know why Sarah is there and she explains that she is still listed as his emergency contact and holy crap, she’s pregnant. Ah, Jack, this must be killing you…Well at least
Slayhacks’ll be happy. Jack, a broken man, asks her through welling up eyes if she could please give him a lift home. She doesn’t think so. What a bitch. Jack jackets it up, and we’re
back on the island, and the Lostaways are panicking and asking Jack questions he couldn’t possibly know. After Jack humours them saying that everyone’s OK, they start questioning him, and I’m thinking what the hell do you guys expect, he was with all you people he doesn’t know any more than you. Sun recommends that they wait for them to catch up. That’s silly, why would they? If they beat the Others, they’ll stay at camp and wait for Desmond and Charlie. If the Others beat them, they’re dead. I’m admiring Jack more and more as he quickly realises this and purports that no one gets Left Behind. Hey, that’s the name of a Lost episode. Rose says ‘If you say Live Together, Die Alone to me, Jack, I’m gonna punch you in the face.’ There’s no time for me to do any of that Hey That’s The Name Of A Lost Episode schtick as I’m on the floor cackling, and saying nonsensical stuff like ‘Rose is a G, man, Rose is a G’ Jack sees Rose’s point, and they crack on.
Charlie is still being grilled, and he’s telling them everything, saying the whole plan to turn of the blocking system, like Jesus, stop being so fuckin’ smug. Bad Cop points out The Flaw In The Plan (Hey, that’s a Harry Potter chapter titl- ah, I’ll give it a rest) and asks him how he plans to enter the code. Charlie has a hilarious expression on his face because he truly has no idea.
‘Whuh?’ he says in complete bafflement. Bad Cop pityingly explains that he has enter a code to turn off the jamming system and only she, Good Cop, and Ben know it. Charlie says it’s all moot as they’re all going to die, at least all his friends will be saved.
Ben is getting the deets from Tom that the whole plan was a screw up, Shepherd and everyone are gone, just about the whole team is dead, and, on a lighter note, they are holding Jarrah, the Dentist, and Kwon hostage. Ryan tried to bully Sayid, but a hogtied Sayid still has weapons at his arsenal, and spits in Ryan’s face. Good. I hate that guy. Ben tells them to shoot Jin. I sit up straight. Ben is a genius. Jin can barely speak and is therefore useless, Bernard and Jin have history, so Bernard will do everything to save Jin, and tell all. Jin says something in Korean. In hindsight that last sentence appears a little ignorant to me, however, it’s nowhere near as ignorant as Ryan’s ‘I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure that’s lovely…Syonara’ That’s Japanese, jackass – Jin’s Korean. Bernard cracks and tells all. Jin looks very embarrassed. Bernard even tells them about Karl, and fills in every gap of misinformation the Others have. He couldn’t have just lied? C’mon, Bernard, we know you’re not Rambo, but could you try being Sawyer, or even your wife? Ben realises that he has no relationship with his daughter any more as only she could have told Karl to spill the beans. Ben tells Tom to hold them for a little while longer.
It’s morning and Ben is drawing a line on a map to the radio tower. Ben will be going alone, and Richard will be taking them to the Temple (please say ‘of Doom’, please say ‘of Doom’,) Richard says that everyone’s asking questions. They should, 7 of their clan just died, and their new idol Locke is nowhere to be seen. Ben just needs the alone time. Alex comes up to bother him. Alex demands to go with him and feels wrong footed when Ben relents immediately. In fact, he thinks it’s a good idea. He’s going to talk the Lostaways out of calling for help. Don’t laugh, Ben has talked Juliet into giving up her family staying on the island for three years, he’s talked Jack into saving his life, he’s talked Michael into setting up his friends, he’s talked Mikhail into risking his life for no good reason, he’s talked Locke into trapping everybody on the island, he’s talked Bad and Good Cop into jamming their systems:
It’s possible.
The Lostaways are filling up on water. Kate has a baaaaad feeling about this. Sawyer basically tells her to Cowboy Up. They are arguing and it’s very annoying. Sawyer broods sullenly, and Kate splashes him. An inadvisable move, as the last time Sawyer got splashed he nearly got eaten by a shark. Kate knows something is up with her man. It’s the same dance. Sawyers about to die, and she screws him. They are rescued and now can they live happily ever after? No, she goes on a catastrophic journey with explosions, implosions, and chess-playing to stop another man who quite fancied her from leaving the island. Then she comes back, Jack’s interested in Juliet, Kate’s with Sawyer, and then she’s interested in Jack again. Sawyer’s now pulling away from her and she’s interested in him again. OFFS, Kate, nice guys like me hate girls like you, always wanting what’s bad for yourself, just cause you were abused by your step-father who was actually your father. It’s the same story for every Western woman in her late twentie! Kate notices that Sawyer calls her Kate. Women, even the tiniest thing’s a bloody issue with them. It’s soon obvious that Kate has a burning issue to shoulder: Juliet was sent to investigate whether she was pregnant as well as Sun, and Evangeline Lilly acts well enough to let her voice go a semitone higher as she puts this burden on Sawyer. ‘Well let’s hope you’re not.’ He says. Cold, man. I know preggers chicks die, but we all know you didn’t mean it that way. The light’s still red. And Des is still dead…
…tired after getting knocked out. He peers over the side of the boat. What he expects to see is beyond me. Then bullets fly at him. What a wake-up! It’s Mikhail, and he looks badass. Desmond dives into the ocean and follows the rope…to a flooded station, right? He still thinks so, right? Des surfaces, and sees Charlie strapped to the chair. Charlie tells him to hide, quick. This attracts the attention of the two Looking Glass chicks. Charlie passes it all off as if he was singing. Bad Cop slaps the crap out of him. Bad Cop gets a mental pat on the back from everybody.
We’re in FLASHJACK and Jack is pillpopping. Dr Rob Hamill enters and introduces himself as the new Chief Of Surgery. Dr Hamill’s quite cool, as he zazzes up his handshake addressing Jack as a hero – twice over. Jack weakly shakes his hand. Hamill speaks cheerfully, and Jack offers his no-humour no-bulls h i t, and professes his desire to operate. Hamill denies Jack the responsibility and tells him to go home and have a drink. You can tell they’ve never met. Jack walks haggardly out of the room into the waiting area where the kid whose life he saved waves at him sweetly.
We’re back on Craphole Island, and Sawyer stops and wants to go back. Jack tries to discourage him, and Kate defends Sawyer, but Sawyer basically tells her to stay out of it. Juliet pipes up to say she can help Sawyer get some guns, and that convinces Jack. Juliet and Jack share a touching jokey goodbye and then they kiss off. This stops Kate in her tracks. She gives Jack a dirty look
and stalks away.
Charlie is singing and Bad Cop is pissed off majorly. I remember an article put on thetailsection.com about 4 months before this episode aired where Dominic Monoghan was being interviewed and he said his character makes up a song whilst being tortured. Aaaaaa, now I get it. Thanks, brain. Bad Cop is ready to kill Charlie and goes to get the spear gun because that will hurt the most. Good Cop has no lines, really. If Bad Cop won’t listen to her, we ain’t gonna watch her. Bad Cop is about to discover Desmond in the armoury, when luckily Mikhail surfaces. He surveys the situation. Apparently Good and Bad Cop are meant to be in Canada. Ah, the lies of Ben. Mikhail tells them Desmond is around somewhere, and requests they ask Charlie where they are. ‘Here’s a better question, Cyclops’ begins Charlie, and any of his boring flashbacks, even the hideous episode Fire + Water are eradicated from memory as that just may be the greatest non-Sawyer-or-Hurley line in Lost history. Charlie stirs the pot by pointing out that Ben has lied to them, and the Good and Bad Cops have been jamming transmissions. Mikhail is very surprised to hear this, but then Ben calls them up, distracting him. Mikhail answers. Ben says the ‘everything I did, I did for the island’ bit from the previews. ‘The island told you it was necessary to jam your own people?’ (What a weird sentence out of context) Ben fervently consents to this idea and says that Mikhail has always been a loyalist, and to trust Ben and Jacob. Mikhail Bakunin, the father of anarchy, asks the most vital of all questions: Why? Here’s the exciting stuff: Ben says ‘The island is under assault by forces stronger than anything its had to deal with in many, many years, and we are meant to protect it, by any means necessary, the jamming was to protect everybody. We are in a serious situation, here.’ Innnteresting. Mikhail wants to know why he wasn’t told. Ben says he made a mistake, and apologises. Ooo you weren’t made leader to make mistakes, Ben. He asks Mikhail to help him by killing Charlie, Greta, and Bonnie – so that’s their names, I see. Alex is horrified by this.
‘How do I know you didn’t say the same thing to them about me?’
‘Because if I had Mikhail, you’d already be dead’
The way you can tell if something is poorly written – you can predict the next line on your first viewing. That adjacency pair is so clunky and unnecessary it actually makes me want to sit and dissect everything wrong about it, but there is a deadline to keep, and I don’t want Fernip or
Andrew to kill me.
Anyway, back to the show.
Sawyer brings up a good point – why WERE they digging on Alcatraz? ‘We were building a runway,’ says Juliet. ‘Runway, for what?’ ‘The Aliens’ Heh, poor gullible Sawyer, always getting conned by the Others. Juliet says she doesn’t know why. ‘You screwing Jack, yet?’ asks Sawyer. ‘No, you?’ Heh. Another timeless scene where a ballsy woman has asked Sawyer if he’s gay. Ah, Ana-Lucia, where are you now? Oh now I remember, in the ground like you deserved, you sour faced screen hogger. Sawyer finds out there are no guns, and they are going back to be killed. Sawyer asks why Jules is going, and she replies with the answer karma which I still don’t know what she means. I mean, she can join oliv3r and ask me for some, we know the Others have computers. Then up bounds Hurley, who has had no lines this evening. He is coming because he feels left out. I know, what he means, I’ve missed him all evening. Sawyer tells him there’s no chance. Sawyer, just like Charlie, tries to prevent Hurley the pain of discovering he’s embarking on a suicide mission by playing the ‘you’re so fat, you’ll kill us’ card. Unfortunately for Hurley, he knows the feeling of having killed someone because of his weight, and probably would have felt it again if Libby was still alive to complete his picnic night. You know what I’m talking about ;) They leave Hurley alone and depressed. Ben’s studying the map so he can intervene in the rescue mission. Alex wants to know why she’s been brought along. Teenagers. She was the one who demand to come along in the first place. Ben says he’s delivering her to her new family. Alex finally vents her indignation about Ben’s mistreatment of Karl to him. Ben says he didn’t want her to get pregnant; ‘I suppose I overreacted’ Ya think?? Alex pleads for Ben for let the Lostaways leave, and Ben says he can’t. So much, so few.
We’re on someone’s eye. After about 4 seconds, me and my friend I’m watching it with stand up and cheer. It’s Locke!!! He’s still in the pit – it’s been a whole 24 hours since he fell in, and if we watched a real time account of his time unconscious in the pit, it would still have been more thrilling than the last 24 hours we saw of Jack Bauer’s life. Locke’s legs aren’t working. Oh crap. Locke reaches over for a convenient gun, and cocks it at his head. The music gets really overpowering, but he’s aiming really wide, I’m pretty sure the bullet would miss.
‘Don’t, John,’ AAAH! It’s Walt! Excellent, Walt tells Locke to get up. They ague intermittently, but Walt says cathartically that John has to get up. They have work to do.
Oooo.
Kate has a stone in her shoe, and Jack stops to help her. And now we have an answer to the big mystery of Lost, how many Lostaways does it take to help get a stone out of a shoe. The sexual tension is genuinely arousing. Jack tells Kate Sawyer didn’t mean he didn’t want her to come with him, it was because he was trying to protect her. Jack reminds her that the exact same thing happened in episode 3.07 – Not In Portland. Ohh yeah, it did. Kate good-humouredly asks why Jack is sticking up for Sawyer.
‘Because I love you.’
Whoaaa what a quote, such gravitas. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make much sense when placed in context with the current timeline, situation, romance quadrangle, or even conversation. I’m starting to agree with FishBiscuit; maybe science geeks shouldn’t write romance.
We FLASHJACK to Jack kitted out in denim listening to grunge, reading whilst driving. He protests, but he really is one of those hard-core doctors. He phones a number, then hangs up. He looks at a paper clipping. I’m not that worried about that clipping atm, I know that’s the kind of thing they’ll reveal at the end of the episode, I won’t worry about that now, just like the Golden Snitch in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Jack jaywalks into a funeral parlour, and a police car goes past, not even bothering to apprehend him. It’s because he’s a white man, in a black neighbourhood, see? No one is at the funeral. The guy who works there asks Jack if he was friend or family. I’d be more concerned with the way Jack is swaying, blinking his eyes confusedly, has mottled and plastered skin, looks like he hasn’t shaved or washed in days, and is matching a denim jacket with denim jeans. That’s a nono. ‘Neither,’ Jack replies. He is left to mourn, and he tenderly touches the coffin. He is so stressed he needs to down more pills. There’s only one left, and I’m not surprised, the way he’s been knocking ’em back
We’re back on the island, and Jack is quizzing Rousseau about the radio tower. She admits that when they get rescued, she’ll stay on the island. There’s no place for a woman like her in a third-millenium world with mobile phones, iPods, internet, Starbucks, gay marriage, and a Bush still in the White House. They come to a halt as they are met by Ben and Alex. Jack walks forward and Ben greets him.
‘Cyclops’ is putting his eye-patch back on and comes out to an interrogative Greta and Bonnie. Mikhail answers their questions with more questions and searches for a way to shut off the jamming system. The girls detail that there’s only one possible way to shut it off. Mikhail reasons that, in that case, Bonnie and Greta have no reason to be there. Mikhail, like any true anarchist asks them why they didn’t ask why. Bonnie or Greta says that they are following orders, and that’s just the way things are done. Unfortunately for them, Mikhail is following orders, and they are done. He shoots the utterly pointless Good Cop into the ocean, then plugs the Bad Cop in the back. Just as he’s about to finish the job, Desmond bursts out of the armoury and says ‘Hey!’. Mikhail turns around and is shot in the heart with a spear gun. Woooow…
Desmond hurries over and takes Mikhail’s gun, Charlie tells Desmond not to shoot the only woman left alive, they need her.
Jack is strutting back and forth across Ben’s path in disbelief. Ben tries to introduce himself to Naomi, and Jack loses it. Ben wants to talk to Jack alone. After Kate corroborates Ben’s story that he’s alone, Jack decides to do as he’s told. Not before nicking Ben’s radio though.
We FLASHJACK to him in a pharmacy, he has run out of refills. Jack is notably unhappy at this news. Jack has come prepared with another prescription. A randomer interrupts this saying Jack’s the hero from TV. I wonder if there’s a twist that it’s not really Jack’s flashback, they’ve just got cameras to follow around Matthew Fox. The pharmacist almost laughs at the phoney-baloney prescription Jack has produced. Jack denies it was him who wrote it, it was his father. Yeah, we’ve all heard that one, mate. They argue stiltedly in almost hushed voices before Jack SLAMS his hand on the table, in an extremely masculine way, but then says weedily ‘Don’t bother’. Awww. He looked like he was about to get so violent, and he said that so weedily. I’m not making fun, that was just brilliant acting. Jack stumbles over a rack of glasses, then tearfully pulls himself together. My heart actually bleeds, that was such a sad scene.
Ben tells Jack to have a seat. Ben vaguely describes the Purge to Jack, and remarks the similarity between the two situations. Jack is about to kill all his people. Jack lols, and Ben explains that Naomi is a representative of some island hunters. She’s one of the bad guys, Ben says. Jack and I both say ‘You’re the good guys’. Ben lays it out straight. If Jack phones the boat, everybody will be killed. He tells Jack to take Naomi’s phone and give it to Ben. How in God’s name did Ben think that would work. Like Jack would go back to the people who have annoyed and looked up to him for the past 90 days and tell them, sorry, we’re going back to the beach, Ben asked me for the phone and I gave it to him; he asked nicely too. Ben asks Jack for his walkie back, citing that there’s something Jack needs to hear. BS!!! And Jack just hands it over. Ben contacts Tom, and basically the upshot of it all is that Jack has to do what Ben says or Tom’ll kill Sayid, Bernard, and Jin. The ensuing minute is ultra tense and Ben brings up a good point: why does Jack want to leave the island – he has no one in America, here on Craphole Island, he’s King. Jack hears the shots over the radio signalling the deaths of some the most popular characters on Lost. Seriously, me and my friend have jumped up and we’re devastated. Especially Sayid. And Jin. And, s h i t even Bernard, man. Ben apologises, and Jack loses his s h i t, and vents 90 days worth of frustration into Ben’s pointed little face.
Jack finishes Ben off with his left hand. Impressive. He buzzes Tom and tells him he’s going to call the boat, then kill him.
We’re back in the Looking Glass, and Charlie is coaxing dying Bad Cop into giving him the code to shut off the jamming machine. She does so ‘5, 4, 5…’ but Charlie is talking over her like a dimwit asking stupid questions like, ‘Is that the code?’ He pulls out his Sharpie pen and tries to scrawl in on the floor. I learn Bad Cop is called Bonnie, and that she was reciting Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys on a keytone. My friend and I simultaneously look at each other and murmur ‘I’m thinkin’ of good vibrations…’ The code was programmed by a musician. Ben, maybe? Charlie and Desmond exchange looks and then she finally dies.
Jack’s dragging a bloody Ben back to the group, and then throws him tempestuously to the ground. Jack marches off to get some air, and Alex comes over to Ben. Ben looks up through the blood at Rousseau standing over Alex. Now, I’m slightly irritated that both women have been standing together for at least a minute and this is when Rousseau finally shows some maternal yearning. Ben says weakly ‘Alex, this is your mother’ I bet that line wasn’t nearly as funny when it was on script. Remember, Rousseau shot Ben in the back with a crossbow about three weeks previously. Rousseau touches Alex and Ben gurgles blood. Rousseau asks Alex if she want to help her tie up Ben. Brilliant. Meanwhile, Jack is getting out some water, or possibly vodka to help relieve the stress of having condemned the guys on the beach. Kate joins him and discovers that Bernard, Jin, Sayid, all three of them are dead on their behalf. She mustn’t tell Rose or Sun. Kate wants to know why Jack didn’t just kill him, forgetting her real/fake dad’s sentiment that he ‘doesn’t have murder in his heart’. Jack has revenge! He wants Ben to see them all get into the helicopters and experience failure. And THEN Jack will kill him.
We cut to a steaming bloody corpse.
Er, whoa. Tom and Ryan are debating over whether or not to have followed Ben’s orders. It turns out that the orders were to keep them alive. My friend and I jump up again off the sofa in joy. However, I’m surprised that Tom really wanted them dead. I think Ryan and Tom should have swapped lines because it hasn’t been that way over the past season. Ryan has become the new Pickett, clocking Sayid with a shotgun butt when he tried to tell Alex about her mother, and Tom has not been at all menacing this season, nearly pulling a Hurley and fainting at blood, telling Jack and Kate to be careful because there are bugs listening to their conversation, and even during Bernard’s unloading of all information, Tom wasn’t really hostile and appeared to be on their side. Well, there you go, then. Sawyer and Juliet are peering through the greenery at their three comrades being gagged and incapacitated. The briefly exposit the whole David and Goliath situation they’re in, and Juliet manages to fit in calling Sawyer James rather clunkily into the sentence. They debate over what to do then Sawyer tells her to sshh, he hears something. It’s Hurley in the Dharma van ploughing down everything in its path. It’s slightly reminiscent of when he ploughed down Sawyer’s tent in ep 2.18 – Dave, as he does so again with the van. Ryan is the stupidest guy ever. Instead of diving out of the way like Tom, he Chief Wiggum’s it and tries to stop a speeding car with bullets by shooting Hurley. You think killing Hurley will stop the van? Hurley’ll just drop onto the accelerator you poor decrepit fool. Luckily Hurley does NOT die, and he runs over Ryan in the Greatest Moment in Lost History. Seriously. Nothing will ever top that,
EVER
Sawyer comes speeding over using the van as cover. Hurley is about to exit and do more damage, but Sawyer stops him and says ‘Stay in the bus, hero,’ Now did he say ‘hero’ or ‘Hiro’? Both would actually apply here in this segment of an epic tale where the comic relief murders the deadly enemy. Sawyer, who only had a shaft of bamboo as his weapon, spies Ryan’s gun on the ground and grabs it. He comes out from the cover of the van and aims at Hawaiian Guy. Sayid takes advantage of this distraction to break his neck.
Alright, Lost has stepped it up a notch, because that was
unbelievable. My friend and I collapse into each other screaming, cackling, and cheering, because, like, holy crap, did you
see that??? The finale has already finished by the time we recover, and after I navigate back to that bit and rewatch it a hundred times, we continue to watch the episode. Tom is crawling along the ground, going for his gun, but Juliet gets there first. Tom turns to face Saywer and admits defeat. BANG! [
Sawyer kills him. I think he’s feeling left out, as it was originally him, (well ORIGINALLY it was Kate, but whatever) who was meant to ice 3 Others and be a Hiro, but Sayid has already killed one whilst being tied up, even Hurley has already killed one. He didn’t want to be the odd man out.
‘That’s for taking the kid off the raft,’
Hell yeah, Sawyer. Tom goes cross eyed and dies. Hurley throws up the ethical point which has been compromising my enjoyment of this scene that Tom had surrendered and was unarmed. Sawyer says simply that he didn’t believe him. Hell yeah, Sawyer.
Jack is in hospital opening a cabinet. He gets it wrong on his first attempt, but then he’s successful in the quest for drugs. He swallows some, and walks out to collapse randomly onto the floor. Dr Hamill has watched all of this and is not impressed. He wants to privately reprimand Jack, but Jack ain’t having any of it. Dr Hamill tells the nurse to leave, so he can get on with it. Dr Hamill tells Jack that the burned woman crashed because she saw a man about to jump off the bridge. Well how’s that for coincidence. He suspects Jack was that man who was going to jump. Dr Hamill seems genuinely concerned for Jack, even pitiful. Jack sways drunkenly saying Hamill doesn’t know him, doesn’t know what he’s been through. Dr Hamill asks him how many drinks he’s had today. Jack does that think where he walks away then walks back and tells Hamill to go get his father and if Jack’s drunker than him, go ahead and fire him. This is Dr Hamill’s expression:
Jack:
He causes a scene by saying that he is unhelpable, and you come away feeling so pitiful for Jack. What a loser.
Well, at least
now the Shepherd’s leading his flock to certain rescue. He still has Ben’s walkie and Hurley’s voice buzzes through, ‘Attention Others, come in Others: If you’re listening to this, I want you to know that we got you bastards’ I love Hurley. Jack’s thinking the same thing too as Hurley continues ‘Unless you want the rest of you to get blown up, you best stay away from our beach,’ Jack is amazed to discover that Hurley saved everybody, Sawyer’s supping some beer, Juliet and Sayid are piling up the bodies, and Jin and Bernard are washing their socks.
The Lostaways and my friend and I cheer and applaud. Ah, Hurley’s such a legend. Ben looks despondent and defeated. Jack tells Hurley that they are going to continue to the tower, and Hurley says that he and the others will stay on the beach. Claire asks about Charlie, and Hurley tells her he isn’t back yet.
He’s pointing out the escape route to Desmond, and about to tap out Good Vibrations. Desmond hasn’t had any flashes so it must be all over. Charlie works it out after 3 tries and shuts off the beacon. So much for fate, Charlie says, and is about to exit when he hears the radio ring. There’s an incoming transmission, and a beautiful British voice is asking searchingly ‘Hello, can you hear me?’ Charlie responds and tells her he survived the Oceanic 815 plane crash and he’s on an island and he doesn’t know where. He asks her who she is, it’s Desmond’s old flame Penelope, and I get this swelling feeling in my chest. They ARE saved J. He calls Desmond and Penelope couldn’t be happier.
Charlie asks her about Naomi and the boat. Penny has no idea what he’s blathering on about, and the music gets ominous. We cut to Desmond checking out the 3 bodies. There’s one, two… oh no, where’s Mikhail? This question is not left hanging for long as we cut back to Charlie and Mikhail has gone to the trouble to put on some goggles and swim around to the window with a grenade. It’s tense as s h i t as he pulls out the pin,
and Charlie sprints to the water tight door, and shuts it just as Desmond’s about to enter and reunite with his love. ‘Pennyyyy!’ He yells, as Charlie locks him out. Mikhail takes his thumb off the grenade and it blows away the porthole. The chamber rapidly fills up with water, and Charlie realises that he’s going to die, finally, it has to happen, and he’s got one more thing to do before he can succumb to darkness. He frantically scrawls a message on his hand. Thank god for this, otherwise the secret of Naomi’s duplicity will die with him! He shows Desmond what he’s written,
and you can’t help thinking the message could include some grammar, but Des nods in comprehension, and touches his hand to Charlie’s through the window. Charlie backs away, does the sign of the cross, and departs from life.
Aaron is crying, and Naomi exchanges some phatic Northern dialogue. There’s a beep, and that signals that the jamming system has been thwarted, and now they can signal the boat which isn’t Penny’s. So Charlie died…for nothing. Great. Naomi bounds over to Jack with the good news. Unfortunately, they can’t use the phone as Rousseau’s distress call is blocking transmissions as well. Then we get a rare bird’s eye view of the Lostaways and we see that they have reached the gigantic radio tower. Jack and co enter, and Rousseau turns off the message with a slight nostalgia. Naomi walks outside to make that call. But they can’t be saved…we know that Lost isn’t going to finish until 2010, it’s been confirmed, they are most definitely not getting off the island. Not until 2010. Naomi is getting a signal and Kate gets excited. Jack tells Kate that he’s not going to celebrate until they’re home. That’s my kind of thinking, Jack. Ben yells desperately that it’s a mistake, it Jack’s last chance, and that this is the beginning of the end. So theatrical. Rather like God. Naomi dials for the boat, and there’s a whooshing noise and then she’s dead. I must repeat: It’s Looooocke!!
‘John!!!’ Jack screams in fury.
John pulls out a gun and aims at Jack. We can see that the bullet passed straight through him, as he has no kidney. I told you so. John tells Jack to stay away from the phone and fires a few warning shots, but Jack’s so macho, he goes for the phone anyway. I’m telling you Locke, and Ben, if Jack relinquishes the phone, he’ll be lynched by all the other Lostaways, I don’t know what they’re thinking. Ben encourages Locke to shoot Jack and Rousseau elbows Ben unconscious rather masculinely. People get knocked out too easily on this show.
‘No…’ says Jack. ‘You’re done keeping me off this island,’
‘I will kill you’ replies Locke.
‘Do it, John’ says Ben.
This is interrupted by someone answering the sat phone to the name of Minkowski, who sounds a lot like Clancy Brown from here. As predicted his comments don’t reveal a lot about himself, and he comes across rather hostile. John walks off miserably, probably to get a telling off from Walt. See, I don’t know why Walt himself didn’t just come out, that would have made a stunning impact, and at least delayed Jack for a while. Jack asks the guy on the phone if he’s on the boat and if he knows Naomi. Minkowski does, and he says that they should sit tight, they’ll be right there. The camera swings around Jack and it’s another touching moment. Jack and Kate exchange relieved looks. They are getting rescued. My friend and I sit up straighter than we have ever done before. Jack cries with the emotion.
We FLASHJACK from emotional man to a dripping sink with…is that a chicken?
Eww. Ah, cool Jack and I have the same sponge. We get a shot of maps and atlases accompanied with compasses, pills, and vodka bottles. So we’re defo in Jack’s house. He’s sitting slouched against the wall in a string vest, playing with his phone and knocking back whisky. He dials a number, and someone answers. He needs to see them, despite what they said. He arranges to meet at LAX.
He’s driven up, and is waiting in his car, when a Volvo pulls up. You’ll never guess who it is. It’s only Kate Austen from Craphole Island! Unfortunately, my dickhead friend Christopher Briggs who lives in Somerset had texted me the day before to say ‘Omg. The flashback is a flashforward.’ So this revelation gave me little surprise. My friend who I was watching it with fell off his chair at this point, and I told him to shut up. They exchange ‘Hey’s and Kate mentions she saw Jack on the news and makes a joke about how he’s got a thing for pulling people out of burning wreckage. Kate tells Jack he looks terrible.
Which is interesting because Kate looks better than ever, rosy cheeked, and wearing Banana Republic. She wants to know why they are meeting. They spent at least 4 months together flirting on a fuckin’ island, playing golf, getting shot at, being chased by monsters, saving each others lives, getting caught in a net, snogging each other, leading traumatised people, overcoming obstacles, climbing trees, gathering supplies, making fires, bringing people freshwater, telling each other that they LOVE each other. Any of those come to mind, Kate? Jack doesn’t want to sour the situation as much as I do, so he just hands her the newspaper clipping. Oh so we’re going to find out what it means. He asks why she didn’t go to the funeral. Her reply implies that she would have no reason to be there, and she hands the clipping back. Jack says ‘I’ve been flying a lot, that Golden Pass that they gave us’ Both my friend, whose name is Omer btw, and I crack up in raucous laughter that Oceanic let three hundred people die and the sixty-odd survivors, of which only about thirty are still alive get a free ticket on an aeroplane in return. That is actually well hilarious. Omer’s awesome, he gets my humour. Jack says he flies, drinks, then flies home. Is he a pilot? Kate, whose every line this episode has begun with ‘Why’, asks ‘Why?’ Because he wants it to crash, Kate. Poor, poor, Jack. Ben was right all along. Life was much better on Craphole Island, where you were a leader. See, how fuckin’ layered is this show? They could easily end the show with them getting rescued, but it’s such a good point. They have status on the island but when they go back, they are just unhinged by society, they can’t relate to anything, and no one can relate to them, it makes sense for Jack and Kate to stay together. This theme was brought up earlier with Rousseau, and it’s obviously become true for Jack. Maybe if they had only been on the island for two days, life on the outside world would have worked, but no, after a week on Craphole Island, they had already established lives and roles on that island. They had a heady supply of food and water, which would sustain them for generations. I think even if they got rescued after week one, the outcome would have been the same, Jack would be drinking himself to suicide, and Kate would be fooling herself into domestic Volvo-ed life. This show has an integrity that is just not spoken highly of enough, the questions raised up are entirely realistic and vital ones, and whilst sometimes the questions may not get answered for ages the producers and writers always pull through and give us enough each episode to sustain interest, and this was done most excellently in series three, not one episode went without a brilliant revelation or a ‘fu ck me’ moment; episode 1, we discovered the Others know everything; episode 2, we discovered the Others know much more than everything, even to the point of satellite TV; episode 3, we discovered the fate of what happened to the gentlemen involved in the Hatch implosion; episode 4, we discovered that there are 2 islands and the Others, especially Ben, are hyper-intelligent con artists; episode 5, we discovered another station, a new compelling beguiling Other with an eyepatch, plus the heralded Mr. Eko was beaten to death by a pillar of black smoke; episode 6, we learned of a new master called Jacob; episode 7, we learned that many of the Others were recruited and then brainwash people; episode 8, we learned Desmond had turned into Neo, and he was being taught by the Oracle his purpose in life which was to stop and watch Charlie die, which he defied; episode 9, a much maligned episode, and the least favourite of mine from series 3 we found out the meaning of Jack’s tattoos, I wasn’t excited by this, but I know some people were, and that was a shoutout to those people, but we also discovered that Cindy and the children were alive and well, if a little misinformed; episode 10, a self professed puff piece, but the episode was hilarious, and crowd pleasing, and even introduced us into a vital part of island mythology, the tragedy of Roger ‘Work Man’ Linus; episode 11, we return to eye-patch guy, and the mysterious Miss Bea Klugh, plus we’re treated to a massive explosion; episode 12, someone fricking imploded nuff said; episode 13, we discovered that the island could germinate previous life forms and manifest your heart’s desire; episode 14, Paulo and Nikki died, Lando Calrissian had a cameo, and we also found out who was writing to Michael on the Computer a season ago; episode 15, we saw the only lookers left on the island mud wrestle, then square off to the monster using sound warfare; episode 16, we got more backstory to the Others and a clear fleshing out and meaning to the back tumour storyline, plus a brilliantly executed twist; episode 17, someone who knows Desmond comes onto the island, rescue is near; episode 18, we find out that everybody thinks the Lostaways are dead; episode 19, we learn that Locke’s dad was the person who turned a straight little boy into a home wrecking, life damaging, traumatised rough handler; episode 20, we discover the bewitching ways of the enigma that is Jacob, who apparently holds the answer to Everything; episode 21, the rescue plan is formed and the stage is set for surprisingly abrupt plot movement; episode 22, well I haven’t even finished recapping it and I’m already sold, a million times over that this is the greatest televisual event in history…Although I wouldn’t really know about that – I download everything from oliv3r.net.
Anyway, on with the recapping. Jack’s going on about how he wishes that his planes could crash back onto Craphole Island. He is sick of lying (about what? People already know he was the leader on Craphole Island, I assume that’s what the guy in the pharmacy was on about, calling Jack a hero) Jack says it was a mistake to leave. S h i t, Ben WAS right all along. I wonder if it’s him in the coffin...nah, he’d never leave the island. Kate says she has to go, and I’m like, KATE! The man is broken, at least give him a consoling hug, you were bloody in love with him 2 years ago, look at him, he’s suicidal. She makes the excuse that he’s (who?) going to be wondering where she is. Jack stops her and holds her close to him and says ‘We were not supposed to leave’ But you did. ‘Yeah we were’ I’m very interested to see how both of them came to those conclusions. Kate leaves Jack wrecked, and the pain is there for all to see in his eyes as she leaves him.
‘We have to go back, Kate’ Kate’s crying too.
Just give the guy a break, girl, go get a Subway together. But no she drives off.
‘We have to go back!’ he cries after her. As the camera pans up, Omer’s saying ‘No, no, no, they can’t, no they can’t leave it there, they can’t leave it like that’ I’m silently thinking the same thing because that wanker Chris Briggs has ruined this for me. Well, never mind, I’m going to ruin Harry Potter for him.
They can’t leave it like that? Don’t tell them what they can’t do.
LOST
Grading: A*
To my disappointment, Ben doesn’t wink back. Hurley is over the moon and yells ‘woo’. Jack goes over to Kate and asks how things went with finding Locke. Seeing as he’s not with her, it’s fairly safe to say they didn’t. Kate is confused why Locke would kill Naomi, but Jack dismisses Locke as a crazy. Kate doesn’t know what this holds for the future. Jack does. The next time Jack sees Locke, he’s going to kill him, apparently. Sun is pleased too as she will have her baby in a hospital. Claire nudges Sun and says ‘Rub it in, why don’t you,’ which is rather touching. Rose comes over and Claire says Rose must be proud of Bernard’s heroism. I stifle a snigger. Rose doesn’t agree, the real hero was Charlie. That’s true enough. Rose wants Claire to treat Charlie ‘reeeeeal gooood when he comes back’. Claire is agape at Rose’s inappropriateness. 
Moving on with the fractured happy family of the Linus-Rousseaus, Ben pleads with Rousseau to do him this one favour and take Alex away, as everybody else is going to die. Unfortunately, Rousseau is deaf to this, except the part about Ben calling Alex ‘his’ daughter, which earns him a smack in the mouth. Ben dribbles blood and hopefully learns his lesson.
He cannonballs, grinning and comes up for air, washing the island off him. His moment is cut short as Desmond is back, but there’s no Charlie. Desmond, who, thank god, correctly interpreted Charlie’s last words, is warning the beach folk of their impending doom. Everyone is scared, and none more so than Hurley, who shouts over everybody petulantly, but justifiedly, ‘where’s Charlie?’ Desmond looks admonished and says he’s sorry as his voice breaks.
Jack is pissed. God, he’s being such an ass in this episode. Do the writers actually like the guy they’ve put as the Shepherd?
Hurley starts raving and ranting. Now I’ve heard some theories that Creepy-Eyes Abbadon is the Smoke Monster, but I doubt it, as the writers have hinted that the Smoke monster can’t leave the ground, which is why it couldn’t get through the sonic fence. It would have to leave the ground to go to California.
Who was the eye? A sensible guess would be John Locke; this person has the same Hugo Weaving-esque eyebrows, from the quality of the skin, they aren’t young, this person is white, and from the eye shape they are not Korean or Japanese. This eye doesn’t have prominent eye lashes, so it’s safe to say it’s a male. Also the eye is the left eye, which is the eye where Locke doesn’t have a Bond villain-type scar. This eye doesn’t. From distance of the eye to the far left side of his head, it’s also safe to say this person has thinning hair or none at all. My money is on Vincent the dog, Christian’s mobisode bumchum. Hurley scarpers, but like Neo in the Matrix Revolutions, running in a straight line has made him apparently run in a circle as the cabin is right in front of him. The door opens. Jacob is a man that summons you…Hurley says there is nothing there and then there isn’t. Thanks for killing Jacob, Hurley. Hurley falls backwards randomly. Standing over him with a torch is, to my disappointment, not Vincent, but John Locke. It’s Loooooocke! Looking at Locke, I notice he has crow’s feet, whereas the Mysterious Eye didn’t. Not Locke’s Eye. ‘Hello Hugo,’ he says. Man, it’s been a while, fifteen episodes since they last shared a scene together all the way back in Flashes Before Your Eyes.
My fellow viewer, David laughs raucously at her expectancy. Harsh. Juliet hugs Alex. Claire looks worried, and Desmond takes it upon himself to tell her. Hurley stops him. It probably is best for Claire to hear it from Hurley, they’ve been relatively close ever since he shielded her from the exploding turbine and gave her two aeroplane meals in the pilot. To be fair to Desmond though, he is very distraught, and no doubt feels guilty and responsible for Claire’s impending grief. Hurley breaks the news to Claire. It’s heartbreaking.
We discover that Charlie made Hurley go on a rampage. Hurley maintains that Charlie is dead, and therefore can’t be here. Charlie agrees that he is dead…but he is definitely there. That sounds like Dumbledore reasoning to me. Hurley wants Charlie to prove it. Charlie slaps Hurley, just like how Dave did in the titular Dave episode. Hurley sits down and asks Charlie if he knew he was going to die. Charlie nods. Charlie tells Hurley that he’s just hiding from what he has to do. This sours the conversation, so Hurley imagines Charlie away. Maybe Hurley is like Walt with his mind abilities to make stuff happen. I say he imagined Charlie away because Charlie’s final words are ‘I am here, they need you, you know they need you, Hugo’
Jesus, Jack, come back from this dark place, talk it out, take a leaf from Sayid’s book. Back from commercials, Jack is ‘whaling’ on Locke, like the great ‘WHERE WERE YOU’ scene from Boone’s funeral. And yet again it’s Sayid and Sawyer who restrain him. Christ, Jack’s such a bastard, to almost murder Locke in front of everybody. Locke insists that all he’s ever done was in the best interests of everyone on the island. I’m trying to find a hole in this comment but everything I come up with, there is an argument that it was actually good for the Lostaways…Oh I got one! Boar-hunting: how does that help Kate, JOHN, she’s a vegetarian! Jack says ‘Are you INSANE!’ and it is truly hilarious, and it provokes a round of applause from all watching with me. 
Jack and John argue about ways and means. Jack yells ‘You KILLED Naomi!’ and thank for lord for Ben as he says ‘Well, technically, he…didn’t…kill her…yet’ Comedy Genius! The other actors must be spitting at how Emerson is getting all the premiere’s best lines. Kate comes into the area and pronounces Naomi dead on her arrival. She hands the fixed sat phone to Jack and says that ‘they’ are on their way. Locke rebukes this and says that Naomi wants her people to come here anyway, and everybody better run. His plan is to camp out at the Barracks, and work out what to do next. Then Locke does the brilliant Arnie-like ‘Come with me if you want to liiiiiiiiiiiiive’ bit from the trailers. No one follows. Jack resorts to dirty mudslinging in the island politics and calls John a crazy again. But Hurley sticks up for Locke. What Locke said about Charlie hit Hurley. Hurley recaps the moon pool scene. Jack has the decency to have some shame. 
He’s not obviously hooked on drugs yet. Give it time. They make idle chitchat whilst playing HORSE. Jack’s passing through on his way for a consult. He’s signing autographs a couple of times. Jack’s lameness on the court is ridiculous. 
Jack’s thinking of growing a beard. Nice tie-in with continuity there. Hurley wants to know why Jack’s really there. Jack’s just there because he wants something to fix. Hurley suggests it’s to see if he was going to tell. Tell…what? Who? Jack asks ‘Are you?’ Hurley ignores the question and Jack doesn’t see any reason for staying there, and leaves. As he leaves, Hurley apologises for going with Locke. Argh I’m so confused. Jack says its ancient history.
