Previously on Lost: Charlie made contact with Penelope Widmore, Naomi Dorrit got knifed by Legend Locke, around the same time Charlie discovered that she had been lying about her connections to the island. Despite all warnings, Jack decided, ah hell, flashforwards will make a change anyway, and makes contact with the supposedly vigilant/deceptive freighter.
We open on some papayas. For the first time ever it’s not an eye! Nothing out of the ordinary here. Bang! They get mowed down by a racing striped Camaro. This scene of ‘Police, Camera, Action!’ is interspersed with season two premiere style shots of a facially concealed man getting ready for the day. This smartly dressed man makes an orange juice and tops it off with some Vodka. So it’s definitely Jack then. He sees the police chase live on TV and says a very Bauer-esque ‘Dammit,’ under his breath. We join the action live. The Camaro does a Starksy and Hutch and makes it over the ramp. The chase halts as the Camaro crashes into a…well I don’t know what that is, but it’s irrelevant for now. The cops cover the car, and holler for the driver to get out. The driver holds up his hands through the window, and slowly exits the vehicle, all the while his face is hidden from view. Like THAT would disguise who it is, we can already tell from the body shape who it is, and yes, the brilliant Lost has followed tradition and opened the premiere with a mindfuck. Hurley looks a little crazy, and looks round anxiously. He decides to make a run for it. I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious! It takes literally 3 seconds for him to get nabbed by the chasing policeman and held against a wall. As he gets detained he yells that he’s one of the Oceanic 6.
LOST
Michael Cudlitz, an actor who has appeared in, oh everything, is interviewing Hurley in an interrogation room, and expositing for the audience that everything was fine with Hurley until he saw something, freaked out, and then the car chase began. Hurley denies having seen anyone, and learns that whatshisface knew Ana Lucia *shudders* Hurley denies ever having met her. Which is fair, as I don’t think they ever shared a scene together whilst she was alive. Cudlitz decides to give Hurley some space, and pops out for a donut. Hmmm cop eatin’ a donut, what next, doctor playing golf? Suddenly the one way mirror in the interrogation room switches into an aquarium. A hooded (that means he’s drugged) Charlie swims up to the glass with ‘THEY NEED YOU’ on his hand. This causes the glass to smash, flooding the room. Hurley is terrified, and frantically tries to escape. Cudlitz comes in all bravado, and normalcy returns. He’s put out about Hurley’s odd behaviour and gives an empty threat about sending Hurley to the nut house. Hurley can’t believe his luck, and accepts the invitation without irony. Then he hugs him.
Back on the island, Hurley radios Jack, approximately twenty minutes after where we last saw him on the island in the finale, and Jack tells him that everything is fine, and that they are getting off the island. Jack winks at Ben.
To my disappointment, Ben doesn’t wink back. Hurley is over the moon and yells ‘woo’. Jack goes over to Kate and asks how things went with finding Locke. Seeing as he’s not with her, it’s fairly safe to say they didn’t. Kate is confused why Locke would kill Naomi, but Jack dismisses Locke as a crazy. Kate doesn’t know what this holds for the future. Jack does. The next time Jack sees Locke, he’s going to kill him, apparently. Sun is pleased too as she will have her baby in a hospital. Claire nudges Sun and says ‘Rub it in, why don’t you,’ which is rather touching. Rose comes over and Claire says Rose must be proud of Bernard’s heroism. I stifle a snigger. Rose doesn’t agree, the real hero was Charlie. That’s true enough. Rose wants Claire to treat Charlie ‘reeeeeal gooood when he comes back’. Claire is agape at Rose’s inappropriateness. 
Moving on with the fractured happy family of the Linus-Rousseaus, Ben pleads with Rousseau to do him this one favour and take Alex away, as everybody else is going to die. Unfortunately, Rousseau is deaf to this, except the part about Ben calling Alex ‘his’ daughter, which earns him a smack in the mouth. Ben dribbles blood and hopefully learns his lesson.Juliet is digging graves (there’s ten bodies, its going to take a while), whilst Sawyer is still supping stale beers from the Hurley bus. Hurley tells Bernard about his fortune, and how it was more trouble than it was worth, which is actually a rather flip phrase. Who needs trouble worth more 156 million dollars? That’s extremely bad luck. Hurley is happy as apparently Oceanic flight 815 is on the sea bed and as there’s no survivors, he will be marked as dead and all his money will be gone, and his curse will be over. Hurley wants to do a cannonball. In a sweet moment, Bernard urges him on. Hurley’s jubilance as he’s running up is infectious and myself and my work buddy who I’m watching it with are helpless to laugh at it.
He cannonballs, grinning and comes up for air, washing the island off him. His moment is cut short as Desmond is back, but there’s no Charlie. Desmond, who, thank god, correctly interpreted Charlie’s last words, is warning the beach folk of their impending doom. Everyone is scared, and none more so than Hurley, who shouts over everybody petulantly, but justifiedly, ‘where’s Charlie?’ Desmond looks admonished and says he’s sorry as his voice breaks.We’re back with Jack who is getting called by Winkowski/Minksowski, who sounds completely different now that an actor’s been cast for him. George, for that is his first name, says that Jack has to ‘rejigger’ some settings on the sat phone. As I suspected, ‘rejigger’ isn’t even a word, as spellcheck thinks I’m trying to write ‘rejecter’ or ‘beiger’. George asks for Naomi. Er…better do some quick thinking Jack, quick put Ben on the phone. Jack’s best effort is that Naomi went to get some firewood. Jack puts George on hold so he can come up with a better story, but oh nads, Naomi’s vanished. Ben must have seen the whole thing. Jack comes up trying to intimidate Ben asking where Naomi is. Ben gives an expression of ‘I’unno’.
Jack is pissed. God, he’s being such an ass in this episode. Do the writers actually like the guy they’ve put as the Shepherd?Back on the beach, they are all arguing. They all believe Desmond, but Sayid reckons that if the freighter people are evil, they are no doubt monitoring their communications. Juliet wants them to warn Jack, but Hurley straps on some cojones and throws the walkie talkie into the ocean. Sawyer and Sayid are lost for words, but Hurley isn’t. ‘We better get going’ he says dramatically. Damn, he wasn’t even this badass when Libby died. Charlie meant a helluva lot more to him. ‘Goin’ where??’ Sawyer yells, but it doesn’t matter, just get going!
Rousseau has found Naomi’s trail, but Jack wants Ben to come with them, as apparently only HE can withstand Ben’s manipulative wordpower. Jack gathers everybody and tells them to head back to the beach, so it’s easier for the Rescuers to find. Claire points out that Jack looks worried. Jack lies to his half sister and says its nothing. Kate privately talks to Jack and she notifies him that she has also found a trail, but it goes in a different direction to the one Rousseau found. Jack dismisses Kate’s tracking abilities. Ah damn you, Jack, can’t you ever admit you were wrong? Even Locke did once, hell even Ben did, but you’re so annoyingly overconfident, you big loser. Kate hugs Jack and Ben eyes this suspiciously.
Back on the beach, there is a whole armoury, and everyone loads up on hardware to dramatic music. Sayid throws Sawyer a massive assault rifle, and Sawyer says the ‘Here I was thinkin’ I was gonna get a good night’s sleep’ line from the trailers that shivered my timbers so much.
We FLASHFORWARD to Hurley playing connect 4 in the care home, with a guy that looks like Randy from the chicken shack. A care nurse administers Hurley with some pills and says he has a visitor. It is a tall thin bony bald man, named Matthew Abbadon. He is an attorney for Oceanic airlines. He comes to Hurley with a proposition to upgrade Hurley to a better hospital. Hurley, despite his incarceration in a mental home has a good head on him, and something doesn’t sit right about him, and he turns down the offer. He asks for some ID, but Abbadon must have left it at home. Hurley gets up to leave, but Abbadon says a little forcefully ‘Are they still alive?’ The music goes all spooky. ‘Whuh?’ says Hurley. ‘You heard me,’ says Abbadon and I’ll be damned if that ain’t the creepiest looking guy ever…look at his face! Pure evil
Hurley starts raving and ranting. Now I’ve heard some theories that Creepy-Eyes Abbadon is the Smoke Monster, but I doubt it, as the writers have hinted that the Smoke monster can’t leave the ground, which is why it couldn’t get through the sonic fence. It would have to leave the ground to go to California.Back on the island, it’s the dead of night, and Sawyer compassionately offers Hurley a healing hand if he wants to rap about Charlie. Hurley isn’t ready yet. Hurley takes a moment, but then gets Lost. He shouts about, and stumbles through the thicket to find Jacob’s cabin. Excellent! We also get some more whispers. How on earth will they ever explain that?
Rousseau learns that Naomi set up a dummy trail. How does it feel to be wrong ALL the time, Jack. Sayid for island leader 2008. Ben says ‘Better call the boat…tell them she’s getting a really BIG bundle of firewood’ Since when has Ben been a comedy genius like this? Zing! Jack realises that he can’t even call the boat as he doesn’t have the sat phone. Ben tells him that Kate nabbed the phone of him when she hugged him. I wonder why? Ben goes old school Henry Gale on him and belittles Jacks leadership saying that at least Kate’s more in the know than Jack. Now that’s a DISS, Ben. Jack’s pissed, and jerks Ben along on the rope.
Kate hears the sat phone ringing and she answers it. It’s a short call, George asks some questions that Kate can’t answer and she hangs up. Some blood trickles onto her shoulder. She looks up and in true horror movie style, Naomi sets upon her with a knife. Naomi wants the phone. Naomi is pissed at how she tried to get them rescued and she got knifed for her troubles. Kate pleads for her life and puts it all on Old Man Locke’s craziness. The sat phone is ringing. Kate gives it to Naomi. Naomi covers for the 815ers and says that she is dying due to her own brainless landing. She ‘rejiggers’ the phone again so that the freighter can get a lock on them. What the hell? How many times do they have to do this? How can the island be so elusive? It’s the third time in two episodes that they’ve taken the co-ordinates of the island, they must just be really bad at their job. Naomi tells George to tell her sister that she loved her. I bet she doesn’t even have a sister! It’s some kind of distress code like ‘Not Penny’s Boat’ or ‘Bring me the Man from Tallahassee’ Although thinking about it, ‘Tell my sister I love her’ can only be said if you were in a situation where you were dying…Perhaps she should have said what alledgedly was the French signal for battle in World War Two according to human Homer Simpson Karl Pilkington (search google) which was ‘John’s got a moustache’. Anyway, Naomi dies.
Hurley, in true horror movie style uncertainly says ‘Hello??’ to the cabin. He creeps up and peers through the window. He sees the familiar white shoes of Christian Shepherd. Tilting up, he sees the familiar face of Christian Shepherd. Well, not familiar to Hurley, they’ve never had a scene together…YET. A wide eye comes to the window scaring the shit out of Hurley.
Who was the eye? A sensible guess would be John Locke; this person has the same Hugo Weaving-esque eyebrows, from the quality of the skin, they aren’t young, this person is white, and from the eye shape they are not Korean or Japanese. This eye doesn’t have prominent eye lashes, so it’s safe to say it’s a male. Also the eye is the left eye, which is the eye where Locke doesn’t have a Bond villain-type scar. This eye doesn’t. From distance of the eye to the far left side of his head, it’s also safe to say this person has thinning hair or none at all. My money is on Vincent the dog, Christian’s mobisode bumchum. Hurley scarpers, but like Neo in the Matrix Revolutions, running in a straight line has made him apparently run in a circle as the cabin is right in front of him. The door opens. Jacob is a man that summons you…Hurley says there is nothing there and then there isn’t. Thanks for killing Jacob, Hurley. Hurley falls backwards randomly. Standing over him with a torch is, to my disappointment, not Vincent, but John Locke. It’s Loooooocke! Looking at Locke, I notice he has crow’s feet, whereas the Mysterious Eye didn’t. Not Locke’s Eye. ‘Hello Hugo,’ he says. Man, it’s been a while, fifteen episodes since they last shared a scene together all the way back in Flashes Before Your Eyes.Locke and Hurley catch up, and Locke learns that he was right all along, thanks to Charlie’s dying message. John does a Ben and subtly manipulates Reyes with the thought that if they meet the Rescuers, Charlie died for nothing. They meet back with the Beach Army at the cockpit from the pilot…it’s really been that long. Sayid is disgruntled at Locke’s presence, which is a pity as he had been fairly gruntled (that’s not even a word) throughout the episode. It’s a shame to see two of my favourite characters at odds like this. Locke insists his intentions are honourable. He mentions that Jack didn’t take him seriously, but he might if he had some support. Sayid is still fuming at how Locke destroyed the submarine. Go on, Locke, tell him, then you and Sawyer can be friends with Sayid and form a legendary fighting squad with Ben as your nerdy sidekick who designs gadgets. My dreams of a perfect Lost are shattered as Locke sees the group that went to the radio tower approaching. Sun and Jin and Bernard and Rose reunite. Claire looks round eagerly.
My fellow viewer, David laughs raucously at her expectancy. Harsh. Juliet hugs Alex. Claire looks worried, and Desmond takes it upon himself to tell her. Hurley stops him. It probably is best for Claire to hear it from Hurley, they’ve been relatively close ever since he shielded her from the exploding turbine and gave her two aeroplane meals in the pilot. To be fair to Desmond though, he is very distraught, and no doubt feels guilty and responsible for Claire’s impending grief. Hurley breaks the news to Claire. It’s heartbreaking.We FLASHFORWARD to Hurley in the hospital grounds drawing a friendly igloo and an Inuit. Another patient goes by and warns Hurley that some guy is watching him. *gasp* is it old Creepy-Eyes Abbadon? Nah it’s just the VH1 Hasbeen. Charlie looks pretty slick.
We discover that Charlie made Hurley go on a rampage. Hurley maintains that Charlie is dead, and therefore can’t be here. Charlie agrees that he is dead…but he is definitely there. That sounds like Dumbledore reasoning to me. Hurley wants Charlie to prove it. Charlie slaps Hurley, just like how Dave did in the titular Dave episode. Hurley sits down and asks Charlie if he knew he was going to die. Charlie nods. Charlie tells Hurley that he’s just hiding from what he has to do. This sours the conversation, so Hurley imagines Charlie away. Maybe Hurley is like Walt with his mind abilities to make stuff happen. I say he imagined Charlie away because Charlie’s final words are ‘I am here, they need you, you know they need you, Hugo’We’re back at the front section of the plane. Hurley tries to explain the circumstances of Charlie’s death but doesn’t get very far as Jack-ass ruins the moment by beating Locke to the ground and attempting to kill him
Jesus, Jack, come back from this dark place, talk it out, take a leaf from Sayid’s book. Back from commercials, Jack is ‘whaling’ on Locke, like the great ‘WHERE WERE YOU’ scene from Boone’s funeral. And yet again it’s Sayid and Sawyer who restrain him. Christ, Jack’s such a bastard, to almost murder Locke in front of everybody. Locke insists that all he’s ever done was in the best interests of everyone on the island. I’m trying to find a hole in this comment but everything I come up with, there is an argument that it was actually good for the Lostaways…Oh I got one! Boar-hunting: how does that help Kate, JOHN, she’s a vegetarian! Jack says ‘Are you INSANE!’ and it is truly hilarious, and it provokes a round of applause from all watching with me. 
Jack and John argue about ways and means. Jack yells ‘You KILLED Naomi!’ and thank for lord for Ben as he says ‘Well, technically, he…didn’t…kill her…yet’ Comedy Genius! The other actors must be spitting at how Emerson is getting all the premiere’s best lines. Kate comes into the area and pronounces Naomi dead on her arrival. She hands the fixed sat phone to Jack and says that ‘they’ are on their way. Locke rebukes this and says that Naomi wants her people to come here anyway, and everybody better run. His plan is to camp out at the Barracks, and work out what to do next. Then Locke does the brilliant Arnie-like ‘Come with me if you want to liiiiiiiiiiiiive’ bit from the trailers. No one follows. Jack resorts to dirty mudslinging in the island politics and calls John a crazy again. But Hurley sticks up for Locke. What Locke said about Charlie hit Hurley. Hurley recaps the moon pool scene. Jack has the decency to have some shame. 
‘So I’m not listening to *you*!’ says Hurley with an unprecedented amount of hate in his voice. Get a load of the cojones on Hugo, man. Hurley joins Locke. Now Locke’s side has a little pulling power. Jack cries. His half-sister joins Team Locke. Ben asks Jack for permission to join Locke and everybody watching the premiere laughs again. The entire Linus-Rousseau family join team Locke. To my total surprise, Rose doesn’t. She’s normally rather shrewd about Locke. After all, she knows the island healed Locke, and she knows exactly why Locke does what he does. I’m very disappointed in Rose. They stick to Jack’s side. I’m obviously on Team Locke. The two factions are Team Locke and Group B, for biased opinions sake ;) Ah well, Rose is no loss, Team Locke can do without her, we’ve already got the 1st and 3rd most coolest characters in the show on our team. And now we’ve got the 2nd as Sawyer joins them. Kate is fraught. And Sawyer is dying inside. It starts raining. Thus begins the Great Schism, and Team Locke leave.
We FLASHFORWARD to Hurley playing some basketball. Dave’s not there. Another creepy suit joins him. Oh, it’s Jack.
He’s not obviously hooked on drugs yet. Give it time. They make idle chitchat whilst playing HORSE. Jack’s passing through on his way for a consult. He’s signing autographs a couple of times. Jack’s lameness on the court is ridiculous. 
Jack’s thinking of growing a beard. Nice tie-in with continuity there. Hurley wants to know why Jack’s really there. Jack’s just there because he wants something to fix. Hurley suggests it’s to see if he was going to tell. Tell…what? Who? Jack asks ‘Are you?’ Hurley ignores the question and Jack doesn’t see any reason for staying there, and leaves. As he leaves, Hurley apologises for going with Locke. Argh I’m so confused. Jack says its ancient history.‘I don’t think we did the right thing, Jack,’ says Hurley ‘I think it wants us to come back’
‘Hurley…’ Jack begins
‘I think it’s going to do everything it can…’
‘We’re never going back!’ yells Angry Jack
‘Never say never, dude’
God, this conversation has gone from scrutable (that’s not even a word) to inscrutable in a flash. You cannot scrute it for love nor money.
Back at the first class section of the plane, just Kate and Jack are reminiscing about Charlie. The helicopter comes: oooo. A ridiculous CGI stick figure jumps from the helicopter and parachutes onto the island. Jack and Kate run for it. Where is everybody else? At the beach? They come across the parachutist and stare agape. The parachutist, played by the dude from Saving Private Ryan asks ‘Are you Jack?’ They stare for a full ten seconds.
Well, yes or no? Stay tuned next week to find out if he is!
LOST
Grading: A-
Interesting points raised:
Jack should be in prison
Michael was credited
Hurley’s car was the same from Tricia Tanaka Is Dead
Hurley joins Locke’s team but gets off, what’s with that?
What happens to Juliet? She’s in Group B, but doesn’t stay with Jack
Desmond stayed with Jack. I would have thought he have been a dead cert to follow Penny’s information.
‘It’? ‘They’?
What does Hurley have that ‘They’ need?
Is, like, Jack’s dad, Jacob now?
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