Previously on Lost: Nothing happened.
Open on a closed eye, which opens. A very similar opening to Eggtown, except here, we actually have something better to wake up to than two eggs and a melon. What could be better than two eggs and a melon I hear you ask? Why, two eggs and two melons of course! Juliet and her two melons bounce pendulously which gets a rise out of Jack, the owner of the eye. Bad choice of phrasing there, I guess. Outside Jack’s tent, there is a hubbub/furore/fracas/ruckus (not sure about the difference between them). Group B are ganging up on Charlotte and Daniel, Rose givin’ all her Bronx sass, Jin not doing much. ) 
Jack tells ’em to calm down, he knows Charlotte and Daniel are lying, but sooner or later, someone will come to pick them up. Sun says smartly that there a situation may arise where Charlotte and Daniel run off again, and I’m like, what do you want Jack to do, Sun, what do you want him to do? Just shut up and listen to him, alright? What’s he supposed to do, send their little piggies to market? No, he’s going to ignore how a doctor is dead on the island but still alive on the freighter, because that’s all nonsense, and he has a degree and he’s better than that. I hate Sun. How has she survived so long? To reassure everyone, Jack makes a nervous speech ‘I said I was gonna get us of this island, all of us, I promised that I would’ Umm, you should see your flashforwards, mate. Then he collapses to the ground dying.
FLASH(SOMETHING) to Jack bare-chested in bed, and I mean bare. He used to own a Austin Powers like blanket of chest hair, and now he’s clean as a fiddle, he doesn’t even have any, like, scars around his stomach area, so it’s good to know he hasn’t been shot or maimed or anything. The phone rings. It’s his office, switching dates. Jack gets out of bed, and wraps a towel around his lower body, and picks up some red cobwebby knickers. Nice. Little did he realise that he would wear those for the 4 months he spends on the island. He stashes them in a drawer for later. He comes down the stairs, and I’m like, I know those stairs! If you’ve watched the ending of Eggtown as much as I have, you’d know. So we’re in a flashforward. Jack trips on Aaron’s toy Millennium Falcon, muttering ‘sonofabitch’ (way too much time with Sawyer), does the dishes (which as he is a man, consists of placing them gingerly in a sink), makes coffee, and checks the paper, presumably yesterdays. It has bad news, the Red Sox have been ‘bludgeoned’ (what’s a bludgeon, a noun or a verb?) by Lapidus’ team, the Yankees. He goes to the bathroom where Kate is showering. She says she brought him a razor. HA! How ironic! For two reasons, can you guess them? Hairy-Arms Kate gets out of the shower all wet and snogs Jack.
LOST
Jack is reading Alice 
Although she’s technically hot from the side. She straddles him, like how she did with her fiancé in her marriage episode, and like then, the man carries her off and she giggles. History repeats itself!
Back on the island, Juliet is being a great replacement Jack, being very calm and cool. Jack tries to lunge forward, but collapses again. Kate arrives concerned. Jack says he’s just dehydrated, but Kate knows better. Jack says he’s fine and soldiers on.
Sawyer, Claire, and Miles are making for the beach with baby in tow. Claire lets it slip that she’s been seeing things. Miles stops walking because he’s hearing echoes of the past. He asks who is Danielle and Karl. Aaw man, this ep was written by Eddie and Adam, my least favourite Lost writers. Where’s a Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof written episode?? They always write earth shattering episodes, like The Brig, and The Constant. 3 out of my top 5 Lost eps are written by them. Miles uncovers Danielle and Karl’s bodies. It upsets them all. Sawyer asks if Miles ‘buddies’ did this, and Miles nervously states that whatever he signed up for, this wasn’t part of it, and they are not his buddies. Claire gets really upset, and who can blame her, Rousseau and Alex saved her life once. Sawyer calms her down, and they leave.
At the beach, Juliet wants to check up on Jack. Jack reckons it’s food poisoning because of his symptoms. Juliet wants Jack to take off his shirt. Well, who doesn’t? Jack reluctantly does so, and Juliet's suspicions that it’s his appendix are confirmed. Juliet says they will have to remove it.
Juliet asks Sun to get supplies from the Staff if she can remember the way. Sun remembers. Juliet makes a list of the supplies but Sun is a lay person, she doesn’t know what a suture is, or even how to spell it. Daniel says he can help, but nobody trusts him. Jin says his second line of the episode ‘No’ making a grand total of 4 letters. Charlotte Charlotte Charlotte 
Then she tells the rest of Group B to make a sterile environment. I hope she’s leader when Jack’s gone, she’s just like him, but slightly more relatable and approachable. She’s a doctor. She walks among them but is not one of them. Her flashbacks are interesting. Yeah, she’s a wicked leader. Kate asks why they don’t take Jack to the medical station if everything’s there, slightly echoing the gayest line in Lost history – Jack: We shouldn’t bring the water to the people *pause for effect* we should bring the people to the water. LAAAAAAME!!! Juliet doesn’t want to panic Kate or anything, but if she does that, Jack will DIE.
Charlie watches over Claire, oh no it’s Miles. Claire is rocking Aaron to sleep. Sawyer barges over and tell Miles not even to think about it. Miles and I say ‘think about what?’ Sawyer says to not even look at her. Josh Holloway is really funny in this scene, and tells Miles he has a restraining order. 
Miles asks him, in a dramatic ironic style if he’s Claire’s big brother. It’s not the time to make jokes, as Sawyer threatens him.
Rose and Bernard are making a sterile environment. Bernard reassures Rose that Jack will be ok, an appendectomy is harder to say with a mouth full of mushrooms than perform on a beach. Rose says that she wasn’t thinking about that, she was worried WHY he got sick. Perhaps it’s because cellulose isn’t such a big part of our diet anymore. Bernard reckons its bad luck. The day before we’re supposed to get rescued? Says Rose. Now hold the phone, who said they were getting rescued tomorrow? This is the first I’ve heard about it all season. UGH!!! Eddie and Adam are the worst writers on Lost, they always screw something up. I know the season finale’s one episode away, and presumably the Oceanic 6 get rescued this season and thanks to Rose’s foreshadowing, ah cheers, now we know there’ll be a rescue attempt the next day. Spoilers! To be fair, though they wrote 6 episodes in 8 weeks whilst doing all sorts of stuff. I guess they were just badly rushed. Crikey, let’s get back to the point. Rose reckons there’s trouble afoot (what a bizarre word), people don’t get ill on the island, they get better. Except Ben, who had a tumour suddenly. Yeah Rose, there’s no point bringing attention to the bizarre circumstances of Jack’s illness as that definitely won’t get explained as all it is is just a stupid plot device to create tension with Kate and Juliet over Jack. Boring.
Juliet is shaving Jack’s chest. The last time she did an appendectomy was in her residency. Jack decides he wants to be awake during the surgery. Juliet doesn’t think that’s logistically possible, but he doesn’t care. Use a mirror if you have to, oh and er, I fancy Kate at the moment, get her to hold it.
FLASHFORWARD to Jack in his stride at St Sebastian's. He glimpses Christian Shepherd. Before he can confront him, an annoying colleague, who played Hawkins’ wife in Jericho Santa Rosa
Cut to Jack walking along the corridor at the Mental Home. Dr Stillman tells him that ‘he’ is refusing to take his meds and has stopped sleeping. Therapy has been rendered useless because the patient doesn’t think the Doctor exists. Here I was hoping that as they weren’t revealing the patient’s name it would be John Locke, under an assumed name, sat there saying over and over ‘I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong’ Instead it’s mega-anti-climatic as it’s just Hurley. Booo! Jack asks him why he’s stopped taking his meds. Hurley says it’s because they are dead. All of the Oceanic 6 are dead and never got off the island. Now if someone starts believing these words I’m going to slap them. If they were dead, why would Sayid work for Ben? Jack says that isn’t true. Well played. Hurley asks Jack what he did today. Jack woke up, showered, fed the baby. Hurley interrupts to say, hang on, I thought you didn’t fancy her. 
Jack says he changed his mind after the trial. Hurley thinks this over and decides Jack’s life is too good to be true. Just like heaven. Jack says that just because he’s happy doesn’t mean that it’s not real. Hurley says that he was happy until he started seeing things that weren’t there. Like Charlie. Jack asks what they talk about. Hurley says that Charlie said that Jack would visit him today. Impressive. Even more impressive is the message that Charlie made Hurley write down for when he came. Hurley pulls open his drawer and takes it out. It says ‘You’re not supposed to raise him, Jack’ Jack reacts badly to this and screws up his face and begins pacing the room. Who is ‘him’?? What do they mean by ‘raise’?? My first take on this is that Jack had been trying to raise Christian from the dead, but common sense and Richard Malkin’s palm reading says ‘raise’ means ‘nurture’ and ‘him’ means ‘Aaron’ Ugh, him is not a good choice of noun, it’s a pronoun. It only works after the noun being referred to has been mentioned. Jeez! Jack says it doesn’t make any sense, but his body language says it does. Hurley asks if Charlie means Aaron. Aah wicked, he picked up on the ambiguity. You know what, Hurley, why the FUCK didn’t you ask him when he made you write it???? FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!! UGH!! Jack tells Hurley to take his meds. Jack looks terrified as he says it. Jack makes to leave, but as he does, Hurley warns him that Charlie said someone’s going to be visiting him, too. SOON.
The volunteers find the Staff station and open it. Charlotte Charlotte 
Sun and Jin wonder aloud if Charlotte Charlotte Charlotte 
Wait a minute? Charlotte Tunisia Charlotte Charlotte Charlotte
In the forest, Claire stumbles and Miles offers to help. This sets Sawyer off. Yeah, I didn’t see YOU offering to help, JAMES. They hear something and Sawyer cocks his weapon[sic]. It’s just harmless old Lapidus with a first aid kit. He warns them all that Keamy’s coming back and they need to hide – NOW! They do, and Frank stays out in the open. The soldiers arrive. One is badly injured, and yes, that wanker Keamy’s there. I hate the name Keamy. First it doesn’t register on spell check, and second it sounds almost appetising, like creamy. How is this knob not dead, what does Smokie have to do? Aaron hiccups, attracting the attention of, oh, everybody. 
Frank grows anxious and tries to cajole them all to getting back to the helicopter. After a really well directed (and written [I guess]) bit of tension, Keamy decides to go back to the helicopter. We breathe a sigh of relief. If Hurley doesn’t ride over him in the Dharma van, I’m quitting this show.
Back on the bee-yotch, Juliet asks Kate to help with the surgery. Jack bustles out of the tent stupidly. Kate helps him to the operating tent, which I didn’t even know they had. Kate says it looks like he’s going to have her as his nurse and he laughs. I’m serious. He must have farted or something because it was not funny. I’m losing a lot of interest in this episode and I’m hoping Jack dies, because that will be the ultimate mindfuck and people will be wondering how he could possibly be alive in the flashforwards.
Speaking of which, FLASHFORWARD to Jack sitting sullenly in his car. He gets home and wakes a slumbering Kate from her…slumber. She asks Jack what’s wrong. He says that he is bothered by how Kate described him as a natural, reading to Aaron. He asks her if she honestly thinks he is good at this. She does. Jack proposes to her. Didn’t see that coming. I’m really surprised, actually. Kate says yes. But it’s not going to end well…
The Staff volunteers return with all the supplies and Juliet goes into action. Jin pulls Charlotte Charlotte
In the operating tent, Juliet is preparing, and Bernard recommends Jack be knocked out. Jack says he’ll be fine. Kate is there to hold the mirror so Jack can see Bernard injecting him. Juliet cuts him open. Jack winces 
He starts getting stressed which visibly irritates Juliet. This wasn’t her stupid idea. He worries that he can’t see and Juliet says forget about the mirror, he’s lying open bleeding at the moment! Jack gets even more distressed and Juliet gives Bernard the OK to knock Jack out. The dialogue goes: ‘Kate’ ‘Kate, you need to leave, Bernard’ ‘Kate’ ‘Kate, you need to go, Bernard! Kate, get out of here! Bernard!’ ‘Jack’ ‘Kate, Kate! Get out of here! BERNARD DAMMIT!’ ‘Jack!!’ Eventually Jack goes unconscious and
FLASHFORWARDS to him on his late night, recording his diction in a Dictaphone, when there’s an irritating beeping. Here I thought, omg, Christian Shepherds going to appear and talk to Jack, then Jack will listen to the tape and hear Christian and the episode will be hailed as awesome, but no, he turns it off and then stops the smoke detector beeping. Then Christian calls out Jack’s name. Jack slowly walks over to Christian. Walk faster, dammit, it’s only a matter of time before you’re interrupted by a stupid annoying colleague. Christian sits forward to speak to Jack. Then they’re interrupted by a stupid annoying colleague. Jack looks back at where Christian was sitting but it’s empty. Jack breaks down and the annoying colleague just watches. Jack stutters and murmurs, looking really bad. Then if he couldn’t make things any worse, he cries. The colleague, Erica rolls her eyes and makes to leave, but Jack asks her for a prescription of Clonazepam (unsure of the spelling). Ohhhhh So It Begins INDEED. Erica writes him one. She advises him to talk to someone and Jack says he will (lying)
Jack comes home to hear his fiancé say ‘I’ll just get the nanny to stay a few hours…Jack’s never home before 8 anyway…I can stay for at least an hour’ Jack jangles his keys – IDIOT. Kate quickly hangs up and says that Jack scared her. Wow, Kate you are making a great job of looking innocent so far. Then she turns around. Well I’m sold – I love you Katherine Ann Austen-Shephard
Jack asks who was it. Kate says pours water in a glass and says it was Noreen. A name Jack’s never heard of. Kate looks at the fridge and says that Noreen is one of the mothers at the Day Care Centre. She asks him what’s wrong. Jack says: 
Kate goes off to the bedroom and Jack looks miserable. Then he goes to the fridge and pours himself a glass. Then his eyes go round and he drops the glass dramatically. The glass breaks in slow motion and the camera does an extreme close up of the manufacturers print on the bottom of the glass: Noreen Glassblowers. They cut to Jack’s face looking shocked and then something amidst the scattered papers on the fridge catches his eye. A paper from The Day Care Centre. Jack frantically runs upstairs to find that Kate has made off with all his possessions and all this time was using a fake name and she turned out to be the Keyser Soze behind the curtain. Unfortunately, none of this happens. This episode keeps disappointing me over and over again. Jack scoffs his pills with a beer.
In the forest by the dangerously vigorous campfire, Claire awakes to find Aaron missing. But it’s ok, he’s being rocked by Christian Shepherd. Wow, he’s all over the place. Claire simply asks ‘Dad?’
Kate is pouting miserably outside the tent. Bernard comes out to console her, saying everything’s fine and she can go in. She does. Juliet is stitching Jack back up. Juliet classily apologises for yelling, then admits Jack kissed her. She asserts that it wasn’t meant for her, it was meant to prove to Jack that he loved someone else. Kate thanks her and leaves. Juliet curtly tells Jack that she knows he’s awake, and Jack play acts that he just woke up.
FLASHFORWARD to Jack sitting in Kate’s armchair, miserably. Kate arrives and they greet each other. From the bottles on the table, we can see Jack is very drunk. Kate wants to know what's up with Jack. Jack says that he went to see Hurley. Kate is surprised, Jack should have told her and she would have come. Jack laughs (for some reason) and tells her that Hurley is crazy and he would have upset her. Probably say something like ‘You’re not supposed to raise him, Kate’. Jack asks her where she was. She asks him to trust her. Why would he? He asks her again. She tells him to ‘don’t’. He wants to know who she was on the phone to last night. She tells him to just let it go. Never say that to Jack, mate, that’s a red rag to a bull. Jack says to wants to know. ‘TELL ME!’ he shouts. She says that she was doing something for him. For who? For Sawyer. Jack looks confused. Kate says something, and after rewatching 4 times it seems she said that she made him a promise. Jack looks very confused and says ‘what?’ Kate says it doesn’t matter and it has nothing to do with them as a couple. Jack then asks why she won’t tell him, and she says that Sawyer wouldn’t want her to. Jack points out that Sawyer isn’t here, Sawyer chose to stay, Jack’s the one who came back, the one who’s here, the one who saved her (as he may be listing these feats in chronological order, he is probably referring to saving her from a life in prison, rather than to an as yet unseen tribulation where Kate requires saving on the island. Then again, Jack’s saved Kate’s ass more times than Sawyer’s tapped it, so…) Kate has a random halo over her head 
Kate tells Jack he can’t do this, and he has problems he needs to figure out, because it’s not good for her son. And thank god for Jack as he says ‘Your son?? You’re not even related to him!!!’ (He leaves out the bit where he says ‘and I am!’) This happy moment is disturbed by Aaron, who has is wide awake and obscuring his face with a killer whale so there is an opportunity for him to be played by another actor when the current one is too old. Jack looks heartbroken and leaves humiliated. 
Sawyer wakes up in the forest. Miles wishes him a good morning and Sawyer says it’s way too early for Chinese. Erm, Sawyer, you killed Anthony Cooper, now you don’t have to be a knob anymore. He sees that Claire is gone, probably going for a wee…with her child, get a brain, Sawyer. Miles says that Claire just walked off into the jungle. Sawyer looks shaken. He asks when, and Miles tells him in the middle of the night. Sawyer criticises him for letting her go alone. Miles tells him that she wasn’t alone, she was with a guy named Christian Shephard. Jack’s dad? Sawyer asks. That’s odd, says Miles, she called him Dad too. Then BANG end of episode. But none of that happens, which would have been AWESOME, Miles only refers to Christian as her dad. Miles smartly tries to say he would have followed them, but Sawyer told him not to go near her. Not the time to be smart, Miles. Sawyer is about to shoot him, but he hears the comforting sound of Aaron crying. He runs towards it and finds Aaron stashed at the bottom of the tree. He picks him up and starts shouting for the spookily absent Claire.
LOST
Grading: C+
Interesting points raised: Jack doesn’t have a scar from the appendectomy in the future. Was that just a stupid mistake because the second half of the season has been rushed? Or it is like some deliberate thingy set up so they can show proof that travelling from the island can make your body revert to a younger shape
Perhaps this episode is clueing us up to what happens in the future, we won’t see Claire until season 5 as Sawyer bears Aaron up to the beach, and Kate takes over as surrogate and takes him off the island. Sawyer chooses to stay and find Claire. We now have a good idea why Jack is how he is in the series 3 flashforward.
The cast list for next week looks awesome. That is the only spoiler I’ve allowed myself to read, and Dickie Alpers, Creepy-Eyes Abbadon, Hozzaz Nicepace, and Jack’s dad are all in the episode
Other than that, there isn’t very much to discuss, so discuss other matters like why does Hugo refuse to explain why he’s called Hurley? What did Eko mean by ‘worse’ when Jin asked if he was married, where the hell’s the Hurley bird?
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