Lost – 4.10 – Something Nice Back Home Recap By McLeron

Previously on Lost: Nothing happened.

Open on a closed eye, which opens. A very similar opening to Eggtown, except here, we actually have something better to wake up to than two eggs and a melon. What could be better than two eggs and a melon I hear you ask? Why, two eggs and two melons of course! Juliet and her two melons bounce pendulously which gets a rise out of Jack, the owner of the eye. Bad choice of phrasing there, I guess. Outside Jack’s tent, there is a hubbub/furore/fracas/ruckus (not sure about the difference between them). Group B are ganging up on Charlotte and Daniel, Rose givin’ all her Bronx sass, Jin not doing much. )

Jack tells ’em to calm down, he knows Charlotte and Daniel are lying, but sooner or later, someone will come to pick them up. Sun says smartly that there a situation may arise where Charlotte and Daniel run off again, and I’m like, what do you want Jack to do, Sun, what do you want him to do? Just shut up and listen to him, alright? What’s he supposed to do, send their little piggies to market? No, he’s going to ignore how a doctor is dead on the island but still alive on the freighter, because that’s all nonsense, and he has a degree and he’s better than that. I hate Sun. How has she survived so long? To reassure everyone, Jack makes a nervous speech ‘I said I was gonna get us of this island, all of us, I promised that I would’ Umm, you should see your flashforwards, mate. Then he collapses to the ground dying.

FLASH(SOMETHING) to Jack bare-chested in bed, and I mean bare. He used to own a Austin Powers like blanket of chest hair, and now he’s clean as a fiddle, he doesn’t even have any, like, scars around his stomach area, so it’s good to know he hasn’t been shot or maimed or anything. The phone rings. It’s his office, switching dates. Jack gets out of bed, and wraps a towel around his lower body, and picks up some red cobwebby knickers. Nice. Little did he realise that he would wear those for the 4 months he spends on the island. He stashes them in a drawer for later. He comes down the stairs, and I’m like, I know those stairs! If you’ve watched the ending of Eggtown as much as I have, you’d know. So we’re in a flashforward. Jack trips on Aaron’s toy Millennium Falcon, muttering ‘sonofabitch’ (way too much time with Sawyer), does the dishes (which as he is a man, consists of placing them gingerly in a sink), makes coffee, and checks the paper, presumably yesterdays. It has bad news, the Red Sox have been ‘bludgeoned’ (what’s a bludgeon, a noun or a verb?) by Lapidus’ team, the Yankees. He goes to the bathroom where Kate is showering. She says she brought him a razor. HA! How ironic! For two reasons, can you guess them? Hairy-Arms Kate gets out of the shower all wet and snogs Jack.

LOST

Jack is reading Alice in Wonderland to Aaron. Kate pervs on them. Aaron nods off so they leave. DAMN Kate looks hott! She’s wearing Jack’s huge shirt and disappointingly, some underwear. Kate says Jack’s sweet. Uh uh, lady, you’re the one who’s sweet. Jack mentions his dad used to read it to him. Kate says it’s nice to hear him say something nice about his dad. Jack is surprised he doesn’t say nice things about his dad. Mate, I’ve watched the show for three years now, I’ve only ever seen you mention your dad to Sawyer and Michael. Jack says his dad was one good story teller. Is that meant to be foreshadowing? Or is it backshadowing because we’re in the future? Though technically the past. He asks Kate if she’s ok. She says she just loves seeing Jack with Aaron, and he’s glad he changed his mind to come live with them. Jack predictably says ‘me too’. They start to make out, and omg, Juliet might have to replaced as hottest from behind of the week winner as Kate looks stunning.

Although she’s technically hot from the side. She straddles him, like how she did with her fiancé in her marriage episode, and like then, the man carries her off and she giggles. History repeats itself!

Back on the island, Juliet is being a great replacement Jack, being very calm and cool. Jack tries to lunge forward, but collapses again. Kate arrives concerned. Jack says he’s just dehydrated, but Kate knows better. Jack says he’s fine and soldiers on.

Sawyer, Claire, and Miles are making for the beach with baby in tow. Claire lets it slip that she’s been seeing things. Miles stops walking because he’s hearing echoes of the past. He asks who is Danielle and Karl. Aaw man, this ep was written by Eddie and Adam, my least favourite Lost writers. Where’s a Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof written episode?? They always write earth shattering episodes, like The Brig, and The Constant. 3 out of my top 5 Lost eps are written by them. Miles uncovers Danielle and Karl’s bodies. It upsets them all. Sawyer asks if Miles ‘buddies’ did this, and Miles nervously states that whatever he signed up for, this wasn’t part of it, and they are not his buddies. Claire gets really upset, and who can blame her, Rousseau and Alex saved her life once. Sawyer calms her down, and they leave.

At the beach, Juliet wants to check up on Jack. Jack reckons it’s food poisoning because of his symptoms. Juliet wants Jack to take off his shirt. Well, who doesn’t? Jack reluctantly does so, and Juliet's suspicions that it’s his appendix are confirmed. Juliet says they will have to remove it.

Juliet asks Sun to get supplies from the Staff if she can remember the way. Sun remembers. Juliet makes a list of the supplies but Sun is a lay person, she doesn’t know what a suture is, or even how to spell it. Daniel says he can help, but nobody trusts him. Jin says his second line of the episode ‘No’ making a grand total of 4 letters. Charlotte smugly says she told Daniel so. Daniel feels like he has hit the nail on the head and says that her attitude and manner is exactly why no one trusts them, and alienates them. Yeah, Charlotte was all sunshine and haribo before she got shot twice by Ben. Daniel convinces Juliet that he and Charlotte are scientists, and they don’t want anyone to get hurt – which is why Charlotte was going to bash Juliet’s head in with that wrench in 4.06. Juliet is sold, but just in case, she gets out Tom’s gun and gives in to Jin telling him to shoot them in the leg if they run. Yeah, Jin doesn’t speak English, he probably thinks you said ‘Shoot hen in the egg’ or something. Jules tells them to hurry.

Then she tells the rest of Group B to make a sterile environment. I hope she’s leader when Jack’s gone, she’s just like him, but slightly more relatable and approachable. She’s a doctor. She walks among them but is not one of them. Her flashbacks are interesting. Yeah, she’s a wicked leader. Kate asks why they don’t take Jack to the medical station if everything’s there, slightly echoing the gayest line in Lost history – Jack: We shouldn’t bring the water to the people *pause for effect* we should bring the people to the water. LAAAAAAME!!! Juliet doesn’t want to panic Kate or anything, but if she does that, Jack will DIE.

Charlie watches over Claire, oh no it’s Miles. Claire is rocking Aaron to sleep. Sawyer barges over and tell Miles not even to think about it. Miles and I say ‘think about what?’ Sawyer says to not even look at her. Josh Holloway is really funny in this scene, and tells Miles he has a restraining order.

Miles asks him, in a dramatic ironic style if he’s Claire’s big brother. It’s not the time to make jokes, as Sawyer threatens him.

Rose and Bernard are making a sterile environment. Bernard reassures Rose that Jack will be ok, an appendectomy is harder to say with a mouth full of mushrooms than perform on a beach. Rose says that she wasn’t thinking about that, she was worried WHY he got sick. Perhaps it’s because cellulose isn’t such a big part of our diet anymore. Bernard reckons its bad luck. The day before we’re supposed to get rescued? Says Rose. Now hold the phone, who said they were getting rescued tomorrow? This is the first I’ve heard about it all season. UGH!!! Eddie and Adam are the worst writers on Lost, they always screw something up. I know the season finale’s one episode away, and presumably the Oceanic 6 get rescued this season and thanks to Rose’s foreshadowing, ah cheers, now we know there’ll be a rescue attempt the next day. Spoilers! To be fair, though they wrote 6 episodes in 8 weeks whilst doing all sorts of stuff. I guess they were just badly rushed. Crikey, let’s get back to the point. Rose reckons there’s trouble afoot (what a bizarre word), people don’t get ill on the island, they get better. Except Ben, who had a tumour suddenly. Yeah Rose, there’s no point bringing attention to the bizarre circumstances of Jack’s illness as that definitely won’t get explained as all it is is just a stupid plot device to create tension with Kate and Juliet over Jack. Boring.

Juliet is shaving Jack’s chest. The last time she did an appendectomy was in her residency. Jack decides he wants to be awake during the surgery. Juliet doesn’t think that’s logistically possible, but he doesn’t care. Use a mirror if you have to, oh and er, I fancy Kate at the moment, get her to hold it.

FLASHFORWARD to Jack in his stride at St Sebastian's. He glimpses Christian Shepherd. Before he can confront him, an annoying colleague, who played Hawkins’ wife in Jericho, pesters him for some signatures or whatnot. Before they can disappear and make sweet *sweet* love on the operating table, or alternatively and most likely continue their discussion, they are interrupted by another employee, saying Dr Stillman is on hold for Jack. His friend at Santa Rosa is in need of visitation.

Cut to Jack walking along the corridor at the Mental Home. Dr Stillman tells him that ‘he’ is refusing to take his meds and has stopped sleeping. Therapy has been rendered useless because the patient doesn’t think the Doctor exists. Here I was hoping that as they weren’t revealing the patient’s name it would be John Locke, under an assumed name, sat there saying over and over ‘I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong’ Instead it’s mega-anti-climatic as it’s just Hurley. Booo! Jack asks him why he’s stopped taking his meds. Hurley says it’s because they are dead. All of the Oceanic 6 are dead and never got off the island. Now if someone starts believing these words I’m going to slap them. If they were dead, why would Sayid work for Ben? Jack says that isn’t true. Well played. Hurley asks Jack what he did today. Jack woke up, showered, fed the baby. Hurley interrupts to say, hang on, I thought you didn’t fancy her.

Jack says he changed his mind after the trial. Hurley thinks this over and decides Jack’s life is too good to be true. Just like heaven. Jack says that just because he’s happy doesn’t mean that it’s not real. Hurley says that he was happy until he started seeing things that weren’t there. Like Charlie. Jack asks what they talk about. Hurley says that Charlie said that Jack would visit him today. Impressive. Even more impressive is the message that Charlie made Hurley write down for when he came. Hurley pulls open his drawer and takes it out. It says ‘You’re not supposed to raise him, Jack’ Jack reacts badly to this and screws up his face and begins pacing the room. Who is ‘him’?? What do they mean by ‘raise’?? My first take on this is that Jack had been trying to raise Christian from the dead, but common sense and Richard Malkin’s palm reading says ‘raise’ means ‘nurture’ and ‘him’ means ‘Aaron’ Ugh, him is not a good choice of noun, it’s a pronoun. It only works after the noun being referred to has been mentioned. Jeez! Jack says it doesn’t make any sense, but his body language says it does. Hurley asks if Charlie means Aaron. Aah wicked, he picked up on the ambiguity. You know what, Hurley, why the FUCK didn’t you ask him when he made you write it???? FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!! UGH!! Jack tells Hurley to take his meds. Jack looks terrified as he says it. Jack makes to leave, but as he does, Hurley warns him that Charlie said someone’s going to be visiting him, too. SOON.

The volunteers find the Staff station and open it. Charlotte strides in confidently, but is waylaid (my, my phrasing gets stranger by the paragraph) by Daniel who chivalrously volunteers to go ahead of her, in case of dragons or rancors. Stunned by this kindness, Charlotte lets him.

Sun and Jin wonder aloud if Charlotte knows Daniel fancies her. They agree that Charlotte does know. Wow, what a tease. Charlotte flicks her head towards them in a blink and you miss it smile, which by the looks of Jin’s perturbed face, he picked up on.

Wait a minute? Charlotte speaks Korean? She doesn’t understand basic French after working in Tunisia, but comprehends Korean somehow. All linguists can understand a bit of French. The enter the secret room. Daniel wonders aloud where all the powers coming from. Charlotte says that’s another one for the list. Sun reminisces about the baby machine that told her she was going to die because Jin couldn’t resist those urges. No offence to Yunjin Kim, but I wouldn’t have had any trouble, there’s plenty of other island poontang to go around. Sun warns Jin that Charlotte and Daniel aren’t going to help them. Then the stupid subtitles obscure Charlotte’s nice arse. Jin calms Sun down and Charlotte earwigs them.

In the forest, Claire stumbles and Miles offers to help. This sets Sawyer off. Yeah, I didn’t see YOU offering to help, JAMES. They hear something and Sawyer cocks his weapon[sic]. It’s just harmless old Lapidus with a first aid kit. He warns them all that Keamy’s coming back and they need to hide – NOW! They do, and Frank stays out in the open. The soldiers arrive. One is badly injured, and yes, that wanker Keamy’s there. I hate the name Keamy. First it doesn’t register on spell check, and second it sounds almost appetising, like creamy. How is this knob not dead, what does Smokie have to do? Aaron hiccups, attracting the attention of, oh, everybody.

Frank grows anxious and tries to cajole them all to getting back to the helicopter. After a really well directed (and written [I guess]) bit of tension, Keamy decides to go back to the helicopter. We breathe a sigh of relief. If Hurley doesn’t ride over him in the Dharma van, I’m quitting this show.

Back on the bee-yotch, Juliet asks Kate to help with the surgery. Jack bustles out of the tent stupidly. Kate helps him to the operating tent, which I didn’t even know they had. Kate says it looks like he’s going to have her as his nurse and he laughs. I’m serious. He must have farted or something because it was not funny. I’m losing a lot of interest in this episode and I’m hoping Jack dies, because that will be the ultimate mindfuck and people will be wondering how he could possibly be alive in the flashforwards.

Speaking of which, FLASHFORWARD to Jack sitting sullenly in his car. He gets home and wakes a slumbering Kate from her…slumber. She asks Jack what’s wrong. He says that he is bothered by how Kate described him as a natural, reading to Aaron. He asks her if she honestly thinks he is good at this. She does. Jack proposes to her. Didn’t see that coming. I’m really surprised, actually. Kate says yes. But it’s not going to end well…

The Staff volunteers return with all the supplies and Juliet goes into action. Jin pulls Charlotte aside. He speaks to her in Korean and she acts like she can’t understand. Jin tells her that if she continues to lie he will break Daniel’s fingers one by one. She starts talking in Korean. He makes her promise that she will take Sun, at any or every cost. Sun has to be on the helicopter. Charlotte kinda says yes.

In the operating tent, Juliet is preparing, and Bernard recommends Jack be knocked out. Jack says he’ll be fine. Kate is there to hold the mirror so Jack can see Bernard injecting him. Juliet cuts him open. Jack winces

He starts getting stressed which visibly irritates Juliet. This wasn’t her stupid idea. He worries that he can’t see and Juliet says forget about the mirror, he’s lying open bleeding at the moment! Jack gets even more distressed and Juliet gives Bernard the OK to knock Jack out. The dialogue goes: ‘Kate’ ‘Kate, you need to leave, Bernard’ ‘Kate’ ‘Kate, you need to go, Bernard! Kate, get out of here! Bernard!’ ‘Jack’ ‘Kate, Kate! Get out of here! BERNARD DAMMIT!’ ‘Jack!!’ Eventually Jack goes unconscious and

FLASHFORWARDS to him on his late night, recording his diction in a Dictaphone, when there’s an irritating beeping. Here I thought, omg, Christian Shepherds going to appear and talk to Jack, then Jack will listen to the tape and hear Christian and the episode will be hailed as awesome, but no, he turns it off and then stops the smoke detector beeping. Then Christian calls out Jack’s name. Jack slowly walks over to Christian. Walk faster, dammit, it’s only a matter of time before you’re interrupted by a stupid annoying colleague. Christian sits forward to speak to Jack. Then they’re interrupted by a stupid annoying colleague. Jack looks back at where Christian was sitting but it’s empty. Jack breaks down and the annoying colleague just watches. Jack stutters and murmurs, looking really bad. Then if he couldn’t make things any worse, he cries. The colleague, Erica rolls her eyes and makes to leave, but Jack asks her for a prescription of Clonazepam (unsure of the spelling). Ohhhhh So It Begins INDEED. Erica writes him one. She advises him to talk to someone and Jack says he will (lying)

Jack comes home to hear his fiancé say ‘I’ll just get the nanny to stay a few hours…Jack’s never home before 8 anyway…I can stay for at least an hour’ Jack jangles his keys – IDIOT. Kate quickly hangs up and says that Jack scared her. Wow, Kate you are making a great job of looking innocent so far. Then she turns around. Well I’m sold – I love you Katherine Ann Austen-Shephard

Jack asks who was it. Kate says pours water in a glass and says it was Noreen. A name Jack’s never heard of. Kate looks at the fridge and says that Noreen is one of the mothers at the Day Care Centre. She asks him what’s wrong. Jack says:

Kate goes off to the bedroom and Jack looks miserable. Then he goes to the fridge and pours himself a glass. Then his eyes go round and he drops the glass dramatically. The glass breaks in slow motion and the camera does an extreme close up of the manufacturers print on the bottom of the glass: Noreen Glassblowers. They cut to Jack’s face looking shocked and then something amidst the scattered papers on the fridge catches his eye. A paper from The Day Care Centre. Jack frantically runs upstairs to find that Kate has made off with all his possessions and all this time was using a fake name and she turned out to be the Keyser Soze behind the curtain. Unfortunately, none of this happens. This episode keeps disappointing me over and over again. Jack scoffs his pills with a beer.

In the forest by the dangerously vigorous campfire, Claire awakes to find Aaron missing. But it’s ok, he’s being rocked by Christian Shepherd. Wow, he’s all over the place. Claire simply asks ‘Dad?’

Kate is pouting miserably outside the tent. Bernard comes out to console her, saying everything’s fine and she can go in. She does. Juliet is stitching Jack back up. Juliet classily apologises for yelling, then admits Jack kissed her. She asserts that it wasn’t meant for her, it was meant to prove to Jack that he loved someone else. Kate thanks her and leaves. Juliet curtly tells Jack that she knows he’s awake, and Jack play acts that he just woke up.

FLASHFORWARD to Jack sitting in Kate’s armchair, miserably. Kate arrives and they greet each other. From the bottles on the table, we can see Jack is very drunk. Kate wants to know what's up with Jack. Jack says that he went to see Hurley. Kate is surprised, Jack should have told her and she would have come. Jack laughs (for some reason) and tells her that Hurley is crazy and he would have upset her. Probably say something like ‘You’re not supposed to raise him, Kate’. Jack asks her where she was. She asks him to trust her. Why would he? He asks her again. She tells him to ‘don’t’. He wants to know who she was on the phone to last night. She tells him to just let it go. Never say that to Jack, mate, that’s a red rag to a bull. Jack says to wants to know. ‘TELL ME!’ he shouts. She says that she was doing something for him. For who? For Sawyer. Jack looks confused. Kate says something, and after rewatching 4 times it seems she said that she made him a promise. Jack looks very confused and says ‘what?’ Kate says it doesn’t matter and it has nothing to do with them as a couple. Jack then asks why she won’t tell him, and she says that Sawyer wouldn’t want her to. Jack points out that Sawyer isn’t here, Sawyer chose to stay, Jack’s the one who came back, the one who’s here, the one who saved her (as he may be listing these feats in chronological order, he is probably referring to saving her from a life in prison, rather than to an as yet unseen tribulation where Kate requires saving on the island. Then again, Jack’s saved Kate’s ass more times than Sawyer’s tapped it, so…) Kate has a random halo over her head

Kate tells Jack he can’t do this, and he has problems he needs to figure out, because it’s not good for her son. And thank god for Jack as he says ‘Your son?? You’re not even related to him!!!’ (He leaves out the bit where he says ‘and I am!’) This happy moment is disturbed by Aaron, who has is wide awake and obscuring his face with a killer whale so there is an opportunity for him to be played by another actor when the current one is too old. Jack looks heartbroken and leaves humiliated.

Sawyer wakes up in the forest. Miles wishes him a good morning and Sawyer says it’s way too early for Chinese. Erm, Sawyer, you killed Anthony Cooper, now you don’t have to be a knob anymore. He sees that Claire is gone, probably going for a wee…with her child, get a brain, Sawyer. Miles says that Claire just walked off into the jungle. Sawyer looks shaken. He asks when, and Miles tells him in the middle of the night. Sawyer criticises him for letting her go alone. Miles tells him that she wasn’t alone, she was with a guy named Christian Shephard. Jack’s dad? Sawyer asks. That’s odd, says Miles, she called him Dad too. Then BANG end of episode. But none of that happens, which would have been AWESOME, Miles only refers to Christian as her dad. Miles smartly tries to say he would have followed them, but Sawyer told him not to go near her. Not the time to be smart, Miles. Sawyer is about to shoot him, but he hears the comforting sound of Aaron crying. He runs towards it and finds Aaron stashed at the bottom of the tree. He picks him up and starts shouting for the spookily absent Claire.

LOST

Grading: C+

Interesting points raised: Jack doesn’t have a scar from the appendectomy in the future. Was that just a stupid mistake because the second half of the season has been rushed? Or it is like some deliberate thingy set up so they can show proof that travelling from the island can make your body revert to a younger shape

Perhaps this episode is clueing us up to what happens in the future, we won’t see Claire until season 5 as Sawyer bears Aaron up to the beach, and Kate takes over as surrogate and takes him off the island. Sawyer chooses to stay and find Claire. We now have a good idea why Jack is how he is in the series 3 flashforward.

The cast list for next week looks awesome. That is the only spoiler I’ve allowed myself to read, and Dickie Alpers, Creepy-Eyes Abbadon, Hozzaz Nicepace, and Jack’s dad are all in the episode

Other than that, there isn’t very much to discuss, so discuss other matters like why does Hugo refuse to explain why he’s called Hurley? What did Eko mean by ‘worse’ when Jin asked if he was married, where the hell’s the Hurley bird?

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Six

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Six

SCENE 1: THE REMAINING CAST LUCKY ENOUGH TO STILL BE IN POSSESSION OF THEIR LIVES ARE STANDING AWKWARDLY IN WOMENS IN FRONT OF THE STAIRS, BAR SHAFA WHO REMAINS IN SOFT SLUMBER IN THE STAFFROOM. THIS LEAVES ISIS, ANA, KHUS, BLAKE, LAUREN, SHABANA, MARIGOLD, RAMSEY, IBRAHIM, PARDEEP, OSCAR, DOREEN, AND DOMINIK

KHUS: I have the fortunate news that I know the identity of the killer, and yes, before you ask, the guilty one is among us.

EVERYONE LOOKS SURPRISED AND GASPS.

SCREEN SUDDENLY GOES BLACK WITH A PRETENTIOUS QUOTE:

‘HE WHO CUTS THE FIREWOOD HEATS HIMSELF TWICE’ – LAO TZU

BLAKE STUDIES EVERYBODY’S EXPRESSION TO SEE SOME TELL TALE GUILT. IT APPEARS TO BE JUST SURPRISE.

KHUS: Yes, let that soak in…I know who you are.

PAUSE. KHUS LOOKS EVERYONE IN THE EYE, RESTING FINALLY ON ANA…THE CULPRIT.

KHUS: Ana!

ANA’S EYES WIDEN.

KHUS: You were found with amoxicillin in your locker. Are you aware that we found amoxicillin at the scene of the crime?

ANA: Um no…

KHUS: And it may interest you to know that the doctor who prescribed the antibiotic, was the very same doctor who prescribed your medication.

ANA: Well that’s just coincidence.

KHUS: Stop lying, Ana. You have been known to resent our expired store manager because of her fake exterior. I haven’t trusted you from the beginning. And I am sure it does not surprise you that we found a brown hair with flecks of light in it…Does it?? You have the next 5 minutes to come up with an explanation…Shabana!

SHABANA: ?

KHUS: I’ve had my reservations about you from day 1…which if you think about it, it is really still day 1…but there’s something about you, a bizarre mouse like ability to get yourself from point A to B without getting noticed. Ana said that you did not leave when we were all gathered around the stairs over there last night, but (OVERLY DRAMATIC PAUSE) you did leave…I noticed, and so did Blake. Isn’t that right, Blake?

BLAKE (A LA LI’L JOHN): Yeah!

KHUS: So where did you disappear to, when you silently left the floor? Let’s also not forget that, as I told Ana, we found a brown hair with lighter coloured parts on the manager’s dead body. If I’m not much mistaken, and take me to an opticians if I am, our manager’s hair is black? And does your hair not fit the description?

SHABANA: Umm…

KHUS: You have some explaining to do. I’m not finished with you, not by a long shot.

SHABANA: ?

KHUS: Pardeep

PARDEEP: What’s poppin?

KHUS: You were one of the first people to leave, to apparently ‘go to the vending machines’ I don’t trust you one jot or tickle. You go by the moniker Wasteman…

LAUREN (QUIETLY): Monica left ages ago

IBRAHIM (QUIETLY): What was that about your knickers?

RAMSEY (QUIETLY): What was that about her knockers?

MARIGOLD (QUIETLY): Who has no cars?

DOREEN (QUIETLY): Who got cussed?

OSCAR (QUIETLY): Who eats dust?

KHUS: A form of address you should be ashamed of, Pardeep. You might be operating under the pretence of being level headed, but clearly you are hiding something…Oscar!

OSCAR: Whhhaaaat, wha’you’waaaaan’?

KHUS: Well I just plain don’t like you. You were gone for an incredibly long period of time looking for Ibrahim and conveniently were still looking for him when Isis discovered her body. Let me just ask one thing: are you sorry she’s dead?

OSCAR: I’m sorry everybody is dead.

KHUS: Isis, you managed to conceal a long running relation through many angles and degrees of deception. However, I am wavering to grant you some licence as the relationship has been going on with my firm stock room friend, Blake. You lied for so long even fooling me. Admirable. Blake is convinced of your innocence, but you are a clearly an accomplished liar when you need to be.

ISIS: It’s not…

KHUS: Doreen. You did not leave the shop floor.

DOREEN: So I’m innocent?

KHUS: For now. If we turn to the guiltiest person in this mess so far, you, Dominik, you pathetic, witless, spineless, shady, backstabbing conniver of a man, you managed to steal under the noses of your fellow work mates, what’s to say you didn’t murder four people here tonight?

DOMINIK SILENTLY FUMES

KHUS: If there’s anything I hate more than a thief, it’s a murderer. Watch, you’ll go down…Marigold!

MARIGOLD: Yes?

KHUS: Consider yourself innocent. There’s absolutely no evidence to put you at the deaths of any of these people. In contrast to that, we have an overwhelming amount of evidence for you, Ibrahim.

IBRAHIM: Please not again.

KHUS: First, we have your long absence from the shop floor during the same timeframe as the murder. Second, we have you returning to the workers with blood on you. Third, you smell of gun smoke. Fourth, we have your attack on Lauren in the toilets. Fifth, the abundantly large amount of money occupying your locker. Six, no evidence of remorse over any of the deaths. Seven, ever since coming here you have displayed nought but hostility and violence, instability and substance abuse. Eight, it was well known you despised our deceased manager. Nine, Loic always stole your thunder in the stockroom.

IBRAHIM: er…

KHUS: I’m willing to discount reason number 8, as no one seems to have liked her.

IBRAHIM: You’ve lost a fucking wingnut, mate!

KHUS: Silence! You have a lot of problems Ibrahim, but I believe you when you say you did not kill anybody tonight.

IBRAHIM: Thank you! I was holding onto fucking Ramsey’s gay hand when Loic died.

KHUS: Well, interesting that you mention that, as it is clear to me that Ramsey has been concealing a secret all night, haven’t you Ramsey?

RAMSEY (GUILTILY): Umm…no…

KHUS: It’s not going to stay a secret for long. You might as well say it now. Nothing?

RAMSEY: I’ve got nothing to say.

KHUS: Well who does that leave?

ONLY LAUREN IS LEFT

KHUS: Lauren…you left the floor after being humiliated by Anis and Matt. Also you hated ‘Frumps’ because she bullied you. Does anyone else notice how everyone who annoys Lauren ends up dead? Look out Ibrahim.

LAUREN: It’s honestly not me.

KHUS: Really? It would make perfect sense to me. But shut up. Enough speculating. Let me show you who the killer is.

KHUS, WHO HAD BEEN STANDING IN FRONT OF THE JAR OF JAM, MOVES SIDEWAYS SO EVERYBODY CAN SEE IT.

LAUREN: Jam…is the killer?

SCREEN SUDDENLY GOES BLACK WITH A PRETENTIOUS QUOTE:

‘EVERY DAY I GET PEOPLE ASKING ME WHAT’S MY SECRET OF SUCCESS…AND I ALWAYS REPLY WITH THE ANSWER: JAM’ – CAB CALLOWAY

PARDEEP: He’s crazy.

KHUS: Negative, folks, the jam is not the killer. The jam belongs to the killer. Who owns the jam?

DOREEN: Del Monte?

KHUS: Someone shut her up

BLAKE: That’s Oscar’s jar of jam

EVERYBODY GASPS. OSCAR LOOKS SHOCKED HE’S BEEN FOUND OUT.

OSCAR: Fucker fuck off no way fuck you go.

KHUS: Does it not make sense? Let me explain. Oscar left the shop floor supposedly looking for Ibrahim. Ibrahim says he was in the stockroom, in actual fact he wanted to hide in the toilets and watch either Ana or Isis go, but he was too late. He milled around then returned afterwards. In that time when Oscar was looking for him, Oscar, one of the only people who knew the code to the manager’s office, opened the door and shot the manager in the face with malice. But let me not get ahead of myself. Only a weekday person would have been able to murder the visuals Ola and Emma, as they only work weekdays. Poor Margaret, was loathed by Oscar as she was shaping up to be a better supervisor than him, and Karen was going to promote her. So let me recap: he killed Margaret out of jealousy and greed. He then killed Ola and Emma, who he lived with so he could relax in solitude. I am surprised no one instantly turned to him when we found out they were murdered, as it was common knowledge the three of them lived together, surely Oscar would have mentioned something throughout the day about them not being there? No, he didn’t. And then Matt graffitied the fridge, causing everybody to be held behind. This was his perfect opportunity. He left the floor when he could, and shot the manager with a silenced pistol. Then he left off to some other area and waited for someone else to discover the body so he could act surprised. Then he went over to the body under the pretence of looking for the door keys, knowing forensic investigators would search for hairs. He left behind a single long light brown hair, and unwittingly a blob of jam he had taken from the jar when he was hiding, which Blake and I mistakenly thought was blood, when he stole the keys. Oscar, empty your pockets!

EVERYBODY LOOKS AT OSCAR EXPECTANTLY. OSCAR ANGRILY LOOKS BACK. THEN HE PULLS OUT THE DOOR KEYS. EVERYBODY GASPS.

OSCAR: I can explain…

KHUS: Oh no, I can explain. Oscar stole the keys from her body in front of everyone and pretended that there was no escape. Then he was placed upstairs by me, and when the lights blew, he withdrew his gun, wrapped it in cashmere, which is found only on the adult’s floor. I should have guessed sooner that it could only have been Lauren, Isis, Anis, or him.

MARIGOLD: But how could he see in the dark?

KHUS: Have you ever seen Oscar eat lunch? Every meal is full of beta-carotene…Carrots. The vitamin A makes one’s eyes healthy and better at seeing in the dark than usual. He shot Loic, and then Delicia who he saw was holding his hand, discarded the cashmere sweater he used to muzzle the gun, then ran back upstairs, where Anis returned from his journey to, I believe, the toilets. Then Oscar came to Blake and I and told us that Anis had gone off the floor before the blackout, which was classic misdirection, and I’m sorry to say I fell for it. In that time he discarded the gun somewhere, and he was deeply insulted by Anis, so in a rage, he stabbed Anis to death, and then everything turned to hell from there.

EVERYONE IS SHOCKED…

BLAKE: um…actually Khus, I believe you are wrong.

KHUS: Wrong? How could I possibly be wrong? Everything’s been tied up in a nice little package. It’s Oscar

BLAKE: I don’t think so.

KHUS: Why?

BLAKE: Well, you neglected to say that we found tablets for epinephrine, tamoxifen, amoxicillin and hydrogen peroxide

KHUS: And?

BLAKE: Either our store manager was a drug fiend or she had a very specific certain disease.

ANA: And what disease did she have?

BLAKE: There is a disease that targets women called McLeron’s Disease. The first symptom in women is the shakes. Next, they feel twinges in their lower extremities. Then back pain. Then anal fissures. Then the most painful death in the world, where the inside of the body expands to a size greater than the outside of your body and you corrode.

LAUREN: Death? She was going to die anyway?

BLAKE: Don’t get ahead of yourself, Lauren. She wasn’t going to die. However, she thought she was. She did display each and every one of those symptoms, but she wasn’t going to die.

SHABANA: Why not?

BLAKE: Because we are making one very big incorrect assumption. Let’s go right down to the basics…what was she?

LAUREN: A manager

BLAKE: More basic than that

LAUREN: A store manager for the retail company…

BLAKE: I said basic, you’re thinking too literally. Think laterally. What was she? I’m not asking for her job

DOREEN: She was in her late forties

BLAKE: Simpler

MARIGOLD: She was a woman

BLAKE: Snap!

KHUS: What?

BLAKE: We all made the assumption that she was a she

KHUS: We what??

SCREEN SUDDENLY GOES BLACK WITH YET ANOTHER PRETENTIOUS QUOTE:

‘SHE’S A LADY. WHOA WHOA WHOA SHE’S A LADY’ – TOM JONES

BLAKE: Yes, she certainly looked like a woman

ISIS (QUIETLY): If you squinted

BLAKE: But she had male pseudo hermaphroditism. See we all start out as girls, but we’re differentiated based on our genes…the ovaries develop into testes and drop, but about one in a hundred and fifty thousand pregnancies a foetus with an XY chromosome, a boy, develops into something else…like her, er him. His testes never descended because he was immune to testosterone, he was pure oestrogen, hence the heightened female characteristics: bossiness, bitchiness, general per-heff-ery

LAUREN: That’s impossible

BLAKE: No, it isn’t. Ask Ibrahim or Ramsey

ANA: Ah?

BLAKE: They both knew. Didn’t you?

THEY ARE SILENT

BLAKE: See as we all know, Ibrahim likes to hide out in the toilets and watch girls go. One day he had the unfortunate luck to be privy to Frumps’ privies. He saw her testicles.

LAUREN: So she knew?

BLAKE: No HE did not know that HE was a man

PARDEEP: How come?

BLAKE: Have you seen his waistline? He wouldn’t even be able to see his toes.

PARDEEP: True

BLAKE: But I digress…

LAUREN: Hang on, she must have felt it

BLAKE: I think you’re giving him too much credit. I seriously doubt he checked around there, or even washed around it

DOREEN: That’s disgusting

PARDEEP: That’s rank

LAUREN: But wait, she had a kid!

BLAKE: Seriously, if he had a kid, don’t you reckon the other parent would have come calling around now. Come on, fix up, look sharp.

ANA: She lied?

BLAKE: He lied

SHABANA: But you said she didn’t know she was a guy

BLAKE: He assumed he was a woman from her facial features and how her parents raised him…man these pronouns are starting to confuse me.

DOREEN: You’re telling me.

BLAKE: He truly believed he was a woman, but he invented the lie that he had a husband and a kid to make himself sound like he had someone loving back at home waiting for him.

LAUREN: That’s so sad

GHOST OF ANIS: And so’s yer face

BLAKE: Like I said, we’re getting off topic. Ibrahim found this out and the first person he told was Ramsey. Ramsey also has a secret.

RAMSEY: You are joking

BLAKE: Don’t protest, Ramsey. That money in Ibrahim’s locker came from you, bribing him not to tell the manager himself.

RAMSEY: Why would I do that?

BLAKE: I’ll tell you why…or maybe Ibrahim can

IBRAHIM: He blatantly loved her, it was bare bate.

BLAKE: Is it not true that when you were young, you and your parents got mauled by a bear in Canada?

RAMSEY: Yes, but I don’t see…

BLAKE: And is it not true that our dead store manager kinda looks like a bear.

ISIS: I’d say a moose

RAMSEY: Yes…it’s true…it was an unrequited love for her…him

EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM IN SHOCK

LAUREN: And you still fancied her, even when you knew she was a guy?

RAMSEY: Yes

DOMINIK: Wow…

RAMSEY: Dunno how the fuck he worked it out though.

KHUS: I’d like to know that too

BLAKE: I’m surprised no one else didn’t.

EVERYONE LOOKS EXPECTANTLY

BLAKE: Remember when we found the body? What was the first thing Matt said? It was ‘Damn, what hairy shoulders’ Women don’t have hairy shoulders. They have furry faces, necks, backs, even breasts, but a woman doesn’t have any hair on her shoulders. A man however…Khus, look at yours

KHUS: My neck doesn’t bend that way.

BLAKE: Then when I found out Ramsey had been mauled by a bear, I just pieced it all together.

PARDEEP: You got all that from that?

BLAKE: I was right, wasn’t I?

KHUS: Ok, so she was a man, very interesting, how does this absolve Oscar of his guilt?

BLAKE: The thing we have to come back to is the pills. She thought she had McLeron’s Disease, which Sabrina diagnosed her with because of her symptoms, a disease that targets WOMEN. The same symptoms in a man, is the harmless Golf Balls

LAUREN: Golf balls?

BLAKE: Similar to Tennis Elbow.

LAUREN: Oh

BLAKE: So don’t you see? She thought she was going to die, when she wasn’t! Which is why she asked someone to euthanize her.

KHUS: Which was?

BLAKE: Shafa

EVERYONE GASPS

LAUREN: SHAFA killed her? I mean him?

BLAKE: If we’re going to point fingers and say who killed her, technically Sabrina killed her by diagnosing her with McLeron’s disease. Technically Ramsey killed her by bribing Ibrahim not to tell her. Technically Ibrahim killed her by taking the bribe.

IBRAHIM: No I’m not taking that responsibility, it’s just a coincidence she came in to the toilet and I saw her testicles

BLAKE: Well, you chose to be a skeezy perv and hide there, so don’t think you’re innocent.

KHUS: Wait up, it’s not Shafa, she was here the whole time that night.

BLAKE: No, Shafa did not actually commit the act. She was approached by Frumps to do it and she could not so she confided in the man who loved her, and the sick bastard killed the manager

LAUREN: The man who loved her? Anis?

KHUS: But he’s dead

BLAKE: The reason it’s called a triangle is because it has three sides. We’ve got Shafa and Anis. That makes two. I think we all know number three

EVERYBODY LOOKS AT KHUS. KHUS LOOKS SHOCKED

BLAKE: Khus shot the manager, so Shafa would love him. However, on seeing what this psychopath could do, she fainted and has not come out of her reverie.

SHABANA: All this time…Shafa knew?

BLAKE: To be fair, all this time, Shafa’s been unconscious.

LAUREN: This is so weird!

BLAKE: Khus killed Frumps then shot Delicia and Loic to divert people from trying to solve the mysteries themselves. In doing so he managed to rid the two strongest people in the store, create a panic and shoulder the blame onto his greatest irritation: Anis.

IBRAHIM: Wait, so if Anis was his scapegoat, then why did he kill him straight away?

BLAKE: I thought I covered this, didn’t I say someone loved Frumps?

IBRAHIM: Yes, but…

BLAKE: Khus uses guns. Anis was stabbed. This poor innocent man was murdered because Khus told everybody Anis was the killer, and the one sad git who loved our manager then sought revenge.

EVERYONE, EVEN KHUS, TURNS THEIR HEAD TO LOOK AT RAMSEY AGAIN.

MARIGOLD: You…killed Anis?

LAUREN: Which then meant Matt killed himself, then David killed himself

ANA: Techically you killed David.

LAUREN: Shut up, Ana

DOREEN: Sorry this is too much. I don’t even know who the killer is anymore

BLAKE: Oh without a doubt the true killer is Khus and don’t anybody forget it. Ramsey was manipulated by the propaganda propagated by Khus to kill Anis. The only thing I haven’t worked out is why Khus said he had solved the case and ended up blaming Oscar. Why Oscar?

KHUS (SPITTING) Because I’ve been here for 8 years like clockwork, and Oscar was here 5 minutes and got made a supervisor. That’s why Margaret got killed too.

EVERYONE IS SHOCKED

MARIGOLD: And the visuals?

KHUS: You sales associates are too busy getting ridden by customers to realise the ongoing war between visuals and stock

BLAKE: Well, that’s true, if Loic was here he’d back me up

GHOST OF LOIC: Truesay

ANA: Wait, so why did Oscar steal the door keys trapping us here

BLAKE: Oscar?

OSCAR: I…(BRINGS HIMSELF TO SAY IT) wanted to spend some time with Doreen

DOREEN: Aaaaaaawww

SHE HUGS HIM

KHUS: But, Blake, Occam’s Razor…

BLAKE: Ah Occam’s Razor is a crock of shit, you know, I’m surprised no one didn’t suspect Khus instantly

ANA: That’s easy for you to say

MARIGOLD: Yeah, what makes you say that?

BLAKE: Ok, he stepped up to solve the murder, right, seeing as the entire store is under 24 hour surveillance from the LP room, don’t you think we could have found out the killer instantly? When the lights went out, Khus said they don’t keep those rooms locked – a true person willing to solve the case would have instantly checked the cameras

ISIS: Oh my god…

MARIGOLD: How could you have let him go on killing people for so long?

BLAKE: Well, I had my suspicions, I keep my cards close to my chest, you dig? That’s why I never let him go near my baby girl. (KISSES ISIS ON THE HEAD IN HER BEAUTIFUL HAIR)

MARIGOLD: So you just let Delicia and Loic die?

BLAKE: Well, nah, I was buddied up with Khus and didn’t notice him do anything in the dark, but it was clearly him. Then Anis died and I got shook because I was with Khus when it happened. Then I saw the pills and worked it out. The jam on her head was a mystery, but Oscar obviously left it there when he stole the keys. Don’t blame him, though, or even Oscar. None of this would have even happened if it weren’t for Khus…and technically Matt…and actually Sabrina, and…ah fuck it we’re all to blame, but Khus, here is the real murderer, not Ramsey

LAUREN: Khus, you’re a freak!

KHUS PULLS OUT A GUN FROM THE BACK OF HIS TROUSERS. ALL THIS TIME IT HAD BEEN HIDDEN BY HIS WHITE SHIRT. HE AIMS IT AT LAUREN. LAUREN SCREAMS.

KHUS: Say that again, say that AGAIN, I dare ya, I double dare ya, you motherfucker,

LAUREN FEARFULLY COVERS HER FACE. KHUS AIMS THE GUN AT OSCAR. EVERYBODY IS FRICKIN TENSE. NO ONE MOVES. SOME RANDOM MOUSTACHIOED BORAT LOOKALIKE CUSTOMER OUTSIDE TRIES TO OPEN THE LOCKED DOOR THINKING THAT YES, THE STORE WOULD BE OPEN AT 8 ON A SUNDAY. THIS DISTRACTION CAUSES KHUS TO PANIC AND PULL THE TRIGGER. ALL THE GIRLS AND DOMINIK SCREAM. DOREEN DIVES IN FRONT OF OSCAR TO SAVE HIM BUT SHE’S WAAAAY TOO SMALL TO HAVE ANY EFFECT AS A SHEILD, EVEN IF THE BULLET HAD EVEN HIT HER. SHE PATHETICALLY MISSES THE BULLET AND OSCAR GETS SHOT IN THE CHEST. HE FALLS TO THE GROUND AND IS TENDED TO BY DOREEN. BLAKE HEROICALLY RUGBY TACKLES KHUS INTO A T STAND KNOCKING IT OVER. KHUS LOSES GRIP ON THE GUN AND IT GOES CLATTERING ACROSS THE FLOOR. KHUS MANAGES TO FREE HIMSELF FROM BLAKE’S GRIP, PUNCHES HIM TO THE FLOOR AND RUNS FOR THE GUN. HE STUMBLES AND HAS TO STOP BECAUSE PARDEEP FLICKED AN ELASTIC BAND AT HIS EYE AND SCORED. HE STARTS RUNNING BUT IBRAHIM DIVES ACROSS THE FLOOR AND SENDS THE GUN INTO THE BODY SECTION. IBRAHIM RUNS FOR THE GUN, BUT KHUS FISHHOOKS HIM WITH A NEARBY HANGER. IBRAHIMS CHEEK GETS CUT OPEN AND HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR SHRIEKING, BLOOD GOING BESERK GUSHING OUT OF HIS HEAD. ANA AND ISIS ARE SCREAMING IN PANIC AT ALL THE BLOOD FROM OSCAR AND IBRAHIM. KHUS GETS THE GUN AND SWINGS IT ROUND AIMING IT AT PARDEEP IN REVENGE FOR THAT ELASTIC BAND STUNT. KHUS DOESN’T NOTICE SHABANA COMING OUT OF BODY FITS BEHIND HIM WITH A CHROME BAR AND SHE WALLOPS HIM AROUND THE HEAD WITH IT. IT HURTS LIKE HELL BUT HE DOESN’T FALL OVER OR DROP THE GUN. HE TURNS ROUND TO AIM AT SHABANA BUT SHE HITS HIM AROUND THE FACE THIS TIME. KHUS IS LITERALLY THROWN INTO THE AIR AND FALLS AGAINST A MANNEQUIN, DROPPING THE GUN. SHABANA PICKS UP THE GUN BUT KHUS RECOVERS TOO QUICKLY AND GRABS THE MANNEQUINS ARM AND BASEBALL BATS SHABANA IN THE FACE WITH IT

KHUS: See how you like it, you damn mousy bitch!

SHABANA HEROICALLY THROWS THE GUN OVER TO LAUREN BEFORE GETTING WHACKED BY THE BAD END OF THE MANNEQUIN’S ARM. LAUREN TRIES TO CATCH THE GUN BUT MISSES. ANA PICKS THE GUN UP AND TRIES TO AIM IT AT A RAPIDLY ADVANCING KHUS. SHE’S WAILING AND SHAKING TOO MUCH TO AIM IT PROPERLY. SHE DECIDES TO THROW THE GUN AT KHUS’S HEAD INSTEAD. IT BOUNCES OFF HIS BONCE WITH A CLUNK INTO ISIS’ HANDS. SHE COCKS THE GUN AT HIM AND PULLS THE TRIGGER TWICE AT POINT BLANK. THE FIRST SHOT GETS HIM IN THE SHOULDER BUT SHE’S SHAKING SO MUCH THE SECOND SHOT MISSES HIM. KHUS YELLS IN PAIN, HOLDS HIS HAND TO HIS SHOULDER AND DIVES AT ISIS. SHE DROPS THE GUN TERRIFIED AND HE GRABS HER AND PULLS HER UP BY THE HAIR AND PUNCHES HER BRUTALLY IN THE FACE.

LAUREN’S BRAIN: Ugh! What can I do?

SHE SUDDENLY GETS AN IDEA. SHE RUNS UP TO KHUS AND JUMPS ON HIS BACK. KHUS LETS GO OF ISIS’ HAIR. LAUREN UNFASTENS HER GAP BADGE AND JAMS THE NEEDLE INTO KHUS’ LEFT EYE WITH A SICKENING SQUELCH. SHE IS DISGUSTED AND GETS OFF KHUS. KHUS SCREAMS IN PAIN AND PULLS THE BADGE OUT AND TURNS TO WHAT HE THINKS IS LAUREN. ONE EYE HAS BEEN STABBED AND THE OTHER EYE IS FUZZY FROM THE ELASTIC BAND. IF ONLY MATT OR ANIS WAS HERE TO SAY SOME OFF COLOUR JOKE ABOUT A ‘ONE EYED MONSTER’ KHUS KICKS LAUREN IN THE CROTCH BUT HE ACTUALLY KICKED HER REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR NEXT TO THE STAIRS. THE MIRROR SHATTERS AND KHUS REALISES THAT SHE IS STANDING NEXT TO IT. HE THINKS HE SEES THE GUN ON THE SIDE OF THE CASHWRAP AND PICKS IT UP. HE FIRES IT BUT IT’S ACTUALLY A LABEL MAKER. HE THROWS IT ASIDE ANGRILY AND GOES OVER TO LAUREN TO SNAP HER NECK. MARIGOLD LUCKILY TAKES THE INITIATIVE AND SHE SHINES THE LASER FROM AN LRT GUN INTO HIS BETTER EYE. KHUS GETS SEVERELY DISORIENTATED. BLAKE COMES TO.

KHUS: Argh you little cunts! Where the fuck are you! I’m going to kill you all, if it’s the last thing I ever do! ARGH!

RAMSEY: You’ve already done the last thing you’ll ever do.

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for Delicia

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for Loic

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for Matt

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for David

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS

RAMSEY: That’s for Frumps

RAMSEY SHOOTS KHUS IN THE HEAD

RAMSEY: And THAT’S for making me a murderer for killing Anis

KHUS’ BODY JERKS WITH EACH GUN WOUND BUT DOESN’T EVER ACTUALLY FALL OVER. THE LAST SHOT IN HIS HEAD MAKES HIM TRY TO LOOK UP AT HIS FOREHEAD. HE ALMOST COMICALLY CAN’T SEE WHAT'S THERE SO HE KEEPS LOOKING UP UNTIL HE PUTS HIS HEAD BACK SO FAR HE LOSES BALANCE AND FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS.

MARIGOLD: Oh my god

PARDEEP: Shit, man

LAUREN: Oh my god

ANA: Oh my god

BLAKE: He’s gone, isn’t he?

RAMSEY: He’s definitely dead

BLAKE: Is everyone ok? (GASPS) Isis!

BLAKE RUNS AFTER ISIS AND CHECKS HER INJURIES. SHE’S NOT HURT AS BADLY AS SHABANA OR IBRAHIM, BUT BLAKE DOESN’T LEAVE HER. HE LOOKS INTO HER MOUTH THEN MUNCHES ON IT. IT’S ROMANTIC ENOUGH. I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE FOR IT TO SEEM MORE ROMANTIC. I’LL LEAVE IT TO YOUR IMAGINATION

ISIS (PAINED): I need a fag

DOMINIK: Yes, me too

ANA: What a night

LAUREN: I can’t believe all this time she was a guy.

BLAKE: Yes, you can

THERE’S A BANG AT THE DOOR. EVERYONE JUMPS. IT’S GUILIANA OPENING THE STORE. SHE ENTERS.

GUILIANA: Oh! What are you all doing here?

BLAKE: Khus went crazy and shot lots of people

GUILIANA: What happened??

DOREEN: He shot Oscar

GUILIANA: Oh my gooood why no one called an ambulance?

ISIS: The phones are down.

GUILIANA: Here use mine

SHE PASSES THE PHONE OVER TO ISIS. BLAKE MAKES THE CALL

GUILIANA: So what happened?

LAUREN: Khus killed Frumps and then Delicia and Loic, he blamed Anis for it so Ramsey killed him in revenge then Matt killed himself because Anis died, then David killed himself because Matt killed himself and then Khus blamed Oscar for all the deaths but then Blake worked out it was Khus and then Khus shot Oscar, then we all tried to fight Khus then Ramsey shot him, saving us all.

GUILIANA: Frumps?

LAUREN: You know who I mean

GUILIANA: Where’s Khus’ body?

LAUREN: It fell down the stairs

GUILIANA SCAMPERS OVER TO HAVE A LOOK.

GUILIANA: Lauren, there is no body here

LAUREN: What??

GUILIANA: There’s no Khus downstairs

LAUREN RUNS OVER TO LOOK

IT’S TRUE. THE BLOOD COVERED STAIRS ARE DESERTED.

THERE’S NO BODY.

LAUREN SCREAMS. ANA COMES OVER. ANA SCREAMS

ANA: Where…is…he???

PARDEEP: Calm down, Waste girl, me and Ramsey just carried the body upstairs. He’s over in front of the cashwrap.

ANA PUNCHES PARDEEP

LAUREN: You idiot, we thought…ugh! You’re such a loser!

ANA, LAUREN, AND GUILIANA WALK OVER TO THE CASHWRAP TO LOOK AT KHUS’ BODY.

IT’S EMPTY

LAUREN: Pardeep, he’s not here!!

ANA SCREAMS

PARDEEP: I said ‘behind’ the cashwrap.

LAUREN LOOKS OVER. KHUS’ BODY IS THERE. THEY SIGH.

GUILIANA: Pardeep!

LAUREN: You said ‘in front’

PARDEEP: I said ‘behind’!

LAUREN: You said ‘in FRONT’ of the cashwrap

PARDEEP: Why you lying for?

LAUREN: You’re such a loser

PARDEEP: Lauren.

LAUREN: What?

PARDEEP: So’s your face

SHABANA: Innit.

LAUREN: Ugh!!

AND THERE WE HAVE IT. THE END. THE FINAL MONTAGE OF MUTED IMAGES IS PLAYED UNDER THE SONG WITHIN YOU BY RAY LAMONTAGNE. THE AMBULANCE PICKS UP OSCAR AND IBRAHIM AND THEIR LIVES ARE SAVED. SHAFA WAKES UP AFTER TWO DAYS AND ADMITS TO KNOWING ABOUT KHUS’ PYSCHOTICNESS. DOREEN HOOKS UP WITH OSCAR. IBRAHIM HAS A FACE WITH A HOOK SCAR. RAMSEY HAS TO SERVE TIME FOR MURDERING ANIS, SHOT OF HIM SOBBING IN HIS CELL, BUT GETS OFF WITH GOOD BEHAVIOUR AFTER EIGHT MONTHS. DELICIA AND LOIC ARE REMEMBERED AS HEROES. MATT IS REMEMBERED AS AN IDIOT. DAVID ISN’T REMEMBERED. FIFTY YEARS LATER, PEOPLE STILL TALK IN HUSHED VOICES ABOUT THE RANDOM PHANTOM OF THE SHOP FLOOR, KHUSRAO HAKIMI. AN OLD INTERRACIAL COUPLE HOLD THEIR HANDS AND LOOK SOMBRELY AT THE GRAVESTONES OF THE MANAGER, DELICIA, LOIC, ANIS, MATT, DAVID AND KHUS, WITH A POLISH POLISHER IN THE BACKGROUND. THEY ARE JOINED BY ANOTHER OLD INTERRACIAL COUPLE. THE MAN IS LIMPING, WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE I SWEAR OSCAR GOT SHOT IN THE CHEST, NOT LEG. THEY STARE AT THE GRAVES SILENTLY AND THEN WALK OFF

THE AUTHOR WOULD ESPECIALLY LIKE TO THANK LAUREN ‘AUSTIN’ AUSTIN HARVEY, ANIS ROGER ALAMGIR, MATT JACK HAYOUKANE, KHUS DENNIS HAKIMI, ANA PHYLLIS VITORINO, CLEMENTINE BERTHA-GERTRUDE-DORIS-MAVIS-ETHEL WILDING TAYLOR AND RAMSEY ALBERTRAMBONOSCARYGRANTBOVINNYJONESTORICKEITHCLIFF HASSAN, WITHOUT WHOM THIS SCRIPT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN WRITTEN.

Oh, and all names and places in this story are completely fictional. Any similarities to persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

BLOOD ON THE SHOP FLOOR STARRED:

Special Guest Stars

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Five

From the creator of Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Three

comes: Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Five

SCENE 1: THE STORE’S MENS SECTION WHERE DOREEN, OSCAR, ANA, MARIGOLD, SHABANA, RAMSEY, DOMINIK, ISIS AND PARDEEP ARE SAT DUMBSTRUCK ABOUT DAVID’S SUICIDE. KHUS AND BLAKE STRIDE DETERMINEDLY INTO THE GROUP.

KHUS: Has anyone seen Ibrahim?

BLAKE (SLIGHTLY LOUDER): Has anyone seen Ibrahim?

PARDEEP: Yeah, yeah, he went down to the customer toilets

ANA: But Lauren went in there…

KHUS: But that must mean…oh my ne-

KHUS BREAKS OFF CONVERSATION TO RUN AFTER THE DISTRESSED DAMSEL

MARIGOLD: Khus wait!

KHUS: What?

ANA: David killed himself

KHUS IS SILENT

KHUS (SIGHS LIKE SOME ACTION HERO IN A TRAILER): One crisis at a time

BLAKE: Let’s make it hap’n Cap’n

THEY RUN OFF

MARIGOLD: Wow, Khus is kinda sexy when he’s all heroic and running and that

SHABANA: Innit, s’like some kind of action hero

DOREEN: I bet he’s really muscly underneath the white shirt.

ANA: God, imagine him in the rain

ISIS: It’d get all see through

DOMINIK: Alllllll riiiight…giggidi

MARIGOLD: Wait, you saw Lauren go into the same toilet Ibrahim’s in?

ANA: No we both left the staffroom and she said she was going to the customer toilets. If Ibrahim was in there, she’d just wait or go to another toilet.

DOREEN: Let’s change the subject.

SCENE 2: THE TOILETS. LAUREN IS STILL SCREAMING.

IBRAHIM: Shut it up for a sec

LAUREN JUMPS OFF THE SEAT AND PULLS UP HER JEANS. IBRAHIM ADVANCES ON LAUREN

IBRAHIM: Steady…

LAUREN: aaaaaaaaaaaa

LAUREN ELBOWS IBRAHIM IN THE FACE AND RUNS TO THE DOOR TO UNLOCK IT. IBRAHIM NURSES HIS FACE. LAUREN RUNS OUT AND DECIDES TO HIDE IN THE VISUAL AND BABY STOCKROOM. SHE CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER. IT’S PITCH BLACK. SHE BUMPS INTO A MANNEQUIN AND FALLS OVER. SHE DECIDES TO TURN ON THE LIGHT. NOW THE ROOM IS ILLUMINATED, SHE SEES THAT THE SUPPOSED MANNEQUIN IS JUST A LEG FORM, BUT INSTEAD OF A MANNEQUIN’S BODY ON TOP IT IS THE TOP HALF OF OLA THE CAMP VISUAL’S BODY WITH A FEY SCREAMING EXPESSION OF HIS DEAD FACE. HIS BODY IS GLUED TO LEG FORM BY HIS DRIED BLOOD. LAUREN TAKES THIS IN. IT’S HALF MANNEQUIN, HALF CORPSE. IT TAKES FOUR SECONDS BEFORE SHE GETS UP AND SCREAMS. SHE RUNS DEEPER IN AND FINDS THAT THE SAME THING HAS HAPPENED TO EMMA THE VISUAL SUPERVISOR. LAUREN SCREAMS LOUDER AND TURNS INTO THE BABY STOCKROOM WHERE SHE SEES MARGARET THE BABY SUPERVISOR LYING DEAD AGAINST A RACK WITH A BULLET HOLE IN HER DEAD HEAD. LAUREN SCREAMS MADLY AGAIN AND AGAIN.

KHUS BLASTS THROUGH THE DOOR AND TAKES THIS ALL IN. LAUREN IS STILL SCREAMING. HE PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE BRUTALLY. LAUREN CALMS DOWN

LAUREN: (GASPING)…Ibrahim!

BLAKE, WHO HAS ENTERED BEHIND KHUS, CARRIES LAUREN OUT WHILE KHUS GOES OFF TO CATCH IBRAHIM.

SCENE 3: KHUS IS INTREPIDLY LOOKING AROUND THE BABY FITTING ROOM. HE PULLS BACK CURTAIN ONE WITH A GASP. THERE’S NOTHING THERE. HE PULLS BACK CURTAIN TWO WITH A GASP. THERE’S NOTHING THERE. THE MUSIC (HIGH STRINGS) GETS VERY TENSE AS HE GULPS AS HE’S BEHIND FITTING ROOM CURTAIN NUMBER THREE. HE PULLS BACK THE CURTAIN. MUSIC GETS BLOODY ANNOYINGLY TENSE…

THERE’S NOTHING THERE. KHUS BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF.

HE LOOKS IN THE CUSTOMER TOILET. IT IS EMPTY. HE INSPECTS IT THOROUGHLY. IT IS EMPTY. THERE’S NO IBRAHIM HIDING.

KHUS TIPTOES QUIETLY INTO THE BACK HALL WAY WHERE THE EMPLOYEE TOILETS AND KIDS STOCKROOM IS LOCATED. KHUS GULPS AGAIN. HE UNHOOKS THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER WITH ONE HAND DEFTLY AND WEILDS IT LIKE ONE WOULD A WEAPON. HE BITES HIS LIP AND WIPES A BEAD OF SWEAT OFF HIS HEAD. HE BACKS INTO THE OLD ACCESSORIES STOCKROOM. IT’S CLEAR. HE CHECKS IN THE TWOSIES TOILET. IT’S CLEAR. MUSIC STARTS BUILDING AGAIN AS HE CHECKS ONESIES. HE GULPS AS HE GOES INTO THE KIDS STOCKROOM.

THERE’S NO ONE THERE. KHUS COMES BACK TO KHUS AND LAUREN.

KHUS: You have to tell me, Lauren, what was Ibrahim doing?

BLAKE: She says that he was spying on her going to the toilet.

LAUREN: Where is he?

KHUS: That’s what we’d all like to know. The good news is he can’t escape. The bad news is neither can we…Blake, go to the manager’s office; I’m going to escort Lauren back to her friends.

SCENE 4: BLAKE PROCEEDS TO THE MANAGERS OFFICE AND LETS HIMSELF IN. ONLY HE AND KHUS KNOW THE CODE. THERE ARE A LOT OF BODIES IN THE BACK, NOW. HE LOOKS MOURNFULLY AT MATT’S AND ANIS’. HE DOES THE SIGN OF THE CROSS ACROSS HIS CHEST AS HE STARES AT DELICIA AND LOIC. HE STUDIES DELICIA AND LOIC. IT’S VERY SIMPLE. THEY HAVE BEEN SHOT. HE GOES OVER THE DEAD MANAGER AND STUDIES THE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE. IT ISN’T SCARED OR SHOCKED. SHE JUST LOOKS ANGRY AS USUAL. BLAKE STROKES HIS LIP AND INSPECTS HER BODY. HE FINDS SOME DARK HAIRS, VARYING IN LENGTH ON HER BODY. SOME OF THE HAIRS ARE LONG. OTHERS ARE TOO SHORT TO BE HER OWN. HE NOTICES A FEW HAIRS LIGHTER THAN THE DARKER HAIRS. HE EXAMINES THE BACK OF HER HEAD. HE DOESN’T LIKE WHAT HE SEES. HE TENTATIVELY TOUCHES THE BLOOD. SOME HAS NOT TURNED BROWN YET. IT’S GOOEY AND BRIGHT RED KHUS ENTERS AND SEES THIS.

KHUS: Examining the bodies? Let me join you. Have you noticed how frenzied the stabs are on Anis’ body? Something tells me that this was a passionate kill.

BLAKE: Well who would kill Anis passionately? Who would hate him with such fervour?

KHUS: That’s an interesting question, Blake. If we are to assume that it was a crime of passion, my first instinct is that it was Lauren.

BLAKE: I thought that too.

KHUS: Notice how often Anis would make comments about her? True he did so about Ramsey, Matt, Shafa, and Shabana, but he definitely took a sadistic desire in laughing at Lauren

BLAKE: I’ve spent enough time with Lauren to know that she’s not a killer.

KHUS: True, and if we take into account this attack of Ibrahim’s, if she was the killer she would surely defend herself against him.

BLAKE: Well if we assume that Anis was killed by a different person to who killed Delicia, Loic and all…

KHUS: Or, at least under different circumstances…

BLAKE: We can make the case that it was Lauren who killed Anis, and wasn’t able to defend herself against Ibrahim because she did not have a knife handy.

KHUS: But then again…a knife…it’s very risky to use a knife and kill someone, not to mention messy. Ever seen Leon? It’s about a hit man; he mentions that the knife is the last weapon to train someone in as it is the hardest weapon to use.

BLAKE: But Khus, a knife is much more accessible than a gun.

KHUS: We’re going to be here all night. Who else did I just mention? Shafa, Matt, Shabana, and Ramsey

BLAKE: Matt didn’t kill Anis; he killed himself BECAUSE Anis died.

KHUS: I can’t see any concrete evidence for that. Don’t assume. It makes an ass out of you

BLAKE: And me

KHUS: Exactly. Shafa was unconscious, so it wasn’t her.

BLAKE: Hey, you’re assuming

KHUS: I’m trying to solve a murder, give me a break

BLAKE: You reckon it was either Shabana or Ramsey

KHUS: I don’t think Anis’ lewd joke about Ramsey getting together with Lauren because ‘she wanted chocolate’ or his dig at Shabana for making a crap joke was strong enough for them to stab him to death…we’re assuming this is a crime of passion remember?

BLAKE: Dammit. But I think we’re forgetting someone

KHUS: I know, myself, right? Well I was with you that whole time.

BLAKE: Yeah, that’s true

BLAKE TURNS AROUND. HIS EYES LOOK SEARCHINGLY AROUND THE OFFICE. HE SPOTS SOME TABLETS ON THE SHELF.

BLAKE: Khus, look at this, tamoxifen.

KHUS: That’s for cancer

BLAKE: Do you reckon she had…oh wait there’s more…epinephrine?

KHUS: That’s got the same effect as adrenaline

BLAKE: I know, my mum’s a doctor, look another – amoxicillin.

KHUS: That’s an antibiotic…I think for VD

BLAKE: You’re not wrong….here’s one more hydrogen peroxide…in suppository form

KHUS: That’s bleach. Who on earth would prescribe that in suppository form? Hand me that bottle

BLAKE HANDS HIM THE BOTTLE

KHUS (READING): Dr S A Campbell.

BLAKE: Er hang on…

KHUS: Sabrina Anne Campbell

BLAKE: Who used to work here? She prescribed her pills? She never said anything about helping her.

KHUS: I guess you could explain that with doctor patient confidentiality

BLAKE: And yet she told everybody about Aneta’s urinary tract infection

KHUS: I think she may have wanted to keep this private for other reasons…a cancer pill, adrenaline, a VD tablet and bleach? I think she was trying to poison her.

BLAKE’S EYES WIDEN

KHUS: That is a serious breach of the Hippocratic Oath.

BLAKE: Well, that’s interesting but she was shot, not poisoned. Do you think this is important?

KHUS: I don’t know…but I would like to know where that gun is.

BLAKE: I’m thinking you should be ordering that everybody shows you their lockers!

KHUS: Wait I think we’re ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room here. Ola, Emma, and Margaret.

BLAKE: Oh yes, I almost forgot.

KHUS: Some sick bastard sliced Ola and Emma’s bodies in half somehow and with a sick sense of humour placed their corpses on a mannequin’s leg form so they looked like mannequins in the dark. Margaret was shot. This is definitely the same killer as everyone else who’s been shot.

BLAKE: Do you reckon this incident is connected to when John lost his right leg last Sunday?

FLASHBACK

JOHN IS IN THE VISUAL ROOM HOLDING THE BOTTOM HALF OF A MANNEQUIN. ONE OF ITS LEGS IS MISSING.

JOHN: Oh shit, I’ve lost my right leg

THEN HE CLUMSILY KNOCKS A RACK WITH GLASS PANES BALANCING ON IT, WHICH WOBBLES CAUSING A PANE TO FALL OFF AND SLICE HIS RIGHT LEG OFF.

BACK TO KHUS AND BLAKE

KHUS: No, I think that matter was fairly solved

BLAKE: Yeah, hope he get’s better

KHUS: I’m going to carry out this idea of searching lockers, in any case we should be able to find some clues

SCENE 5: IN THE STORE’S MEN’S SECTION. SHABANA, OSCAR, RAMSEY, PARDEEP, LAUREN, ANA, MARIGOLD, DOREEN, DOMINIK AND ISIS. THEY ARE JOINED BY KHUS AND BLAKE. ISIS RUNS OVER TO BLAKE.

ISIS: Oh my god, I was so worried, it’s Ibrahim isn’t it? Where is he, I thought he would have killed you like he tried to kill Lauren.

BLAKE: We’re fine

KHUS: Yes, we’re fine, is everybody else ok?

DOREEN: We’re fine

LAUREN: Ugh, speak for yourself, I can’t believe that *weirdo* that was so random! Why haven’t you caught him?

KHUS: Yes well, we’ll be opening soon, he’ll get flushed out and caught, don’t worry. Until then I’d like to have a look through your lockers.

LAUREN: Um, why?? We already know it’s Ibrahim

BLAKE: Khus thinks he isn’t working alone.

LAUREN: What??

ANA: Yeah, what??

PARDEEP: He ain’t got a clue

ISIS: Oh my god I’m so scared, who killed Ola, Margaret and Emma?

KHUS: There are about 5 Emmas

ISIS: I obviously mean…

KHUS: Look, come on everybody, the sooner you show me your lockers the sooner we can put this to bed.

SHABANA: Wait, there are two killers? Is it definitely Ibrahim?

KHUS: We can’t say for sure, but if he is, he wasn’t working alone. Who was his buddy again?

MARIGOLD: Ramsey

KHUS: Hmmm, Ramsey

RAMSEY: Ah?

KHUS: Take me to your locker.

RAMSEY: Ummm…

SCENE 6: EVERYBODY IS ASSEMBLED BY THE LOCKERS. RAMSEY IS THE FIRST TO OPEN HIS LOCKER. BLAKE AND KHUS INSPECT IT WITH A SENSE OF URGENCY.

BLAKE: No gun.

KHUS: I’m starting to think Ibrahim might be innocent. He was buddied up with Ramsey when Delicia and Loic got shot. If he shot them, why would Ramsey cover?

RAMSEY: Exactly

KHUS: Ramsey, the way you can look at it is that if you’re innocent, Ibrahim’s innocent. Likewise if Ibrahim’s guilty, you are too.

LAUREN: Er are you absolutely stupid??

DOREEN: You know what I mean?

OSCAR: Guys, come on

MARIGOLD: We’ve been saying it from the beginning, it’s Ibrahim! So if that makes Ramsey guilty then so he is!

KHUS: Well, let’s not count all our eggs put in one basket before they hatch or the chicken came first.

MARIGOLD: What? Sorry you mentioned chicken, is it because I’m black?

KHUS: I’m saying you should show me your locker.

MARIGOLD: I can’t, I lost my key

KHUS: How convenient

LAUREN: No, it’s true it’s been missing for about three months

KHUS: Ok, seeing as we’re in the area, show me your locker, Lauren.

LAUREN UNLOCKS HER LOCKER. THERE IS A MESS OF CLOTHES AND A LIBRARY OF DVDS AND SWEETS.

BLAKE: Khus, there’s a lot of clothes here

KHUS: I can see that.

LAUREN: Um those are my own, for when I change…I’m not the thief.

SHABANA: There was a thief?

LAUREN: Didn’t Guiliana or Kelly tell you?

SHABANA: They never tell me nothing, innit

KHUS: Let me see your locker, Shabana

SHABANA SHOWS HIS HER LOCKER. NOTHING TOO REMARKABLE, SOME GAP BADGES, A BIRO, A NECKLACE, A DEAD PHONE. DOMINIK LOOKS UNHAPPY FOR SOME REASON.

KHUS: Doreen could I see yours, please

DOREEN OPENS HERS. THERE ARE SOME BOTTLES OF PERFUME. KHUS OPENS THEM TO SMELL. HE SEES AN UNMARKED GLASS BOTTLE. KHUS OPENS IT AND SNIFFS IT. HE WRINKLES HIS NOSE.

KHUS: Blake, smell this

BLAKE HAS A SNIFF

BLAKE: Vodka?

ANA: That would be Isis’ locker

DOREEN: No, it’s bleach.

BLAKE SHARES A LOOK WITH KHUS.

KHUS: What are you doing with bleach in your locker?

DOREEN: I don’t like normal nail polish remover, I prefer bleach instead.

KHUS: Right…well I hope you don’t ever get an itch in your eye…Isis, I’d like to see your locker.

BLAKE: They’d be nothing there

KHUS: Just open it, Isis

ISIS: Sorry, Blake, I better

ISIS OPENS HER LOCKER. INSIDE ARE STACKS OF PAPERS. KHUS PULLS ONE AT RANDOM

KHUS (READING): My dear I-sis-ter Soldier, roses are red, pimples are yellow, I’m longing for when, we can meet and say hello. Love, Blake.

EVERYBODY LOOKS AT BLAKE.

MARIGOLD: You love Isis?

ISIS: No…we love each other.

ISIS TAKES THE INITIATIVE AND SNOGS BLAKE

ANA: Omg, how long’s this been going on?

ISIS: Since Louisa’s leaving party

LAUREN: Oh FUCK off, you didn’t even work here back then.

BLAKE: I know Frankie innit from way back.

ISIS: Plus Junaid used to be my dealer,

BLAKE: They invited us to the same club and we just hit it off

LAUREN: But what about the footballer you were going out with? And that five night stand you were going on about?

ISIS: Blake, wanted to keep it secret.

BLAKE: I only started working here because she invited me.

ANA: Well I’m happy for the both of you

KHUS: Well things certainly are clearer…um Ana, show me your locker

ANA: Fine

ANA OPENS HER LOCKER. IT CONTAINS HER HANDBAG. KHUS LOOKS INSIDE IT. HE FINDS A BOTTLE OF PILLS. HE SEES WHAT THEY ARE CALLED AND LOOKS SURPRISED

KHUS: What’s this?

ANA: Amoxicillin…I sometimes get rashes. Amoxicillin helps with it.

KHUS: And who prescribed this to you?

ANA: It says on the bottle

KHUS: Dr Sabrina Anne Campbell.

BLAKE: Was she a drug dealer or something?

ANA: Um, no she noticed I got rashes and prescribed me some.

KHUS: Blake, I’m smelling a rat here. I can’t figure out what yet. I think I have one missing puzzle piece left.

BLAKE: I think I agree

ANA: No, I’m totally innocent. Stop…

THINKS FOR A SECOND

…allegating me.

KHUS: Enough for now, Oscar show me yours

OSCAR: Alright, is nothing there, don’t worry

KHUS: Just open it.

OSCAR OPENS IT. THERE IS NOTHING THERE.

KHUS: Good. Now you Dominik.

DOMINIK: No, sorry, no, sorry, no

KHUS: OPEN IT!

DOMINIK DOES AS HE IS TOLD. EVERYBODY GASPS.

ISIS: My iPod!

MARIGOLD: My locker key!

OSCAR: The charity money!

LAUREN: My phone!

ANA: My ear rings!

LAUREN: Matt’s 100 pounds!

PARDEEP: It’s you??

BLAKE: You’re the thief??

OSCAR: Is him who is the thief!

SHABANA: Is this the Gap thief you were going on about?

DOMINIK LOOKS FURIOUS. HE IS SILENT.

MARIGOLD: Oh someone kill him.

KHUS: Everybody take back what’s yours. Everything except Matt’s money. We can add that to the charity money. Well, well, Dominik. Very disappointing

DOMINIK JUST FUMES SILENTLY.

KHUS: Right, well I’ll be keeping this key. Um Marigold, now you’ve got your key we can check it, but I’ll take your word for it.

MARIGOLD: You can check it if you want, I don’t mind.

KHUS: I’m sure it’ll be alright. I think the only other person left is myself, Blake and Ramsey. Let me show you mine.

KHUS OPENS HIS LOCKER. IT IS TOTALLY EMPTY EXCEPT FOR A TOP GEAR MAGAZINE.

BLAKE OPENS HIS. IT CONTAINS DEODORANT, JEWELLERY, BUT NOTHING INCRIMINATING.

KHUS: Pardeep?

PARDEEP SHOWS HIM HIS LOCKER. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF A THOUSAND ELASTIC BANDS AND A FEW SHOELACES, IT’S UNREMARKABLE.

ANA: So that’s everyone’s locker, are you happy?

LAUREN: That’s not everyone.

KHUS: Shafa’s sleeping, I doubt it’s her.

MYSTERY PERSON IN DARKNESS: She means me

LAUREN SCREAMS. IT IS IBRAHIM.

IBRAHIM: Look I swear down now, I ain’t a bad person.

KHUS: You have a fuckload of explaining to do, you perverted cunt.

IBRAHIM: Look I’m going to come clean

LAUREN SCREAMS

IBRAHIM: Not in that way. Let me start by giving you my locker key.

HE HANDS IT OVER TO KHUS AND SHOWS HIM TO HIS LOCKER. KHUS OPENS THE LOCKER.

EVERYONE GASPS. THERE’S HUNDREDS OF NOTES OF MIXED CASH.

KHUS: How much is there?

IBRAHIM: Fifteen hundred pounds

KHUS: Where did you get that from.

IBRAHIM: Sorry, I’m not allowed to say, but you can see there’s no gun in there. The money’s not important.

KHUS: Right, this doesn’t add up. Why did you run away from me?

IBRAHIM: I was scared. Everyone thinks it’s me. It’s not. I swear on my mum’s life.

KHUS: What were you doing in the bathroom?

IBRAHIM: I just wanted someone to talk to.

LAUREN: What??

IBRAHIM: I like to hang about in there. So many people don’t notice me. I just wanted to confide in whoever came in.

BLAKE: Something really isn’t adding up here.

KHUS: Blake, I’m going to try and think. Stay with everybody here, make sure especially not to let Ibrahim out of your sight. If you have to, get Pardeep to watch him.

KHUS LEAVES AND ENTERS THE STAFF ROOM WHERE SHAFA’S SLEEPING.

KHUS SIGHS AND LOOKS AT THE VENDING MACHINES. HE CHANGES HIS MIND AND GOES TO THE FRIDGE. HE LOOKS AROUND IN THERE. HIS EYES REST ON A JAM JAR. HIS EXPRESSION CHANGES.

KHUS: Blake!!

BLAKE (SHOUTING FROM LOCKERS): What?

KHUS: Come here!

BLAKE ENTERS THE STAFFROOM.

KHUS: Blake, gather everybody up at the front of the store.

BLAKE: Why?

KHUS: We’re going to have one hell of a minute meeting.

BLAKE: Don’t tell me you’ve…

KHUS: That’s right. I’ve cracked it. I know the identity of the killer.

SO WHAT’S THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE JAM? WHO IS IT? FOR THE DEFINITE ANSWER, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOG ON IN A WEEK’S TIME ON THURSDAY 10 APRIL FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE AWARD WINNING, CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED, WORLD FAMOUS, OVERWHELMINGLY POPULAR ‘BLOOD ON THE SHOP FLOOR’