Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Four

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Four

SCENE 1: INT THE STORE’S MEN’S SECTION. KHUS AND BLAKE HAVE GONE TO THE MANAGER’S OFFICE TO COPE AND RE-EVALUATE KHUS’ DETECTING. SHAFA IS STILL UNCONSCIOUS IN THE STAFFROOM. EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT THE TRAGIC BRUTAL MURDER OF ANIS EXCEPT MATT, ISIS AND PARDEEP WHO HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP. DOMINIIK DECIDES TO BREAK IT TO MATT. THE THICK FOREIGN ACCENT IS RATHER HARD TO UNDERSTAND. DAVID, SHABANA, IBRAHIM, RAMSEY, LAUREN, OSCAR, DOREEN, ANA, AND MARIGOLD WATCH THIS UNFOLD.

DOMINIK: Matt…Matt…are you awaked?

MATT (SLEEPILY CONFUSED): Erect?

DOMINIK: Yes, you are, look…your friend has been forked

MATT (SLEEPILY CONFUSED): Fucked?

DOMINIK: Oh sorry, knifed, I, ah, forgot

MATT (SLEEPILY CONFUSED): A faggot?

DOMINIK: Yes, he’s been knifed, your friend Anis

MATT (SLEEPILY CONFUSED): Anus?

DOMINIK: Don’t panic, I should have go sit

MATT (SLEEPILY CONFUSED): Gusset?

DOMINIK: I go now…

MATT (SLEEPILY CONFUSED): Cleft?

SHABANA IMPATIENTLY TELLS MATT

SHABANA: Anis is dead, Matt, I’m sorry innit

MATT’S EYES WIDEN. WE HAVE A CAMERA ON HIM IN A LONG SHOT FROM 30 METRES DISTANCE.

THE CAMERA DOES A JUMP ZOOM OF 5 METRES WITH A SHARP DRAMATIC BURST OF BRASS INSTRUMENT

THE CAMERA DOES IT AGAIN, SO WE’RE NOW 20 METRES AWAY MAKING THE SAME NOISE.

15 METRES, LOUD BRASS NOISE, HOLD FOR ONE SECOND

10 METRES, LOUD BRASS NOISE, HOLD FOR ONE SECOND

15 METRES, LOUD BRASS NOISE, HOLD FOR ONE SECOND

20 METRES, LOUD BRASS NOISE

HOLD FOR A BEAT

THEN IN ONE SECOND

15 METRES, LOUD BRASS NOISE

10 METRES, LOUD BRASS NOISE

5 METRES, LOUD BRASS NOISE

CLOSE UP, LOUD BRASS NOISE,

PULL FOCUS ON MATT.

MATT: …Anis is dead? If he didn’t make it out of here alive, I can’t see myself making it out alive.

LAUREN: I’m starting to think none of us will

ANA: And what happens then if we do? How do we come back from here?

SHABANA: You should sue the store, innit, get some money

PARDEEP: Haha jokes

IBRAHIM: A good way to get money is to bet on the Special Olympics

ISIS: Why?

SARCASTICALLY DOING THE SARCASTIC FINGER QUOTE THINGIES

IBRAHIM: Because “they’re ALL winners”

SOME PEOPLE LAUGH. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO IN LIGHT OF THIS RECENT TRAGEDY.

ISIS: I don’t think I could ever come back to this store after tonight

ANA: What will you do?

ISIS: Maybe relax for a while, I can cut hair

ANA: Open a hairdressers?

ISIS: Maybe

MATT: You could call it Curl Up And Dye

LAUREN: Curl up and die??

MATT: Dye as in dye your hair

ISIS: I don’t know how to dye hair

MATT: You can still curl can’t you?

ISIS: But I use curling tongs, in a hairdressers you need to use clips.

MATT: Alright, Isis!! What time is it?

DOMINIK: Some seconds til four o clock

MATT (SLEEPILY CONFUSED): What were you sucking?

DOMINIK: You know, when I’m retired, I would like to teach a choir

MATT (SLEEPILY CONFUSED): When you’re a retard you’ll touch a queer?

DOMINIK: With all the choir boys in the choir

MATT: You’re a sick man, you know that.

ISIS: Matt, seriously, what’s crawled up your crack?

MATT: Oh my god. This is all my fault.

LAUREN: You don’t mean that, stop blaming yourself, fishing for compliments

MATT: No I do.

ANA: ?

MATT: It was me

ISIS: ??

MATT: It was me who graffitied on the fridge…this is all my fault. If I hadn’t…If I hadn’t done that stupid thing, none of us would be here

PARDEEP: You’re a fucking prick

IBRAHIM: This is all your fault?

MATT: I know

IBRAHIM: If you hadn’t been so fucking stupid, we wouldn’t be trapped here like fucking mugs waiting to die like cunts

MATT: I know! I’m…I never thought this would happen just because of what I did

RAMSEY: Everyone is dead because of you

MATT: Hey! Not everyone!

RAMSEY: Yes, everyone you stupid little bastard…UGH!

A SURPRISINGLY VEHEMENT RESPONSE. DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HE LIKED ANIS.

MATT: I’m so sorry, but she stresses me out so much, I thought just to graffiti, it would let her know that absolutely no one in the store likes her.

LAUREN: You’re such a loser.

MATT: Look it’s easy to blame me, but there is an actual killer killing people in the store, alright? And that’s not me

ANA: Well you definitely wouldn’t kill Anis.

MATT: Exactly. Of all the souls I ever knew, he was the most…goggle eyed

LAUREN: That’s true

MATT: Nor would I kill Delicia and Loic

PARDEEP: Who knows what you can do, you little shit.

MATT: Remember, as soon as you suspect someone, they die, like in that film ‘As Soon As You Suspect Someone, They Die’

DAVID (DRAMATICALLY): Bum bum bum…

ISIS: Right

MATT: I can just imagine what Anis would say right about now…(DOING A BAD IMPRESSION OF ANIS) Stop your lollygagging about with these impudent jackanapes, you blasted blowhards!

LAUREN: Because he always said that

MATT: Innit

RAMSEY: What time is it?

MARIGOLD: It’s 5 o clock

DOREEN: Just two more hours

OSCAR: Four more hours

DOREEN: ?

OSCAR: It’s Sunday

DOREEN: Ohhhhhh

MATT: That’s fucking ages

OSCAR: Yeah…

PARDEEP: No way out at all?

OSCAR: No

SHABANA: Who could have killed Anis, we were all here, innit?

IBRAHIM: I swear all of us were here

RAMSEY: Unless it was someone who could get away unnoticed

DOMINIK: Sorry

DAVID: Or someone else entirely

LAUREN: Someone else entirely?

ANA: Like who?

DAVID: I don’t know…Barbara, Gareth, Claire, Dave, Ali, Tobe, Rowena, Charlotte, Saad, Kat, Junaid, Shafa, Rachel, The Emma’s, Aneta, Magda, Cleo, Sabrina, Jason, Samir…

LAUREN: Ok, we get it, everyone wanted Anis to die, but how do you suppose they’ve been inside this store unnoticed?

DAVID: How did someone already in the store disappear unnoticed?

ANA: The only people we can really…

THINKS FOR A SECOND

ANA: …alibise are Khus, because he was talking and everybody was watching him, Blake and Oscar who were right next to him, I wasn’t concentrating on anybody else.

PAUSE

IBRAHIM: I think all of us were focusing on them. Who know’s you could have done it.

MATT: Yeah, Youssfe, I think we should keep a closer watch on YOU, out of everybody in this store, with the exception of Dominik because he’s a perverted wet fish, I can safely say that you have never done anything compassionate or humane for another human being

IBRAHIM: What do you want me to say, that I did it? For fuck’s sake…remember you suspect me, two minutes later I end up dead

MARIGOLD: I fail to see the downside

IBRAHIM: What the fuck, Marigold, why’r’u’b’n’a’li’l’ bitch for? I was holding onto Ramsey’s gay hand!

MARIGOLD: All I know is, one minute Delicia was suspecting you, the next, she’s dead with the man whose babies I wanted to have!

ISIS: I wish I was drunk

IBRAHIM: For fuck’s sake what do you people want from me? I’m fucking off to the staffroom

PARDEEP: No you stay here, what if some next man gets killed, then it’s definitely you innit, just stay with us, if anything happens, we’ll all know it wasn’t you

IBRAHIM: You’re all fucking dopey...yeah, even you, Wasteman, I’ve been staying here all this time, and still I get all these cunts thinking I’m some killer

MATT: Um, I’m not feeling these vibes at the moment, I want some space for a sec.

IBRAHIM: So he can leave, but in a minute, someone will be blatently dead

MARIGOLD: His best friend died!

LAUREN: Not for the first time at this store, too

IBRAHIM: Why, what happened?

LAUREN: It doesn’t matter, just let him go

MATT: Thanks everybody. I’ll be right back

MATT LEAVES THE GROUP

ANA: God it’s way too late to even travel home now…if I get home, my mum would throw a wobbler

DOMINIK: Sorry?

SHABANA: Same with mine, innit

LAUREN: We don’t have to go home, we could go to a hotel

ANA: Motel

SHABANA: Holiday Inn

MARIGOLD AND ISIS: Say what?

SCENE 2: MATT IS STANDING AT THE STAIRS. MATT KILLS HIMSELF TO HOUNDS OF LOVE BY THE FUTUREHEADS. DURING THE FIRST VERSE HE PULLS OUT THE STRING FROM A LARGE PLASTIC BAG. HE TIES A NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK AND TIES THE END TO THE BANNISTER. HE TAKES A SMALL WALK BACK. HE JUMPS FORWARD WHEN THE FUTUREHEADS SING ‘AMONGST YOUR HOUNDS OF LOVING/FEEL YOUR LOVE SURROUNDING ME’ HE FALLS IN SLOW MOTION AS THEY SING THE LYRIC ‘I’VE ALWAYS BEEN A COWARD’ HIS BODY JERKS TO THE ‘ER AH OH HO HOH’ RHYTHM THEY CHANT. HIS SHOES FALL OF WITH A PARTICULARLY VIOLENT JERK AS THE FUTUREHEADS SING ‘TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF/AND I WILL THROW THEM IN THE LAKE’ FADE TO BLACK AS SONG ENDS ON ‘I NEED A HEY YEAH YE-YEA YEAH YE-YAY’ WITH MATT’S BODY HANGING FROM THE ROPE LIMP. GUILIANA ALWAYS SAID HE’D END UP KILLING HIMSELF RUNNING DOWN THOSE STAIRS. FUCK ME, HOW ACCURATE WAS THAT??? SHE’S GOT SOME POWERS OR SOMETHING.

SCENE 3: THIRTY MINUTES LATER

DAVID: Where’s Matt, he should be back by now

IBRAHIM: He’s dead or killing people

LAUREN AND ANA: OI!

IBRAHIM: It’s true though, like in that film ‘He’s Dead or Killing People’

DAVID (DRAMATICALLY): Bum bum bum…

PARDEEP: Stop it you idiot

ISIS: Let me just go look

ISIS WALKS OFF

RAMSEY: Umm Blake wouldn’t want you to go on your own

RAMSEY FOLLOWS HER

ISIS: Um, Blake and I aren’t together, we’re just friends

RAMSEY: Good…so…you…like…it here?

ISIS: Not really, it’s nearly 6 in the morning

RAMSEY: Hmm…um…Isis…

ISIS: What?

RAMSEY: We kissed once

ISIS: Did we?

RAMSEY: You don’t remember?

ISIS (GIGGLES): Um…Nope!

RAMSEY: Right…um okay, well we did

ISIS: What does this have to do with anything?

RAMSEY: Well, I thought we could get close enough for me to tell you something

ISIS: What?

RAMSEY: Well, er, do you want to know a secret?

BEFORE RAMSEY CAN GET AN ANSWER, ISIS RUNS OVER TO THE WHITE STRING TIGHTLY WOUND ROUND THE BANNISTER. SHE SEES THE STRING IS TIED AROUND MATT’S LIFELESS LOLLYGAGGING NECK. SHE SCREAMS. EVERYBODY COMES RUNNING. RAMSEY CURSES. THEY STARE GOBSMACKED AT MATT’S COWARDLY BODY. BLAKE AND KHUS COME RUNNING FROM THE MANAGER’S OFFICE UP THE STAIRS. BLAKE RUNS OVER TO ISIS AND COMFORTS HER. AFTER A VERY SHOT WHILE, EVERYBODY CALMS DOWN.

KHUS LOOKS OVER THE BODY

KHUS: It wasn’t staged, this was a real suicide

IBRAHIM: Matt was so gay, you know

ISIS: This is the second time I’ve found a body today

KHUS: Technically you found the first yesterday

BLAKE: Khus, I know what you’re thinking, Isis had nothing to do with this.

KHUS: You were with me, what do you know?

BLAKE: Um, fine, I just know her, she would never do anything like that

KHUS: I don’t think you can see her tiny body past your wang,

BLAKE: You’ve hit on it, her tiny body isn’t capable of anything like this, let’s cut him down and go back to the manager’s office

DAVID, WHO HAD ERSTWHILE BEEN STANDING AWKWARDLY IN THE MEN’S SECTION JOINS THE CROWD AND THE TRUTH DAWNS ON HIM

DAVID: Matt killed himself?

KHUS: I’m sorry, David, if you want to talk…

DAVID: No, I…I’m going to go to the staffroom for a sec, see if Shafa’s ok

DAVID GOES TO THE STAFFROOM

SCENE 4: THE STAFFROOM. SHAFA IS STILL UNCONSCIOUS. DAVID IS STANDING OVER HER WITH HIS HAND GENTLY ON HER CHEEK. HE STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND STANDS HUNCHED OVER THE SINK

DAVID: Ever since I won the lottery, (THAT’S NEWS TO ME) the ones I love have been dropping like magnetic flies reaching puberty with diarrhoea over an iron; first Annie; Annie; Ellie; Jess; Shafa unconscious; Anis; and now Matt. The only answer is to kill myself…that’s the only way it will stop!

DAVID FILLS UP A GLASS OF THE TAP WATER IN THE STAFFROOM. HE STARES AT IT FOR A FEW SECONDS DEBATING WHETHER TO DRINK IT AND END IT ALL. THEN HE DECIDES TO GO AHEAD. LAUREN AND ANA ENTER SEEING DAVID DRINK. THEY SEE THE TAP RUNNING AND REALISE WHAT DAVID IS DRINKING

LAUREN: David no!!

LAUREN’S CRY SURPISES DAVID AND CAUSES HIM TO CHOKE ON THE WATER. HE DROPS THE GLASS AND RETREATS INTO A CORNER CHOKING. ANA RUNS OVER TO DAVID TO SAVE HIM BUT HE’S DYING. SHE EMBRACES HIM AS HE COLLAPSES AND HE DIES IN HER ARMS

DAVID COUGHING GUTS OUT: Tell…Annie…Tell…Annie…she looked like the main character from Skins.

HE DIES.

ANA LOOKS AT LAUREN IN SHOCK: You killed him…

LAUREN IS STUNNED: I killed him??

SHAKES HEAD

LAUREN: Wow, Matt meant that much to David?

ANA: It would certainly seem so.

LAUREN: This is one of the worst nights in this store’s history

ANA: One of? I think it has to be the worst. Delicia, Loic, Anis and Matt…and David

LAUREN: Frumps balances it out

ANA: True

LAUREN: No seriously, I’m kidding, we need to get out of here

ANA: Don’t worry it’s not your fault you killed him

LAUREN: Don’t say it like that!

ANA: It’ll only count as manslaughter

LAUREN: Oiiii-er, David was committing suicide, like Matt, it’s not my fault…don’t tell anyone what happened here, let’s just say we found him like this

ANA: Whatever.

LAUREN: This is not the time for falling out! Just stick to that story

ANA: Whatever

LAUREN: Oh my god…what a night…Anis, then Matt, then David. The Three Stooges died…in the order of when they joined the store.

ANA: Technically one committed suicide, two were murdered

LAUREN: I’m telling you Ana…shut up about that, or you’ll get killed next.

SLIGHTLY TENSE MOMENT. IT’S CLEAR LAUREN IS NOT JOKING.

ANA: Well, we better break the news.

LAUREN: Yes I think we better had…give me a minute though

SCENE 4: THE MANAGERS OFFICE. ALL THE BODIES ARE STACKED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER BACK OFFICE. BLAKE SHUTS THE DOOR ON THEM AND TURNS TO KHUS WHO IS SITTING IN THE MANAGER’S CHAIR FURROWING HIS BROW AND STORKING HIS CHIN LOOKING PENSIVE.

KHUS: How utterly macabre.

BLAKE: Dude, you is one sombre hombre

KHUS: All this death is getting me down…I knew I could have done something to protect everybody, I’m just…oh god.

BLAKE: Come on, we’s got work to do

KHUS: The manager, Delicia, Loic, and Anis…what’s the connection?

BLAKE: I’m racking my brains, mate, I don’t know where you went wrong

KHUS: I really thought it was Anis, and now he’s dead

BLAKE: Are you alright, Khus? You’re shaking

KHUS: I’m fine, I just…Anis? If he’s not the killer…why on earth did he die? Surely the killer would keep him alive as a scapegoat for their innocence…why kill him as he is immediately marked as a suspect?

BLAKE: Did you notice how he died, too?

KHUS: I did, very…very observant of you, Blake, Anis was stabbed. Everybody else was shot.

BLAKE: Why alternate between weapons, man?

KHUS: The first three murders were very clean, almost professional.

BLAKE: Innit

KHUS: This killing is messy, there’s T stands knocked over, Anis almost got away, there’s blood all over the lift.

BLAKE: Why would they deviate?

KHUS: Either the purpose for Anis’ death was widely different, or there are two killers

BLAKE: Two killers? We don’t even have one suspect!

KHUS: On the contrary, everyone is a suspect…or the killer ran out of bullets so he had to stab him

BLAKE: Ran out of bullets?

KHUS: Occam’s Razor

BLAKE: Occam’s Razor?

KHUS: It means that…

BLAKE: I know what it means, does it really apply here?

KHUS: The theory in fiction is that it’s always the one we least suspect, but that’s to make a more shocking thriller, in real life, Occam’s Razor applies. (PAUSE) Sometimes how it looks…is exactly how it is…(DRAMATIC PAUSE)…get me Ibrahim!

SCENE 5 INT THE BABY FITTING ROOMS. FAME BY DAVID BOWIE IS PLAYING. A BLONDE GIRL COMES WALKING THROUGH AND ENTERS THE CUSTOMER TOILETS. SHE SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HER. SHE GOES UP TO THE SINK AND SPLASHES WATER ON HER FACE

LAUREN: Ugh…David…why? You loser…

LAUREN UNDOES HER JEANS AND SITS ON THE TOILET. HER EYES FLICKER TO HER LEFT AS SHE SEES THAT A SHADOWY FIGURE WAS HIDING BEHIND THE DOOR WAITING FOR HER. SHE SCREAMS. THE CAMERA STAYS ON HER FACE BUT PULLS BACK AND WE SEE WHO IT IS IN THE MIRROR

IT IS IBRAHIM.

DAMN, HOW MANY MORE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE? IS LAUREN GONNA GET RAPED? WHAT KIND OF FREAK HIDES IN THE CUSTOMER TOILETS? WILL I BE ABLE TO STRETCH THIS OUT FOR ANOTHER TWO EPISODES? FIND OUT, IN PART FIVE OF ‘BLOOD ON THE SHOP FLOOR’ RELEASED THURSDAY 3 APRIL.

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Three

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Three

SCENE 1: INT THE STORE’S MEN’S DENIM SECTION WHERE WE LAST LEFT ANIS, LAUREN, ISIS AND OSCAR. IT’S PITCH BLACK AND SILENT. THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON.

LAUREN: Anis isn’t back yet?

ISIS: I wonder where he is.

SCENE 2: THE ELECTRICIAN’S ROOM. KHUS EXITS IT AND LOOKS INTO THE STAFFROOM AND CHECKS UP ON SLEEPING BEAUTY.

KHUS: Have a good long rest, Shafa…there won’t be any good news when you wake up.

KHUS LEAVES THE STAFFROOM AND GOES BACK INTO THE KIDS SECTION TO FIND EVERYBODY IN A PANIC OVER THE DEATHS OF DELICIA AND LOIC. KHUS IS FACED WITH A HARD TASK. HE DECIDES TO TAKE A NICER APPROACH.

KHUS: Blake, a word

BLAKE: What’s up, G?

KHUS: I can only assume that the four people upstairs are innocent,

BLAKE: Oh yeah, you’re right

KHUS: The bad news is that someone down here is the murderer

BLAKE: Look, they obviously placed this cashmere sweater (SHOWS HIM A CHARRED CASHMERE SWEATER) over the gun so we wouldn’t see any kind of flash during the darkness

KHUS: Clever bastard

BLAKE: What shall we do?

KHUS: Perhaps…I don’t know, I thought that if we stayed in big groups in buddies of two, but that brilliant idea has killed two innocent people! I can’t imagine it would be better with everybody isolated individually.

BLAKE: That would be bad

KHUS: And yet, I feel that if I put those groups together, everybody would get into a panic,

BLAKE: We should put everybody back together, I think it’s for the best.

KHUS: Thank you, Blake

KHUS AND BLAKE RETURN TO THE PANICKED CROWD OF EMPLOYEES.

KHUS: Come on, everybody, let’s leave this spot and go back upstairs.

EVERYBODY TRUDGES UPSTAIRS MISERABLY

SCENE 3: THE STORE’S MEN’S DENIM SECTION. PRESENT ARE LAUREN, OSCAR, ANIS, AND ISIS. EVERYBODY COMES UPSTAIRS.

LAUREN: What happened downstairs? We heard screaming…

ANA: You don’t want to know

MATT: Delicia and Loic got killed

LAUREN AND ISIS SHARE A LOOK

ANIS: How?

PARDEEP: With a gun

OSCAR: Why didn’t we hear it?

BLAKE: I was there, I didn’t hear a thing

DAVID: It had to be a silenced pistol

ISIS: Why did they die?

MATT: Innit, man, at least everybody had a motive to shoot Frumps, who didn’t not not like Delicia and Loic

DAVID: That was, like, a triple negative

KHUS: If these killings can be explained as random, that’s all we need, but I suspect that they are not. I think that by killing Loic and Delicia, the two strongest people in the store were out of the picture.

IBRAHIM: Ohh yeaaah

RAMSEY: Innit man

IBRAHIM: Loic was bare strong, ain’t no one getting past him without a gun

BLAKE: And Delicia could handle herself well

IBRAHIM: Well why didn’t they kill me as well

PARDEEP LAUGHS DERISIVELY

MARIGOLD: I’ll tell you why, you’re the killer, Ibrahim!

MATT: That’s the only reason he’s not dead yet!

IBRAHIM: Fuck off, I was holding onto Ramsey’s gay hand the whole time!

RAMSEY: He was

OSCAR: How did they die?

PARDEEP: You know when the lights went out, yeah, you see when the lights came back on, yeah, they were dead

ANIS: How?

PARDEEP: With a gun

ANA: We’ve covered that

DOMINIK: It was scary, yes

MATT: We’ve covered that

ANIS: How did they die?

KHUS: They were shot, when the lights went out and we didn’t notice until the lights came back on

ANIS: You were down there the whole time? How could you let that happen right under your nose?

BLAKE: It WAS pitch black

ANIS: Still…

KHUS: What?

ANIS: You’re useless. You can’t solve a thing.

IT HURTS

KHUS: Look, Anis, don’t take things the wrong way but I just have a good way of assessing a situation, I can’t explain why, right now, but at the moment, only I and Blake have heard the sufficient amount of facts from people. We still need to probe Ana, Pardeep, Shabana, Dominik, Matt, David, Doreen, and um…Marigold…

MARIGOLD IS SNIFFING MISERABLY IN A CORNER

OSCAR: What about the crime scene? You checked around there?

KHUS: I’m going to have a look there in a minute, check for clues

LAUREN: Is anyone reminded of Shirley Holmes?

KHUS: I’d rather you think of me as Sherlock…

ANIS (QUIETLY): No shit,

KHUS: …and Blake as my Watson.

DAVID: Did Doctor Watson ever have a first name?

MATT: Probably Burt

RAMSEY: Probably Ernie

ANIS: Probably Anis

KHUS: Probably…Chang or…Goober

ISIS: Yeaaaah

KHUS: Anyway if I do find some clues, that will factor heavily on to the evidence on the suspect I’m thinking of, I might just catch a murderer today.

DAVID: Yikes

KHUS: And if I DO do this…that will be colossal

ANIS: Tell me more about your colossal doo-doo

IT TAKES EVERYONE A FEW SECONDS TO UNDERSTAND THE JOKE.

WHEN THEY DO, THEY GIGGLE LIKE SCHOOLKIDS.

KHUS: Ha ha, ok, look um, I’m going to go downstairs

BLAKE: You want me to come?

MATT MOUTHS ‘THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID’ TO PARDEEP. HE DOESN’T GET IT. ANIS SEES THIS AND CRACKS UP IN SILENT LAUGHTER.

KHUS: No, Blake, I’d rather you stayed up here, I need a man up here to make sure we all stay together.

BLAKE: Should I sort them into buddies?

KHUS: Umm, no, let’s have everybody say their name out loud if there’s another power cut, see ya

KHUS LEAVES

MATT: Thank god he’s gone, he’s too heavy on everyone, man

ANIS: He punched me

MATT: He cussed my mum

ANIS: Touché

DOREEN: Hey, is anyone having luck with their phones?

EVERYONE IS OUT OF BATTERY

ANA: Why hasn’t any of our parents tried dropping by the store to look for us?

ANIS: Man I hope my mother’s coming

MATT: That’s what she said

LAUREN: Ugh!

ANA: That doesn’t even make sense

OSCAR: It does

ANA: OMG that just makes it sick

ANIS: You’re such an idiot

MATT: And so’s yer face

ANIS: Don’t TRY…to even ATTEMPT…to even TRY…to even ATTEMPT…to use that joke

MATT: Whatever (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

LAUREN: Alright, Nadine!

MATT: Enh

ANA: You know, out of us…who could really be a murderer

ANIS: Easy question

LAUREN: Really?

ANIS: Sure!

POINTS AT IBRAHIM

ANIS: He’d whack a guy

POINTS AT PARDEEP

ANIS: He’d off a guy

POINTS AT OSCAR

ANIS: He’d whack off a guy

MATT (BRISTOLIAN): High five!

OSCAR: What???

EVERYBODY LAUGHS EXCEPT DOREEN AND ANA

MATT: You know what I reckon?

ANIS: What?

MATT: None of us is a murderer…It’s ALL Polish polish!

LAUREN, PARDEEP, SHABANA AND ANIS LAUGH

ISIS: What’s Polish polish?

ANA: Yeah,

ANIS: There was this Polish guy…

LAUREN: …who was well creepy…

MATT: …and used to polish the floor with a carpet buffer

ANIS: How can you polish the floor with a carpet buffer?

MATT: You know what I mean

ANIS: You’re a fool!

MATT: Alright!

ANIS: Yera fool! Yera fool! Yera fool!

MATT: Calm it down!

IBRAHIM: Why do they call it welfare, is it because it is, like, ‘well fair’?

LAUREN: No

MATT: They only call it welfare in America

BLAKE: Just how dumb are you, exactly.

MATT: Shhhht!!

SHABANA: How would any of us know: we all work, innit

LOIC: Truesay

OH WAIT HE’S DEAD. UMM HANG ON. GO BACK IN TIME FOUR SECONDS.

DOMINIK: Truesay

CLOSE ENOUGH

MATT: I swear its only called welfare in America, over here it’s called the Social

LAUREN: How did we even get onto this subject

IBRAHIM: No idea

MATT: Hey what happens to all our money when the queen dies?

ANA: Oh yeah, good point

MATT: Will all our money have Prince Charles on it?

LAUREN: Yeah

MATT: But, like, say people with change jars, will they still be allowed in banks?

PARDEEP: Of course

MATT: Oh okay, then

ANIS: Does anyone realise that these deaths are following the typical Hollywood movie style that the black people always die first?

ANA: RUDE!!

MATT: Yeah, the darkies always go first

ANIS: Yeah, don’t say darkies.

ANA: Which one’s worse??

MATT: Dude, you always think I’m being racist, I’m scared to even say that I’ve got a ‘coloured’ TV

ANIS: You don’t, anyway

MATT: Truuuuue, but for the purposes of the joke I do. As for this being like Hollywood, I’d be trapped here with a hot chick

LAUREN: Um, thanks!

MATT: No offence

ISIS: Nah, you’re wrong, Frumps died first and she wasn’t black

LAUREN: Her heart was

ANIS: Her teeth were

RAMSEY AND IBRAHIM: Her muff was

MATT: Don’t the forget the hair on her shoulders either

LAUREN: That’s disgusting

ANA: I guess Sabrina, Cleo, and Joel left just in time

FLASHBACK OF THEIR RESIGNATIONS

SABRINA: This isn’t really working out for me, I’m leaving, it’s not worth my time to continue travelling to work here for just four hours, I’m just far too busy.

NEXT FLASHBACK

CLEO: Um, OK, I refuse to work here for another day with that bitch

NEXT FLASHBACK

JOEL: GAP…BYE.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY

LAUREN: They always said how leaving this place was the best thing that ever happened to them

MATT: And Joel’s had a threesome, so…THAT’S…how good it was to leave.

ANA: We should change the subject

MATT: Umm…so Anis, you wouldn’t go out with that girl Nicola because she was a ‘tickler’?

ANIS: Nicola was a tickler

DAVID: And you’re not a stickler for a tickler?

ANIS: NOT a stickler for tickler like Nicola

MATT: You’re not a tickler stickler?

ANIS: NOT a tickler stickler

LAUREN: Stickler?

ISIS: Tickler?

PARDEEP: Nicola?

RAMSEY: Did Nicola let you tickle her?

ANIS: Nicola did NOT let me tickle her

ANA: She sounds pretty fickle

ANIS: Nicola could not get any fickler by not letting me tickle her, and I’m not even a stickler for a tickler like Nicola, SO…

IBRAHIM: Fickler?

ISIS: Tickler?

PARDEEP: Nicola?

SHABANA: Stickler?

MARIGOLD: Tickle her?

MATT: And we haven’t even started on that chick Wendy who wasn’t that trendy but at least she was bendy.

OSCAR: I knew a Heather who wasn’t clever but wore leather

RAMSEY: I knew a Regina with a less-than-finer vagina

IBRAHIM: I knew a Doris with a porous clitoris

ISIS: I knew a Mick with a thick girthy di-

DOMINIK (INTERRUPTING): Can we, sorry…

DAVID: I knew a Renee who turned out to be gay…but hey

MATT: That’s the attitude, dude

ANA: Why are we all rhyming?

LAUREN: In, like, perfect timing?

ANIS: No ideas, queers

MATT: Laoaoaw the insults

DAVID: Nothing rhymes with ‘insults’, you ruined it

MATT: Forget the rhyming, I want to hear more about abusive Youssfe’s girl Doris’s amorphously porously clitorises story.

ANIS: Yeah, sounds gory

PARDEEP: Innit

LAUREN: Don’t tell it, it sounds disgusting

MATT: I feel like rhyming disgusting with discussing but I can’t bothered

ANIS: Yeah it’s getting old now

MATT: Well, like they say: the early bird…catches the worm…which turns…deserves another…biting the dust…is greener on the other side…or get busy dying…and shame the devil……is worth two in the bush…

ISIS: Riiiight

ANA: Back on the subject of who of us could be a murderer…which of is us safe from…

THINKS FOR A SECOND

ANA: …suspection?

PARDEEP: I swear that’s not a word

ANIS: I’m safe because I’d never kill anybody

MATT: No you’re not because you left for a while APPARENTLY getting Shafa and Lauren something from the vending machines

ANIS: Thanks mate.

MATT: No probs

ANIS: Yeah that means it’s me, yeah I definitely did it now with THAT evidence

PARDEEP: Ana, you’re not safe because you disappeared when Isis farted

LAUREN: So did Isis

OSCAR: And Ibrahim

MATT: You left us to look for him…in fact you didn’t return until after we found the body what’s with that?

OSCAR: So it’s not me, because I was not near her when she found

MATT: See, that’s a clue! We’re an awesome team, Anis, Khus is useless!

OSCAR LEAVES

ANIS: Yeah

MATT: We’re the REAL Sherlock and Holmes

DOREEN: It’s Sherlock and Watson

MATT: Yeah, we could start wearing the gear, imagine Khus with a magnifying glass

LAUREN AND OTHER ASSORTED FEMALES GIGGLE USELESSLY AT THE THOUGHT

MATT: I think I’d look cool in Sherlock’s clothes, even his deerstalker hat

ANIS: No offence but you’d look like a freak who is wearing a deerstalker hat

MATT: Thanks mate.

ANA: So that makes me, Anis, Isis, Oscar, Ibrahim

LAUREN: And Matt because he went to get the laptop

MATT: Er, and Lauren for when she got rejected.

LAUREN: Oi!

DAVID: I think that’s it.

LAUREN: Oh yeah, you went down to speak to her, was she alive then?

DAVID: No, I…

ANIS: He got too scared to talk to her

ANA: That could just be a lie, David did it!

MATT: Oh my god!

ANIS: Oh yeaaaaah!

PARDEEP: It’s David!

DAVID: No, I…

ANIS: It’s allllllways the guy you least suspect

MATT: Yep, it’s David.

LAUREN: Or Pardeep, he left at one point for the vending machines

MATT: Wait, so that makes…

ANA: You, me, Lauren, Anis, Pardeep, DAVID, Isis, Oscar, Ibrahim

MATT: And who’s safe?

SHABANA: Me

RAMSEY: Me

BLAKE: Khus, Dominik, Shafa and me.

SHABANA: That’s good, it’s not me, innit

MATT: Let’s get real here, it’s obviously not me, I’m eccentric, and I lie to people for my own amusement, but I’d never have the cojones to actually pull a trigger

LAUREN: I actually think you did it

MATT: You’re not serious?

LAUREN: Ever since you killed that spider, I predicted that you’d move onto bigger creatures

MATT: Oh…I see…that hurts

ANIS: Now you know how it feels to be me.

MATT: What, being rejected and despised?

ANIS: That and being suspected of killing someone

ANA: Well you did hate her

ANIS: Well Frumps, fair enough, I would admit out of everybody who works here, she would get the most guilt free killing, but Delicia and Loic, come on…

DOMINIK: Truesay. Skeen.

ANIS: Why would I ever kill them, they were awesome

ANA: I don’t think Pardeep would do it, he’d just leave

PARDEEP: I reckon it’s Isis

MANY PEOPLE LAUGH

BLAKE: It’s true, Isis could do anything

MATT: Except pass a breathalyser

BLAKE: You’re such an idiot.

ISIS: Oiiiii. I don’t get drunk ALL the time.

ANIS: Just coked up

SOME LAUGH

MATT: Yeah, how’s the smack addiction?

MORE LAUGH.

DAVID: Yeah…heroin addict

LESS LAUGH

MATT: Got any SCAG?

MORE LAUGH

ISIS: It wasn’t me, end of, you cheeky willies

DOREEN: Where’d Oscar go?

ANA: Yeah

ANIS: I don’t think Oscar would have done it, he’s midway to becoming management anyway, he wouldn’t get hassle off her like we do

LAUREN: No, Margaret told me supervisors get it worse

MATT: I bet she was just saying that

ISIS: Nah, I think she was telling the truth

MATT: Where is Oscar, anyway, he’s been really quiet.

DOREEN: I hope he’s back soon

ANA: I hope he’s not dead

MARIGOLD DOES A SMALL SOB OVER THE D WORD USAGE

ANIS: He’ll be fine

ANA: See I’m a suspect, but I don’t think I’ve got any reason to kill her

MATT: Plus, the two of you together in a fight, knob-cementing as it sounds, that in reality would be like a tabby cat versus a hippo

ANA: Hey I’m not that small

ANA’S SUBTLE REBUTTAL IS DROWNED OUT BY LOUDMOUTH LAUREN

LAUREN: Argh, why didn’t we ever call her the Hippo? That’s a wicked nickname

MATT: That’s reserved for Youssfe over there

ISIS: But you already call him Youssfe, why is he a hippo?

MATT: I like to call him ’Ungry ’Ungry ’Ibbo

IBRAHIM: What’s with all these nicknames for me, man?

RAMSEY: He called me ‘512 Megabytes of RAM’ last week

LAUREN: That’s not even a good amount of MB

ANA: He called me ‘Rambana’ last week. I am not Sylvester Stallone!

MATT: Pipe down, ‘256 Megabytes of RAMbana’ It was a Michelle Rodrigues reference

DAVID: Oh I get it…and stop calling me ‘Lurch’

ANIS: Oh yeah, why am I now called ‘Style Cramper’

MATT: You were salting my game with the honeys

LAUREN LAUGHS

MATT: Shut up, Lauren

ANIS: Yeah shut up, Lauren

MATT AND ANIS: Lauren!!

ANA: Back to the point, the only other person left is Ibrahim

MATT: Oh definitely him

SHABANA: Oh god yeah

IBRAHIM: Hey, come on now

RAMSEY: He explained it, the blood.

ANIS: Did he?

MATT: But I’ve forgotten what he said, oi Youssfe!

IBRAHIM: I tripped in the stockroom, cut myself on some pins

ANIS: What is that?

IBRAHIM: What?

ANIS: That!

IBRAHIM: What??

ANIS: That!! That’s a lame arse excuse, like ‘oh I walked into a door’…‘I tripped in the stockroom’, show us the cut then!

IBRAHIM: What?

ANIS: Where the pins pierced you and you were apparently bleeding, show us the cut!

LAUREN AND MATT AND ANA AND SHABANA: Yeah!

IBRAHIM: The cut? Umm…

ANIS: Khus didn’t ask to see the exact place where the blood came from? He’s fucking useless, man!

FROM SEEMINGLY NOWHERE WITH OSCAR

KHUS: It’s not Ibrahim

ANIS: Oh there you are, what makes you say that?

KHUS: I know it’s not Ibrahim, because I know the identity of the killer…

GASP! OO SOME ANSWERS. FADE TO BLACK, END OF PART THREE. FIND OUT MORE IN PART FOUR.

OK, FINE, ANOTHER COUPLE OF PAGES, ONE MORE SCENE, BUT THAT’S IT

LAUREN: Who is it?

KHUS: It is definitely one of us

MATT: Who??

KHUS: It’s not Polish polish

ANA: Who??

ISIS: You could hear that?

PARDEEP: Who??

KHUS: I could hear you all from downstairs.

ISIS: Who??

KHUS: There’s no customers or music playing, I could hear everything

SHABANA: Who??

KHUS: I heard that interesting approach to solving the crimes.

ANIS: Who??

KHUS: But this isn’t Cluedo, rolling the dice will make your dominoes fall like a house of cards, so stick or hit me.

BLAKE: Check MATE

DAVID: Yahtzee…

RAMSEY: Who?

KHUS: Now the killer…

DAVID: Who??

DOMINIK: Truesay.

MARIGOLD (LOOKING FUCK OFF SCARY): WHO??

KHUS: …is Anis!

LAUREN AND ISIS GASP

MATT: That can’t be right, Anis???

ANIS: What the fuck!

KHUS: Oscar just told me that you disappeared from the denim section just before the power failure, and return after the lights came back on

EVERYBODY GASPS AND GIVES ANIS A WIDE BERTH

ANIS IS SPEECHLESS

KHUS: I was racking my brains thinking ‘How on earth could any of the people downstairs have murdered Delicia or Loic?’ Everybody said yes to holding onto their buddy’s hand which led me to believe that either they were all innocent or there were two people working together, who just happened to be buddied up together by chance. I was constantly revising myself saying could Pardeep and Ana have killed everyone, Dominik and Shabana, the just HAPPENED to be put as buddies together? I was full of self doubt over the buddy system but now I see it didn’t fail I was convinced of your innocence because I presumed that if anybody out of the group of four left upstairs, the two deaths would have led a witness to blab, and that’s what's happened now.

ANIS: Oscar you bastard

OSCAR: Sorry, Anis, Frumpy was fine, but Delicia and Loic, no.

ANIS (SLIGHTLY SCOTTISH): What the BLOODY HELL is going on??

KHUS: Your plan would have been foolproof if it hadn’t had been devised and carried out by a fool.

RAMSEY: Did you really kill her?

ANIS: For fuxake NO! Of course I didn’t, and give it a rest, please, Khus, some of us are trying to actually cope with all these deaths, as a person of dark complexion I’m personally worried I’m next.

KHUS: Yes I’m sure you are worried.

BLAKE: You be worried you going to the slammer!

KHUS: Thanks, Ollie

BLAKE: Ah??

KHUS: Blake

BLAKE: Ah

ANIS: I can’t believe you guys are believing this! You’re believing Khus…KHUS!!

KHUS: Your point?

ANIS: This is a man so stupid, he thought Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife, a man so stupid he thought Portia de Rossi was a type of sports car, a man so stupid he thought Mahatma Gandhi was a boxer!

KHUS: Your point?

ANIS: You’re a little pussy man, Mahatma Gandhi would bang you up

KHUS: I know a tonne of 14-year-old girls that could knock you out

ANIS: You know a tonne of 14-year-old girls?

LAUREN (HORRIFIED): You know a tonne of 14-year-old girls?

MATT: Any phone numbers?

ANA PUNCHES MATT SOFTLY ON THE ARM

DOREEN: You’re sooo silly!

KHUS: Just face up to it Anis, the police are going to treat you a lot worse than me, and if we were living in a time of gallows, you’d be well hung in the morning

MATT: He looks…

ANIS (INTERRUPTING): Yes, yes, I look pretty well hung already, ha ha, penis joke, whatever alright, look Khus, you’ve got fuck all against me, I know the real reason you’re targeting me…

KHUS: Indulge us all

ANIS: Shafa

KHUS: Your point?

ANIS: Ever since day 1 I’ve felt you’ve had something against me, and all this time I realise you’re just vying for Shafa’s affections. Well this store isn’t big enough for umbrellas, let alone the two of us.

KHUS: Interesting, I’ve mentioned no desire to have her and here you are bringing her up, when you are confronted with the overwhelming evidence that above all of us here, YOU are a killer Ah-nis Alamgir

ANIS: Overwhelming evidence?? There’s no fucking evidence!! Go fuck yourself!!

ANIS STORMS OFF TO WOMENS

MATT: Khus, you’re a spatula-faced friendless gay horse-humping hairy sperminated toad sperm

KHUS: At least I’m fertile

MATT FOLLOWS AFTER ANIS

MATT: Dude, you OK, man? Don’t take it badly, I trust you, man, we all do

ANIS: Nah, I can’t stand this place any more, I’m quitting, first thing tomorrow

MATT: OK, man I know you’ve got to do what you feel you have to…I’ll be with everyone else in Men’s if you want to talk.

ANIS MOODILY KICKS A HANGER ACROSS THE FLOOR. IT HITS A MANNEQUIN...WAIT A MINUTE, SINCE WHEN DO MANNEQUINS WEAR HOODIES? THE MANNEQUIN COMES TO LIFE. IT IS A HUMAN, WHOSE FACE IS OBSCURED BY THE HOODY. WE DO NOT SEE WHO IT IS. ANIS REACTS IN SURPRISE.

ANIS: Oh it’s you, come on give me some space for a bit, I need some time alone.

THE HOODIED PERSON UNSHEAFS A KNIFE FROM THE FRONT POCKET

ANIS: What the hey?

THE HOODIED PERSON RUNS AT ANIS. ANIS REACTS QUICKLY AND DODGES A STAB FROM THE KNIFE. HE PUSHES THE KNIFE ARM AWAY SHOUTING

ANIS: Get away from me you psycho!

HE KNOCKS OVER A T STAND WHICH MAKES THE HOODIED PERSON FALL OVER. ANIS RUNS TO THE LIFT FOR HIS LIFE AND REPEATEDLY PRODS THE CALL LIFT BUTTON

ANIS: Come on, come on!

THE LIFT ARRIVES SAYING WHAT FLOOR HE’S ON.

ANIS: Thank you!

HE RUNS IN AND REPEATEDLY POUNDS AGAINST THE BUTTON FOR THE NEXT FLOOR.

LIFT: This lift is out of service.

ANIS: Nooooooooo!!

IT IS TOO LATE FOR ANIS. THE HOODIED PERSON TAKES THE KNIFE AND STABS ANIS IN THE COLLARBONE. ANIS LOOKS AT THE KNIFE AND YELLS HORRIFIED. THE KILLER PULLS OUT THE KNIFE AT THEN STABS HIM IN THE HEART

ANIS (SLIGHTLY HOARSE): Sonofabitch.

ANIS HAS A SMALL VISION OF HIM RIDING A HORSE WITH TERENCE TRENT D’ARBY – WISHING WELL PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

ANIS DIES.

DAMN, I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS HIM. WELL, HE SEEMS TO BE RIGHT ABOUT PEOPLE DYING IN ORDER OF SHADE. WATCH OUT, MARIGOLD AND RAMSEY. WILL THEY DIE? OR WILL THEY STAY ALIVE? OR WILL THEY BE UNMASKED AS THE MURDERER? OR WILL THEY DIE? OH WAIT, I ALREADY ASKED THAT, AH HELL I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT, THERE, WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH, FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IN PART FOUR OF ‘BLOOD ON THE SHOP FLOOR’ RELEASED THURSDAY 27 MARCH.

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Two

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Two


SCENE 1: INT THE STORE’S MEN’S SECTION IN FRONT OF STAIRS. GATHERED ARE ANIS, LAUREN, ISIS, AND OSCAR. EVERYONE IS GROUCHY.

LAUREN: So who do you reckon did it?
ISIS: You mean me?
LAUREN: Yeah
ISIS: Well I don’t know
OSCAR: Well you were there
ISIS: I wasn’t there, I found her
ANIS: Yeah, you found her
ISIS: I had nothing to do with this
ANIS: You knew the code
ISIS: And so did all of you! What’s to say she didn’t just let the killer in when he knocked. I think it was Ibrahim who did it.
OSCAR: Why?
ISIS: He’s creepy
LAUREN: And did you see the blood on his shoulder? How did that get there I wonder? Hmm…
ANIS: But why would he kill her, he’s got a lame reason to kill her – if any! I had a much better reason to kill her
FROM SEEMINGLY NOWHERE WITH BLAKE
KHUS: Which was?
ANIS GULPS. WHAT A PUSSY, IT’S ONLY KHUS.
ANIS: Now, look, saying I have a better reason to kill her doesn’t mean I actually went through with it. Sure, I didn’t want to be friends with her but that doesn’t mean I killed her
KHUS: You know, I noticed something earlier when we discovered the body.
BLAKE: What?
KHUS: Delicia said ‘What the hell’, Ramsey asked ‘How the hell’, and Matt asked ‘Who the hell’. Blake asked ‘WHEN the hell’ a very good question, and partly why I’ve taken him on as an aide, but I noticed no one asked ‘WHY the hell’
ANIS: And?
KHUS: It seems that everyone thought there was an obvious answer as to WHY this woman was shot in the face. Well, only when we have the ‘why’ am I going to find out who and learn the when. We already know what the hell and how the hell. So, I leave you with the question of ‘WHY the hell’
ISIS: What??
KHUS: We’re going to go round the room and each of you is going to give me a reason WHY she would be murdered, starting with you, Isis
ISIS: Umm…she wasn’t very nice
KHUS: Perfect, now you, Oscar
OSCAR: She always put people on rubbish shifts
KHUS: You, Lauren
LAUREN: She made working here a stressful environment
KHUS: Anis?
ANIS THINKS
ANIS: She was a bitch
BLAKE: You want a reason from me?
KHUS: No, you’re fine, Blake, (TURNING TO GROUP) Well…a dazzling array of motives all coming under one heading, starting with Isis’ point: she wasn’t very nice. No, she wasn’t, and do you think, perhaps that if she had been nicer she would still be alive
LAUREN: That’s unfair, we don’t know why they killed her
KHUS: They?
ANIS: Most certainly yes
EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM
ANIS: If she had been a bit nicer, someone would not have graffitied on the fridge, we wouldn’t have stayed here locked in with her for someone to kill her.
BLAKE: He has a point
KHUS: He has a hunch, and it is as flabby as a French bell ringer. Anis,
ANIS: What?
KHUS: Do you like olives?
ANIS: What??
KHUS: Olives, are the largest natural export of Morocco, and are distributed from one tiny village to the rest of the world for oil
ISIS: Oil?
KHUS: Not the kind of oil they start wars over, olive oil. You squish grapes to make wine; you squish olives to make oil. Wine is more expensive, and classy. There is far less wine made each year than olive oil and yet they charge more for wine. You know why?
ANIS: Look this is getting us nowh-
KHUS: Please do not interrupt me when I am asking obviously rhetorical questions. They charge more for wine because a grape is far more desirable than an olive. Anis is an olive in a grapevine. He is embittered, sour, and discardable
ANIS: Where the fuck do you get off?
KHUS: Such a temper over such a small insult. I wonder what a consistent spate of verbal abuse and dressing down would force you to do?
ANIS STANDS UP
ANIS: You beat a dog, it will bite back
KHUS: Down boy
KHUS STANDS UP. IT’S FAR MORE IMPRESSIVE BECAUSE OF HIS HEIGHT.
ANIS: Can’t you at least throw me a bone?
KHUS: No, her bark was only worse than her bite
ANIS: Fine, put me into the dog house
KHUS: I’m not the kind to let sleeping dogs lie
ANIS: Why are you sticking up for the bitch?
KHUS: Because she got put down!
ANIS: And you just wanted to play fetch, well watch out for her fleas!
KHUS: At least one of us gets to do it doggy style!
ISIS: Guys, sit!
KHUS SIGHS.
KHUS: Anis, you’re not being entirely truthful, and that has seriously ruined any credibility you have with me.
BLAKE: Yeah! Ruined any credibility with Khus.
ANIS: I don’t have to fucking impress you
KHUS. Right. Now, Oscar, you disappeared just before the body was found. Where did you go?
OSCAR: I was looking for Ibrahim
KHUS: And where did you look?
OSCAR: I looked in the stockroom, accessories, everywhere
KHUS: And what reason, if any, would you have for killing your boss? Before you said ‘assigning people rubbish shifts’ did she ever assign you a rubbish shift?
OSCAR: Of course, but you know, I did not do anything to her.
KHUS: Hmm I’ll be watching you, Oscar, I suspect you’re not being entirely truthful
BLAKE: Yeah! He be watching you
KHUS: Now, Isis, you found the body, yes?
ISIS: Yeah
KHUS: I want you to tell me everything that happened up to when you found the body.
ISIS: Well, Oscar was missing for quite a while, looking for Ibrahim, and I went to the manager’s office and knocked on the door because…she…hadn’t been seen for, like, ages, so I just knocked and there was no answer.
KHUS: Go on
ISIS: Well then, because I knew the code, I got the door open, and then I saw her and it was the most scariest thing in my life
KHUS: Are you sure you’re not leaving anything out? Like, how when you farted earlier and left everybody upstairs, what did you do then?
ISIS: I swear on my mum’s life
BLAKE: Khus.
KHUS: No, Isis, tell me what happened during that unwitnessed absence?
BLAKE: Khus! You’re not asking Isis any more questions she’s been through enough this night
LAUREN: You’re mean
ANIS: He’s a dick
KHUS WALKS OVER TO ANIS AND SUCKER PUNCHES HIM
KHUS: I apologise if I did not make myself clearer earlier. Allow myself to introduce…me…self…my name is Khusrao Hakimi and I’m responsible for the wellbeing of this store, and like it or not, you all are going to tell me the truth, and you will give me answers. Until then, you’re going to keep your mouth shut.
ANIS IS TOO WINDED TO REPLY
KHUS: Now Lauren, you’re next.
LAUREN: Ok…
KHUS: Now after the group, mostly led by Anis, ostracised you, you disappeared from the rest of the group. Where did you go, and what did you do there?
LAUREN: I went downstairs, and did nothing else.
KHUS: You’re lying
LAUREN: I’m not!
KHUS: Well you’re concealing the truth at the least.
LAUREN: I’m actually not
KHUS: Oh I believe you went downstairs, but you did not do nothing. Lauren, you said a reason for killing her would be because she made working here a ‘stressful environment’. Would that hold up in court?
LAUREN: That’s not fair
KHUS: Life’s not fair. This woman went round doing her job and she got killed for her troubles.
ANIS: Are you insane?? She was a total cow! She wanted to get rid of everyone who had experience, like me, Lauren, Matt, Shabana, even you!
KHUS: And why’s that?
ANIS: Because we know what it’s like to be under a competent manager! She definitely made working here a stressful environment, handing out punishments wilily nillily, behaving so fake to everybody, just thinking she was above all of us, and never stopping to hear any of us out when we were in trouble.
KHUS: Like it or not, Anis, you are paid here to work, and do you not think that someone who is not working, does not need to be paid?
ANIS: But –
KHUS: And following that, is it not preferable to be punished rather than not get paid? As for thinking that she was of a higher status than the rest of us, get real. In this store she was the manager, out on the street, she’s just another carbon blob. As for being fake, I will be surprised to see you handle delegating tasks to the likes of people like Dominik and Matt without coming off patronising and superficial.
LAUREN: Yeah, but other managers do it just fine
KHUS: She is not other managers, she was the store manager
ANIS: WAS the store manager
KHUS: That’s…what I said
ANIS: Yeeeeah, addition by subtraction
KHUS: What does that even mean?
ANIS: You know, you are worse than her, we’ve been working together for almost three years, I never knew there was this side to you
KHUS: That’s because you are arrogant, like an olive
BLAKE: Yeah! Like an olive!
KHUS: Anis, when was the last time I gave truly you advice?
ANIS: Never. Oh wait, I’m thinking of the last time I truly took it.
KHUS: Well, it’s about time you should. Let me tell you this: you can't possibly overestimate how much you underestimate me, and if you're under the impression you'll overwhelm me with your little stunts, understand this: I'll be all over you the minute you try. I'm not your underling in here, you have nothing over me. And under the heading of…
ANIS: There are just far too many overs and unders going on here. My point is this: you’re a sad little arrogant jerk.
KHUS: I object to the term ‘little’ and my arrogance is only anticipatory. It coincides with the prospect that you are a murderer and a certain douche.
ANIS: You’re the douche, ‘Kouche’
SILENT PAUSE. LAUREN IS FIGHTING BACK THE URGE TO SAY ‘OOOO’
KHUS: And so’s yer face
BLAKE HAS TO COME BETWEEN THEM TO STOP ANOTHER MURDER

SCENE 2 INT THE STORE’S KIDS SECTION WHERE WE LEFT ANA, PARDEEP, MATT, LOIC, DELICIA, MARIGOLD, SHABANA, RAMSEY, IBRAHIM, DOMINIK, DAVID, AND DOREEN.

MATT: Man, they’re taking a while. How does Khus know it’s one of them?
MARIGOLD: Can we please change the subject, please?
MATT: A-Z game?
DOREEN: No one wants to play that stupid game
MATT: Right…
PARDEEP: What’s the time?
DELICIA: It’s half 12, I’m tired, you know,
MATT: We’re all shattered man…Ana, pull up your jeans
ANA: Why?
MATT: We can see your waist, man
PARDEEP: What?
BLAKE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS
BLAKE: Khus is coming in a minute, he’s been pretty tough on people he suspects, which is everybody, you know, watch your step with him, I think he’s been hit hard by what’s happened
ANA: We all have, what’s his deal?
MATT: Maybe it’s because he never thought a manager would die
RAMSEY: Maybe he liked her
IBRAHIM: Nah, no one would like her
LOIC: Truesay
BLAKE: Well, I dunno, just take it easy, try not to get too…you know
SHABANA: Ok…
MATT: Look everyone, let’s not knob two bitches with the same johnny
DELICIA: What??
ANA: Yeah, what the hell?
BLAKE: Oh, here he comes
KHUS COMES DOWN THE STAIRS. HE LOOKS IMPRESSIVE
MATT: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Inspector Clousseau
KHUS: That’s Khusrao
MATT: Whoops…sorry, they sound very similar
ANA: Where’s Oscar and that?
KHUS: Upstairs. Well I’m sure all of you must be feeling quite discomfited at the moment. I’m pleased to see that you all appear to have remained calm in lieu of this tragedy. I do have a chief suspect at the moment, but for now I’d just like to get everybody buddied up in a group of two to minimise any more incidents.
RAMSEY: Incidents?
KHUS: Ramsey, you can be buddied up with Ibrahim, Ana go with Pardeep, Matt go with David, Marigold go with Doreen, Delicia go with Loic, and Shabana you’re left with Dominik. You will stay with your buddy at all times, and this will help you avoid any accidents, because at least your buddy will protect you…right…um…everybody pair up
MARIGOLD: (KISSES TEETH) I want to be with Loic
DELICIA: Haha shame
MARIGOLD: This is bullshit. Bullshit!
THEY ALL PAIR UP
KHUS: Ibrahim, let’s have it.
IBRAHIM: Huh?
KHUS: You left the shop floor for a long time and when you returned, you had distinctive blood spots on your jumper. I want to know everything that happened when you left the shop floor.
IBRAHIM: Look, yeah, Isis, farted yeah, and I ain’t gonna stick around to inhale her fuckin’ butt breath, man, so I walked
MATT AND PARDEEP: Innit man.
KHUS: Then what happened?
IBRAHIM: (KISSES TEETH) Look yeah, I’m not comfortable answering these questions
KHUS: Comfortable? Little pussy want a lawyer? Get real.
IBRAHIM: You suspect me, innit, Blake said that you get hard on interrogation when you suspect them
MATT WHISPERS TO DAVID
MATT: He said hard on
DAVID: Yeah, I, yeah…
KHUS: Stop whispering. I hope you heard that I ‘get hard on’ people I suspect.
MATT GRINS
KHUS: Seeing as I suspect all of you, don’t expect to me to go soft at any time
MATT: We won’t
DELICIA SEES MATT GRINNING AND STARTS TO SMILE IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT SOMEONE JUST DIED. PARDEEP AND ANA THINK HE’S BEING AN IDIOT. DOREEN LOOKS LIKE SHE WANTS TO HIT SOMEONE. MARIGOLD HASN’T GOT TIME FOR THIS. DAVID IS SHAKING HIS HEAD
MATT: Khus?
KHUS: What?
MATT: So you’re saying you’re going to be hard all night?
KHUS: You won’t know what hit you
MATT IS GOING TO LOSE HIS SHIT GIGGLING. IT’S REALLY NOT THAT FUNNY. I’M NOT EVEN SURE I GET IT
KHUS: Matt?
MATT: What?
KHUS: What’s it like having bigger tits than your mother?
PARDEEP LAUGHS. DELICIA AND ANA ARE EMBARRASSED FOR MATT.
DAVID: Whoa
MATT: You mother fucker
KHUS: Logically it’s the only way I’d know for sure
MATT: You Sonofabitch!
KHUS: I can’t help think that you are talking about yourself. Hey, Matt, knock knock,
MATT: Fuck off
KHUS: Knock Knock!
MATT: Who’s there?
KHUS: Me, the guy who fucked your mother
BLAKE: Khus! Stop it man, what’s wrong with you, can you just be impassive like you are normally? You can’t expect to find out what happened from people if you insult them all the time.
KHUS: Maybe if I wasn’t surrounded by murderous morons, I’d mellow myself out, but my mind is made: Matt’s immaturity makes me mad. Mired in motives miraculously made from mere dark matter, this makes things all the more madcap.
PARDEEP WHISPERING: What the fuck is he on?
KHUS: Anyway passing over this alliterative hiccup, could I please be allowed to continue my investigation without anymore immature whispering, please, Matt?
MATT OPENS MOUTH TO GIVE A DEFIANT RESPONSE BUT DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO ANSWER
KHUS: Ibrahim, you’ve had ample time to think of a good cover story over the past two minutes explaining what happened after you left the ‘gas chamber’ upstairs.
MATT WANTS TO LAUGH BUT HE’S STILL ANNOYED. YOU DON’T CUSS PEOPLE’S MUMS, MAN.
KHUS: We’re all ears, Ibrahim
IBRAHIM LOOKS ROUND
IBRAHIM: Fuck it, I tried going out the back way to have a cigarette but it was locked. I tried going to the stockroom, just where the mens denim is kept, and I was down there smoking. Don’t no one tell no one please, I was just getting stressed waiting to be punished for something I didn’t even do. I know none of you…believe me or…like me, but I’m telling the gods honest truth, I swear down now. Look you can smell the smoke on me.
KHUS: I believe you, Ibrahim
IBRAHIM: Thank you, I’m not even, like, a violent person, I wouldn’t even sleeper hold someone from behind, let alone shoot someone
MATT QUIETLY: Oh that is such bullshit,
MARIGOLD OVERHEARS THIS AND WHISPERS
MARIGOLD: I think it’s him
DELICIA: I think it’s him, too
MATT: AND the smell of smoke can be explained by the gun smoke! It ALL fits!
PARDEEP: What’s going on with everybody upstairs, Khus?
KHUS: I think everyone up there has a reason to have murdered her
BLAKE: No, not EVERYBODY upstairs
PAUSE
KHUS: Right, but don’t think that all of you are off scot free. You all have a reason to kill her, it’s just they knew the code to the office.
DOREEN: When’s Oscar and everybody coming back?
KHUS: For now, I want them separate from the group. It helps if we’re in smaller groups it’s less easy to panic
MARIGOLD: I really don’t think that makes sense.
KHUS: Trust me, you’ll see.
DELICIA: Riiight.
MATT: I think this is such a waste, man
PARDEEP: What?
KHUS: Ramsey, you haven’t been your usual chatty self.
RAMSEY: I don’t feel the need to talk for the sake of talking
KHUS: I see, where does that come from?
RAMSEY: I’ve always been pretty good at dealing with tragedy.
KHUS: And where does that come from?
RAMSEY: Well, when I was younger, I had an accident, and I just learned to deal with it
KHUS: What happened?
RAMSEY: It involved a bear attack in Canada, my parents got badly hurt.
MATT: What happened, did the bear maul you?
RAMSEY IS SILENT
MATT: Oh…
BLAKE: Ohh…
DELICIA: Ohhh…
LOIC: Ohhhh…
DOREEN: OHHHH…
MARIGOLD: OHHHHH…
ANA: Oh.
KHUS: Well, you have our sympathies, but let’s crack on and not deal with ancient history. There comes a time in someone’s life where someone as…extrovert as yourself can tend to lash out in unpredictable ways…can you tell me sincerely that you had nothing, and I mean nothing to do with today’s event
RAMSEY: I didn’t
KHUS: You’re telling me you didn’t, are you Ramsey?
RAMSEY: That’s right
KHUS: You didn’t have anything to do with the murder tonight?
RAMSEY: I’m telling the truth
KHUS: Are you?
RAMSEY: Yes.
KHUS: I’m going to ask you one more time. Did you have anything to do with her death, perhaps not murdering her yourself but is there maybe any other outside information you have that may have lead to her death, you can say absolutely nothing?
RAMSEY: Well, actually…
SUDDENLY THERE IS A MASSIVE POWERCUT. THEY ARE ALL PLUNGED INTO DARKNESS. THERE’S A LOT OF SCREAMING. KHUS IS HEARD OVER EVERYBODY
KHUS: EVERYBODY HOLD YOUR BUDDIES HAND!
MATT: Can we not, that’s so gay
KHUS: Quiet down, everybody please!
THERE’S SOME HEAVY BREATHING FROM ALL ASSEMBLED. WHEN IT CALMS DOWN…
…KHUS ASKS: Is everybody holding your buddy’s hand?
EVERYBODY: Yes
KHUS: Ah phew, we’re all OK then. The buddy system: it’s foolproof, nothing can touch it.
BLAKE: What’s your plan, Khus?
KHUS: I’m going to go in the room next to the LP’s office, and try to restore the store’s emergency regenerator.
BLAKE: Isn’t it locked?
KHUS: Nah, they don’t bother locking it anymore, but even so, it wouldn’t be a problem, this store’s doors are pitifully weak.
KHUS LEAVES
PARDEEP: This has been some rare bare next night blood, s’all rare-tare-tare and heavy and shit and waste and ting
RAMSEY: Kna’a’t’a’mean?
MATT: Man I got shit scared when those lights went out man,
SHABANA: Yeah I know, innit, my heart was beating
ANA: Seriously?
DAVID: Shock.
DOMINIK: I’m so scared
IBRAHIM: The lights just went out, why’y’r’ll bein’ pussies, man?
MARIGOLD: You’re so stupid, first of all, someone’s died, meaning someone got killed and when the lights go out when there’s a killer in the building that’s generally cause for some fright
DOREEN: Just shut up, Ibrahim, if you’re not gonna help
MATT: I know why Youssfe wasn’t scared, because the killer has nothing to fear
IBRAHIM: Shut up, man, what you saying, that the only reason I’m not scared the lights went off is because I’m the killer, isn’t it?
MATT: You’re damn right about it, mate
RAMSEY: Don’t be stupid, there aren’t going to be any more murders now that she’s dead.
THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON. DELICIA AND LOIC HAVE BEEN SHOT. THEY ARE PRETTY DEAD. BUGGER, THERE’S NOTHING TO PROTECT THE BUDDY SYSTEM WHEN BOTH BUDDIES ARE DEAD. ANA NOTICES THIS FIRST AT LOOKS AT THEM BLANKLY. AFTER FOUR SECONDS SHE STARTS TO STUTTER. EVERYONE LOOKS WHERE SHE’S LOOKING. RAMSEY’S FACE IS MINGLED WITH SHOCK AND FEAR, IBRAHIM SCOWLS BUT A TEAR POPS OUT OF AN EYE, DAVID CUPS HIS HAND TO HIS MOUTH AND SHUTS HIS EYES, MATT BITES HIS KNUCKLE AND HIS KNEES KNOCK TOGETHER SO MUCH HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO FALL TO THE FLOOR IN A SITTING POSITION, DOREEN IMMEDIATELY STARTS CRYING, PARDEEP’S JAW IS HANGING AGAPE, MARIGOLD TAKES ALL THIS IN AND STARTS SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE. THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME FOR THE VOLUME OF THE CAST TO BE DIMINUENDOED AS SIGUR ROS - HOPPIPOLLA BEGINS AND CRESCENDOES OVER THE REACTIONS OF THE SHOCKED ASSEMBLED STAFF. DURING THE SONG’S QUIETER MOMENT WHERE THE PIANO KEYS GET SLOWER AND THE SINGER’S VOICE SAYS ‘HOPPIPOLLA’ WE LEAVE THE SCENE ON MARIGOLD’S FACE LOOKING LIKE A WATERFALL. FADE TO BLACK.
WELL IT’S A PRETTY SOMBRE MOMENT, PEOPLE ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT THOSE TWO, WHO WOULD BE MAD ENOUGH TO KILL OFF SUCH A PAIR WHEN RAMSEY AND IBRAHIM WERE IN THE SAME ROOM? I’M NOT SAYING ANYTHING, I’M JUST MENTIONING, YOU KNOW.

WHO KILLED THEM? IS THIS THE SAME KILLER OR ARE THERE NOW TWO KILLERS? WHY KILL DELICIA WHEN DOMINIK WAS RIGHT THERE? WHAT WAS RAMSEY ABOUT TO SAY? DESPITE HAVING CRAP PEOPLE SKILLS, DOES THIS MEAN KHUS IS ACTUALLY SHAPING UP TO BE A GOOD DETECTIVE? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK IN PART THREE OF ‘BLOOD ON THE SHOP FLOOR’ RELEASED THURSDAY 20 MARCH

The GAP Murder Mystery: Blood on the Shop Floor: part 1

Blood on the Shop Floor: Part One

Starring:

Jake Gyllenhaal as Anis

George Clooney as Khus

Alicia Silverstone as Lauren

Christopher Walken as Isis

Anthony Anderson as Blake

Heath Ledger as Oscar

Whitney Huston as Doreen

Queen Latifah as Marigold

Sylvester Stallone as Ana

Robert Knepper as Pardeep

David Cross as Ramsey

Michael Cera as David

Kanye West as Joel

Eva Mendes as Cleo

Jada Pinkett-Smith as Sabrina

Nestor Carbonell as Matt

Christian Bale as Dominik

Christian Slater as Ibrahim

Jennifer Hudson as Delicia

Erik King as Loic

Poojah Shah as Shafa

Salma Hayek as Shabana

Kathy Bates as

SCENE 1: INT A RETAIL STORE’S MEN’S SECTION IN FRONT OF STAIRS. GATHERED ARE RAMSEY, KUSH, ANIS, MATT, BLAKE, LAUREN, ISIS, ANA, DELICIA, OSCAR, IBRAHIM, MARIGOLD, DAVID, LOIC, DOMINIK, PARDEEP, DOREEN, SHAFA AND SHABANA. EVERYONE IS GROUCHY.

LAUREN: UGH!!...She’s such a loser.

MATT: Unbelievable.

PARDEEP: She’s a little bitch, man

IBRAHIM: I know

MATT: I honestly wish she was dead, she’s such a Dickface

MARIGOLD: I really don’t see the point of this, she can’t keep us here all night

DOREEN: Yeah, though, what’s actually going on, because this is ridiculous

LAUREN: Who do you reckon actually did it?

ANA: She probably did it herself just so she could keep us behind

SHAFA: I think Kush did it (giggles)

(EVERYBODY LAUGHS)

OSCAR: I don’t know who did it, but it’s one of the people here. Maybe is Karen, I don’t know

ANIS: This is a fucking joke, she can’t keep us here all night, what the hell’s taking her so long? Keeping us after work, we’re not fucking in year 6

MATT: Yeah, we’re not fucking 10 years old

DAVID: Yeah, we’re not…fucking…in school

(LAUREN, SHAFA, ISIS, AND ANA LAUGH SOFTLY)

MATT: She’s such a bitch, man, how does this help anybody? The gimp who did it isn’t going to come forward (looks at watch) she’s been down there for half an hour.

BLAKE: I’m so bored

MATT: A-Z game?

LAUREN: Alright

MATT: What category?

DELICIA: Let’s do animals

MATT: Alright cool, everybody, let’s go round, everybody, who wants to start?

IBRAHIM: I’ll start…A…A, man…I’ve gone blank, wait, animal, ah this is hard man, wait, er, Arachnid

SHABANA: Bird

DOMINIK: Er, sorry, no, sorry, no, sorry, you do, sorry, no

SHAFA: Cat

DAVID: Dog

DOREEN: Egg

ANIS AND MATT: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

OSCAR AND MARIGOLD: Doreen!

LAUREN AND RAMSEY: Egg??

BLAKE: Oh my god, man, this game’s sick

MATT: Wait, are we allowed music? Let me go get my laptop

OSCAR: I don’t think so

LAUREN: Noooooo don’t play your gay music

MATT: Ah come on, she’s taking forever

ANIS: His music’s not gay, Lauren

DOREEN: Yeah, Lauren

IBRAHIM: Go get your laptop, is new Lost out?

OSCAR: No I don’t want to be spoiled

ANA: Yeah, me too

MATT: Look I wont spoil anything

PARDEEP: You got new Prison Break? nah I’ll watch it at home

DAVID: Prison Break’s finished

PARDEEP: When’s Heroes coming back?

ANIS: Heroes is shit

MATT: Nah, I’m gonna go get my laptop, I’m bored shitless.

MATT LEAVES

DOREEN: Are we still doing A-Z?

LAUREN: …fish

ISIS: I’ve got one for G

ANA: Gorilla

ISIS: Now I’m on H, what animal begins with an H?

DAVID: Hamster

IBRAHIM: Well now she can’t get it, that was the only one that begins with H

EVERYBODY THINKS

PARDEEP: I’m gonna get a drink

SHAFA: Get me one, please

PARDEEP: Negative

PARDEEP LEAVES

MATT RETURNS WITH LAPTOP

OSCAR: You got Lost on there?

MATT: Does Annie turn me on?

ANIS: Ah Annie…

MANY LOOK AT DAVID, DAVID SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS AT HIS FEET. HE LOOKS UP GRINNING SHEEPISHLY.

DAVID: Yes, Annie

RAMSEY: Oh yeah, you, like, loved her didn’t you?

MATT: And so did any straight man and lesbian in this godforsaken place

ANIS: She was amazing

MARIGOLD: Who is this Annie, I never saw her,

ANA: Yeah that’s because David asked her out

ASSEMBLED PEOPLE LAUGH

LAUREN: And scared her off

RAMSEY: David’s such a player

LAUREN: Hardly, she must have been terrified because she left the next day.

MATT: Come to think of it, this a scary place, you always get smelly Arabs giving you dirty looks,

LAUREN: Remember Alex?

ANIS: Ugh and Kamil

MATT: Not to mention Sam

SHABANA AND LAUREN LAUGH. IT TAKES SHAFA A LITTLE LONGER TO REMEMBER THE HORROR OF SAM BEFORE SHE SAYS

SHAFA: Oh god Sam, he was so gay

PARDEEP RETURNS. DOREEN BEGINS PLAYING WITH OSCAR’S HAIR

PARDEEP: Ah Sam, the best manager, man

ANIS: You must be joking

MATT: He’s right, Sam Barnes WAS the coolest manger, Karen comes second

OSCAR: Oh my god, you remember his surname?

LAUREN: I’d give anything to have him back: ‘Ooooonnnhhh’

SHAFA: Instead of this fat bitch

ANIS: Ooo out come the claws, that’s chappin’ bruuuuuv

MATT: Cha’mean?

MATT AND ANIS: Abaaaaaaaht

LAUREN: That’s so random

ANIS: And so’s yer face

LAUREN: You’re so stupid

EVERYBODY ELSE: And so’s yer face!

ANIS STANDS UP

ANIS: Does anyone want anything from the vending machines?

SHAFA: A coke please

LAUREN: I want some chocolate

ANIS: You want some chocolate? Hear that Ramsey? Lauren wants some chocolate, that’s your cue.

MATT: ’Allo, ’allo, ’allo

ANIS: Shafa, you can buy the drink yourself

IBRAHIM: What?

LAUREN: Oi, I thought you’re meant to be her husband

ANIS: I’m joking

ANIS LEAVES

IBRAHIM: Matt, put Lost on

LAUREN: Noooooooo, put Rapper’s Delight on

MATT: Ah gay, my battery died

BLAKE: You say gay a lot, you know that?

MATT: What’s your point, just because I say it resplendently abundantly it doesn’t necessarily mean I am

ANA: Why the long words?

BLAKE: My point is that we’re all here because someone graffitied ‘Karen’s gaaaaaaaaaaaaay’ on the fridge, and I think it was you

MARIGOLD: It was you, wasn’t it?

MATT REDDENS

MATT: It definitely wasn’t me…TRUST!

ISIS BURPS. MANY LOOK AT HER. DOMINIK IS DISGUSTED AND GIVES HER A DIRTY LOOK

ISIS: Sorryyyy

OSCAR: Isis, you so rude

ISIS FARTS

PARDEEP: Oh my god!

BLAKE: Rah girl, go to the toilet or something.

ISIS THINKS STAYING THERE AMIDST THE FUG IS A BAD IDEA AND GOES.

ANA: Yeah, I’m going too

IBRAHIM EVACUATES AND ANA LEAVES. LAUREN LOOKS BORED. EVERYBODY ELSE WRINKLES THEIR NOSE AT THE SMELL

MATT: Well I guess the saying’s true: big things come in small packages

NO ONE LAUGHS. ANIS RETURNS.

ANIS: God, what the hell is that?

MATT: Remember that dream I had where Ana farted and everybody had to evacuate?

LAUREN: That was so random

SHAFA: Randooooom

LAUREN: Randooooom

MATT AND ANIS MOCKINGLY: Randooooom

DAVID: Where the hell is this bitch?

MANY ARE AMAZED

SHAFA: That’s so big of you David

MATT (TO ANIS): I think she means vehement

DOREEN: He’s right, though, why hasn’t she come up the stairs?

DAVID: I’m going to march right down there…and…march her right up here…mark my…words…dammit

MATT: Good luck

DAVID MARCHES DOWN TO THE MANAGERS OFFICE UNSEEN

ISIS RETURNS

ISIS: Where’s David going?

RAMSEY: He’s going to slay the dragon

ISIS: He’s wanking?

LAUREN, SHAFA, MATT AND ANIS TITTER

PARDEEP: He’s gone to get the Bitch

ANIS: Isis, man, perhaps you should seek some help with your internal plumbing, y’kn’a’m’say’n?

KHUS: Is it ok if I go over here?

MATT: Yeah, Isis, Lauren says your new nickname is Bagpipe

LAUREN: What?? No I didn’t!

MATT: Shut up, Lauren!

ANIS: Yeah, shut up Lauren!

PARDEEP: Yeah, give it a rest Lauren!

EVERYONE JOINS IN

OSCAR AND RAMSEY: Lauren!

SHAFA: (DOING AN IMPRESSION OF GUILIANA) Laaaaaaaareeenn

LAUREN IS UNABLE TO PROTEST BECAUSE SHE IS LAUGHING

MARIGOLD: Yeah, Lauren, giving her nicknames

ISIS: Why are you sooo mean?

ANIS: Chamean?

MATT AND ANIS: Abaaaaaaaht!!

ANA COMES UP THE STAIRS

ANA: Are we all taking the mick out of Lauren or something

RAMSEY: No, Lauren was taking the piss out of Isis, as usual

LAUREN: I was not!! Ugh!!! You’re all such a bunch of loooooooosers

MATT AND ANIS: Suuuuuuuubaaaaa!!!

EVERYBODY LAUGHS

LAUREN: Ugh!!

SHE GOES DOWNSTAIRS TO COOL OFF FOR A BIT.

MATT SPOTS DELICIA LAUGHING AND IMMEDIATELY PUTS ON A STERN EXPRESSION

MATT: What are you laughing at?

DELICIA STOPS LAUGHING, PERTURBED. MATT GIVES HER A HARD STARE BEFORE CRACKING UP LAUGHING. DELICIA ROLLS HER EYES.

DAVID COMES BACK UP THE STAIRS

OSCAR: David, how did it go?

DAVID: Ah I couldn’t do it, what if she shouted at me for bothering

SHAFA: Wait, someone just explain why we’re here again.

BLAKE: Someone graffitied ‘Karen’s gaaaaaaaay’ on the wall, and as punishment we have to stay behind.

SHAFA: So we’re being punished? But this is fun isn’t it? I’m having a good time.

ANIS: Yeah, I enjoy the company and everything, but this is wrong,

PARDEEP: It’s an intrusion, that’s what it is

ANIS: Some of us have homes to go to, it’s overstepping her boundaries. She does my head in, man ‘You’re all going to stay until the guilty person admits to it. If people think they have a right to damage company property, they can either stay the night or they can leave and never come back’

SHABANA: I wish she would leave and never come back

ANIS: Oooo I see what you did there: clever.

OSCAR: That’s mean

ANIS: No, I’m seriously pissed off, I’m fumin’, it’s 11.30 on Saturday, I should be at home watching Match Of The Day, I haven’t even called my mum to tell her I’m going to home late,

SHAFA: She IS a bitch

ANIS: I’m starving, asides from breakfast I’ve only had some Maccy Ds and this Twix. It’s this stupid management, man, every week someone gets an ROC, we’re never on target, why the hell hasn’t she been sacked?

BLAKE: If only someone graffitied a message slagging her off?

ANIS: Look, I’m just as pissed as you are, ok, this is no way to sort out an unruly store, if she was a better manager, none of us would even be here.

ANA: He has got a point

MATT: It’s so true, she’s such a fucking bitch

ISIS: Yeah she’s worse than Heather Mills

ANA: Oh god I hate that woman,

MARIGOLD: Yeah, she’s vile

DELICIA: Did you hear about how she wanted to adopt some Malawian baby

MATT: Aren’t you thinking of Madonna?

OSCAR: Yeah that’s Madonna

ISIS: Madonna’s just as bad

MATT: They actually look pretty similar

PARDEEP: They look nothing like each other

ANA: Yeah, they look nothing like each other

MATT: Well Delicia got them confused - racism

SHAFA: Didn’t Madonna go out with Vanilla Ice or something

MATT: Before our time

RAMSEY: No I think that was Gary Busey

ANIS: Gary Busey was in Lethal Weapon

MARIGOLD: What happened to Vanilla Ice? He was really big at one time

DOREEN: Didn’t he lose all his money and have to become a security guard?

DAVID: That’s Gary Coleman

MATT: You’re only saying that because that was in an episode of the Simpsons

DAVID: No it’s true, his parents took all his money and he had to sell all his old T-Shirts

MATT: I’m pretty sure you’re getting him mixed up with Macaulay Culkin and Screech from Saved by the Bell

OSCAR: No Macaulay Culkin didn’t lose his money, it was his virginity to Michael Jackson

MARIGOLD: We’ll come back to that in a sec, yeah didn’t Screech have to go on Celebrity Fit Club

ANIS: See that pisses me off that title, they aren’t celebrities

ANA: You don’t think Screech is a celebrity?

ANIS: They aren’t fit

PARDEEP: Definitely not

MATT: No way

ANIS: And it’s not a club

ISIS AND DELICIA: True

THEY LAUGH

MATT: Well did he win on Fat Club?

LOIC: You can’t ‘win’ on Fat Club

MATT: What’s the point of watching a reality TV show if there’s no winner

DAVID: TV companies love Reality TV because they don’t have to hire writers

MARIGOLD: Fat Club was interesting because people get all stroppy

ANIS: Like when Rik Waller was on it

MATT: What happened then?

SHAFA: He got thrown off

MATT: Why

SHAFA: Because he was too fat

RAMSEY: Whoa he was too fat to be on Fit Club?

PARDEEP: That’s a diss

OSCAR: No he was evicted because of his attitude

MATT: The hat he chewed? What a fat bastard, he ate someone’s hat? Was it at some horserace and Carmen Miranda happened to stop by?

OSCAR: No, ‘attitude’

MATT: Oh ‘attitude’, man alive, that would have been excessive

MARIGOLD: I remember when Rik Waller was on it

ISIS: He was so fat

LAUREN RETURNS

LAUREN: Who was so fat?

ANIS: Your face

LAUREN: Ugh!!

LAUREN LEAVES

DAVID: yeah you don’t win on that show I think

MATT: Poor Screech, man

ANA: Child stars always get messed up

RAMSEY: True – Macaulay Culkin

ANIS: Corey Feldman

DAVID: Gary Coleman

SHAFA: Michael Jackson

ISIS: Lindsay Lohan

BLAKE: Emma Watson

KHUS: It’s interesting, the surnames all end in ‘n’

MARIGOLD: Charlotte Church

MATT: I wouldn’t say she’s messed up

SHAFA: Yeah she is

MATT: Well if she’s messed up, Ben Savage is

ANA: Who?

ISIS: Trust Matt to come up with some obscure actor no one’s ever heard of

MATT: Come on, Ben Savage!

ANIS: Who the fuck’s that?

MATT: Fred Savage’s brother

SHAFA: Oh like we all know who he is

MATT: Come on! David, you must know who he is

DAVID: The name rings a bell

MATT: LAUREN!!

LAUREN SHOUTS BACK A MUFFLED ‘WHAT’

MATT: Come here!

LAUREN COMES UP THE STAIRS

MATT: They don’t know who Ben Savage is

LAUREN: You don’t know who Ben Savage is?

MARIGOLD: Never heard of him

LAUREN: He plays Corey in Boy Meets World

PARDEEP: That show hasn’t been on for time

OSCAR: What’s Boy Meets World?

LAUREN: You’ve never heard of Boy Meets World? It was on the Disney Channel

OSCAR: We don’t have in Spain.

BLAKE: Yeah child actors really are screwed

ANIS: …by Michael Jackson

LAUREN: The keyholder?

ANA: What’s a keyholder?

DAVID: He meant the actor

ANA: The actor?

DAVID: Sorry, singer

LAUREN LOOKS AT ANA AND NOTICES ANA STARING AT DOREEN PLAYING WITH OSCAR’S HAIR

LAUREN: Are you still playing with his hair?

DOREEN: It’s lovely

MATT: Doreen’s gaaaaaaaay

BLAKE: It was you who did the graffiti, wasn’t it?

MATT: Hey where’s Youssfe?

LAUREN: Are you ever going to call him Ibrahim?

MATT: Never

OSCAR: He’s been gone for a long time, I’ll go look for him

SHAFA: So back to the original point, that fat bitch downstairs is worse than Heather Mills?

IBRAHIM: Nothing’s worse than that fat bitch downstairs

MATT: Youssfe!! Where have you been?

IBRAHIM: No where

ISIS: Oscar just went looking for you

PARDEEP: Why is there blood on you?

IBRAHIM: What? Where?

PARDEEP: There, on your shoulder

ANA: Yeah, where’d that come from?

IBRAHIM: Don’t worry, it’s not mine

IBRAHIM LAUGHS. A FEW PEOPLE SMILE

IBRAHIM: No I got it earlier, I tripped in the stockroom, there was a bag of pins on the shelf where I fell back on them, innit.

LOIC: I hate that place.

RAMSEY: Yeah, that place has some danger areas, Ibrahim, watch yourself

ISIS: Oh my god what are we waiting for? I wish Chloe was here so we could sing ‘Why Are We Waiting?’

LAUREN: How is not having Chloe here stopping you? Whyyy are we waaaaiting

ISIS: Is it just imitaaaating

ANIS: Cos I’m the real Shaaaaady

MATT HIGH FIVES ANIS.

DELICIA: Can we just lie, and say that we all did it. I wanna go home

PARDEEP: Haha, poor Oscar, he’s still looking for Ibrahim.

IBRAHIM: He’s going to be looking for a while.

ANIS: That’s what Lauren and I said about Matt going on the pull – back of the net!

MATT THROWS HIS LUNCHBOX AT ANIS

ANIS: Watch it! Right I’m calling my mum…on the store phone, cause this is chappin’ bruuuuv

MATT: Tell her to wear the red lace for when I meet her tonight.

PARDEEP AND LAUREN: Ooooo

ANIS THROWS LUNCHBOX AT MATT. MATT LAUGHS.

ISIS: God first Cunt-Features, now Oscar

RAMSEY: Maybe they got kidnapped

MATT: Maybe they’re shacking up together

DOREEN ANA AND LAUREN: That’s disgusting

ANIS IS NOT GETTING THROUGH WITH THE PHONE. HE REPEATEDLY PRESSES THE HANGUP BUTTON

ISIS STANDS UP.

ISIS: Osky??

ISIS GOES DOWNSTAIRS. ANIS TURNS TO THE GROUP

ANIS: Hey the phone lines have been cut!

MATT: Are you sure you’re just not remembering how to make outcoming calls

SHAFA: Outcoming’s not even a word.

MATT: It is in Anis’ diary – in your face, Anis!

DAVID: Eh?

RAMSEY: Ha! He said Anis was gay.

PARDEEP: Right.

ANIS: Guys!!...The phones are dead.

BLAKE: Use your mobile, then, Cheapskate

ANIS PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.

ANIS: There’s no signal, either

MARIGOLD: What?

LAUREN: (pulling out phone) What??

EVERYBODY CHECKS THEIR PHONE.

IBRAHIM: What the f…

THERES A MASSIVE BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM. IT’S ISIS.

EVERYBODY STANDS UP.

DOREEN: What the hell’s going on? Where’s Oscar?

ANA: Is Oscar ok?

MATT: That obviously wasn’t Oscar screaming

ANIS: You never know.

MATT(BRISTOLIAN): High five!

BLAKE: Look, that was Isis,

EVERYBODY LEAVES THEIR SPOTS IN FRONT OF THE STAIRS.

SCENE 2 INT THIS STORE’S KID’S SECTION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. EVERYBODY RUNS OVER TO ISIS SCREAMING BLOODCURDLINGLY AT SOMETHING IN THE MANAGER’S OFFICE.

BLAKE: Isis, calm down what’s wrong!

ISIS: She’s…dead

YOU GUESSED IT, ISIS IS CORRECT ‘SHE IS DEAD’. SHE’S BEEN SHOT IN THE FACE BETWEEN THE EYES. SHE IS DEFINITELY DEAD. THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE AND A NEARBY ANGEL GETS ITS WINGS

ANA SCREAMS

SHAFA FAINTS

MARIGOLD: Oh my God…

ANIS: No way…

LAUREN: Ugh?

DELICIA: What the hell…

RAMSEY: How the hell…

MATT: Who the hell…

BLAKE: WHEN the hell…

OSCAR: What the hell…

DOREEN: You’re back?

OSCAR: She’s dead? Someone cover her up

ANIS: Someone should do something about Shafa

IBRAHIM: How the hell did she manage to die in the store?

BLAKE: She didn’t die…

IBRAHIM: Of course she did

OSCAR: No, she’s dead

DAVID: He means she didn’t just die

ANA: Of course she did, she’s dead

DAVID: No, you can’t just die…

MATT: I know what David means, she didn’t just die

DOREEN: OF COURSE she just died

MATT: Shut up for a second, I’m trying to sound cool! She didn’t die…

LAUREN: …She was murdered

MATT: Thanks a lot, JACK

MARIGOLD: Er, why is no one calling the police

IBRAHIM: Go call them then

MARIGOLD: Right

ANIS: No signal remember?

LAUREN: Well now we can leave, right? And get signal

OSCAR: Karen locked the door

BLAKE: Who wants to get the keys off her body?

DAVID: Umm you can’t ‘disturb the crime scene’ or anything

LAUREN: Well we have to call the police, are you sure the lines are down?

ANIS: Trust me

LAUREN TRIES TO DIAL

LAUREN: Someone murdered her, I don’t trust anybody

MATT: Except for me, right, I was up there the whole time

LAUREN PUTS THE PHONE DOWN

ISIS: You DID take a while getting your laptop

MATT: Shut your fucking mouth, Isis,

DAVID AND DELICIA: Whoa

MATT: Are you telling me you just ‘found’ her just now

BLAKE: Leave it out, Matt, don’t have a go

MATT: I’ll have a go at anyone who calls me a murderer

OSCAR: Guys we should calm down

LOIC: Someone just died!

ANA: Can someone just get her keys so we can all get out of here

RAMSEY: Like Loic says, she JUST died, bullets don’t just go into someone’s face

DAVID: Guys we need her keys

NO ONE MOVES

OSCAR: I’ll do it

OSCAR GOES OVER TO THE BODY AND TURNS IT ROUND AND POSITIONS THE BODY LEANING OVER

OSCAR: There’s a lot of blood

MATT: Wow, look how hairy her shoulders are

RAMSEY: Shut up, Matt

DELICIA: I’m gonna be sick

BLAKE: I don’t blame you, seriously, man

OSCAR: Guys, there’s no keys

LAUREN: What?

ANIS: You’re joking

OSCAR: I swear

ANA: You mean were trapped here

SHABANA: Why doesn’t someone break the glass

OSCAR: No, we can’t break the glass

LAUREN: Why not

OSCAR: It’s reinforced

MATT: Well what about emergency exits, fire exits, the back door?

OSCAR: All shut overnight

DOREEN: Well, can’t you unseal them?

OSCAR (POINTING TO BODY): She shut it

ANIS: What a stupid bitch

MATT: For fucks sake

MARIGOLD: You’re saying there’s no way out?

ISIS SCREAMS AGAIN

ANIS: Shut the fuck up

DELICIA: Could everybody just stop being rude

IBRAHIM: What the fuck’s your problem, bitch

SHABANA: Why the hell do you always have to be a bastard, Ibrahim

MATT: And that’s your friend saying that

IBRAHIM: You killed her, none of you twats are my friends

RAMSEY: Don’t be such a prick

IBRAHIM: Fuck off, Ramsey

MATT: Hey

IBRAHIM: Stay out of this, metro

ANA: Hey!

KHUS: Everybody just shut the fuck up.

THEY STARE AT KHUS GOBSMACKED

KHUS: You all seem to be forgetting where you are and who you are. You are employees. You have no power to dictate what goes on with this woman’s body, and we are not able to get out until tomorrow morning. The time is ten minutes to tomorrow and time for everybody to wise up. This is not the time for arguments, name calling or egotism. A woman just died. A much maligned woman, yes, but that was the person you all chose to work for. No one was forcing you to stay and follow this woman’s orders and yet someone, one of us, decided it was acceptable to take a human life than accept a punishment. I WILL find out who murdered her…and there WILL be consequences. One of you killed her. One of you is going to prison in the morning. Until then, we’re going to shut up. We’re going to stay calm. We’re going to stay together. We’re going to find out who did this. Blake, (BLAKE FLINCHES AS HE IS CALLED) get some grey fleece hoodies and prop up Shafa’s head…I’m going to carry her to the bench in the staff room. Hands up who knows the code to the staff room door?

ISIS, OSCAR, ANIS, AND LAUREN PUT THEIR HANDS UP

KHUS: Everyone here is a suspect, but you four are more suspect than the others. I’m going to change the code, no one is going to access the body unless I say so. You four will go upstairs to be questioned. The rest of you, stay waiting outside this door. No one even think of going in there.

KHUS PICKS SHAFA UP. IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH STRENGTH, DON’T WORRY.

IBRAHIM: Hey! Hey wait, why are you suddenly in charge?

KHUS: There is no manager, and Oscar is a highly likely suspect in this case, you can’t trust him, and I’ve been here the longest. You are a dot to me. After 8 years of working here, you can have the respect and authority to ask me what gives me the right to be ‘in charge’.

EVERYONE IS SILENT. KHUS AND BLAKE WALK OFF. EVERYONE IS STUNNED. LAUREN, ANIS, OSCAR AND ISIS GO UPSTAIRS SILENTLY

MATT: You guys realise this?

ANA: Yes

PARDEEP: It could be Oscar,

MARIGOLD: It could be Anis

IBRAHIM: It could be Lauren or Isis

MATT: It could even be any one of us. Even YOU…

STARES INTO CAMERA

PAUSE

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL THAT HE IS STARING AT SHABANA

SHABANA: Well, I don’t know, innit

DAVID: Guys, let’s shut the door

DELICIA: I know, there’s so much blood.

PARDEEP: Yeah, I know, we don’t want…

ANA: We don’t want any blood on the shop floor

HEY THAT’S THE NAME OF THE STORY. WHO KILLED THE MANAGER? WHO IN THIS STORE IS CAPABLE OF SUCH A HEINOUS CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY, KILLING THEIR BOSS, IMAGINE…WELL YOU DON’T HAVE TO, REALLY, I’VE WRITTEN, LIKE, A WHOLE SCRIPT FOR PEOPLE TO LOSE THEMSELVES IN…FIND OUT NEXT WEEK IN PART TWO OF ‘BLOOD ON THE SHOP FLOOR’