Blood on the Shop Floor: Part Three
SCENE 1: INT THE STORE’S MEN’S DENIM SECTION WHERE WE LAST LEFT ANIS, LAUREN,
LAUREN: Anis isn’t back yet?
SCENE 2: THE ELECTRICIAN’S ROOM. KHUS EXITS IT AND LOOKS INTO THE STAFFROOM AND CHECKS UP ON SLEEPING BEAUTY.
KHUS: Have a good long rest, Shafa…there won’t be any good news when you wake up.
KHUS LEAVES THE STAFFROOM AND GOES BACK INTO THE KIDS SECTION TO FIND EVERYBODY IN A PANIC OVER THE DEATHS OF DELICIA AND LOIC. KHUS IS FACED WITH A HARD TASK. HE DECIDES TO TAKE A NICER APPROACH.
KHUS: Blake, a word
BLAKE: What’s up, G?
KHUS: I can only assume that the four people upstairs are innocent,
BLAKE: Oh yeah, you’re right
KHUS: The bad news is that someone down here is the murderer
BLAKE: Look, they obviously placed this cashmere sweater (SHOWS HIM A CHARRED CASHMERE SWEATER) over the gun so we wouldn’t see any kind of flash during the darkness
KHUS: Clever bastard
BLAKE: What shall we do?
KHUS: Perhaps…I don’t know, I thought that if we stayed in big groups in buddies of two, but that brilliant idea has killed two innocent people! I can’t imagine it would be better with everybody isolated individually.
BLAKE: That would be bad
KHUS: And yet, I feel that if I put those groups together, everybody would get into a panic,
BLAKE: We should put everybody back together, I think it’s for the best.
KHUS: Thank you, Blake
KHUS AND BLAKE RETURN TO THE PANICKED CROWD OF EMPLOYEES.
KHUS: Come on, everybody, let’s leave this spot and go back upstairs.
EVERYBODY TRUDGES UPSTAIRS MISERABLY
SCENE 3: THE STORE’S MEN’S DENIM SECTION. PRESENT ARE LAUREN, OSCAR, ANIS, AND
LAUREN: What happened downstairs? We heard screaming…
ANA: You don’t want to know
MATT: Delicia and Loic got killed
LAUREN AND ISIS SHARE A LOOK
PARDEEP: With a gun
OSCAR: Why didn’t we hear it?
BLAKE: I was there, I didn’t hear a thing
DAVID: It had to be a silenced pistol
MATT: Innit, man, at least everybody had a motive to shoot Frumps, who didn’t not not like Delicia and Loic
DAVID: That was, like, a triple negative
KHUS: If these killings can be explained as random, that’s all we need, but I suspect that they are not. I think that by killing Loic and Delicia, the two strongest people in the store were out of the picture.
IBRAHIM: Ohh yeaaah
RAMSEY: Innit man
IBRAHIM: Loic was bare strong, ain’t no one getting past him without a gun
BLAKE: And Delicia could handle herself well
IBRAHIM: Well why didn’t they kill me as well
PARDEEP LAUGHS DERISIVELY
MARIGOLD: I’ll tell you why, you’re the killer, Ibrahim!
MATT: That’s the only reason he’s not dead yet!
IBRAHIM: Fuck off, I was holding onto Ramsey’s gay hand the whole time!
RAMSEY: He was
OSCAR: How did they die?
PARDEEP: You know when the lights went out, yeah, you see when the lights came back on, yeah, they were dead
PARDEEP: With a gun
ANA: We’ve covered that
DOMINIK: It was scary, yes
MATT: We’ve covered that
ANIS: How did they die?
KHUS: They were shot, when the lights went out and we didn’t notice until the lights came back on
ANIS: You were down there the whole time? How could you let that happen right under your nose?
BLAKE: It WAS pitch black
ANIS: You’re useless. You can’t solve a thing.
KHUS: Look, Anis, don’t take things the wrong way but I just have a good way of assessing a situation, I can’t explain why, right now, but at the moment, only I and Blake have heard the sufficient amount of facts from people. We still need to probe Ana, Pardeep, Shabana, Dominik, Matt, David, Doreen, and um…Marigold…
MARIGOLD IS SNIFFING MISERABLY IN A CORNER
OSCAR: What about the crime scene? You checked around there?
KHUS: I’m going to have a look there in a minute, check for clues
LAUREN: Is anyone reminded of Shirley Holmes?
KHUS: I’d rather you think of me as Sherlock…
ANIS (QUIETLY): No shit,
KHUS: …and Blake as my Watson.
DAVID: Did Doctor Watson ever have a first name?
MATT: Probably Burt
RAMSEY: Probably Ernie
ANIS: Probably Anis
KHUS: Probably…Chang or…Goober
KHUS: Anyway if I do find some clues, that will factor heavily on to the evidence on the suspect I’m thinking of, I might just catch a murderer today.
KHUS: And if I DO do this…that will be colossal
ANIS: Tell me more about your colossal doo-doo
IT TAKES EVERYONE A FEW SECONDS TO UNDERSTAND THE JOKE.
WHEN THEY DO, THEY GIGGLE LIKE SCHOOLKIDS.
KHUS: Ha ha, ok, look um, I’m going to go downstairs
BLAKE: You want me to come?
MATT MOUTHS ‘THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID’ TO PARDEEP. HE DOESN’T GET IT. ANIS SEES THIS AND CRACKS UP IN SILENT LAUGHTER.
KHUS: No, Blake, I’d rather you stayed up here, I need a man up here to make sure we all stay together.
BLAKE: Should I sort them into buddies?
KHUS: Umm, no, let’s have everybody say their name out loud if there’s another power cut, see ya
MATT: Thank god he’s gone, he’s too heavy on everyone, man
ANIS: He punched me
MATT: He cussed my mum
DOREEN: Hey, is anyone having luck with their phones?
EVERYONE IS OUT OF
ANA: Why hasn’t any of our parents tried dropping by the store to look for us?
ANIS: Man I hope my mother’s coming
MATT: That’s what she said
ANA: That doesn’t even make sense
OSCAR: It does
ANA: OMG that just makes it sick
ANIS: You’re such an idiot
MATT: And so’s yer face
ANIS: Don’t TRY…to even ATTEMPT…to even TRY…to even ATTEMPT…to use that joke
MATT: Whatever (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
LAUREN: Alright, Nadine!
ANA: You know, out of us…who could really be a murderer
ANIS: Easy question
POINTS AT IBRAHIM
ANIS: He’d whack a guy
POINTS AT PARDEEP
ANIS: He’d off a guy
POINTS AT OSCAR
ANIS: He’d whack off a guy
MATT (BRISTOLIAN): High five!
EVERYBODY LAUGHS EXCEPT DOREEN AND ANA
MATT: You know what I reckon?
MATT: None of us is a murderer…It’s ALL Polish polish!
LAUREN, PARDEEP, SHABANA AND ANIS LAUGH
ANIS: There was this Polish guy…
LAUREN: …who was well creepy…
MATT: …and used to polish the floor with a carpet buffer
ANIS: How can you polish the floor with a carpet buffer?
MATT: You know what I mean
ANIS: You’re a fool!
ANIS: Yera fool! Yera fool! Yera fool!
MATT: Calm it down!
IBRAHIM: Why do they call it welfare, is it because it is, like, ‘well fair’?
MATT: They only call it welfare in
BLAKE: Just how dumb are you, exactly.
SHABANA: How would any of us know: we all work, innit
OH WAIT HE’S DEAD. UMM HANG ON. GO BACK IN TIME FOUR SECONDS.
MATT: I swear its only called welfare in
LAUREN: How did we even get onto this subject
IBRAHIM: No idea
MATT: Hey what happens to all our money when the queen dies?
ANA: Oh yeah, good point
MATT: Will all our money have Prince Charles on it?
MATT: But, like, say people with change jars, will they still be allowed in banks?
PARDEEP: Of course
MATT: Oh okay, then
ANIS: Does anyone realise that these deaths are following the typical
MATT: Yeah, the darkies always go first
ANIS: Yeah, don’t say darkies.
ANA: Which one’s worse??
MATT: Dude, you always think I’m being racist, I’m scared to even say that I’ve got a ‘coloured’ TV
ANIS: You don’t, anyway
MATT: Truuuuue, but for the purposes of the joke I do. As for this being like
LAUREN: Um, thanks!
MATT: No offence
LAUREN: Her heart was
ANIS: Her teeth were
RAMSEY AND IBRAHIM: Her muff was
MATT: Don’t the forget the hair on her shoulders either
LAUREN: That’s disgusting
ANA: I guess Sabrina, Cleo, and Joel left just in time
FLASHBACK OF THEIR RESIGNATIONS
SABRINA: This isn’t really working out for me, I’m leaving, it’s not worth my time to continue travelling to work here for just four hours, I’m just far too busy.
CLEO: Um, OK, I refuse to work here for another day with that bitch
BACK TO PRESENT DAY
LAUREN: They always said how leaving this place was the best thing that ever happened to them
MATT: And Joel’s had a threesome, so…THAT’S…how good it was to leave.
ANA: We should change the subject
MATT: Umm…so Anis, you wouldn’t go out with that girl Nicola because she was a ‘tickler’?
ANIS: Nicola was a tickler
DAVID: And you’re not a stickler for a tickler?
ANIS: NOT a stickler for tickler like Nicola
MATT: You’re not a tickler stickler?
ANIS: NOT a tickler stickler
RAMSEY: Did Nicola let you tickle her?
ANIS: Nicola did NOT let me tickle her
ANA: She sounds pretty fickle
ANIS: Nicola could not get any fickler by not letting me tickle her, and I’m not even a stickler for a tickler like Nicola, SO…
MARIGOLD: Tickle her?
MATT: And we haven’t even started on that chick Wendy who wasn’t that trendy but at least she was bendy.
OSCAR: I knew a Heather who wasn’t clever but wore leather
RAMSEY: I knew a
IBRAHIM: I knew a
DOMINIK (INTERRUPTING): Can we, sorry…
DAVID: I knew a Renee who turned out to be gay…but hey
MATT: That’s the attitude, dude
ANA: Why are we all rhyming?
LAUREN: In, like, perfect timing?
ANIS: No ideas, queers
MATT: Laoaoaw the insults
DAVID: Nothing rhymes with ‘insults’, you ruined it
MATT: Forget the rhyming, I want to hear more about abusive Youssfe’s girl
ANIS: Yeah, sounds gory
LAUREN: Don’t tell it, it sounds disgusting
MATT: I feel like rhyming disgusting with discussing but I can’t bothered
ANIS: Yeah it’s getting old now
MATT: Well, like they say: the early bird…catches the worm…which turns…deserves another…biting the dust…is greener on the other side…or get busy dying…and shame the devil……is worth two in the bush…
ANA: Back on the subject of who of us could be a murderer…which of is us safe from…
THINKS FOR A SECOND
PARDEEP: I swear that’s not a word
ANIS: I’m safe because I’d never kill anybody
MATT: No you’re not because you left for a while APPARENTLY getting Shafa and Lauren something from the vending machines
ANIS: Thanks mate.
MATT: No probs
ANIS: Yeah that means it’s me, yeah I definitely did it now with THAT evidence
PARDEEP: Ana, you’re not safe because you disappeared when
LAUREN: So did
OSCAR: And Ibrahim
MATT: You left us to look for him…in fact you didn’t return until after we found the body what’s with that?
OSCAR: So it’s not me, because I was not near her when she found
MATT: See, that’s a clue! We’re an awesome team, Anis, Khus is useless!
MATT: We’re the REAL Sherlock and Holmes
DOREEN: It’s Sherlock and Watson
MATT: Yeah, we could start wearing the gear, imagine Khus with a magnifying glass
LAUREN AND OTHER ASSORTED FEMALES GIGGLE USELESSLY AT THE THOUGHT
MATT: I think I’d look cool in Sherlock’s clothes, even his deerstalker hat
ANIS: No offence but you’d look like a freak who is wearing a deerstalker hat
MATT: Thanks mate.
ANA: So that makes me, Anis, Isis, Oscar, Ibrahim
LAUREN: And Matt because he went to get the laptop
MATT: Er, and Lauren for when she got rejected.
DAVID: I think that’s it.
LAUREN: Oh yeah, you went down to speak to her, was she alive then?
DAVID: No, I…
ANIS: He got too scared to talk to her
ANA: That could just be a lie, David did it!
MATT: Oh my god!
ANIS: Oh yeaaaaah!
PARDEEP: It’s David!
DAVID: No, I…
ANIS: It’s allllllways the guy you least suspect
MATT: Yep, it’s David.
LAUREN: Or Pardeep, he left at one point for the vending machines
MATT: Wait, so that makes…
ANA: You, me, Lauren, Anis, Pardeep, DAVID, Isis, Oscar, Ibrahim
MATT: And who’s safe?
BLAKE: Khus, Dominik, Shafa and me.
SHABANA: That’s good, it’s not me, innit
MATT: Let’s get real here, it’s obviously not me, I’m eccentric, and I lie to people for my own amusement, but I’d never have the cojones to actually pull a trigger
LAUREN: I actually think you did it
MATT: You’re not serious?
LAUREN: Ever since you killed that spider, I predicted that you’d move onto bigger creatures
MATT: Oh…I see…that hurts
ANIS: Now you know how it feels to be me.
MATT: What, being rejected and despised?
ANIS: That and being suspected of killing someone
ANA: Well you did hate her
ANIS: Well Frumps, fair enough, I would admit out of everybody who works here, she would get the most guilt free killing, but Delicia and Loic, come on…
DOMINIK: Truesay. Skeen.
ANIS: Why would I ever kill them, they were awesome
ANA: I don’t think Pardeep would do it, he’d just leave
PARDEEP: I reckon it’s
MANY PEOPLE LAUGH
BLAKE: It’s true,
MATT: Except pass a breathalyser
BLAKE: You’re such an idiot.
ANIS: Just coked up
MATT: Yeah, how’s the smack addiction?
DAVID: Yeah…heroin addict
MATT: Got any SCAG?
DOREEN: Where’d Oscar go?
ANIS: I don’t think Oscar would have done it, he’s midway to becoming management anyway, he wouldn’t get hassle off her like we do
LAUREN: No, Margaret told me supervisors get it worse
MATT: I bet she was just saying that
MATT: Where is Oscar, anyway, he’s been really quiet.
DOREEN: I hope he’s back soon
ANA: I hope he’s not dead
MARIGOLD DOES A SMALL SOB OVER THE D WORD USAGE
ANIS: He’ll be fine
ANA: See I’m a suspect, but I don’t think I’ve got any reason to kill her
MATT: Plus, the two of you together in a fight, knob-cementing as it sounds, that in reality would be like a tabby cat versus a hippo
ANA: Hey I’m not that small
ANA’S SUBTLE REBUTTAL IS DROWNED OUT BY LOUDMOUTH LAUREN
LAUREN: Argh, why didn’t we ever call her the Hippo? That’s a wicked nickname
MATT: That’s reserved for Youssfe over there
MATT: I like to call him ’Ungry ’Ungry ’Ibbo
IBRAHIM: What’s with all these nicknames for me, man?
RAMSEY: He called me ‘512 Megabytes of RAM’ last week
LAUREN: That’s not even a good amount of MB
ANA: He called me ‘Rambana’ last week. I am not Sylvester Stallone!
MATT: Pipe down, ‘256 Megabytes of RAMbana’ It was a Michelle Rodrigues reference
DAVID: Oh I get it…and stop calling me ‘Lurch’
ANIS: Oh yeah, why am I now called ‘Style Cramper’
MATT: You were salting my game with the honeys
MATT: Shut up, Lauren
ANIS: Yeah shut up, Lauren
MATT AND ANIS: Lauren!!
ANA: Back to the point, the only other person left is Ibrahim
MATT: Oh definitely him
SHABANA: Oh god yeah
IBRAHIM: Hey, come on now
RAMSEY: He explained it, the blood.
ANIS: Did he?
MATT: But I’ve forgotten what he said, oi Youssfe!
IBRAHIM: I tripped in the stockroom, cut myself on some pins
ANIS: What is that?
ANIS: That!! That’s a lame arse excuse, like ‘oh I walked into a door’…‘I tripped in the stockroom’, show us the cut then!
ANIS: Where the pins pierced you and you were apparently bleeding, show us the cut!
LAUREN AND MATT AND ANA AND SHABANA: Yeah!
IBRAHIM: The cut? Umm…
ANIS: Khus didn’t ask to see the exact place where the blood came from? He’s fucking useless, man!
FROM SEEMINGLY NOWHERE WITH OSCAR
KHUS: It’s not Ibrahim
ANIS: Oh there you are, what makes you say that?
KHUS: I know it’s not Ibrahim, because I know the identity of the killer…
GASP! OO SOME ANSWERS. FADE TO BLACK, END OF PART THREE. FIND OUT MORE IN PART FOUR.
OK, FINE, ANOTHER COUPLE OF PAGES, ONE MORE SCENE, BUT THAT’S IT
LAUREN: Who is it?
KHUS: It is definitely one of us
KHUS: It’s not Polish polish
KHUS: I could hear you all from downstairs.
KHUS: There’s no customers or music playing, I could hear everything
KHUS: I heard that interesting approach to solving the crimes.
KHUS: But this isn’t Cluedo, rolling the dice will make your dominoes fall like a house of cards, so stick or hit me.
BLAKE: Check MATE
KHUS: Now the killer…
MARIGOLD (LOOKING FUCK OFF SCARY): WHO??
KHUS: …is Anis!
MATT: That can’t be right, Anis???
ANIS: What the fuck!
KHUS: Oscar just told me that you disappeared from the denim section just before the power failure, and return after the lights came back on
EVERYBODY GASPS AND GIVES ANIS A WIDE BERTH
ANIS IS SPEECHLESS
KHUS: I was racking my brains thinking ‘How on earth could any of the people downstairs have murdered Delicia or Loic?’ Everybody said yes to holding onto their buddy’s hand which led me to believe that either they were all innocent or there were two people working together, who just happened to be buddied up together by chance. I was constantly revising myself saying could Pardeep and Ana have killed everyone, Dominik and Shabana, the just HAPPENED to be put as buddies together? I was full of self doubt over the buddy system but now I see it didn’t fail I was convinced of your innocence because I presumed that if anybody out of the group of four left upstairs, the two deaths would have led a witness to blab, and that’s what's happened now.
ANIS: Oscar you bastard
OSCAR: Sorry, Anis, Frumpy was fine, but Delicia and Loic, no.
ANIS (SLIGHTLY SCOTTISH): What the BLOODY HELL is going on??
KHUS: Your plan would have been foolproof if it hadn’t had been devised and carried out by a fool.
RAMSEY: Did you really kill her?
ANIS: For fuxake NO! Of course I didn’t, and give it a rest, please, Khus, some of us are trying to actually cope with all these deaths, as a person of dark complexion I’m personally worried I’m next.
KHUS: Yes I’m sure you are worried.
BLAKE: You be worried you going to the slammer!
KHUS: Thanks, Ollie
ANIS: I can’t believe you guys are believing this! You’re believing Khus…KHUS!!
KHUS: Your point?
ANIS: This is a man so stupid, he thought Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife, a man so stupid he thought Portia de Rossi was a type of sports car, a man so stupid he thought Mahatma Gandhi was a boxer!
KHUS: Your point?
ANIS: You’re a little pussy man, Mahatma Gandhi would bang you up
KHUS: I know a tonne of 14-year-old girls that could knock you out
ANIS: You know a tonne of 14-year-old girls?
LAUREN (HORRIFIED): You know a tonne of 14-year-old girls?
MATT: Any phone numbers?
ANA PUNCHES MATT SOFTLY ON THE ARM
DOREEN: You’re sooo silly!
KHUS: Just face up to it Anis, the police are going to treat you a lot worse than me, and if we were living in a time of gallows, you’d be well hung in the morning
MATT: He looks…
ANIS (INTERRUPTING): Yes, yes, I look pretty well hung already, ha ha, penis joke, whatever alright, look Khus, you’ve got fuck all against me, I know the real reason you’re targeting me…
KHUS: Indulge us all
KHUS: Your point?
ANIS: Ever since day 1 I’ve felt you’ve had something against me, and all this time I realise you’re just vying for Shafa’s affections. Well this store isn’t big enough for umbrellas, let alone the two of us.
KHUS: Interesting, I’ve mentioned no desire to have her and here you are bringing her up, when you are confronted with the overwhelming evidence that above all of us here, YOU are a killer Ah-nis Alamgir
ANIS: Overwhelming evidence?? There’s no fucking evidence!! Go fuck yourself!!
ANIS STORMS OFF TO WOMENS
MATT: Khus, you’re a spatula-faced friendless gay horse-humping hairy sperminated toad sperm
KHUS: At least I’m fertile
MATT FOLLOWS AFTER ANIS
MATT: Dude, you OK, man? Don’t take it badly, I trust you, man, we all do
ANIS: Nah, I can’t stand this place any more, I’m quitting, first thing tomorrow
MATT: OK, man I know you’ve got to do what you feel you have to…I’ll be with everyone else in Men’s if you want to talk.
ANIS MOODILY KICKS A HANGER ACROSS THE FLOOR. IT HITS A MANNEQUIN...WAIT A MINUTE, SINCE WHEN DO MANNEQUINS WEAR HOODIES? THE MANNEQUIN COMES TO LIFE. IT IS A HUMAN, WHOSE FACE IS OBSCURED BY THE HOODY. WE DO NOT SEE WHO IT IS. ANIS REACTS IN SURPRISE.
ANIS: Oh it’s you, come on give me some space for a bit, I need some time alone.
THE HOODIED PERSON UNSHEAFS A KNIFE FROM THE FRONT POCKET
ANIS: What the hey?
THE HOODIED PERSON RUNS AT ANIS. ANIS REACTS QUICKLY AND DODGES A STAB FROM THE KNIFE. HE PUSHES THE KNIFE ARM AWAY SHOUTING
ANIS: Get away from me you psycho!
HE KNOCKS OVER A T STAND WHICH MAKES THE HOODIED PERSON FALL OVER. ANIS RUNS TO THE LIFT FOR HIS LIFE AND REPEATEDLY PRODS THE CALL LIFT BUTTON
ANIS: Come on, come on!
THE LIFT ARRIVES SAYING WHAT FLOOR HE’S ON.
ANIS: Thank you!
HE RUNS IN AND REPEATEDLY POUNDS AGAINST THE BUTTON FOR THE NEXT FLOOR.
LIFT: This lift is out of service.
IT IS TOO LATE FOR ANIS. THE HOODIED PERSON TAKES THE KNIFE AND STABS ANIS IN THE COLLARBONE. ANIS LOOKS AT THE KNIFE AND YELLS HORRIFIED. THE KILLER PULLS OUT THE KNIFE AT THEN STABS HIM IN THE HEART
ANIS (SLIGHTLY HOARSE): Sonofabitch.
ANIS HAS A SMALL VISION OF HIM RIDING A HORSE WITH TERENCE TRENT D’ARBY – WISHING WELL PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.
DAMN, I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS HIM. WELL, HE SEEMS TO BE RIGHT ABOUT PEOPLE DYING IN ORDER OF SHADE. WATCH OUT, MARIGOLD AND RAMSEY. WILL THEY DIE? OR WILL THEY STAY ALIVE? OR WILL THEY BE UNMASKED AS THE MURDERER? OR WILL THEY DIE? OH WAIT, I ALREADY ASKED THAT, AH HELL I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT, THERE, WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH, FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IN PART FOUR OF ‘BLOOD ON THE SHOP FLOOR’ RELEASED THURSDAY 27 MARCH.