Blood on the Shop Floor: Part One
Jake Gyllenhaal as Anis
George Clooney as Khus
Alicia Silverstone as Lauren
Christopher Walken as
Anthony Anderson as Blake
Heath Ledger as Oscar
Whitney Huston as Doreen
Queen Latifah as Marigold
Sylvester Stallone as Ana
Robert Knepper as Pardeep
David Cross as Ramsey
Michael Cera as David
Kanye West as Joel
Eva Mendes as Cleo
Jada Pinkett-Smith as Sabrina
Nestor Carbonell as Matt
Christian Bale as Dominik
Christian Slater as Ibrahim
Jennifer Hudson as Delicia
Erik King as Loic
Poojah Shah as Shafa
Salma Hayek as Shabana
Kathy Bates as
SCENE 1: INT A RETAIL STORE’S MEN’S SECTION IN FRONT OF STAIRS. GATHERED ARE RAMSEY, KUSH, ANIS, MATT, BLAKE, LAUREN,
LAUREN: UGH!!...She’s such a loser.
PARDEEP: She’s a little bitch, man
IBRAHIM: I know
MATT: I honestly wish she was dead, she’s such a Dickface
MARIGOLD: I really don’t see the point of this, she can’t keep us here all night
DOREEN: Yeah, though, what’s actually going on, because this is ridiculous
LAUREN: Who do you reckon actually did it?
ANA: She probably did it herself just so she could keep us behind
SHAFA: I think
OSCAR: I don’t know who did it, but it’s one of the people here. Maybe is Karen, I don’t know
ANIS: This is a fucking joke, she can’t keep us here all night, what the hell’s taking her so long? Keeping us after work, we’re not fucking in year 6
MATT: Yeah, we’re not fucking 10 years old
DAVID: Yeah, we’re not…fucking…in school
(LAUREN, SHAFA, ISIS, AND ANA LAUGH SOFTLY)
MATT: She’s such a bitch, man, how does this help anybody? The gimp who did it isn’t going to come forward (looks at watch) she’s been down there for half an hour.
BLAKE: I’m so bored
MATT: A-Z game?
MATT: What category?
DELICIA: Let’s do animals
MATT: Alright cool, everybody, let’s go round, everybody, who wants to start?
IBRAHIM: I’ll start…A…A, man…I’ve gone blank, wait, animal, ah this is hard man, wait, er, Arachnid
DOMINIK: Er, sorry, no, sorry, no, sorry, you do, sorry, no
ANIS AND MATT: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
OSCAR AND MARIGOLD: Doreen!
LAUREN AND RAMSEY: Egg??
BLAKE: Oh my god, man, this game’s sick
MATT: Wait, are we allowed music? Let me go get my laptop
OSCAR: I don’t think so
LAUREN: Noooooo don’t play your gay music
MATT: Ah come on, she’s taking forever
ANIS: His music’s not gay, Lauren
DOREEN: Yeah, Lauren
IBRAHIM: Go get your laptop, is new Lost out?
OSCAR: No I don’t want to be spoiled
ANA: Yeah, me too
MATT: Look I wont spoil anything
PARDEEP: You got new Prison Break? nah I’ll watch it at home
DAVID: Prison Break’s finished
PARDEEP: When’s Heroes coming back?
ANIS: Heroes is shit
MATT: Nah, I’m gonna go get my laptop, I’m bored shitless.
DOREEN: Are we still doing A-Z?
IBRAHIM: Well now she can’t get it, that was the only one that begins with H
PARDEEP: I’m gonna get a drink
SHAFA: Get me one, please
MATT RETURNS WITH LAPTOP
OSCAR: You got Lost on there?
MATT: Does Annie turn me on?
ANIS: Ah Annie…
MANY LOOK AT DAVID, DAVID SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS AT HIS FEET. HE LOOKS UP GRINNING SHEEPISHLY.
DAVID: Yes, Annie
RAMSEY: Oh yeah, you, like, loved her didn’t you?
MATT: And so did any straight man and lesbian in this godforsaken place
ANIS: She was amazing
MARIGOLD: Who is this Annie, I never saw her,
ANA: Yeah that’s because David asked her out
ASSEMBLED PEOPLE LAUGH
LAUREN: And scared her off
RAMSEY: David’s such a player
LAUREN: Hardly, she must have been terrified because she left the next day.
MATT: Come to think of it, this a scary place, you always get smelly Arabs giving you dirty looks,
LAUREN: Remember Alex?
ANIS: Ugh and Kamil
MATT: Not to mention Sam
SHABANA AND LAUREN LAUGH. IT TAKES SHAFA A LITTLE LONGER TO REMEMBER THE HORROR OF SAM BEFORE SHE SAYS
SHAFA: Oh god Sam, he was so gay
PARDEEP RETURNS. DOREEN BEGINS PLAYING WITH OSCAR’S HAIR
PARDEEP: Ah Sam, the best manager, man
ANIS: You must be joking
MATT: He’s right, Sam Barnes WAS the coolest manger, Karen comes second
OSCAR: Oh my god, you remember his surname?
LAUREN: I’d give anything to have him back: ‘Ooooonnnhhh’
SHAFA: Instead of this fat bitch
ANIS: Ooo out come the claws, that’s chappin’ bruuuuuv
MATT AND ANIS: Abaaaaaaaht
LAUREN: That’s so random
ANIS: And so’s yer face
LAUREN: You’re so stupid
EVERYBODY ELSE: And so’s yer face!
ANIS STANDS UP
ANIS: Does anyone want anything from the vending machines?
SHAFA: A coke please
LAUREN: I want some chocolate
ANIS: You want some chocolate? Hear that Ramsey? Lauren wants some chocolate, that’s your cue.
MATT: ’Allo, ’allo, ’allo
ANIS: Shafa, you can buy the drink yourself
LAUREN: Oi, I thought you’re meant to be her husband
ANIS: I’m joking
IBRAHIM: Matt, put Lost on
LAUREN: Noooooooo, put Rapper’s Delight on
MATT: Ah gay, my battery died
BLAKE: You say gay a lot, you know that?
MATT: What’s your point, just because I say it resplendently abundantly it doesn’t necessarily mean I am
ANA: Why the long words?
BLAKE: My point is that we’re all here because someone graffitied ‘Karen’s gaaaaaaaaaaaaay’ on the fridge, and I think it was you
MARIGOLD: It was you, wasn’t it?
MATT: It definitely wasn’t me…TRUST!
OSCAR: Isis, you so rude
PARDEEP: Oh my god!
BLAKE: Rah girl, go to the toilet or something.
ANA: Yeah, I’m going too
IBRAHIM EVACUATES AND ANA LEAVES. LAUREN LOOKS BORED. EVERYBODY ELSE WRINKLES THEIR NOSE AT THE SMELL
MATT: Well I guess the saying’s true: big things come in small packages
NO ONE LAUGHS. ANIS RETURNS.
ANIS: God, what the hell is that?
MATT: Remember that dream I had where Ana farted and everybody had to evacuate?
LAUREN: That was so random
MATT AND ANIS MOCKINGLY: Randooooom
DAVID: Where the hell is this bitch?
MANY ARE AMAZED
SHAFA: That’s so big of you David
MATT (TO ANIS): I think she means vehement
DOREEN: He’s right, though, why hasn’t she come up the stairs?
DAVID: I’m going to march right down there…and…march her right up here…mark my…words…dammit
MATT: Good luck
RAMSEY: He’s going to slay the dragon
LAUREN, SHAFA, MATT AND ANIS TITTER
PARDEEP: He’s gone to get the Bitch
ANIS: Isis, man, perhaps you should seek some help with your internal plumbing, y’kn’a’m’say’n?
KHUS: Is it ok if I go over here?
MATT: Yeah, Isis, Lauren says your new nickname is Bagpipe
LAUREN: What?? No I didn’t!
MATT: Shut up, Lauren!
ANIS: Yeah, shut up Lauren!
PARDEEP: Yeah, give it a rest Lauren!
EVERYONE JOINS IN
OSCAR AND RAMSEY: Lauren!
SHAFA: (DOING AN IMPRESSION OF GUILIANA) Laaaaaaaareeenn
LAUREN IS UNABLE TO PROTEST BECAUSE SHE IS LAUGHING
MARIGOLD: Yeah, Lauren, giving her nicknames
MATT AND ANIS: Abaaaaaaaht!!
ANA COMES UP THE STAIRS
ANA: Are we all taking the mick out of Lauren or something
RAMSEY: No, Lauren was taking the piss out of
LAUREN: I was not!! Ugh!!! You’re all such a bunch of loooooooosers
MATT AND ANIS: Suuuuuuuubaaaaa!!!
SHE GOES DOWNSTAIRS TO COOL OFF FOR A BIT.
MATT SPOTS DELICIA LAUGHING AND IMMEDIATELY PUTS ON A STERN EXPRESSION
MATT: What are you laughing at?
DELICIA STOPS LAUGHING, PERTURBED. MATT GIVES HER A HARD STARE BEFORE CRACKING UP LAUGHING. DELICIA ROLLS HER EYES.
DAVID COMES BACK UP THE STAIRS
OSCAR: David, how did it go?
DAVID: Ah I couldn’t do it, what if she shouted at me for bothering
SHAFA: Wait, someone just explain why we’re here again.
BLAKE: Someone graffitied ‘Karen’s gaaaaaaaay’ on the wall, and as punishment we have to stay behind.
SHAFA: So we’re being punished? But this is fun isn’t it? I’m having a good time.
ANIS: Yeah, I enjoy the company and everything, but this is wrong,
PARDEEP: It’s an intrusion, that’s what it is
ANIS: Some of us have homes to go to, it’s overstepping her boundaries. She does my head in, man ‘You’re all going to stay until the guilty person admits to it. If people think they have a right to damage company property, they can either stay the night or they can leave and never come back’
SHABANA: I wish she would leave and never come back
ANIS: Oooo I see what you did there: clever.
OSCAR: That’s mean
ANIS: No, I’m seriously pissed off, I’m fumin’, it’s 11.30 on Saturday, I should be at home watching Match Of The Day, I haven’t even called my mum to tell her I’m going to home late,
SHAFA: She IS a bitch
ANIS: I’m starving, asides from breakfast I’ve only had some Maccy Ds and this Twix. It’s this stupid management, man, every week someone gets an ROC, we’re never on target, why the hell hasn’t she been sacked?
BLAKE: If only someone graffitied a message slagging her off?
ANIS: Look, I’m just as pissed as you are, ok, this is no way to sort out an unruly store, if she was a better manager, none of us would even be here.
ANA: He has got a point
MATT: It’s so true, she’s such a fucking bitch
ANA: Oh god I hate that woman,
MARIGOLD: Yeah, she’s vile
DELICIA: Did you hear about how she wanted to adopt some Malawian baby
MATT: Aren’t you thinking of Madonna?
OSCAR: Yeah that’s Madonna
MATT: They actually look pretty similar
PARDEEP: They look nothing like each other
ANA: Yeah, they look nothing like each other
MATT: Well Delicia got them confused - racism
SHAFA: Didn’t Madonna go out with Vanilla Ice or something
MATT: Before our time
RAMSEY: No I think that was Gary Busey
ANIS: Gary Busey was in Lethal Weapon
MARIGOLD: What happened to Vanilla Ice? He was really big at one time
DOREEN: Didn’t he lose all his money and have to become a security guard?
DAVID: That’s Gary Coleman
MATT: You’re only saying that because that was in an episode of the Simpsons
DAVID: No it’s true, his parents took all his money and he had to sell all his old T-Shirts
MATT: I’m pretty sure you’re getting him mixed up with Macaulay Culkin and Screech from Saved by the
OSCAR: No Macaulay Culkin didn’t lose his money, it was his virginity to Michael Jackson
MARIGOLD: We’ll come back to that in a sec, yeah didn’t Screech have to go on Celebrity Fit Club
ANIS: See that pisses me off that title, they aren’t celebrities
ANA: You don’t think Screech is a celebrity?
ANIS: They aren’t fit
PARDEEP: Definitely not
MATT: No way
ANIS: And it’s not a club
ISIS AND DELICIA: True
MATT: Well did he win on Fat Club?
LOIC: You can’t ‘win’ on Fat Club
MATT: What’s the point of watching a reality TV show if there’s no winner
DAVID: TV companies love Reality TV because they don’t have to hire writers
MARIGOLD: Fat Club was interesting because people get all stroppy
ANIS: Like when Rik Waller was on it
MATT: What happened then?
SHAFA: He got thrown off
SHAFA: Because he was too fat
RAMSEY: Whoa he was too fat to be on Fit Club?
PARDEEP: That’s a diss
OSCAR: No he was evicted because of his attitude
MATT: The hat he chewed? What a fat bastard, he ate someone’s hat? Was it at some horserace and Carmen Miranda happened to stop by?
OSCAR: No, ‘attitude’
MATT: Oh ‘attitude’, man alive, that would have been excessive
MARIGOLD: I remember when Rik Waller was on it
LAUREN: Who was so fat?
ANIS: Your face
DAVID: yeah you don’t win on that show I think
MATT: Poor Screech, man
ANA: Child stars always get messed up
RAMSEY: True – Macaulay Culkin
ANIS: Corey Feldman
DAVID: Gary Coleman
SHAFA: Michael Jackson
BLAKE: Emma Watson
KHUS: It’s interesting, the surnames all end in ‘n’
MARIGOLD: Charlotte Church
MATT: I wouldn’t say she’s messed up
SHAFA: Yeah she is
MATT: Well if she’s messed up, Ben Savage is
MATT: Come on, Ben Savage!
ANIS: Who the fuck’s that?
MATT: Fred Savage’s brother
SHAFA: Oh like we all know who he is
MATT: Come on! David, you must know who he is
DAVID: The name rings a bell
LAUREN SHOUTS BACK A MUFFLED ‘WHAT’
MATT: Come here!
LAUREN COMES UP THE STAIRS
MATT: They don’t know who Ben Savage is
LAUREN: You don’t know who Ben Savage is?
MARIGOLD: Never heard of him
LAUREN: He plays Corey in Boy Meets World
PARDEEP: That show hasn’t been on for time
OSCAR: What’s Boy Meets World?
LAUREN: You’ve never heard of Boy Meets World? It was on the Disney Channel
OSCAR: We don’t have in
BLAKE: Yeah child actors really are screwed
ANIS: …by Michael Jackson
LAUREN: The keyholder?
ANA: What’s a keyholder?
DAVID: He meant the actor
ANA: The actor?
DAVID: Sorry, singer
LAUREN LOOKS AT ANA AND NOTICES ANA STARING AT DOREEN PLAYING WITH OSCAR’S HAIR
LAUREN: Are you still playing with his hair?
DOREEN: It’s lovely
MATT: Doreen’s gaaaaaaaay
BLAKE: It was you who did the graffiti, wasn’t it?
MATT: Hey where’s Youssfe?
LAUREN: Are you ever going to call him Ibrahim?
OSCAR: He’s been gone for a long time, I’ll go look for him
SHAFA: So back to the original point, that fat bitch downstairs is worse than Heather Mills?
IBRAHIM: Nothing’s worse than that fat bitch downstairs
MATT: Youssfe!! Where have you been?
IBRAHIM: No where
PARDEEP: Why is there blood on you?
IBRAHIM: What? Where?
PARDEEP: There, on your shoulder
ANA: Yeah, where’d that come from?
IBRAHIM: Don’t worry, it’s not mine
IBRAHIM LAUGHS. A FEW PEOPLE SMILE
IBRAHIM: No I got it earlier, I tripped in the stockroom, there was a bag of pins on the shelf where I fell back on them, innit.
LOIC: I hate that place.
RAMSEY: Yeah, that place has some danger areas, Ibrahim, watch yourself
LAUREN: How is not having Chloe here stopping you? Whyyy are we waaaaiting
ANIS: Cos I’m the real Shaaaaady
MATT HIGH FIVES ANIS.
DELICIA: Can we just lie, and say that we all did it. I wanna go home
PARDEEP: Haha, poor Oscar, he’s still looking for Ibrahim.
IBRAHIM: He’s going to be looking for a while.
ANIS: That’s what Lauren and I said about Matt going on the pull – back of the net!
MATT THROWS HIS LUNCHBOX AT ANIS
ANIS: Watch it! Right I’m calling my mum…on the store phone, cause this is chappin’ bruuuuv
MATT: Tell her to wear the red lace for when I meet her tonight.
PARDEEP AND LAUREN: Ooooo
ANIS THROWS LUNCHBOX AT MATT. MATT LAUGHS.
RAMSEY: Maybe they got kidnapped
MATT: Maybe they’re shacking up together
DOREEN ANA AND LAUREN: That’s disgusting
ANIS IS NOT GETTING THROUGH WITH THE PHONE. HE REPEATEDLY PRESSES THE HANGUP BUTTON
ANIS: Hey the phone lines have been cut!
MATT: Are you sure you’re just not remembering how to make outcoming calls
SHAFA: Outcoming’s not even a word.
MATT: It is in Anis’ diary – in your face, Anis!
RAMSEY: Ha! He said Anis was gay.
ANIS: Guys!!...The phones are dead.
BLAKE: Use your mobile, then, Cheapskate
ANIS PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
ANIS: There’s no signal, either
LAUREN: (pulling out phone) What??
EVERYBODY CHECKS THEIR PHONE.
IBRAHIM: What the f…
THERES A MASSIVE BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM. IT’S
EVERYBODY STANDS UP.
DOREEN: What the hell’s going on? Where’s Oscar?
ANA: Is Oscar ok?
MATT: That obviously wasn’t Oscar screaming
ANIS: You never know.
MATT(BRISTOLIAN): High five!
BLAKE: Look, that was
EVERYBODY LEAVES THEIR SPOTS IN FRONT OF THE STAIRS.
SCENE 2 INT THIS STORE’S KID’S SECTION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. EVERYBODY RUNS OVER TO
YOU GUESSED IT,
MARIGOLD: Oh my God…
ANIS: No way…
DELICIA: What the hell…
RAMSEY: How the hell…
MATT: Who the hell…
BLAKE: WHEN the hell…
OSCAR: What the hell…
DOREEN: You’re back?
OSCAR: She’s dead? Someone cover her up
ANIS: Someone should do something about Shafa
IBRAHIM: How the hell did she manage to die in the store?
BLAKE: She didn’t die…
IBRAHIM: Of course she did
OSCAR: No, she’s dead
DAVID: He means she didn’t just die
ANA: Of course she did, she’s dead
DAVID: No, you can’t just die…
MATT: I know what David means, she didn’t just die
DOREEN: OF COURSE she just died
MATT: Shut up for a second, I’m trying to sound cool! She didn’t die…
LAUREN: …She was murdered
MATT: Thanks a lot, JACK
MARIGOLD: Er, why is no one calling the police
IBRAHIM: Go call them then
ANIS: No signal remember?
LAUREN: Well now we can leave, right? And get signal
OSCAR: Karen locked the door
BLAKE: Who wants to get the keys off her body?
DAVID: Umm you can’t ‘disturb the crime scene’ or anything
LAUREN: Well we have to call the police, are you sure the lines are down?
ANIS: Trust me
LAUREN TRIES TO DIAL
LAUREN: Someone murdered her, I don’t trust anybody
MATT: Except for me, right, I was up there the whole time
LAUREN PUTS THE PHONE DOWN
MATT: Shut your fucking mouth,
DAVID AND DELICIA: Whoa
MATT: Are you telling me you just ‘found’ her just now
BLAKE: Leave it out, Matt, don’t have a go
MATT: I’ll have a go at anyone who calls me a murderer
OSCAR: Guys we should calm down
LOIC: Someone just died!
ANA: Can someone just get her keys so we can all get out of here
RAMSEY: Like Loic says, she JUST died, bullets don’t just go into someone’s face
DAVID: Guys we need her keys
NO ONE MOVES
OSCAR: I’ll do it
OSCAR GOES OVER TO THE BODY AND TURNS IT ROUND AND POSITIONS THE BODY LEANING OVER
OSCAR: There’s a lot of blood
MATT: Wow, look how hairy her shoulders are
RAMSEY: Shut up, Matt
DELICIA: I’m gonna be sick
BLAKE: I don’t blame you, seriously, man
OSCAR: Guys, there’s no keys
ANIS: You’re joking
OSCAR: I swear
ANA: You mean were trapped here
SHABANA: Why doesn’t someone break the glass
OSCAR: No, we can’t break the glass
LAUREN: Why not
OSCAR: It’s reinforced
MATT: Well what about emergency exits, fire exits, the back door?
OSCAR: All shut overnight
DOREEN: Well, can’t you unseal them?
OSCAR (POINTING TO BODY): She shut it
ANIS: What a stupid bitch
MATT: For fucks sake
MARIGOLD: You’re saying there’s no way out?
ANIS: Shut the fuck up
DELICIA: Could everybody just stop being rude
IBRAHIM: What the fuck’s your problem, bitch
SHABANA: Why the hell do you always have to be a bastard, Ibrahim
MATT: And that’s your friend saying that
IBRAHIM: You killed her, none of you twats are my friends
RAMSEY: Don’t be such a prick
IBRAHIM: Fuck off, Ramsey
IBRAHIM: Stay out of this, metro
KHUS: Everybody just shut the fuck up.
THEY STARE AT KHUS GOBSMACKED
KHUS: You all seem to be forgetting where you are and who you are. You are employees. You have no power to dictate what goes on with this woman’s body, and we are not able to get out until tomorrow morning. The time is ten minutes to tomorrow and time for everybody to wise up. This is not the time for arguments, name calling or egotism. A woman just died. A much maligned woman, yes, but that was the person you all chose to work for. No one was forcing you to stay and follow this woman’s orders and yet someone, one of us, decided it was acceptable to take a human life than accept a punishment. I WILL find out who murdered her…and there WILL be consequences. One of you killed her. One of you is going to prison in the morning. Until then, we’re going to shut up. We’re going to stay calm. We’re going to stay together. We’re going to find out who did this. Blake, (BLAKE FLINCHES AS HE IS CALLED) get some grey fleece hoodies and prop up Shafa’s head…I’m going to carry her to the bench in the staff room. Hands up who knows the code to the staff room door?
KHUS: Everyone here is a suspect, but you four are more suspect than the others. I’m going to change the code, no one is going to access the body unless I say so. You four will go upstairs to be questioned. The rest of you, stay waiting outside this door. No one even think of going in there.
KHUS PICKS SHAFA UP. IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH STRENGTH, DON’T WORRY.
IBRAHIM: Hey! Hey wait, why are you suddenly in charge?
KHUS: There is no manager, and Oscar is a highly likely suspect in this case, you can’t trust him, and I’ve been here the longest. You are a dot to me. After 8 years of working here, you can have the respect and authority to ask me what gives me the right to be ‘in charge’.
EVERYONE IS SILENT. KHUS AND BLAKE WALK OFF. EVERYONE IS STUNNED. LAUREN, ANIS, OSCAR AND
MATT: You guys realise this?
PARDEEP: It could be Oscar,
MARIGOLD: It could be Anis
IBRAHIM: It could be Lauren or Isis
MATT: It could even be any one of us. Even YOU…
STARES INTO CAMERA
CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL THAT HE IS STARING AT SHABANA
SHABANA: Well, I don’t know, innit
DAVID: Guys, let’s shut the door
DELICIA: I know, there’s so much blood.
PARDEEP: Yeah, I know, we don’t want…
ANA: We don’t want any blood on the shop floor
HEY THAT’S THE NAME OF THE STORY. WHO KILLED THE MANAGER? WHO IN THIS STORE IS CAPABLE OF SUCH A HEINOUS CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY, KILLING THEIR BOSS, IMAGINE…WELL YOU DON’T HAVE TO, REALLY, I’VE WRITTEN, LIKE, A WHOLE SCRIPT FOR PEOPLE TO LOSE THEMSELVES IN…FIND OUT NEXT WEEK IN PART TWO OF ‘BLOOD ON THE SHOP FLOOR’